Otsukare~
I have been busy today ^^
I slept pretty well last night to say i cant breath XD
This morning I cleaned the pets out, then bathed lily and pinky
as the smelled like farm yard animals XD
so they have been in all day drying
So when they were settled I went upstairs and started crafting ^^
I made a start on dom's present
doesnt look like much to anyone i know, but to me its a plan - a layout
and i sorted it all out what colours i would be using ect
so i have all pieces of paper scattered round my room X3
Then mum reminded me that I had her new joggers to take up
shes such a short arse im sure i take up every trouser she buys these days >.>
but i dont mind doesnt take a lot of doing and she does so much for me
so I did that, then started on my hot air balloon top
which took a bit of time but i got it done pretty quick
im pleased with it and mum said it was one of my best alterations
i didnt finish it til 6pm so i'll photograph it tomorrow in better light
i went to sleep during the day too as my energy levels dropped
thats what i did yesterday afternoon too but i forgot XD
when i woke i went for a short 15min walk just for some fresh air
but i didnt have the energy to walk far
and that pretty much was my day, it feels good to get jobs done
i worked whilst watching cinderella girls anime
and eating banana cake ^^
We watched gogglebox last night - celebrity version
luckily there was hardly and celebs on ^^
but it did show you videos of real people telling you about their losses to cancer
how they lose family to cancer, its awful and im going through it twice
it made me think "what if i too had been told i had 12 months to live?"
what would i do? i mean right now i dont have anything
no money, no house, boyfriend/husband, children. i wouldnt leave much of foot print behind
so i decided the first thing i would do would be to get pregnant
random i know. but my parents have always wanted grandchildren. so it would be great
if i could give them children, also it would be like a little part of me would still live on
even if i didnt get to raise the child long, and the child would be motherless i would still do it
i would feel like i would have achieved something and left a footprint behind
but with no boyfriend or husband id probably have to ask a good friend of mine to do
the deed shall we say ^^" well getting it done artificially would take too long and you need 9 months as it is. so yeah haha that what was going through my mind whilst watching gogglebox last night
tomorrow i think me and my parents are getting out passport photos done
my brother did his last week, my current passport is well out of date
im about 5 or 6 years old on it. and i hope to not look like the grim reaper like do on
my driving license XD passport is a good form of ID but i think my family would like to
go abroad, the last time any of us went was 13 years ago
but who would look after the pets?
anyway ive yacked on enough~
Good Evening~
I had a rough night >.> stupid cold
I just want to breath damn it!!!! ><
this morning tho i felt so poorly. I went to bed last thinking "i wonder if i'll get up tomorrow?"
i felt that poorly going to bed i thought id be bed bound the next day
nope Jozu gets up even when shes down and sick!
I didnt want to get up i have to say, but i have pets awaiting for me ;)
Mum wanted to go somewhere, i could have happily stayed at home
i do feel better if i do get out but sometimes im happy being in my 4 walls
but anyway i went out with her we just traveled to the massive Asda 25mins away
This time of year I LOVE in stores as its my best season HALLOWEEN!!
oh yes ^^ how I do love that spooky occassion
as I truly believe the humble pumpkin to be a thing of beauty
honestly someone could give me something pumpkin related for xmas and id be well happy!
anyway so i went straight to the halloween section, to be disapointed at how damn small it was!!!
usually that Asda goes full out and even darkens the aisles!!
we went round the clothes - the reason for coming here
mum got a few bits so i was happy, i saw a bunny jumper i was tempted but knew i wouldnt
get a lot of wear outta it so i left it. but i did get a shirt for work - seeing as i have dress smarter now
its white with hot air balloons on it
it had a tag of £12 on it but on the under side a sticker saying "damaged - reduced £3"
£3 for a new shirt bargin huh! but what's the damage?
so i inspected everywhere, but couldnt see any issues. so i showed it mum and she checked it over
but both of us couldnt find anything wrong with it so in basket it went ^^
Came home had lunch then went to bed and died
woke up to the smell of cake
my dear mother had made a banana cake *3* how i love that cake
so i waited around for the baby to come out the oven
as i do LOVE that cake warm =3= its good
im not entirely sure where the afternoon went, maybe idol video watching? but i drew this
chibi Totoro, ive never drawn Totoro before
it was a bead picture someone did on deviantart so i drew over it making this :)
i wanted to do an autumn picture
i wanna draw a halloween picture but they always suck
i have been sat in my room for the last hour designing a hoodie
i had all these ideas going round my head then suddenly it all went blank
im tired i know i am so therefor i couldnt think straight so i ended up packing it all away
yes maybe i shouldnt have got all that fabric out at 8pm but im like that when i get sudden idea
just usually i follow through and come up with a design not tonight tho =.=
tonight its Gogglebox - celebrity version
man why do celebrities have to get in on a program i like >.>
i choose to watch these things because they dont have celebrities in *sigh*
its a one off for cancer i keep telling myself
im so grouchy arent i? haha
mum went to see granny today
she said she was in pain.....
Good evening minna~
I was praying that when I would wake today that my cold would have gone
but nope =.= woke up with a stinkin' cold
someone up there truly must hate me =.=
After becoming re-united with the tissue box i went downstairs
and started my pet duties as usual
Tiffin decided he wanted to come in, it was cold and damp out there
usually when i let him he just runs upstairs and plays up there
or lays under my bed >.>
but this morning he actually stayed downstairs, well he did check up stairs
simply to make sure it was all how he last left it XD
anyway millie & alice were in the hall. tiffin found them...
millie immediately started following tiffin X3 they love each other
he turned round and sniffed her and walked on
alice came to join, tiffin kinda went to scare her off. he didnt harm her - just warned her
so they alice thought "i aint standing for this" and she snorted 4 times!!!!
I was so so shocked. ive only heard lily snort before to see alice do it made me gasp
when you hear a pig snort its guaranteed something is gonna kick off
in the end i told tiffin to come away and he did luckily
alice took the hump and went to sit in an igloo
millie went to go sit with her but alice snapped at her, and didnt allow her access into the igloo
so millie was just sat outside the igloo! so cute she never does that
its like she was trying to make up with alice
i told tiffin hes stirred things up between em XD
Then I sat in my room making these
these are little Fairy houses X3 I saw a picture of them and decided to make them
altho mine ended up not being that christmasy
but I thought I could still stick em up round xmas, i gave them little windows
so i could put battery tea lights in them.
I want to make another one but waiting for a finished toilet roll ><
Mum took me out to the shops at the retail park
we just went TK MAXX and B&M bargins
TKMAXX we brought my brother some joggers, smellies for house
and my mum got a jumper and slippers. I got a hoodie I already have
so yes now i have 2 identical tops but theres a reason. its well comfy
and was reduced to £4!!! it had to be brought right? Also I got a bra which is incredibly soft ^^
Came home and went straight to bed i was exhausted
when i woke up i taught mum how to use granny's kindle
granny doesnt want/need it anymore. mum has wanted one for ages
so yeah i sorted that for her. i told her shes grave robbing and granny aint dead yet XD
actually shes gone to see granny now. last night when she came home from hay wood house
she told me and my brother that she got no response from her whats so ever
its sad and im glad i havent seen her in that state
mum is going because she feels she has to and its the right thing to do
even though we all know if granny could talk she'd be telling us not to worry and go home
I should have gone for a walk with mia and helina but mia was busy
and helina had stomach ache so i was relieved as i didnt feel up to it
i can barely breathe as it is
I feel like crap. i just want my bed ><
not sure what im doing tomorrow.
I have a few projects id like to do
ALSO WE HAVENT SEEN ANY MORE SQUIRRELS 0.0
i laughed as my dad has brought a new bird feeder - an anti-squirrel one
it's a bit late for that wouldnt you say?
no body told him what my brother did!
Konbanwa~
I got up today at 8:20am on a mission
for the last 3 times mum has beat me to cleaning out the pets
a job i can do, yet she gets on and does it with out me
even does tiffin for me!! as much as i do appreciate it
its wrong, its a job i should be doing
its only cus i was waking up a bit later >.>
so yeah I cleaned all 3 hutches out, its a good feeling but also tiring
tiffin always feels like he's "helping"
In the morning me and mum went off into town
we havent been together in months
I picked up some jogging bottoms *0* i was so pleased
not because i had to throw my old crusty ones out this week but because
the joggers were in the sale!!! When theyre £4 a pair you cant complain
i only buy them with writing down the side. hate plain ones
and it only seems to be Select that sell em :/ i only wear em for round
the house + yoga
Also I was in need of pajamas....i keep looking but cant find any i like
i dont like vest top ones and its too warm for fleecy ones
i found some in new look but they said stuff like "hang over" on them
and even if its only my family who sees me in pajamas i still didnt want to wear em
until i found these babies in Primark - I never buy from there shows how desperate i was!
i found some long sleeve ones for when it gets colder
theyre Alice in Wonderland!!!!!!!!!!!
then I found t-shirt ones which have a bunny on!
All my pajamas are bunny related in one way or another XD
I picked up some think winter tights as well for work, they were in the sale also
we headed home, it was lunch time
I sat in the hall finishing my bunting my 23 flags
it took longer than i thought to stitch things on but worth it
im not sure how to photograph them tho :/
Ive done with making xmas decorations now and ive placed them in a box ready
some of them dont fit in the box tho ><
I went to sleep as i looked and felt like a corpse
since i woke up in the morning i feel like i have a cold coming
my nose feels burny like i have water up it, my ears feel werid and my throat is sore
i cant believe im getting a cold =.= would explain my bad health lately tho
we shall see, im hoping it will be gone tomorrow when i wake :D
its yoga tonight, but both me and mum havent gone
shes gone with my dad to visit granny and im at home resting
my brother has decided that he too doesnt want to see her again
shes starting to get agitated and coming out with things that arent her
its not nice to see. mum doesnt want to see it ether
other relatives have been calling, asking if they should come see her
but mum says theres not much point
i do feel awful not going and im at war with myself whether to go or not
but my mum told me and and my brother that we have done well to stick
by her this far and having a bad memory sticks with you for life
its really hard. i dont think i could have coped with crying tonight
as for yoga, im tired and i wasnt in the mood to go by myself
so im gonna do some stretches by myself
tomorrow i plan on making these christmas fairy houses
made from bog rolls, see how that goes
i uploaded photos today as i have been bad at not uploading any images lately!
Evening~
I woke up at 9am, i did not want to get up
its not like me, im such a morning person, someone who cant wait
to start the day. but i just want to turn over and slip into a coma for a while
I got up did my pet duties as usual
mum went out shopping then she came home to collect me to go see granny
we arrived at the hospital and my god i was shocked
the amount of cars!!! it was as if the hospital was giving out free money or something
everywhere was well and truly rammed
we went round the entire place and found no where. people resorted to parking
on banks and grass areas, those people we saw getting parking fines ><
so mum was stressed and i told her to come away as there wasnt much
time left of visiting hours
we got home phoned haywood house and they said it was fine to come
outside of visiting hours, so mum called a taxi this time
my god are all taxi drivers crazy drivers!?
anyway i went to see her and granny was just there asleep on the bed as always
i spoke to her but this time she didnt really look at me..she didnt smile..she didnt speak to me
it was sad. and i could feel her frustration and tiredness
to make things worse the only thing she managed to say was
"ive had enough. i wish they would give me something so i can go"
my heart sank to hear that. i know shes fed up and waiting for the end but to hear it
its just awful. i felt so bad for her. i didnt speak a lot to her as i wasnt sure what to say
and i was crying a fair bit too. its just so sad seeing her like this
sitting next to her stroking her hand i was making my decision
the decision on weather to come back and see her again
she didnt really know i was there as i could tell she was slipping in and out of sleep
and each time i go im making myself more upset
i just dont want the memory you know? its the kind of thing that sticks in your mind
i want to remember granny as the lovely woman she was, not a sick old lady in bed
so upon leaving i went to her and kissed her good bye and just about got the
words out i tell her each time i leave her "i love you granny"
(woops making me type this is making my eyes watery ><)
i just knew when leaving her room that that was the last i would see my granny
my last grandparent.
its not been so bad visiting her when she could talk and smile and cuddle you
but seeing her today wasnt my granny. im just glad shes not in pain
my family has gone to see her now, ive stayed behind.
each time i get upset its making my health worse and worse
i feel so selfish not going tho.
i mean if it was me lying in that bed id bloody want my family round me
id be so scared and id want to see everyone
i should be staying with her and supporting her. but im struggling
im not a good person. mum says ive seen her a lot and its not like i wasnt bothered
or didnt make the effort. i think its me just wanting to do more for her
its a difficult and frustrating position to be in.
so once again ive cried a fair bit
i got home for lunch i could have quite easily gone with out it
but mum made us some soup and bread. i just about ate it all
i layed down on the sofa and fell asleep for about 2 hours
im just shattered and weak lately, my health has not been good
its a stress illness, so any stress makes it worse. and im feeling A LOT of stress right now
i cant remember the last time i felt so poorly
i sat with the girls and stitched some bells and buttons on my bunting
i wanted to get some fresh air so i went for a little walk with mum
we checked grannys house over too
as soon as we got back home it absolutely poured down!!
hammering against the windows, literally 30 seconds after we walked through the door
talk about good timing!
ive tried to do a lil dancing over the days but im not getting anywhere with it
my heads muddled and i cant learn the moves
so ive decided to have a week off from dance cover uploads
mum is on about going out with me for the day tomorrow
but we shall see
it all depends on granny, i know mum wants to be there for her at the end
as for me i believe i have seen my granny for the last time
i dont want her to go i wish i could have her back to normal
im struggling to cope with this, i cant imagine the state i'll be in when i lose mum
i'll be a wreck! im so close with mum ive been trying to support her through this
anyway see what tomorrow brings
Evening all~
Today I woke up just before 9am
I had slept bad again waking up in awkward positions
so when I did finally get up I realized I had a pulled muscle in my neck =.=
I decided to start the day with sewing
and I finished my bunting well kinda, i still need to sew buttons and bells on
I sat with the piggies as well because its rained all day = indoor play
Tiffin had a run in with the squirrel yesterday and today the bloody thing
came after him again!!!
it scared me how close they were I shouted out my bedroom
mum was in the kitchen and went out to them
the squirrel is so cocky tho it just stood there, its because
its burying it's nuts round the garden so it doesnt want tiffin after them
I made sure tiffin was ok told him what a brave boy he was for not running away
later on today i caught the squirrel on the fence near tiffin staring down at him
tiffin had his ears angled at the squirrel so i went out and shooed it off
i was forever looking out of windows today checking on tiffin
i was so annoyed at it going after tiffin, what would happen if i couldnt get there
quick enough? or if tiffin decided to give in?
My brother was on about shooting the squirrel and in my moment of hate for the creature
i agreed, never really meant it
later on i was sat at my sewing machine
i heard a loud noise
i shouted "what the hell was that!?"
my brother "my gun"
"oh, did you hit it?"
brother "yeah"
I thought "no way did he get it first time. no way would he even shoot it"
so i thought id get up to see if tiffin was ok, to see if he was startled by the gun shoot
and thats when i freaked out
i saw this squirrel dying. it was trying to walk away but slowly failing
i shouted my brother 3 times, but he had gone down stairs
my mum at that moment had flushed the toilet so she couldnt hear me
she came out the bathroom, she saw me in a state
mum "whats the matter!?"
me "mum its dying!!! its gasping for life!!
mum "i dont want to see it! i cant believe he got it!! come here Jo"
so me and mum cuddled on her bed i was a bit upset at this point
i actually thought i was gonna be sick at any moment
i was just shook up, i did not expect to see that at all
my brother came in and asked if we were ok and if we were mad at him
i told him i wasnt i just hadnt been ready for that, i thought he was joking about getting it
hes got a good bloody aim. he said it was hard to look at its face through the scope.
im glad its gone because i was worried for tiffin's safety and the pigs
but i just believed it would eventually go if we kept scaring it away
so that drained the life outta me
i made dinner not that i felt like eating it but i was determined to get it
all down me since i hadnt eaten a decent meal all day
my thoughts on food have been bad lately =.=
my mum got a phone call from granny's friend. she had been to see granny
relieving us of visiting her in the afternoon
her friend told us that granny wasnt good and was told she had 3 days...
my family left for grannys, i felt tired and i felt like i couldnt cope with much more
not tonight anway, and said id go tomorrow
whilst they were out lynn phoned to say her husband has gone into hospital
she isnt well ether
then i tried to talk to ed as hes been calling and i havent been picking up
so we went to skype and that lasted 10 whole minutes as my family
came home and mum was upset. mum doesnt usually get upset
so i quickly said my goodbyes to ed and went to see mum
mum said granny wasnt good and can feel the end is near
it made me upset, well actually i tend to get upset when i see mum upset
its just a reaction i have i guess
so i said id go tomorrow morning with her. mum is canceling her work tomorrow
to go see granny.
im finding life hard. im struggling to find any joy and happiness at the moment
like theres no light at the end of the tunnel
i know it will get better it just feels like a long way away
anyway im off to go sit with my pets then go bed
finally bed
I'm here now
It was late last night for me to blog
and I hadnt had time during the day ether
This weekend has just been a roller coaster of emotions
The feeling of that ice cold hand pulling your heart down
and squeezing on your stomach
my anxiety has been bad to the point were i do want to panic and cry
the day started with me getting up at 8am after a bad night's sleep
i was getting up to meet dom in town for 10am
so i rushed round, didnt help out with cleaning the pets out and left
to only have to wait outside for 20mins for dom as he was late =.=
not like him so i wont complain, i was cold tho
we walked round town i didnt need anything other than pajamas and i didnt
find any i liked, so just got paint and necklace
we went into a cafe i like as it does cakes that rot your teeth theyre so sweet
and the hot chocolate is good too, dom treated me to a hot choc and cup cake
we chatted about life lately i told him everything with my family and my job
he told me hes getting anxiety problems, he'd said this too me during manchester
how sometimes he cant go out, he cant eat and is distressed
its not like him at all
and its all because of this 18 year old girl he likes
personally i just wanted to shake him and tell him to move on and forget her
but i couldnt, instead i suggested giving the girl some space which he is doing
i hate seeing my friends down, it burns me, and i just wanna go after who ever
it is who is causing them grief
I left for home and arrived home 1:30pm
My cousins arrived just after 2pm
all 4 of them came down uncle, Oliver, Sophie, Sarah
it was nice they had all made the effort to come down
The girls all stood in the kitchen talking the men went round the computer talking
car, internet, ebay =.=
my mum announced that we must be off to go see granny, we were having an early
birthday due for her since its not looking likely she will see her birthday on the 19th
i wanted to go really i did, but i had made the decision that i would look after sarah today
she was upset at us just telling her about granny's health, she couldnt bring herself to go see her
i know i understood, as shes watched my auntie - her mother die the same way when sarah
was just 12 years old, its traumatized her
they set off with cake and everything T^T i went to my room with sarah
she let out with everything that had been happening to her and the amount of "help" she was
receiving from many different medical professions
to her my cousin telling me she has anorexia made my heart sink
its a nasty illness to have and can kill
she got upset, i told her my own "head" problems the battles i face
i tried to help her with her own problems and troubled
but just like it was over texting, she asks for help i give her help she shuts the door in my face
how can ask for help but not accept it? isnt that attention seeking?
eventually my family came home but my uncle and cousins had gone to grannys house
not here as they were gonna set up were they were sleeping for the night
so i walked sarah back over, she could have stayed with me but i could see her shaking and
holding her tears back from anxiety of being away from home and being away from her dad
i came home and took the opportunity to have a shower and sort my dinner out
my family was all eating take-away pizza, i cant eat that stuff i dont wanna hear what
my head would say to all those calories, sarah didnt want it ether
so i put some soup on - to tired to do anything flashy
my cousins came over just whilst i was eating, they went to the pub with my family
i was left alone with sarah and sophie
i was in the living room with sophie talking whilst i had my dinner, sarah never came through
so when id finished i checked where she was, and she was in the hall in a ball, she had
jsut been on the phone to her boyfriend outside a few minutes previous
i thought she was just having a minute to herself to collect her thoughts
i really thought she'd come and see me and soph
my family came home with pizza and well sat in the living room, i ate cake mum
saved me from the birthday party ^^
sarah still didnt join us, i went to go see her. she was gone
i checked upstairs, no sign of her so i told my uncle and oliver
who were still eating pizza so they got, went on the phone and decided to go
have a walk round the neighbourhood - this has happened a week ago at her own home
she decided to take off without saying anything
they found her on the drive behind the gate
shes always cold due to not having any meat on her so god knows why she chose to
go sit outside in the cold and not just in my room or something
sophie was saying how she believes that some of this is just attention seeking
getting her dad's attention, people to notice her
and how its driving her up the wall - luckily she doesnt live with her anymore
but they are all finding it difficult to cope with sarah
it was 20mins later still the 3 of them were outside
i went upstairs to the toilet and realized i could hear my uncle and oliver talking to sarah
i had been to the toilet but remained seated as it were
maybe i shouldnt be eaves dropping but i would get no other better opportunity than this
to hear the other half of the story, i only ever hear sarah's side
now i got to see both sides of it
so i sat poised in the dark of the toilet listening to them
i couldnt believe what i was hearing. oliver. i have a much better opinion of him now
he was just amazing with her. the words he used and what he said
he just did so so well. at one point he walked away for a 1min breather
but came back to her. hes VERY patient. sarah all the time crying, bringing up the past, coming up with the world's lamest excuses. its like she want to be better but she turns all the help away
"how can we help you when you wont let us help you? what do you want us to do?" is the sentence he told her a few times and its what we all say to her
her went on to say "look at Jo, look how much better she is now, and do you know why shes getting better? its because she accepts the help around her. she wanted to get better"
she was crying because she wanted to go home she did not want to sleep in grannys home
but my uncle and oliver had both had too much drink - therefor couldnt drive
they drilled that into her head many many times but its like it just wasnt sinking in
in the end instead of the whole family sitting up the garden with the wood fire, my uncle
took sarah back to grannys house, just the 2 of them - what she wanted
she ALWAYS wants her dad. shes 17
most 17 year olds arent arsed where theyre parents are but she is, she has to know where he is all the time, when to expect him home. and if hes not home for that time she sits and waits for him - all night sometimes too
so my uncle had caved in,let the illness win and took sarah home
oliver wasnt impressed, he doesnt cave in
so we all sat in the garden with wood fire going and sophie and oliver filled us in on bits and bobs
i told him that they were both very patient were her - him not knowing id over heard their conversation. he told me that his patience is wearing very thin now tho
lynn had text me, her husband den has taken a turn for the worst
he now is fully wheelchair dependent and she needs to care for him 24/7
they have careers in and everything. my heart broke for her
shes now got to go through what ive just been going through but with her husband :(
i went to bed earlier than everyone. my head was spinning i was filled with so many
emotions, my body was weak, exhausted, tired and shaky
going to town and walking round at dom's pace is hard work, coming home and dealing with such
sadness and hardships, seeing my beloved cousin being eaten away by an illness, my other cousins suffering because of what sarah does to the house hold. not being able to spend time with granny who is dieing in a bed. my own issues. listening to dom suffer because hes in love with a girl whos messing him around, lynn's husband's health is deteriorating. so i took a sleeping tablet to knock me out no way would i be able to sleep with everything. feel like im surrounded by a lot of sadness right now.
this morning i woke up at 9:45am - woah late almost 12 hours sleep ><
guess i needed it after yesterday ^^"
the cousins and my uncle came over in the morning but my family had just left
to pop to the shops so they left here and went to go see granny, taking sarah with them this time
she had to sit in the car, they werent long. just saying theyre goodbyes
he was on about maybe coming down in the week to see her again.
so they came back here and my whole family sat outside in the sun talking
sarah didnt want to be out with everyone, so i kept her company in my room
i kinda wanted to sit out with everyone, i havent been able to spend much time with my family
we talked and i traded her a pokemon she was happy with
then they left at 1pm. i told sarah id be there for her.
i wont ignore her text messages anymore but i can only do so much its her
who needs to put the work in now, she needs to love herself.
in the afternoon my family went for a walk, i danced
and i did a bit of sewing and i went to see granny
who looked like each breath was an effort
now ive just spend 30mins writing this up
see what tomorrows brings
how was your weekend?
