♥Tiffin♥

Today my heart broke
I'm not going to sugar coat it
Today Tiffin passed away

I can't believe I've even had to type that sentence
It's set me off crying again I'm afraid

4 hours ago I got home to find my mum at the front door telling me to come in
instantly I knew something was wrong (I thought I'd done something wrong!!)
Then I thought 'crap is it pinky? has she died?'
She started to cry and said "you know what I'm going to say don't you?"
"no, mum please whats happened? I want to know"
She eventually got out the words

"At 1pm Tiffin passed away. I'm so sorry Jo. I had seen him only a few minutes
previously as I was putting the girls outside. I heard a few thumping noises, went into
the shed and he was just laying there outside his cage. I just knew he had gone. I went to go
see if he had really just died and he had. I thought about rushing him to the vets but I knew
he had just passed away. I think he'd had a heart attack or a fit and just gone. I rang dad he came
home immediately and agreed tiffin had passed away and we buried him together. I'm so sorry.
I didn't want to tell you until you were home"

Well after that I think I must have reacted the way a mother is told their child has passed away
I was just shaking sobbing mess
I was just numb and trying to form words over my crying
I needed to know everything
mum said he'd been fine all morning he had a treat and been out with the girls, eating the grass,
had a fuss. just normal happy bunny
Heck before i went to work I was chasing and playing with him and gave him a treat. He'd even jumped
into the girls run this morning (without them in it) and I had to get him out! such a scamp.
He was totally fine

It's shocking how quickly life can be taken from us
I never saw this coming. truly I didn't.
In a way I'm glad I didn't have to put him down but this was just so unexpected
yes he still had lil cough still which was going and was still on daily anti-biotics
but apart from that he was perfectly healthy
he'd put weight on since he got sick. he was doing fine.
and now hes gone.

I've never bonded with a rabbit as quickly as I did tiffin
there was something about him that from the second I saw him I knew
it had to be him. He was meant for me and my family
He settled in well and was very social with my family and guineas
and just became a part of the family in the short 2 years we had him.

I can't express my sadness and heart ache.
I am going to miss him so much. Mum said she will miss him and she cried too
he was the closest she'd ever been with any of my rabbits
My love for him was so deep. I would have done anything for him
No matter how crap my day had been, just seeing his little face would make my own face smile
and everything would feel better instantly because he just made me feel happy
he was truly my best friend and we were there for each other
some people may think it's sad that i was this close my bunny
but i dont care I loved him and he was very loved, cared for, appreciated, cherished and spoiled

I wish tiffin wasnt ripped away from my life as suddenly as he was
id do anything to get him back but i know life isn't like that
so i resign myself to saying
X please rest in peace tiffin X
I will always love you
and thank you for the precious memories you gave to me
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My first rabbit Sky I got 8th March 2005
Tiffin my last rabbit died 10th March 2017
I have owned rabbits for 12 years
I'm 25
So for almost half my life I've had a rabbit
it's going to be very hard with out one
It's too soon to talk about 'another one'
my parents have never denied me of another rabbit
but mum said she'd like me to wait for a bit
she'd told me that when I lost Kip but 2 days later I found Tiffin!
So we shall see. You never know what the future holds
personally I have said that IF I decide that I do in fact want another bunny
then I'd like a female. Because I feel I will never get another beautiful prince like tiffin again

First TA meeting and BMI 18.9

Good Evening

I did sleep a bit better last night
and no scratching although I am scratching a fair bit today
like having fleas i swear!
I didn't wanna get up this morning but of course I did
cus Jozu is a morning person ^^

School was alright
it started with a teaching assistant's meeting
i have never been in a staff meeting before!
So it gave me zero time to prepare for lesson!
so i have ran round like a headless chicken today
i had work through my break time as well so from
7am til 12:25pm I did not stop
i was done in!!
school was alright though and I talked with the TA in the classroom
about the child I care for, things setting up for her and the support shes gonna need
all schools are waiting til their budget comes through in april then they know
what funding they will have available basically
I hope i get some extra work, i told them i didn't mind continuing her care and i dont mind if they want to get someone more qualified in to do the job
but she reassured me that i was doing a great job ^^

I came home and had cheese on toast!
just one more day to go at school!
Then I had dentist booooooo but everything was fine luckily :D
i saw mia as well there bless her she told me after my examination she envies my straight teeth
i have been lucky with my teeth
about the only part of my body that does function properly!
I went round charity shops i got a necklace with a sewing machine charm on it and a pair of tights
then i came home for a brew
did some cross stitch then just been with tiffin :)
gonna do some dance and yoga now
feels weird not going yoga tonight but we're going tomorrow instead

I had to think about my outfit for school tomorrow as helina is picking me up
from the school gates then we're going kitty cafe so im not gonna have chance to
change my outfit so i wanted to look tidy for work but casual for kitty cafe
i think i've nailed the look :)
im looking forward to kitty cafe actually
gonna be shattered tho tomorrow
school - kitty cafe (bit of shopping) - yoga
i want to just check tomorrow what bra and pants debenams have on offer when i go town tomorrow
helina wont mind as she loves that department XD

I did my BMI last night cus adam told me what his BMI was
and mine is 18.9 if it goes down to 18.4 id be classified as Under weight
which surprised me actually as i really dont feel under weight at all
not that i'm gonna go put weight on cus it will only upset my thoughts
i told adam he didn't say anything about shoving food down me luckily
cus he knows i find it difficult

here are my nails for this week
the children loved them
clouds and weather and umbrella 

 

Scratching in sleep? who does that?

Evening

Once again I did not sleep
life is becoming an endurance run at the moment
just so shattered
I was aching in the night really and also scratching
a lot of scratching
waking myself up cus im scratching my face, neck, hair, back
WHY!?
so yeah i was tired this morning

School felt like hard work
it wasnt anything different really just a typical day
I got home and warmed up left over pasta with mum
then we went shops together for a lil while
Then literally as we came home adam turned up ><

got like no time to relax at all really
although we didnt do an awful lot together
but still being with someone is draining espically when they tickle me and it makes me
move and squirm 
but its nice to have the company it is
its taking some getting used to as im so used to being by myself 
he talked stuff over with me, telling me he loves spending time with me, he wants me to be more honest and open about my condition, he wants to know how my head works (dont we all) he wont get bored of me and he's happy to wait for things to develop (if they do) he wont rush or pressure me.
so its nice to hear it all said to my face and it is slowly sinking in that someone wants to put up with me but i still have doubts that im too much of a commitment to make

i took him home
had dinner then caught up online really
tomorrow is school and i have dentist as well ><
no yoga as we're going to a friday class instead to try a different teacher!
my nails for this week 

 

What Tara gave me

Good Evening~

I slept a lil better last night luckily

My dad at school wasnt too bad really ether
easy enough I suppose and Ive really got a handle on the paper work
in fact the other teaching assistants are on about getting me to do more stuff
in reguarding to helping the child I work with
nice to feel trusted and that im actually helping

I came home had left over pasta i made on saturday
then I went to bed for an hour
just cus i was a bit tired but also cus i kinda just wanted 'me time'
time to switch off really

Adam txted saying he wants to see me tomorrow
he told me yesterday we weren't meeting til sunday!
in fact he'd rang me whilst i slept mum had answered my phone and told him i was asleep ><
i think if i was awake i reckon he'd of walked over!

Then I sorted a few bits out and stuff
nothing much cus i didnt want to do a lot really
and Im off to see mia tonight as well 
finally! so i needed energy for that!

Tomorrow I am at school
and wednesday is my best day simply cus its very easy!
and goes pretty quick!
 I've ordered a couple of face creams id like to have ago with
i'm in the mood to play with make-up as of late
just a shame stuff takes a while to come from korea or japan ><

I forgot to show what tara gave me for my birthday the other week!
its been plaguing my desk top all week!
first pokemon socks!!

Next mini battery operated lights -still unsure where to put em

Magnetic nail varnish - yes there is such a thing!

Then she's been telling me to have ago with jewels on my nails

Cute bows - I have used 2/3 already :D

and she couldnt resist making me a candle which is a tradition i feel now ^^ 

right im off to go for a walk with mia!

It's like I'm at the bottom of a well

Evening

Last night was a repeat of last sunday night
I once again couldnt sleep and lay there aching
mum said she heard me sleep talking "why can't I sleep?" ><
I was quite tired come morning but it was a lovely bright morning
so that made it all feel better :)

School was alright really the child I care for
was very tired herself so it was difficult to get her work or stay on task
but the morning soon went

I came home and had cheese on toast
then did some dancing! I had a right fun time and sweated
so hopefully i will sleep tonight
then I layed out on my bed hoping i'd fall asleep before adam came over
no such luck, he'd worked hard to finish early for me ><

We played pokemon and I watched him play as well
he cuddled me and we talked about stuff
i went and got a shower then dressed for dinner
didnt bother with hair or make-up cus quite frankly i could not be arsed!!

I had fish pie, then shared a chocolate cake and ice cream with adam
it was good a lil pricey tho i have to say

just tired
i know im tired cus i struggle mentally
i struggled about how many calories must be in the food i was choosing for dinner
i struggle with adam (i hide it well)
its hard seeing someone so often cus im simply exhausted from work AND socializing 
realistically right now my body can only handle one or the other
but once again i push myself

I was trying to explain to mum the way i feel
i feel numb, ive never had fancy feeling for guys
its never ever been there almost like i was never given the hormone 
i feel like i'm in the bottom of a well by myself and adam is at the top extending his hand to me to join him in life and some days i latch onto that arm wanting to be part of a 'normal' life other days i feel like pushing the hand away and keeping to my loneliness not needing anyone
but surely if you like LIKE someone you should want to be with them all times right?
so why do i have moments of not wanting or needing anyone?
i feel its in my genes
my dad's side of the family - his uncle, his sister. never married no kids no relationships. nothing
just alone
and i refuse to let that become my future
i do not want to be alone
but im struggling to make that jump into life. and im not sure why im struggling....
anyway enough of that its depressing me

Tomorrow I have school then im FINALLY seeing mia for a walk i believe after she'd finished work. be good to actually see my lovely sister. prehaps she can talk some sense into me!
cus when i dwell on stuff for too long at the moment i find im holding tears back!

I got this make-up the other day
its a pink eyeshadow liner i use it to line my eyes. it's brand is Lioele and its really nice actually as it's subtle i will keep posting make-up as and when it comes! 

 

First holiday of 2017 Booked~~

Good Evening~

I didn't sleep brilliantly 
for one I kept waking up with stomach ache god knows why
when I woke up at 8:30am i didnt wanna get up
woke up an hour later then crawled out of bed just before 10am ><

I cleaned my room cus it was getting a lil dusty
i like to stay on top of it ^^
Then I sorted some stuff out on my laptop
and had lunch
Tiffin has been in a mood today

Adam decided he wanted to walk over to my house
but it was raining! So i had said I was gonna fetch him
so in the end i met him a few mins from home then we walked the rest
of the way together :)
It felt good to get some fresh air even tho it was cold ><

Then he stayed at mine from about 2ish til 6pm
we booked my first holiday of 2017!
We had talked about going away and I suggested easter holidays
cus ive got 2 weeks to kill!
so we've decided to go south yorkshire (me and ed went last year)
we're staying in a old hall on grounds that has its own lake
theyres an indoor swimming pool also :D
it was surprisingly cheap actually
so for 2 nights and train there and back its cost us £71 each!! good bargin actually
so thats 3-5th april
i feel i trust adam enough other wise i wouldnt even suggest going away
and he knows not to expect anything if you know what i mean
hes happy to go at my pace and be patient 
cus if he expected me to 'give up the goods' i wouldnt go away with him. no freakin' way
we just enjoy each others company :)

Then we played pokemon i was teaching him about Wonder Trade
and then we ate the cake he brought round for me! I didnt ask him to but it was a lovely surprise
and his mum had made it too!!
then we just talked and he cuddled me ^^
tiffin went for both of us >< right mardy rabbit

tomorrow I have school in the morning
then adam has work til about 2ish then he insists on taking the bus
from work to my house then we're going out for dinner later :)

Mum went out with dad today
and she randomly brought this for me

random but cute i love it
it's on the back of my door
need to name her!

More charity shop finds

Good Evening

Man how good did it feel to not be woken at 7am!!
It was nice waking up to see 9:15
even tho that takes some time from my morning it still feels really
good mentally and physically
I got up and took it easy this morning in getting ready
I was to meet adam at 11am

I picked him up and we basically went to 3 towns
i drove of course i do wish he could drive!!
We went round over 10 charity shops
I found 2 good buys!
this jumper from quite an expensive brand for £5 it has stars and a bunny!

Then a tartan skirt i have never had a pink on before but what is great about it is

theyre actually shorts!! These were £2.99 and originally from River Island - theyre stuff aint cheap!
so good bargins ^^

At lunch I had leak and potato soup which was handmade and served with handmade bread
i had a cup of tea and it came to £5.50 really good food and great value i was impressed
adam had a flippin' burger, chips, onion rings you name it XD
The last cafe we went to we both had a scoop of ice cream
my first ice cream of the year! realy good ^^

I came home and rested really
cus i need to rest
I organized going to the kitty cafe again with helina
thats happening on the 10th march :D im gonna go after school with her :)
we're due a catch up~~
I chose what nails I want to paint this week
gonna do clouds/weather as i think the kids at school will like them

tomorrow adam is gonna come over after lunch i believe
we're just gonna play pokemon, chill out and yeah just enjoy each others company
hes very patient with me. he tries to put my insecurities and worries to rest  but its easily said than done but it does make me feel better to hear it said. he willing to patient with me, he wants to understand me, he doesnt expect anything of me, he wont get bored of me. But i still have doubts but i think thats me cus he hasnt done anything wrong its just me feeling small really.

i actually had the energy for dance last night
got sweaty and did warm down with yoga moves
i plan to do the same tonight!!! 
oh and i weighed myself this morning cus i was absoultely convinced i had put weight on, i felt big and my thoughts  were relentless. so i bit the bullet and weighed myself. i weighed my usual 54kg...how is that possible? and why was i so convinced that i had put weight on? is my head messing me and getting the better of me? bit worrying but im glad i havent put weight on cus christ that is not a good road to go down!