Jack's interview

 Evening

I slept pretty well last night, wasnt overly drugged out my head ether 

I felt anxious about school, simply because I would be holding down the fort 

I felt so sick. I drove this morning whereas jack usually drives but I felt he was too preoccupied with his job interview, which I could understand

so he got to school - in a suit - and many people wished him luck which was nice. He pushed his trolleys out and left! he was only in the building a total of 10mins!

Luckily no one bothered me all morning ^^ I was so relieved.

but I forgot to take breaks, usually I remember or have Jack telling me to SIT. But I think cus I was so out of routine with everything I just kept going and going and before I knew it is was time for our tea break >< so I made me and julia a brew and sat down to hear about her weekend and stuff. Then at 11am jack had been released and was walking back to school

I made him a strong sweet coffee and shared an orea packet with him

I was happy to have my jack back ^^

he told us how that school's science department was just a mess. Half the staff missing, no current head of science, and tiny labs, 3 prep rooms but one is out of use. Yeah he said he wanted none of that. Out right told them he didnt want the job! nice to know other places are struggling too I guess. I know school are all as bad as one another but yeah....

so we got the rest of the day done

my afternoon was pretty easy

Luke told us he had the new pokemon game. He had only managed an hour so far I was like "an hour!> pff look at him over there! Mr. 12 hours!!!" XD yes my Jack has managed a fair few hours already XD I cant say i am interested in the game. Not my sort of game, plus looks  like PS2 graphics and I find the music repetitive and annoying. But hes happy. I havent slagged his game off to him but he mentioned the graphics being a bit disappointing 

we got home and despite my mummy not going walking with her friends, she also didnt want to come over. She said she had felt down all day and wasnt in the mood for company....my poor mummy.

I miss her

I want to comfort her

I cant wait to see her

tomorrow...

we had dinner which was nice, jack really enjoyed his. I made him 2 cobs with bacon, omelette and hash brown on it. I had sweet potato, beans and omelette.

I worked on my brothers coaster idea, and I think I am done. I will show it mum tomorrow and see what she says before I order it.

thinking of having it printed as a glass coaster for his new work desk.

got Jack's digital work to do next 

I went on just dance for 20 mins or so

Oz had a bit longer inside too, he has been fussed and spoiled 

Going to watch anime soon and go bed. Need sleep ><

tomorrow

just school and seeing mummy after school

ive been wearing all pink this week for work ^^ jo is cute~

New pokemon picture

 Evening

I couldnt be arsed to do my diary last night to be honest

I was overwhelmed with how much stuff I still had left to do and didnt want to waste  my sunday doing what I hadnt got done on the saturday! But Jack pulled me away from my desk and made me wind down for the evening as I would have pushed myself and kept going.

So yesterday, I cleaned Ozwald out and went to see my mum and brother. Mum ranted off about how much of a selfish insensitive arsehole dad had been on her birthday. But the rant wasnt that bad....turns out my brother had brunt of it on friday -____- that figures. But I could tell she was hurting. I felt so mad. I was hoping I didnt bump into dad as I think I would have laced into him and at the end of the day its none of my business

I came home and had a quick lunch with Jack, felt like death and went to bed. Jack's step dad turned up with his younger sister. I stayed in bed for a bit but then got up as I didnt want to be rude but also knew I didnt have energy for the whole of their stay round here.

James and Jack shared some male bonding time over the radiators. They shoving hosepipes up it and everything. Black sludge and yeah proper manly stuff. I was talking with his younger sister.

Then when they left my brother came over 10mins later! and he stayed for a bit which was nice as he doesnt come over that often. He stayed and talked and had changed my laptop battery and assessed it to see if it all works ok ^^ he also put a new screen protector on Jacks new phone.

He left and I got straight on with dinner which was good. Then I went on just dance and only managed 3 dances and was left panting like a dog, on the inhaler and in pain. It felt so unfair. I hated it so much.

this morning we got up and went food shopping which was ok apart from struggling to walk round the damn store.  I mean for the love of god when is this going to end!? its going on and on and its not fair. I was hurting and exhausted. Whats up with me!!!!?

came home and did the soup, cooked my meat for breakfasts, made biscuits, prepped the evening dinners fish. Then had porridge for lunch and then I went to bed for an hour

I got up and it was sunny and I really wanted to go a walk. I havent been for a walk with my jack for 2 weekends now simply cus I cant walk....its so sad

He did his chores and I got on with the science work I didnt finish on saturday. but I still have more to do however I was not prepared to spend my whole weekend doing it >.> so then I started working on some art work for jack. He says he would like a personalised phone case for his new phone. 

so i made a start, he hasnt seen it. and its not the pokemon he's asked for.....but when I told him I havent gone with the pokemon he wanted he said he trusted me.

I managed to do 10mins straight of arm weights and then I did some length strengthening after dinner I had a bath and got ready for school. Of course Oz has been fussed as he was inside 5 and a half hours today he is very spoilt and happy bun.

tomorrow

my Jack has his interview! so hes coming school with me to push his lessons out on trolleys then he is walking to the school. I am hoping hes back for lunch time. I wish him  luck. I am massively stressed out about it as I can barely walk or stand for long and I have got to run 6 labs without him. i hope the teachers dont stress me out. He says hes going to email them all and say hes out so to keep demands to a minimum XD 

My mum has txted me this evening saying shes had it out with dad, theyre not talking and its all crap. I truly feel for her and I hope shes ok. Its not nice arguing but I am also glad she has told him how skank he has been to her otherwise he would have got away with it and never known what a dick he was. or is in many cases. I just hope shes ok. My poor mummy. I have let my brother know as hes at his girlfriends house and has to go home to a house with atmosphere....

some birthday day out

 evening

I didnt sleep that well, waking up aching the usual.

I woke up at 5mins before the alarm so 5:55am T^T

I got up with Jack and brought Oz in and Jack got off on time

and I fell asleep for 2 and a half hours....just what the actual hell! I can not remember the last time I slept for so long in one go during the day. I must have just been exhausted. I got up and had the second half of my breakfast and a cup of tea. I needed to start work but I just couldnt. I still felt like I needed sleep. I procrastinated and I felt terrible for it. I felt like such a failure, I should have taken the day off sick not work from home. As I hadnt worked. I felt like I had let Jack and myself down. I was even tempted to ring him and tell him I had done NOTHING.

I think when my body is allowed rest it TAKES IT. It over takes. Like it worries when it will next get rest. I think I constantly battle with my chronic fatigue and dont even fully appreciate the rest my body needs. I am not good at rest. Jack was happy I had actually rested a bit today.

But after I had a lunch of carbs and sugar I found the energy and will power to start my work and I kept at it for hours straight. I brought Oz inside as he had enjoyed playing outside today which was nice. I kept doing bits of work and checking on him. Started dinner so it would be ready for Jack when he came home. 

We had dinner and we had a quick catch up but I kept talking to him whilst he did a few jobs and then I let him have a shower and go game

I managed to do a bit of exercise and it about killed me off. It wasnt even hard. I put Oz home and cleaned the bathroom somehow. Had a very hot bath. Now doing my diary. I will do a bit more work even tho its 9pm and I will finish it tomorrow. i dont feel happy with where I got up to.

Jack says its fine but I have a standard. 

My mum went out for the day with my dad but dad was a total arsehole by answering calls on his phone - work calls - calls that could wait as hes not at work. She even sent me a photo of him in the cafe on his phone ordering car parts....how bloody selfish. Its your wifes's birthday outing and you cant even give her a few hours of your time. Whats worse is since theyve been home my brother has txt to say what a foul mood hes been in all evening. I would absolutely lace into Jack if he had been like that with me. My mums way of coping was going for a walk by herself when she got home. I think to cool off so she didnt have a full blown argument as my dad isnt good as saying sorry or even acknowledging that hes in the wrong. So in my mums eyes its not worth the argument. To me id have to say it how it is otherwise how do they know? i cant let things simmer

I have since offered to go out with her tomorrow morning but I think shes content with me coming over tomorrow morning. I dont know what I will say to my dad if I see him

arsehole

so tomorrow

in the morning I have Ozwald to clean out and make fresh bunbun. Then I will see mum and my brother as he is changing my laptop battery and putting a new screen protector on Jack's new phone. Then I think after lunch Jack's step dad is coming over to help him clean out a blocked radiator as the one in the living room is blocked full of crap and gives out no heat. It is freezing in there.

Jack has an interview

 Evening

I slept a lot better for whatever reason

This morning Oz was in a bit of a mood tho. Sour dough loaf he was

School, I was being delivered fish heads XD Julia even asked me to wash her daughter's fish head so it wasnt as bloody....

Then around 9:30am Jack checked his emails and he had an email offering him an interview on monday! Its at the school that is on the same road as ours and you can be at it in 10mins by walking. Thats at 8:30am so he can come school with me, put his  lessons out then walk to his interview. He will be wearing a suit~~ I am pleased for him. It does his confidence some good. I can tell hes a bit stressed about it tho.

It got to lunch time and it was literally hurting me to stand. I was about done. But I had so much to still do. I couldnt bare to leave Jack tomorrow but I still printed off the sheet for monday. And in my last 45mins of the day I prepped monday. I have prepped tomorrow as well obviously but did monday just in case I wasn't in tomorrow. I told Jack I dont want to leave him as I have too much on tomorrow. But he says my health comes first.

We got home and mummy was here and she had let Oz out. I went out to him three times to get him in and he ran away each time. I was fed up of going out for him as it was hurting me so much but I got him in the end. Not sure whats up with him. He hasnt even wanted much fuss. Until the point of him going home then he decided he wanted fuss.  I gave it and I got a whole beard of Oz fur. He is shedding....

Mum was happy to see me and Jack left us to it.

Mummy went and I said I might see her saturday as she going out tomorrow with dad for her birthday.

I did dinner which was a freezer leftover portion of thai stew for me and pizza for jack. The one unhealthy meal he gets each week. Everything else is cooked from scratch.

I rested after dinner as I couldnt do much. The pain makes me want to cry. It just does not let up.

I didnt do any exercise. I need a day off. I was thinking of maybe not going in tomorrow but I am worried about Jack - who already has a tension stress headache. But he actually just told me to work from home and doesnt even want me to take him or pick him up......we've never done that before but he said he might hitch a lift off someone at work maybe.

I had a bath and massaged my legs which felt nice

Jack is in the bath, we will watch anime and go bed

tomorrow I guess I am working from home! I have plenty to do, shed loads of biology - especially after my lesson today ><' 

be a long day tho as Jack will leave the house extra early and also mum wont be over for lunch T^T then when Jack does get home he needs to eat and bathe then go play games for 4 hours T^T

gave mummy the molcar

 Evening

Mummy's birthday today!

Luckily I slept a bit better last night but still felt as tired as always

School was fun in the morning tho as I had students knocking at my door giving me fish heads. I think I freaked one guy out as he was like "er I have a fish head" I said like dead pan "give it to me" XD

I went in during the practical and heard this

"sir can I give my fish a kiss?"

"sir my fish bit me man"

"sir my fish is drooling"

I was laughing and it was good to see

I have it again tomorrow so yay i get to see another selection of fish heads :3

I managed my day just about but it was hurting to stand and walk and so I took it easy the rest of the afternoon as I had burnt myself out pretty badly in the morning....

We got home and mummy was here! its mummy's birthday ^^ she had made lovely little cup cakes so we sat with Oz having cup cakes and tea it was a nice treat. Mummy opened her presents too and she really loved what I got for her. 100% guinea pig presents. Molcar was probably her favourite XD So that was nice and shes since sent a txt thanking me for everything. She loved that molcar, she thought it was so sweet and wants to put it somewhere she can see it often a.k.a her guinea pig shrine in her bedroom XD my brother has since sent me a photo of the molcar - he likes it XD

She left and I somehow managed 30mins of yoga, had a bath, did my biscuits, dished dinner.

Now just doing diary in the kitchen whilst Jack washes up, I will take Oz home and watch anime with hot chocolate and the remaining cupcakes~~~

tomorrow

i really want to go to school but I am in a lot of pain. Despite having a MEGA HOT bath earlier that had me glowing like a lobster and unable to feel temperature once I was out XD I did it to kill the aches but theyre back with a vengeance. So I really want to go tomorrow but god knows what state I will be in. I have my lesson tomorrow and fish heads~ 

1 whole week of hurting to walk and stand

 Evening

Im struggling to stay asleep T^T keep waking up cold or aching or both

I once again woke up before my alarm so got up for a wee, did my teeth then I woke Jack up ^^

School was ok I guess. I just had a lot of talking

talking = Jo giving out best energy = Jo knackered and burnt out -_____-

I always want people to feel they can talk to me and Im not just some drained miserable husk of a human being. So I give them my best energy when they talk to me. But it is exhausting T^T

still its good to talk to people I guess

we came home and mum was already here and let Oz out

I had a cup of tea with Oz and mum, Jack went upstairs on his PC. I painted mum's nails. She having her hair done tomorrow so she will be fresh with nails and hair on her birthday tomorrow!

We did dinner which was so good and simple god it was tasty tho

then I prepped a bit for my stew in the morning, went on my new just dance 2016 as mum brought my post over and that had arrived! so I did 20mins but that was an ask. I felt like I had been on it 45mins. I was so exhausted. Its hurting to stand and walk....

I called Jack over and we both sat together fussing Oz so that was nice, then took him home bless him. Hes had such a nice day today.

I had a bath then I am gonna do some chores before bed cus you know thats what you do when you work full time and have a house. You have no life, no time for yourself or energy

tomorrow

school, got 2 practicals one of which is the fish head prac XD i love it. So tomorrow morning kids will be coming to my prep room door handing me fish heads to put in my fridge XD love it

and when I get home mummy is coming over with cakes she will make tomorrow as its her birthday and we can give her her pressie :3

please god let me sleep tonight. I even took extra pain killers last night in the hopes of sleeping but nah

just another mundane monday

 Evening~~

I didnt sleep well last night. I kept waking up cold and aching T^T So I was quite tired this morning. I woke up at 6am, then was waking every 5 mins to my alarm as I was aware it would be going off soon and would no doubt make me jump! So at 5 mins til my alarm I turned it off and woke my Jack up. We had a quick cuddle and got up

School was ok. No practicals, so it was an easy enough day. I was just tired and it was also hurting me still to walk. Not as bad as last week but it was still there a bit. So I was trying to stay off my feet so I wouldnt be in horrendous pain for the rest of the week.

I also printed off the teacher's 50th birthday card I made. No one said anything about it. Ether they thought it was shop brought or being the boring science types, they probably didnt even notice the front cover....

We got home and sat with Oz and a brew. I started dinner before 5pm as I was hungry and didnt want to snack on crap. It was noodles and I was looking forward to it ^^

I have got to do some exercise and have a bath yet. Maybe do some drawing? not sure yet. Not sure what exercise to do ether actually....tempted to do work out but also dont want to do myself in and not sure what energy I have. So maybe just dance? but done that last few days. So I am not sure. I miss my kettle bell. Not done it for a week! lets do kettle bell XD

I AM SO TIRED THO

my eyes feel like where my cheeks are. theyre hanging down my face. I NEED sleep

I will be in bed on time for sure

tomorrow

just school then see mummy after school ^^

We played Just Dance together

 Evening

So last night we gave each other a 25min massage

I did Jack first and he enjoyed it, I asked him if I was hurting him at all be he was fine

Whereas with me I was like 'gentle there please!' my body is mega sensitive right now, my fybromylgia is on hyper sensitive mode. So yeah he hurt me a bit but backed off when I said. But it was nice to not think about my pain for 25mins

We watched anime with hot chocolate and went to bed

When I woke up I felt like I had been ran over....god I hurt. I told Jack I hurt from massage in places, he instantly felt bad but I said it was fine. I just felt like I was covered in bruises. Shows how light of a massage I usually get from Charlotte

this morning it was shopping, we let Oz outside before we set off and it was nice to see him play out in the morning. The mornings are getting lighter ^^

Shopping was alright, I felt fine about it all too. Just exhausted! and bruised ><

we got back and brought Oz in for carrot, unpacked and had a cup of tea

I didnt need to make soup this week but I made biscuits, cooked my breakfast chicken, prepped the fish for tonight and pork for tomorrow. So I was still in the kitchen for a bit. And I was so tired

after lunch I went bed for an hour

I got up and spent my afternoon doing science stuff. Still not finished but I didnt want to be doing it through the evening as I wouldnt be taking any information in. So I will finish it next weekend.

We had 4pm brew with Oz and I worked on my science a bit more whilst Jack sat with Oz

I did dinner, and it was good

after dinner

we played Just dance 2017 together! I asked Jack if he would like to play with me as we usually do a walk together and we didnt this weekend just to preserve my legs. So he played. He did 3 dances with me. 3 I  hadnt done before and he beat me at one. He picked all the stupid dances tho >.> I did a couple more afterwards by myself as he had enough.

I had a bath and a pamper, so I did face scrub, face sheet, dyed eyelashes, put the wow dream coat in my hair. So I feel fresh~~~~~it was effort but sometimes I enjoy taking care of myself. Self care is important. I enjoyed it and doesnt feel like a chore~

Just waiting for Jack to finish up in the bath then I think we will watch anime and go bed. I am ready for bed too -_________-

but its school when I wake up T^T

so yeah just school tomorrow really nothing special. 

I will need to print out that teachers 50th birthday card and get it signed as she doesnt work mondays so I need to get on with it!

had homemade fruit loaf and need a new battery

 Evening

I think I must have just been drifting off to sleep when Jack came to bed and that was it then. Everything was screaming at me so we were up then waiting for the extra pain killers to kick in. We were up til almost midnight. I kept waking in the night just hurting and having to get into a new position. 

I woke up at 8am

I brought Oz in who was harassing me for carrot, he was waiting on the sofa for his carrot. Feeling like a stressed single parent, I woke Jack up for support and showed him Oz and he understood my need to wake him XD

So this morning I cleaned my little boy out, I did a bit of science work which was just painting diagrams. then at 11am I went over to see mum for a couple of hours. She gave me home made fruit loaf which was nice. My brother took my laptop off me to have a study of it. He also jet washed the mud off my car as he was doing his own. He said to wash my car

so when I came home at 1pm, we had lunch, I went to bed for an hour as I had been tired all damn morning then Jack helped me wash my car which was nice of him. I hoovered it out and just gave it a quick dusting inside. So shes all clean~

We came inside and had a cup of tea to warm us up and I brought Ozwald in too. He been very tired all day I am unsure why! but he seems happy enough. He didnt do any humping action anyway thank god

I did dinner and luckily my brother came over on his way to his girlfriends house with my laptop and said I need to order a new battery. That isnt such a bad diagnosis at least! So we could watch the last episode of toradora which was good timing as I was looking forward to it but I am not sure how I feel about the last episode. Think were watching something like magus bride next?

I did some yoga after dinner, I wanted to go on just dance but Jack suggested something a little more sedate :/ so I did 35mins of yoga. Oz didnt join in >< 

I had a bath, cut Jack's hair, finished off my painting for the day

Just waiting for him to come out the bath then we are going to do massages!! I suggested it the other night and Jack was up for doing it and we said we do it at the weekend. Mainly to help me and the aches I have been feeling. So I am doing him first then he will do me. Then we will have hot chocolate, I might paint my nails too tonight.

tomorrow

I have weekly shop to do, not got soup to make as I have 10 portions in the freezer XD so I just have a bit of meat to sort out and biscuits to make and thats it~

Oz tried to hump me

 Evening

I slept like the dead, I didnt even wake to Jack coming to bed. He wasnt even that much later than me going to bed but I was long gone.

I got up with him this morning, but I noticed upon walking to the kitchen, it was so painful to walk. I was so relieved that I wasnt going school. I just needed to take Jack to school

As soon as I got home from dropping him off I went to bed for almost 2 hours

I cant believe how much I slept and how deeply. I think I just had no more to give

I got up and began my work tho

mum came over for lunch but I felt too tired to hold a conversation. She brought the girls over which was nice. She left and I laid down for a bit I just was so tired for whatever reason. I really does get frustrating being this drained and tired. 

I got up and got 1 part of my work finished - a 50th card from the science department. 

People were up for it and gave me ideas about Mel I could write. But I must say - it took a lot longer than I thought it was going to! But I didnt want it to look crap you know?

I brought Oz in and had fruit loaf and tea with him. I sat on the floor. He came grunting over which is day to day thing Oz does. but he suddenly really intently sniffing my wrist as I was leaning on my arm laying on my side. He then started grunting and I could tell he was being frisky.....He let off a smell as well. And it was like he wanted to hump my arm....but didnt quite know what to do....he was kinda trying to do it but just ended up lifting one back foot then the other like he was walking on the spot which is an odd sight for a bunny.

This is VERY ODD behaviour for Oz. Frisky behaviour for a bunny is common - however - Oz have NEVER shown any mating signs/humping/frisky behaviour etc. Even when he still had his manlyhood. He never did it. Which I did find weird as all my other bunnies did it and I couldnt wait to get them castrated! But Oz never did it. I had him castrated as soon as he was old enough as it makes them smell better XD So when he tried this today I must say it did shock me. But bless his cotton socks, he couldnt work out how to do the 'hump' action. No one had thought to tell Oz how to do it XD that was 30 seconds of behaviour nether me or him with ever understand

Jack came home not long after that actually and I told him it was weird for Oz but Jack didnt seem that fussed.  We talked about our days then reheated our leftovers for dinner

had dinner and then Jack went for a shower, I went to fuss Oz on the floor and once again he tried this frisky-like behaviour. There must have been a smell on that sleeve/wrist maybe? as it was only there he was trying it with. This time he grunted and his bum was twitching and he tried to pick a back foot up but once again he just did not know how to do the action and gave up after 15 seconds XD I just hope this isnt going to be a thing with him as I can't stop this 'desire' I have already taken his balls theyre aint much else I can have chopped off!

I felt exhausted, it still hurt to walk and stand but I knew after 2 days of doing no exercise, skipping again wasnt an option as other areas of the body were starting to scream. I didnt know what exercise to do but then remembered my mum brought my post over and in it was a new just dance game! so I went on that for half hour with Oz watching me as usual. It was really good!! the dances are harder thats for bloody sure!

I put him home and I cleaned the bathroom, god I could not face it but it had to be done

I had a 30min bath! i was so soggy XD

now just doing my diary

Tomorrow

got Oz to clean out

car to clean - jack says he will help 

science work to do T^T

it was karen's funeral

 Evening~~

I slept well last night, after laughing at the 'science fell in love' anime

I got up for school and my legs felt a bit better, I was glad I had chosen not to exercise last night

my first thought today was "its karen's funeral" I had even dreamed of my granny and was crying telling my mum how much I miss granny. I think its because granny and karen died in the same manner

school tho, the moment I started walking round school my legs hurt....

yet another day in awful pain

I was keeping an eye on the time. Thinking about mum going to the funeral, about karen etc

I had had enough tho, just being on my feet hurt.

I felt quite flat but was doing my best to keep it together

I got home and found mum here and she had let Oz outside but he didnt appreciate it XD

Jack went upstairs leaving us alone

mum talked to me about karen's funeral. She brought with her the little book you get at funeral with a lovely photo of karen on the front which made me want to cry just from seeing that

it sounds all in all that the family did brilliantly holding it together. Mum said they had painted her casket which was something karen had said to me years ago - before her cancer - thats what she wanted to happen when she died. I was glad her wish came true.  Mum said you could even touch the casket! but mum didnt. She also didnt go to the wake just because of covid and how many people were going! also mum is still recovering from her virus and said the funeral did her in. Funerals are exhausting tho.

I started crying, I couldnt keep it together any longer. I thought about karen, granny, life. Yeah i let it out.

I did dinner when she left not that I felt like it, I just wanted it done out the way

I cried for an hour then after then

the mask I do so well to wear, to keep that brave face on, to pretend all is well

fell off. I just silently cried. Jack hugged me and went to wash up but was keeping an eye on me. He cuddled me after he had finished. I told him I was fine. There was no need to go into the usual thing wrong with me - being long term sick and how it impacts my day to day life. I also felt I had no right to cry today as Karen's family must be going through hell right now.

I couldnt exercise, I was wiped and felt dizzy and headachy. So I decided to grab a quick shower. I wasnt in the mood for a bath, thought it would make me feel worse. A shower kinda brought me out my symptoms. I am just sat doing this whilst sitting with a face sheet on. To try calm the inflammation on my face and swelling

I might get round to drawing. Last night I attempted drawing for a few mins but my eyes were so blurry and tired that everytime I drew a line I pressed UNDO afterwards. I gave up. I was just so shattered that I ended up getting ZERO time to myself and went to watch anime with Jack before bed. But I may attempt it again tonight

tomorrow

I AM WORKING FROM HOME

I have plenty to be getting on with, I refuse to put myself through another day of pain for work. I missed my friends funeral for work, I am in so much pain I do not want to waste my weekend recovering from work. So I put my foot down and said to Jack I would be working from home tomorrow. I had made this decision earlier at school when my legs were screaming at me so I prepped for tomorrow and monday so to take the stress off Jack. Jack is fine with me doing this. Mum said she will come eat lunch with me so it isnt a long day of being by myself.

so it should be a nicer day on my body mentally and physically tomorrow

in so so much pain, it hurts to walk

 Evening

I slept well last night

but this morning, god my body

my legs and lower back KILLS

it actually hurts to walk. To the point where I could cry

all I wanted to do was stay home and sleep. I needed to be out of pain

but instead Jack just told me to take regular breaks

I was on my arse for hours doing nothing. I thought "if he wont let me stay home, I will make it so it is like I was home" XD but to be honest I couldnt do much

but after break time I did start to pick up a bit

but the pain of walking....it was like someone squeezing my muscles constantly combined with growing pains. I wanted to cry. 

So I have overdosed~

I somehow got through my day going from perch to perch

Mum was home when we got in, and I was in such a mood. Cobby and grouchy

but I soon chilled out, Jack left me to mum think he wanted to escape me XD

I went to have a bath

I wasnt going to exercise today as I felt any exercise was going to make matters worse

so I was in the bath ages and massaged my calves with muscle relaxing body wash and it helped a bit.

Then I made biscuits then served up the curry we put on this morning.

Oz has just gone home and I might have 10mins of drawing then watch anime and go bed

I am so exhausted

this is what I have been working on anyway

its for my brother's birthday, if it turns out well I will get it printed as a glass coaster for his new work desk I think

if I feel like this tomorrow and still hurts to walk - i will not be going

I feel i pushed into going school today and really i should have recovered at home

but anyway. the day is done

bed......where is my bed T^T

im walking like a cripple

tomorrow is school

i have my biology lesson and I have a practical to do

it hurt to stand

 Evening

I woke up a few times last night and got for 2 wees, turns out Jack did too! we are like an old couple already haha

I was abit anxious about going school but not as bad as yesterday. It was -1c tho like yesterday T^T

but oh my god

school

so busy

Jack had meetings to attend and other things meaning he wasnt around for support. I was overwhelmed with the sheer volume of work and I was so close to crying. There was so much to do. It was hurting to stand up as I had been on my feet so much. It was a very very hard day. I just wanted my bed so bad

I got home and mummy was home which was nice. We had tea with her and Oz

mum is still feeling poorly but she didnt look as deathly as I thought she was gonna do

She left and I did our noodles which only took like 10-15mins to cook. It was bliss having an easy dinner after a hard day. I had stew to prep for the morning tho

did 20mins of exercise videos and then went for a bath but forgot to take Oz home

usually I take him home before my bath as I dont like going out to the garage with damp hair

so Jack - during my bath - picked Oz up and took him home!! this never happens! It was such a surprise that Oz cooperated and Jack was brave enough! and it went well!

I am gonna do a bit of drawing now! like literal 10mins

I then will watch anime and go bed as bed feels like an actual treat right now....

I am hoping school wont be as bad tomorrow

New Just Dance games!

 Evening

I slept pretty well

but today felt sicky and anxious for whatever reason

I was also tired

school was ok

I went to see Lizzi and ended up being with her for an hour for one thing and another -_____-

I couldnt do a simple working out of how strong a chemical needed to be because all I could think about was my weight, how fat I look and feel, to skip lunch, to not eat when I get home etc

It was doing my head in - literally! 

Found it so frustrating. mentalness just been bad today I guess

I got the day done tho

Mummy is still poorly

Julia said her daughter is off school poorly, she sounds like she had the exact same bug as mum actually. My poor mummy T^T

we got home. I was so so dead honestly

I had bad aches which I had at school, I was shattered and had a splitting headache

but the show must go on, I had dinner to cook 

then I was determined not to do any exercise tonight

but I knew after how my head had been today that I would end up killing myself if I did no exercise. I would be full of self hate and not sleep

so I managed 15mins of just dance but I really didnt try

dont think I was even sweating afterwards

went for a bath and when I came out I decided to look for just dance games on ebay

and wooooooo they had 2016 AND 2017

2016 is the one I need next and is usually £25 pre-owned in shops

I got it for £12 pre-owned. Then 2017 was only £13! such bargains needed to be had

Jack is having the new pokemon game this month so I need something XD

I have wanted another just dance for ages but never want to pay out for it

I know I wont play them every night but theyre a good alternative to weights or work outs in general. I only play whilst wearing weights now tho XD

now I might get some drawing done whilst Jack is in the bath, he takes ages to even get in the bath. Never known someone to spend so long on the toilet -_____- 

tomorrow is school

and hopefully seeing mum after school too!

I couldnt weigh myself

 Evening

I slept ok and got up for Oz at just before 8am

we had a bunny with attitude to deal with this morning >.>

We got the shopping done and I did the shed load of cooking

had lunch, had a rest for an hour on my bed but didnt fall asleep

then I felt flat all afternoon my body is physically TIRED but I hate resting

I spoke to my mum on the phone then my brother

I attempted some drawing but I hardly did any

did dinner then I was gonna skip exercise but I managed to do 20mins on just dance

I am shattered now tho

I used the Wow dream coat on my hair for the first time and my hair actually feels thicker and is shinier its strange! I hope it last the 4 days like it says, I would do it again!

Got school tomorrow T^T going dressed as a school girl XD

this morning

I asked Jack to weigh me. Just to tell me Muscle mass. I did want to know body fat percentage but thought best not push it.

however

as soon as I held the scales in my hand. I could the pull and hold they had over me

I WAS GOING TO OBSESS

I told jack how I felt. He took them and hid them! He actually hid them!

He said its not worth it

I agreed

I mean as VERY tempting it is to become leaner and skinnier - it is not worth making myself poorly. I have walked away. I can tell where I am right now with my mental health that it would just be a downward spiral.

I told mum and I think she was relieved

yeah its not worth it

at the end of the day I exercise to better myself mentally and physically. Not to be bothered about numbers. I need to stick to this belief

dont wanna go school tomorrow T^T

Gave mia her Todd canvas

 Evening~~

Last night I got a lot done and waited round for Jack who said he would finish gaming at 10pm. I got into bed at 10pm and I didnt noticed him come to bed.  I fell asleep like straight away! i was just that shattered. Jack told me in the morning he wasnt long after 10 to bed XD I was just tired obviously. 

I woke up at 7am and considered going back to sleep but I didnt want to same mistake to happen as last saturday. Instead of over sleeping and and mum knocking at my door it would be mia. So I decided to get up. I got Oz in and had breakfast with him then I scooped him up at 8am and he came with me to wake Jack up. I sat with Jack for a bit then went to clean Oz out. mia turned up just after 9am for a walk

I gave her her birthday present finally! And she LOVED it said it was the most thoughtful birthday present she had received. She was off to her parents house afterwards to she said she would show off her canvas of her past dog - todd

we went for a walk and it was nice to see her. She talked about weddings and things. I still feel no jealously or desire for marriage. I truly am happy where I am in life with Jack. I dont think if he asks me to marry him that he loves me more. Or that the reason he hasnt asked me to marry him yet is because he is unsure on the relationship. I think we are both content and if we chose to get married we will know when the time is right. Mia was asking what I would do for my wedding but it all depends on my health - how much I can handle, and money - how much we want to pay out for. Weddings are too expensive. Mia is going registry office then renting a venue for a big party. As its far cheaper and she wants to spend the money on a holiday to florida rather than spending the money on the rental of a wedding venue for a few hours. Literally she could rent a wedding venue for several hours for £5000 or go to florida for a full on 2 week holiday for the same price. Sickening 

I got home and had a cup of tea I was a bit cold as it has been like 0c today. Mum phoned so I spoke with her for a bit

We had lunch and I went to bed for an hour reluctantly but I was really tired. The cold walk had taken it out of me.

Then I cant remember what I did then but we decided to go to the next town for some bits. I was getting it out the way so I could see mum tomorrow. but she txt me later on saying shes felt so poorly and been in bed for 2hours :( my poor mummy. So I wont go see her tomorrow.

we came in and had a tea to warm us up and brought Oz in

I chose what nail art I wanted to do then went for a bath, we did dinner and had that in pyjamas which was nice. I was soooo hungry. Now I am doing my diary but I will do some drawing soon then do my nails before bed!

Tomorrow

is weekly shop and the load of cooking I usually have to do >< 

did pussycat doll dances

 Evening

I got off to sleep around 10pm, I woke up a few times cold in the night tho as it was like -2c

Oz was happy to come in and frisked us for carrot

School was ok and Jack was fine about going, he said he was going to apologise to head of science about how he went about what he said but doesnt take back what he said kinda thing. But I was glad he wasnt worried about going anyway. 

School was busy tho, how has this week been so busy? just never ended. I got to talk to julia's daughter for a bit tho which was nice. I think she looks forward to talking to me now ^^

We came home and brought Oz straight inside, originally I was gonna let him out but the fog from this morning has not budged all day! its sooooo thick. I couldnt see the playground at school. So everywhere is cold and damp and didnt want to put Oz out in that to be honest. He was happy to come in. We had a cup of tea then did an early dinner.

My mum usually sees me on a friday but she txt to say she was full of cold and didnt want me to get it. She had also done a covid test last night and this morning and shes ok. It is just a cold. But you can never be too careful these days >.> so I didnt see my mummy. But I told her that depending how she is at the weekend I might come see her.

We had dinner then jack went to wash up and have a shower as hes got gaming to attend. I was with Oz and very tempted to sleep. I was shattered

But I got up and exercised. I did a pussycat doll dance by growithjo it was good actually. I wore weights and then this song came on I used to do at zumba years ago! I had no idea what any of the songs were at zumba but obviously one was pussycat dolls. So I challenged myself and I could infact remember the choreography! I mean it is well easy but I did surprise myself! Then I did the kettle bell video so I did just over 30mins of exercise

took Oz home after I fussed him. Then cleaned the bathroom, had a lovely leisurely bath and pamper. Then doing my diary. I am gonna have a hot chocolate and be quiet then go bed. Jack can come to bed whenever. He says he finishes at 10pm but its never on time its ether finish before or after so I just do my own thing I dont wait round for him.

I am tired and ready for bed

tomorrow I am seeing mia for a dog walk at 9am. I am hoping its not freezing as its still -2c out there. I get to give her her birthday present! then I have Oz to clean out as well. Might have some time to myself!

I did a bit on my drawing last night

Jack got a telling off

 Evening

it took me a while to sleep last night, I mean we were in bed for 8:30pmm with the intention of playing on switchs but when I got into bed I was just so done. I fell asleep around 10pm. Poor Jack going to bed so early tho ><

We did covid tests this morning as it was still hard for me to breathe. Could be cold weather or the black mould who knows! But we were both fine

So this morning our living room was still trashed from Oz, so we left earlier in the hopes of getting into school early - leaving early - getting home in time to tidy up before mum comes over!

I walked into the prep room and it only felt like a couple of hours since I had last been there. Jack said "well if you think about it youve not had many waking hours away from here" tis true. Feel like I live there sometimes

School, I got plenty done

I went to my lesson which was an hour of Luke talking -____- too much information it was very hard going. It was also FREEZING in that classroom. I was so cold even with my coat on.

So I got to my office, shut the door and window, put the heating on and laid under coats for 20mins as I was just so numb. I was not feeling good

Jack came back from wherever - I had hardly seen him today - he came back and said he had just had a go at head of science in front of a biology teacher....my stomach flipped and I no longer wanted lunch. Jack has been stressed and pushed and today was a bit like breaking point.

So he was told to see head of science at the end of the day. I was tense as I was hoping Jack would keep it together and not kill him. I did not want things to be bad at work

He got back and said he had been told off - not formally. And that stuff after 2 years of asking is finally going to be changed. I think it took saying it in front of someone else for it to get done.

He got told off for having a go at him in front of another member of staff but i think he didnt like that because its made him have to actually do something whereas usually he fobs Jack off and nothing gets sorted. So I think stuff worked out ok. I am glad Jack didnt rage off at him.

we got home and had a mad clean of Oz' stuff! Mum came over and I had a tea with her and jack too a whisky up to his computer....

I had dinner with him and he had chilled out. I used my kettle bells and went to epilate before my bath, had a bath, took Oz home who has trashed the place again T^T its not being naughty hes just enjoying his toys but its making mess!

I might do a bit of my drawing tonight as I only got 2mins at it yesterday

yup a whole 24 hours and i got 2 mins to myself !

but this is it so far

tomorrow

last day of the week thank god...

messy bun

 Evening

I fell asleep so fast last night, I was shattered -_______-

I woke up at 11pm needing a wee, got into bed and slept until the alarm. That weighted blanket is amazing I love it and prepared to worship it.

We got up and I did the stew, jack changed the bed. Oz waiting in the living room for carrot XD

School was busy and I was struggling to breathe, I have no idea why. Just really bad asthma day. I was using the inhaler A LOT I was feeling dizzy as I was panting so much. It was wearing me out if I am honest! I wanted to go home and rest but I had far too much on for that. I couldnt leave Jack to all that. I got all my work done and even provided a bit of support in Luke's lesson with his bottom set class doing a practical. I was dead at the end of the day. But Lizzi came down to see us which was nice

We got home and we hoovered up where Oz plays, put a clean blanket down - still warm from the radiator and brought Oz in. The MESS he has left is untrue. He's had too much fun making mess there. Menace bunny he is at times. I did some bunny yoga for 40mins. He kept licking me. 

I had a bath and we had dinner with Oz in our pyjamas 

I might get round to a bit of drawing now. 

This is my rough doodle of what I am drawing. I am unsure how it will go yet

tomorrow

is school and see mummy after school thats about it really

actually managed some digital drawing on a monday night

 Evening

I managed a tiny bit of digital drawing last night before bed!

I did my work out again last night, had a bath and was in bed after anime for 8:50pm

I think I had fallen asleep by 9:30pm. I was shattered. I slept well too

that weighted blanket is a gods send 

This morning my intestines hurt still and once again I have a headache. Not sure whats up with me

we went to school and I had plenty to be getting on with. The day was ok on the whole but I just wasnt feeling it you know? Like just not in the mood for it all. I even went to see lizzi just to escape science talk. I had had enough of science talk and school talk. So I went to talk to lizzi for some normal convo

after school mummy had arrived early to let Ozwald out so he got to have a hop round and did toilet outside. He soon sat on his fort - his way of saying he wants to come inside >< 

mum stayed til 5:30pm I booted her out telling her I wanted to have my dinner

dinner was so easy and soooo tasty. Jack helped me too :) 

Now I might go on just dance for a bit. No more kettle bell for a day as it hurts to walk damn it!

then I will have a bath and stuff, the usual

tomorrow

its wednesday so stew morning and changing bed sheets before school! its always a rush on a wednesday but worth it. Got a few practicals as well tomorrow 

Jo was teacher technician :3

 Konbanwa~~

I slept pretty well last night apart from waking up at 11:50pm to Jack butting me - literally. he was man spreading big time. I got up for a wee and thought he would move by then. No

so I faced him and leaned my arm against him and eventually he moved. yeesh

This morning I felt ok about school, just didnt want to go! XD

we were just starting up and then at 9am we got a call from reception

"jack theres someone here to see you"??

what it was - months ago we agreed to train a science technician in microbiology. But we never wrote the date down of when this technician was coming

well today was the day! we had totally forgot that the technician was even coming ^^;

poor woman turned up and we had NOTHING sorted for her ><

whats more is that it was mircobiology so I had agreed to train her T^T

so I was on the go til midday teaching her one to one, luckily she was a nice person so it wasnt too bad and she had an idea of what stuff was - more than me when I started!

just when I thought id catch a break - julia's daughter came to have lunch

and we started talking and i ended up talking to her for the whole of her lunch

so til 1pm I had been giving out my best energy to people

leaving myself drained ><

but its fine. 

After lunch I cleared away, prepped for tomorrow, and rested with what time remained

I WAS DONE

we got home and brought Ozwald in, he was happy bun

I had easy dinner to do thank god 

just had dinner, my stomach feels off tho. Ive had a bad headache since yesterday, this morning I felt rough and now I am tired, achy, headache and stomach feels weird. Last night my intestines hurt. Today my intestines felt a bit better but I also have stomach muscles hurting a bit from kettle bells.

I want to have ago with kettle bells again today if I can

then have a bath and go bed early

i cant even keep my eyes open. I thought about skipping exercise but I will do it, somehow....

It was nice tho today being able to teach - as a technician. It shows how far I have come as a technician. At first I knew nothing now I can teach ^^ but I am still learning. It also made me grateful for my prep room and labs, when I hear about other school's set up our school looks like luxury. Our prep room and labs were designed by the previous technician team as the building is 11 years old. So they knew how they wanted it

tomorrow

school, 1 practical which is easy enough. Seeing mummy after school

Ozwald's cake

 Evening

Last night I couldnt sleep. Just could not sleep. So at 11:20pm I went to fetch Jack and he came off without me even asking, all I said was "i cant sleep" and he left theo and came to bed. I slept around midnight.

I woke up at 8am and woke Jack  up

We did our food shop, I was totally fine about shopping and I was excited to pick mummy up some flowers and we dropped them off to her on our way home. She was not expecting it and was very happy ^^

We put all the stuff away and got in for a cup of tea with us. I then spent the next 90mins in the kitchen making soup, sorting meat, sorting fish, making biscuits. It went on and on!

I was shattered after my lunch! I went to bed and got Jack to wake me up at 2pm which is when I got up and did mummy's birthday card so thats all finished now and I have all her presents too. All 100% guinea pigs XD

I didnt want to go for a walk today I just couldnt face getting cold not that it was even that bad today but I just didnt want it, Im gonna try my new kettle bell tonight instead for my exercise

I started some digital drawing but didnt get far

I ordered some bits online

had a brew with my two men at 3:45pm

we did dinner and I cooked a load of meat as well. I was on my feet for 45mins doing dinner T^T but I am hoping it helps me now do other meals this week as I am usually shattered after work and have little time. So its all to help me.

Oz is just being a loaf, he seems fine today much to my relief. I am gonna work out with him there then put him home when I go for a bath

so its not been an exciting weekend by any means but what was needed after my first week back! mia offered to go a walk today with me but I asked if we can go on saturday instead

tomorrow is school

ugh school >.> just dont wanna go! but I will be wearing some dark red leggings mummy gave to me as she said she couldnt get them on and they fit me with room to spare. I hope they stay up without me having to pull them up constantly. 

Here is Oz's cake that mummy made ^^ it was sooooooo good

Oz got his vaccinations

 Evening~~

Last night I slept pretty well. I was certainly ready for bed. I thought about setting an alarm but didnt bother, id be up for 8am right?

Woke up at 7:30am but decided to shut my eyes. Next thing I know my door bell is going

"its not that time all ready is it!?"

yup it was my mum at the door at 8:45am

she was like "have you just got out of bed!?" to jack as he opened the door to her XD

mum did us an absolute solid this morning she got Oz in, fussed him, sorted his carrying case out and whisked him off to the vets, leaving us to get out the house for 9:15am

I drove like a mad woman and got us there for dead on my optician appointment at 9:35am

we got there and the woman - who was a massive stuck up cow

said "your appointment was at 9:25am"

i said "no the woman said 9:35am, I have it written down"

she said "9:25am would you like to rebook?"

bitch

so i was 10mins late apparently and despite 2 members of staff standing around - no one could see me. like WTF

I made another appointment. the next one being 26th february

yup seriously

good job I aint blind in it!!!!

we drove out of there and I said to jack "lets go shopping"

i had an hectic morning of running mental round my house, having Oz whisked off to the vets, having a bitch of woman stick her nose up and me and telling me to do one

I went homesense and brought candles - which i was in need of a restock

and I brought my first kettle bell ^^ only 2kg

then we went dunelm for fresh cushion inners for the cushions for the sofa as they are no longer any shape never mind square....

we came home and found Ozwald  in his hutch and brought him in for fuss

i rang mum and she let me know how it all went

he was good boy apart from growling at the vets ^^; he usually licks them! and the vet said due to his age hes prone to crooked back teeth so I need to watch him. She said he showing signs that his teeth could do it but thats just his age nothing I have done

he came outside with me to clean him out and then I had lunch, laid on my bed with my eyes closed next to jack whilst he read for 40mins then I got up. We went for a walk. I had a massive go at jack and we were only 2mins from the house!!!! I had a go at him for saying all these things he says he will do but never does but for games hes like there. I felt awful afterwards, well i felt better but then I felt awful XD think jack was quite taken back by it all. There was no need for it all. I apologised. but didnt feel any better about it all.

he said I had been grumpy all day. I did not realise

maybe it was my morning that had set me off >< 

the walk did me good

I painted a birthday card for mum and painted an earring for jack (an experiment) 

did dinner, had a bath and yeah that was my day really

I am hoping Oz is ok tomorrow after his jab

tomorrow is food shop and cooking 

Ozwald's 5th Birthday!!!

 Evening

So my Jack got into the city centre around 9pm He then said he missed the bus back home by 30seconds and the next bus wasnt until 9:30pm! My poor Jack was out in -2c in the city. I offered to pick him up. I was already in bed by this point but I didnt tell him that. He said it was fine

so I got out of bed and ran a hot bath, not knowing how much hot water would be left, I was also boiling kettles to add to the bath. I climbed back into bed. He got home around 10pm. Went for a warm bath which he was very grateful of and I had put his pyjamas on the radiator too.

He climbed into bed, cuddled me for a minute then fell asleep!!! How unfair T^T but it shows he warm and relaxed. I fell asleep after 11pm.

I got up for school, asked Jack about his evening. He had enjoyed himself and was grateful for everything I did. He said he went to bed warm and content.

we got Ozwald in, jack wished him a happy birthday as my Ozwald turned 5!! hes like 55 in human years so  hes like same age as mum XD hes done so so well. We fussed him a lot, gave him extra carrot! he was a happy bun

school was ok, had a practical which went fine. Prepped another one for monday. Did other jobs and lost all energy. I usually feel better for lunch but today I felt awful. I thought I was coming down with something thats how I felt but I didnt say anything to Jack I just kept to myself.

After school I brought Oz in and mum arrived, she fussed him. We gave him extra carrot >.> and his tube which he loved and mum had baked a cake in his honour and it was really nice, she brought some over for us ^^ so we had that with a cup of tea. Mum left and I did dinner I didnt really want it. I was happy with the tea and cake. Felt very much like eating for the sake of eating you know?

After dinner Jack sod off for his gaming night, I had half hour on the bed as I had nothing to give. I got up and spent 40mins on the lounge floor just fussing Oz. He was so happy and showing me his new tube over and over again ^^; I got LOADS of licks from him. I got quite cold on the floor for that long but he was happy and it was his birthday. I put him home with a treat.

I then cleaned the bathroom, went on just dance for 25mins and had a bath. I came out the bath at 9:50pm which is when Jack came from gaming.

Ive come to do my diary even if it is like 10;15pm. I wanted to write that it was Ozwald's birthday ^^

My Oz tho, I love him so much. hes just a massive massive part of my life. I keep going for him so he can have best life possible. I love his personality and how much he loves Jack. Hes so friendly and loving. He never has moody days hes dead chill. I love him. I dont know what Id do with out him. When days are bad, I hold him and inhale his smell and its the most comforting thing ever. I hope he can celebrate many more birthdays <3 <3

tomorrow

a lot on in the morning!

mum is coming over around 8:45am as shes going to see me then shes taking my Ozwald for his yearly vaccinations. I so want to go but I will be leaving at the same time to go to my own appointment at the opticians. For an eye test as its been some years and work is paying for an eye test. Mum will bring Oz home for me when shes taken him. Sadly due to covid owners cant even go into the vet room with their pets! so I dont feel too bad as I cant hold his paw anyway. I will just be worried about him. I hope he feels ok after his jab as they can get upset tummies sometimes.

we will come home and I bet it will be around lunch time then

I have Oz to clean out but apart from that I MIGHT see some free time....