actually got somewhere with my doctor

 Evening

It wasn't until I got to bed did I realise that I didnt do my diary!!

So yesterday I was lucky to have chris come and collect Jack for school

which I was really grateful of as I was shattered

I spent the day resting really as there wasnt much else I could do! I was a bit of a corpse ^^;

my mum came to see me and dropped off some parcels

I had a telephone call with the doctor to basically ask for some help

this is what has come of it all

for the next 2 weeks at school I will be working til lunch time, I have a doctors note for it

I am upping my antidepressants as of today

The doctor said he had in fact referred me for mental health help

so yeah I dont feel like I am in a pit of despair so much as I now have something to help, something to try

he warned me not to ever overdose on these tablets and that i need to have my blood pressure checked in a month. It increases blood pressure but my blood pressure is naturally low so i am not concerned.

after dinner we walked over to mum and dad's so I could give my brother a mug I ordered him for work as his work mug broke, he was pleased with it then we walked back and that short walk literally did me in. 

In the evening as we had finished Chobits - which was really good - we started watched Ouran high school host club. I have had on dvd for years but jack hasnt seen it

I told him to continue watching the episode as I had to go die on the toilet as for some reason when the night came round, my anxiety heightened. 

we got to bed and I had to dash to the toilet once again. Jo is no longer digesting food it seems. I was dying on the toilet til 11:15pm -_____-

safe to say I was shattered at 6am today. I could have done without the school run but knew I had to get on with it. The closer we got to school the more anxious I felt.

i was so churned up with anxiety that I called into mum's on the way home as I knew she was going out at 9am anyway

so I got to relax with the sows. Molly isnt doing so well with her lumps. Her tummy lump has burst and scabbed over, she has a lump on her leg and mum said she thinks she felt one on her bum earlier. We are unsure what they are fully. The vet says cysts but without an actual biopsy we wont know

she seems fine and doesnt mind you touching them. I told mum to not worry and keep them clean. Bless molly mole

I left mum when she went out and I came home to bed for 90mins as I was shattered

when I woke up I looked at shelving online but didnt see anything I liked. Then I wrote my cousin and email finally.

I had my lunch then mum came round and we went for a short walk, I managed to dust the living room whilst talking to her which gave me a sense of achievement. I also started upping my meds today

mum left when Jack came home

I cut his hair and we had dinner once he had had a shower

it was raining during dinner but as we couldnt see Oz we assumed he was in the garage.  We assumed wrong...we saw a wet bunny run out the bushes -_____- so he had decided to sit in the garage during the day when it was just cloudy but play out when it was raining!?

so I went out to him and he was shivering and shaking his coat. pudding

i tried to towel dry him inside but he was having none of it so I just let him groom himself.

we have given him treats and carrot and hes now snoring on the carpet. Jack sat with him whilst I exercise for 15mins and had a shower.

I will take him home soon bless him

Jack is playing D&D tonight so I am by myself

not sure what we are doing this weekend to be honest

dont wanna do myself in anyway

i have the usual jobs to do anyway

i told jack that when i started my antidepressants i became quite numb, which is a usual feeling with mental medication and these tablets are actually quite nasty as far as antidepressants go. But they work for me! So I warned him i might go a bit detached and to just bare with me. But he seemed fine with it all. He has been on antidepressants before so he knows the score

I made an attempt to work

 Evening

I didnt manage any exercise last night and I felt it as I laid in bed. My body had missed moving about but I was so dead that i simply couldnt

I slept okish

But upon waking up, I just felt so drained -______-

I got to school and I could tell it was gonna be a hard slog

head of science came to see me and asked how I was doing and I told him I was struggling mentally and physically and I am unsure why

by 9:30am I was in tears

My anxiety was so bad that I felt dizzy, sick and like I could pass out

and I have no idea why I am like this 

at 10:20am I was leaving school with Jack who had received permission to take me home and work from home the rest of the day

I had rang mum to tell her we were coming home, she had rang dad who had said we need to go see a doctor, mum rang me to say to meet her at the doctors on the way home. We asked for an emergency appointment but my doctor wasnt in. I was down to see the nurse later anyway so left it at that.

I got home and ate piece of fruit loaf, had a sweet cup of tea and went to bed

i was done. I felt like I had done an assault course

I got up at 1pm for lunch with Jack, then went back to bed for another couple of hours

Mum came over with Ozwald and we had a cup of tea then she took me to see the nurse

she diagnosed me with an ear infection and gave me an ear spray to use which isnt nice >< not had an ear infection since I was baby! I told her I was sent home from work and that the doctor isnt helpful. She looked and said my antidepressiant can be increased and that he should increase it rather than let me suffer. I said I had been referred to the mental health team by the doctor but she said "theres no referral on here" meaning - he didnt do it....that was 2 weeks ago. So she left a note on his work to say "Jo needs a referral ASAP" disgusting. I am just left to suffer like this. So we made an appointment to see a female doctor that only works tuesday mornings - which why I havent met her before. But my nurse said this doctor is more...sympathetic, and recommended seeing her.

I was dropped off home by mum and me and Jack did dinner

then after dinner and my stomach ache, we walked to my parents as I went to give my brother something I had ordered online for him. I only just managed to walk there and back

I had a shower when I came in as I cant have baths for a week cus of my ear T^T

We are all disappointed at how I can not seem to handle work

we are all peed off at my crappy doctor

we are all tired

mental health is draining for the person and for the people around you

I am taking the rest of the week off

Jack is going to speak to head of science and say that I would like to come in just for the mornings then come home to do digital work in the afternoon so then I am still working but away from the working environment and the day wont seem so long and daunting. I am so hoping they are ok with this other wise the only thing I can do is be signed off sick until I get some mental health support or increase my medication.

why am i left to suffer?

if I was diabetic this would be like me being without insulin 

sickening

and they get paid over £100,000 a year....I earn £16,000

chris is taking Jack to work tomorrow which is very kind of him to offer. So if I can not sleep tonight then at least I can sleep in the morning

mum is working 7 doors down in the morning and said she will call in at 11am 

Only Tuesday

 Evening

I slept for 9 hours ^^ I was so damn tired tho and in bed

School was tiring

I did a practical with Julia's daughter who is suffering with anxiety and missed so much school. I was just us two practicing this practical but she got herself in such a state that she threw up 3 times....I told Jack to go get Julia. I made her a sweet tea and gave her my biscoff to get her sugars up. Then I drove her and Julia home as I am good like that ^^ I just hope shes ok....

School was hard tho I struggled loads more today than what i did yesterday

I am worrying about the rest of the week now!!! 

I want to be able to do this!!

Mum dropped Oz over, I had a faffy fish dinner that took me 40mins to cook. I was exhausted and I also had no energy to do any sort of work out tonight. I crawled onto the bed with tummy ache and laid there til I had a bath which was shattering just to wash my self

I watered my plants and took the dead heads off and fussed Oz. Going to take him to bed now.

Watch anime and go bed

exhausted. Its only tuesday T^T

First day was successful

Otsukarare deshita~~~

We watched Chobits last night then was in bed for 10:15pm, I did eventually get to sleep and slept through the night too~ I was woken by my 6am alarm for me to get up and do my yoga ><

It was fine I don't mind doing yoga watching Oz in the garden

We picked up the DT technician on the way to dropping Oz off 

I think it helped having someone different to talk to as it made me less anxious and less focused

I was warmly greeted by people at school ^^ people were happy to have Jo back ^^

I did feel a bit out of sorts like out of rhythm you know what I mean

But I tried my best with it all and it wasn't busy like Jack said so that was lucky!

At 11am I had my meeting with george - head of science

and it was totally chill, I have no idea why I get so worried really

hes only 31 and a lovely relaxed guy

we put some things into place for me like making sure I have time to do art as it helps me cope and de-stress and hes also told me that the school pays into a well being service which covers mental health so to maybe try that as I wont get mental help for a long time. But he was so supportive and such, I do work at a fantastic place I really do.

I helped out in Hannah's year7 class and she was very grateful as she wasn't feeling good and it was a hands on practical. One I wasn't familiar with but didnt take me long to wing it!

I cleared it up for her too~

All in all, I totally nailed the day. I went to tell george at the end of the day that I managed my first day back with success :) 

He was pleased and Jack was very proud of me and said I deserve a milk hot chocolate X3

we picked Oz up and came home as mum was going out walking

I made dinner which was soooo damn good

then I stuck the sides onto my desk which I have been trying to straighten out for days but today I wanted to get it all stuck on and it looks a lot better for that. I will slowly get my craft room done!!

I have got to do some exercise next and I am thinking of dancing

Jack says he doesnt mind sitting with Oz whilst I am in the bath 

tomorrow is school again, not got a busy day but said I would help Hannah out in her lesson again

I have been drawing at school today so I might try and do some more drawing again tomorrow

I hope the day goes well again

my stomach felt like it was in knots all day and after dinner I did get a bit of stomach pain but it passed, I can tell stomach isnt quite right tho you know?

I will try my best again tomorrow~

returning to school tomorrow

 evening

I slept well last night and woke up at 8:30am

so we only just got out the house on time for shopping at  9:30am

I felt anxious round the shop to be honest. Like my breathing was off and I felt dizzy 

then all morning I have been dizzy, headachy, not able to think. And shattered

I didnt do an awful lot I felt, because I was so exhausted. Hayfever does not help T^T

But I managed to clean Oz out, and I tackled this big pot in our garden that has been in the same state as when we moved in. Nothing grows in it. I knew there was an ants nest underneath it however I was not expecting the entire thing to be one big ants nest....dear god what had I uncovered. I felt really itchy after doing that job!!!! I emptied it, washed it out and poured kettle water over any remaining ants RIP

i then planted my new plant I picked up from the supermarket today for £2!

At this point I did ask Jack if we were gonna get any jobs done i.e. my craft room shelves and the front door light + front door number plaque.

He did not seem keen I could tell by his body language and when I asked him what his beef was he said that "drilling massively stresses me out" and that was that. So I said its fine I can leave it but felt it was unfair how I just have to keep waiting for my craft room to get done you know?

so I txt mum saying I felt stupidly anxious and that Jack didnt want to do anything for the house today. she said "do you want me to pop by for a cuddle?" I said "yeah" but thought she half hearted meant it kinda thing

next thing I knew mum and dad were here and dad carrying his tool set!!!! 

and that stressed Jack out massively, he couldnt cope with the spontaneous DIY + dad. He basically locked himself in his office! So I felt a bit awkward and wondered just what was up with him like had I dont something kinda thing. he was making my anxiety worse

dad did a fantastic job of my lighting and number and I instantly felt like the house was more ours when it went up. He was kind enough to do my shelving also and I have filled one with mini plush ^^ I supervised and helped out and was constantly fetching tools and the like. Mum was there so I wasnt left with dad as she knows I was at breaking point

they left once everything was done

I started dinner and jack came down to help without me asking and once dinner was on I spoke to him about stuff but it took a while for him to chill out from it all.

I did some exercise which I enjoyed actually as it was a work out to Kpop so it made a change

had a bath and then changed my new piercing, doing a face sheet with Oz and now gonna watch anime with Jack ^^

tomorrow is school

I do hope I manage, I know I am anxious I know I am

and at 10am I have a meeting with head of department about my absence 

I will do my best 

im taking a sleeping tablet tonight 0.0

Got my drawers!!

 Konbanwa~~~

I managed 50mins of exercise last night ^^ 

Had a much needed bath then waited for Jack and at 10:10pm I went to fetch him as I was tired and wanted to go to bed damn it!!

Took a while for me to sleep but I slept through the night and woke up at 8am

Jack helped me wash my hair this morning and then we went to my hair dressers where he got to meet my hair dresser and I wasnt in there long, just a quick tidy

we left there and went to collect my drawers!! which my god was an experience.....

they lived in the wood with 2 other houses, I say houses, mansion is a more correct word....

they had a huge house, 5 cars with a garage that could house 5 cars. One car was vintage you know the ones were you hand crank it at the front? yup one of those and in fantastic condition too

their front planter was big enough to bath 4 people at once, how it even got there I have no idea as you would probably need a crane to lift it there. Just everything big and expensive.

I got there thinking "I know these drawers wont be crap quality as I doubt these people have brought anything crap in their life!" nice elderly couple that used to live on my parents street!!!! small world that it is!!! Jack was only just able to lift the drawers up....they are SOLID and about 50 years old. Very good quality and they even threw in a free drawer! my car suspension went straight down and we only just fit it all into the car!

theyre a light colour, very thick, made in sweden, and my god they are high quality I am impressed. I think I will do them up but not 100% sure at the moment. I do like them. I would not get these for £35 in a shop. They would be probably be £300

we called in at Munchies sandwich bar for Jack's breakfast baguette 

we got home and I had a brew and fruit loaf whilst Jack ate his breakfast baguette 

But I felt he had been a bit off with me all day. Like distant. Like hes there in body but not mind.

I went round the house touching up the walls from the electricians then cleaned the bathroom. I had asked Jack if he would put my outside light up and number plaque as it didnt get done last weekend but I could tell he wasnt feeling it. I left him and found him on his computer. He hadnt talked to me about anything he just went on that. I know he was doing some job application for school

I left without saying bye and went to see mum and dad

came home to do dinner Jack came and greeted me

He had spent 3 hours doing a job application to which I said

"youve wasted 3 hours of this afternoon, getting nothing for house done, just to apply for a job oure not even going to get"

he said "thanks for your support"

i said "youre only applying to be an arsehole arent you? you said you were only gonna spend an hour doing it" 

he said "no actually i really want to get this job"

so at this point I was confused.

I thought he was applying to a dept head position that they hadnt specified that only teaching staff could apply for. So he thought he would be an arsehole, as a support staff, and apply. 

But he said "no this is a job i would do along side my current job its for staff welfare leadership" .....theres this job going? of course I havent been in school so therefor I havent seen the vacancies going.

I felt awful

I felt like such a jerk

I said I was sorry and told him I had clearly got the wrong end of the stick

he said that he hadnt explained it all properly 

we were ok

i told him I am supportive of whatever he is doing, dont fully appreciate what hes applying for and he didnt think hes gonna get it anyway he just wanted to try. I don't blame him for trying

We had dinner then we went for a nice evening walk, I was of course struggling for breath with my hayfever and asthma, which seems to be the norm at the moment when walking outside at the moment. I sound like someone really unfit! and have to use my inhaler 

we got back and I had a nice long soak in the bath whilst jack watched first dates with Oz.

I sat with Oz but I am gonna take him home now so we can watch anime and go bed!!!

tomorrow

we have the weekly shop then I have Oz to clean out and thats it really! I saw my dad today and gave him his fathers day present so I wont be seeing him on father day. Not sure what else I will do yet~

had ice cream and bought 2 chest drawers

 Evening

Ah I didnt get time to do my diary yesterday ><

But I started my day by searching for £1000 in 50 pound notes that my dad had given to me to give to the electrician. Could I find them? I was starting to feel sick. My dad had handed them to me when we had just come in from being turned away from the covid jab so my mind was not in the right place when they were handed to me!!!!! Jack helped and in the end chilled out playing pokemon before school - he doesnt usually do this - shows how much I had stressed him out. I got on with yoga, just as we were leaving for school I saw something under the tissue box in the kitchen....yup a wad of cash

THANK GOD 0.0

so that was me crippled with anxiety, all the way home from taking Jack to work. I called in at mum's on the way home as I needed chilling out and felt I would probably only go home to pace.

I had a cup of tea with her then she went to work

I took some  boxes home with me but I wasn't very settled at home I was still stressed out so in the end I went to sleep to escape all thought. So I can tell I still aint right in the head

I woke up and started transferring stuff from my old knackered boxes to my new ones

Then had lunch then I thought I would start on the draw I brought over from mum's and realised I need a chest of drawers to put stuff in T^T mum rang me at this point and I was grouchy with her as my plans had not gone right. She convinced me to go out for a walk with her XD

which worked out well actually as Jack txt to say Chris was dropping him and that he was gonna come in for a cup of tea which is great but would give me no time to work out. So worked out well as then I would have done a walk and yoga in the morning

mum left just before Jack and chris arrived. It was good to see someone from school in a way

I started running a bath whilst chris was here tho as we needed to get off to harveys soon

chris left and then I was in the bath, Jack had the bath after me. He then started running something by me about school cus he needed to and I wanted him to. However it did my stomach literally flip over. And when he talked about progressing his career and one day leaving I wanted to cry so he stopped there 0.0 yeah Jo is not able to cope with that right now, which made Jack feel awful. But he needed to talk to me about these things as he needed to arrange a meeting but wanted to talk to me about it first.

we set off for harveys it was just us 4 and the guys had wagamama's I had left overs which I enjoyed

then we had Kaspers for dessert, I ordered a waffle like the guys did. mine had white chocolate, fudge and oreo on it. It comes with a little pot of whipped vanilla ice cream. When it arrived, at first I had written the ice cream off as i knew I wouldnt have room for that and the waffle and wasnt holding out a lot for it's quality but I thought I would try it as its been months since I have had ice cream. It was so nice!!!! I then pinched a bit of my waffle toppings and ate it with the ice cream and I actually really enjoyed this! It was nice without being too sweet and sickly or heavy. I had a spoon of jack's waffle and it felt heavy. I knew what sort of feeling that waffle would give my stomach. So I finished my ice cream and told Jack I didnt want to eat my waffle. He said "its fine we will take it home" I didnt want to push my luck with food and I could hear food thoughts starting up too

we stayed til 9:30pm but my god did i need pain killers as harvey's living room seats are hard, no padding, outdoor seats T^T

we got home and I wanted drugs pure and simple. We had Oz in for 15mins he couldnt want to do toilet on his clean blanket at 10pm -_______-

then we went to bed, told Jack I was having food thoughts, he was like "it was a small pot of ice cream, you will be fine (weight wise)" I said "believe me, I KNOW" T^T doesnt stop the thoughts happening.

It took a long time for me to sleep even tho I had taken a sleeping tablet

today

I dropped Jack off for work and came back to find the electrician and his son outside.

so I had them in the study and craft room - where i wanted to be. plus the electric + internet was turned off. I literally couldnt do a damn thing. So i curled up on the sofa

they finished tho around 11am ^^ they even hung two new lights up for me which was nice of them. I paid them and they said they would help with any future electrics

I sorted out my boxes and then had lunch, then had Oz in, he 'helped' me sort out more boxes and then i booted him out. Mum came over at 2:30pm we had a cup of tea and she brought me food too ^^ Jack came home at 4pm and then mummy left. I spoke with Jack about school he said on monday I have got to have a meeting with head of science about my absence >< 

we had dinner and cleared up and Jack has gone to play D&D, he said he can skip if I wanted but I wanted him to enjoy himself after a hard week at work

I won a pair of drawers on ebay, which I am hoping I can collect tomorrow!

I need to do some exercise tonight, not even used my new weights yet!!

tomorrow

I have a hair cut at 9:30am then taking Jack to munchies for breakfast takeaway then hopefully collecting my drawers!

not sure what else will happen. I would like a few things drillings but see how Jack is first