Evening all
Yesterday I didn't sleep too bad but i felt quite unwell when i woke up
i ended up going back to bed
i told adam i'd see him at 1pm with Oz
i didnt know what was up with me, so i googled the withdrawal symptoms
of the medication im currently trying to drop and it turns out that is whats up with me
so i think ive been dropping my medication a lil too fast
1 a week is too quick it seems
i took Oz up at 1pm then I came home to drop him off and i went up with adam
to the local park for a walk which i enjoyed but it was an effort
then we came back to my house whilst i sorted a few things out for the evening
then went to his house for the evening, i ended up going to sleep for a little bit
i felt and looked like a zombie i must have looked awful
i felt like a junkie all i could think about was when my next medication was due
something weird happened on the way to adam's tho when i was bringing Oz up
a guy say about 19/20 years old was on the corner of the pavement
i was pulling up to the T-junction and he was staring right at me just constantly staring
i had no idea who this guy was, and he walked out in front of a car coming round the corner
luckily the car saw him and stopped and beeped
i just thought "what a freak thats what you get for staring"
why would he have been looking at me?
i said to mum "its probably because i looked so much like a zombie he was surprised to see a zombie driving a car" XD
I slept really crappy
I was aching and like a junkie i ended up getting up for some pain killers
and a hot chocolate i couldnt stand the pain any longer
and i could feel myself scratching everywhere cus thats what i was do
when im a bit stressed, so i thought id rather have medication than sore skin
But I had to get up at 8am -____-
felt really not that good
I went for acupuncture
i had the spoon treatment but he said the spoon wasnt getting deep enough
so he wanted to use his hands
and for a weedy looking guy i was surprised of his strength!! honestly i thought
he was gonna pull my shoulder from its socket!
i felt like id been ran over afterwards and i still had the needles to endure
i love my life XD
I got home and txted adam that i wasnt coming out
and went to bed
my phone went and woke me it was adam asking if he could come visit
and i could hardly say no i would have felt too bad afterwards
so he came and brought his own lunch so i wouldnt have to make him any
and he insisted on walking home so i didnt have to drive
i did look and feel like a zombie
we just lazed round and talked and fussed my pets
that was it for 3 hours
it was nice in a way cus i would have spent my afternoon alone
then my family comes in and it all goes stressy
my household is so stressful compared to adam's relaxed atmosphere
i envy it in a way
i had an early dinner cus i felt like it
recently i could be sick at the sight of some food or even some smells
so i gotta eat when i can
then ive just been making a card for tara and a card for my therapist
but now id like to dance
im determined to try my best cus lately every time i go to dance i get dizzy and i mess up constantly almost like my head is too fuzzy to remember the moves
tomorrow I have put my self down for available for work
whether i get any will be another story
if not im going to have lunch out with adam and go to a few charity stores
and then his house then home i believe
so i have options
and it depends if im not a corpse
Here's a really cool necklace I got in the post :D
i love bats~
Konbanwa~
I spent a whole hour last night trying to draw
tried 4 different pictures all of which were rubbed out >.>
Couldnt draw and the image in my head wasnt strong but still
those pictures sucked big time it was like my 13 year old drawings
shameful
Anyway I woke up 3 times last night turning over from aching
and my brother coming in from drinking with his mate
When I got up at 8am I felt a bit off but I got up and did pig duty and
cleaned the cages out
and after than i went to bed
i just felt done in and just not well
so i had a good hour in bed
adam was wondering where i was and he went to get food without me
but he kindly got me a chicken cob :)
i still made it to his house for lunch time
me with my red hair none of them expected that XD
But all 3 of them said how nice it was an how it suited me :)
so i was happy about that. not that adam's opinion would have changed anything XD
We played pokemon in front of the damn football -_____-
then I did his mum's nails which are chocolate themed
she loved them as she had brought me a little something
a white mug with a brown rabbit on it! looks a bit like Ozwald actually
it was a lovely surprise i was happy she was just grateful having her nails done
each and every week but they do enough for me its least i could do you know?
so i had a brew out of it :)
adam said to me "are you flagging?" i thought I was keeping my tiredness under wraps but obviously not, i told him to stop over analysing my behaviour
i said i wouldnt mind laying down on his bed for the last half hour or so
and thats what we did then i went home
got unchanged and went to bed for 2 hours
just felt unwell i hope im not coming down with anything
i had another disturbing dream this would be day 3 now
day 1 i dreamed about a dictator that i knew was a puppet i whacked him in the head and it killed him and suddenly im running for my life
day 2 i had to find a body that had been buried
day 3 (today) i was some sort of beastly monster and i had to rip out human hearts with my fangs in order to survive
just where the hell does this stuff come from!!? no wonder i dont sleep well
I got up and didnt eat much for dinner i didnt want it
tomorrow i havent planned yet cus im not sure how im gonna be
adam offered Oz to come up and then maybe play pool in a pub
but im not sure what i want to do
i'll have a think
Im happy with my red hair tho :)
Evening~~
I woke up plenty last night just aching
god i ached from yoga
that woman murdered us
Anyway I slowly got ready this morning
I wanted to look my age so I curled my hair and tried to do mature looking make up
think it looked ok
before i left i had a call from an agency and they had work for me just down the road
how typical is that -___________-
so i gave up £50 for an interview makes me sick thinking about it
I got parked up and stuff
I was to be interviewed with 2 other people
a guy my age (to which i instantly thought "crap" but i'll fill you in on that)
and an middle age asian lady
when I saw the guy i just knew i wouldnt get the job
you see MALE teaching assistants are very sought after as theyre rare
also the school only had 1 male member of staff...which isnt good actually
so i knew he'd get it just to boost the male to female staff ratio up
and like i say theyre sought after
but i did the interview to the best of my ability for my own sake and practice
I had to go work in a classroom for 20mins i was with year 4
the students and staff were lovely actually and it was a good school
but the more i learned about the job the more doubts started to sink in
i would be expected to give half my lunch time up to do playground duty so id only get 30mins for lunch, i would have regular playground duty, be expected to stay after school for meetings, stay til at least 4:15pm and it was monday to friday. all in all i started to worry that my health wouldnt be up to such a task. you would have to be very dedicated to work at that school.
after i worked in the classroom i was first to be interviewed by a TA and the head teacher no less
went alright wasnt the worst grilling ive had
then i came home and at 2:30pm they rang and said i came 2nd place and they were impressed with me. i felt relieved in a way that i wouldnt be pushing myself for 5 months but it was a good school anyway it all experience and stuff just sad i could have actually worked today
hopefully i can work next week
came home and i was really tired think the adrenaline had worn off
mum went to acupuncture i started working on mia's peg bag which i have finished actually
mum came back and she had coped fine like i knew she would she worries for no reason a lot like her mother used to. whittling is what i call it. but she came in said she didnt have the 'wuss' needles that i have to use >.> show off and she didnt squirm
we went for a 20min walk just to get out
then i went and did more sewing whilst she baked then she dyed my hair for me :)
I am officially red now i will take a photo tomorrow~
tomorrow I believe it's a usual saturday of going up to adam's
Evening~~
I only woke up once last night!!!
A victory for me~
it was 3:30am and I managed to get off once again
I ended up waking up at 9:15am tho >< late
Must have needed the sleep I guess
I felt better than yesterday I have to say
I started Mia's card
and I cant remember what else I did in the morning I know me and my brother
had a little scrap but he was armed with a baseball bat so was unfair to say the least
the fight soon dissipated tho as we looked outside and the lamppost in front
of our drive way "neighbour hood watch" van had pulled up
I have never seen that van before and it clearly belonged to the council
they were putting up a "no dog fouling" sign on our lamppost
great >.>
but what got us was that it took 2 people to do it
yes 2 people to put up a sign smaller than an A4 sheet of paper
held up with some wire
one person held the wire whilst the other cut
it was ridiculous
it was TWO people to put up a sign
what is the world coming to
i can see our taxes are spent well
jesus
Anyway Adam came over after work
he watched me tidy room from making mia's card cus the room was in quite a state
we didnt stay for long tho and went to his house
we didnt do a lot cus i didnt have long but we did go up to the shops for a drink and cake
well i had cake he had a meatball panini
we casually talked about what roles we'd do if we moved out together
dont know why that topic cus no way are ether of us moving out
nether of us are on enough money to do that
i came home for yoga but finished mia's card quickly
Yoga jesus that woman murdered us again
we were knackered honestly
i was laughing cus thats how i get through it
we came home showered and ate
then i got my stuff ready for tomorrow
my bag and clothes are ready
the last thing to do is just research the school a little bit in the morning
my interview is at 10:30am
im looking forward to being in a classroom again
obviously not looking forward to being grilled in the interview
but its all experience of course~
then when i get home i can start mia's peg bag
here are this week's nails but i have already planned my next nails and adam's mum's for saturday morning :D
I named a certain someone in my life Yin tonight
as it makes talking about her easier now she has a name
I chose a name to do with protection
I thought Yin worked well as she is the Yin to my Yang
things dont seem as scary when they have a name
Evening
Despite sleeping really well yesterday
last night was sadly not a repeat
I woke up at 12, 1:30 and stayed awake til 3am
the owls outside would not shut up
I was aching and just couldnt get off
in the end I got up for cereal, hot choc and pain killers
woke up at 8am to my neighbours balling at one another
then woke up at 9:30am shattered
Mum had cleaned the pets out whilst id been asleep
i felt so drained all i did was take my meds and have a brew
then i went back to bed
i woke up at 1pm god it was such a deep sleep like real deep
why cant i sleep deeply during the night?
i had quite strange dreams as well really vivid
I got up and had lunch then did some sewing on mia's present
and I did get it finished actually which is a good thing ticked off
i had breaks and stuff
didnt manage a walk cus just walking to the end of the garden was a feat in its self
I applied for 2 more schools
I went back to bed for an hour.
Oz has been cute today well he is every day but he's been sat on the back door whilst we were all upstairs he looked like he was guarding the house and then i sat with him with a brew and he sat so well on me it was so cute
tomorrow I should be seeing adam as i let him down today in seeing him
just wasnt up for it at all so im gonna try see him tomorrow
he says i ow him a cake like hell i do XD
I also have yoga i hope she doesnt murder us again
mum has booked to see the acupuncturist on friday!
Here is my jacket I forgot to upload
made from a purple blanket it has a kitty bat theme probably cost me around £13 to make in total so not bad at all and its soooo soft and warm I love it. I love the ears and wings. Had a lot of comments when Ive worn it :D
evening~~
I achieved something
I only woke up once in the night!!!!
It is in an achievement~
I got up for acupuncture today
I asked him to work on two points that cause me A LOT of pain
I wince to touch them and I can't have anybody touch there
it's where shoulder and collar bone meet
so I asked him if he'd have ago
so he put a needle right next to where hurts telling me its an acupuncture point anyway
i asked "will it hurt?" cus ive never had a needle there
he simply replied "yes"
I laughed at his bluntness but to my surprise it didnt hurt
he told me he didnt want to put a needle in where it hurts because the skin is thin but he he would like to try somewhere else. I trust him
He puts a needle between my thumb and index finger the fleshy part there and thats a belter it really does make your hand spaz a split second. so those were in and ive had those before now the new ones were just right next to it and my left hand jutted 20cm away from me i had zero control over that action and i yelled out in surprised pain. the right had the same but didnt jut out the same distance luckily. He then pressed the points that hurts and no pain...
no pain...
how is that possible? I've had that pain for 5 years and to suddenly go is hard to get my head round
i asked "will it be that way when the needles are out?"
"yeah should be"
i could not move my hands at all not even a mil cus the slightest movement caused hurtful spasms so i had to keep deadly still for 30mins not easy but if it means i can ditch pain then i'll do it for sure
and just as he said when he uncomfortably took the needles out, the pain was still gone
i couldnt believe it
im so happy i truly am
from there i went home and despite mum being home within the hour i rang her up to say i had 1 pain less!!!! she was happy for me and glad to get some good news :)
I went and did some more work on my picture before CBT
CBT we worked on a sheet together
and talked about relapses
she showed me a chart of my progress and i was so surprised at how far id come
my depression and anxiety had decreased so much that it was almost touching "normal" levels!!!
she doesnt want to see me for 3 weeks now~ woo
I came home and had some lunch then grabbed Ozwald and went to Adam's house
Oz played round the downstairs as usual and was even licking adam's dad's hand!!
he's working his magic on him! he'll get him under the thumb like he has everyone else XD
just give him time ;)
I left there and came home with Oz and Oz only as I thought it was best to rest
so I got home and went for a 20min walk with mum
then got a lot done on my laptop I had been putting off to say the least
I havent done much else since really
I drew this last night
took 30mins
I was quite impressed to say that I havent drawn a tiger before
I showed it therapist and adam they were both amazed and adams dad was impressed ^^
it feels amazing not to have that pain
i feel my posture is better too
wish everything could be cured with a needle i have to say
tomorrow adam said he wanted to play on his xbox with me and go for cake
not a 100% ideal plan for me but he'd organized it for a change instead of me so im going with it.
i hope i sleep well again tonight!
Evening~~
I know I didn't do my diary yesterday
basically yesterday I didn't sleep as per usual
but I woke up early enough that I could get in the shower before
I was to meet up with adam
I made the effort and wore make up and stuff
we went to the city centre and walked the entirety of it
literally
so I was quite tired but we did take 2 breaks
1st I had a white hot chocolate!!!! jesus I could have it hooked to my veins
the 2nd stop was for food I had beans on toast
I only picked up a pajama set from primark nothing special
just alice in wonderland ones and then some shampoo from savers
only spent £13
adam on the other hand i had taken him for the few odds and sods he needed
then i took him to Hopkins an antique store and antiques are his thing
well certain antiques anyway so he brought a few things anyway
We came back to my house so I could drop stuff off and get stuff
ready for the evening and we sat with Ozwald
then went over to his house we didnt do an awful lot before dinner
dinner was gammon which was nice and then we sat and chatted afterwards
and the topics got a little rude with his dad saying and i quote
"well you dont look at the mantle piece when you're poking the fire"
apparently my face was priceless when he came out with that
adam told me his dad had never said that before and he and his mum were
in hysterics i started to laugh and couldnt stop
he really is a dark horse at times, you think you know him and another new things hits you
At 8:30pm mum had txt ADAM not me, ADAM and asked "when is Jo coming home?"
seriousl!?
8:30pm and im 25!!!
I came home anyway cus i was tired to be honest
mum said that Oz didnt seem happy
so i gave him a fussing and he sat on my knee
speaking of Ozwald here is a card I made adam for his birthday it was inspired by the bunny himself, the rabbit is material scraps and the green is torn paper
Today I didn't sleep well
I couldnt get off as I was plagued by thoughts
I havent felt this down in quite a while
when I woke up in the night i chose to read just to distract myself from my thoughts
When I got up it was pouring down so all pets inside including Oz who was dead giddy about being inside. He showed me that he is capable of jumping on my bed -______-
not impressed, well im impressed he did it, but im also gutted he can do it! i deliberately never put him on my bed so his smell wouldnt go on the bed and so he wouldnt get confident to go on it as usually in the past rabbits have chewed my toys and done toilet on my sheets
I took him home and cleaned my room, did some dancing but really kept screwing up
then I sat sewing buttons on mia's present.
then got stuff ready for lunch cus adam would be joining me
he came over and we ate together
we went for a walk when the weather cleared up then sat with a brew with Ozwald himself
he cuddled me on my bed for a bit and we played pokemon
then I took him home
Saturday night I took the time to draw a picture for CBT as I hadnt done one in ages and she had asked me what my art work would be like now ive had some therapy so I drew 1 picture and I fancy drawing one tonight if not two
tomorrow I have acupuncture at 9:15 - 10:15am
so not looking forward to it as ive asked him to work on 2 points that hurt i cant have anyone touch them and it hurts for me to touch them. friends have caught them in the past and it brings tears to my eyes. its were my arms meet at the sockets and near the collar bone. it is gonna kill
then i have CBT at 12:00 - 1:00
from there i can ether go home, go to adams, or go home and go to adams or just stop at home
depends how i feel
