Last day of 2020

 Evening

Last night it took a while once again to get to sleep, think I was up til midnight. It's just tummy ache and trying to get to sleep with stomach ache. I even dreamed of having stomach ache and woke up with it as well :/ I was up at 7:20am for Ozwald of course. 

He was playing outside til midday despite the fact that it was minus degrees outside. The ground was solid but didnt stop him from eating frozen plants. He just didnt stop!

I felt quite crap this morning if I am honest. just drained of life. so after breakfast I went back to bed. Got up and went for a shower to freshen up and try and start the day, it was only 10am at this point anyway. Me and Jack sat and chose what we would like for the bathroom and then emailed the designer. Then we started making a vegetable soup. Whilst it was cooking I dusted a few rooms and Jack hoovered up everywhere so it was good to get that done. Then we sat down to have soup which was good and didnt give me crippling stomach ache. 

We went for a walk but it was very cold. We just went around here and i was struggling, i think just because it was so damn cold! I told jack that I was tired and he suggested I go to bed again when I get in as i will probably be up til midnight anyway. So thats what I did, I returned to my bed! I woke up at 4:15pm, Jack had been gaming whilst I had been asleep and remained gaming. I got Oz in for a fuss but he was just feral like he had been all day! cute tho X3 I told Jack we were setting off to mum's around 5:30pm my god I dont think he finished gaming until the moment I came to him and said "I am starting my car up!" good grief like he doesnt get any time to game! addicted 

we went to mum and dad's and i helped mum make the pizza french sticks and I told her I can eat it I just cant eat a big piece of it, felt like I ate a childs size portion in the end. We sat and watched "big fat quiz of the year" with them and I spent some time with my brother who clearly misses me ^^

I packed up the remainder of my clothes as I now have the wardrobe to put them in! the weird thing is when i got back to the house to unpack, I only seem to have 2 of my work tops :/ where are the other two? they must still be back in my old wardrobe but I dont know why I couldnt see them. I still need to bring over my pyjamas and my tights.

we got back at 9pm and I had Oz out who was full of energy for whatever reason. Just full of beans today! Which is lovely, I just cant keep up with him!  Jack had a video call with his friends from school and Oz featured in the video call X3 I took him home in the end tho. Jack is still talking to his friends, I have spent time with them talking but i have my diary to do and theres only 45mins left of this year!

This time last year we were walking as a group to the city centre to watch the fire work display from the council house of Nottingham, something I had never done but not fussed about doing again. So cramped together which this year would never happen! Its sad that no one has been able to have a new years party. I feel like there are gonna be so many parties to make up for how crap this year has been.

So what have I achieved during 2020?

I had wanted to maybe go travelling before I had settled down with a house, to keep working full time, to still be with Jack, to keep with my art and Japanese, to have better health and to have my family and pets.

Well at the start of 2020 me and jack started planning out our journey to japan. We wrote a lot out and I did a lot of research. Corona virus had started to say hello, and when we came to booking our holiday Jack had a complete melt down and was worried sick about the virus and going away. We were originally gonna go away during april. I said that if he wasnt happy about it, we would go. simple. Good job we didnt book anything as the world went into lock down and we wouldnt have been able to go anywhere! With so much free time off work, we decided to look at houses cus why not. Jack's rent ended in april and he could only get another 6 months cheaply before his awful landlord wanted more money for that dump so we thought "lets move!" and we looked for houses and found this unloved bungalow. Moving out has only really happened to me in the last 2 weeks is it? so I havent actually moved out for very long at all, I havent even moved out and been at work yet! I am handling things ok at the moment but when i return to work I suppose we will have to see how I cope.

I wasnt ready or prepared to move out to be honest. I did have it in my mind that jack would sign on for another year worth of rent not 6 months. So it has been a lot to do and take in. But its starting to feel more right and like home now anyway. I am very pleased we have moved out and that we managed to get onto the property ladder whilst the market had taken a bit of a plunge cus of the virus. The market went stale and housing lost its value. Literally a month after our offer had been accepted the market went mad and housing prices rose. Not only had we managed to get in during a good period for us we also got £20,000 less on the asking price. And its a bungalow so we can be here forever! its so quiet and flat and I am starting to feel like this is my home, and making it my home more and more.

I know I could never be trusted to live by myself which is why i have the amazing Jack by my side and we still make such a good team ^^ we havent had any falling outs or arguements, we've cried together a few times through venting but thats been it. I feel we always come up stronger and I cant imagine life without my nerd. Still wonder how we get on so well at times but yeah hes here for life ^^

as for art and japanese, I have been doing duolingo all year still so I have made effort with that. and its probably the only japanese i have been doing. Art, I have gone through fits and stages of my digital art but i feel i have done a lot crafts and traditional art this year, simply for the house. so thats been nice. And I hope to continue.

Working, I have had more time off than anyone else in the science department I feel. But I was assessed at work and its on file that I need regular breaks otherwise I push myself to fainting point, so I am allowed regular breaks, to stretch and to not work alone. I was gutted that at the end of this term I ended up being signed off work but i think that only happened cus i was moving out and it was too much, i hope it doesnt come to that again.

my family and pets are all doing well ^^

But what do I want of 2021? Now that its here I am unsure what I actually want? in a way I cant believe the year is over. I feel we didnt get to experience 2020 fully. Its gone stupidly quick cus we've spent it wrapped up in our bubbles.

its hard to say what i want in 2021 seeing I am unsure what state the world will be in :/ 

well I know a few things;

to keep working full time

to be able to look after myself in my home and working life

to get my craft room up and running and to do all my craft work from my own home

to keep up with my art and crafts and japanese - its important to find time for myself

to not get snowed under with life and put too much on myself

to put myself first, ask for help, not be hard on myself, and bloody look after myself more

I think these are all things that given what ever state the world is in - I can still attempt!

I dont want to put too much on myself given this will be my first full year of living away from my family home and standing on my own too feet. Well of course I have Jack by my side and hopefully Oz with me the whole year :D

I do want to take more time for myself and take better care of myself too. Not sure how I will do this yet but it is something I have the whole year to do.

Tomorrow

we have no plans really, maybe seeing my family for the sponge and custard we still havent had. I would love to dance if i have the energy to do so! and do some drawing as I didnt do any today sadly. Just too tired and did other things. theres only 30mins of 2020 left. Happy new year nya~

No kitchen yet but new tv cabinet

 Evening

So last night I ended up watching Angerme Live 2017 dvd with Oz, after I put him to bed and did my diary and stuff I decided to wait up for Jack cus yeah I wasnt really that tired. so he finished gaming at 10:15pm he was surprised to see me still awake and functioning. We sat and watched two episodes of Inuyasha then went to bed but I still took a while to get to sleep. Woke up in the night cus I was like "what the hell is that noise?" Jack was on his back snoring but its not even like proper snoring its just heavy breathing but weird. Jack is weird XD

I woke up at 7:15am and of course got up cus I was crippled and my Oz wants to play

I sat in the living room whilst he played outside, keeping an eye on him. I looked up and he was sat on the wall, laying flat down, ears flat down. I thought 'quite an odd position for him to be in' so I went out to him and he didnt move or acknowledge me in the slightest I stared at him suddenly thinking 'oh my god has he died!? had he had a heart attack!?' I didnt want to touch him if he was dead - not a memory i could live with. but I looked at his side and noticed he was in fact breathing. So I picked him up and he immediately tried to get off me - not Oz behaviour. So I worked out what had happened. Something had clearly spooked him. The only thing I can think of is that a cat must have walked on the fence where I couldnt see or even a dog walker on the path along the side of the house but I am going for the cat option as cats freak Oz out. I brought him inside, talking to him as believe it or not my voice sooths Oz XD Jack woke up to me talking to Oz at 8:45am and I told him what had happened. Oz had breakfast with us but was still very much on guard. I took him home with carrot to chill out

I got ready to face the day, me and Jack just popped to 3 shops for a few bits nothing much, nothing even needed but kinda something to do. Everywhere was dead it was a bit strange as I thought people would be hitting the sales but I guess it was only 10am. After that we went for a walk along the river and the ground was solid it was sooo frozen there was a puddle that was probably 100m long and 10m wide.....i went running up to it like a child. I knew it obviously wasnt frozen solid enough to support my weight but I applied pressure to the perimeter simply to make and hear the cracks it was really satisfying to say the least Jack said "come on before you get muddy" i said "fine last one then" sticking my tongue out. well that served me as the last time i applied pressure with my foot it went through the ice!!! My foot went straight through to the muddle freezing puddle under the ice I dont know how i didnt get a wet foot, i must have been very very fast pulling away, it did make me yelp out - it made me jump damn it =>.<= Jack laughed >.> 

I was really quite numb after that rather bracing walk. Jack drove back :)

we had a cup of tea and lunch I had fruit loaf and he had pot noodle -___- bloody stunk 

I rested on my bed for a bit but knew I couldnt go to sleep as the bathroom guy - richard - was coming at 2:30pm. My mum rang me an hour before he came over to tell me not to be pushed into anything I dont want to be pushed into.

The guy came over - into our house - without a mask. And it should be seen as 'normal' but in this day and climate it feels quite weird. sad really. he talked to us about what could be done and how the procedure to getting a new bathroom happens. He was here almost 90mins and said "you have an appointment in store on saturday, i will have it designed by then i shall just go measure up" we sat in the living room but heard richard's phone go off. He came in and said "Nottingham is in Tier 4 now, so that means our in store meetings are off. I will have to do it all online with you" which is fine and saves me a journey!  it means we cant physically see the toilet and taps etc we would like but he said once the store opens up we can come view and even change our order. It sounded all ok. But he said that I need to pay part of the deposit on saturday despite the work not being able to be started til march/april time. I felt this was a bit pushy. I would have 3 days to part with up to maybe £6000 and i would see the design for the first time on saturday and be expected to make a decision there and then whether or not to go ahead with it. So he can sod that. I need to come away and think. 

He left and I text my mum to say the guy had gone, she was on a walk in the neighbourhood with dad and said she would pop in so they did for a good hour and we talked bathrooms. cant say I feel any better about any of it to be honest! but jack told me not to worry about any of it and to just see what price they even quote us for first.

We made dinner a bit earlier as I hungry, we made sweet potato wedges and chicken and had cobs. so wholesome dinner cooked from scratch. I did eat mine quickly but it was cus i was so hungry. But I didnt have tummy ache even tho food had poisoned me all day i seem to have escaped with dinner. Jack went for a shower and i went upstairs to go start drawing. Then my mouth pooled with saliva and thought "am I gonna be sick?" so i ran to the bathroom - where jack was showering - i shouted "sorry jack!!" and was just spitting into the toilet. Luckily wasnt sick. havent been sick since i was 16 and i am still up holding that record. Jack was like "you ok!?" i said "yeah just not sure if i am gonna be sick or not i am so sorry" he was fine and continued showering, I never looked at him once. which he found weird he was like "all we've done, been through, seen each other naked and you cant look at me in the shower!? we've even bathed together Jo" I thought 'all valid points but it felt like i should give him some privacy some how' I laid on the sofa in a ball when I was sure i was keeping my guts in. Jack brought Oz in for a hop round but he didnt do much think he was tired bunny.

Took Oz home and then went upstairs to look at book cases for the spare room but ended up finding a tv cabinet locally, so I have emailed them to see if i can have it and go pick it up sometime :)

It is dark wood like the rest of our furniture in the living room but has the added bonus of keeping the cables locked away. Oz seems to have taken a liking sitting in front of the tv which nice but sometimes he goes behind the tv where the cables are and it frightens me to death so if I can hide the cables from him that would be amazing for all involved! the guy selling this cabinet also has this really odd looking piece of furniture that I think is traditionally put inside kitchens but I am wondering if I can make use of it in my craft room. So I might have a look at it when I pick my cabinet up. If I wanted it I would need to come back with dad's van as no way would it fit in my car.

So might be picking up a 'new' tv cabinet, ours came with the house and is just black glass. 

not sure what else we are doing tomorrow really apart from going over to mum's for food in the evening. 

honestly its 9pm and I still havent done any drawing!

it snowed and 3rd night in a row i go to bed alone

 Konbanwa~~~

I once again went to bed by myself. Jack did watch a couple of episodes of Inuyasha with me then I went to bed. It took a while to get to sleep as my mind was quite busy with one thing and another

This morning I woke up at 6am and needed to get up, for a wee and a stretch and once I was up I was  kinda awake, so I walked through to the kitchen and I noticed in the light of the street lamp that it was snowing....0.0 actual snow

I sat around for a bit then went to Oz at 7am I think I woke him up tho as he was very startled when i went to him! I let him out but it was a bit sleety at this point but Oz still went out for a bit. I did 35mins of yoga cus my god I was stiff and I havent done any yoga for several days now >< 

by the point of me finishing my routine Jack got up, simply cus he woke up and decided to come and see where I was. He said he had come to bed at 12:30pm

I said to him "I know its too dark to see but it is actually snowing!"

I got ready to go to the shops, I decided to drive as I wasnt sure what the roads were like and didnt want to give jack that stress. 

We got there fine tho and the shop was really dead. We were back home for 10am

I told mum we were home so she could come over and paint the hutch whenever. That we werent seeing Harvey and theo for a walk as its too cold and wet. she said she would come after lunch

we put the shopping away and the bathroom designer rang us up despite being told we were gonna be rung up at 7:30pm so i wasnt expecting it! I spoke to the guy -- richard -- on the phone whilst jack did whatever. he just introduced himself and told me that its a 12 week waiting list to have a bathroom fitted, that it could cost between £5000 - £7000. He asked me if i wanted to proceed and I said that I did. He then said he was coming over at 2:30pm tomorrow. I was originally told I would have to go to the store but apparently not, he's coming here! So yeah

I told jack and he was like "how can he guess the price given that he has no idea what size our bathroom is and what spec of bathroom we even want. I cant see it costing THAT much"

very valid point. I have no idea why he was able to quote us that. Cus that is a bit steep if I am honest but we shall see. We even went with Wickes cus of their offers on and that its not like high end stuff its kinda just normal average family home value. Hate to see how much bespoke high end stuff is

I went to bed as I had had enough of being in pain with my stomach. I brought some yogurt bacteria drink things to give a go. So I had one when I came in.

When I woke up jack made me eat lunch >.> just simple fruit loaf gave me stomach pains T^T

so I was once again back on the bed with heat packs on my stomach. I rang mum to see when she was coming over. and she said just 10mins

so when she came over we went into the garage where Oz was in his hutch. Mum had brought wood paint so she could paint the 'new' hutch which was at the other end of the garage. I lifted the roof/lid of the hutch and my god there must have been 100 rabbit poos in it....OZWALD!!! I said "you dirty beast! right shown me up in front of mum" so I was there sweeping out all these poos so mum could paint it. I kept her company whilst she did as I was cleaning out Oz's hutch. hardly any poos in there - i wonder why >.> the git

mum stayed for a cup of tea with Jack and Oz and me but I wasnt having a tea as I had stomach ache and didnt want to have anything. She left and me and Jack went for a little walk

since then we looked at bathrooms and I wrote down what specifications we have and any questions we can put to this richard. Then we went and made dinner we had noodles I enjoyed it but my stomach of course hated me for it. Now I am just doing my diary whilst Jack games with dungeon and dragon nerds. Its usually on a thursday night but this thursday is new years eve so they moved it

i said "another night I go to bed by myself then" he did feel guilt but I am not overly bothered. its not like its every night. just 3rd night in a row!

so its now 7:10pm and I am wondering what to do with my time, I might go and dance in the living room I would like to do some dance practice cus I have bits to learn or re-learn. I have the living room to myself and the stupid chandelier has gone too! I might do that, see Oz and then do some drawing then go bed.

Tomorrow 

apart from this richard guy coming over at 2:30pm we dont actually have any plans! so i might have a bit of an easier day tomorrow! 

New bathroom on the horizon!

 Evening

I went to bed by myself last night after Jack had watched 1 episode of Inuyasha with me

I still enjoyed myself. But does feel a bit strange getting into bed without him.

I soon fell asleep tho as I was shattered. I woke up a bit when Jack came to bed but soon dropped off to sleep. I woke up at 7:45am and got up without jack as I knew he must have come to bed late. I let Oz out and had a cup of tea. I havent actually given him anymore dry food since hes been here! he just eats loads of weeds outside, so whilst I drank my tea in silence I watched him graze from the patio doors

I wanted to get on with my morning, I wanted to dance and I knew my parents were coming over so I woke Jack up at 9:15am as that meant I had given him an extra 90mins in bed - I felt this was fair

He was reluctant to get up >.> turns out he went to bed at 1am -_____- 

this morning I danced for 15mins which isnt the usual amount I liked but I need to build myself up again and no do myself in. Also I struggle on that carpet its a lot less grippy than the one at mums and also that stupid chandelier I am also frightened of hitting. I went for a shower and Jack hoovered, he finished just as my parents arrived.

My dad was so good,  he spent like almost 3 hours with Jack putting up the wardrobes. He also took down that stupid chandelier ^^ the wardrobes look good, that room looks so different now it is unreal. We have storage space now so I can bring my clothes over! Mum and dad left and me and Jack had a late lunch cus it just took longer than anyone thought to put that wardrobe up. Dad was determined to get the job done today. Whilst he worked me and mum had gone for a cold walk in 1c coldness, then warmed up with Oz with a brew. She enjoyed seeing him ^^

she has invited me and Jack over for pizza and a buffet on news years eve :)

Me and Jack cleaned the patio doors as they were so grimy and dull and black in places so now they look almost new! they have come up amazingly. We sat and did our meal plan and shopping list. Then I talked to him about getting our bathroom re-done. We both knew that a company called Wickes is having a bathroom sale on til i think 11th January. I said to him "is it ok for me to ring for an appointment?" he said "yeah thats fine" so I did. just got up the courage and rang up right away!

and we have 3 appointments with them this week! good job we're doing this during our time off! 

so tomorrow our designer is ringing me to introduce himself and to tell us what we need for our second appointment and just to see what kinda thing we are after. Thats at 7:30pm

then we have another appointment the next day which is face to face i believe at the store thats at 2:30pm and this designer will show us what we can have for our bathroom and basically get an idea of what he needs to do for us. I think theres the possibility of of a 3D image of our bathroom. This meeting can take up to 90mins i was told

then on the saturday at 10:30am we meet with the designer in store again and we see our bathroom designed on a screen! I was told that even when we get this far we dont have to go with them we can turn this down. But I think they can do literally all of it so that would be fantastic as I need as little stress as possible. 

I felt so proud of myself for sorting all this out ^^ So Jo will now spend this week looking at bathrooms @.@ I asked jack how much of an input he wants. we came to the agreement that he will check my ideas and see if he likes them. designing and planning is not something he is good at XD

I then had awful stomach pains and had to spend some time on the toilet --____--

I fell asleep for a little while as I felt so cruddy

we had dinner when I woke up and now I am just finishing my diary so I can sit with Oz, put him home and watch some Inuyasha with Jack then I will go bed and he will game once again with Harvey and Theo.

Tomorrow we are going shopping early in the morning, sorting out the wardrobes in the spare room, like jack's clothes as mine arent here yet. and hopefully I might be able to do some drawing tomorrow as I havent found any time for myself lately but I have been achieving other things

not happy about how bad my stomach is tho

Hopefully we will get a new bathroom soon tho :D

Look how much you get done when you're high

 Konbanwa~ Otsukararesama deshita

So last night I was restless to be honest, Jack tried to calm me by watching Inuyasha with me and having hot chocolate which once again I couldnt finish so he had to finish for me ><

We went to bed and I just couldnt settle. The wind was in full force and splatting rain against our bedroom window CONSTANTLY it was getting on my nerves. Jack had fallen asleep and was heavily breathing, basically I found it all too noisy to sleep with and cus I had laid there til midnight I started aching.

I got up and took some more pain killers :/ and stayed up on my phone and then on my kindle. I thought I had settled enough and decided to try and go to bed. I stayed there til 1:30am but Jack was having some sort of dream that involved a lot of movement of his body so he kept moving, and robbing me of the covers it was doing my head in! So by 2am I was up and I thought "sod this" I ALMOST decided to go paint the spare room but thought that would be stupid so I didn't. I did decided I would go on my laptop to maybe draw. Didnt draw but instead found new music to listen to :3 So glad Yurina Hirate is back *0* At 4am I had yet more pain killers so this is twice over dosing now. But I just couldnt settle, I felt ready to start my day so I made myself a cup of tea and sat drinking it with some biscuits. at 4:45am Jack woke up for the toilet but discovered I was up. So he cuddled me and I said that now he was here I would try come to bed. I did managed to sleep but woke up at 5:45am so I had hardly been asleep but what woke me was Jack's breathing...it was ether dry or wheezing. I worried. I have never had to deal with asthma. So I watched him sleep, not wanting to wake him as he had a driving lesson for 2 hours at 8am. But I worried too much as he was still breathing like that so I woke him. He was like "everything ok?" I said "actually I was worried you werent breathing right, are you ok?" he got up and had a drink and said he just had a really dry throat. Better to be safe than sorry. Id hate for him to wake to an asthma attack. I dropped off to sleep to be woken at 7am by my alarm. So I had probably had 2 hours sleep. Jack got up and originally I was gonna get up with him but screw that I fell back to sleep instantly but got up to Jack at 7:50am as he was like "making you a brew Jo" nice of him but I also would have liked to sleep T^T but its because Oz was out playing and obviously he needs to be safe :)

I drank my tea and felt like death cus I had been popping pills throughout the night

i couldnt face breakfast so didnt bother really

I grabbed a toothbrush and began to scrub the window frames in the study and spare room as they literally had moss growing out of them. The sun was up the whole time and it was cloudless and it was nice to have such great lighting. I moved on from that and started painting the walls in the spare room.

Jack came back and saw me painting, i felt fine doing it but I was on my 3rd set off pain killers by 10am. He offered to help me but I told him it was up to him as he had just been driving for 2 hours. But he did come and paint the room with me and we got it done!

we had some lunch then went for a good walk and called in a local shop for a few bits to make soup with and came home. I let Oz out to play hes happy boy ^^ I told Jack I was gonna do the white work in the spare room which was the final thing to do. So he went to go game whilst I blasted my music out X3 So I painted the wood work, the door, the radiator, I painted a frame in the hall, the front door frame and the porch ceiling and the porch door. God I got loads done and didnt even feel tired or in pain but I was on so much pain relief. 

I shouted Jack that I had finished and he helped me clear up my mess. Then we had a brew and I scooped Oz in from outside and video called mum so she could see Oz. I told her I hadnt seen her today as the light was so brilliant and long lasting that it was perfect painting conditions. She understood. I told her how much I had done today and that I felt good. My brother came to the camera on mum's phone and said "god Jo how dilated are your pupils!?" i looked and yeah they were BIG! I looked high and I think I was. I would have kept going in fact I wanted to dance but jack was like "i think you should sit, rest. you might hit a wall" so I did take it a bit easier.

Helped with making the cheshire cheese soup which we ate in front of shakugan no shana as we have been eating in front of that. We cleared up and I decided what to do on my nails tonight, simple spots I think. Might try do some drawing tonight but not sure really. I am gonna go get Oz in for a hop round and put him to bed. Jack is gaming tonight so I am alone tonight. No Inuyasha for me

tomorrow

as I didnt see my family today and its bank holiday today they said on the phone today that they would see me tomorrow and give jack a hand with the wardrobe in the spare room. not sure what else we are doing tomorrow really. As we were suppose to be on woodwork tomorrow then wardrobe on tuesday but I just got on with it. Feel I can do more when I am off my face XD Probably best I do not take this as a life style choice as I will destroy my organs. But it got me through an otherwise long and painful day.

 Konbanwa~~

I went to bed after watching Inuyasha with Jack and I still had tummy ache

when I woke up at 3am for a wee I still had tummy ache but managed to get off to sleep

dreamed about dancing in front of an audience ^^;

I woke up at 8:30am - with stomach pains, HOW!?

My god who has stomach pains for that long 0.0

I went straight to Ozwald and let him out for a play which he enjoyed

we think he ate his weight in weeds today XD so much dead stuff in our garden right now so he loves it, he just likes rummaging around.

Today is Mia's 29th Birthday so I got some jobs done round the house in the morning then she came over with Rob, walter and winnie for a walk

I had laid out the 2 cushions i had made for her based on her dogs, on our outdoor seats. So when she arrived I told her to come round the back of the house (so then she wouldn't have to come inside) and that her presents were in our garden, she saw them and she was so surprised and really happy the gifts. 

She couldnt believe I had done them, she was like "they look just like them, did you draw round photographs!?" I said "no I looked on line at whippets and drew them" ^^; I told I her I kinda did them with her caravan in mind, hence the red backing on the cushions as I know she said she had red carpet in the caravan. she said "i had brought rubbish cushions for the caravan and regretting buying them, these are amazing as will go so well" she was dead happy with them and it makes them worth the effort. She said "just when did you have time to do these!?" cus Jo plans ahead so no one misses out, I did them in November before I had the house and had FREE TIME.

I also gave her, her birthday card which I based on the design she was selling, she loved it

we the 6 of us set off for a walk and it was nice, I think we were gone for 90 min just around the area and talked about various things, mia was happy, smiling, laughing so i think she enjoyed herself. Hard having a birthday on boxing day never mind during covid times.

we came home and said bye to mia and rob. Feels wrong not being able to invite them in for a cup of tea but hey it was still good to see them :)

I had stomach ache all the way round the walk but was determined to act totally normal so not to worry anyone. When I got in tho I had a cup of tea and put hot bags on my stomach. I had a few little chocolates and 2 biscuits with my tea and that was tipping point for my stomach. So I said to jack no lunch for me as I cant face crippling pain. So he had a pop noodle by himself.

I went to bed cus I was worn out and I needed a break from stomach pains as I had almost had them for 24 hours which is just beyond abnormal. what the hell was my stomach doing!?

Jack after spending the morning with me and mia was kinda hoping id go to sleep so he got a break XD and he went to game whilst I slept but he kept checking on Oz outside.

I woke up and went to see where my lad was and he was in a ball next to the house so I scooped him up and brought him in for a fuss. Jack noticed and spent time with us. He is really enjoying having Oz with us and says how lovely he and loves him its great ^^ Oz is just so loveable tho, even if half time he just wants a treat out of you.

we had a cup of tea when we put Oz home, I told mum I wasnt coming over for sponge and custard as my stomach was just starting to feel better after 24 hours of pain. I didnt want to push my luck. She was fine with it and says she will try see me tomorrow...think she misses me ^^;

I said to jack I was going to go paint the spare room ceiling, and that he didnt need to help me as I know he didnt want to do it really. So I started to get ready to paint and he came and gave me a hand! I was surprised as I didnt think he would. We soon discovered tho that we had run out of the white paint for the ceiling :/ but i didnt know when we go and brave the shops, as everywhere will be busy with sales. So we had a look what was left and discovered we had some of the very light grey from our hall and kitchen and I said "wanna do it in this? im fine with it, its spare room no one is bothered and its very light grey" Jack thought about it and said "yeah lets just do it" and to be honest it actually looks alright so I am glad we just went and got on with it. So we got it done quickly actually.

we warmed up our left overs which in truth ended up being as much food as yesterday!! my god. It was very very good but once again just so much food. I was struggling massively to find room in me but didnt want to waste it as it would be the last time I eat christmas dinner til next year. So I forced it down me and ended up on the floor in pain for a while but at least it wasnt like yesterday...

I was able to sit in a seat and dry pots as Jack washed up

we had Oz in for a final hop round and fuss which he loved ^^

I put him home and just doing my diary then I will wait for Jack to finish gaming and watch Inuyasha with him :) and go bed

tomorrow

we're up earlier at jack has a driving lesson for 2 hours at 8am so I will be home alone for a bit

I think I will start painting the spare room the peach colour we are going for 

then when jack comes home he will have a brew and chill out, then we are walking to the local corner shop for just a few bits to tide us over til tuesday when we plan on doing a bigger shop from a supermarket. On the way back we pass mum's house so I have told her I might pop in then leave to go have some lunch. Then finish the spare room I guess

so yeah pretty easy day ahead

I have tummy ache I wish it would go away

from here it is plain food for Jo T^T

Christmas 2020 - first christmas in the bungalow

 Evening

So last night, me and Jack watched Inuyasha before bed. 

I managed to get off to sleep pretty quickly

woke up at 2am in pain but tried to get off to sleep and I managed it, but dreamed of being in pain. Being suspended in darkness with red chains moving like snakes wrapping round each limb, tightening then pulling. When they reached my neck I woke up. I woke up at 4:45am and I think I ended up waking Jack up with the way I woke up, he held me whilst I tried to sleep but I told him "i dreamed of pain its usually a sign i need to get up" so we got up, and I had pain killers. We sat drinking tea and I was waiting for my pain killers to kick and said "we could start the dinner you know" after jack had asked if there was anything I wanted to do. He said "we actually could" our choice was to put the slow cooker on for 4 hours on high or 8 hours on slow. Obviously it will taste better slowly cooked. So at 5am thats what we did!

with the lights on in the house we must have looked dead keen from the outside to start christmas XD

we didnt have too much to do, I was in charge of meat tho. .Jack doesnt like raw meat

After that I said "im off to bed wake me up at 8am for Oz"

Jack decided to go game, I woke up by myself at 7:25am having managed a quick hour. I went straight to Oz and he was all huddled in a ball so I fussed him and went outside with him!

He did not know what to do first! his first time in the garden of his new kingdom it was lovely to see. I mean I must have looked so stupid, watching a rabbit so happily like I has never seen a rabbit before! But it was great. I was stood with all my coat and layers on whilst he had this 15mins burst of energy round the garden. He wasnt frightened he literally couldnt explore it quick enough. He kept coming to see me - for reassurance i think - i followed him around and talked to him just for reassurance as well. Until he kept going on his back legs leaning up at me and holding on to my legs - its very cute - so I picked him up for a breather and cuddled him. I put him back down but he didnt move. I think it was Oz's way of saying "I am done" so I took him in for a warm. And jack was coming to wake me up, but I was like "weve already been out!" it was before 8am tho.

He went hopping round the house and cleaned his paws and had a treat to go home with. I left his cage door open just in case he fancied coming out himself.

I mean I didnt think he would as he would have to set foot in the garage, go along the path at the side of the house, leading to the garden and he had only seen the garden. I didnt think he would have to confidence to do the garage and path with out having his hand (paw) held. Me and jack sat down with a brew and jack pointed out the patio windows, he was there!! hopping around! the cocky rabbit! he had done everything himself! So I just kept checking on him throughout the day really as he was fine.

Me and jack opened his family tradition of stocking presents first which were really nice just little things really like lip salves and chocolates. Then we opened each others presents and he loved his from me ^^ considering I had made him a cushion with cats on book shelves printed on it we named it "the Queenie cushion" as homage to his kitty yesterday. He got me....Inuyasha final act on DVD!!!! my god! i was soooooo happy. I have all the episodes of Inuyasha on dvd all 167 of them, and loved it when I was like 14 years old but I never saw how it ended 15 years later with the final act. I wanted to watch it in dubbed, wanted the dvd, both of which i gave up looking for so i gave in. And cus we have been watching Inuyasha, it came up that I have never seen how it ends. So now, in several months when we're that far, I can see how it ends!! it aired in year 2000 can you believe that!? he got me something to hold my kindle and tablet up as I struggle holding them for long so that was thoughtful and he got me a Hokusai mug ^^

I went for a shower at this point after had done our spa treatments XD

then we got Oz in side with us to open the rest of the presents which were all so lovely I cant remember the last time I was so spoiled! each of his siblings and nan got me a present...

I got things like chocolate, a mirror, bath stuff, pyjamas, rabbit ornaments, candles. 

Tara got me face packs in tubs and then a cool tea set with tea to have a go with

and mia got me candles, thumper t-shirt and hot chocolate

I then went to bed, even tho it was lovely and sunny out and I was dying to go out for a walk in it, I was just too exhausted. So went to bed and when I got up we had the job of cooking our first christmas dinner which was a mammoth job but we were massively successful. No arguments or anything it was so calm but lasted over an hour XD we sat down in front of anime. Dinner was amazing. I actuallt cant believe we managed such an amazing dinner it was sooo good and the best gravy Ive ever had.

Jack enjoyed it. I sat on the sofa and my stomach start to gripe - to be expected

so I tried to get comfy on the sofa, no, tried to get comfy on the bed, no

I suddenly went hot and ran out side for air and calmed my breathing so i was panting cus of the pain. Then my mouth filled with saliva and i thought "oh my god im gonna be sick" i thought i had actually eaten too much and my body was trying to get rid of quickly. Jack came to see if i was alright and I literally pushed him out my way to get to the bathroom sink were i was just spitting endless saliva and i was sweating so i took my jumper off. I was on the bathroom floor sat in a ball in my joggers and bra after a lovely dinner, our first christmas dinner in the bungalow and once again my illness had ruined it. Jack tied my hair up as I thought i was gonna be sick, he got me water and comforted me. It was awful, I cant remember the last time my stomach hurt THAT much. It actually felt like i had eaten scalpel blades. Such pain is not normal.

So I told him im gonna sit on the toilet for a bit so he left me. But nothing happened

so I sat on the sofa for a bit and then ran to the toilet. I was in there some time....

I came out feeling like death

I sat on the sofa in a ball, my stomach feeling like it had been kicked. it was bruised almost

Jack's family then video called so i tried to look well but luckily the connection kept cutting out so i was spared

I picked up a bit and was able to sit up, walk 

so I scooped Oz up and me and Jack went to mum's

they were expecting us but not Oz so he got such a warm welcome XD

but my god the whole 90mins we were there he slept! he was shattered!!! very cute tho

we opened presents and talked then left

my brother got me outdoor shoes for the garden to get Oz with ^^ fur lined!, incense sticks and burners 

mum got me a new electric toothbrush, pyjamas, slippers, socks, shoulder pad heater thing, bunny charm for plant pot, 

We got back and I said I still wanted to do a christmas walk despite the cold and dark and cus of my tummy ache and jack's tight chest we did a small flat walk but enough now am doing my diary, theres still pans to wash but we've had enough. My stomach kills still. its unpleasant having bad stomach ache for 5 hours straight. it's 9:40pm and Im gonna watch Inuyasha with Jack now ^^

been a much better christmas than last year, its been good i have actually had a good day ^^ I feel loved and blessed with family, friends and the sheer amount of gifts!

tomorrow

seeing my best friend in the world - Mia for her 29th birthday!

we are going for a dog walk with her and rob and jack just round here really at 10:30am

not got anything else planned~

Oz is officially in the house!

 Evening

So last night we didnt get home til gone 9:30pm and I was shattered

I couldnt wind down ether so we ended up staying up til midnight and we watched an episode of inuyasha, I had stomach ache and just felt quite down and restless but somehow managed to sleep through. Think I was just shattered -____-

This morning my god the sun was actually shining, yesterday it hammered it down the entire day and it was windy too it was just awful. Jack asked me if I wanted to go for a walk before we did jobs so I said I would but mum txted me asking if i wanted to go for a walk. Ah I was torn. So I did both ^^;

I went for a very cold walk with Jack we underestimated the weather, it was sunny but like an artic wind making it 2c outside and we didnt wrap up warm for it....so we were very very cold.

we got home and had a cup of tea and then did some mould spraying, that stuff it horrid its like bleach is spray form so it gets in your lungs and stinks the room out. 

I left Jack to go for a walk with mum, but I wrapped up more for it this time. It was nice to see her

I got home shattered, Jack had been outside the entire time, without a coat on, making the gate secure for Oz. he was freezing. So I told him to get warm inside, then his phone goes. it's his mum.

They had just been to take Queenie the family cat to be put to sleep

I shed a few tears as she was lovely, Jack tried to keep it together but he was upset no matter how much he tried to hold it together. Then he said "i cant breathe" rushed for his inhaler and started using it. Always worries me as I have never had to deal with asthma and the prospect of not being able to breathe. It doesnt run in my family but it does in Jack's. I told him to sit

i did 2 hot bags for him, made him a hot chocolate with whisky in it, made him honey fruit loaf toast and got him so ibuprofen and made him sit. I think it was a combination of the cold air, the mould bleach spray, and being upset. He was on the brink of an asthma attack. I have never seen him have an attack and I think id freak if I saw him go through an attack.

He said he could breathe but had stabbing pains in his left lung. He wanted to do the house jobs but I told him to go on his PC and do admin work then go game - thinking it will take his mind off stuff and its a sitting down activity - i went and did the house stuff. I killed the remaining mould. filled the holes and cracks in the spare room walls with plaster and tidied up. Jo was dead.

My mum and then brother rang me just as I had decided to lay down on my bed, I could finally rest now jack was feeling better and jobs were done but no people wanted to talk to me -___- i was so tired. 2 walks and house jobs and house chores and looking after jack.

Later on dad and my brother brought Oz's cage over, and mum brought Oz over with hay and sawdust and food. Mum says Oz was a bit stressed but as soon as I saw him and let him investigate the living room there was no stopping him and he cheered up ^^

we got the hutch set up and I put him home after mum had sat with us for a bit.

we had our dinner which was soup left overs and gammon cob left overs

Jack told me to open a present from his nan which is tradition he says, so we both opened a gift which was pyjamas, she likes to buy all the grandchildren new pyjamas for christmas eve. She had wrapped mine in christmas rabbit paper!! such a thing exists!? I was given dark blue bunny pyjamas with fluffy socks and Jack just plain pyjamas

then I sanded down the plaster work i had done whilst jack showered. I also finished Mia's birthday card ^^

Got Oz out and he was just so happy and off he went, he had a 45 min run around the house doing about 30 poos in  our bedroom >.> but he was happy and wanted to be with us too. I put him home and he checked his dish for a treat then checked my hand - his usual behaviour when he knows its bed time which i thought was a good sign considering he was in a new place. Hes in his usual hutch but in our garage next to the window for light. 

Then I sat down cus got I needed it, didnt get any rest with Oz in

Now just doing my diary at 9pm I am tired. But I havent eaten much today and done a lot.

I do feel better and more complete for having Oz here now, it just feels better having him here. I think he came at a good time what with Jack losing his cat. He needs fluffy pet therapy. 

Tomorrow morning I am gonna get up and give Oz the best christmas present ever - his new kingdom. He will be shown the garage floor and the garden! So I will be supporting him with that then I think I have to do another jack family tradition of opening my stocking presents at the end of the bed - they have given and filled my own stocking 0.0 his mum went to a lot of effort! Then we are getting the dinner on which we have semi-prepared. We decided to cook slow cooker leg of lamb ^^ hopefully it will go well. Then open presents I guess and have dinner and then see my family for cake and custard as is tradition X3 Just hope I sleep tonight

My picture so far

thats it now

 Evening

Last night think I drifted off before Jack came to bed, but found out this morning he had been up til 1am playing games >.> I woke up at 9am which is too late for my liking.

I tried to do some dancing this morning, I complained to Jack that the other sofa is in my way so he sorted the furniture out in the room and left me to it, he was gonna 'chill' then do his jobs when I went out. I said "no Jack im cracking the whip here, youve gamed for 4 hours every day for a few days you can bloody well get on with some jobs" he couldnt tell if i meant it or not, checked the clock to see it was almost 10am and said "yeah fair I'll get on with it" I went to dance but I need that stupid old chandelier taking down cus I was worrying about hitting it, I had new socks on so I was slipping around so my foot work was terrible. And what was worse was that dances I have done quite literally 100 times I could not remember how to do them...complete mental block like I had forgotten how to dance. Awful awful session. I gave up and did some yoga then took a shower

When I got out I left Jack with his list of chores and went over to mum's she made me a cup of tea and I sat with her and Oz then got on with the sewing I needed to do. She wants two cushion covers making for her friend's bday in January. I worked hard on it but couldnt do a design I wanted so gave up and just did standard cushions. But mum was more than happy with the end result.

I sat with Oz again and the girls as well. I had lunch with mum as well. I remembered that I still hadnt got mia a birthday card. I usually make one but I just havent had time. So I did that as well! taking inspiration from a design of card she designed and sells herself and did my own version of it XD I hope she likes it and finds it funny. Took some more bits over to my house as well

I got back and me and Jack had a brew

he told me he had managed to clean the garage - I havent been to inspect

blocked one end of the garden where Oz could get out but hasnt done the gate as it hasnt stopped slating it down today so he didnt want to get too soaked which is fine

he didnt stick the coving up as he said it's a 2 man job - which yeah fair

and he hoovered and tidied up

brought all the pieces of the wardrobe inside from the garage from Oz's teeth

cleared the spare room so we can redecorate in there

so I was mighty pleased with how much he did

we finished our tea and went to go do the coving, which did take us both to hold up. We had 5mins before 'no nails' set. it took jack 3 mins to actually put it on the coving, we were using his phone to time us. and then we had 2 mins to hold the bugger up! its made of plaster so its quite weighty but its still holding!

we warmed up our left over pasta as well and had that

we finished today what we do in the shadows, glad theres a season 3 ^^

just not sure what to watch next really.

Then we had the job of taking over Jack's family's presents. He thought we wouldnt be allowed in due to covid. I drove us in the pouring rain, it was dark and puddles the size of lakes on the roads. Like I had to use other lanes to get out of the reach of the puddles! Jack said he would drive back but I said I was struggling so her certainly isnt driving back.

We gave them their presents at the door and they welcomed us in....

was not expecting to be invited in. i had my scruffs on, messy hair, crippling tummy ache from dinner and my pain killers were due in an hour

she kept us on the other side of the room and didnt come near us, it was like the family vs jack and Jo XD but i enjoyed seeing them I just ached and had stomach ache and was tired. I couldnt moan too much as we got told that the family cat has days to live basically. So Jack, who loves his cat, it was his last time to see the cat. But he sat her on his knee and fussed her but that was it....like id be in pieces.

we left at gone 9pm and I had to drive back shattered. They gave us a boot full of presents, literally only just fit them in my car 0.0 jesus....

I asked jack how he was feeling about the cat he said he was just keeping it together, he wanted to cry. But I knew his mum was only just keeping together so Im guessing he was staying strong for her. Wondered why he was a bit absent of emotion. But yeah. Queenie is sweet tho. I feel bad for them seeing her so poorly.

I came home ranting about tummy ache, aches, it was 9:30pm and I wasnt in my pyjamas so jack was like "so go sort yourself out!" XD i just like ranting at him

walked into the bedroom and stripped off and caught my reflection in the mirror....

i have gone a long time without seeing my naked reflection

i could have cried. honestly i dont know how i kept it together

I HAD NO IDEA THINGS WERE THIS BAD

I AM FAT

no other words. My body is hideous. awful.

I cant look again. 

i hate it so so so so much. I want to cry

i texted mum saying i didnt know i had let things get this bad

so thats it now. no treats for Jo

it's 10:30pm I still have tummy ache and cant stop thinking about my weight

god knows if i will sleep. i just want to cry and let it out.

typically i have been good today - mentally

tomorrow

christmas eve, have nothing planned other than seeing mum and Oz and finishing Mia's birthday card

it's not all got to be done in one day

 Evening

So last night I had happily sat next to Jack drawing, working on his Hammington picture. But called it a night at 9pmm so I could go and paint my nails alone in front of What we do in the shadows

I went to bed at 10pm, but struggled to sleep, my thoughts just plummeted massively. I went from feeling pretty ok in my self to thoughts of harming my self. I have no control over where my thoughts head but my head was so busy, I struggled to read in bed I ended up reading the same paragraphs and pages over and over again. So i gave up. Listened to the thoughts in bed til I nodded off around 11:30pm. Got woke up at midnight by Jack climbing into bed and this unsettled me greatly. I was in so much damn pain. I was slightly annoyed that I had been woken up even tho he had probably been as quiet as he could have been. This is something i just need to get used to - this double bed and someone climbing into it after I have fallen asleep. All in time I guess

so we got up and I heavily dosed myself up I didnt care, I didnt tell Jack how much I was having he would only worry and probably not slept. We had hot chocolate and biscuits. I fell asleep really quite fast thanks to pain killers. Next thing i knew I was waking up rather groggy at 8:30am. Jack was already awake and had been in and out of bed, flushed the toilet and everything but I dont wake up to that but somehow wake up to him coming to bed >.> I felt like going back to sleep all thanks to midnight pain killers and Jack said I didnt need to get up but the freezer could come at any minute and I didnt want to leave with him. So i got up, literally 1 minute later the delivery men rang up to say they were 10 mins away. So good job I got up

delivery men turned up and took our damaged freezer and replaced it with a new one ^^ no problems. We were all sorted before 9am! 

I went for a shower and got ready to go out and we went to meet Harvey and Theo and we went for a nice winter walk round a park. We walked by some shops and we had cake from a bakery which was nice and sweet and needed. We went into a charity shop and I got a new mat for me to lay on at work for only £3! its basically a fold away yoga mat. so I am glad I have a replacement for that.

we left Harvey and Theo, it was really nice to see them despite my mood flocculating whilst we were with them. We said we would go for another walk next tuesday with them. We went to a hard ware shop for some wire meshing to secure the garden then went home. Jack drove us home. I was very very achy and in a lot of pain.

I got home, had a brew, several pain killers and just collapsed on the bed after my tea. Jack very kindly made our cheshire cheese soup, i havent made it in a couple of years and it was as good as I remember it he did well ^^ he even cleaned up! I was back on the bed and mum texted Jack asking if she could come over, I told him that she could. So at almost 3pm mum came over with the Ozwald, who has been doing poos in the new hutch - he found it open first thing this morning and was making it known it was his now -____- mum  has since scrubbed it clean and left it to air. He had a good hop round and I put treats in his new treat pot and gave him one ^^ i loved having him over, we need each other.

Mum took him home after 4pm, Jack had left us alone to talk after he had made us a brew. He was really helpful today ^^

We watched more of what we do in the shadows and then went on computers then had our very easy dinner of gammon we left in the slow cooker all day for about 9 hours in cola XD it was soooo good we had it on cobs.

after that my brother came over in my dad's van with the new rabbit hutch for it to dry in our garage as it is upsetting Oz by being on top of his hutch. So it is clean and drying in our garage now.

My brother stayed til almost 9pm just talking to me and Jack which was nice I am so glad he has been coming over and spending time with me ^^ I was worried he wouldnt be bothered or miss me.

he left and I came to do my diary.  I am shattered  so I am gonna finish up here and read in bed. I have no concentration for drawing tonight it is too late now. Jack is playing online with Harvey and Theo for the first time in a good week or so. Not sure what time he will be finished at its 9:40pm and he only started at 9pm. He best not wake me again >.>

tomorrow

I am maybe dancing? I might give dancing a go in the morning, have a shower then go over to mum's. she wants to give her best friend 2 cushions for her new camper van for her birthday in January so I said I would make the cushion covers as she wasnt having any luck finding a decent cushion online. So I ordered all the fabric and such and now it has all arrived I can make it. But my craft stuff is all at mum's so I will be over there working tomorrow and I will be tasking Jack with many jobs...how much he gets done is another question!

Been a bit stressed tho cus we have stuff to do

basically we need to make the garden secure for Oz, I need to clean the garage out to make it safe for Oz, move Oz over

the spare room needs the coving sticking back up (fell down due to mould and damp) the room needs painting, the wardrobes from Luke need building back up in there, I need to bring the rest of my clothes over from Mum's once the wardrobes are up

when we went to the hardware shop today they have a sale on bathrooms til 11th January and I think we could afford to have ours done so I need to book an appointment with them to design our bathroom and pay for it before 11th jan to get the sale discount.

so much to do

stresses me out

my health is up and down - mostly down - how long do i give it til i see the doctor? 

yeah Jo's head is spinning

people keep saying to me "its not all got to be done in one day, dont stress, we will sort it. its ok"

yeah its hard

actually saw mia, our walk in the rain

 Evening

Last night was sunday so Jack's online gaming night

I did stay in the room with him drawing until 9pm which is late for me to be on my computer but I wasnt feeling that tired. So I made myself a hot chocolate and watched What we do in the shadows but literally as I sat down Jack finished up! so he made himself a hot chocolate too - as I did boil enough water just in case he wanted one! and we watched an episode together then went to bed, I did a bit of reading but couldnt really focus on my book to be honest

I did sleep well I woke up at 7am then at 8am and decided to get up as I had an alarm set for 8:30am anyway. Besides I was bloody crippled! back and ribs ache, that bed needs bedding in! its just a bit firm for me right now but jack is really happy with it. He offered for me to sleep on top of the duvet but I want to sleep in the bed like a normal person. 

we got up and I feel better about 10mins later after I have moved about a bit anyway

I got ready to meet mia, unfortunately it was raining, quite bad but I really really wanted to see her, give her her presents and get some fresh air! so I went out wrapped up, stupidly I put my airy trainers on so I had wet socks quite quickly ><

but yeah she turned up with her dogs and we swapped presents at the door and went for a walk which was a good walk I was gone a good hour, I got soaked but I enjoyed it. Just talking to and seeing another human being who isnt my family or Jack - no matter how much i love them

she said the same thing actually

so when I got in Jack kindly made me a cup of tea and warmed my oat bag up for my shoulders so yeah he was there to thaw me out which was kind of him ^^

I showed him the Hammington picture actually and he really liked it, he laughed but yeah he said he liked it and said he loves me XD he likes my humour and I like his

we had lunch then I helped Jack wrap up his family's christmas presents and then we went over to mum's were I was greeted by Oz on the sofa :D mum got him in for me ^^ we sat with the girls too. Oz smelt I must say. He never smells but yeah he smells. Mum said to go have a look at the ne hutch they got which is on top of Oz's cage at the moment. It stinks like it really stinks. It housed a male rabbit who clearly hasnt had the snip cus un-neutered male rabbits STINK. I can never wait to get my baby male bunny done just cus their wee smells so bad. And this cage hums of rabbit wee. So Jack googled what we would be best to clean it with as we dont want to replace the smell with bleach as thats unfair on Oz's nose. White vinegar apparently works well so mum said she would buy some for us. I have offered to clean the hutch tho - just putting that out there

we came home at 4pm and brought home with us some more of my clothes but also our Ottoman for the bedroom! it arrived today and we get everything posted to mum's house so I relieved her of that massive thing. We are dead pleased with it tho, its soft and sturdy  

we watched more of what we do in the shadows - i have almost finished it!

then did dinner which was pasta and I made a good job of it ^^

cleaned up and now I am on my laptop, Jack is talking to his friends tonight on skype at 9pm so I am gonna paint my nails whilst he does that. 

Tomorrow 

we are getting our new replacement freezer between 7-11am as our first one arrived with a massive dent in it where the temperature knob is. So once we have that we are hopefully going for a walk with Theo and Harvey. Just so we can have a catch up and see them. It was so good to see Mia today so I am sure Jack will be happy to see his friends, heck even I will be! so isolating lately

havent got anything else planned after that I dont think, apart from going to the shops were Harvey lives. and we might pop in a hardware shop for stuff to protect the garden with for Oz

right its 8pm I have some time to do some drawing!  

Started Hammington Picture

 Evening!

I had a much better night last night, a lot was due to sheer exhaustion

but when we got back we did watch Inuyasha together and had a hot chocolate which Jack made for me. He did make an effort with me, even skipping a 'christmas party' online with his friends he plays online games with.

We went to bed after 10pm I was just done but felt much better in myself

I slept through the night and needed my alarm which went off at 8am

we only set an alarm as we wanted to get to the shops for 10am - which is what time they usually open

so we had breakfast and both had a shower and then went out to the shops. Jack drove all day today which meant of course parking up in a car park! he parked out the way of any other car XD I wasnt complaining as its less stressful but he did do really well. But looking at the supermarket car park it was so busy...but how it was 10am!? people were coming out with trolleys full! usually on a sunday you cant buy anything til 10:30am its some sort of rule/law i think. so we got into the shop which actually wasnt too bad. We had a massive list 0.0 it was a bit daunting to be honest. 

My anxiety was quite high but to be honest I did cope really well and we got everything on our list racking it up to £142! but thanks for our 10% discount for being key workers we got it at £130! jack did buy some whisky so that added to the expense and we brought A LOT of meat...so much meat...XD

we got back to the car and Jack drove us to wilkos were we had to que outside to get in and shelves were pretty empty :/ we just about managed to get what we wanted. 

Then we came home, I was so tired by this point, my body had begun to shake a bit.

We unpacked the sheer amount of shopping, made a cup of tea and used our toaster! we had fruit loaf, something I have never had before but Jack reassured me it was just like tea cake - we couldnt get tea cakes really. It was actually really nice

I txted mum to say we were back and fed and they can come over when ever.

she sent me a txt "just been to derby to fetch a hutch!" so yay!!!! I have a new hutch for the Ozwald

she sent me a photo then video footage of Oz checking it out and hopping inside it >.> hes too cocky for his own good. It had housed a male rabbit so Oz was going round scenting it all -_____-

mum said that Oz threw his food dish out his cage yesterday. He has never done that in his whole life, he also tore his newspaper up which he doesnt do very often to be fair. But mum said "do you think he knows something has changed?" I mean I have only been away at the time 2 nights and one of which I did spend with him so it was no different to me having a weekend at Jack's flat but somehow Oz knows I have moved out and is showing us how he feels -______-

the 'new' cage which is obviously second hand will stay at mums and Oz will have his usual hutch for the bungalow. We will move him over hopefully this week but we just need to secure the garden which isnt going to be too big of a problem there is only a small gap at the end of the garden, and then need some wire meshing for the gate as the gate is metal and he could get through the gaps.

My brother and my dad came over and were keen to start, they started on the roof...

my 58 year old dad on the roof doesnt sit well but there is no stopping him. He went up to clear my gutterings and to actually sort this blasted tv aerial out that my brother has been trying to sort all week. They did eventually sort it. the problem was the wire coming from the aerial it's self like the satellite bit, the cables were destroyed so its no wonder my brother had no luck with any of the cables in the house. My mum came over - without Oz - we went for a walk together leaving the men in the house. And we talked about my mental health and such cus shes obviously worrying about me and says the house feels odd and strange without me.

we came back to the bungalow and I assisted dad whilst he changed light switches and light fittings and I got his opinion on what needs nails and what needs screws - luckily we got away with nails so Jack was able to do them - the drill - he needs to build his confidence up with.

so we have the porch room finished!!! another room ticked off, the new freezer will be in there on tuesday but apart from that it is finished XD

they left together as I ended up with my whole family over XD jack doesnt mind

then me and jack sat and watched an episode of what we do in the shadows and then did dinner which was noodles but I struggled with it, as i am just struggling with food at the moment.

Then it was pretty much time for jack to game, i massaged his hands for him as he says they have been bad lately so i did that then I went on my own laptop on my own little desk - that my family think are very good ^^ and did some drawing. Started drawing me and Biscuits Hammington - a big 20" plush I have of a hamster. Jack keeps finding me cuddling her as I love cuddling her on the bed. He keeps saying "I need some cute kinky picture with you with Hammington" the perv

so I am drawing him one, as I am no way letting anyone take photos of me right now. I told him I am drawing him the picture but he hasnt seen it XD

here we are so far, hammington is only roughly drawn

think its going ok, something different for me to draw actually

I am gonna log off now as it is 9:10pm I am tired and gonna chill out without listening to Jack game beside me. God bless headphones

tomorrow

Mia was coming over to exchange gifts but cus of further covid restrictions I am unsure how I feel about it so we are still meeting up but taking the dogs for a walk round here at 9:30am so jack gets a bit of quite time :)

then I will probably help Jack wrap his presents for his family. Not got a lot else to do really. I have bits on this week but I think tomorrow will be quite quiet.

Not a good first night

 Evening

Well last night me and Jack didnt settle down and watch Inuyasha

he seemed quite happy on his computer so I left him to it and got ready for bed

he did join me, he was tired and stopped reading in bed before me. I could not settle tho. I was restless. I had slept for over 2 hours in the day and done no exercise. Also my mind was racing.

I got up, leaving Jack fast asleep and made myself a hot chocolate - you can hear everything in the bungalow so I was worried the kettle would wake Jack up - nope!

I sat with my hot chocolate and had a pain killer even tho I had only taken some 2 hours previously but I just wanted to sleep and usually that does knock me out. But no

I laid there and laid there, listening to Jack sleep

I couldnt take it anymore and decided to see how asleep he was and stroked his hand and said his name softly but nothing, so I got up alone. I sat crying in the living room alone

I just felt so confused. Like what I was feeling and thinking was wrong

Ive seen all my friends dead happy and excited about moving out, and I didnt feel that. I just sad...numb and unhappy. But why? I have had loads of help with everything to get me settled and such. I should feel happy and grateful but I just didnt.

I decided these thoughts were getting me no where so I did 20 mins of yoga by candle light and then decided I still felt like utter crap. I considered taking a lot of pain killers just so I wouldnt need to think or feel. I did take another pain killer at 1am which was over dosing but I wasnt bothered in the slightest. I went to bed and cuddled up to Jack who let me cuddle him in his sleep.

When I woke up this morning I was alone in bed and it was 9:50am!! jesus....that was some lay in

Jack had been up and sorted a few things online, such as our damaged freezer which is being replaced free of charge on tuesday.

I couldnt be bothered with the day to be honest I felt so flat and down.

Jack made me a cup of tea and tried to get me motivated and my spirit going

I had a shower and felt more human

Jack's new driving instructor arrived at 10:50am and off he went, whilst my mum pulled up on the drive with Ozwald X3 that cheered me up just seeing her and my Oz

who honestly was loving his morning and scattering his poos >.> found 10 under my bed the untidy git

mum helped me unpack the rest of my stuff and kept me company basically, which with the way I have been feeling is probably for the best. Then she took my Oz away and I had half hour to myself before Jack would be  home, so I decided to paint the wood work in the porch and the bathroom door so it all looks better for that. Then Jack came home and warmed our soup up whilst I finished the toilet door.

After lunch I decided to give my coffee table another coat of potent yacht varnish and the tin lid is a bit sharp in places but I didnt think much of it, so I continued to varnish away and looked down at the bubble wrap I had used to protect the carpet from varnish to find blood smeared across it. I looked at my hand and I had cut my finger open :/ not that I could feel it.

but that was enough to literally make me feel faint in a matter of seconds, luckily jack came in at that point and was like "have you cut yourself?" i just nodded as I couldnt speak, pathetic as the cut is TINY! he was like "right ok stop looking at it!!" and got me on to the sofa before I did pass out. For some reason I just cant cope with my own blood.

took me a while to recover from that which irritated the hell out of me as it was sunny out and i wanted to get out for a walk down the river!! jack tended to my cut bless him

and he drove down to the river, we walked in the sunlight along the river which was nice

then I drove us to tara's who wasnt in but I just wanted to drop her xmas present off anyway, then drove us home.

we got in and had a brew and a rest

we then planned out our meals and shopping list as its christmas week next week and we still dont have a freezer! 

then I had a half hour sleep on the bed whilst jack gamed

we went over to mum and dad's and had take away pizza, well they did i had pasta from last night as I couldnt face pizza and the pasta gave me stomach ache. I ended up crying on my bed from exhaustion and just the way I am feeling. we sat with Oz which cheered me up then we went home.

Come on here to do my diary, gonna have hot chocolate and watch inuyasha then go bed

Tomorrow

we are gonna get to the shops for 10am - when they open 

and do our christmas food shop

have lunch then dad is coming over to help with a few bits

then not sure really i guess we have the rest of the day free

our christmas tree 2.0 after i got some decorations from home