Konbanwa~~
I've been awake since 5am
I am shattered!!!
Sick of this crap
I went for a run at 7:15am
how i have the discipline to keep going for runs at the crack of dawn
i'll never know
I got back and showered
the run was a hard ask
when I get home I've been taking my medication then
and when I came in I just looked at it with utter loathing
hate it
what goods it doing?
I took it, day 6 I believe or is it a week now? i'll have to count
I got into my room and changed my bed
then I had a big clean of my room as I knew I needed to tackle it
id done everything by like 10:30am
adam hadn't even woke up!
My brother left for greece around 11am
well mum took him to his friends how who hes going with
and he called us just now at 7:30pm to say he's got to his hotel and he's tired
glad hes got there and he's safe
been thinking about him
im ok without him at the moment as sometimes i dont see him all day
but i know come day two or day three i will start to miss him
i cant imagine living apart from him
im quite attached to my brother
so i know im gonna find this week hard
especially the way i am at the moment
I went and applied to two summer jobs cus thought its worth a shot
and then i had lunch with mum, i couldnt eat all mine
when id finished, my Kimono came in the post!! so fast!
i havent tried it on yet, it needed a serious iron which mum has kindly done for me
then after the excitement i went to adams
we sat talking with his dad
then went to play Crash, i wasnt feeling it but i felt al over the place today
couldnt control my thoughts at all, zero control what so ever
after a few attempts of us dying we gave in
then he came cuddled me
he then said if i wanted to go for cake or ice cream
i turned down both but said he could if he wanted to
i felt like throwing up and i couldnt be doing with the mental aftermath for something i wasnt going to fully enjoy so we just went round a few shops
he ended up buying me a house plant
i told him not to as i didnt need another one as i have the rose one from last time
god knows how its still living!
then we went back to his house and eventually i reluctantly went home
i ate my left over lunch and my dinner
and since ive had awful stomach pains
sick of this crap
if i was normal and mentally well i wouldnt need any medication
ive decided id like to have ago painting these 4 small canvases i have
so i might start that tomorrow maybe
tomorrow adam said he'll come see me after work
so at least i have company as i'll be home alone
My nails this week
I had another episode today
thats 2 in one week and i havent had any in ages
i start medication and bam 2 in one week
i have little control over my thoughts and over other things it would seem
Evening~
I woke up at 6am on the dot
just how am I doing it?
like a built in alarm clock or something
its rather annoying
I got up at 7am and made a last minute decision to
go for a run, man did I sweat
very sweaty afterwards
My morning, I watched my brother pack for his week
holiday in Greece which he goes on tomorrow
I put some songs on my ipod
and I cant remember what else I did
the afternoon, adam didnt go to his interview
decided against the crappy job that is was
so i went to see him, but before i did i went and had ago on
my brother's BMX
man its hard and i physically dont have the strength for a lot he can do on it
when he first started doing it i told him his muscles had improved and more defined
i can bloody see why now! i knew it was hard but man its hard
then I went to adam's
we sat had a brew
then we went to play crash bandicoot but i kept dying
and lost patience with the whole damn thing
so i sulked on adams bed
he shortly joined me when he kept dying as well XD
we both sucked today on that blasted game!
he cuddled me and then i felt off
these tablets are awful
i feel sick a lot, i have a banging headache, i cant think straight
and im shattered all the damn time
im hating them
and they havent improved anything as of yet
sucks
how long do i give it? im thinking to give it to the 14th July which is when
i see the psychiatrist at least then i would have given them a good shot
but the 14th is a whole month away and then some
Not sure what im doing tomorrow fully
i know id like to change my bed, clean my room and maybe see adam
i know mum wanted to hang out but i might do that with her on friday
friday mia wants to see me as well
I took a photo of the Kanzashi I made, it's ok i guess
i had an 'episode' as well today
first time in a while and came so fast and out of no where
Evening~~
I was in bed for 9:30pm
Im shattered all the time, I feel like being sick and my stomach feels
like its rotting. So there are the side effects
but im still waiting for anything good to come with the tablets
it annoys me when I get side effects but nothing else
doesnt seem fair
I woke up at 6am but luckily fell asleep til 8am!!
And another good thing today was that it wasnt baking!!!
we had hot periods but nothing like the relentless heat its been lately
So this morning I sat and read trying to relax
but i cant do it
and in the end I went to a sewing shop I havent been in yet
the women were really nice and pleasant and i managed to pick up some
ribbon for Kanzashi I wanted to make
not the ideal ribbon but still ones i could actually have a go with
then I came home and did some lunch
Then cus I was home alone, it was cool
I danced~~
I enjoyed myself and 40mins passed really fast
i was dripping afterwards, hair stuck to my forehead
the sun had decided to come out whilst i was dancing but i was enjoying myself too much to care
i was indoors so i was fine
mum came home and saw the state i was in XD
i went for a shower
then sat doing Kanzashi~
I did make a flower hair clip, its alright I guess
then I helped mum with the dinner as she wasnt feeling too great
i struggled eating dinner but did finish it
i later on sat at my desk doing the water colouring i still havent done
for tara and james's engagement card
maybe seeing them tomorrow too
so i need to get it done just in case i see them
tomorrow i usually see adam
but hes gonna go gym and then he's got an interview for a job
i cant say im thrilled about but letting him get on with it
its his life im not getting in the way
the interview is 2 hours long, why, god only knows
so leaving him to it tomorrow
then might see tara in the evening if all goes well
not seen her since before she went america and got engaged
tried this only once, its a make-up base
and it was good but its been too hot for make-up lately
Konbanwa~~
I woke up through the night and then been awake since 6am
good job i went to bed at 9pm
sick of these early mornings theyre making the days so damn long
these hot days are long as it is never mind putting in extra hours
i got up at 7 anyway
I did some japanese this morning
feel like i want to go back to basics as some stuff hasnt stuck
then I was looking at Kanzashi and how i wanted to have ago making one
ive two hair clips of it but fancied having a go myself
so went out to the shops i could feel everywhere heating up
think it reached 31c today
mental
but i guess this is the first proper summer we've had in years
I managed to buy some ribbon but the shop didnt sell ribbon wide enough
for what i needed it for but i decided id have ago with the widest they sell
i got home and began
yeah doesnt quite work the same when its not as wide /:
so i went on ebay to look at the right width ribbon but it wasnt cheap
and it probably works out the same price as actually buying a finished
kanzashi hair clip
so not sure what i will do there
i had some lunch even tho i still felt like tossing my breakfast up
sick of feeling sick!
then adam said to come over at 1:15pm
not sure what we'd do but to see him anyway
and seeing as i had the rest of the day to kill i decided id go see him
i managed to see mum just before i left as she'd been into the city centre
with my dad for clothes for him, mum had kindly brought me a new pair of pajamas too
i was grateful as theyre dusky pink and with stars on and in the sales!
and good quality too as im sick of buying cheap pajamas that dont last
i got to adams and i sat talking a bit to his parents
but adam wasnt joining in as usual and his dad had the cycling on
and i wasnt in the mood for that crap so i left the room and adam came and made
me a brew i said to drink them upstairs were we went to play Crash Bandicoot
i laughed so hard as adam must have died 25 times trying to do this jump
and on his last life i said "can i try?" i did it first time XD
oh yeah im that amazing
i laughed at him
i painted his mum's nails i did whales on them which were quite
successful actually and then adam suggested going out for a drink
so i reluctantly agreed to go walk out in the heat
i had pineapple juice, he offered me cake but i didnt want cake
i couldnt be doing with the after math of me eating some cake - mentally
we walked back to his house
and i was annoying him best i could until in the end he told me to go upstairs
i went cus i knew or hoped id get a bit of a play fight
and we did have a bit of one but without getting stupidly hot
i kinda stopped tho half way as something dawned on me
one point adam smacked my butt i said
"hands off man"
he said "no"
I said "hands off, your trespassing"
he said "im not trespassing, i own your butt"
i said "no its my butt"
he said "nope its mine cus you're mine forever and ever."
and this is the bit what got me
"cus you always say no one else would, everyone else would run a mile"
and that sentence is in fact one of 'my' sentences i say
about myself
having heard it said by someone else hit home a bit for some reason
it didnt hurt exactly it was more like a worry and how much truth is in that sentence
without adam would i truly have no prospect with any other man?
and im not talking about my looks as i wouldnt want any man to like me solely on looks
its more i have my mental issues and my excellent power in repelling men
if someone else got to know my issues would they truly leave?
it just suddenly gave me a lot to think about
adam asked what i was thinking about, i replied "nothing"
after a cuddle i decided to leave
came home and its still hot
my brother has got a girl over
not been introduced but not arsed
tomorrow not sure what im doing as of yet
think its gonna be 25c tomorrow so maybe getting a lil break from
the full on heat
this is the needle felting i did yesterday
made a kitty, my needle felting needs practice!
Evening~
I woke up a fair few times after going to bed shattered at 9pm
kept waking cold cus id kicked the covers off myself in my sleep >.>
I got up at 7:30am
mum went for park run i was left behind
sucked
but Id got a hair cut to attend to
which felt good to have done i must say
I came home and i did some cross stitching i havent touched
in quite some time, and i did some reading just basically making the most
of being downstairs in the quiet before my dad got in
when he comes in i go straight to my room
as always
I had lunch which i really didnt want but mum was there
so theres no skipping there
then i went in my room and found a picture id drawn on mangastudio ages ago
decided id work a bit on it
the afternoon dragged actually the whole day dragged
then at 4:30pm my parents were off to go for a walk in 29c heat
in a woods somewhere and i felt pressured to go with them so i did but didnt enjoy it
i felt tuned into dad and his boringness
i couldnt wait to be home
ive been sat in my own bubble all afternoon
just cant stop thoughts really
then i felt sick at around dinner time again
perfect when were having bbq >.>
i sat the entire time doing a bit of needle felting
and its taken me over an hour or maybe two
but ive finished the little cat i was working on
its not brilliant but i think its quite cute
would be better in lighter colours but its all i had to work with
now its 8:30pm and close to bed time thank god cus ive had enough of the day
im gonna paint my nails tonight
not sure what im doing yet tomorrow
only seeing adam if theres something decent to be doing
oh my pin number came today
yup i was wrong
how i get something wrong ive had for 3 years is beyond me
its like the brain connection i had to the number fizzled out and no longer existed
even now i feel like ive got to re-learn it
such a spaz
here is the picture i drew for my brother
Evening~~
I have been awake since 4am
yup 4am
im so damn tired!
I woke up and had a whole hour of dying of hay fever
then just couldnt get back off to sleep
these early morning starts have been happening since saturday morning
so thats almost a whole sodding week!
I've felt pretty sick today think its new medication
cus i dont usually feel this sick
This morning I went for a run at 7:30am
best doing it that time of day as its a lot easier
and more enjoyable too
I came back showered and then at 10:30am I went to see Mia
I told her that I was on anti-psychotic drugs and she didnt seem phased by it
she doesnt know why im on them tho
and we talked about stuff some deep stuff some fun stuff
I told her how im not affectionate towards adam and she said something that
made me interested
"what would be the difference between you and a friend?"
"how can you make him feel that you are the only one he will experience certain things with"
i kinda didnt think of stuff like that
i push him away a lot and i know it must not be nice for him but i never thought
how other aspects must impact on him
especially as he is quite an affectionate person
i must suck as a girlfriend
but he knows me and he can deal with me XD
i came home and had lunch not that i wanted it but with mum
there, there was no getting away with not having lunch
just didnt want it
then we went to tk maxx i got 7 pairs of pants and 6 pairs of socks
just stuff i needed oh and i new bra as well~
then we came home it was very hot
I sat drawing my brother's picture which I have finished now
and that took a lot of my afternoon
think i drifted off for half hour as i was so damn tired and it was hot and humid
humidity is awful lately
tomorrow im not doing park run as ive got a hair cut at 10:30am
whether i run in the morning i will see what time i wake up at
hopefully not the crack of dawn
then im not sure what im doing with my day after that really
not got any plans
i got these in the post this week!!!!!
They feel amazing so smooth and varnished and the
handle is longer than the red ones i have
these ones were only £1.70 as well, such a bargain i love them
and these were used in a real Yosakoi festival!!
theyre not as noisy as they only have the clappers one side
I took my red ones to show mia today and she was impressed with them and wanted to dance with me using them, so who knows it might happen and it might not but she liked them
Evening~~
I once again woke up at 6am
whats with waking up at the crack of dawn lately!?
its really annoying
I woke up feeling shattered, like really drained
I wasnt planning on a run anyway but it confirmed that I
wouldnt be going for one!
I got up at 7am anyway
I got ready to go look round a school today
I was literally there for 10mins but I hope it helps my application
that ive taken time to show interest in the school
be a miracle if i got in, i love village schools
and the class would be on 23 students...that is sodding unheard of
its at least 30 students usually
it would be a dream but something tells me i wont be that lucky
So anyway I came home and I tried to dance
did a run down of the Onepixcel dances Ive been learning for an eternity
and I did some Yosakoi too
but it soon got very very warm
after 20mins i was dripping and decided to stop otherwise id end up
showering 3 times in 1 day
I decided to work on the picture i started for my brother last night
cus he did such an amazing job at uni i thought id do him a lil something
thats the start of it
im gonna play around in photoshop for certain bits
so I was doing that til lunch time which was when - in the space of 3 mins -
adam showed up, followed by dad, followed by my brother from Skegness
peace and quiet shattered
adam asked if i had eaten lunch i said no
just didnt want it today
he made me actually made me get food i made cheese on toast but didnt want it
ate half and chucked the rest, food isnt doing a lot for me lately and today i lost all interest
he asked what should we do
but with 29c outside i was reluctant to a do a lot
in the end he suggested that we go his to play the new Crash bandicoot game
i have wanted to see it as I loved Crash Bandicoot Warped as a kid
so we set off for his house on the way I dropped my prescription in the chemist
At adams we sat winding his dad up or shall i say i wound his dad up XD
then we went to play Crash which was good actually
and then we had a brew and then talked a bit then just as I had 10 mins left
i said "im gonna pick my tablets up on the way home" he said
he actually said "do you need them?"
I said "are you actually serious? i mean this has gone on for weeks now and you havent said a thing and the day i go to start my new medication and your asking me if its a good idea!!!"
i couldnt believe he had said that to me
he said "well your sleeping has been good and i dont want you sick with side effects"
i said "ive come this far, ive even had a sodding blood test for this, i feel if i dont try this i will never know, and i wont take them if theyre not doing anything for me"
i just couldnt believe him
i picked up my medication - Carbamazepine and when I got home I started them
see how I go I guess
cant go on as I was and if they dont suit its anti-depressiants for me
these ive started are anti-psychotic
i cant get my head round that im on anti-psychotic drugs
makes me feel like i should be in a nutter house
from there I went yoga with mum
and of course Karen is still off so we had last week's teacher
and she does things so slowly and its good when its so damn hot and humid
if we had karen during this heat we would die
literally
so its probably come at a good time
tomorrow think im seeing mia in the morning
do i tell her im on anti-psychotic drugs?
then in the afternoon gonna go shops with mum as we're both tearing through socks lately it seems so i said we'd go out and hunt for socks
