Almost done the week and my canvas~

 Evening

I went to bed after a nice bath and hot chocolate, feeling okish, climbed into bed and read my mum's thoughtful card again and the next thing I knew the tears were off! It just made me really miss my mum and want to be better so I can spend time with her and others again

so it took a while to go to sleep last night. I did have to get up in the night for a massive wee like I feel I could have filled a 2L bottle. I got back to bed to find Jack muttering pokemon names in his sleep....yup even in his sleep hes a nerd!

I did my yoga in the morning and all was well so far til it got to about 7:15am and I went to the toilet and stayed on the toilet for 25mins dying. Yeah I didnt digest much! I had awful upset stomach

Not how I wanted to start my day

I did have a better day tho however

I did a bit more myself and less dead. Maybe my meds are helping

I helped out in a lesson, got my lessons sorted as well

I never saw the departments £200 worth of pizza they were ordering as  i wanted to get home as mum was coming over to have lunch with me. She was here when I got home and had put the girls outside too. 

It was nice to see my mummy ^^ she left me after an hour so I could go to bed as I was very tired

but I told her my day had felt better even if my stomach had not felt better

I went to bed for 90mins when I got up I had a brew and a tea cake as my stomach felt empty to be honest. 

I did some more work on my painting and I have gotten to the varnish stage I  am hoping to varnish later so it can dry over night and I can give it mum tomorrow.

We had dinner, I had leftovers and Jack had 3 slices of pizza he bought home from lunchtime

I rested on the bed after dinner as I had stomach ache

then we went for a walk as it had cooled down a bit, it got rather warm this afternoon!

On the walk we saw neighbours and my mum's friend who she is seeing tomorrow actually. Typically I was dressed as a right tramp haha but all well. I just wanted airy comfy clothes.

Our neighbour - who has an identical house to us said that he discovered today that his electrics are not earthed ether! whoever did our houses was a right cowboy I am sure!!!

we came in and had much needed showers

I am with Oz now who is eating and doing toilet, he usual two hobbies when he comes inside -___-

tomorrow

is last day of school this week thank blood god

I am hoping I can get through it

Mum says she will try see me for lunch again and I hope to give her the canvas, I must photograph it before I give it her.

Then I am by myself all evening as Jack will be playing D&D for 4 hours

Mummy is always thinking of me

 Konbanwa~~~

Taking my antidepressant earlier before bed actually really does help
I wasnt laying anxious in bed and soon went to sleep

I did my yoga this morning but felt like I would rather be going to sleep than going to school

we changed the bed before school and put the stew on

School was hard

its just too much at the moment somehow

I couldnt cope, my medication is making me so damn tired, its like a tranquiliser 

I am so shattered, its an fight just to keep my eyes open

I did feel the morning getting too much so I went to hide out in my car! Not the best thing to do but it was quiet, I could shut my eyes and breathe

I came back into school around 10am so I hadnt been gone long and I was just in time for Jack's £1000+ stationary delivery.....the crate weighed 117kg....yeah there was A LOT of stuff.

I told Jack I was struggling but somehow I was able to prep my lessons and finish my morning

when I got home I ate quickly whilst sitting with Oz and as I got up to go to bed the door went, it was mummy! I surprise visit ^^ She only stayed 5 mins as she was on he way back from having her hair cut but thought she would bring my parcels by. Not only that she had kindly brought me a little brown rabbit hanging ornament ^^ and a bunny card that says "Im here for you" it was so lovely I cried and told mum how hard it had been and how I wanted to see her. That I am too tired to do anything and I missed her. She understood and said she missed me and doesnt feel she is there enough for me right now but she is :)

I went to bed for 90mins and felt I could get the afternoon sorted

I sat down and outlined some of my painting which does look better for an outline. Id say I was half way there on the outline stage. Cant believe how long it is taking me to outline actually

think I will give it to mummy when it is done :)

I had a brew with Jack when he came home then I made some banana biscuits and then cooked his yorkshire pudding to go with the stew, the stew was bloody amazing 

Then we went for a walk as it was a really nice evening and you have to make the most of the sun lately as it keeps pouring down!

We just got back and I am gonna have my first bath in a week! Now my ear infection has passed I can have baths again. Jack will sit with Oz whilst I am in the bath then I will sit with him.

Im gonna have a hot chocolate tonight ^^

Tomorrow

it is school T^T and head of science says he wants to check up with me tomorrow or friday

but what is happening tomorrow is the science department is spending £200 on pizza....sweet jesus thats a lot of pizza. I cant eat any!!! Jack will eat my fill no doubt >.> my brother would on the scene if he could...

managed second day

 Evening

Once again I get anxious at night, lay in bed thinking about school. Then antidepressants kick in and I dont feel much of anything and so I fall asleep then

I woke up at my alarm at 6am and got up to do my morning yoga

I felt quite sicky anxious going to school

the morning was one long energyless slog

did not realise I had dropped off to sleep reading my body book.....woops ^^;

Jack said no one saw -_____- he shouldnt allow me to conk out!!

I got all my jobs done tho what Jack asked of me

Couldnt wait to leave tho, I had had enough

I got home and had lunch with Ozwald

then I went to bed for almost 90 mins

did I feel better for it? nope T^T how unfair is that!?

what a waste of time >.>

but I had promised Jack that would actually relax today so I guess it was relaxing

I got up and rang my mum as she would have liked to have seen me but told me to tell her how I felt, so I rang her and said I was knackered. We spoke for half hour which was easier on me than having her over for 2 hours. 

I then did a bit of  painting and Jack came home

I had tea and fruit loaf as I have actually been hungry today but I worry about being greedy. Jack says im not greedy im hungry and it must be draining being tired and anxious all the time.

We decided as it was no long pouring with rain that we would go for a walk! so we went for a walk before dinner which I really enjoyed actually

we came back and did dinner. Ended up literally cutting and chopping for an hour as I had sausage pasta to cook and stew to prep for the morning. It was never ending!

I had a shower whilst Jack cleared up then he had a shower after me. It was like 7:15pm and we had both finished our chores for the day! so that was a good feeling. I sat and painted. Got all the colour on and it just needs outlining now. It does look better actually, still not holding out an awful lot for it tho!

I was with Ozwald, we gave each other lots of fuss

now just waiting for Jack to come off his new game with theo >.> knew he would get carried away on his first play of it

tomorrow

school >< kinda dont wanna go, all I wanted to do today was sleep. But hopefully tomorrow will be better. It was last wednesday I got to 9:30am and cracked hopefully it will not be a repeat of last week

I managed my first half day

 Evening~~

I was a bit tense last night ^^; we were in bed for 9:45pm but it took me an hour to fall asleep

I woke up at 1:30am needing a massive wee but ended up falling over twice in the bedroom!!

Its those antidepressants, they mess with a lot in the head

to say I fell over twice in the bedroom, it did not wake the sleeping Jack.....0.0"

How is that possible? Anyway I took my time and walked slowly to the bathroom

Luckily I fell asleep til morning, didnt want to get up and face the day but I did

I did my morning yoga and gave Oz his morning carrot and locked him up in the garage

no point in taking him to mum for a few hours

School, ahhhhh I managed I guess

I did keep feeling dizzy and heart was beating out of rhythm 

Jack told me if I all I did today was socialise then that is fine. He wants me to build my confidence back up and enjoy work so  I have a positive experience. I did socialise a fair amount but I also wanted to prep my lessons if only so Jack wouldnt have to do my biology lessons. Luckily I only had 1 lesson to do and it was running stuff off the photocopier. done.

I was struggling to get through my 4 hours tho I have to say

but as soon as it got to my 4 hours Jack announced it and said I could go home

I didnt waste any time and was out the door!

I got home at 12:15, got Oz in and had my soup with him. Then I had an hour in bed

when I got up I spent like the next 3 hours+ in the kitchen

I did loads and made lots of mess too XD

I made fish cakes, just made the recipe up as I went along but they turned out great

I made biscuits using a recipe I saw on youtube, but I adapted that.

I cooked my breakfast chicken for the week

I made dinner

did the washing up so Jack wouldnt despair at the sheer amount of pots and mess ^^;

he really appreciated the meal but told me he would like me to actually rest tomorrow. I struggle to rest even when I am tired. I am sure I am ADHD

After dinner I did a bit of painting, I just keep doing bits and pieces to it. I think its coming together but I think it looks like a 5 year old has done it.....

Oz is playing out in the drizzling rain like hes some feral uncared for bunny. 

I need to do some exercise as I havent done any today and I will hear from my body if I do nothing

I feel chubs, Jack keeps telling me I am not fat and I know I am not but I do wonder what I weigh. When I walked past the classrooms today I could see my reflection in the glass doors and I think my legs look skinny. I dont see how they can be. Who knows

tonight just exercise and not sure what else, might do more on my painting

tomorrow

is school~~ I hope I get through the day T^T 

then I will try take it easy when I come home at midday ><

Returning to work again tomorrow

 Evening

I managed to sleep last night, I did feel off but didnt need to get up luckily, I was feeling anxious about school tho. Stupid when its like over a day away

We woke up at 8am and got up and ready to go shopping, I decided to curl my hair today but even after using 3 products in my hair, my curls fell out. Its important to take care of yourself in bad depression as you can quite easily get into the habit of not caring for your self or your appearance 

I managed shopping 

we got back and unpacked then sat with a brew with Ozwald who was so giddy and happy bless him

then Jack cut up my stuff for my soup this week, it was good to make my cauldron of fish soup and it actually tasted really good. I cleaned Oz out whilst it was cooking

I kept working on my canvas throughout the day

we did a walk which was nice

I didnt get round to dusting my room as I ended up spending an hour on my bed just exhausted. Jack said not to push myself. I was gonna bring over stuff from mums as well today but couldnt face it and didnt have the energy really. So I left it but still went to see mum for an hour and saw the pigs, checked molly's cyst too. 

I came back and I did our dinner ---- noodles!

we havent had noodles since my diet, Jack suggested it and I wanted to try it but didnt want to use a ready made sauce. So I said I would do it if I could cook my own food/meat for it and make a broth and he was cool with that. I totally winged it with how I made it. But I tried to make it look good so I sprinkled sesame seeds over the meal, placed a fried egg on top too and drizzled soy sauce over it :3 it looked really good actually. Jack said it tasted really good ^^

After dinner I did a bit more of my painting, if I am honest it looks total crap right now but I am hoping by the time more colour is on it and an outline it will take shape better

Jack and I are currently sat with a face pack on, part of my self-care. Theres too much for one person in a packet so I got him to join in as well X3 he doesnt mind. I haven't done a face pack in agesssss.Then we will go in the shower and sit with Ozwald. Jack says he doesnt mind having an early night if it means less stress for me. He has been spending a lot of time with me lately cus hes worried. So I feel I take up his time >< He says hes happy to play pokemon in bed tho

i might do my nails tonight as well maybe, or just put a strengthener on them at least

I have got my stuff ready for school tomorrow, I feel sick at the sight of my uniform....

I really want to be back on form and do this, it feels better knowing I am only there for 4 hours. I am sure I can manage 4 hours. But Jack says if I cant then to just stay til break time. 

I can do this, I want to be able to do this.

I have so many people supporting me, I feel I need to build my confidence back up with work.

I told mum I would let her know how I get on and stuff.

I shall do my best

first day of more antidepressants

 Evening

I am currently sat with hair dye in my hair, waiting to be able to wash it off! I wasn't gonna bother again but here I am XD

So last night was my first night of having and extra antidepressant and yeah I felt it...I was clammy, felt sick and white as a ghost. I felt so rotten that in the end I asked Jack if he would get up with me and have a hot chocolate in the hope it would make me feel less sick. It did help and we returned to bed at 11:45pm. To say I felt restless I didnt have any of the stress and anxiety that usually goes with it. So maybe tablets are good for emotions

I slept til 6am after that then woke up at 8:30am

we got up and got ready for the day and was surprisingly out the door for 9:15am. Jack did all the driving this morning and did really well.

we went to the range first and I got some art supplies, as I hope to do a piece to get me out of this funk with art I am in at the moment. So got paints pen, canvases, paintbrushes, varnish. Jack got treats and then we went B&M for stuff school and cider for Jack.

We drove then to the river and went for a good walk. I enjoyed it as it was only 16c today so a lot more bearable. I was done in afterwards

we came home for a cup of tea and a sit with Ozwald, who couldnt keep still long enough to do toilet. I have never known a rabbit to be so excited to pee on a towel before but here we are --_____--

We had lunch then I assisted Jack in planing my cupboard under the stairs door as since the carpets it just wont shut but he got it to shut ^^

I started my canvas by literally doing a grey wash background. Then I went to bed for a bit after I brought up a bit of sick 

when I got up I did a rough outline on my canvas, cleaned the bathroom, went on my laptop for a bit, did dinner, after dinner I started adding colour to my canvas but I am leaving it to dry now.

I tried doing some exercise, did a 12 min video but my body was shaking and Jack agreed I needed to listen to my body and actually rest. 

So I went and dyed my hair which I was gonna do tomorrow but I was in the mood to faff with it tonight so yeah I have painted my hair purple and red again at the front XD I hope it turns out ok!!

Not sure yet what I will do tonight, I was in bed for 8:30pm last night as I couldnt keep my eyes open any longer so I didnt wait for Jack I just went to bed ><

Tomorrow

its food shop, Oz cage clean out, making soup for the week

said I would try see mum too

probably do some more on my canvas and not sure what else really

actually got somewhere with my doctor

 Evening

It wasn't until I got to bed did I realise that I didnt do my diary!!

So yesterday I was lucky to have chris come and collect Jack for school

which I was really grateful of as I was shattered

I spent the day resting really as there wasnt much else I could do! I was a bit of a corpse ^^;

my mum came to see me and dropped off some parcels

I had a telephone call with the doctor to basically ask for some help

this is what has come of it all

for the next 2 weeks at school I will be working til lunch time, I have a doctors note for it

I am upping my antidepressants as of today

The doctor said he had in fact referred me for mental health help

so yeah I dont feel like I am in a pit of despair so much as I now have something to help, something to try

he warned me not to ever overdose on these tablets and that i need to have my blood pressure checked in a month. It increases blood pressure but my blood pressure is naturally low so i am not concerned.

after dinner we walked over to mum and dad's so I could give my brother a mug I ordered him for work as his work mug broke, he was pleased with it then we walked back and that short walk literally did me in. 

In the evening as we had finished Chobits - which was really good - we started watched Ouran high school host club. I have had on dvd for years but jack hasnt seen it

I told him to continue watching the episode as I had to go die on the toilet as for some reason when the night came round, my anxiety heightened. 

we got to bed and I had to dash to the toilet once again. Jo is no longer digesting food it seems. I was dying on the toilet til 11:15pm -_____-

safe to say I was shattered at 6am today. I could have done without the school run but knew I had to get on with it. The closer we got to school the more anxious I felt.

i was so churned up with anxiety that I called into mum's on the way home as I knew she was going out at 9am anyway

so I got to relax with the sows. Molly isnt doing so well with her lumps. Her tummy lump has burst and scabbed over, she has a lump on her leg and mum said she thinks she felt one on her bum earlier. We are unsure what they are fully. The vet says cysts but without an actual biopsy we wont know

she seems fine and doesnt mind you touching them. I told mum to not worry and keep them clean. Bless molly mole

I left mum when she went out and I came home to bed for 90mins as I was shattered

when I woke up I looked at shelving online but didnt see anything I liked. Then I wrote my cousin and email finally.

I had my lunch then mum came round and we went for a short walk, I managed to dust the living room whilst talking to her which gave me a sense of achievement. I also started upping my meds today

mum left when Jack came home

I cut his hair and we had dinner once he had had a shower

it was raining during dinner but as we couldnt see Oz we assumed he was in the garage.  We assumed wrong...we saw a wet bunny run out the bushes -_____- so he had decided to sit in the garage during the day when it was just cloudy but play out when it was raining!?

so I went out to him and he was shivering and shaking his coat. pudding

i tried to towel dry him inside but he was having none of it so I just let him groom himself.

we have given him treats and carrot and hes now snoring on the carpet. Jack sat with him whilst I exercise for 15mins and had a shower.

I will take him home soon bless him

Jack is playing D&D tonight so I am by myself

not sure what we are doing this weekend to be honest

dont wanna do myself in anyway

i have the usual jobs to do anyway

i told jack that when i started my antidepressants i became quite numb, which is a usual feeling with mental medication and these tablets are actually quite nasty as far as antidepressants go. But they work for me! So I warned him i might go a bit detached and to just bare with me. But he seemed fine with it all. He has been on antidepressants before so he knows the score