Yet another uncurable illness diagnosed to me

 Evening

or morning? its 1am anyway

I dont sleep properly since the procedure. That camera ruined my life

anyway this week~

I can no believe that the first week of my easter holidays has passed me by!!! T^T

anyway, monday I saw Mia, we went for a good hours dog walk. It was nice to catch up with her. I was quite tired afterwards and  my aches were still bad from doing that stupid run on friday. I came home, had a quick brew then went to mum's and had lunch with her. Giving jack some time to himself.

Tuesday, jack still continued to do the odd hour each day weeding the garden. I can't remember what I did 

Wednesday we went to a couple of garden centres with mum to pick some plants for the garden, it was a bit rainy that day tho and everything was outside so we got a a bit cold and damp

thursday I got my diagnosis from the gastro doctor. God I was on the phone for 2 mins. It was awful Couldnt care less for what I was trying to tell him, how my life has been ruined by that camera. He just said that all the samples that were sent off came back fine - so no stomach cancer for me, I have a VERY sensitive stomach - I could have told him that. He gave me the diagnosis I did not want....IBS. To me IBS is when a doctor gets negative results and can't be bothered to do anymore investigations. Done sorted, you're fine, its just irritable bowel syndrome, get on with life. I did not want this diagnosis as it is not curable, you can have it for life, and I feel fobbed off. Dont get me wrong I am sure there are people who genuinely suffer with this, I just feel I have something more up with me than this.

He told me to go on the FODMAP diet. Which to be honest is very very similar to what i am on now - the paleo diet. He didnt want to prescribe any medication to me as i am already on such a cocktail of drugs which he said isnt helping my stomach any. So that was that. I feel like I had that life ruining procedure for nothing.

friday, I did some FODMAP research to see what I can and cant eat. Like I said its  very similar to what I am doing now. The only things I am gonna have to cut out is onion, sausage, mushroom and garlic. The rest I can ether eat or I dont actually want to eat. So my diet wont change much apart from those 4 foods really. So thats not too bad. I am also permitted to eat some foods that I couldnt before such as rice.

mum had been over to help Jack with the gardening. It looks so much better already!!! she brought the girls over which was nice, I was working on the things I have been sewing for mum all week. She wanted a little baby blanket for the girls to sit on, and also 2 guinea pigs -  one each. So she now has the best guinea pig bags I have ever made! Theyre cute, sturdy and well padded. Mum was very pleased with them

saturday, we did our food shop, I came home and went to bed I was exhausted as I still dont sleep. Even tho its the holidays I still dont sleep. Stomach likes to keep me up.

I had lunch and stuff with jack and cleaned loaf out, did some more on the picture I am working on and then we went to Jack's family's house. His nan was there which was nice. we had home made scones, a mini egg cookie and they gave us easter gifts which was nice  of them.

we came home at 4pm and had an early bath. I pitched the idea to Jack to scrap dinner, have the remaining 4 scones his mum gave to us, a hot cross bun we bought in the morning and anything else we want. He agreed. So we had a sweet dinner! it was well good! we dont usually scrap dinner and eat bad, so when we do it, it feels more forbidden! I then did 40mins of yoga

tomorrow, or today whatever,  I have my cooking to do in the morning, I have the bathroom to clean that I didnt do saturday and at some point we having home made cake at mums. I might take Oz over as our easter bunbun.

mum hasnt bought us anything for easter, she asked if we wanted anything and I said no. I have Oz, he is the best easter gift of all. My own easter bunbun. so she said she would just make a cake to celebrate

i will be starting the FODMAP diet this week, however there will be occasions that I will be breaking my diet as it is the holidays and I have plans and treats to have and do which I deserve. when I go back to school on 17th I imagine I will be fully on the diet. so its a nice break into it, not that its much different

i have been working on my dragon picture, its looking ok

I have got my kanji books now so I can hopefully get going with all that now!

Jack has been enjoying animal crossing still, and today I had to order him amebo cards as he wants to complete his bun island. He wants a  remaining 3 bunnies to join the island. 

I shall enjoy my last week off~ more plans this week

monday - clean the house as its bank holiday so everywhere will be busy and also weather suppose to be awful

tuesday - suppose to be meeting up with lizi

wednesday - blood test TT^TT

thursday - free of plans so depending on how I feel, I may pop out somewhere with Jack

Friday - massage and jack has a night out with the lads

could I be anymore stupider!?

 I totally forgot to do this yesterday!

I remembered at some point but then it left my head

Well I can confirm I am on easter holidays now!!! woohoo!!!

So last week

My Jack was still poorly. Sunday he was doing well but then come later afternoon he went downhill again so we came to the conclusion that he couldnt go to work on monday. So I was going into work early again

He returned Tuesday and I worked from home, I wasnt going to but Id had a bad night and was massively exhausted from picking up jack's slack. 

Wednesday we were reunited at work again~ But god Jack was drained. He was still recovering and looked like death bless him. The whole week was a slog for him. Thursday night I couldnt sleep so I did 2 hours of work in the night so I could go home early Friday. Friday I aimed to get a load of stuff done before I went home, but I didnt happen as people kept coming to chat to me T^T I was trying to get crap done before easter damn it ><

but god were we all massively burnt out at the end of term

friday night I did something  VERY stupid, so very very stupid.

Jack was gaming with his friends, and Lizi told me the other day she had gone for a jog. I honestly felt quite envious of this act. So whilst Jack was gaming I had the thought "can I still run?" when I was 24/25 I got good and running but gave it up due to my joints saying NO MORE. but god did I love running. It wasnt fair. another thing my illnesses rob from me.

so I snuck out, didnt tell anyone, no phone, no inhaler

could I be anymore stupid!?

I was gone 20mins and it was hard work but it was nice

however

HOWEVER

I started to not be able to breathe....I am asthmatic 

why on earth did I think going for a walk in the damn cold evening by myself without a phone or inhaler was a good idea!!!!???

I kept running, finding my breathing sounded god awful. Like proper gasping for breath and not in a fitness way. More in a "my airways are closing up" way. I kept going thinking "ill be fine ill be fine" but then I found myself going light headed and dizzy (turns out this was due to lack of oxygen to my brain, who'da thought) so I did walk for 30 seconds then continue on.

I got home in one piece, Jack unaware of what stupidness Id been up to

the bath I had run before I left was waiting for me along side a cold drink

it took AGES for my breathing to sound like a normal human being again. Like I had caught my breath but my breathing was awful.

in the morning I felt like road kill. Jesus christ did i HURT and its monday and I still HURT!!!!

I knew that Jack would pick up on me being in more pain than usual and extra stiffness when walking so I decided to confess thy sins~

he was not happy. no not happy indeed ><" Jack doesnt get angry. He just silently seethes. and he was very quiet ^^"

He told me it was a very stupid thing to do, I could have died (over reaction me thinks), to never do it again, if I did it again he would be very angry with me, why dont I take asthma seriously, next time he games hes gonna lock me in the house XD 

saturday and sunday we decided to just rest. We of course did our chores but on the whole we did just take it easy.

I told mum that I ran and she couldnt believe that I did what I did

yeah I do a lot of stupid things >.>

Today is monday and this morning I went to meet mia for a dog walk for an hour

I came home and threw my sweaty body in the shower, put the dinner in slow cooker, had a quick brew then went to mum's to have my lunch

so Jack had rest bite from me for a bit today. He was doing chores and some gardening with Oz

then the rest of the day I coloured in and took breaks. I hadnt got to cook or exercise as Id done it all! so that was nice

tomorrow

Jack has his first physio appointment so I said Id go with him as he doesnt know where hes going. then we're going pudding pantry, then were going to pick up some stuff at shops like cosmetics and home cleaning stuff, nothing amazing

I dont have any other plans this week

I have plenty to do tho! 

My poorly Jack

 Evening

ahhhhh what a week!

My week started as any normal week

Tuesday morning at school, Jack was running to the toilet and looked pale. He had off stomach and a banging headache. He asked head of science if he could go home.

Well that wasnt his words

his words were

"I have become very familiar with the school toilets this morning, I wish to not become further familiar"

So at lunch time when I go home, I bought him home with me.

Hes still poorly. literally getting through a toilet roll a day here! 

Wednesday and Thursday I was at school for 7:20, the time I usually leave the house! But I know how bad I am at physics and I wanted to make sure all the physics teachers have what they needed before the day started. It meant I could leave at 11:20am and go home to check on Jack. Oz has loved it cus he gets to be house bun >.> 

I hadnt seen my mum as I didnt want her to catch what Jack had so on Thursday afternoon I went for a walk with her which was nice. Very tiring even tho it was a short walk. 

Friday came round and I was all set to go to school even tho it was the day originally I was gonna work from home. I woke up and felt like death, Id had a rough night of toileting and it hurt to walk. Jack said I looked like death. Julia txted to say her and Darren would have everything all in hand.

So that morning I went back to bed and woke up an hour or so later and actually went to the shops with mum, she helped me with my weekly food shop. I have never done my weekly food shop without Jack! I knew i wouldnt be able to do it alone. So she helped with that. I picked Jack up treats from there and treats from other places and ultra soft toilet paper from somewhere else.

I came home and had lunch with Jack, then after that I did my 4 hours of work in the afternoon. It was nice I could get everything done in the morning instead of worrying about it. It meant I could crack on with my work.

On saturday I went over to see mum as a surprise, she was happy. She asked me to cut the girls claws to I did that :) she gave me a project to do over the easter holidays for the girls. Dad came home, he didnt look at me or talk to me.

This weekend we were suppose to see Jack's mum  for belated mother's day but hes still unwell. Today he was doing better but then this afternoon he didnt feel good again. He does look better today as hes been looking white with dark circles  under his eyes. Hes been sleeping during the day too which isnt like him ether. 

I said to him its clear hes not going to school tomorrow. He is getting better its just slow. I think he just needs that 1 last day at home. so yeah I am going to school tomorrow by myself T^T Julia and Darren will be there. i will be going in early again.

Also I have to sort out something that happened on friday. My brother was leaving the school and a group of students from the school started saying horrible things and swearing. My brother got in his car and drove off. So i need to go take him to the appropriate staff members to report what happened. 

I hope this week will be a better week. Last week before easter holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hope my jack gets better soon. I dont like seeing him poorly. Thats why I bought him lots of treats both edible and non edible ^^ to cheer him up~ 

I have a bob!

 Just realising I missed doing this week >< woops!

well nothing has changed here. I am still suffering. I have only slept once through the night in over a month. I am going to the toilet every day like a thousand times a day. But I've gained weight from the procedure! I feel like crap. I am sick to death of life recently.

this week my Jack bought me a doughnut which was nice and obviously upset my tummy but my tummy hurts just from existing. So I ate it.

Oz lost weight he weighed in at 2790g so hes entered the 2.7kg section. Hes losing about 30g a week which I feel is a healthy amount for him to lose as I do not want to starve the poor little bun. He is looking much more trim! Last week we had snow!! he played in the snow with me :) I got cute photos of him.

Today is mothers day so yesterday i went to see my mummy and gave her a bag full of accessories she was very happy as shes really into hair accessories. I sat with her and the pigs. 

also yesterday I did something I have been thinking about doing for quite a while

I got my hair cut off! its now the same length as my ears as a little cute bob and I am in love with it. As my hairdresser was doing it I knew I was doing the right thing, its fantastic i love it. My family liked it and so does Jack. Told no one I was doing it! so weird brushing it and washing it now tho! theres nothing there!!

I had a lovely massage on friday too, I just about got through it but as soon as I got home I ran to the toilet.

next week nothing special really, just getting ever closer to those sweet easter holidays!!! and ever closer to me giving a piece of my mind to the doctor that ruined my tummy!!!

My stomach rules my life

 Evening

ah what a week -_____- I almost dont feel like writing about it you know

its just been so crap and its all stomach related honestly

I left home early one day cus of needing the toilet

I have been round the prep room like a slug

i have not digested food properly

kept up til early hours of the morning due to going to the toilet a lot

and whats more is I have missed yet MORE events this week just simply cus I can not go cus of my stomach.

Tuesday Jack had the work social, it was at pizza express he enjoyed himself but was gone hours! I was glad he had a nice time. On tuesday it was also my brothers 28th birthday! So I bought him cakes that morning from a store on the way to school. I took them too him and he was very grateful. After school we went over only for like an hour for him to open his gifts and have some cake. I would have stayed longer but Jack needed to get off to the work due. He liked his presents tho ^^

wednesday was another teacher strike day, not complaining as it makes school so much more quieter!

Thursday was the day I finished my shift off at home due to stomach pains and not knowing if I needed to go destroy a toilet

friday I worked from home and I was very glad of this...cus we were going out and Jack would be hungover next morning we did our food shop. It was also Brandon's birthday so originally I had in mind that I would save my energy, work from home and go over with Jack's friends to Brandon's house but no. Just no. I was gutted. Got all my outfit ready, ate dinner then BAM stomach pain. crippling stomach pain. I was just about able to drive Jack to brandon's and only just got back to the toilet in time (I tell you its ruining and ruling my life!) 

Jack was a bit hungover saturday bless him. I made him a sausage, egg and bacon baguette - made with love ^^ Oz had lost 40 more grams bless him. Hes doing so well. Its slow but I am glad cus I would never want to starve him! I bought him some dried grass this week for him to snack on.

It was Theo's birthday event on saturday he wanted a take away night at harvey's so I was gonna go to that - i would take my own food so not to upset my tummy. But no I didnt get to go to that either cus of tummy stuff T^T jack wasnt drinking so he drove himself there luckily.

today, we did a whole hour's walk this morning. It was quite bitter out there almost minus degrees today. but I enjoyed my walk with my jack. We talked about holidays and such as I would like to do a little couple day break in the UK with him. But everything I wanted to do was pretty much shot down as I am anything but realistic with my health which is why i run stuff by him first as hes more realistic but he hates putting a dampener on stuff. We think we might just do Manchester. something a bit further but familiar as I wanted to do london but jack said "you need to build up to our most densely populated city Jo, you get anxious and overwhelmed doing the weekly shop sometimes"....he's right damn it.

I havent done much else to be honest

all weekend I have lazed around my body and mind are just so exhausted for some reason. I have had more to do this week just so it means Jack can go out and not have do so many chores, he never asks me to do these things but i like to help him out. I am also not digesting stuff and forever going to the toilet so I suppose it all adds up. It has been such a dull weekend and I proper beat myself for not doing much. I need to stop doing that, everyone needs rest.

i did google the whole procedure thing and it says 34% of people can be sore and have stomach upset 2 weeks after it and 5% people 3 weeks after. it has been 17 days since I was probed by that camera.

Hopefully I am almost over the worst of all this T^T

I hope for a better week!!!!!

this week coming

we havent got anything out the ordinary happening, not like this week of social events. But on Saturday night me, jack, my brother and mia are going to a pub within walking distance in the evening for drinks. Mia wanted to do it so yeah that will be different! I just hope I can attend. Not sure what I will drink tho.

i finished a picture I was working on but have zero ideas what to draw next with this mush brain of mine right now. Twice i have tried to make mum a mothers day card and it just doesnt happen. zero creativity right now TT^TT 

Seeing my brother at work

 Evening

Its been a week~~~

I worked from home on friday due to me spending thursday night on the toilet which followed through to the friday morning. I felt awful when I woke up but went to school. Set up a practical then by 9:30am I was leaving school to work from home. I got a fair bit of work done but not til the afternoon. I came home and slept for 2 hours. 

Saturday I did so much

I did food shop, went to mums to trim the girls and bath the girls, cleaned Oz out, cleaned bathroom, trimmed Oz's claws, made a cake, marinated some meat, cut up some meat, went out in the evening to a shop with Jack.

Today I have done an hour of yoga, wrapped my brother's presents, cooked a load of meat, made soup, made a cake again. and finally done some more of my art work, watered my plant babies. 

of course I keep going outside with Oz and spent time with Oz indoors as well. My life revolves around that beautiful loaf. I weighed him again and hes lost 60g so hes now 2870g hes in the 2.8kg section! hes doing so well I am so proud of him. I did think he'd lost weight he looked thinner. I can spot that cus I spend so much time with him. 

my brother did his first whole week at work, hes doing so well. Its VERY weird seeing him at school. Monday was the first time I had personally seen him at work. And I had to do a double take XD it was so strange seeing him in MY workplace. But he doing so well and I hope hes enjoying it. Seems like he is and its working for us as he's kindly bringing Jack home ^^

next week

just another week really

tuesday is my brother's 28th birthday. I will go over with Jack after school to mum's so he can open his presents :) I think he's going out for food with his girlfriend that day. I hope he likes his gifts, I always try hard for him. But Tuesday also is the day science department is going out for a meal - pizza express. I for one do not want to attend but Jack does and thats perfectly fine. so I will be dining alone with Oz that night

friday, I think I am working from home that day as we have been invited to go over to Matt and Brandon's for Brandon's 30th birthday. Id like to go, so if I dont attend school I should hopefully have energy for that. I didnt go to the party last year, this year I need to make the effort to socialise. Especially as I didnt meet up with them all the other weekend. They MIGHT be going into the city centre for drinks - I will go home by this point. Saturday, its a meal out for Theo's 30th XD they share VERY close birthdays. That night may also end up with drinks in the city. I am not sure if I will attend any of this yet as we dont know where he wants to eat out. If its like Indian or Chinese, Im out, no way I can eat that food. My stomach will die for a whole week....

and thats it really nothing amazing this week really. Just returning to work felt hard XD

The worst experience, Endoscopy Colonoscopy

 Evening

what a week!!!

its been half term~~~

so monday I went for a dog walk with Mia, which was nice it was good to see her for the first time this year. We were gone a good hour and my legs hurt. We went back to her house and she showed me her amazing new bathroom she gave me my birthday presents too. A retro pencil case, a bath bomb from lush and a watering can made of pot that has cute gloves inside - perfect for watering my indoor plants.

I got home and put my dinner in the slow cooker, had lunch then Ed showed up! it was all pretty full on but it was good, he stayed for some hours. We just caught up really, he bought with him this patchwork game. He first played me and I won then he played Jack and Jack won XD lovely to finally see him. Its been such a long time but it wasnt awkward we kinda just pick up from where we left off. I have known him over 10 years and I can not believe that!

tuesday, haaaa tuesday....-_____-

tuesday was  HARD

I had to start to starve myself. So by 9am I had to eat my breakfast which was just chicken breast - my breakfast was limited choice from what I was allowed to eat. Then the rest of the day just water. Yup just water. I felt full of air and liquid. I was 'suppose' to drink 2 glasses of water every hour but I would have thrown up, theres no way I can fit that much liquid in and without food to soak it up so I just did my best. Despite Jack nagging me to drink more...The day was so hard. I felt so uncomfortable. At 4pm I had to begin the medicine drink.....sweet jesus. I tasted like cheap lemon sweets and smelled like it too - proper lemon chemical. Which you may think is fine and you could drink it. I had to drink a litre of it which is A LOT then a litre of water all before 6pm baring in mind I had been just drinking all day. then start the next litre of medicine and litre of water at 6pm. 

This was all to make me empty the content of my bowels. However to say I started it at 4pm, by 8pm I was concerned that nothing was happening. I thought I would be ringing the hospital up to saying "sorry you cant do it as I havent pooped yet!" 

Jack nagged me that I hadnt finished all the medicine....I could have murdered him. I shouted at him saying "dont you think I would have if I could have!? I can not physically fit anymore fluid in me! leave me alone I have done my best. besides doctors have no idea how big of a woman i am the UK average is a size 14 I am a size 10 so it might be impossible to fit all that in me!" as I had fallen short of about 500ml of medicine

we went to bed and at 10pm thats when the explosions started.....oh my god for the next 4 HOURS I destroyed that toilet. It was horrible. Just horrible. I felt awful. I felt weak from not eating and emptying myself out. my stomach felt like 9 months pregnant of air and water, I didnt know how I was suppose to sleep when i felt this rotten. 

I woke up at 7am needing to run to the toilet yet again... my toilet was just a smouldering pit after id finished with it...

so this led us to wednesday

the day of my procedure

I was nervous as hell. I still wasnt allowed to eat and the last drink of water I was allowed was at 8:30pm 

Jack drove us to the hospital and we were 15mins early but even so I was called straight through like they had all been waiting for me, so it gave my anxiety less time to build. I was asked my name and date of birth 100 times. My blood pressure was taken sooooo many times. I was so nervous. The doctor who would be performing it all came to see me and put a needle thing in my arm. I usually lay down for needles but he didnt let me he just held my hand and did it all with the other hand, he was a pro I give you that. I was visibly shaking at this point and my eyes watered and i whimpered i probably looked like such a wimp. Jack watching on and encouraging me. then I had to get changed into a gown and these disposable shorts. I then went into the minor procedures room.

in there were 5 staff total. And the staff made it. Honestly they were amazing. so for the first procedure the endoscopy I had opted to be knocked out - to be honest I thought I was being knocked out for the whole thing but anyway. They sprayed the inside of my mouth with this god awful spray and it numbed the whole of my mouth and as it went down my throat it numbed my throat, wind pipe etc it was a very odd feeling. I had to put a mouth piece in my mouth to protect my teeth and keep my mouth open. Then they knocked me out and the next thing I know I was being woken up and asked to role onto my other side. they were starting the colonoscopy....

but i am awake!? I said "dont I get more stuff to get knocked out?" and he said "no no you cant have anymore" so thats it? I have to endure this awake!?

so then I was having 1 whole metre of camera rod shoved up my arse hole. it was very uncomfortable and whats more I was watching it all on a big tv. It was a very surreal experience and I think I bled my adrenal glands that day. I was just watching my insides and whats more I was watching jet my insides with water and air but also cut my insides up! I felt no fear or worry and I feel this was down to the previous drugs in my system.

He removed a few lumps from my intestines that given time could become cancerous he also noted my stomach is inflamed he also took 7 biopsies from my large intestines. Just go ahead and cut it all up doc it dont work anyway!

when he was finished and said farewell to my arsehole on screen, my blood pressure was taken another 100 times until in the end I asked the nurse "is it low or something?" she said "yeah its just always low its not coming up" I said "thats just me, mine is always very low" then with that Iwas wheeled through to the recovering room, that was the best bit the wheeling through! 

in the recovery room my blood pressure what checked more and yup still low guys. I asked or more like begged to go to the toilet. my back end was wet....now cus I couldnt see I wasnt sure if it was wet from water from the doctor or poo. During the procedure they said I might feel the need to fart and to please do so, but given the state of my stools lately I couldnt risk farting as I didnt trust said fart. So I needed to check if my arse end was clean. So I had a doctor on each arm take me to the toilet. It revealed to just be the water from it all, thank god. I went back to my bed and then I was allowed to get changed.

then I was taken to a room where jack was allowed in and I got a cup of tea and biscuits. I had been told not to eat a load of food at once, the drugs can take a day to wear off, and I might poo blood. Then I was on my merry way.

Jack bought me home, but on the way home I ate the snacks I had bought with me~ this gave me horrendous pain in my stomach. I told Jack I shouldnt have done that cus they said NOT to do that. he was annoyed and wish I had told him sooner so he could stop me XD but I was starving I had gone like 30 hours without food for gods sake!

I got home and I had lunch I couldnt finish and I was in a ball of pain with hot bag, I think my stomach was just massively sore.

I did nothing the rest of the day apart from my mum and brother coming to see me and wanting to hear about it all. I couldnt finish my dinner ether. Since then in fact I am struggling with food its like they fitted a gastric band or something. No way can your stomach shrink that fast right!?

I was also STILL having to dash to the toilet. At one point just bloody tissue came out. I was THAT empty that my body was literally crapping out organs and tissue....

thursday~

our 4th anniversary! so we went into the city centre, I havent been in such a long time. I gave Jack before we went his gift which was a matching tshirt set with me! its pokemon and I wanted to twin with him and be a cringy couple XD we looked round a lot of shops and he offered to buy me stuff but I felt like it was just buying for the sake of buying. we had a hot chocolate which was amazing, I was so grateful of my stomach feeling more my own. I hadnt had to go to the toilet once! I got a few crafty things and Jack got warhammer things he wanted so he took me round his nerd shops. We went to the dessert place to find it shut but honestly I was struggling to walk by this point, id had enough. I enjoyed myself and I still had places I wanted to go but yeah I couldnt do it. And at this point we saw the bus home pulling up so I said to jack "can I just go home please" he was disappointed in himself for not checking ahead of time what dessert places were open so he could have taken me and that the whole thing didnt go to plan and that he didnt buy me anything. I was just happy I had left the house! not been to the city for 2 years! 

I then went after lunch for a himalyan massage. It was bloody fantastic and I almost fell asleep!!! it was soooo nice. She said to keep the salts on my skin over night as they have 83 minerals in for my skin to absorb.

I came home and just laid down. Completely done. 

friday -- today

I was planning on cleaning my house. However my body did not want to clean or do anything other than ache. I felt like I had fallen down a cliff. I am in horrendous pain. Its from walking round and from massage. Worth it all tho. So I have done very little today much to my frustration. Its all pressure I am putting on myself tho. So to feel productive I made my brother a birthday card and mum came over to dye my hair~ jack is gaming tonight and I am just hear doing a massive diary entry.

tomorrow

food shop in morning and the usual chores that I am hoping to be up for me, and maybe some of the cleaning I wanted to do today. I also am hopefully going with Jack to see his friends at harveys for pre-drinks or in my case no-drinks haha i want to see everyone and show my face as I havent been meeting up with them I usually just drop jack off. But I want to go, I wont be going into the city centre for drinks tho like Jack probably will with them all. I do wonder if he will be tempted to go home with me XD

sunday just chores and maybe clean the car, I dont wanna burn myself out before school like I said its just pressure I am putting on myself

I have ordered some japanese learning books online hopefully they will be good

Oz gets weighed tomorrow I dont think he has lost anything. His new tubes came this week and bloody loves them! its getting him moving more anyway

next week go back to school and I get to see Lizi again now shes back from her other school placement and also see my brother for the first time in the school environment!

in 6 weeks time I get my results back from the procedure. I am not worried. I just havent gone through all this to be diagnosed with IBS....

31~

 It's half term!! woo thank bloody god 

what a week!!! 

Monday night Jack's parents wanted to come over so they were over til 9pm. I was shattered! Nice to see them for the first time this year but not on a school night >< I had the day working from home which did help a bit

we were also told my brother can in fact start school on thursday! instead of the 20th february.

Tuesday, my birthday! I turned 31! officially my early 30s~ I got a card written by the science department, a gift from Lizi and a teacher. The school day was just another school day. I had lunch with mum and opened her gifts she got me lovely gifts like plant babies, 3kg weights, bunny ornaments, funky socks, chocolate teas. When Jack came home I opened his gifts which were some earrings I asked for from Ana Luisa - they have mushrooms dangling that glow in the dark! he got me some cute bunny stationary.

something else that happened on my birthday...I got a new car ^^; completely not expecting it. My dad rang my mum just as I was open my presents. He'd bought a honda jazz (my favourite car ever) from his friend and its 2014 so not 14 odd years old and yeah says I could have it. But I do not have the money for an 8 grand odd car. So he took my car and gave me the Honda.....my brother is getting money to make it fair between us.

it took days to sink in that I had an actual nice car to be proud of. but at first the whole thing wasnt sitting well with me.

1 I already owe my parents money for funding my house

2 my car works I technically dont NEED another car

3 I did not want to take MORE money from my parents

4 I wouldnt just be costing them money for the car but the additional money they would be handing to my brother

after expressing this to both Jack and mum separately, they both came out with the same argument! that basically

1 the car we have now is over 10 years old and not sure how long its gonna keep going for it looks and feels battered

2 your dad wants you to have the car otherwise he wouldnt have bought it 

3 eventually I would inherit my parents money so why not have something now they can see me enjoy

and yes this was all true i just felt a bit guilty about it all. so yeah I turned 31 and got a 'new' car! its proudly sat on the drive now. 

people asked me "what you doing for your birthday?" well nothing as I have half term next week so might as well do stuff then when I have time and energy so I probably looked dead boring haha we didnt even go out for food as that stresses me out. So I got off leftover food from christmas dinner and we had that and it was bloody fantastic!

wednesday  

same old day really at work, I had an awful phone call from a doctor stating I have got to have a camera down my throat, up my arse, biopsies taken of my intestines. yeah....I almost cried just on the phone. I am scared stiff. They said I could be knocked out for it all which yes 100%  I will be doing. I dont know HOW they knock you out tho but mum is coming with me thank god. I feel like I will be in tears that day. I am so scared. Nothing goes up my arse and the thought of something going down my throat makes me panic and want to be sick. I am scared.  safe to say, I did not sleep well that night. 

thursday, I was so burned out that I worked from home I did an all nighter! I was so stressed out with everything. That my pain was horrific in the night and no amount of painkillers was touching it so by 1:30am I made the decision to get an do my work through the night. I sat working on drama front cover.

I woke Jack up at 6am, told him I hadnt actually been to bed but did my 4 hours of work. I went to bed and work up a 11am. I was drained all day. 

friday I worked from home then mum took me out to choose some earrings from jewellers. I found my pair straight away no other pair compared and weirdly they were like one of the cheapest at £30 but I thought they were the best! we then went for lemon cake and tea at a cafe next to the jewellers. Nice time together ^^ Jack didnt have gaming and typically finished school at 2pm so he would have been early for gaming instead of the last to arrive!

so a busy week

and even tho my brother started school on thursday I havent been to school to see him there! but jack looked after him at times like at lunch time etc. They even travelled together on his first day :) But he seems to be doing well. Hasnt hated it or got upset. He says its a lot to take in but its interesting being on the other side of the classroom.

Oz had his bunny weigh in yesterday. He hasnt lost anymore weight. Its fine. I think I know why. He just isnt doing a lot with his little self. He only wants to play out if I am out with him. And after a while I am freezing! its winter! so I have ordered 3 5-way tubes  for him to play in and hopefully feel more confident with having things to hide in and will actually play out with out me holding his hand/paw....

next week~

its half term and before i knew it, my days got filled up!

so monday I am seeing Mia in the morning for a dog walk, then after lunch I am seeing Ed. I was suppose to see him last weekend I think but I was too tired and burned out and couldnt face it

tuesday is so far free....but dont want to jinx it

wednesday got the hospital

thursday our anniversary! so were going for bad food into the city centre then I have a massage

friday recovery day

saturday seeing jack's friends for drinks

ahhhhh its a lot >< 

i do need to socialise and actually leave the house tho

31 on Tuesday

 Evening

It's my birthday on tueday! entering my early 30s~

This week, I dont feel an awful lot happened. I worked from home once and got my work finished for the biology teacher that was a nice achievement 

work its self wasnt too bad really

my brother got his start date for work, 20th february which is when we go back after half term I am so excited to have him at school!

On friday Ed texted me to ask if he could see me saturday

saturday Jack was leaving around 1pm and coming back at literally midnight. He was going to birmingham for a family party. I was invited but it would have killed me off. He did not really want to go ether ^^;

saturday came round and from the moment I woke up I felt anxious and shaky. I didnt feel happy about the day at all

we came in from food shop and I cuddled up with Hammington. Jack found me after putting the shopping away he asked me if I was ok and stuff and yeah thats when I had a mini meltdown. Got upset and everything. Just couldnt cope with anything that day. Seeing Ed, having Jack leave, having him come back late. Just all of it wasnt sitting well with me. Think it was because it was all last minute and change of routine. Not to mention that the whole week I had felt a bit burned out and didnt sleep very well friday night -_____- 

so after i confessed all that he said he didnt have to go and all that. I said I would be fine and he should go. He then txted his mum saying i was sick and didnt want to leave me. I txted Ed and we had a rest day. I got my chores done in the morning and sat drawing in the afternoon whilst jack did warhammer. I felt awful cancelled Ed,  again. but i couldnt cope and wasnt in the best mindset. Socialising lately has become a very daunting task for me. I am so tired all the freaking time. Its not so bad when you know you will be with them like an hour or so but when theyre there all day its too much. I am too tired.

Oh and we weighed Oz, he was 2.9kg! our scales arent very accurate but I love him for maintaining anyway. He could have lost more but like I said theyre not that accurate. Im sure he will be 2.8kg next week cus I can see bunny shape on him!

I have been doing a pointless drawing in my sketchbook. Yup a drawing just cus I want to, no purpose, doesnt matter if its crap and yeah its good. I am starting to chill out with my art again. I think whats massively helped is quitting instagram, social media cus I am not looking at art and comparing myself to others. Thinking I am crap so whats the point in doing my art. Yeah best decision. Quit social media.

my brother came over yesterday with his Ebike. I have never even seen one. So he wanted me to have a go and that was an amazing experience! I can see how he got up to 44mph now. Hes so happy with it like a kid with a new toy but its good for him. 

today just done chores, bit of drawing and mostly resting. I am so tired. we went for a walk down the river together at 9:15am this morning. It was only 2c but I felt I needed it as part of the TLC weekend. 

this week

well tomorrow Jack's mum and step dad are coming over in the evening to drop my birthday card over and as we havent seen them since christmas they will no doubt stay for a bit....

tuesday jo's birthday

wednesday I am thinking of working from home and maybe going out for cake with mummy. maybe. also have a hospital phone call about my tummy

thursday normal

friday we have inset day and then school finishes!!

in the 2kg section!!

 Evening

Jesus, what a week

Only one day out of the weekdays did I get to rest after work.....

there was just a lot on this week

I went out one day for mum's birthday for tea and cake! yes I had a break from my diet! and it was nice dont get me wrong but yeah I dont feel like im missing 'normal' foods that much anymore. But I had a nice time just doing that with mummy

then another day it was actually mum's birthday so she came to open presents and also a window was changed

another day my brother was going for the DT technician job so I was txting him, mum, Jack. Phone calls all afternoon. Jeez it was stressful. But on the plus my brother got the job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am SO happy I am so pleased for him. his boss wasnt expecting him to get a job so fast! it was brilliant and they let him leave on friday.

Another day I did Julia's daughter's hair (sarah) for picture day at school bless her and did a tiny bit of make up too! shes never had any hair or make up done bless her, she looked so mature! I hope shes happy with that photo but I havent seen her since to ask about it

I ended up having 2 working from home days this week just because work and home life has been full on that I was left a bit burnt out come friday morning. 

I also did mum's hair another day as she was going out for a meal with friends for her other friend's birthday treat. Yeah this week was A LOT!

Im hoping for a much quieter week this week!!!

Today has been A LOT

whats wrong with me this week!? cut me some slack life >.>

we got up for food shop, came home and I cleaned loaf out - oh speaking of loaf! its saturday so bunny slimming world day and so we weighed him and he weighed 2.9kg!!!!! how fantastic is that! hes doing so well and Im helping him through it, its a big achievement to get off the 3kh section!

then I marinated some meat, put other meat in the slow cooker, cleaned the bathroom. Then we realised oz was in a bit a mess so we had to sort his bum out bless him. I know whats done it its that dried apple it goes through him sometimes so I have found locus beans to give him instead. Then we both cleaned the car well just washed it anyway. The roads are filthy this time of year so I dont do it as much in the winter but it was getting to the stage were it was hard to see through the smearing of the windscreen wipers! 

so I was done, fell asleep on my bed for half hour

then I was struggling to motivate myself for exercise so I asked Jack if he'd do a walk with me and so we went for a 40 mins walk, had a bath and did dinner

oh I havent lost weight this week, I didnt feel like I had so that was good. Dont wanna drop it every week otherwise thats not healthy. I dont want to ever be 45kg again. I still have plenty of meat on me but I dont know what I weigh. Jack weighs 73kg and says he weighs more than me so I suppose thats something XD

tomorrow, just got a bit of cooking to do in the morning 

then I hope for a bloody easier day!!!!

next week

we actually dont have anything on

my brother would be allowed to come start his new job at school but hes waiting for his DBS to come through so until then hes got time to himself! id rather get him into school before his anxiety cane build too high....

we have teacher strikes on wednesday something we have never experienced before so that will be odd 

so yeah hopefully an easier week next week!

and hopefully loaf will be 2.8kg!

100g down

 Evening

Ahhhh what a week!!!

Monday I was off school sick I was still suffering massively with the stomach bug. I managed to attend the rest of the week with a huge struggle honestly. I think I am just about over it. After talking to staff about it it was amazing how many of us were off poorly with it! everyone said same thing that it takes like a week to go and had green poo. Awful bug

My brother was offered an interview for the DT technician job which is happening tomorrow at 9am!

I had a massage on friday which crippled me

I weighed my Ozwald this weekend, his first weigh in at Bunny Slimming World XD he lost 100g!!!! how good is that for week one!! But I know it will slow down. So he's gone from 3.1kg to 3kg. I am looking forward to him being in the 2kg section!!! Hopefully next week!

we went to get him some fancy hay today, his 1.5kg box of fancy Norfolk leaves arrived in the week and he likes it and likes making a mess with it. I have been going out everyday but Friday with him. Help him burn those calories

to be honest I have spent A LOT of time with him this week. I know first hand how  much diets SUCK and I know when I am distracted I dont feel the hunger as much so I have spent all my free time with him. Normally when I would do house jobs or art i spent with him, fussing him, playing with him, chilling with him. I am fully supporting his little diet and helping him through it. He has so much choice of food right now too!

I also lost more weight this week. I can tell my body has lost weight from even a month ago cus of the way my tummy and thighs look. I feel better in myself I have to say for losing some weight

tomorrow~

my brother is coming to school at 9am for his intense ass interview. He gets lunch! how long and intense is this freaking interview, jesus. No wonder hes terrified. I did go see the DT teacher and talk to him and he cant wait to meet my brother. I have a meeting at 10am with someone and Jack to discuss my health which is gonna be a HUGE waste of time but hey its time I dont have to work! jack has doctors so will be leaving school a bit earlier. Yeah a lot on tomorrow!

the rest of the week is ok

wednesday going out for a cup of tea with mum for her birthday

thursday is her birthday so I get to give her gifts

and thats it I think?

ahhh I took a real cute picture of Oz this week but forgot to upload it. Never mind

Massively body shamed

 Evening

It's been another week~

Last week I did wed-fri at school as we returned on wednesday. This week I did mon-weds at school, started to not feel good on weds, mum picked me up when I finished work. Thursday I worked from home doing online training, friday I had to day of sick

I have had a stomach bug. I wont go into details as it wasnt pretty. I can tell you this tho, I have lost weight! I still dont feel 100% and some foods when I eat feel like literal food poisoning. But I am on the mend! 

Friday Oz had the vets so no matter how I was feeling I needed to take my little boy for his vaccinations. The vet was really lovely but massively body shamed my baby!!!!

she commented on his chest, his bingo wings, his pouch on his tummy. My poor Oz!! She weighed him.....he's suppose to be 2kg, hes 3KG!!!!

we talked about his diet and I get where I am going wrong now, its amazing how little things have crept and just happened and when i think about his diet, he is a very loved and spoilt bun. We are killing him with kindness. 

so he is going on a diet. I let him off today tho as I wasnt sure if he was gonna feel a bit off due to his vaccination but hes been fine

hes got to have hardly any pellets per day

up to 3 pieces of fruit a week

plenty of hay and grass

currently, he gets unlimited supply of pellets (as I dont want him to have an empty dish I never want him to be hungry I didnt want to be cruel), he gets carrot slices twice a day, piece of fruit once a day, grass and hay, 2 treats

So we are going to be weighing out his pellets, no fruit, carrot slices will be a lot smaller, his treats will be dried fruit. I ordered 1kg of this fancy ass rummage leaf stuff yesterday.

I will make more of an effort to be outside with him to motivate him into moving instead of loafing.

I need to do this in order to prolong his life. I shouldnt have let it get this bad. I feel awful. Jack is on board with it all and will support me with his diet. I want to things well so he doesnt become unhappy

I must say tho he was such a good boy at the vets and co-operated and was just so well behaved. I was very proud. the vet had no other worries apart from his weight

Jack's treat cupboard on the other hand tho, guess who's self is who's. This is from christmas

today, I didnt have to do food shop as Jack kindly did it after school on friday cus I wasnt feeling up to it. Dad took the car for an MOT and that passed all fine so that was good.

My brother came over to apply for a job at my school! he got some feedback from his job this week and thought enough is enough and wants a new job and that DT technician job is still going at school so he wanted Jack's help in applying for it :) be weird if hes at school too. I wouldnt mind of course and I just want him to be happy. I would be fine if he decided it wasnt for him and didnt stay long. But his job does suck and take the pee

tomorrow

just cooking food, I hope I feel ok, Id like to see my weekend before i go back to school. 

next week, just another week at school and got massage on friday :)

Oz's 6th Birthday!

 It's 2023~

so what. Who cares. Its just the date changing. I never celebrate it. We might as well celebrate the first of each month, how is it any different? Pointless. 

Anyway we had our first week back at work, everyone said the same thing that it was hard work, tiring and that they were hungry XD we'd all had two weeks of stuffing our faces and eating when we like right? 

I found work quite hard work. Couldnt believe Id only done 3 mornings. Felt a lot more than that!!

It was a same old week apart from we have a new head of department. He's ok I guess. 

Yesterday marked a very special day

it was my loaf's 6th birthday!! I was so thrilled. 

I have had 4 buns

only my first bun Sky made it to 6

Kip made it to 2

Tiffin only lived to 1

Now my Oz has made it as far as Sky! I hope he over takes Sky!! You can do it my Ozwald~

We bought him a new grassy hay house thing as he had devoured his, and a willow grass ball.

He hopped straight into the house no hesitation as he's used to them and I think it was a sign he'd missed his and appreciated his gift. He didnt bother to so much as sniff the willow ball but I did find it later literally dismantled -____- maybe that one should have gone in his cage. It has made a lot of mess on the carpet but I am just happy he is pleased with his gifts ^^

I hate buying pet stuff like toys and treats and they end up not liking them.

I love my Oz so much tho, he is my life. My day revolves round that loaf. I take for granted how well behaved he is, I can leave him in the lounge alone and hes fine, for hours! He so affectionate and never aggressive hes just the best. Make it to 7 loaf!

I had a hair cut on Oz's  birthday and after that I went to mum's to go give Truffs a hair cut and bath both her and tilly as they were smelly little piglets. They look like baby pigs now so cute and fresh.

Apart from that its just been a normal weekend of shopping and cooking. Today has been a write off for me as I have had zero energy. Also a banging headache i was hyper aware of every sound, didnt want to talk to anyone. I laid on my bed for 2 hours in the quiet, played on my switch too. I didnt get done what I wanted to get done today anyway! I was gonna do some colouring in and make my mums birthday card but all well

we did solve the mystery of these god damn mini black flies round our house

we've had them a month now. They wont go no matter how many we squish. I tried to cut off food sources but noticed it made to difference as they dont seem to feed on human food. Theyre always round my plants and a couple have even died. Jack research and theyre Fungus Nats, they eat fungus and plant roots, living in soil. so its them who have killed my cacti off >.> death to them.

To try kill them you need to cover the soil layer so they cant lay eggs in the soil so I have ordered 2kg of salty stone pebble things today to cover my plants. Poor plants. I have killed 15 today tho. Literal genocide. The problem is getting out of hand. I hope the stones come soon

next week.

It is a normal school week. 

friday Oz will have his annual trip to the vets for his check up and his vaccination. It was last year he had the new version of the vaccine due to a new pathogen affecting buns in the last 2 years. It costs double the normal vaccine T^T but best to be safe. But since that vaccine he now gets randy and humps me - something he never used to do. I blame the vaccine XD messed with his hormones. 

can't believe its school again tomorrow T^T