Evening~~
Last night at 8pm mum went for a walk round the neighbour hood with me
it was nice i enjoyed it
enjoyed her company and being out in the evening
evenings are long and lonely
every night and evening is the same, im by myself even tho im in the family
home i feel alone
i guess most people spend it with their other half or something
but i just dont /:
its sad
so last night i tried some of the oil i made at karens thing
didnt take me long to drop off and i had vivid dreams
i woke up in the night to get comfortable again and then drifted off
woke up 8am and felt like id had a deep sleep but i couldnt wake
cus id taken Calms as well
bugger those Calms tablets are
not gonna bother with them tonight i'll just use the oil
put it to the test to see if last night was fluke
i had a slow morning of not showering or dressing til 11am!
in the mean time i printed out some templates of some plushies
i want to make for birthday presents but soon realised the fabric
i was gonna use isnt gonna have the desired affect i want
so i left that and danced but ive not had energy all day and my joints hurt
mum let me feel her knee joint when she moves her leg so i could compare it
with my own as mine you can really feel
she felt mine and it made her feel sick XD
yeah i have an issue that i cant wait to get sorted
i had lunch whilst being home alone which was nice
and then i quietly read manga
got 2 more books to read of pandora hearts!!
cant believe ive been collecting since my college days of being 17 years old
and i finally as a 26 year old find out the ending XD
i did some more dancing
did yosakoi mainly as i had a quiet house
but my body hurts from all the dancing
still think im fat and over weight despite all the dancing i have done
done some yoga also
stitched a design onto a hoodie i had
seeing as i couldnt do the plushies thought id sew that
designed some nail art to do for mine and adam's mum's nails
just cus i wanted to do a doodle
tried to play my zelda game even though ive only done 1 hour on it months ago
i couldnt understand where to go next so i think ive got to start it again
and make a better start of it XD
just not that into games right now but i want to be!
tomorrow mum has rearranged her work shift so she can come Derby with me
i didnt ask her and i was fine going by myself but she wanted to come
so yeah we're doing that tomorrow
as basically i want fabric for these plushies
fabric i cant get round these parts or pay the earth online
should be a nice morning with my mummy
then not sure rest of the day
might go for another walk tonight
do some japanese in a few mins
my nails this week~
Konbanwa
I didn't sleep well last night
woke up at 3:30am as joints didnt feel right
was awake and got up til 6:30am when i fell asleep again
id taken Calms so I wouldnt wake early but cus i didnt fall asleep til 6:30am
i ended up laying in til 9:15 0.0
doesnt usually happen
i dont usually lay in past the 7am hour ><
but i guess there was nothing much to get up for
not like I can go for a run >.>
it was a txt message from adam that woke me
he was awake before me! he was awake before 11am on a sunday!
two shocking revelations
I didnt do a lot in the morning
i sat and did a test the agency sent me i have to do each year about child protection took me an hour it had the most poorly written multiple choice questions ever and i thought "im failing this" as i needed 90% to pass.
turns out i got 24/25 so yeah i passed
somehow
wasnt going to see adam but i could he really wanted me to go up
so i did kinda thing
we didnt do anything
it has nothing but rained all day here
so its not like we could go out anywhere really
but i was bored we just did NOTHING
most i did was eat a biscuit and do his mum's nails
that was it
so as soon as 3pm came round i was off
id only been there 2 and half hours but it was enough
i came home had a brew with Oz who hasnt once been outside today
given him the option by opening up his cage but hes done bugger all
so i sat with him then me and mum went to Karen's yoga room
but to have a session on 'Doterra' essential oils
it was an hours class but it went so fast
major information overload but didnt expect anything less from Karen
we made up a little oil each to take home
mine is for relaxation and sleep so im gonna give it ago tonight and see it works
we came back and even tho it was still raining i said to mum i would BBQ
the meat she had prepared
so yeah didnt mind doing that
dad stood round but never spoke a word to me
as is our relationship it would seem
did some japanese
ive nailed Katakana and Hiragana I do believe so i will move onto proper learning
now i wanted to get those done as i knew most of them, i could read all of them but it was remembering how to write all of them. but done now
i do believe theres 92 in all to remember 0.0
gonna read manga tonight like i have been doing
not much more to go!
tomorrow totally unsure what im doing
might start some pokemon plushies ive got to get done for friday
here is the picture i drew in 20 mins the other day
Evening~~
I had a bad evening
I was low a lot yesterday
after my shower in the evening
i just felt so crap about life and asked myself the question
"why do i keep going?"
im not 100% sure if im honest
i had thoughts about how dull life is, where is life heading, what do i want from life
and the one that scares me
would i feel better if i self harmed or just killed myself?
hurting myself isnt something i want to do or have done
but that thought does keep cropping up
i think its cus i get in such a low state i dont know what to do
id almost try anyway
mum found me crying on my bed at 9:30pm
she listened
i didnt want to tell her if im honest
she deals with enough as it is
but she listened
and said the words "life if what you make of it, if you need to be in a different country or do something totally different with your life then thats fine you do it"
'life is what you make of it' huh
its true
but it boils down to that trouble i have
that everything falls on MY shoulders
everything is up to ME
no one can help or be with me
its always down to ME and me ALONE
alone, loneliness..
i told mum im lonely. a lot...
i spend a lot of time alone, my own company, with my thoughts and illnesses
i have no one who truly gets it and can help steer me
my friends are all shacked up with their other halves
they have all moved out and happy spending their time at work then evening and weekends with their partners and i get it i do, life is different from when youre a kid and you go see friends whenever and friends have less responsibilities as they dont have a house to run
i do understand
doesnt mean i have to like it
im alone in the evenings, why do i at 26 sit alone in the evenings?
arent other 26 year olds out and about? or with company?
so confused with life
i dont know what i want anymore im not sure what the right direction is
and until i have that figured out i have no direction to go into
i dont like not having a direction, a goal
i got Oz out and sat with him
then i went to bed practically crying myself to sleep
i woke up at 8am
not doing park run...real kick in the teeth
i cleaned my pets out then i danced
i do feel my dancing is slowly getting there
also my joints feel better, not perfect, but are healing
as the start of the week i struggled doing some dance moves but they felt better today
i showered then got my quilt out
basically spent quilt a few hours working on my quilt today
had another dance session in between time to stretch out
then i finished my quilt, done and dusted
so nearly 100 hours since i started here it is~~~~
its so quirky i love it!
its taken the spot my anime quilt had
the change of scenery is refreshing
im pleased with it and keep looking at it XD
i was sure to have a brew when i finished!
i got in my car and drove down to the river and walked along
side the river for half hour
didnt listen to music listened to nature
i just needed to get out the house
remind myself i am in fact alive
i came home and did myself a facial
toner
foam wash
face scrub for 15 mins
self heating face pack for 15 mins
showered~
then made myself dinner as my family
is having take away pizza and i really dont want that
dont want the food or the anorexic thoughts that come with eating the pizza
cant cope with thoughts lately
not wanted food past two days ether
sat and read manga on my bed
i read pandora hearts volume 20
4 more to go!!! 4 more til i find out how this amazing story ends!!
anime has nothing on the manga as usual
might run through my hiragana and katakana tonight
and sit with my Ozwald
mum didnt do park run today
she was entered into a race with her friends that didnt start til 5pm
she managed it :) 5 miles shes done well
tomorrow not sure what im doing yet
guess it depends how i am
got a workshop karen is doing at 4pm
Evening~
I ached man in bed
took 3 types of pain killers to numb my pain
i did fall asleep around 11pm so wasnt too bad
it was yoga that made me ache
karen worked us hard
but she did the dragon dance with us which was good as its like tai chi
and its movements you learn in a sequence so its like a dance to me ^^
I woke up at 7:45am
felt sad about not running
i want to run, badly
its crushed me in a way as i feel its another thing my body or illnesses
have taken from me, and over the years they have both taken A LOT from me
running has been added to the list
I rang up the chiropractic clinic my parents use and have used for over 10 years now
im going on thursday to go see if anything can be done to help my joints
didnt like the feel of even my shoulders knocking in and out of place during yoga
sick of it
got ready to go city centre with mum
i was numb to the world today, in my own bubble as it were
its like drowning and you get so far under you just give up and let yourself drown
im not happy and havent been happy for a long time
i do feel like giving up
no aspect of my life is giving me happiness or if it is i dont feel it
like i said, numb
so we got into the city around 10;30am
mum got the bits she needed
i brought a jumper in the sale for £7 and a iridescent t-shirt for £6
never worn a t-shirt like it, its see through but shimmers i liked it
and said id wear it on holiday as you can see everything
i have a bralette i can wear under it
we came home for lunch i didnt want food but ate anyway
it keeps raining today like random scattered showers very annoying as girls havent been out and i was gonna go for a walk
i did some sewing
i eventually got the border on took a while but got there
made the straps for it to hang off as well
so now it needs a good iron, attaching to the backing blanket then quilting and done~
looking good~
quilting will be difficult tho i know it will
i sat and had a brew sat with Oz on the sofa whilst drinking it
he looked shattered XD
eventually i laid along side him reading my kindle
didnt realise he fell asleep whilst i was stroking him!!
bless him! never had a rabbit fall asleep whilst touching them!
so sweet he is lazy
i did a little bit of drawing, digitally
need to photograph yesterdays pen drawing
looked at dances i want to do
want something else to learn for some reason XD
so ive picked Predianna Let Me Alone
did it a few years back but i like the dance and want to try again
knowing i can do better these days~
tomorrow i would be doing my 11th park run with adams parents in a wood
the whole thing is a kick in teeth
be weird not going
i will find another way to entertain myself
tonight i might start that dance
in my room, havent danced in my room for such a long time
might read manga too!!!
might do japanese too ive been currently cermenting in my katakana and hiragana
just about nailed them
i can read them no trouble but remembering to write them and their strokes
is something i need to cerment in
this came in the post today
flag that basically says 'ice' kinda like the japanese version of a sign saying 'shaved ice' or 'ice cream' what i make out anyway, just see it on anime all the time
saw one on ebay for £2.80 and wanted it
not sure what i'll do with it yet but i will think of something
Evening
I slept normally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
first time in absolutely weeks!
I fell asleep around 10:30pm and woke up at 7am
so not bad at all~
would have been a perfect morning to run it truly would have been
but my joints are still hurting, im hurting if im honest
just my body aches, its being thrashed too much
so i said i'd dance, think mum was happy i wasnt running
so i danced for 30 mins which was good as i practised more Yosakoi
but without the Naruko as my brother was home
can be annoying XD
From there I showered and did the sewing I wanted to get done
cut out my border but didnt sew any of it as adam turned up from work
of course instantly theres an atmosphere
mum was right in a mood and it makes me in mood
so i a bit off with adam i literally cant help but push him away
it must be hard
i was bored and fed up
so in the end i took us to a park to walk round
me as usual doing the taking
walk was alright i was quiet, deciding id let him do the talking for a change
he tried i guess but he's just dull
we went to his house and his parents were both off work
so i saw them
and it was the first time ive seen his mum in almost 3 weeks
she said she'd missed me
his dad challenged me every given moment
so its me him batting it off whilst adam and his mum just laugh
it passed time, guess i didnt mind it even tho i am the court jester in a way
feel i just go up to entertain him and his family
i came home for yoga
all id done at adams was sit and talk to him and his family
so i was glad to come away but didnt know if mum was still in a mood
she had chilled out a bit
adam even asked if something was wrong between me and mum and said
he could feel there was an atmosphere and he has never said that before
perhaps he can feel my mum doesnt want him over
dont why mum is being hard work with it all
adds to my confusion
i know my parents dont think highly of my choice of relationship
but what can i do right now
makes everything harder
we went yoga
karen had a week off last week today was her first day back
jesus it was mental it seriously was
shes crazy
my body hurt, shook, and aches and is tight
positions i dont usually have an issue with have been getting harder lately
and its due to running
so i talked about it and im gonna give running up
its doing more damage than good it truly is
its making everything hurt
and aggravating my hyper mobility syndrome
its a crushing blow but ive got accept it isnt right for my body
ive only got one body and ive got to listen to it.
i dance and do yoga so i'll go back to how it was
sad isnt it when i was doing so well
im planning on ringing up the chiropractic clinic my parents go to for a free consultation to see if they can help my joints of its my hyper mobility getting worse and theres nothing that can be done
got this in the post a lip balm its really good stuff
can see why its usually £10 but i won it due to no one bidding
so it was mine for £3
doing nails tonight
tomorrow city centre with mum!
Evening~~
I was downstairs on pain killers and doing yoga
til 1:15am
fed up of it
i even subjected myself to a rank sleep tea!
did bugger all
I woke up at 7:45am listening to mum leaving for a run
i usually accompany her on
she didnt even wake me >.>
we agreed to give my joints a break today which has been hard
ive wanted to run but my joint hurt
I got ready to see Lynn today
i went to go meet her at a park and ride car park
but it was rammed like it was christmas or something
turned out it was some religious thing so loads of muslims
filled the car park up to walk to this religious thing on the field near the car park
so i had to turn out the car park and drive down the road
i texted lynn saying i was a 10 min walk away
i saw her and it was good to see her
she looked much better than i had expected
i must say ive never really had to deal with cancer
my auntie died of it but i was never around her when she was having treatment
so i wasnt sure what to expect
but yeah she looked good :)
we went round this tiny market
i could tell lynn was weaker than what she was last time tho
so i carried stuff and she looked for a cafe to sit and have a drink
there was none so i suggested i get my car pick her up and take her to one
that was a disaster as i said id pick her up from the car park as there
was no where suitable close by to pick her up from
got the the car park and all the muslims decided to leave didnt they
so i was effectively blocked in the car park
eventually got to lynn and we sat in my car for a while til we could get
out the car park
i drove us to a town and to a cafe me mum and adam frequent and so does lynn
she treated me to a brew and beans on toast
we talked and talked
we talked about mental health and i told her whats up with me
its amazing how she can relate to what i have
i told her i'd been on Cabramazepine and she said
"that one gave me fits. isnt that for psychosis?"
i was like "yeah..."
we walked by a few shops and i saw my first christmas thing this year
yup already
i kid you not, its August 22nd a 4 months before christmas
thats a 3rd of a year before christmas and theyre getting the stuff out already
it was a giant cut out of santa
god knows why they wanted that in the window
unless they wanted to get egged XD
she asked if i could take her home
i felt tired but i did it as i know shes not strong
i stayed at her house for an hour saw her husband Den and spoke with him
then i left
i decided i'd be an alley cat today and stay out all day
i drove to adams unexpected to him X3
he was happy to see me tho
and i felt better today that yesterday
just the way the moods flow
we didnt do much adam was crippled from physio he'd been too
his back is bad but he was told his hip was out of alignment and thats why he was having such trouble with his back
i left for home, had dinner and danced for 15mins
dont feel ive done a lot of exercise today so god knows how tonight will go
usually full of thoughts about how fat i am, how much weight i have to lose
all cus i havent exercised much
fun!
i got this in the post today etude house
sun cream for my face for when i go abroad complete with free samples as usual
tomorrow unsure as of yet what to do
probably exercise, quilt, maybe adam, then yoga~
mum keeps telling me how tired i look lately
Evening~~
Last night I took 3 Calms tablets
and had a sleep tea
I havent had sleep tea in ages Id given up on it and it tastes horrid
so i avoid it
I made a mug up last night
my brother says it smells like a bin (after he'd sworn twice)
my dad said it smells like a tramp's arse hole
i have to drink it!!
but i think it did help as I fell asleep just before midnight
woke up at 7:30am feeling tired but its those calms tablets they
make you groggy at first
I picked a wasp up by the wings today to get it out my brother's room
he HATES them makes him swear and everything
he told me to F off twice when he saw what I did XD
absolute shock and disgust XD
He says his friend is coming over this week to bleach his hair and dye it silver
i was quite envious as when i was 17 i really really wanted white hair
i had really short hair at the time, kinda like a pixie cut so it would
have looked sick but i didnt do it in the end as it would have wrecked my
hair and not to mention the roots would have been annoying
I danced this morning
got sweaty quickly as its been humid all day its been horrible really
i went for a shower then pretty much worked on my quilt
its all one piece now! took me ages to applique the flowers onto it but
done it now! so it now needs a border, feel im on the home stretch of finishing it
worked on it for a few hours today anyway
this is fabric i ordered from Korea for the border
cleaned up for mum
went online and checked a few things
no one got back to me about dance lessons
theres a film i want to see, an actual film XD
cant remember the last time i saw i film!
its called Your Name
knew about it from last year but came across it again today and want to see it
its on Netflix but when i checked my brother's Netflix it wasnt on
so i believe its just the American one its on
well annoying
the DVD is £8.35 /:
not sure whether to buy it or not really
Adam insisted on seeing me today
before he did i danced and got hot and sweaty
it was good tho as i blasted out music :D
see adam...
ahhh that was difficult
he came and he said "you have no emotions again"
i just kept pushing away and away
i couldnt cope and i told him and i told him hes making this difficult for me
but i could see he couldnt understand just what was going off in my head
when i dont understand or confused or unsure i withdraw and thats all i wanted to do
but he kept on
he said "i cant feel your walls going up"
he tried to kiss me and said "see, why did your back arch like that?"
not my fault i was tense
he has no idea
and i tried to tell him and he said "you cant bury your head, you say you fight through life but you dont fight whats going off in your head"
it is true that
i told him "i cant understand why you still bother with me"
he said "because i love you, why do you even say that? do you want me to go?"
i said "sometimes i want everyone away other times i dont want people to give up on me, im so conflicted and dont understand whats going off"
but it was nice that he stood up against me instead of letting it pan out
he said "you are hard work today"
i thought i must have been for him to say that
i did eventually relax a bit tho and tried to enjoy his company
dont know whats up with me
its not his fault i just wish i was normal and had normal emotions so i could work stuff out
he left, he walked to mine and walked home
he hasnt done that in a very long time
usually im ferrying him around
he says his parents have been asking about my whereabouts XD
cus im usually up and ive only been up once for 2 hours in the last 2 weeks
not sure what to do tonight might read manga
which is what ive been doing past few nights just on my bed
i grab pandora hearts im on vol17 next
tomorrow i believe i am seeing lynn
my god i havent seen lynn in over a year easy
shes currently having her chemotherapy and has lost her hair
so it will be a shock to see her but i just want to see her
were going to a market
i dont need anything i just want to go see her :D
