Evening~
I didn't sleep too well last night
I ended up waking like an hour after i'd gone to be -____-
what is the point!?
and ive been doing really well lately not scratching my face in my sleep
and last night I woke up twice cus I was scratching my forehead
so my forehead was a lil red when I woke up :(
it was healing so well!!
Life is cruel at times
I got up at 7am and sorted pets out
I was out the house for 8:20am for acupuncture
which wasn't too bad this week actually
only 8 needles and I told him how good Id been past 4-5 days
I left there and went straight down the street fr 5mins and arrived at CBT
I sat in my car txting then I had a slow walk to the CBT
cus I was early I sat and drew in my sketchbook
I was called through
found out after 4 weeks she still hasnt sent my referal for psycho dyanmic therapy...
seriously what takes so long!??!
We talked about emotions and I said even though I say "i'm peed off" or "im annoyed"
im not actually feeling those feelings im just saying it cus in the situation thats what i should be feeling. in reality I just dont get that annoyed therefor it affects the main emotion of anger
i said "i know we all have the emotion anger but i cant think of a situation that anger is needed or would make a situation better" she looked at me like id just said the weirdest thing ever
but its true its how i feel so she said i have every right to be angry
so my homework this week is absolutely brutal
i hate it
really HATE it
I have got to waste time
thats it
I have got to sit and do nothing
which goes against everything i stand for!!! im always doing something even if i am sitting down im drawing or hand sewing or something im just on the go all the time. she wants to take that away and write down my anger levels. she even said to get adam involved cus i said he's brilliant at doing nothing and wasting time.
I went home cus i felt exhausted and shaky
so i got some food and put pigs out
i was suppose to eat with adam but i just needed a minute to myself so regain some strength
went to adam's
told him about my homework
he found that so amusing >.>
and made me do my homework!!!! which honestly got my back up
cus it felt like he was winning points on me somehow and his smug face honestly
so i sat for 20 mins and did nothing it felt so much longer than 20mins
he found it funny and i about bit his head off when he said "10 mins left"
so as soon as the 20 mins were over i got up saying i needed a play fight to vent
he told me i needed to record my homework so he smugly handed me a pen and paper
i was seething
but i guess it was all that was needed really
to be annoyed and he achieved it
we played pokemon and i annoyingly fell asleep for over an hour
i was so shattered i just couldnt wake up
eventually i got up and we shared some chocolate cake
i felt drained so i went home for dinner
and thats where i am now~
gonna do some form of exercise tonight and some drawing
tomorrow i get to do as i please in the morning so im having a lay in til about 8-8:30am
in the afternoon im seeing adam he told me he's coming over after the gym to see me
so in the morning i might get some sewing done
here is some nail art i did the other week~
Konbanwa~~
I didn't sleep too bad once again
but then I did have Adam's shirt ^^
He did alright competing yesterday actually
and the weather was good cus it was all very open no shelter
the journey felt like it took a while i fell asleep on the way and on the way back
i woke myself up by twitching in my sleep my leg twitched - hit the car door and i woke up
so retarded -______-
adam came away with a hurt knee, just when it was healing so well!!! so that was annoying
his parents had done me some lunch
i was so shattered and i wasnt the one throwing!
We got back to his house and rested then had dinner which was pizza
then half an hour later i went home i could feel myself falling asleep
and i had to drive home so i decided to get up and go
Today I got up for derby with lynn
i was fine getting into town
i popped into GAME on my way to meeting lynn as adam told me theyre doing another free pokemon download so I went in whilst it was quiet
the guy on the til wanted a GAME card, I havent got one so I asked if I could use my boyfriends
he said yes and took adam's details and it went through on his card
free of course id never charge anything to him
and i got him a code for the pokemon also
just felt quite strange using his details without asking
i havent told him yet i'll tell him in person tomorrow when i give him the code
he'll be fine about it
I met lynn and we caught the bus to derby
we went round our usual places
i picked up some cheap fabric and some fabric with rabbits on ^^
we hunted round charity shops i got some black combat trousers and a pink lacy top
i picked up some cheap nail varnish to replace some of ours that are running out or going thick and finally i brought a LOAD of treats from the market for Oz
some coconut chips, banana chips, pineapple chunks, apple slices, papaya chunks
theyre all dried
and for humans haha but i buy em for Oz
it only came to £2.28!!!!! a small packet of rabbit treats is about £2 and ive been and brought about 15x as much. such good value and i needed to stock up
now he's got too much choice :) he hasn't seen the treats yet
we came back on the bus together then i waited for my bus back to my car
i drove back kinda on auto-pilot
i was so exhausted my body went hot but i felt cold, i had a headache and was weak
these all signs of me pushing my body and illnesses to a limit
i've had a taxing few days and im struggling to keep going
so i had to go to bed when i got in i just felt crap
just for an hour cus i was trying not to go to sleep during the day cus i fear not sleeping at night
but ive still got adam's shirt tonight~
since then I've watched Disney's Inside Out
the CBT therapist wanted me to watch it as my homework
cus we're gonna be working on emotions tomorrow
what fun
might do some drawing tonight~ i like getting stuck into it
tomorrow I have acupuncture 8:30-9:30am
CBT 10-11am
what a fun morning
cus theyre in the same area im gonna go into a cafe after acupuncture have a brew then walk to CBT cus theres no point in coming home between time
after CBT i will come home then I'll see adam shortly after~
Here's some make-up I happily received in the post its all from Korea
we have green color skin correction, peach lips and pink lips
amazing ^^
Morning~
Thought I'd blog now as I know I wont do it tonight
I didn't sleep too badly
but upon waking up god i was crippled!!
Last night I got a fair bit of drawing done :D
I was quite impressed with myself
My toe today looks a bit gross and is sore ><
I'm off to adam's shortly~
I shared some cereal with Oz this morning X3
I meant to put this picture up the other day
This was on my bedroom door for when I came back with manchester
my camera couldnt quite pick it up it says
"To Let Vacant"
I didnt even notice it, adam noticed it and found it hilarious >.>
thats from my dad. He'd stuck that on my door
Id only been gone 3 nights XD
It's nice to know you're wanted isnt it.
Evening~
I didn't sleep too badly last night
this is night 3 ive had decent sleep ^^ but then I have had one of adam's shirts
for the last 3 nights and tonight I am shirtless ><
I hope I will be alright~
I got up this morning for kick boxing
I thought I would benefit from venting a bit of steam so I thought give it ago
we arrived and everyone was in a damn uniform - which what i didnt want
i want to be able to turn up not buy uniform and do belts
so i said to mum im happy to go home
she said "no give it ago come on"
so we stayed
the warm up about killed me but it felt good
then we got some pads out and began punching i worked with mum
i could tell she enjoyed that and her hits were better than i thought they were
my co-ordination was better than hers tho
then we did kicking which i was rather good at even the instructor came and said I wasnt doing what they had asked to do i was doing a harder technique/kick but i was just doing what felt natural and clearly hadnt listened to what i had to do XD he was impressed tho at how quick i could change legs and how high i could get them
now heres the bit i draw attention to myself
it was the 'warm down' which was harder than the warm up!
we had to run in lines and i noticed there was blood on the floor
i kinda thought "if were running in lines and blood is in my line it must be my blood?"
so i stopped and looked and it was dripping everywhere
id cut my toe open it would seem. a 2cm cut along my big toe
it bled and bled i couldnt believe how much it did bleed and someone got first aid for me
i just sat there and cleaned it up and the guy cleaned up my blood
mum was doing the warm down and i smiled at her to let her know i was ok
turns out from pivoting on my feet i had created a blister (we were bare foot on hard floor) and then running on that blister tore it from the skin
we came home knackered
i went for a shower then went to adams
he'd been and got lunch for me
we sat around i played on pokemon whilst he watched football -_____-
then the last half hour he cuddled with me on his bed and tickled me >.>
I left and sat with my piggies when i got in
we've had pinks 6 years now can you believe!
and then i did some drawing
thats been it really
tired and pray i sleep tonight!
Tomorrow I am going to Rugby to watch adam's final tournament of the year
he's doing javelin shot put and discus his parents are going too
then im stopping for dinner
exhausting day ahead!
do my nails i think tonight
seeing as ive done my mum's and adam's mum's nails today!
oh I wanted to show this i couldnt remember if i showed it or not
Arcanine!
Adam brought it me, it's not to go on my bed it has to go on my desk to watch over me~
i didnt ask for it he just brought it me
i've nicknamed him FangFace
I'm back
I am alive
I just havent been myself and rather over whelmed with my depression
I had no idea it could grab you so badly like it did
anyway Im not gonna blab on about my suffering
I am in need of a good catch up!!!!
I thought I'd start with Manchester as thats where I left off really
So manchester was great I did enjoy myself and Adam bless him looked after me
he really did >< which makes me feel like "i shouldnt need looking after, he'll get fed up of always having to look out for me" which I did express to him but hes so laid back he was fine with it all.
On day one we arrived in the pouring rain it wasnt a very good day to say the least
and we took it easy walking round manchester and we went to an italian for dinner
i had pizza it was amazing and adam treated me
and since nether of us are into clubbing or drinking we just went and grabbed some snacks from the shop and went back to the hotel and played pokemon and ate XD
He cuddled me like all night ^^
In the morning well I wanted to get out and explore the day but adam isnt a morning person so motivating him wasnt too bad but i felt awful getting him up i kept him in bed as long as i could cus lets face it it takes longer for me to get ready than it does him
we basically went shopping really
I offered to go round the football stadium with him but he didnt want to go said it was an hour away via tram and he couldnt be arsed
i wasnt complaining
but then i said we were just spending the day doing what i wanted to do
he said he was fine with that
like i say - laid back
I picked up a few bits and pieces
some fabric for lynn for her birthday (found a craft store finally!)
some incense sticks and holder for mum for christmas
hair bows for yours truly X3
New fairy lights for round my bed as mine have had it. these were cheaper than mine too!!
a hair tie, nyanko-sensei pen, lucky cat bracelet for me
some manga i needed for my collection
after that day of shopping we went and had some oriental street food for dinner it was alright
then went back to the room at night
next day which was the sunday it was the day i was going convention
the previous day i had seen people walking round in cosplay and i so wanted to join in!
So it was good to actually be able to join in
I got up early and got ready I was quite pleased with my make-up
we got in the never ending line at 9:45am the doors open at 10am and there was a lot of people there already and many who followed us!
we took a photo together
I brought a few bits but not as much as usually buy
got a Pote-Usa Loppy bunny, Patamon plushie, Kero phone charm, Pink kitty pen, 2 anime badges
I did enjoy myself i did
but it all felt very samey
it felt like id only been there 2 weeks ago even tho it had been 2 years
nothing had changed, the stalls hadnt changed and even what they were selling on the stalls was the same! it didnt feel fresh and different. I came away thinking "im not arsed about going to conventions anymore" which is sad. so ether i need a break or im growing out of it
i would love to go to a japanese festival/convention tho but they dont happen too often
we got some food about 2pm i hadnt eaten all day and my body was shaking which adam noticed so i could tell he made it his mission to get food down me and to see to it that i was alright
we went back to the room where i slept for an hour
i was drained
i cant remember what else we did with the day just know that we went to a different italian and both had meatballs ^^
Monday came, home day
we managed to get the train fine i didnt feel too good tho
i was just so drained, tired and in pain
adam carried as much as he could to help me
we got on the train and ended up sitting facing a guy same age as us and he'd been convention also (i can tell the type of people who go to cons) we talked all the way home well i talked for most it the first half hour i slept and adam said whilst i slept the guy said i was cute despite adam telling him i was taken XD is that normal? to say if someone is cute in front of their other half? just seemed strange but adam wasnt phased by it.
my mum and brother picked me and took us home adam came home with me for a lil while
and that was manchester
i think our next trip could be whitby next month!
I will keep up to date with my diary and blog
and fill in whats been happening over the last 2+ weeks
Im currently off the rails some what
I can't remember the last time when things got this bad
I've cried a lot
I've made others upset by watching me
seeing who I truly am upset Adam
when Im bad my own mother struggles to look at me
and I scare her.
Stuff has come to light
stuff I dont know how to deal with and could be waiting
up to 6 months for the correct mental help.
Im not suicidal or self harming
Im just struggling that's all
I am alive
but doing my diary hasnt interested me in the slightest
when I am more myself I will update about manchester
13th August I have festival of quilts with Lynn too
something Ive waited for for a long time
yet im struggling to find enjoyment in it
im sure I can plaster on a fake self
I believe this is the year I am suppose to get better
after living with something for 13 years
this is the year it will change
I am confident of that much
Evening~~
I got up this morning at 8am
the morning went pretty slowly
I was getting the odd thing ready for tomorrow
I arrived at therapy a lil early
I was so anxious I was just in knots
I dont know how I even got breakfast down me
She called me through
and she talked about what we had talked about last time
my demons that I never share with anyone
I showed her some more of my art
one of which she liked (again)
so we talked about that
She got me to speak more about my demons
and how it affects my day to day life
She came to the conclusion that CBT might not be for me...
Apparently my 'condition' needs more specialist help
I am by no means crazy (she says) and my 'condition' is not uncommon
other people do suffer from it I am not alone and there is help out there
but for me to get better I need to be referred to
Psychodynamic Therapy
never heard of it
I had to have it explained to me
but she says what I am presenting to her sounds a lot like 'shadow'
She explained a bit about it and I was shocked when I thought
''that sounds like me!!''
so I gave her permission to refer me
It could take up to 6 months to be seen though...
So she says in the mean time she will keep seeing me, setting me goals and things to do and stuff, just so im not left alone for months and she says it will be good to start these things before the other therapy but she can not treat my real issues hence why I need the other therapy instead.
I left to get to adam's house
then we went to a lil town
went charity shop shopping of course
picked up a cute necklace, a peach lacy top, a black skirt with birds on
so not a bad turn out all for £9 not bad huh and the skirt was brand new ;)
We went for a pub lunch
came free with desert which was a brownie chocice I have never had one before
it was good but I didnt want to see food for a long time
the pool table sat free behind us
so we had 1 game which I won - i was on form ;)
next game he won didnt he
at this point I was happy to call it a draw
but no mr.competetive wanted a 3rd game to crown a damn winner
i won X3 have that!!!!
We came back home
I got Oz in my room for adam to play with him
I stitched a couple of buttons on my cosplay and got a few other things ready
then I sat with him and talked and time soon went really
Then it was yoga which was good actually to say my mind was else where
came home not wanting dinner so i had a piece of bread and soup
i could have gone without but mum doesnt let me off the hook like that
As I had a minute I decided to google "psychodynamic therapy shadow"
and what came up just freaked me out a bit actually
cus it was all me it really was even down to feeling like your demons resemble a wolf
i have drawn 2 wolves now. Just other pieces I read was exactly like me
almost as if I already knew about this and decided to copy it myself
which I obviously didn't
so this therapy looks for me for sure
finally might be getting help for something that has had me for the last 12 years
Anyway tomorrow
big big day! I have been looking forward to it since forever it feels like!!!
I'M GOING MANCHESTER!!!
wooooooo X3
I can not wait!
although I am incredibly anxious and will be until I get to the hotel
but it will be good im sure
I am back 31st July at lunch time
so no blogging or drawings for a few days
but I will come home with a load of photos ;)
Here is my Arcanine~
