I'm signed off sick again

 Evening

A lot happened.

I hit a wall

I cried out my life to Jack and mum

we have decided I need to accept I have disability that impacts my life. I need to put myself and my health first. I need to look after myself

I need to go part time

I will no longer be working full time

I can't bare to give this up but I also can't keep wrecking myself

I have spoke to the doctor and hes wrote me a sick note

Jack spent hours applying for a government job at the weekend which pays much better than his current job. He had to take online exams and everything! we hope he will at least get an interview after all that damn effort!

I saw my family whilst he was finishing his tests as its my brother's birthday so he opened his stuff and he really liked them. I went to the opticians for the first time in 5 years - convinced Id be walking out with glasses but I was my eyesight is totally fine. So it is sheer tiredness, thats why sometimes I cant read stuff. figures.

But yeah Jack is applying to jobs, I am signed off sick this week so I can recover. I want to be able to walk again normally. I need to recover my broken mind.

Mia came to see the house for the first time today ^^ she really liked it and said we have the best bathroom out of everyone she knows XD she stayed a couple of hours. I was shattered afterwards but it was good to see her finally. Mum had lunch with me, I went bed an hour and then looked at furniture online and also windows and doors.

I then got the dinner ready as I could do it all myself it was only salad.

Jack came home and was grateful of the food

we had a bath and yeah probably just watch anime and go bed

tomorrow 

id like to do some art as I was too tired today, I did a little bit yesterday but not much.

I am thinking of maybe repotting Mr.coconut plant but I shall see. I need to give him longer in that pot really. But his leaves are going brown and im trying not to panic. I have fed it tonight tho for the first time so maybe it might pick up. It wouldnt do it many favours to repot it again after only 2 weeks.

here is the plant Julia gave me, I repotted it and brought it a fancy pot

I will see mum for lunch again no doubt. Mum and Jack feel better if I have been checked up on during the day >.>

think we've hit breaking point

 I can't do life right now

I was off today as I cried for 90mins yesterday

I will be off tomorrow and ringing doctors to be signed off sick

I will be asking work to go part time

I will be changing my career and finding a part-time job in something else

Jack will be changing his career and getting a better paid non-school job

mum came over today and lectured me out of love which made me cry

Jack has broken into tears at work several times and has been tearing up round me

we have all reached our breaking point

I am done

but I dont want to give up on life 

earring troubles

 Evening

I didnt sleep well again

and woke up at 6am and stayed awake, when it was close to the alarm going off I turned it off and woke my jack up. 2 days on the go hes been woken up nicely instead of an alarm ^^ nothing like a gentle cuddle to wake you rather than noise. I get off to sleep as I am shattered but I dont stay asleep

I was exhausted at work, like even the lift was making me dizzy. I was able to get my day done

I have a practical tomorrow tho ><

I was researching wolves yesterday and today dinosaurs. All for a display. But I have been educating myself I guess! XD

Mum saw us after work she had kindly baked us some cakes ^^ so that was nice to come home to

we brought Oz in after we had kicked him outside and he was not impressed. Sat on his fort washing his ears being all cute trying to come in >.> curse him

I did dinner which was really tasty and Jack liked it

Got stew to put on tomorrow morning 

I went on just dance as I felt I needed something more than just yoga but I only managed 3 dances and even then THAT was an ask. I even had to take the weight off T^T its so sad. Whats up with me?

I had a bath then I had a quick look for earrings online as since I have changed mine its hurt. Like a week ago, I think its too heavy and big and cus its the side I sleep on I think its pulling on my lobe and therefor the hole piercing. So I have changed it tonight but also brought some new ones. The one I took out was checkerboard as I am really IN TO that pattern right now, I have changed it for a flower with cherries in. I still want to find a special earring for the piercing I did on the day Karen died. I had a look when I went ring shopping with mum but I couldnt see anything I liked. I will keep an eye out

going to watch anime and have a cake, i will be fat if I cant exercise properly

tomorrow

stew morning and school nothing special

already done in and had enough, its only tuesday

"are you ok?"

 Evening

I did not sleep well

I am so tired

waking for a wee at 

10:30pm

1:02am

1:24am

seriously!? what the hell! literally taking the pee

It was still so windy on the way to school. The car was moving in the wind! the lights in the house earlier kept flickering

school was ok

it wasnt particularly hard just long

I was so done

The window guy rang and was trying to come over but obviously we are at work now, however I arranged for him to come at 4pm and for mum to let him in. On the way we hit roadworks so it took us longer to get home I was a cripple getting out the car. I was stressed as I felt I had 2 people waiting on us.

The guy was nice and put all the measurements down and what we want, hes gone to go price it up and will give us a quote. 

we did dinner which luckily was pretty easy as I had cooked the chicken yesterday

I did 30mins of yoga which Oz joined in on, and I fussed him LOADS, he was in the mood for a good fussing, think he had missed us today.

I had a bath and now I want my bed but I will watch anime

tomorrow another dull school day

today I was asked several times by different people "are you ok?"

yup peeps I am currently this pale and dead looking as this is my life

I just reply "yeah im fine"

as what do you say? "no Im not ok, how long have  you got? my life is a wreck. Just 35 more years and I can end it" but no you say the generic "im fine" cus people dont car, people dont wanna know, people havent got time. So what is even the point to "are you ok?"

i am pale, my lips have no colour heck even my NAILS have gone a pale colour. My feet and hands are often pale/blue/purple. I look like death 24/7

still, we go on

I had a go with my new crayons

 Evening

I slept pretty well last night, given the wind and rain

also when Jack told me this morning - he had actually left me in the night! I did not know this! He was playing pokemon in bed, it hadnt gone well and he felt wound up so he went upstairs to game on his PC and kill things XD I had no idea any of this went off. Good job as I would have killed him if he had woke me. We both got up at 8am anyway cus we needed to do food shop. It was just so horrible out there tho T^T

Food shop was ok, I was going dizzy a lot. Like my heart was working over time just to keep me upright. My lips were lilac and white when I got up. Jack said I looked pale round the shop. he told me to stop bending down for things. Which is what mum told me to do at TK on friday cus I was like this on friday. My blood doesnt seem to be very good right now. Maybe I am anaemic? Im so pale and dizzy and exhausted so I am wondering if to get a blood test done.

we got home and unpacked well Jack unpacked anyway.

then for an hour after I had sat down, I was cooking. I got a lot done ^^ made biscuits and half made 3 dinners! anything to make life easier for myself for when i go back to school!

I had lunch with Jack then I did some colouring in with my new pencil crayons ^^ it was nice to do as I havent done that in such a long time and theyre really good. It made me realise just how time consuming it is compared to digital art! I kept taking breaks as I was tired and achy

I had a break with Oz and Jack tho. I had a brew and fruit loaf. Then somehow managed 50mins of yoga. I really wanted to stretch myself out. Oz kept checking in on me. Jack said I looked pale and waxy. I have no idea what he sees in me. My health sucks and I look like death 99% of the time

Im just doing dinner now I hope it will be good ^^

Then I suppose I will have a bath and go to bed

I have my outfit sorted for tomorrow as unfortunately it is school tomorrow. After 9 days away from the place, I get a taste for freedom to say the least. I have no idea how the hell I am going to manage as I am tired, pale, and struggle to walk.

but hey gotta work til im 65 so I best get used to it! only 35 more years to go~ 

its still windy and rainy out and has been allll day, to be honest the whole of this holiday has been crap weather. Oz is happy to be in anyway

7+hours of house bun

 Pyon~

I slept pretty well last night as I was just dead after I had done everything. I had been to my parents and come home to repot my cactus and plants which look amazing ^^

This morning I got up at 7am and Jack got up at 8:30am. I left him in bed to sleep. I brought Oz in and had an amazing breakfast with him. I had banana cake and a biscuit X3 sugar!!!! I went and cleaned Oz out and then Jack was up. I then cleaned the bathroom, did my shopping list too, then 40mins of yoga, got ready to go over to mummy's

she gave me some home made fruit loaf which was nice and gave me some to take home. I trimmed truffs fur and she was grateful bless her. dead good she was and she looked better.

I left at 12:30 and had lunch of hot chocolate and fruit load then I went to bed for a couple of hours as I had enough I was exhausted. I didnt want to get up to be honest but I did. I had a cup of tea with Oz and Jack and then did some more work in my sketchbook.

the weather had cleared up and I fancied a walk as its been weeks since I have walked with Jack as I have been struggling to walk. but it looked nice, I wanted to get out for a walk with my Jack so we literally walked from one street to another. We were gone like 10mins if that, it was cold but nice to do. We had left Oz in the living room whilst we were gone as it wasnt worth putting him home for that.

we did dinner which was nice, I took Oz home - he had been in for 7 hours, plus extra from this morning hes practically a house bun >.> he helped himself to a bouquet of flowers I have on the hearth from my birthday, demands food, and gives fuss.

then I had a bath, which was soooo hot I came out panting and red. I was trying to kill the aches. But did myself in a bit ^^; 

I did a little bit more colouring in my sketchbook, we are gonna watch anime now then play pokemon in bed ^^

tomorrow I am going food shopping

got biscuits to make, meat to cook, fish to prep, breakfast meat to cook, but no soup to make luckily ^^

I have been anxious about school being on the horizon. And the fact that I still cant walk properly...

big isnt always better

 Evening

I couldnt get off last night despite being half dead from massage

I had to get up and eat something and take lots of drugs. By which time jack finished gaming and came to bed so we went to bed at the same time. I woke up in the night for a huge 2L wee XD and even at 8am I needed a huge wee. Its all from massage, but surprises me how much the human bladder can hold @.@

I was dead this morning I had lilacy white lips, lovely. Theyre usually pale but not THAT pale....

But I couldnt bare to waste a day inside 4 walls so after mum txt me to see how I was this morning I told her I could manage going to TK with her. But then she told me to go get Jack's permission >.> how unfair is that!? its just cus I am prone to pushing myself and Jack knows this. He gave me the terms and conditions, like I had to say before I was dying that I am dying, not to carry bags. So I told mum and she came for me at 9:30am. i put my bank card in her purse so it meant I had nothing to carry. No keys or phone XD 

we had a look around for almost an hour, I managed to buy 2 plants pots and they match ^^ they are for my bathroom as my plants in there are desperate for a repot. I got some hot chocolate too and a candle that smells like chocolate. I am picky with candles and also light them almost everyday. As Oz being in the lounge so much can make it smell of....bun....

we got home and mum helped me bring stuff in

she stayed for a quick cup of tea then left. I recovered and had my lunch. I felt too wired to sleep tho so I sat and drew~ I drew for ages but was taking breaks when i couldnt sit at the desk anymore. Jack likes the drawing so far, I havent drawn in a sketchbook for ages!!! I want to test my pencil crayons out and I feel the first thing I do with them should be for jack ^^ 

My brother came over just before dinner, after I had a bath. He came to drop off his work graphics tablet for me to have a go with as its like A3 size 0.0 its freakin huge! but in doing this he had to download the new wacom software as my tablet is 10+ years old....

doing this deleted my settings for my tablet so I was a bit sad but I wanted to have a go on a big tablet to see if I would want to upgrade to a big tablet one day.

We had dinner when my brother left and Jack went to game. I sat in the lounge with Oz. I was testing out my brother's tablet but I could not get on with it. DOES NOT NEED TO BE THAT BIG!!! size is not everything it would seem. Literally couldnt cope with it being that big. So I went to plug mine back in and nothing worked, i was googling how to set stuff up, couldnt do it. i was getting anxious and frustrated until at 7pm I took Oz home and went to my parents.

No one was expecting me and they were happy to have me. My brother put everything back to normal for me on my laptop as I took everything over with me. i was relieved and felt I would actually be able to sleep tonight.... 

mum cut me some banana cake she made today it was so good! she gave me some to take home and some biscuits she made and they were for Jack as she said "i dont know if you will share that cake" XD she knows me well. I had a pig sit and told truffs I would see her tomorrow for a trim.

I stayed til 8:30pm and came home. jack had realised I had gone. I forgot to say anything to him and didnt take my phone ^^; I was in so much of pickle over my tablet. He was fine and happy to have a biscuit I brought to him

Hes still gaming for a short while more then hes coming down

whilst he was gaming I repotted 4 plants. he wouldnt let me do it earlier as he didnt want me to push myself but I got it done ^^ my new pots are in the bathroom and look so nice!! I am so happy with them :D and other plants have had a shuffle. My coconut has a bigger pot now but I dont think it will last it long as it wasnt that much bigger but it will tide it over for now. couldnt keep it in the pot it came in it was cruel! I fed everything rain water I have been cultivating in an old coffee jar like some crazy person.

I am very tired and achy now tho but I feel I have achieved something

tomorrow

got Oz to clean out and bathroom to clean, then going to mums for an hour mainly to trim truffs fur as my god she a mess~ then probably draw rest of the day or do some actual revision i guess.....