prawn prince

 Evening

I kept waking up last night as Jack was clamping on his teeth a lot >.>

But I didnt feel too exhausted when i woke up

however from the moment I got up out of bed I knew I needed the toilet so I dashed into there and spent a good 20mins dying on that. I felt better but felt drained. We still got the stew on, had breakfast and left on time! 

School was tiring, I had a lot to do. I went in Luke's lesson for 40mins just for something to do

I think the best name i have ever seen a student give a maggot happened today "Prawn Prince" Me and Luke just laughed. got to use those maggots a few more times, as the days go on they smell worse and worse.....

I went to art and showed the staff my bath picture and they thought it was amazing ^^

I got all my jobs done but it was just a slog you know? We have been asked to attend the department meeting tomorrow tho, normally we never go as we are never invited! 

we got home to find mum and the pigs in the garden, Jack had a tea with us then left us to it. Mum brought me a banana and sweet potatoes like I asked, leftover meal for Jack's lunch tomorrow as well. Jack made such a good breakfast of fried egg and bacon sandwich, he was well happy.

Our stew was good and i was really glad I hadnt got to cook

I have just been letting food go down since and been looking at stuff online but I have yoga next to do with Jack. It is Jo night~ Might have a hot chocolate tonight not had one in ages!

tomorrow is school got 3 practicals >< can't wait for bed. I want more energy after school so I can work on my ninetail picture

bit of a better day mentally at least

 Evening

I was in bed for 10pm

Jack finished gaming at 10pm, and I did not want to stay up I wanted to be asleep

i slept well, and felt better about the day that what I did yesterday

School was soo slow!

Just a slow day

I helped out in a class with maggots, simply to make time go quicker 

did usual tasks but just day wouldn't pass

Julia and Jack getting stressed with the sheer amount of papers, I tried to playfully annoy him but he stressed out on me. Didnt realise he was THAT stressed, he could have asked me to help

We got home and mum bought Oz and the girls over which was nice, me and mum sat having a cup of tea whilst Jack took a whisky to his study. i didnt care what he did as long as he went away and chilled out. It was nice to have mum's company

She left and I did dinner and we prepped for tomorrow's stew 

Dinner was good and filling and I  had a bit of tummy ache afterwards

I was dropping off on the sofa so I didnt get any time to myself tonight simply cus I wasted it on the sofa, I got up and jack motivated me into doing some exercise so I did 30mins of weights, had a bath whilst Jack sat with Oz. Then I went to sit with oz but got bogged down with getting stuff ready for tomorrow but I gave him some fuss and treats. He's only just gone home and its 9:30pm

Jack is making my hot drink for the night and we are about to watch fruits basket

tomorrow is school.....

got 1 maggot lesson so I might kill time it that. 

mum made me a doctors appointment for friday evening...

upset at school and dont want time off

 Evening

I managed to do a 10min exercise video of legs and used my new ankle weights which made me actually feel my work out for a change as my leg work outs didnt feel like they were doing an awful lot. I was tired but really wanted to try and do some exercise so I wouldnt spend another night in bed aching.

I slept really well, having an odd dream of being some sort of demon of a city and another demon that was slowly turning into a cat like creature had planted bombs round the city, slowly felling buildings around me. So many people were squished and died. I couldnt warn people quick enough....

I was anxious about school that was a given really

I wasn't feeling it at school this morning I had no energy to look happy for people and when people would ask "you ok?" I just say "no" but didnt talk about it, I just wanted people to know that I actually wasnt ok. Mum txt to say she had got in with the nurse at 10:15am and wasnt going to work. Her new blood pressure tablets had made her blood pressure go to 170/110...thats like heart attack territory and mum is not overweight. Or a big drinker and doesnt smoke. Her face was like red. Quite frightening and it had been stressing me out to be honest as I didnt want her keeling over.

She rang me at 10:45am saying she had been checked over and shes ok and the sorting the meds out. I felt tears of relief come down my face. I was a bit tearful on the phone even tho it was only 11am, I just felt like I was not even able to get through the day nevermind the week. It just all felt too much. The sheer amount I needed to do at work. She said "I think you do need to go to the doctors, its not getting any better is it, its going past the stage of helping yourself before it gets bad. Its gotten bad and youre making yourself poorly. I think you need to get signed off work for a bit" but the thought of seeing those useless idiots deflates me somewhat. Not to mention what I think about being off work for a bit....but nevertheless I rang the doctors 5 times, no one picked up and it cuts off after 4 mins. I txt mum saying "no one picks up" she said "I was up there an hour ago and theres 3 receptionist on" >.> bloody useless they are.  Mum said she would ring

I got through the morning, had my lunch, but all my food today I havent really wanted, I have simply ate just for energy.

After lunch I went to fetch maggots, its bad that the people in fisherman shop recognise me

 >< 

I came back and I spoke with Karen for a bit about pain, I talked with the IT crew, chris isn't in this week hes on holiday.  Then I came back to the prep room, I couldnt face coming back straight away as I knew people would want things.

But I felt better for getting out and stuff

We came home, well first I called in mums to only realised she had txt saying she was at mine with Oz....so I drove to my house >< 

she had a tea with us, then I did a dinner I made up on the spot really, chili prawn pasta it was actually good. jack enjoyed it and said he would eat it again.

I got my school stuff ready and now doing my diary. Might have time to draw or not. I need to do some exercise but I know I cant do much so it will be easy exercises. I could quite easily not do any but I know come 10pm I will regret that decision 0.0

the seller of the inuyasha dvds offered a refund if I send them back. But its effort. I will see.

tomorrow is school

just literally counting the days til its half term, which is a week off, but mum isnt sure I will be ok and better in a week...

Redrawing Ninetails

 Evening

I had an alright evening but struggled to sleep due to pain, took me til gone midnight, I almost got up but I think Jack knew or sensed I couldnt sleep so he stroked my back and it did calm things down, I wonder if he did that in his sleep? I shall ask him~

I got up at 8am and felt a bit rough and weak, had an easy morning, tried porridge for breakfast instead of meat and it made my stomach make some noises, I had to go toilet and my stomach felt heavy with porridge so I am not wanting that again.

We went food shopping which really tired me out but we did it

when we got back we had a brew with Oz, he's been a bit quiet today, We have brought some parsley for him to try - the girls like it XD

We made my soup and whilst it was cooking I somehow cleaned Oz out and the bathroom but it about killed me off. I needed to do my chores, I will not be beaten.

After lunch I slept for 40mins and when I got up we went for a very short walk as I wanted to. When we came back we had another brew with Oz.

I then did some drawing, I am 'redrawing' a picture of Ninetails I did in I think 2018? Ether way I want to see if I can do better now, just drawing the line art Jack says he can see the improvement  ^^ I can tell I am tired tho as I was looking at thinking 'its not quite right, but 8 tails is right' jack pointed out "it needs 9 tails" yeah the clue is some what in the name....

I did dinner. To be honest if it wasnt for Jack helping out and eating with me I probably wouldnt bother with dinner. Which made me reflect on how little I have been eating the past few days. I havent been having my snacks, just my main meals....I need to try harder to eat.

Now I am gonna do some drawing, have a bath and see Oz and maybe do my nails. I was gonna try out my new weights for 10mins but I will see how I feel.

We got our new anime dvds from mum this morning.

chobits works fine

Inuyasha final act....they dont even load!! theyre worse than the first lot! I am gutted as its like Im not suppose to see this series T^T

tomorrow

it's school

and of course I am worried about how the day will go. Will I get through it?

Chris's birthday

 Evening

Last night I was pretty dead and didnt do any exercise. Jack was gaming and I just sat with Oz and went for a bath. I sat with the massager til Jack came downstairs, we watched Fruits Basket, went to bed and I slept through the night til 7:50am

I got up this morning and felt a bit worn out but felt better than yesterday morning that was for bloody sure. So I went with Jack to post my cousin's birthday present, we went down to wilkos as we needed a few bits for school. Then I took Jack to Munchies - where my brother goes every friday morning. For a breakfast baguette, Jack got a foot long baguette with hash browns, bacon, sausage, egg all for £4.70! Bloody bargain that! We got home and I had the rest of my breakfast as I couldnt face it again this morning, and Jack ate his baguette, he was quiet and I could tell he was loving every bite...He said he would go munchies again XD

It's Chris's birthday today and as we missed his 30th last year cus of lock down I thought I would make him a birthday card which he loved ^^ I drew his favourite character which is Chi from Chobits, holding cheese and chris is a cheese fiend

My mum wanted to know how I was today so I gave her a ring. She asked when i was next going down to tk maxx, she had forgotten to pick something up. So I suggested that we go for an hour, as long as its just that 1 shop and nothing else. 

I went to mum's and she drove us down to tk maxx. I picked up a father day presents for dad which is a tshirt, I picked up a couple of tshirts for jack, some birthday presents for jack, some skin care (which the woman didnt charge me for!) I got some leggings for work. Some gardening equipment too. So it was worth the trip. Mum was happy as I was pointing out skincare for her, shes really worried about the whole aging thing so it was good to help her as I do know a thing or two.

I got back to mums and we had a brew with the sows on our laps, I spoke with my brother for a bit, dad came back home so I said hello to him then I was home for 1pm for my lunch. Mum had lent me some pots for me to grow my sunflowers in when I pot them.

I had my lunch which I didnt really want but ate it. I had a massive sleep in the day as well, I was annoyed that I had wasted time in bed but I could not help that.

I got up and had Oz in and then we did dinner. I feel a bit awful for Jack as his friends were meeting up at harvey's tonight and I didnt want to go I do not have the strength for that but because Jack can not drive he cant get there and I knew he didnt want to ask me to play taxi so he said he wasnt fussed but I wondered otherwise, his other friends online then are online tonight but not until 10pm and I said to jack I can go to bed by myself but he said "when youre feeling better ill try again as its not working right now is it" I felt bad. I offered to drug myself up so Id sleep. but he said "how selfish is it of me to ask you to drug yourself up so I can game" But hes missing out because of me.

As the evening has gone on, Ive become tired and struggling to hold the mentalness back so I have told him I dont want him gaming late I need him tonight. he is fine. I just feel selfish. 

I had an early bath as I can not work out. I am exhausted. Heck I was tired in the bath just washing myself! So yeah no work out today. Jack sat with oz then when I was dressed I sat with Oz.

We are both going into the study now I might do some drawing and Jack gaming.

I have decided to not weigh myself this week as I cant cope with anymore.

tomorrow is food shopping and chores, sure I will be exhausted after tomorrow T^T

but I achieved stuff today~

 

It just gets a bit much you know?

 Evening

Last night I did manage to do a bit of drawing, and then Jack asked if he could game with his friends as they were online. I said this was fine with me, I will go to bed when I like.

I was in bed for 9:45pm

But I could not sleep. I ached and then the sheer overwhelming thoughts that just would not shut up.....thoughts that I had been blanking and shutting out, ignoring over the last few weeks just got too much. I think I just cracked a bit.

I got up at 11:15pm not being able to take the pain any longer, and over dosed. Making me feel quite sick. I needed to be numb to not be able to think or feel. To not hear the thoughts about self harming, to not hear the thoughts about calories. Both thoughts I have been trying to bury for the last couple of weeks. To pretend I had never had them, that my mental health had not fallen that badly. But it has. And admitting that is incredibly hard and soul destroying.   I pretend Im ok, that Im not falling to pieces inside, that I can continue to be strong, that I can wear my mask for others. But I guess it just leads to the path of burn out, I burnt myself out.

I cried alone in the dark in the living room. Jack came to bed at midnight. I was hoping he would think Hammington in bed was me. But he soon discovered I was not in bed and came to find me. damn it. Usually its mum who finds me crying but now its jack I guess

He said I should have got him, that helping me through all this is far more important than being on a game. Hes right, I know. However its not nice seeing your love one like that and I dont want him to tire of always seeing me like this. He said that would never happen.

I stayed up just quietly crying whilst he cuddled me and I think I fell asleep around 2ish

the alarm went off and I felt dizzy and weak as a kitten. I could barely sit up. I said to Jack that I couldnt make it in today. He was like "no no you are not going"

he then had a mad rush of getting ready with no breakfast, running out into the rain to wait by the main road in the village for hannah from work to pick him up. I felt awful for him having such a hard night with me then a sucky evening. I txted my brother at 7am telling him to tell mum I was off school, shes wouldnt be checking her phone til gone 8am and I was gonna ring her. But I fell asleep >< I fell asleep for 3 hours too! I was just gone. I woke up and had to get rid of everything from my stomach. I felt terrible at this point, I txt mum that I was awake and she popped by on her way home which was around 11am. She made me tea and I had some breakfast and my morning meds. I looked and felt awful. In fact mum said I looked green.

She kept me company talking for a couple of hours but left me to get lunch. I ate my lunch with Oz and then I just did the odd little thing round the house, drew, got Oz out and just did that on rotation.

Jack couldnt get a lift home with hannah until like 5pm, he finishes at 3:30. But people were going for a drink in the pub for chris's birthday tomorrow. So Jack joined them and then hitched a lift with Hannah I was happy he went pub, does him some good to have a drink and socialise.

He came in and I warmed our leftovers up and we had dinner, he had a shower and was just about in time for his dungeon and dragons, I had managed to see him a little bit before his gaming.

I sat behind him on my laptop finishing off my drawing I have been working on for weeks!!!!!

It is done I think. It was hard but if you dont challenge yourself then your art doesnt improve.

its on my redbubble page

https://www.redbubble.com/people/LunatiqueDesign/shop?asc=u

Now I am just with Ozwald who is always hungry XD

I am not doing any exercise tonight as I am drained and weak. I literally cant do any exercise so I admit defeat tonight and will be kind to myself and to my body. Have a nice bath and relax.

tomorrow is a new day.

Tomorrow

I am posting my cousin's birthday present as its her birthday 3rd June so I want her to have it in time.

then I will go a shop for some stuff for school, and then I have been saying to Jack  I will take him to this sandwich place my brother goes to every friday. I show Jack my brother's breakfast cobs and Jack really wants one so I will take him there tomorrow finally just to collect something.

Then I am doing nothing the rest of the day I hope!

very happy news!

 Evening

We were in bed for 9:30pm, it was very early by Jack's standards but I was happy about it

I soon fell asleep and slept through the night

I didnt die on the toilet so all in all I was feeling pretty good today ^^

Just a bit anxious about school but that was because of the practicals I had got coming up

Practicals which i had nailed. A few students didnt finish so I let them in during break, then at lunch to finish. It was nice I was trusted by the teacher to do that.

I got a lot of other stuff done, I was shattered I did not stop. So tired. The break I did have, I was on my mat stretched out and the dept head saw....she probably thinks I do nothing all day. so that saddened me a bit cus yeah I just hope she doesnt think I am a lay about

I was so tired by the end of the day

but it did not stop there

when we arrived home from picking Oz up, Chris and his wife had arrived before us. Chris was here to fix jack's computer finally and he had his wife with him. I have never met his wife Yuna who is from china. She speaks english but has a very strong accent. In honesty I found it hard to understand her at times but she is the first chinese born person I have spoke to. I will get used to her way of speaking I am sure :) their relationship made me laugh tho. She walks all over him. If it was any one else I am sure chris would tell them where to stick it but I can see the love in his eyes for her.

Mia turned up at 4:45pm with her dogs, she had asked me if I was up for a walk and I thought I would as she only wanted to do a small walk, however it turned into a longer walk as she had some very very exciting news! theyre going ring shopping!! yup I think the engagement is finally finally happening ^^ I was thrilled for her I mean Im just happy for her. Shes wanted it for so many years.

I got back and made dinner straight away, whilst it was cooking I did a 15min weight video, ate dinner and got Oz in to which Jack sat with him whilst I went for a bath. It's not 8:30pm and I have actual time to myself now! I might do some drawing unsure yet.

I told Jack that I felt no jealousy towards mia and her engagement. When my friends moved out I was jealous as I never thought I would achieve it. But I dont feel jealous about getting married.

I told this Jack and he was like "fine dont wanna marry you anyway" jokingly

but I am really ok, I could be engaged but as for marry....no way could I handle that right now 0.0

So yeah different evening but a welcomed one

tomorrow is friday, its school, but then its weekend!!! I hope I feel good again tomorrow!