Good Evening
I did sleep a bit better last night
and no scratching although I am scratching a fair bit today
like having fleas i swear!
I didn't wanna get up this morning but of course I did
cus Jozu is a morning person ^^
School was alright
it started with a teaching assistant's meeting
i have never been in a staff meeting before!
So it gave me zero time to prepare for lesson!
so i have ran round like a headless chicken today
i had work through my break time as well so from
7am til 12:25pm I did not stop
i was done in!!
school was alright though and I talked with the TA in the classroom
about the child I care for, things setting up for her and the support shes gonna need
all schools are waiting til their budget comes through in april then they know
what funding they will have available basically
I hope i get some extra work, i told them i didn't mind continuing her care and i dont mind if they want to get someone more qualified in to do the job
but she reassured me that i was doing a great job ^^
I came home and had cheese on toast!
just one more day to go at school!
Then I had dentist booooooo but everything was fine luckily :D
i saw mia as well there bless her she told me after my examination she envies my straight teeth
i have been lucky with my teeth
about the only part of my body that does function properly!
I went round charity shops i got a necklace with a sewing machine charm on it and a pair of tights
then i came home for a brew
did some cross stitch then just been with tiffin :)
gonna do some dance and yoga now
feels weird not going yoga tonight but we're going tomorrow instead
I had to think about my outfit for school tomorrow as helina is picking me up
from the school gates then we're going kitty cafe so im not gonna have chance to
change my outfit so i wanted to look tidy for work but casual for kitty cafe
i think i've nailed the look :)
im looking forward to kitty cafe actually
gonna be shattered tho tomorrow
school - kitty cafe (bit of shopping) - yoga
i want to just check tomorrow what bra and pants debenams have on offer when i go town tomorrow
helina wont mind as she loves that department XD
I did my BMI last night cus adam told me what his BMI was
and mine is 18.9 if it goes down to 18.4 id be classified as Under weight
which surprised me actually as i really dont feel under weight at all
not that i'm gonna go put weight on cus it will only upset my thoughts
i told adam he didn't say anything about shoving food down me luckily
cus he knows i find it difficult
here are my nails for this week
the children loved them
clouds and weather and umbrella
Evening
Once again I did not sleep
life is becoming an endurance run at the moment
just so shattered
I was aching in the night really and also scratching
a lot of scratching
waking myself up cus im scratching my face, neck, hair, back
WHY!?
so yeah i was tired this morning
School felt like hard work
it wasnt anything different really just a typical day
I got home and warmed up left over pasta with mum
then we went shops together for a lil while
Then literally as we came home adam turned up ><
got like no time to relax at all really
although we didnt do an awful lot together
but still being with someone is draining espically when they tickle me and it makes me
move and squirm
but its nice to have the company it is
its taking some getting used to as im so used to being by myself
he talked stuff over with me, telling me he loves spending time with me, he wants me to be more honest and open about my condition, he wants to know how my head works (dont we all) he wont get bored of me and he's happy to wait for things to develop (if they do) he wont rush or pressure me.
so its nice to hear it all said to my face and it is slowly sinking in that someone wants to put up with me but i still have doubts that im too much of a commitment to make
i took him home
had dinner then caught up online really
tomorrow is school and i have dentist as well ><
no yoga as we're going to a friday class instead to try a different teacher!
my nails for this week
Good Evening~
I slept a lil better last night luckily
My dad at school wasnt too bad really ether
easy enough I suppose and Ive really got a handle on the paper work
in fact the other teaching assistants are on about getting me to do more stuff
in reguarding to helping the child I work with
nice to feel trusted and that im actually helping
I came home had left over pasta i made on saturday
then I went to bed for an hour
just cus i was a bit tired but also cus i kinda just wanted 'me time'
time to switch off really
Adam txted saying he wants to see me tomorrow
he told me yesterday we weren't meeting til sunday!
in fact he'd rang me whilst i slept mum had answered my phone and told him i was asleep ><
i think if i was awake i reckon he'd of walked over!
Then I sorted a few bits out and stuff
nothing much cus i didnt want to do a lot really
and Im off to see mia tonight as well
finally! so i needed energy for that!
Tomorrow I am at school
and wednesday is my best day simply cus its very easy!
and goes pretty quick!
I've ordered a couple of face creams id like to have ago with
i'm in the mood to play with make-up as of late
just a shame stuff takes a while to come from korea or japan ><
I forgot to show what tara gave me for my birthday the other week!
its been plaguing my desk top all week!
first pokemon socks!!
Next mini battery operated lights -still unsure where to put em
Magnetic nail varnish - yes there is such a thing!
Then she's been telling me to have ago with jewels on my nails
Cute bows - I have used 2/3 already :D
and she couldnt resist making me a candle which is a tradition i feel now ^^
right im off to go for a walk with mia!
Evening
Last night was a repeat of last sunday night
I once again couldnt sleep and lay there aching
mum said she heard me sleep talking "why can't I sleep?" ><
I was quite tired come morning but it was a lovely bright morning
so that made it all feel better :)
School was alright really the child I care for
was very tired herself so it was difficult to get her work or stay on task
but the morning soon went
I came home and had cheese on toast
then did some dancing! I had a right fun time and sweated
so hopefully i will sleep tonight
then I layed out on my bed hoping i'd fall asleep before adam came over
no such luck, he'd worked hard to finish early for me ><
We played pokemon and I watched him play as well
he cuddled me and we talked about stuff
i went and got a shower then dressed for dinner
didnt bother with hair or make-up cus quite frankly i could not be arsed!!
I had fish pie, then shared a chocolate cake and ice cream with adam
it was good a lil pricey tho i have to say
just tired
i know im tired cus i struggle mentally
i struggled about how many calories must be in the food i was choosing for dinner
i struggle with adam (i hide it well)
its hard seeing someone so often cus im simply exhausted from work AND socializing
realistically right now my body can only handle one or the other
but once again i push myself
I was trying to explain to mum the way i feel
i feel numb, ive never had fancy feeling for guys
its never ever been there almost like i was never given the hormone
i feel like i'm in the bottom of a well by myself and adam is at the top extending his hand to me to join him in life and some days i latch onto that arm wanting to be part of a 'normal' life other days i feel like pushing the hand away and keeping to my loneliness not needing anyone
but surely if you like LIKE someone you should want to be with them all times right?
so why do i have moments of not wanting or needing anyone?
i feel its in my genes
my dad's side of the family - his uncle, his sister. never married no kids no relationships. nothing
just alone
and i refuse to let that become my future
i do not want to be alone
but im struggling to make that jump into life. and im not sure why im struggling....
anyway enough of that its depressing me
Tomorrow I have school then im FINALLY seeing mia for a walk i believe after she'd finished work. be good to actually see my lovely sister. prehaps she can talk some sense into me!
cus when i dwell on stuff for too long at the moment i find im holding tears back!
I got this make-up the other day
its a pink eyeshadow liner i use it to line my eyes. it's brand is Lioele and its really nice actually as it's subtle i will keep posting make-up as and when it comes!
Good Evening~
I didn't sleep brilliantly
for one I kept waking up with stomach ache god knows why
when I woke up at 8:30am i didnt wanna get up
woke up an hour later then crawled out of bed just before 10am ><
I cleaned my room cus it was getting a lil dusty
i like to stay on top of it ^^
Then I sorted some stuff out on my laptop
and had lunch
Tiffin has been in a mood today
Adam decided he wanted to walk over to my house
but it was raining! So i had said I was gonna fetch him
so in the end i met him a few mins from home then we walked the rest
of the way together :)
It felt good to get some fresh air even tho it was cold ><
Then he stayed at mine from about 2ish til 6pm
we booked my first holiday of 2017!
We had talked about going away and I suggested easter holidays
cus ive got 2 weeks to kill!
so we've decided to go south yorkshire (me and ed went last year)
we're staying in a old hall on grounds that has its own lake
theyres an indoor swimming pool also :D
it was surprisingly cheap actually
so for 2 nights and train there and back its cost us £71 each!! good bargin actually
so thats 3-5th april
i feel i trust adam enough other wise i wouldnt even suggest going away
and he knows not to expect anything if you know what i mean
hes happy to go at my pace and be patient
cus if he expected me to 'give up the goods' i wouldnt go away with him. no freakin' way
we just enjoy each others company :)
Then we played pokemon i was teaching him about Wonder Trade
and then we ate the cake he brought round for me! I didnt ask him to but it was a lovely surprise
and his mum had made it too!!
then we just talked and he cuddled me ^^
tiffin went for both of us >< right mardy rabbit
tomorrow I have school in the morning
then adam has work til about 2ish then he insists on taking the bus
from work to my house then we're going out for dinner later :)
Mum went out with dad today
and she randomly brought this for me
random but cute i love it
it's on the back of my door
need to name her!
Good Evening
Man how good did it feel to not be woken at 7am!!
It was nice waking up to see 9:15
even tho that takes some time from my morning it still feels really
good mentally and physically
I got up and took it easy this morning in getting ready
I was to meet adam at 11am
I picked him up and we basically went to 3 towns
i drove of course i do wish he could drive!!
We went round over 10 charity shops
I found 2 good buys!
this jumper from quite an expensive brand for £5 it has stars and a bunny!
Then a tartan skirt i have never had a pink on before but what is great about it is
theyre actually shorts!! These were £2.99 and originally from River Island - theyre stuff aint cheap!
so good bargins ^^
At lunch I had leak and potato soup which was handmade and served with handmade bread
i had a cup of tea and it came to £5.50 really good food and great value i was impressed
adam had a flippin' burger, chips, onion rings you name it XD
The last cafe we went to we both had a scoop of ice cream
my first ice cream of the year! realy good ^^
I came home and rested really
cus i need to rest
I organized going to the kitty cafe again with helina
thats happening on the 10th march :D im gonna go after school with her :)
we're due a catch up~~
I chose what nails I want to paint this week
gonna do clouds/weather as i think the kids at school will like them
tomorrow adam is gonna come over after lunch i believe
we're just gonna play pokemon, chill out and yeah just enjoy each others company
hes very patient with me. he tries to put my insecurities and worries to rest but its easily said than done but it does make me feel better to hear it said. he willing to patient with me, he wants to understand me, he doesnt expect anything of me, he wont get bored of me. But i still have doubts but i think thats me cus he hasnt done anything wrong its just me feeling small really.
i actually had the energy for dance last night
got sweaty and did warm down with yoga moves
i plan to do the same tonight!!!
oh and i weighed myself this morning cus i was absoultely convinced i had put weight on, i felt big and my thoughts were relentless. so i bit the bullet and weighed myself. i weighed my usual 54kg...how is that possible? and why was i so convinced that i had put weight on? is my head messing me and getting the better of me? bit worrying but im glad i havent put weight on cus christ that is not a good road to go down!
Evening
Man I could not sleep last night
just ached in bed big style
Not sure what's gone wrong with me this week
but it's wearing a lil thin now!!!
So of course I was tired when I woke up but no change there
Got to school
I did some maths and english with the child then it was indoor play
cus it was throwing it down out there
Then p.e. in the hall
so pretty easy but i was just done in and i had a lot of staff asking
"are you alright today Jo?"
guess I must have looked how I felt ><
On wednesday I took a spare SATS paper home
SATS are the end of year exams year 6 take so the government knows how well the school is performing basically, but what the school tells the kids is that the tests happen so that the High School next year knows how smart you are. loads of rubbish as when you start high school you sit CATS tests in your first month to find out your intelligence
anyway the other student Joe at school took the paper he was disgusted with himself for only achieving 29/35. i said "i'd be happy with that score! I'd like to have ago myself"
to which at this point the head teacher homes in says "there is a spare paper"
eep...me and my big mouth
next thing i know one is in my face!! so i took it home to do
before you think anything
no i did not cheat
us what would be the point? i wanted to see how bad/well id do
so i took it in yesterday for marking
and today i got the results...(luckily i made sure it wasnt gonna be marked by head teacher!!!!!)
24/35....jesus
i was horrified XD
Anyway this lunch I came home
mum and mum headed on out to Tiffin's cafe
it was pretty easy to find
it was very retro
lacey tables and pastel colours, old china cups thats kinda scene
i would have been more than happy to have tea and cake instead of lunch as well
but i didnt think mum would let me get away with that
so i ended up having sausage baguette which was very good
the tomato sauce i asked for came in a mini jam pot!!
the earl grey tea we ordered came in a beautiful tea pot, it was fresh leaves!!!! and the milk pourer was in the shape of a dove!! so pretty
then we knew we had to have cake but we were both full
but both had a piece of butter scotch cake
my god it was the best cake id had in a long while
i didnt want it to end
then i felt very very sick
so i wrapped it up and took the rest home mum didnt finish hers ether
but it was good to finally get out as this was the 3rd time we'd planned it
after we hit some charity shops
i picked up a coat for school cus mine is scruffy now
it was only £6.99
came home and chilled out really with pets
cus it was too wet for em to go out
then i spent almost 2 hours doing make-up research
im trying to find ways to brighten/lighten/whiten my skin
but i HATE wearing a lot of make up. i just never do it
i dont own foundation cus its just horrible stuff. i use bare minium on my actual face
my eyes have more make-up on them
so i looked at many products, reviews, brands
my head spun!
I like asian brands. mostly korean and japanese ^^
so i've ordered bits and pieces i will upload em~
Tomorrow I am seeing adam
not sure yet whats happening!
Here are this week's nails
pinks!
