amazing how it varies

 Evening

I feel I didn't sleep too well. I kept waking up cold and achy which wasnt nice. I also got up for a wee. I felt tired when i got up this morning.

I was anxious in the car about school

and I have had an off day - mentally - today

I have teared up at work, I got frustrated with myself. I have allowed myself to be mentally drained which has drained my energy. Jack ended up helping me a lot today with my jobs as I was just so done. I felt like I weighed double. Everything was an effort. I couldnt wait to go home

I had a lot of practicals, I got spoken to rudely by a certain teacher who I dont like. She is so rude to me which sets my anxiety off massively. Sometimes I feel stupidly anxious about fetching her stuff in from her classroom as I am worried about what she is going to say to me. Its no bullying, shes just rude.

We got home and I had a tea and some fruit loaf then 50mins in bed as I was done. Jack went to garden with Oz. Wish I had that energy. Then I did 30mins of yoga which was hard but felt better for doing it. We had dinner and now I think I will have a bath.

Doing nothing else tonight anyway

Jack was gaming last night but came to bed the same time as me as Harvey and Theo were tired so they all finished at 9pm! I think Jack is coming to bed with me tonight. I wish to be cuddled up with him.

I want an easy night of nothingness

tomorrow is school

got the same amount of practicals TT^TT

I hope theres no tears tomorrow tho

I wish to have a better day tomorrow

amazing how mental health varies day to day - hour to hour

yesterday I did really well at work. Totally different story today

Molly and Oz

 Po~n

So last night when I got into bed, I realised I had a txt from my mum

she said she had fallen over...I felt instantly sick and worried.

I knew tomorrow (today) she was at the vets with Molly, so I couldnt see her

so I got up and got ready quick, I was out the house for 7am and drove to see mummy, leaving Jack behind, he was gonna walk to the street corner where the DT technician waits for us to pick him up. Mummy was very surprised and happy to see me

she told me she got rained on with her friends and she slipped on wet leaves, had an umbrella in one hand and just slipped, and landed on her knees. She said we was quite shook up by it but managed not to cry in front of her friends. She had a small cut on one knee from gravel and a bruise on the other knee. She was grateful she hadnt put her back out.

I said my goodbyes and went to pick up the men

I was anxious at school

but think it was just because of the practical I had ahead of me but Jack helped me through all of it which really helped. I got all my jobs done and was able to do a bit of art at the end of the day

I got home and mum rang me to tell me about Molly Mole

the vet said she looked good

she could COULD have a urine infection so prescribed antibiotics once a day

she said failing that it is probably cancer but wont know without blood tests - blood tests are hard to get from a piggie

so mum is going for a antibiotic course

she said molly was so stressed tho, she even bit mum!! molly NEVER bites but she had clearly had enough of being looked at bless her. We dont want to stress her out

I did biscuits, my exercises whilst jack showered, did dinner, then went on my laptop, got in the bath then got Oz in, Jack is gaming tonight so I can go bed whenever

I didnt realise today i didnt lock Oz's door up...hes been able to play in the garden and garage all day. I felt sick and so stupid. Anything could have happened to him!! I was clearly busy thinking about mum, molly, practical. But he is fine. I had put him in his cage just not locked the door. Only takes for him to lean against it or nudge it to discover ITS OPEN

my plants on the other hand are not

they have been savaged.........TT^TT

tomorrow is school 

1 in 20 kids

 Konbanwa~

I slept well despite Jack not coming to bed at the same time as me

it meant i could get 9 hours sleep before school. It was nice not waking up feeling like death and super tired. It is a big help!

It felt weird leaving Jack at home so he could go for his blood test. He was more bothered about making a toastie than his blood test XD He asked me, nicely, if I would take the DT technician >.> I have resigned myself that I have probably got to take him these last two weeks of term, then theres two weeks off, plenty of time for him to sort a car out. Im sick of it. He doesnt even offer fuel money and hes so grouchy.

School, to say Jack wasnt with me on a monday morning, actually went ok

I felt like I was very much living off adrenalin but I got it all done and no one stressed me out which was nice, we have another science teacher off, potentially to covid shes gonna wait for her test results. Apparently 1/20 school kids have covid! I dont know why no where is wearing masks or anything

all we got was a patronising email saying "can staff remember to wash there hands"....load of good thats gonna do when its the kids that are super spreaders and super grim!

Jack arrived at 10am and he helped me a difficult prac, I am usually fine with it and even get it to work but theres a new method this year. I am well annoyed. New method, new chemicals >.> 

Mum txt to say Molly has lost 10 more grams to shes booked her in at 4pm at the vets. You still cant go in with your pet. I hope shes ok but glad shes getting looked at.

Got home and had tea and fruit loaf, dinner and then exercise and then just sitting with Jack and Oz. I am aiming to be in bed for 9! Jack seems ok about it tonight but said he might not be able to join me every night as some nights he just aint tired that early which is fair enough.

I confessed to him my thoughts about self harm and how I hate my body, how I hear voices in my head when I eat to - stop eating. He was supportive. Its just not nice talking about these things.

tomorrow is school

it is also the anniversary of having Truffle and Tilly 2 years!

she's lost another 30g

 Evening

I couldnt sleep last night, I was aching. So I got up for pain killers, then I had to get up for something to eat as pain killers made me feel sick. It was gone midnight by the time I got off to sleep. But I slept through til 8am

we got up and had breakfast together. Then we went to do our weekly shop which I did find a bit hard - mentally - this week. But got it done

Came home and had biscuit and cup of tea with Oz, and then we made my soup, whilst my soup was cooking Jack helped me with my biology homework which was quite tricky and I needed support with it as it was a 6 mark written question....but i feel happy with what I wrote. Jack checked it over before I wrote it up in my booklet. So grateful of his help!

we finished watching That certain magical index whilst eating lunch

I did drawing after lunch and through the day

I supported Jack with the garden, he got a bit further with the help of Oz.....hes literally on the spade at times. He likes to be involved. Hes in an affection mood today ^^ I am also in a better mood than yesterday thank god.

I had look for stuff online, like anime dvds, weed killer, jumper for Jack's sister's birthday

Had dinner which was good

got ready for school

Jack is gaming and not coming to bed with me tonight as I asked him to XD I kinda want to be in bed for 9pm so yeah I want an early night.

I have got my exercise to do yet, bath and Oz. I will have a pamper in the bath :) 

tomorrow

its school, but Jack is not coming with me as hes got a blood test in the morning so I am going school by myself - unless I have to give the Dt technician a lift >.> like I have been doing all this term.....

Jack will be fine, I am also gonna get up at 6:30am so I get longer in bed, Because theres only one of us to get out the house on time. Might as well try and have as much time in bed as possible!

But yeah just school tomorrow really :/ 

Molly has lost another 30g since thursday I think? so mum said shes gonna ring vets up. But shes happy and purring so I dont know whats up with her

also found out my oldest cousin got married yesterday! would have been nice to have been told instead of finding out on my other cousin's instagram. But whatever XD I mean I wouldnt have gone even if I had been invited. Means I dont gotta invite them if I ever get married. But why not tell us? we're gonna find out. Dead weird.

I hope Molly is ok...

 Konbanwa

I went to bed by myself last night at like 9:45pm and was woken up an hour later by Jack coming to bed, I gave him a quick cuddle and fell back to sleep

Woke up at 7:30am and ate breakfast alone for half hour then went to wake jack up at 8am

he laid on the sofa for 2 hours straight whilst I....

got ready

cleaned Oz out

cleaned the bathroom

made biscuits

made a shopping list

he did nothing

it did annoy me

I left him and went to see my mum and brother for 90mins then came home for lunch

mum had kinda brought us both a cake from bakewell ^^

I got hold the girls for a bit too, molly lost 40g this week. Not sure whats up with her as she seems totally normal and happy and eating, not dribbling or quiet. Mum says shes gonna see how she goes over the weekend and see if she needs vets....

After lunch I went to bed for 2 hours I was tired

but when I woke up I felt no different. no better off what so ever

what a waste of time that was! I dont get any time for myself as it is!!!

I felt a bit flat all afternoon but tried to get on with some drawing

then I flopped on the bed at 4pm and then stayed there for 10mins and got up to announce I was going for a walk, despite it raining - still

Jack insisted on joining me even tho I probably wasnt the best of company

doesnt help that I forgot to take my antidepressant at lunch.... this year I forgot so much medication

we went for a good walk in our new black coats

then came back had baths and then did dinner, so it was a different routine

I then did some drawing, getting further with the 2nd picture

Ive made Jack sit with Oz as I sat with him this afternoon, he was alone in a cardboard box in the garage as it was raining outside. so I gave him company. Jack never sits with him anymore. its gone back to always being more or sometimes both of us.

I wont be late in bed tonight as I am quite tired

tomorrow

food shop, make soup, cook my breakfasts for the week, biology homework, exercise

then there might be some time left for me...

maybe

I have Myres Irlen Syndrome

 Evening

ahhhh another week done

Last night I did sleep, however I  had a nightmare about my dad abusing me and so in my sleep I kneed Jack in the back (he told me in the morning) I woke up from my nightmare as I was about to be slapped in the face by dad, I went to bite his hand and actually bit my pillow....hard...XD but woke me up

I was not feeling it today, just couldnt be arsed to turn up for work

I mean work was ok, I messed up a practical by adding too much chemical so it worked that fast the students couldnt time it...woops...didnt realise til about 3 hours afterwards but I confessed my sins to Luke whos practical it was. He was totally fine and said he was over it XD

I managed to do some art which was nice but not much as me and Jack spent a lot of time tidying up the prep room as we both didnt have loads on today and the prep room was a mess. Luckily I have no practicals on monday which is good.

When I was leaving school mum said she had ran into traffic on her way home from derby with dad

they had gone out for the day to cycle through bakewell. But traffic on the way home made them take an hour longer than normal. So she asked me if I would take the pigs to my house or put them out in her garden. But I wasnt sure what time she would make it home and she was planning on seeing me when she got home but I kinda wondered if that was gonna be possible

so I put the pigs out in her garden

and it was a good job I did as it usually takes an hour to drive back from there. Took them 2 and half hours. I said to her I would see her tomorrow morning. To just get home, chill out from the traffic, and relax as shes been cycling for 2 hours as well today. And if it was me Id just want to get home and not socialise.

We had dinner, but I fell asleep on my bed for half hour so Jack had to wake me so I could make dinner ><

He went to go game and I did 20mins of exercise then showered and now with Oz

Tomorrow

probably clean bathroom, do biology homework, shopping list, clean Oz out and then see mum in the morning and then come home for lunch, sleep and god knows about the afternoon. But I am glad its the weekend

I got sad news today that my uncle has had covid and my cousin got it from him yesterday. Shes poorly on the sofa and I hope he is looking after her as she doesnt sound good. I hope shes gonna be ok. shes double jabbed but her body isnt in the best of conditions. 

I sat and read my dyslexic report at school today. It was done in 2010

and what a spaz I am

it does say my IQ (in 2010)  is high average so that was a plus

but yeah what I read, I can not believe I didnt get help in school.

I also have myres irlen syndrome.....first I knew of it!!! 

that has links with ADHD - I googled what the hell it even was

so I decided then and there I would go to a GP and go talk about ADHD. So I am booked in on 22nd I believe to do that.

its weird as I feel I never read my dyslexic report, my mum has when it was first done but I dont know if I bothered to read it. Whats more, I dont even remember doing the dyslexic test but from reading it, its an intensive test. 

Miho got her gifts!

 Konbanwa~~~

I slept ok but I still felt tired when I got up

I was also anxious, very anxious. And not even sure what I was anxious about!

All day nothing has sat right in my stomach. I have been hungry all day like no food leaves my stomach to my intestines like I have 'road closed' sign up after my stomach. But food has been giving me stomach ache as well. Every sodding meal. I had to hot bag on my stomach on the way to school and I have had it with me a lot today.

I was anxious at school and a bit teary 

I was anxious about  my biology lesson

and there was enough to do today but wasnt run off  my feet like yesterday luckily. I still got very little time for art or anything fun.

I just wanted to come home

I did have extra food with me at school today but made no difference T^T

I came home and had a cup of tea with mum and Jack

then had dinner which was pizza for jack and stew out the freezer for me.

then died with stomach ache for an hour

then I did 15mins of exercise and had a hot bath

not done anything else really

I am shatttered

I dont care what Jack choses to do tonight but I am in bed for 9pm

I need sleep!!!

Tomorrow is school and thank bloody god it is friday

on a better note

Miho received her gifts from me today!! she really liked them and her son Leo loved the Molcar plush I sent them and the guinea pig books she was even kind enough to send me a bit of footage of him saying he had got a Molcar <3 hes only 2 ^^ We both said we would like to do it again

I might suggest in the new year as we can maybe pick up some stuff in january sales. I am glad we have both enjoyed it tho. I t was a fun experience and I am actually really happy she is up for it again ^^