Evening~~
I didn't sleep too bad
when I got up I decided that Id wait for everyone to leave at 9am
and did some dancing, I didnt get that far with it all but still 40 mins of dancing
I was sweating and found it difficult
I had a quick tidy up and went had a much needed shower
Afterwards I cracked open the paints and did another coat
its looking better i believe
then I left that drying and went to make 2 birthday cards
one for my cousin one for adam's mum
made myself lunch
then I sat on my laptop for a lil while
adam rang at 2:30pm to say he'd finished work and if i wanted to see him
even tho id only be seeing him for an hour and he usually moans about seeing him
just for an hour and not to bother, and he didnt want to meet up today the other day
so I said "i cant win with you" but its me being difficult XD
He said he needed an hour
so I went for a walk with mum for 45mins
Got back to the house and went over to adams
i had a good time and messed around
im always getting up to no good
his parents said it was good to see me peppy compared to the other day when i left their house in one of the moods that keeps happening
I left there at 5:30 even tho i arrived at 3:45pm id still enjoyed myself
i got home and had dinner and mum had made cookies also
ive got awful stomach ache now for some reason
did this yesterday actually
tomorrow might go for a run in the morning then see adam in the afternoon
and may book our holiday...
Ive also got at 3:30pm my first psychiatrist session
I took a photo yesterday of the start I made on my canvas
Konbanwa~~
I didn't sleep too badly
but I didnt actually get up til 9:45am
I guess I must have needed the sleep
I went for a run this morning
wasnt as satisfying as park run but it still was good to do
came back and showered
then I drew out my painting which took a while
i ran through a few dances cus i felt like doing it
I went and painted a few things on the canvas, everything will need
a second coat it would seem
but I am awfully impressed with the paints, theyre so thick and just have a lot
more pigmentation in them compared to what i have been used to
here's what I picked up yesterday for £41
The paints come on their own box that has 4 trays in to keep them all neat
which I was amazed at i didnt expect the packaging to be such high quality
I applied to the two school jobs
didnt take too much time luckily. I can have a go anyway
doesnt hurt to try and apply to jobs
I made myself cheese on toast for dinner cus its what I wanted
Tomorrow I havent got any plans
adam is working and says he will see me wednesday
so it looks like I can paint ^^ and do as I please
so i might go for another run
maybe see mia if she can be bothered to return a text message -____-
and do whatever else i please~
Evening~
I could actually walk this morning!
Which I was glad about
I slept like crap tho so I was tired when i got up at 8am
I got up and ready and by 10:30am I was up for adam
we went to the Range where I spent £40 on painting equipment
its been in the pipe line for a while now I have wanted new paints for months!!
So i was happy to finally have earned some money to buy them with
From there we went to his house
I sat and talked about park run with his parents
the 3 of them already knew my time - his dad cant help himself but to look it up - and they were very surprised I had managed such a feat
I drove us to a local park which we walked through to go to the pub for lunch
I had soup I wasnt hungry
then we walked back and I had the afternoon at adams house
I did his mum's nails which she was pleased about
then I left at 5ish
I came home and cooked the bbq for everyone
i dont mind cooking it but my dry hay fever eyes are terrible
i wore sunglasses whilst cooking, had eye drops afterwards and could literally not see
but what can i do
mum did the washing up
that annoyed me
why does she keep mothering me and not let me do what i want to do
its almost smoothing at times
and i get frustrated
me getting frustrated right now isnt a good thing
im losing what little control i had over myself
my thoughts, emotions, what i come out with, what i do
the control is all slipping
its scaring me
i need help which is starting this week
a part of my mind needs sedating i think
I fear telling anyone the true extent of what goes off behind my eyes
in this mental head of mine
im scared to tell mum cus i dont want to scare or worry her
i dont want to tell adam he knows bits and pieces but i dont want him to know the nut case he is currently choosing to stand beside
i fear telling mental professionals in case the diagnose me with something i struggle to accept and come to terms with
i think its the whole not knowing thing thats doing me at the moment
not knowing just what the hell is wrong with me
tomorrow im thinking of going for a run in the morning
then not sure for the rest of the day
adam is working all day
so im thinking i could work on my painting!
Me today!
Evening~~
What an achievement today
seriously I am actually impressed with myself
I did the park run today so thats 5k/3mile
last week my mum put a leash on me making me promise her worrying self
that I would walk not run
well its fair game this week
I ran it!
I ran like 97% of it
last week I did it in 44mins
this week I did it in 34mins!!!
I took 10 mins off last week's time!
I couldnt believe how well I was doing
I just kept going really all the way by myself and found enough energy to sprint the last 100m
I didnt feel dead ether, I wasnt dripping in sweat
I was really surprised.
Running is really good for me at the moment as I tune the world out
I really do tune off
and thats good for me whilst i cont control my mile a minute thoughts
Im removed from pain since my illnesses, I quite literally dont feel pain that much
pain that i know would hurt others doesnt do a lot for me
so when my body is hurting or tiring or having running pains i just block it out
something i know i could never do before and during my illnesses
something has changed in the brain
so yeah achievement today!
I slept pretty decently too last night
I felt a bit rough this morning and wondered how Id do with the park run
as i was tired just walking up and down stairs XD
At the park run I managed to call mum's crew a bunch of geeks
the top runner of the group asked if i wanted to run with him i said "nah its cool wouldnt want to show you up" i could hear mum saying "shes not my daughter" XD I have untactful mouth
We got home and we bathed the guineas as they felt grimy
the bath water afterwards was not pretty...
I had a shower and my first brew of the day
i sat on my laptop for a bit then made a salad for lunch
i read on my bed but dropped off to sleep for an hour
i was pretty tired
I got up and had a brew
mum and dad went out so i hoovered my car, polished the inside and washed the outside
good job done i wanted to get done today
Later me and mum popped to TK MAXX as I wanted a canvas
i felt the need to paint and theyre local and I know they always have quality canvases reduced
i managed to pick up one bigger than A3 for £1...£1!!
but it had a scratch down it but i think ive covered it, i will check when the paint has dried
I made myself pasta for dinner and now ive got stomach ache whilst doing my diary
i want to do my nails tonight
its sodding bank holiday this weekend
so everywhere is gonna be full of happy families
and i hate dealing with busy places full of parents with bratty kids
so Im not sure what I will do tomorrow
im sure adam will want to see me at some point so i'll have that to contend with XD
im thinking of going down to the range and hobby craft as my acrylic paints are pants and going off too, maybe i should invest in something new i certainly need some gold paint for this master piece
I brought this night cream i am yet to try for £3.50
bargain!
I hope I can walk tomorrow XD
Otsukaresama deshita!
I've done it!
What an achievement for me to be able to work a full week
to exercise and carry on with life
and not die!
I can do it!
Maybe this proves that my illness really is behind me
these last 3-4 weeks I have felt 'normal' physically for the first time in 8 years
Maybe I can keep working full time
I need to find a full time job now
ganbarimasu!
So last night I did in fact sleep not to bad actually
hay fever was bad this morning, it was raining and my hay fever usually gets wound
up by the rain
It was art day!!!
And my day was BUSY serious very very busy
but it was nice to be an actual teaching assistant not working 1 to 1
1 to 1 bores me and cus i had to be on the go all day i didnt have to sit down 1 to 1
i was a classroom assistant
i didnt get break time as it was indoor play and i was asked to work whilst the teacher
supervised the class
i worked through my last break too
i didnt stop basically and it made the day go much quicker
A mum of a child came in to talk and help as she was an artist and brought her art work in
which was paintings and there were good actually
made me want to sit down and paint!
I showed her my digital pieces and she was impressed ^^
Straight after school I went to Nigels
I had 16 needles and a harsh massage
my back has a lot of purple patches from bruises, already...
my pain threshold it high tho as i think "ah this pain will pass in a few mins"
im good at handling pain which i know others wont tolerate
hard as nails
I told him "I take it like a man" he said "or you could say a 'strong woman'" I said "yeah but im not a feminist" that made him laugh
he says my energy felt brighter and clearer as this is the first time he's seen me since ive been feeling 'normal'
I came home and i was hungry and couldnt wait for dinner
didnt do too much actually
i banged on Little Britain, a comedy series from my high school days to make me laugh
I watched another episode of House with Oz last night
but tonight Friday Night Dinner is on so im watching that instead of House
Im restless but I my body is physically tired
not sure how this evening will go at all
im a bit all over the place
Tomorrow I've got my second park run :D
well looking forward to it
Oh and I forgot to show photos of the guinea pig cushion I made for mum~
Evening
I'm almost there! Just one day to go!!
Yesterday I whipped out my complete boxset of House
I havent seen it in years!!
House was another series I religious tuned into whilst I was in high school
why am I revisiting these high school series? XD
I decided to start from season 5 as thats where I can remember from
I have A LOT of episodes to watch with Oz to say the least
Last night I managed to get to sleep
I woke up around 11pm choking, I think a spider must have crawled down my throat XD
only logical explanation XD
I got back off but I woke up at 12:30
something woke me like an internal alarm, something saying "something is wrong"
I woke up with horrendous stomach pain
Ive had stomach pains course I have, but this was something Im not sure Ive had before
or if I have Ive not had it in a long while
I was in agony
I had to get up outta bed as I couldnt stop moving trying in vein to find a comfy
pain relieving position
nothing was working
i went downstairs
I was panting
I was pacing
like being in labour XD
It was awful and I tried going to the toilet, I tried eating
and after an hour the pain did fade to a dull ache
if it hadnt i was almost gonna wake mum as i wondered if something serious was happening
it was horrid and I was trying to think "what did i eat today!?"
there is no explanation
I was highly peed off that another day of the trot of me not sleeping when i have work
I told mum in the morning about my stomach as it felt like id received a swift kick to my guts
I tried to eat a bit of breakfast
At school it was school picture day so the kids were lively
the morning was dull and I was thinking "how will i get through the day? How will I get through tomorrow as well?" My stomach hurt and felt empty so I robbed 2 biscuits from the staffroom
I came home for lunch and didnt stop
dont think I hardly sat down at all actually
but beats sitting in the staffroom not talking to anyone
in the afternoon at school well it wasnt too bad
and i went outside on play ground duty when it wasnt my duty
i got thanked for it
I got told at the end of the day "tomorrow is art day. Art all day!"
is there any sweeter words? ART ALL DAY
that is perfect for me and my soul felt lighter and that it had been saved from more tedious maths and english work. I told the teacher i love art she said "wanna teach the class?" XD
So tomorrow looks brighter for me
I got home and I saw this had arrived
My Sakura Koi water colours I fawned over
Finally have come!
I sent this photo to adam and quoted underneath "my idea of porno" XD
Can not wait to have ago with them!
I had a brew with mum and caught up with her, texted adam, got stuff ready for school tomorrow then went out to yoga
yoga was good and wasnt too hard. I had a hay fever attack typically
so that annoyed me
God I hope I sleep I really do
I will watch another episode of House with Oz i think
tomorrow art day, then going straight to Nigel's
tomorrow I would have completed a full week of work
I cant remember the last time I did such a feat
Konbanwa~
I didn't sleep well
even after going for another 20min run which i totally enjoyed
I used to run all the time before I got ill, not doing it and not suffering afterwards
has almost got me addicted to the feel of it again
So I felt I was gonna sleep last night
and around 11pm I did in fact nod off to only wake up at 12:15....
i had only been asleep a sodding hour
I was gutted to say the least
what had woke me was i was having a dream that all my pain had come flooding back
and it was agonising and everywhere. I was screaming whilst in the fetal position
so no wonder I woke up
I went and got up til 2am
I was tired for school
School was maths all morning as there was parents coming in to be taught maths by the school children, all a bit of fun and its good the do such events
came home for lunch
during lunch I had got an appointment to see the psychiatrist on 30th May, was shocked to the text message said May and not June!
I rang up a school for a visit after half term as theyre advertising for a job
brought some make up off ebay
busy lunch
and after lunch I was quite literally dropping off in class
it was like a green house in there and it was boring
so at break i went outside for a bit to wake me up which did help
the days are long and dull but im over half way done now!
I got called a teenager twice to day by students XD
I left school and went to adams house
we talked and he cuddled me a lot like i was gonna disappear or something
i find it so hard to give the affection back
i left before his parents got home otherwise id never get away
since then ive caught up with a few things on my laptop
but i think i will do yoga and dance tonight instead of running again
good night for running but i dont wanna ache too much for yoga tomorrow XD
Tomorrow is school and then yoga~
Here is the 2nd tshirt I got from Bodyline
