driven to and from work!

 Evening

I slept quite well last night even tho I had palpations all the time until falling asleep, i think it was just anxiety. I woke up 1 minute before my alarm, my body clock is awesome XD

I got ready for school just fine, had my chicken breast for breakfast which was really tasty and made a change instead of cereal.

I picked Jack up and got into the passenger seat ready to be driven to work

he got in the drivers side and I could tell he was a bit apprehensive but he did really really well I was impressed. I had to navigate despite him doing the route with me many times... but he did well :)

school was hard im not gonna lie

i was still very exhausted, it was like I hadnt had the 5 days off

i mean it wasnt as bad but i still struggled like hell.

I was warmly welcomed back by the science department tho ^^ people miss Jo ^^

the head of science said "we can tell when you're not in, you add joy to the department somehow" i thought that was a really nice comment.

I got all my work done, prepped for tomorrow and got frustrated when I felt I couldnt keep going and in the end I just laid out on the floor and worked on a picture for the star wars display.

we went home in the rain, jack drove and i tried to calm down and not stress at him cus i just wanted to get home for pain killers and a wee. I chilled out tho as its not fair to stress jack out especially as the street lights weren't on, it was dark and rainy and he hadnt driven the route before he did well tho. Apart from pulling out on a taxi at a roundabout - i saw them and told jack to slow down - he slowed a bit but still didnt look round and just went! but his instructor has said to him he cant keep taking the roundabouts at speed just because he doesnt like doing them. So that did make me somewhat nervous. Its hard giving up the control and not being in control. but it will help jack in the long run and hopefully he will be ready for his test sooner

we got home and had a cup of tea together with Ozwald then sat with the girls and mum, then I drove jack to the bungalow as it was still throwing it down.

I was leaving him to do some work ready for the freezer. 

I did 50mins of yoga and felt really stretched XD but it was nice to do in my pyjamas, i always prefer doing yoga in my pyjamas ^^

had dinner then got ready for school, talked to my brother and he found a dvd player online for me as we want a multi region one as I have a few Jpop concert dvds from Japan :)

Im gonna go get my chunk of rabbit meat now and sit with him

tomorrow is school

i hope i have a quiet and easy day

then I should be sleeping over at the bungalow

Jack should be driving again

Jack had his first go in my car! I return to work tomorrow

 Evening

So yesterday I woke up at the bungalow, we got up and did a few jobs round the house 

then we set off for asda to do our first big shop

god we were there like an hour, I was dead and Jack wanted to go argos and wilkos

he had an order to literally collect from argos so i let him get that whilst i waited - recovered - in the car and when he came back we saw the line to get into wilkos and i asked him if we could leave it. he said that would be fine. At this point it was time for Jack to drive, he would be driving us home....now insured on my car I would have to hand the keys over at some point ><

to my surprise he was actually really good, i was expecting hesitant jurky driving but no, hes done well and hes only had 12 hours of lessons so he has done really well. I had to navigate and tell him what lanes and where we were going and such but he didnt grow up this side of town so its understandable,

we got home in one piece and unloaded the sheer amount of shopping then sat down having a cup of tea which was much needed. We had lunch then I just passed out on the bed. I woke up and we went over to mum's to which she said "we were just about to head over, your dad is keen to get jobs done"

so dad and jack went over to the bungalow to do a few jobs like fit new light switches and plug sockets - am determined to change them all as theyre over 30 years old and are very very grim.....

I stayed home and went for a walk with mum, we sat with Oz for a whole hour X3

Later when dad had come home I went over to the bungalow to help Jack cook his soup for the week and to make our first meal in the bungalow together - chili turkey with rice noodles it was tasty but very hot, made Jo sweat XD

he soon zipped off to go online with his fellow nerds who he hasnt been online with in some weeks, so i stayed downstairs out the way. then decided to use Jack's speaker and played my ipod, did 15mins of dancing which made me hot and sweaty as the heating works best in the living room. But i was keen to test the space ^^ I can watch myself in the huge patio doors so it is gonna do wonders for my dancing as I can watch my movements and improve :D 

I sat and painted my nails then read in bed. Jack finished gaming at 9:15pm and went for a shower. I tried so hard to get to sleep on just 1 pain killer but I turned to him and said I was struggling so we got up and had a hot chocolate and I had a pain killer. I told him the thought of going to school tomorrow makes me want to have a panic attack.

This morning I got up with Jack but I didnt go to school with him. We said it would be best if I had another day off. I hadnt cried yesterday and had started to feel a little bit better, and thought i would have another day to rest then do the 4 day week at school. Chris turned up early to pick Jack up and Jack invited him in. I was in pyjamas, dressing gown and hadnt brushed my hair....I wasnt arsed actually I kinda gone past caring what i look like and what people think of me. Im my own worst critic so no one can beat me. 

Jack went to work and I did the pots and such and then went home

saw my girls and had a shower

then did some photoshop work for school

already I was feeling more myself, like i just felt like i was coming out of this dark hole I had landed in, and felt more myself and more awake

mum came home and we had lunch and then we took Ozwald to the bungalow for his 2nd visit, he loved it and dared to do the stairs this time. Me and mum were putting up curtains in the living room - the one room I didnt want Oz in and i turned round to see his nose coming the almost shut door and I said "what you doing Ozwald" he could hear me and mum in there and wanted in on the action and that was it then, Oz running round the living room he loved it and I couldnt bare to stop his fun. Can you believe this time next month he is 4 years old?! bless him. I love my chunk

we came home and sat and warmed up with a brew

then I wrapped some presents, I actually got a lot done, I just need to wrap dad's and jack's and mia's birthday presents then I have finished!

Jack rang me when he got in from work. We talked about school and then about the house and I could my stomach knotting. When we finished on the phone I did 40mins of yoga then did dinner for everyone, whilst my brother quizzed me on christmas i.e. what I am doing for christmas. I told him I didnt know and couldnt bare to think about it. My stomach twisted and i felt sick and i felt like I had taken a few steps back and was close to the dark hole again.

Food did not sit well in my stomach

I feel sick with anxiety about school tomorrow whereas this morning i felt positive about it all. 

I am going and mum says I can come home when i like. That jack can ask chris to bring him home. I think I will be ok. I think I can do it. I want to try at least.

So I am going to go and sit with my lad now who is probably tired from running around today XD

tomorrow is school~

here are the bookcases Nigel sold to me, the dark wood has our manga on it, I say 'our' its 95% my manga XD the white wood case is only SOME of jack's nerd books

Oz's first trip to the bungalow

 Evening

Yesterday wasnt good really

I woke up early to ring school up and started my day

mum took me down to a shop to change a un-used paint so i could trade it in for another before the recipt expired, and literally just doing that killed me off.  I wanted to come home. 

We came home and took Oz round to the bungalow for the first time. Just me mum and Oz for about 25mins as I didnt want to stress him out. But it turned out he loved it! I let him run round all the rooms apart from the living room, he chose not to go in the kitchen due to the noise of the fridge but I am sure he will get confident with it next time. I took a photo of him at Jack's computer and sent it to Jack at work who thought it was very cute. So it was a nice little bit of happiness, seeing my bunny in his new home.

Jack came to see me after school

we had dinner and went over to the bungalow, he tried to set the tv up for us to watch but with no internet and aerial cable the tv was as good as useless to us so he switched it off and set up my Inuyasha dvd on his laptop as we always said we would watch inuyasha together once in the bungalow as he has never seen it. So we watched 3 episodes, then tried to go to sleep but I was restless. I had managed a bit of yoga earlier in the day but it still wasnt up to the usual amount of exercise my body is used to. So i had a fitfull sleep.

This morning we got up and had breakfast together in the living room, it was nice actually as we could see the garden, whereas usually when we eat breakfast before school its pitch black out there and we cant see anything. We washed all the new kitchenware and new plates I brought over last night which had been in my dad's wardrobe all year! so the kitchen is fitted out with stuff for making food now so Jack can be more independent and make his own food now

then I went for my hair cut, which I was relieved to have. I feel much better for a tidy up. I walked in tho and it was quiet. Like just my hairdresser and a client. I said "it's quiet" she said "it has been busy this is just a quiet spot" but when her client left she told me she had had to make her 2 hairdressers redundant after working with them for 30 years...how sad. But she said if another lockdown hit she wouldnt be able to afford their redundancy packages so she would be out of business all together, whereas this way she can still work. Yet another thing corona has ruined.

i left there and went home, jack joined us shortly after and we had lunch but as I started eating my cobs my dad came home and said to my mum that he had just seen Karen's husband and they are testing her for cancer, even tho she got the all clear this january they suspect she has cancer in 3 of her organs...im not a doctor but even i know that not good. I thought i was gonna be sick. I stopped eating and just felt numb. I cried against jack's jeans. Mum came in and saw me, mum had tears in her eyes too. Karen is probably the most loveliest, kindest soul I have ever had the fortune to meet. I can not believe this. It was bad enough finding out she had breast cancer the other year. But this is just unfair. I want to cuddle her. She will be poorly and suffer. it stinks

we left there and Jack went to the bungalow to wait for internet man between the hours of 1pm and 6pm talk about wait in and waste the day! I walked off to go get some air as i hadnt been out for days. I bumped into mia and rob taking the dogs for a walk and spoke to them for a bit it was good to see her. I am seeing her on 21st to swap presents!

I walked back home and had a minute then washed my car as it was filthy and I have now got to put L plates on it as jack is insured on my car as of tomorrow - as a learner driver of course. So i wanted my paint work to be clean before I put them on. It looks so much better

my brother went into the loft for me to look for granny's clock for me and we found it. I clock i have kept for several years since she died. I love it and cant wait to have it up. It will make me think of her

I can't eat, I just cant face food. I had a little piece of bread earlier and that was it. It's 7:50pm and I am waiting for Jack to come in from his driving lesson and then we need to eat but I cant do it.  I keep crying and I am not even sure why I am crying. My stomach is twisted and I feel crippling anxiety like I am gonna sit and exam. If I think about school I cry. I feel like someone has broke my mind. Whats wrong with me? My mum says its just tiredness and everything going off around me my dad says i need help and need to up my anti-depressants but I dont really want to increase my meds just cus i am having a hectic time and moving out which is life changing. I want to be able to get through this.

I can not even face school tho on monday, mum says if I cant go then dont go kinda thing.

we shall see

I am at the bungalow tonight then we are doing our first food shop tomorrow morning and also I am gonna let Jack have a go in my car for the first time! I get to see how he drives

I hope I sleep tonight

Off school, endless tears

 Evening

Yesterday was just awful

I felt like a zombie when I got up for school, and I felt no better when I was at school

as the day went on the worse I got. I was just in floods of tears and not even sure why i was crying. I fell asleep on the office floor with my coat thrown over me. Jack shut the door and turned the lights off. He was concerned for me. Concerned for my mental and physical health.

I texted mum at lunch and told her what a state I was in and that I wanted to come home but I stuck with it just so jack could get home. She texted saying that I needed to take time off as im getting worse. I showed the text to jack and it started me off crying again. He said "she might be right. And to be honest I dont think you are safe to work right now. You havent just had to odd time or day of feeling unwell this week, you have been getting worse all week"

i felt like crap and looked like death

I prepped my lessons for thursday and did as much as friday as possible then sat alone.

I drove us home crying all the way. Not even sure why tears were flowing they just were. Some part of me must have been really sad

I got home and mum saw how bad I was, I told her and jack that was going to have a shower and my face was stinging from all the crying. I did that and had a brew with mum and jack we agreed i needed to stay off for the rest of the week. Jack doesnt want me at work T^T 

Luckily chris had said that in the event i was too sick to take jack to work he would take him and bring him back ^^ chris is such a good guy, we will buy him rum at the weekend to say thank you.

after dinner jack packed up my dvd draw and we took that over to the bungalow, and tried to unwind with what was left of the evening. I hadnt done any exercise i was literally done. I felt like a shell. i just needed sleep. we lit tara's candle and it sits on the mantel piece. Jack went to blow it out but for some reason decided to give it the biggest breath ever. and hot wax splattered up the wall - freshly painted wall. and dried instantly. I told him to get a wall scraper and scrape what he could off. i then sanded the wall down with sandpaper, made him hoover the mess up and then i painted the wall. it was 9:30pm when we finished. he was very sorry. i wasnt even bothered about it i didnt get mad or upset. we all do stupid things and i was just numb anyway.

I slept over there last night

and this morning gave the wall another coat as I could still see blue wax through the paint....

chris came to pick jack up and then i left shortly afterwards, after i had rung work up

i came home and sat with mum and the girls then i went to bed

woke up and sat with Oz with a brew and had lunch

then went to bed

jack came over and he packed up my manga

we had dinner and jack went over to the bungalow with my manga and new tv, my brother drove him over which was kind of him. and i then tinted mums eyebrows and eyelashes and she did mine

now i am gonna get Oz and just sit

I have done literally nothing today

just exhausted and want to sleep. Mum says i have exhausted myself but she also feels my depression has been coming along stronger and stronger lately. she wondered if i needed to speak to a doctor but i am sure i will be fine for some rest

so i have 4 days of rest. 2 days off school + the weekend

hopefully i will be good to go for monday

tomorrow i might take Oz over for his first trip to the bungalow 

18th December

 Evening

Didnt sleep too bad actually

Went for Jack in the morning and i was on the drive for 3mins despite giving him a txt before i left the house saying i was on my way. I knocked on the door and he was rushing out the door

i had a go at him for not being ready for me as hes always early for everyone else, and im doing him a favour by picking him up and from the door as well. He said he will try better

school was ok and I handled it better too

I gave Luke the 3 cat nip plants as a thank you for the wardrobe and he really loved them ^^

we looked at uniform and i did a few jobs. Head of science put everyone's name into a hat for secret santa but i didnt want to do it along with another biologist. I have too much crap on my hands now to be arsed with that.

school finished and we came back for a brew with Ozwald

we walked to the shops for a few bits. I made a point of announcing in front of dad that i went to the shops for myself but picked up food for everyone's dinner that night. As he was an arsehole about the milk on sunday. he knew what i was getting at.

after dinner i dropped Jack off to bungalow

then i looked at hair electricals as me and mum share the same hair electricals such as crimpers, straightners etc so i have been ordering stuff - yet more money!

now i am gonna sit with my Oz and go bed

tomorrow i have school, and i will sleep over at the bungalow

I have also made the decision to move over to the bungalow full time during the christmas holidays. so by 2021 the bungalow will be my new residence. I have talked this over with mum and jack seperately and it seems to be the right thing to do. I break up for xmas holidays 18th December til 4th Jan. I have til then to make my move~

Crying so much over that damn house

 Evening

I havent been doing my diary, simply cus I have not had time to breathe!

my weekend once again was full on....I was so hoping to take a breather this weekend but no

Friday I stayed home

in the morning me and mum went to the shops to pick up numerous things for the house - surprise surprise - we came back and Jack came over for lunch 

then Jack, my brother, my dad went to go fetch a wardrobe from Luke and the rest of jack's stuff

they were gone for a while and then they went to the bungalow and unload. I didnt want to join in as I knew I wouldnt be able to help much or lift anything so i stayed home

we had food

and I stayed over at the bungalow, in the morning we finished off the stupid 2pt milk jack picked up - why he still picking up 2 pint milk like he is still at the flat i have no idea as theres both of us now. So it ran out and we started doing jobs round the house and then mum txted to say her and dad would be over between 10 and 10:30am

so we continued on and my parents came over, the guys were putting up curtain poles and dad wanted a coffee, i went to go and do them all drink, opened the fridge and yeahhh we have no milk

so my dad berated me in front of jack "how you suppose to run a family home when you cant even keep milk in? its pathetic. You need to sort yourself out"

well we hadnt been out yet that morning and also we havent actually done our first food shop yet ether. So its understandable right? mum went home and grabbed a milk and kindly gave it to me so we could have a brew. But i knew my dad was disappointed in me, heck he always is!

they finished up and chris gave me a txt to say he was heading over soon, so i went home and made jack some lunch all the time feeling like i was gonna collapse from sheer exhaustion, walked back over to the bungalow with lunch in hand. gave it jack and the door went, it was chris. so i politely sat and talked with them both, all the time just thinking about my bed and sleep and rest

in the end i left them too it. they were gonna look over at radiators and that.

i came home and slept

my parents had been to the shops, my mum said "ill get them a milk" my dad said "no they can get their own milk"

was this a punishment? spite? principle? it cant be money cus he knows id pay him back for the whole pound it would cost him. So of course it upset me as hes just such a horrible person. i feel hes only helping with the bungalow for something to do, literally

I got up and i walked to the shop, carrying 4 pints of milk and some bread to the bungalow, dropped it off, picked up 'dads milk' and brought it home

so after that

i cried, i sobbed, i cried.

i had had it.

done.

broken.

i couldnt see the point in continuing on anymore

i am getting no enjoyment out the house, its been one big slog and expense, i regret buying it at times. I cant see how i am ever going to be well enough to run a house and look after myself. i havent done anything creative or for myself for 3 weeks now. my dad hates me and always will. and yeah i cried in front of my brother, mum and jack

they all tried to help me feel better but i had to just let it out i think

i was exhausted plain and simple

mum told me to just go relax at the bungalow, she was so mad with dad as it was for his behaviour that i didnt want to be sat round in the atmosphere anyway

we got to the bungalow and jack made me a hot chocolate, i thanked him and then apologised for my outburst of crying. he told me not to apologise and calmly started talking about bungalow stuff to which i lost a few tears to. then i climbed into bed for 9pm.

this morning we got up and i was ok, just a bit tired.

i painted a few patches on the wall before school that i wanted to do at the weekend but ran out of time to do

got to school and julia asked how our weekend was and whilst i got on the subject and told her all that happened i was losing a few tears. im so fragile its untrue. its simply cus im so exhausted. i cant handle anything

during school, i had no practicals but still had lessons to prepare so i did that but i didnt hand anything out. jack did all the running around and i stayed in the prep room and office.

at the end of the day i didnt want to talk to anyone, look happy for others so the last hour i spent with the light off in the office and shut the door, making it look like no one was there, so i wouldnt be disturbed.

at home i fussed my Ozwald and sat with the girls too which was nice and mum had made cookies too. then me and jack ordered a new TV on cyber monday deals. 

he went home and he asked if i wanted to join him but i decided i needed to do something creative so i am gonna do my nails and fuss Oz and drink hot chocolate and screw everything else.

we have said that this week i need a calmer week and a weekend to recharge. i have scalp sensitivity/pain with a constant headache for over a week now. along with my ectopic heartbeat. both these caused by stress. i cant even tie my hair up anymore with out it feeling like someone is pulling my hair out my scalp. its painful. no cure ether. no skin problem ether like no redness. its simply stress.

so thats it now

bollocks to everyone this week, im at my limit now. i am becoming sick

Got another hard weekend ahead

 Evening

Didnt sleep too bad, I did wake up a couple of times, one time convinced i could hear music like mum had left her radio or something, i even checked to see if it was my ipod playing music as I couldnt make out the words being sung, but when I listened closely i realised there was no music...so what was I hearing?

annoying >.>

I decided to start my stronger pain killers today as the increase was from 75mg pregabalin to 100mg

i didnt see it as much of an increase so didnt see any harm or think anything of taking them before work. How wrong I was! It totally wiped the floor with me. I was on the floor a lot of today. In fact I think i have been to sleep twice today. Once was on my lunch break. I have been so useless at work today and I am greatful I didnt have any practicals could I think jack would have had to have covered for me or if i did do them id get them wrong. just zombiefied massively.

couldnt wait for hometime 

we got back and i had a brew with Oz and jack and mum

then we walked to the bungalow and I let jack get changed out of his work wear and we did a couple of small things round the house, he changed the lamp shades in the hall as the lighting was far too harsh and i had got the colours so very wrong! it looked like a brothel! but now i have them just right and I am happy with the colours. I also put up a few bunny stickers and hamster stickers to make it look cute. I also realised that another pair of curtains I have brought are too small much to my despair as its so boring looking at curtains and spending money on them.

i also wrote a big list of stuff i need to get tomorrow from wilkos

we did a small walk round the area as i was shattered but needed to do something

came in and had dinner then jack went home, i showered and looked for new curtains online

gonna go crash now with Oz its only 8:10pm but i am shattered and done. 

tomorrow 

i would LOVE to dance in the morning. I havent danced for over a week or possibly two now, simply cus i am exhausted. I am still exhausted but i am missing it badly now.

then I have Oz to clean out

then I am going wilkos with mum

then we are going to pack my dad's van with the book cases, drop them off at the bungalow pick up the table and chairs jack's mum lent us but we never used and take the back to her, pick up a wardrobe from Luke's house, pick up Jack's furniture and drop it off at the bungalow

then we are done for the day. done

we are saying we want sunday to just breathe and be as we are exhausted and have no more to give. its all becoming a slog. However, we might be having Chris over to bleed our radiators as one is not working and you can see your breath in that room and we cant put stuff in it or decorate it until it is sorted. so yeah we shall see

another hectic weekend!

All this week my scalp has hurt, feels like i have been tying my hair too tightly or something but i havent been and i even use softer hair bobbles so i dont have this issue. My head near my scalp has been then hurting too, a headache but near the top of my head. Found it strange. I mean scalp pain is an odd pain to have if you havent changed hair products or done anything differently. Mum decided to google it, i never bother googling my problems in life, but mum says its stress as its not a skin condition as the skin looks normal. Its caused by stress and anxiety and if my heart rhythm is anything to go by, i can well believe it. God I am getting worse not better! I need people to leave me alone and let me chill out!!!