its finally over and we are rewarded with pokemon

 I've done it

I got through the week

somehow

without taking any time off

It was a huge effort

I slept better last night thank god but I didnt want to go today and my body felt so tired and worn out. School was just as difficult. I didnt enjoy it. I just wanted to go home

had a bit of asthma attack at school which drained the life out of me

My mum was having several rooms in her house recarpeted today and my  brother had the second part of his interview, he was getting stressed out by the carpets and asked if he could use my house I said this was fine. He made good use of my craft room desk. He was working on his mac book til his interview. Mum made him and herself some lunch and they both in my house XD it was fine and I was glad they felt comfortable enough to do that. Mum also was kind enough to make jack some biscuits, clean the bathroom and kitchen and hoover up!! I am sure cleaning is coping strategy, she found new carpets stressful as it means dust XD

mum came back over for a brew, it was  lovely to see her after school as I havent seen her since the weekend. She also brought a very important delivery.....new pokemon games!!!

Poor Jack just wanted to play on it but waited til after dinner as my brother came in and started telling us about his interview so it was nice having my brother and mum over together ^^ then me and jack had dinner. I laid on the bed afterwards as i was dead.  Jack started pokemon XD I havent been on it yet but think hes had a good hour on it and seems happy with it

I couldnt do any exercise as I am EXHAUSTED and my lungs still burn from asthma

I had a hot bath and now we are gonna watch anime, go bed and play anime ^^

Oz has had the girls over today and hes been inside with us, hes tired bless him

tomorrow

got Oz to clean out, Jack wants TK MAX and I said I would see mum at 11am for a brew~

I NEED an easy weekend

crying into a chest at 1am

 Evening

Last night was god awful

I was in bed for 9pm but got up twice as I couldnt sleep

by 1am I broke up crying, I went to get Jack as I couldnt do it anymore. So he was woken by me crying into his tshirt at 1am.....sorry jack....He was actually totally fine about being woke up.  Hes so supportive he doesnt ever say anything unkind or unhelpful he just made me a tea and fruit loaf and listened to my worries whilst cuddling me. I just cried. I was so tired and done.

I am suppose to take a max of 8 Zapain pain killers per day. I had taken 16....the most I have ever taken in 24 hours. I was so desperate for pain relief

I had gotten so stressed about work, about how busy it is gonna be and how crap I will feel. Jack said "just dont go its fine" I couldnt bare to leave him to it so I said I was going no matter what. It was gone 2am by the time I fell asleep so I managed to get about 4 hours sleep if that

Safe to say I felt like death this morning. My eyes stung and my eyelids were massive, red and puffy. I looked awful

I did nothing at work for over an hour. I couldnt even think. I stayed out the way in a corner of the office

I have done bits and pieces today but nothing major to be honest I cant cope with it all

I did miss my lesson but I have a copy of the test to take home with me

We came home and Jack made me tea and fruit loaf and I sat with Oz. I then died on the bed as I needed the rest. Jack went to the toilet and I think Oz wondered where we had gone and I heard him under the bed XD so I had to get him from under there which was fine. He had dinner with us and I am about to do some bunny yoga with him. By which I mean I will be doing some yoga and he will be a hinderance no doubt XD Then I will have a bath, anime, bed

I miss seeing my mum but I have nothing to give her but I said I would try see her tomorrow, also she might have the new pokemon game delivered by then too

tomorrow

its randomly non-uniform day but I have no enthusiasm for it as I am so tired and the school is so damn hot I just sweat to death anyway.

I will come home and hopefully see mum then we are gonna play some pokemon!

please please, can I have a better night's sleep tonight. I dont think I will make school tomorrow on 4 hours sleep again. I have not sleep through the night for such a long time now TT^TT

Probably gonna be missing my test tomorrow

 Konbanwa

I had a bit better night's sleep

I was in bed for 8:45pm and I was watching Jack game on Pokemon Quest, and drifting off to sleep at 10pm, I got up for a wee and woke up cold but I think my body benefited from not exercising and actually resting after work yesterday. I still didnt want to go school tho >.>

School was awful again

just soooo much going off

I was messing up, things werent getting done properly, no one helps. Its just been awful. I hope to god that Julia or Jack dont ever take a week off. If a teacher was off there would be a paid cover staff member. Support staff off  - others pick up the absence. Which I feel makes us look like we're not as busy as teachers! Yeah right! We have like 100+ lessons to prep a day

I got a bit snarky with a member of staff who always talks to me rudely and today was no exception and I was so fed up of it and tired not to mention the running round I had done for her today. She wasnt meant to hear my snarky comment but I didnt realise she hadnt left the room ^^; she left the room and didnt say anything. She never said thank you or sorry today. Thats how she is. She makes me massively stressed. She has practicals tomorrow too -______-

I was dead on my feet and holding tears in

we got home and I brought oz in straight away. he gave me licks and made me feel better about my day

then we had a different routine tonight, I felt grim from my day sweating at work (from running around - the sweat was running down my back) and so I decided to exercise first then eat.

I put Oz home so I could exercise - his little face thinking I had put him home for the night without his evening treat - as if I would dare!! I was like "no no Oz, youre coming in again later so no treat yet" but of course he doesnt understand. bless him

so I did a grow with Jo for 20mins then appilated then had a shower then did dinner, which didnt take much as we put the stew on in the morning

I got Oz in after we ate. He gave me licks. I tried to do some revision for my test tomorrow but I wasnt feeling it. My brain is just fried. I got all the questions jack wrote for me, wrong. He said I am not in the right frame of mind tonight and to leave it. We also said that realistically I cant go and do the test tomorrow.

Jack needs me as it will leave him alone for an hour to man 10 classrooms

I might not sleep cus of worrying about the test - I NEED SLEEP

I will probably be shattered if I did do the test and not in the right frame of mind and not do as well as I could do. So Jack says I can take a copy home with me and do it over the weekend.

means I am missing my lesson T^T but the only thing we're doing in lesson is the test so I wont miss much I guess! 

So we're just fussing Oz but hes going home in a minute so we can watch anime and go to bed as I am done ><

tomorrow is another practical heavy day - the heaviest day all week

god help us.....

it was so hard today I was in fainting territory

 Konbanwa~~~

Did not sleep well....

was up til 1am

I was in pain and stressing about school and then stressing that I would be too tired for school. I overdosed by 3 times and even then I didnt sleep through the night. It was so unfair. I was so shattered this morning

We got to school

and to say we told the teachers Julia isnt in all  week, it meant basically nothing to them. its been full speed all day. Its been so so so full on. I cried. I was shaking from head to toe as my body was so fatigued and I was getting into fainting territory it was not good

Jack was helping a lot of course he was but he was rushed off his feet too

he kept telling me to sit, said i looked like death

it was crazy hard

I txt mum to say I cant see her after school. I was so defeated

I got home and had fruit loaf I didnt want and a cup of tea. I havent wanted food all day or really. Been a bit too stressed to want or enjoy food

I brought Oz inside, he didnt get long outside as it was dark and he looked  like he wanted to come in :/ So he got spoiled indoors to say the least

I did a different recipe tonight, totally winged it. Noodles and fish. It was ok but I found it a bit sickly, Jack enjoyed it. He doesnt even understand sickly XD

I didnt go any exercise tonight. Trying to tell myself its OK today have a day off. I was worried if I worked out I would faint. I am literally hanging on.

I did 2 maths questions jack set me. He marked them and said I got them right! at first I thought he was just being nice, to try save my feelings. But no I actually got them RIGHT. Something must be going in I guess!

I made some biscuits reluctantly. I ran out and I am fed up of making and eating them. Jack said I would be hungry as I have nothing in place of them. he said he would buy store made cookies - they are very bad for you. I said it was a lovely gesture, and hes right, I will be hungry. But I cant bring myself to eat those cookies. I feel it would be another reason to be up at night - food thoughts. So I made my biscuits, knowing theyre better for me

I had a nice hot bath like perfect temperature 

then just here waiting for bed. Gonna watch anime then go bed. I have asked if I can watch Jack play pokemon quest like I did last night, It was quite soothing watching him.

New pokemon on friday! After suffering all week we get a nice treat~

If I dont sleep tonight I am unsure what state I will be in for work tomorrow....but I cant bare to leave jack to it....theres so much to do its unreal

Hardly any maths after all!!!!

 Evening

gods sake to say I even took medicated sleeping tablets, did I sleep!? did I bob. I fell asleep quick but I didnt remain asleep T^T I need rhino tranquiliser to put me out >.>

I woke up just before my alarm at 6:15am and thought "normally on insec days we dont need to be in til 8:30am not 7:50am so I woke Jack up and said this. We laid in bed together til 7am which was nice. Jack says I fell asleep on him and drooled as well on him! I have no dignity T^T

I didnt want to go school but it was nice wearing non-uniform

The school day was actually ok. But because no one wanted to work they kept coming to talk to us and it was exhausting me having 20-30min conversations. Looking healthy and well, giving my best energy. I was about done in! I had lunch by myself as Jack had his in cafe as it was free. I could have brought mine down to eat with him but I find the cafe stressing 

I got a lot of my jobs done but I did run out of energy and didnt get it all done

I took some boxes home and dropped them off at mum's. It was nice finishing at 3:05 not 3:50 so we've had a bit more time today at least

Jack took my biology test home and soon realised there wasnt even that much math on there, and certainly none at HIS level. So he wrote a couple of practice questions. I got them both wrong but I know what I did wrong and understood it. Unlike yesterday...Im gonna hopefully have more time tonight to revise. Then I have exercise to do. I plan on doing just dance again with weights as I really quite enjoyed that.

I have Oz inside with me, brought him in around 3 hours ago, hes a pain, always wanting fuss and food XD I will put him away after my revision so I can play just dance without tripping on him. Jack says he might or might not come bed with me but will watch anime with me. He came to bed with me last night as he couldnt be bothered to go on his PC

tomorrow is school

first day of not having Julia AND lessons.....not gonna be pretty.....

Feel like crap and my confidence in my science work is at an all time low

 Evening

I still got up for 2 wees in the night, its so annoying. I slept til 7:15am apart from that.

I got up with Jack and we had breakfast together.

I then got some actual free time to myself to do a bit of painting which was nice

we did our weekly food shop which I was not in the mood for at all but we got it done

we came home and unpacked and had tea cake and tea with Ozwald. He knows the routine XD

Then we did soup, whilst it was cooking I planted grass seeds in a patch that I didnt get round to doing. It only took me just under half hour but my god if I thought I had back before I certainly had back afterwards. Sweet jesus it hurt T^T but luckily it didnt hurt too much after my just dance with weights from last night - really thought I was gonna hurt from that one 0.0

So I had my lunch and went to bed and just dozed, I couldnt fall asleep as I was in too much pain. It it soul destroying when you try and escape pain that pain keeps you awake. Its like never ending torture.

I got up as my parents were coming round, we are looking after dad's motorbike for a week as they need to garage space so he brought that round. Mum had a quick fuss of Oz, he came running to her when she called him which was sweet. They didnt stay as I didnt want dad to stay.

I then suggested to do a walk with Jack as the sun was actually out so we did a half hour walk which killed me off.

We came in and I had fruit loaf and tea

then we sat for an hour together doing some biology revision

I cried

pure and simple I broke down crying

I can't do this

I am not good at maths in the slightest. 

how does anyone do maths in science? what the hell is standard form? significant figures? converting? and the way he naturally does it too it even more depressing. Its like we are just adding 2 and 2. i couldnt do it and still cant do it. When he thought about it he was like "yeah maybe I am doing A-level maths with you"

just maybe!? it was freakin' university level!! it was horrendous 

Its put my confidence to the floor

its flat as a pancake

how I am gonna pass this test on thursday I have no idea TT^TT

he said hes gonna look at my test, see what I am tested on - and the LEVEL

i think he was doing level 10 when I am like level 4

I left it after an hour as I felt like crap about myself. he was sorry.

I finished off my canvas after that ordeal! needed something good in my life to say the least

its ok, i mean its nothing fantastic and I dont know what I will do with it ether :/ 

I did dinner and decided against my first decision, to make some more biscuits

however I totally made up the recipe! didnt look at any recipe or weigh anything! just see how it turned out, wanted to try and make them 'healthier' so they have hardly any butter in or sugar and more oats and egg. a few chocolate chips and I shall see tomorrow what they taste like or might try tonight

I am now in the living room with my boys. I feel like death. I want to cry. I am so low and tired. Think thats what it is - just constant tiredness and pain. I havent escaped it all weekend all week. Now I have work in the morning and Julia is off all week too so we need to cover for her and its going to be exhausting to say the least. I just want to find a hole to die in if I am honest

tonight I am taking medicated sleeping tablets as I just want rest I want sleep and proper deep sleep at that. I need to recharge

so yeah its work tomorrow

its also insec day so im off timetable, Jack has given me a shed load of jobs and I get to wear non-uniform. The only good thing is that I have an easy dinner to cook~

OUR HOUSE 1ST ANNIVERSARY!

 Evening

I made it into bed at 8:45pm and woke up at 11pm to find Jack beside me. I had chronic aches so I got up with him, had a biscuit and pain killers. I woke up at 6:45am with such a dry mouth I could barely shut my mouth so I had no choice but to get up T^T

Before going over to see mum at 11am I had

cleaned Oz out

Cleaned the bathroom top to bottom

done some admin work

done the shopping list

30mins of painting

put some of the stuff away mum had brought over of mine

I was knackered!

I went over to mums for a cup of tea and a sow sit which was nice. We talked about various things and I saw dad for 2mins then went home for my lunch at 12:45pm

I had lunch then went to bed til 3:45pm as I just needed to rest my body

When I woke up I had fruit loaf and tea with jack then I continued with putting my stuff away. I got it all done and then did dinner

after dinner I went on just dance for 35mins with weights attached to my arms and legs

my god my arms were burning! I was still managing to get my usual scores. I was doing really well and sweating buckets I enjoyed it but Jack told me to maybe call it quits and brought me the inhaler ^^; thats how much I got into it XD

I had a bath and now I am just with my two boys in my living room

I said thank you to mum for housing us a year ago. I cant believe we have had the house a year! so much has changed in it. It certainly feels like home now. I am happy here. I wasnt happy when I first moved in here but I am now. We have made it a home and I hope we are happy here many more years to come~

tomorrow

got food shop, soup to cook and meat to cook as well

I have got to do some revision whether I like it or not! i might plant some grass seeds maybe. Who knows I might have time to do some of my painting

I am gonna have some hot chocolate now whilst watching anime, then paint my nails and go bed. Jack says he will watch anime with me but he might go game late by himself which is fine. I just literally cant stay up my eyes get too heavy

I hope I sleep today, I have had A LOT of pain killers today I hope it makes me sleep....