not filling my clothes

Evening

I was up til midnight as i just couldnt sleep really

got up this morning and mum had the girls in the hall
they stress me out XD truffle is running everywhere and molly oinks for more food...
i cleaned Oz out
then i sat looking at this diet i have got to go on
ordered a book on it too

did 45mins of dancing/yoga which was hard but felt good
and had a shower
by this point it was 11am and i realised it had been nearly 24 hours since 
i had last eaten so decided i should get some food really
i had a piece of cheese on toast
gave me a bit of stomach ache but not too bad

jack came over after lunch to see me
he'd been out for 3 hours in the morning with theo finishing his 
christmas shopping he said everywhere was packed
we werent going out for lunch anymore as his step dad wasnt feeling well
i told him he's welcome to come over but it wont be exciting 
because theres no where we can go everywhere is packed and wet
but he came over
we sat and had a brew and talked
then went for a walk before i fell asleep
then watched anime and then i walked him to the bus stop
he was having people over tonight for drinks then going out for drinks
i was invited but there was no way in hell i was going 
im shattered anyway

my parents were having take away pizza i was offered it
but couldnt face having it
so had a bit of bread and a yogurt 
but its hurt my stomach a bit
feel like its getting worse
and im convinced ive lost weight on my chest and butt
cus everything falls down on me and when i looked at the bra i had on 
i wasnt filling it...and im sure i used to.
but i wouldnt know if i have lost weight as i dont weigh myself
it makes me a lil mental to say the least

tomorrow i am sorting this table cover of mia's
wrapping hers and jack's christmas presents and also mia's birthday present whilst im at it 
might do some drawing too

its only 8pm and im so tired
body is tired and eyes stinging
go to bed early i think
not sure what i will read in bed tho as i finished reading the book ive been reading for weeks its the first 5 books of Overworld Chronicles which i have enjoyed it was like 1700pages! 
theres 18 books total and like £3.80 each :/ so i will find something else to read

Finished for 2019!

Evening

Did not sleep
didnt sleep til 2am
i ached and couldnt sleep
but laying in bed all day and not exercising is literally the worst thing i can do to myself
so it was to be expected
i even got up for a hot chocolate but it made no odds

i was shattered this morning
truly shattered
it was nice not having to have a cold shower tho as i think that would have finished me  off
i got to school and waited for jack
he was questioning whether i should be in or not, guess i looked bad XD

i did all the little jobs i needed to do before we broke up
we took the lift at around 11:30am to go to julia's car as she had brought in a load of glass ware from her husbands work place, soooooo many bottles. about £2000 worth...
i got in the lift with jack to go back upstairs
upon getting out the lift i almost fainted....
i know i was asking a lot of my body but i was almost there damn it!
julia saw and her and jack helped me into the print room opposite the lift and i sat in a chair
shaking
i told them id be fine
few mins later the school nurse pops in....ugh
me and her are like BFF i feel XD she sees me so much and not for the right reasons
i told her i was fine i just wasnt doing wel and havent been digesting food properly for 7 weeks now, she asked if i had been doctors i said no. she said i should go for a blood test to see if i am lacking any vitamins and stuff. but hell with that. i aint volunteering myself for that
i got up and walked to the prep room where i sat at my computer and typed up a tech guide
then it was lunch
christmas lunch no less
it wasnt bad actually
and the cake and custard at the end was good but tiny portions >.>
luckily for me chris gave me his pudding ^^ so i was happy
but also incredibly full
and the stomach pain soon encroached upon me
at this point we were going home anyway
i got home and went to bed

got up and still had stomach pains
had a brew with Ozwald
then laid on my bed with stomach pains
its 8:30pm and the pain has kinda gone but feels burny now
mum didnt make me eat dinner i told her i ate so much at lunch i couldnt face more food and more stomach pain

did a bit of dancing
got to the end of onepixcel's final call
i want to do girls dont cry next which doesnt look too bad

tomorrow im gonna dance in the morning 
well id like to anyway
not sure how dead i will be 
then not sure what i will do
at 2pm im set to have a lunch out with jack's family
not sure yet if im seeing him before or after the meal
see what he wants to do 
hes got a night out with the lads in the evening so i know im not staying
he says i can go out with them but hell no on that one
last saturday before christmas.....suicide 
but what i will do with the rest of the day remains to be seen
i have mia's table cloth to do and her present to wrap
as im seeing her sunday evening

right im all done with school now til i think its 6th jan
have all that time to literally recover
and start my new no-fun-diet 
it is good knowing i can recharge tho

home again and missed christmas yoga

Evening

I was so tired when I got up
it was hard facing another cold shower and cold house
but i got on with it
telling mum i wasnt feeling that good but hoped i could see the day through

got to school
and no one talked about the bowling and meal evening i missed in front of me
head of science said it was sad id missed  it but maybe i can go next time
i didnt feel well really
and i know i looked deathly
by 10am i made the decision to go home
i got a bit teary but it was out of frustration 
i feel like ive missed out on everything lately and everything is getting taken away from me
i told jack life isnt fair
i felt shaky, dizzy, exhausted and sick
i wasnt good
and i thought when i come to smelling those rats i will be sick
so i went home

i was in my bed at 10:40am
and thats where i stayed til 6pm
i had cheese on toast for lunch other than that i just fell in and out of sleep
getting up at 6:30pm to do dinner for me and mum
as she went to christmas yoga
so that made all 3 of my christmas events gone from me
i had missed them all
dad had a go at me about my diet cus of course his logic is always correct
so i argued that back 
cus thats what i felt like doing after spending the day in bed - an argument
but he couldnt care less
asked if i was going school tomorrow
how the hell should i know!!? course id like to bloody go
im going anyway whether i not i make the whole day remains to be seen
jesus

had a shower and plaited my hair
so im not showering in the morning
i get an extra half hour in bed tomorrow cus of not showering
im only at school til like 1pm so i can shower when i get home
having christmas dinner at school tomorrow for free
its christmas jumper day so im borrowing mums as i dont have one
it might drown me a bit tho
but still im going and i want to finish the day
fed up of feeling so crap
not done any exercise today just cus i havent been able to

missing out and secret santa

Konbanwa

couldnt sleep last night
had a lot on my mind
mainly school and rats...
had horrific nightmares about the suffering of guinea pigs
i was so done when i woke up this morning

school was hard work like a real hard slog
i got there and went straight upstairs to julia's prep room
to see my rats
i needed them at 10am it was only 8am but thought id get them out
until i smelt them...
my god they smelt far worse than i thought possible
to say there were in a sealed bag...
i left them in the fume cupboard
started talking to julia who saw me
then my phone went off 3 times it was jack wondering where i was
as it was 8:15am and he hadnt seen me so i came down to him
to report that yes i was in and yes i was on time
he said he wasnt bothered about that he was just worried

the dissection was bloody rank
the smell and everything 
i could hear them being hammered and jack shut the prep room door
i put ear phones in as i really didnt want to hear what was happening
they put the bodies in the bag so i didnt have to deal with them
but still had the blood soaked board to clean and the instruments....
just ew
the smell was turning my already sensitive stomach, over and over again
i managed tho for the first class
second lot of dissection was after lunch and i couldnt bring myself to do the boards
the smell....theyre wooden so soak up blood and smell....
jack did them they were only 3 to do
he could see i was finding it all hard

during lunch tho we did secret santa
i got a 365 day art book which seems pretty cool and thoughtful and also white chocolate!
so i was happy
jack got a game of thrones cook book which seemed a lil naff if im honest
especially as he doesnt like game of thrones and he doesnt cook much!
i told him about thrashing myself to pieces last night
and how i wasnt going out with the department that evening
he gave me a hug and said how much it must suck for me and that he wondered if he could do anything. and there isnt. i can rely on him just about during school. i cant rely on him outside of school.  so i said it was fine and missing out on stuff it just part of my life
i didnt tell anyone else i was skipping out
i couldnt be doing with that question 
"why?"
no one knows, no one understands

i felt so rotten after lunch
i had stomach ache and felt sick and dizzy
jack told me to go home but i didnt want to go home
it got to 3:10pm and he told me to go home but i didnt want to
i said it wasnt fair if i got to go home early
but by 3:40pm i was shaking and everyone came in the prep room
i couldnt think and i had had enough
so i got my stuff and left
it hurt knowing they were all meeting up later and i wasnt

i came home and sat with my piglets and Oz 
had a brew, complained to mum about my stomach
and begged her to not make me eat dinner
i told her i couldnt handle anymore that night and sitting with a stomach full of battery acid will finish me off. i went to bed and she didnt wake me for dinner
so she heard my pleas 
she doesnt usually let me 'get away' without dinner
but i think she could see how low and fed up i was

jack txted to see if i got home ok and said everyone was better than him at bowling
i told him to have fun

since then i have done 45 mins of yoga
whilst my body shook the entire time with sheer exhaustion 
but i have to do something
life is cruel
and id be lying if i didnt say that sometimes i want to jack in my life
ive had enough
im so done im so tired and drained
ive got 1 and a half days left
im hoping i can do this
tomorrow theres 2 more dissections then done for a whole year with rat dissection 
i hope i can do it
then christmas yoga to push my body on through

hope i sleep tonight

missing out and thrashing out

Evening

i was learning final call by one pixcel last night for 50mins
but dont feel i can remember much of it XD
didnt have dinner again
3 days in a row without eating 3 meals

didnt sleep well...
nightmares about my other half
its been going on for weeks now, pent up thoughts and nightmares
its like having a wolf at the door
and i hate it
so i was quite tired this morning

it was cold this morning
cold and frosty and a fog came thick and fast
making the day dawn at like 9am instead of 8:10am
it is depressing how i start work at 8am
so the sun hasnt even risen by time i start work....

anyway work was busy
just running here there and everywhere
so much for my quiet day :/
i got the rats out of the freezer...i tried not to stare but the mind is a morbid thing
well mine is anyway
i covered them up so julia wouldnt be looking at them all day
i had to teach the head of science a biology lesson as he hasnt done before
i was only taught on friday how to do it XD
but yeah that was fine but was more running around
had to supervise year 13 for 20mins as their teacher had to leave cus of her sick child
so she asked me if i would let her class in, tell them what to do and let them leave
i was fine with it, jack never gets involved with classes but i like being in them
and ive had lots of nice comments off staff and students about my hair
my hair i still havent photographed...
its cus im at work during day light hours and i forget 
i finished updating one technician guide. my first one done. theres like 30....
but felt good to get one done and ive condensed it down so much
so its a lot lighter to pick up and handle
i had science club and it was simple but nice
and i think i have more i can put up on the display board which will be good
but that was tiring in its self

jack looked tired this morning
i tried helping him with this physics practical but i did it wrong (course i did)
and he corrected it
i said "forget it"
he said "i did wrong my first time too, dont take everything as a criticism"
i dont, well i dont think i do
but when it comes to science he has to have his say, his touch on it
cant just take my word for it or just let me do it
like a control thing and sometimes it really annoys me
i tell him "undermining me again" or "telling me to suck eggs again jack"
yeah sometimes i have no patience for him
i left him to it
made him a coffee to try and put him in a better mood
i told him how his place was an utter tip and he'd made no effort for me
he said it was theo's stuff and i said "no your room was a tip too"
he said "my room is tiny and has everything i own in it"
i said "even my brother tidies his room and makes his bed before his girlfriend comes over"
he said "yeah ok ill make more effort"
he wondered if i was coming over tonight
but i made out id forgotten
so got off the hook with that one
he said his mum had txted to see if he and me wanted to go out to lunch or have lunch on saturday, i said id try to as i havent seen his family since september or october
but i shall see
he's got a night out on saturday night so at least id be able to come away and not have the spend the night over there. i shall see

speaking of nights out
tomorrow is the science christmas due and also secret santa during lunch
i came home crying today
i was so tired, achy, and stomach hurt
i was upset cus i was tired but also because i know i cant make tomorrow night
its bowling and a meal
and id told jack i wasnt going to the meal afterwards as its too much for me
but i dont think i can even do the bowling...
its on the other end of town so like a half hour drive at least
and ive got to bowl, drive home, eat, get ready for school
im gonna be shattered 
i dont think i can do it
ive paid £8 to go
so im wasting more money and missing out AGAIN
but what can i do. my health sucks and ive missed out on so much over the last 9 years
this is just something else and i should be used to it
i'll tell jack tomorrow im not going

i ate dinner and it felt like i had drank a car battery
then once food had landed my stomach felt like i had been kicked
i laid in a ball on my bed
my usual night time routine as of late
dont want dinner
im done with food
the last 3 nights have been better as i didnt eat dinner but tonight was a killer
so when everyone went out i thrashed myself
i hated myself, my body, my life
so i danced HARD for 30 straight minutes
did all the fast hard ones, i was dripping, panting and brought up sick twice in my mouth
but it felt good to be the one in control
i'll be the one to cause the pain, fatigue, and sickness
i was shaky afterwards but thats what it gets

tomorrow is school
got busy day of practicals
and rats....
and missing out having fun with the whole department...

Saw dead rats

Evening

didnt sleep too great
woke up at 5:50am and decided to get up
it was cold everywhere
but it wasnt even our coldest morning this winter
just everywhere felt cold and dark

got to school
and jack looked zombiefied so i made him a coffee
and he was alright once that took effect
i managed to make the chemicals up i was unsure of
i got through the busy day
monday is always my busiest day
tuesday is my quietest day tomorrow looks ok
apart from defrosting rats...
i actually upped the courage and went to have a look at them
my heart sank
5 vacuum packed rats bunched together, faces on their front paws and eyes closed 
sickeningly it made me think of what my guinea pigs must look after theyve been put to rest
i hated that scene
i told jack and went to see it
and it said i didnt need to as he'd be fine sorting the rats
but its MY job its biology
if jack wasnt there id get made to do it so i cant rely on him
i will do this
as long as i dont see them cut up i should be fine
so yeah defrosting the buggers tomorrow

on the way home i called in at mias
had walter fall asleep on my lap
what a life that 5 month old puppy has
we had a brew and a catch up
got this table cloth that mia wants making smaller
i can see why...
if you have a table that fits then youre doing bloody well for yourself
its 8m long!!! who has a table that long!?
insane
so im making it smaller and the off cut will be made into a smaller runner for her living room table...more work for Jo

i came home and skipped dinner
couldnt face more stomach ache
i hardly ate over the weekend ether
just had enough of constant stomach ache
i start my new diet on 1st january tho
hopefully it should heal whats up with me

done a bit of dancing in my room
trying to learn a new dance as i was bored really
even tho im shattered

tomorrow is school
jack mentioned yesterday me staying over on tuesday but i havent mentioned it and nether has he so i think i got away with that one~ 
we've been going out 10 months today...

Pokemon Christmas Cards

Evening

I didnt sleep too bad
I was having vivid dreams
I got up at 9am

I got on with the key chain Rob asked me to make for him
so I finished that didnt take me long from start to finish
then once everyone had gone out I did 45 mins of dancing
my god i was hot but it felt good to work up a sweat 

I showered and watch the colour bleed from my hair XD
ordered some korean face stuff as im getting low so decided to replenish my stocks
then I decided to go to bed
not that I fell asleep oh no, someone was intent on coming over >.>

it rained, so i decided to see where Oz was
couldnt find him
i checked all his usual haunts 
and no sign
no noise
nothing
my throat started to constrict in panic
and then something caught my eye
and he was there ON TOP of his hutch sitting cosy in the girl's hay basket
i mean he blends in so damn well with those things anyway
BUT HOW THE HELL DID HE GET THERE!?
so i scooped him up and cuddled him and brought him inside with me
bless him
i accused mum of putting him up there but we all know if you tried to carry
oz in one of those hay baskets the base would literally buckle 
so somehow he's managed to get on top of his hutch...
i shall investigate later
just glad i had him

Jack came over
which was nice actually
as he came over did i realise that my tree at some point had been knocked over
and someone had haphazardly put the decorations back
it was a sodding mess
i was so annoyed
so i sat and did that whilst having a brew with jack
he looked at my decorations and said it was all very cute and random like me
we talked and stuff
he told me about last night's party
doesnt sound like i missed much to be honest
he said he was home for 1am as the place kicked them out at midnight
he went for one drink in a bar and called it a night

i went for a walk with jack and then waited at the bus stop with him
luckily the bus only had 2 mins before arriving so that was well timed considering theyre every 40mins on a sunday....
then i came home and had dinner
wrapped up some presents
and now im gonna sit with Oz then paint my nails!

tomorrow it is school
the last 5 days of school
bring it on

the tree apparently toppled over whilst my parents ate lunch
they said it was too heavy one side as i dont decorate the back (its flush to the wall)
so i made sure this time not to put the heavier decorations on it and put them on the mantle piece

here are the christmas cards i made this year
sadly only had time for 4 - everyone loved them tho ^^

i did snorlax for jack

scorbunny for tara

totodile for mia

and noodle for my cousin