Evening
i continued laying on my bed last night for about 3 hours just listening to music
mum came to see me a few times asking if i was alright
i told her i was
she asked if there was anything she could do or if i wanted dinner
i didnt
i just wanted to be left alone
i got up and sat with Oz then tried to eat some food about 9pm
then went to bed
Didnt sleep too bad but woke up a few times
i got up at 8:30am
I finished my christmas cards, decided to only make 4
but i think theyve turned out alright really
should be able to give them out this week~
I showered and attempted some dancing and yoga
but i felt so exhausted
my body ached and felt heavy
i have really struggled today
i fell asleep after lunch
jack txt me to say did i want to come over
i said i wasnt going to
he rang me up >.>
he said he could tell i wasnt right and i said "no im aching and tired"
he said "do you want to come over, watch anime? ill make dinner you can have a bath"
i said "no its fine"
he said "shall i come see you?"
i said "no it would be a waste of your afternoon"
he said "what would i be doing instead? and seeing you isnt a waste of my time"
said "you have theo and games and your gaming session tonight"
he said "thats true but its my job to make your life suck less"
i said "jack its been 9 years another day isnt making much difference to me"
he said "i cant make you come over but if you change your mind you know where i am"
i know its probably wrong of me to say but i felt like he just wanted to see me for his own benefit, maybe im wrong. i just couldnt be bothered to drive over, to sit aching in his cold flat, to talk and be polite to theo and then sit doing something whilst he games tonight and then get ready for school in the morning. i just didnt want any of it all
and i thought if i mattered that much to him he'd come see me no matter what
but yeah he never did
but im glad as i was not in the mood for company today
i was just dead
i think it was the acupuncture sometimes i feel worse before i feel better
i have had to rest today
its been a waste of life and a waste of a day
weekends are precious and ive wasted mine recovering basically
im still so tired and in pain so i dont feel its done any good really
im going bed early cus i cant be bothered to stay conscious much longer
sick of all the thoughts, the pain and the aching
might treat myself to stronger pain killers tonight
tomorrow is school
ugh
school again
but still only 10 school days left!
tomorrow i have a practical im unsure of but jack said he'd help
i will need that help im sure
then after school i should be seeing tara at the pub for a drink (tea) then coming home and having dinner, i will be tired to say the least as monday is my busiest school day usually
so yeah one dead Jo tomorrow coming up~
here is the football coaster i did for the secret santa at work
its turned out well
here is the picture i drew
Evening~~
I didnt sleep too bad last night
still woke up at 6am cus of my body clock I guess
but I went back to sleep til 8am
when i did get up i saw my dad this morning who for no reason what so ever ripped into me, so that was a nice way to start my day
he's also ripped into my brother
so all in all ive stayed out of his way today
jesus
I did 15mins of dancing this morning
then showered and then went out for my hair cut
just had a trim really
tidied up before xmas
I picked mum up some festive winter bouquets from a shop
and when I got in I arranged them for her
she was pleased with them ^^
she does so much for me
i had a brew and went on my laptop for a bit
did 40 mins of yoga and my hips felt a little bit better from acupuncture actually
then i had lunch with mum and then went to bed
cus i wanted to really
got up and decided to do some christmas cards
i wasnt going to this year
but i have done 4
and thats all im doing
so i have water coloured them and when theyre dry i will outline them in pen
ive done pokemon for jack, tara and mia then final fantasy for my cousin
hopefully they should look good when theyre done
and ive sat and done that all afternoon
think jack texted me at 3:30pm saying i could go over
but i figured he could wait although it is 5:30pm now....maybe i should txt him XD
dont know if i can be arsed to go over or not tonight to be honest
but then i feel im only gonna get moaned at if i dont go over :/
i should go over really
not sure whether to go for a walk or not
it is a bit chilly out but its been worse
my body is tired
im sick of it being tired too
i want to get on with stuff!
so yeah tonight im not 100% sure what im doing yet
if i go jack's i guess ill be with him tomorrow
but its kinda like 'what we gonna do?'
its cold and busy everywhere and i personally dont wanna waste my weekend
even tho a part of me knows I DO NEED TO rest >.>
we shall see
here is the dice bag I made for jack for xmas
its a cog fabric as he has a thing for cogs, i also sewed actual cogs onto the fabric
the inside is lined with splatted triangles
im pleased with it and i hope he likes it
Evening
well aware I haven't been on here for a few days...
Tuesday I came home from school early
just before lunch as I just wasnt picking up
but i had said to jack i was gonna be the next day
did not happen
what did happen however on my tuesday night
i received a txt message from my phone company
stating that they had failed to take payment from my bank account
and if i dont do something about it, it could lead to termination of my contract
i had only just last week changed my bank details on my contract
so i pay instead of my dad
i rang the phone company up after telling my dad
as unfortunately the contract is in his name not mine
i was on hold for 40 mins no less
meanwhile my dad had called me stupid and a waste of space
crushing what little confidence i have in myself
i felt so poorly as well
i got through to someone who spoke bad english
and she cut me off after a minute on the phone...
i had been on hold for 40 mins
my dad called me all things under the sun
i hyperventilated, ran to the toilet to dry heave over the seat
followed it up with a panic attack and my mum trying to calm me down
my dad was on hold on the phone
he rang his bank in the mean time and they said phone company had terminated the money on his bank account which was correct
i rang my bank but my dad spoke as i was too upset and choked up to breathe let alone speak, and they said they hadnt stopped any payments and all was fine
we got through to my phone company
turns out it was a total scam, and i wasnt the first one to ring about this tonight
so all this was for nothing
everything was actually fine
i felt sick tho as when i checked the original text message it had asked for some bank details, which i typed in, but it took me to my online banking page - luckily i do not have online banking
so i closed it down
but i worried about the details i typed in
so i phoned my bank again - this was now 9pm think we started all this at 6:30pm
they cancelled my card and put a fresh one in the post
just for peace of mind really
i went to bed exhausted
my body shook with every movement i took
the illness i have is a 'stress' illness and reacts very very badly to stress
what had happened truly stressed me out and i wasnt feeling well in the first place
and i cant cope with such an abusive father
when hes like i think "all the bridges i try and build, all the progress i feel i have made with him. its been for nothing. we're no better than what we were years ago"
he never tries with me
i always try with him
and he still hates me, he still thinks nothing of me
and it hurts
im his daughter
and he treats me like that
it awful
he apologised but only after mum had pointed out what an arse hole he'd been
he put his hand on my shoulder as i sat at the kitchen table, numb
just that action of him touching me made me throw up in my mouth
i had to deal with the mentalness afterwards tho
i wanted to cut myself
i wanted to die
i wanted to hurt him
i wanted to scream
i didnt want to wake up
i didnt want to feel
wednesday
i woke up to my alarm
i sat up and laid back down again
i felt like crap
and its all because of him
i would have been able to go to school if it wasnt for his behaviour
not that he would care
so i stayed at home
home alone all day
i didnt ring school
i didnt text jack
i was disappointed i was still alive when i woke up
my phone rang at 8:30am it was jack
obviously concerned about my whereabouts
i told him i wasnt well, he insisted on coming over that night
i told him i was fine but he insisted
during the day i made jack's dice bag which turned out really well
i will upload a picture as im pleased with it
i slept
i sat with pets
i didnt go yoga as i was still dead
jack came over i made us a simple dinner
and we just laid on my bed
he insists we meet this weekend
i told him just about what happened tuesday night
he made me promise to call if im ever upset
that is a hard task i have to say
he left at 9:30pm i was shattered and went to bed after i saw Oz
Today
i got up for school
not feeling 100% but determined to go
half the science staff werent in as they ether dont work fridays or were on a science trip
so i knew it would be an easy day
julia was on the trip so it would mean jac being alone all day
and i didnt want that
head of science saw me in the morning and could see i looked rough
but i told him id like to get through the day if i can
and i did, somehow
i did think at some point i would go home as i felt bad but i managed to keep going
i got soaked in the rain going to the bins
so i took my polo shirt off, leaving my long sleeved top on, i just heard from the prep room office "keep going" i turned to jack and said "you total perv" and laughed XD
we laughed and joked a lot today actually so it was nice
monday doesnt look too bad
ive got one practical im unsure of but jack will support me ^^
i left school and went to Nigel's
he basically said the reason why i cant digest food, why my lips are blue in the morning, why im pale, is because my energy is at an all time low. my circulation and digestion is compromised so he treated me for that and pain in my hips
i came home, showered and put pyjamas on
and had dinner
im not exercising as i dont think i physically can
im grateful i got through the day
im gonna sit with oz now and then do my nails then go to bed
tomorrow i have a hair cut in the morning
just a tidy really
then not sure after that
i know jack wants to meet up but just see how the day goes
it has been weeks since we spent time together
him coming to see me last night was the first time out of school we've seen each other since 16th november
so i think i will sleep over on saturday night
Konbanwa~~
I slept like a log last night
but i was still very tired physically and mentally when I woke up
to be honest it took me til about 12pm to stop feeling rough
school was fine
nothing much happening
it was just a hard slog really
body was just so tired
but i got through it somehow
the last A-level practical with powdered milk went really well ^^
so i was able to finally clear that away
dont know what the next big practical is...dread to think
i also had to varnish the back of 30 leaves.... what a dull job that was
and a waste of clear nail varnish in my opinion
i was ready to come home i felt like i was about
falling asleep on the way home
i sat with oz and mum with a brew which took a lot of will power
as the desire to go to bed was incredibly strong!
im surprised i resisted but i knew i really wouldnt sleep
tonight if i had gone to bed
so then i rested
knew i HAD to do exercise but really really didnt want to
but somehow managed to do half hour of yoga
god only knows how
feel like i still need to do more
i have eaten so badly last two days
been so many cakes and chocolates at work
and cus i have needed the energy i have just eaten whats there
its really bad and i have so many thoughts about how fat i will become
but yeah i needed to get through the day
and they were my beacon of light when i was desperate
but my stomach has been off past two days almost like its struggled to digest the sheer amount of sugar i have pumped into it ><
need to cut back for a week at least
i cant remember if i uploaded this or not yesterday but its the coaster design i have done for my secret santa - head of science. took me about 10 mins to draw
i managed to get another sale on my digital art too on sunday i think
its nice doing little sales, doesnt make feel like such a bad crafter/artist
tomorrow its school
and i have no practicals going off
so i will have to pass the day some how
tonight i was gonna paint my nails but im so tired
i doubt i could concentrate on them
Konbanwa
I had weird dreams last night
i was some sort of bug that was the size of a cat
i was finding my way through this really abandoned city
with these other creatures, creatures that are more like monsters
very weird. then the whole place began to flood and the monsters came to
hunt those of us who were small
i panicked but soon realised i could breathe under the water
i was hiding behind fallen rubble until a man sized monster found me
he reached out to grab me and i woke up then
thank god i did wake up
it was 9am
i watched truffle running laps in the hall
she bombs rounds her agility is second to none
she is in a world of her own
tillie isnt bothered about running with her
she joins in for one lap but then soon stops but happily watches her sister
molly just lets her get on with it
i had a shower this morning
then i went out to the shops
i just brought a bra in the sale for £5 its so silky and soft ^^
and some leggings for the christmas party
and some face oils to try
i did try on some dresses but i didnt look right
wearing woman's clothes looks odd on me and doesnt suit me in the slightest
i left and went for a walk down the river which was cold very cold
i came home and had lunch by myself and then went to bed
my body felt tired
i got up and had a brew
then i wrapped the guinea pigs up ready to go ~
then i started working on the secret santa present
ive drawn it out ive just got to rub bits out and scan it in then get it printed as a coaster
then done~
since then i havent done a lot
i could do stuff if i push myself but not sure whether to or not
might save my energy and practice dances tonight
or sort my ipod out ><
jack sent me a txt at 2pm asking to see the guinea pigs
i havent txt him back nor have i shown him the pigs
im just not in the mood for it all today so i feel im best of staying away
unless i say something i regret later on
not sure how i feel about seeing him tomorrow at work
sure i will be fine
not sure if he went hiking or not but ive gone past the stage of caring
cus he's ether stayed in all day playing pokemon with theo or gone out with scouts
ether way im not bothered anymore
if he wants to do his thing i'll continue doing my own
not much of a relationship tho
but saves me getting hurt and disappointed
tomorrow is work
it is gonna be a full on day
as soon as i get in ive got chemicals to make up fresh
and other equipment to set up like 5 water baths....
im gonna be shattered tomorrow
wonder how cold it will be
this has been the scene thats greeted me both yesterday and today
thick thick frost
Evening
Didn't sleep great
woke up at 6am and thought "sod that" then woke up at 8am
thats more like it for a saturday
i was with the girls this morning
then did 40 mins of dancing and yoga
i was sooooo sweaty afterwards
but it felt good to work out and i did really well too ^^
then i went on my laptop for a bit
had lunch and went to bed for 2 hours
my body was just exhausted
working all week still takes it out of me
in the afternoon i started the last 4 guinea pigs
and eventually got them finished
so theyre all done which is a good feeling
they look cute too my brother and mum like them
get them sent off soon~
i still have many other projects to do...
jack woke up at 11am really hungover but said it was good night
i only got on drunk txt message at 12:30am saying he misses me
so i told him today if he still misses me he knows where to find me
he said he was gonna clean up the mess and go shopping
which i thought was fair enough
and i kinda thought he'd come 'kidnap' me as hes being saying he would all week
and that he wanted to spend saturday night together
kept saying we need to spend time together
but he told me today hes going hiking with scouts tomorrow....
so i asked him what he was actually gonna do today
turns out theo has brought a switch today with pokemon
so thats what hes doing...hes gaming. AGAIN
once again im put on the shelf for games
it hurt
and it made me question a lot really
like 'am i important at all to him?'
i know i need to have it out with him
to be honest i was so upset tonight that i told mum i no longer wanted a relationship
that i was better off alone
as that way i wont get disappointed and let down
i felt foolish for letting myself get close to someone
mum said jack has been disappointing lately, he never actually does anything for me, this relationship or does anything he says hes gonna do! but that maybe its his autistic side and that hes not intentionally being selfish and thoughtless, hes just wrapped up in his own world
which is fair enough i understand and its no excuse
but i said i dont think he can change
and mum said it depends on how much i can put up with but that i do need to talk to him
i cant really face seeing him monday...
just constantly let down by him and it wears thin. im also fed up of crying over this relationship and the fact he doesnt know how much i shed tears over him
had enough
im having an early night as my eyes are stinging from crafting and crying
crafting and crying, the two things ive done for the last few weekends!
tomorrow
i have other craft projects to crack on with
i will photograph things i make
Evening~~
Kinda slept ok
but was happy when i woke up to see it was friday
although 3:30pm seemed a mile away....
it was freezing this morning
i thought it was gonna be an easy day too
until i looked at what was needed for monday....
my god i have got a busy day monday
i have chemicals to make up - which have to be made on the day
i have stuff to move between classrooms
just loads to do its gonna be mad and im gonna be shattered...
jack said he'd help
head biology asked if we would take money from the tea & biscuit fund
to go asda and get advent calenders for all 19 members of science staff
(yes we have a lot of staff due to part timers >.>)
i looked at what else we needed to stock up on and in the end ask jack
to come with me as i was gonna get all that myself
so we got advent calenders
i got white chocolate and so did jack
finally i have one this year, last year i brought myself one
and once again no one brought me one this year T^T
so its nice having one but i cant say im that fussed
i kept busy thoughout the day really
but i had my coat on before 3:30pm
i was more than ready to go
i had awful stomach ache after i ate my lunch
i was weird today as i actually felt hungry
it has been weeks and weeks since i have felt hunger
so i couldnt wait for lunch and when i ate it i had bad stomach ache
but lately ive been having that anyway when i eat but not as bad as today
i got home had a brew with oz and mum
then danced
not much but enough as i was dripping
i would have liked to have done more but that wouldnt be listening to my body
showered
then pretty much listening to jpop whilst looking at japanese fashion
jack is out tonight with the guys
so i might have drunken text messages later we shall see...
but at least he will be out for the count tomorrow and i can get on with craft
he invited me out with everyone but i thought 'its cold and i cant drink'
im more of a liability than anything so i opted out
besides i want my saturday to craft
i said to mum im unsure whether to see jack or not at the weekend
hes been saying we need to spend time together but yeah i have A LOT to do
so i told mum i made a decision
if jack comes over on saturday and actually you know - makes an effort - i will see him and sleep over at his on saturday night as he as requested i do this weekend
BUT if he cant be bothered to come get me that forget it im not doing the running around and i will spend the weekend at home.
i will not tell him this, i want to see if he is capable of making an effort off his own back
mum said it seemed fair
so thats where i am at
ive told jack hes welcome over any time and he might have to whisk me away from my crafting
right im gonna sit with my lad
tomorrow i plan on sewing these last 4 guinea pigs
drawing my secret santa present
making christmas cards
making jack's present
hell i have so much that needs doing still...
