The buns' first 24 hours

 Evening

I slept well last night but I was dead. I had nothing to give last night

I enjoyed painting my nails before bed tho as I wasnt in the mood to watch anime. I needed to be quiet. I wasnt in the mood to watch something and laugh and feel emotion I just needed quiet down time

This morning my first thought was "I hope the buns are ok"

They seemed just fine. I didnt hear any thudding as they are on the other side of the wall to our bed and we can hear thudding if it happens but all was quiet.

I gave them a little salad and Skyler just growled XD not Gordon Ramsey standard clearly! We had Oz in this morning. It felt odd leaving the other two cooped up but its what had to be done

School was exhausting. It hurt to walk. I got everything done tho

Jack brought some kinder bars from the shop as I didnt eat any of the kinder doughnut last night. However I looked at them and instantly thought "im not allowed to eat a chocolate bar to myself" thats just how my mind set goes apparently. So I didnt touch them. jack had one later on.

It came to home time and I didnt want to leave my jack but almost easter holidays

I got home, put on some warm clothing as it had been snowing today. Yes. Snowing. We had snow and hail today - several times. It was sunny when I was home so I got the buns out straight away. Oz was left in his cage. Skyler and Thumper I put in the run with tubes and they loved it!!

I took photos but they were only out 20mins when a snow storm came back with a vengeance so I quickly put them home. I was exhausted by this point so I went in for my lunch which was a hot chocolate nd biscuit. i then went to bed. I left Oz inside to sleep on his plush pad as I had had lunch with him and he was happy and content. 

When I got up it was sunny so I put the buns out again and it started snowing again. Felt like someone was laughing at me up there! I left them out as they were happy and it wasnt much snow and soon passed luckily. They  had probably 2 and a half hours outside today? they both  made a break for it tho when I gave them the chance. i wanted to see how confident they felt, and they cant escape the garden. They legged it out the run. So at least I know tomorrow they can play outside in the full garden. I just didnt want to overwhelm them today.

I did some yoga then got Oz in as I didnt want to be raped again. Did 1 hour of yoga. Oz was outside whilst I did yoga as I wanted him to have some outdoor time too. I dont want him to be 100% indoor bun for the next 10 days!

jack came home and literally had a drink, a shower, did my meds and went out

yup im home alone

its the science social night out.

food out - i cant eat out

bowling - i would be in too much pain the next day to work

so i have had to skip but I wanted jack to go

he wil give me a txt when hes on his way home which hopefully shouldnt be late but we will see.

I had dinner whilst he was showing

I put Oz home at 7pm as he was so tired

I had a very hot bath and it was the first time I felt my toes and feet all day.

I am now here and I might just try a few things on clip studio paint my cousin has given me tips for then I might watch anime by myself with a hot drink I shall see. I will certainly play on my switch in bed tho ^^

tomorrow

I have a meeting with head of science to confirm that I want to be part time, I have asked Jack to be in on the meeting too

we are leaving school at midday to come home and get changed and get food then Jack has his first ever driving test!!!!!! Please god let him pass. I cant bare to have him wait another 6 months to try again and hes been driving for 2 years. That boy can drive! I hope he has confidence in himself to do it

Our 5th bunny anniversary

 Evening

I slept well but really needed a wee in the morning then before we left I had to get rid of my stomach contains, I felt real rough

But what picked me up was Ozwald, its 5 years today we met. I did not hesitate to adopt him. I knew he was the one for me. Just knew straight away. Since then he has made my life worth living, he is my purpose. I love him unconditionally. yes he can challenge me on the odd occasion by simply being an animal but I will always love him. I always show him true affection, I want him to feel safe, loved, warm and happy. I can tell by the way he is, that he has a happy life. I love him so much and he won Jack over so easily and effortlessly too. To say Jack was always a cat person he has been converted to the way of the bun.

Work was ok I guess, I had a couple of small practicals

I bumped into head of science in an empty lab tho....he asked me how I was

"im fine" the autopilot response I give

he said "no really, as I can tell you arent"

so thats when I told him. i didnt hold back.

So he took it to the head and I have been sorted out

I will be working 4 hour shifts from now on! Cant believe how quickly it was sorted

its not 'official' as I havent had any contract changes but I have permission to only work half my hours basically. As I told them otherwise I wont have the strength to walk through the door both physically and mentally.

It is hurting me to walk, not as full on as I let it get last time but yup its there alright. Tonight I have been unable to do any exercise as it hurts to just stand like my legs are in pain holding my weight up so I have allowed my body the rest it needs 

I came home and I put the washing on, changed Oz's toilet area, got changed, grabbed some fruit loaf to have at mums and I grabbed Ozwald and we went over to see mum for a good hour. We also saw the girls which was nice

I came home and hung the washing out and made sure Oz was ok and I went to bed

I didnt do much all afternoon as I just felt exhausted

Jack came home he had brought Doughnotts and they were beautiful. I have only eaten 1/2 of one and already feel MASSIVELY guilty especially as I havent exercised today but trying to not to worry too much. There is 1 doughnut left and I think I might just tell Jack to eat it to be honest as I think otherwise I aint gonna sleep!

Before dinner Jack's family came so we had his mum, step dad and chrissy

his mum told me that chrissy didnt want her bunnies to be left home to be fed by a neighbour as all their neighbours have kids and she didnt want any child trying to pick the bunnies up or hurting them. She was worried about them and obviously she would never entertain a kennel. No way would I let them go in a kennel when I could have them!

They brought everything and the kitchen sink! those buns have been spoilt!

So they are in the garage in their own hutch facing Oz. I have not got them out as I think they need to chill out, Thumper is 11 and I am not stressing him out! Oz seemed fine when i took him home. He had an ear on them but he didnt kick off.

I want to be able to put them out to play before school as thats what I do -  I wake up and get pets out. but they havent been outside here and used to all the noises. I want to be there to help them into it all but I will really not have the time before school so Jack said they would be fine just for a few more hours in their cage and when I come home I will put them out. I hope they settle well. 

When they left we had dinner and then I had a bath

think I might do my nails and go bed really I am done

tomorrow is school

then I want to come home and spend some quality bun time <3 

So its been a nice anniversary, Jack brought us doughnut and I have 2 more buns! I cant wait to get to know them better and make them happy.

Mum cant see me tomorrow shes off to collect her new car, Jack will come home, shower then go out. Theres a science night out. Its a meal and bowling. I cant eat out and if I bowl I will not be at school tomorrow due to pain and exhaustion. So people can have a technician on friday I will have to skip the night out. Jack is getting a lift from other science teachers. Just mean i will be on my own ALL day really. But at least I will have the buns :3

Bunny rape and 2 more bunnies tomorrow

 Evening

I got up for 2 wees in the night >.> like what the hell. I was cold in the night ><

I got ready for school and once again when I got to school I was so anxious but not AS bad as yesterday luckily. My morning went to damn slow I have to say.

I think because I did so much talking yesterday, the time went quicker

I got my stuff done tho

It never feels right leaving my Jack behind tho T^T

I got home and had lunch with mummy but I couldnt finish my soup I just wasnt enjoying it

After mummy left I went to bed for a bit I was tired and cold

When I got up I worked on the painting for a little while I am just taking my sweet ass time with it which is nice.

Oz looked lonely outside so I thought I would bring him in early. I gave him lots of fuss and then I thought Id do my yoga early. I was in a position and he just latched on. With claws and teeth. Honestly you should have seen my arm afterwards as I couldnt pull him off me as I didnt want to hurt him but he also wasnt letting up ^^; I had teeth marks and scratches down my arm. Literally raped by a rabbit.

Jack timed the buses coming home badly so he didnt get home 5:30pm 

but dinner was made in 10mins so that was good at least! and it was so damn good

I then kinda prepped for the stew in the morning but the sausages are frozen so not a lot I can do til morning. 

I went for a bath which was nice, then caught up with a few things on my phone

I thought I would have time for drawing tonight but not sure if I will or not before we watch anime. I am loving cells at work. We have just started watching The rising of the shield hero. We're only on episode 2 but its actually caught my attention.

tomorrow

wow tomorrow

I obviously have school and all that crap

but it is also mine and Oz's 5th anniversary!!!! My loaf! Maybe thats why he was over excited with me today....Also in the evening Jack's sister's bunnies are coming! So thats a nice way for Oz to celebrate his anniversary. I can not wait!!

I returned to work today

 Evening

I slept well last night, Jack said he even got up for 3 wees and it didnt disturb me!

I can't tell you how sick I felt so so sick this morning. My anxiety at school was so bad that I was going dizzy and had to keep sitting down as my legs felt weak

People didnt dive on me and let me come to them kinda thing

I went to see Lizi and gave her her present which she totally loved and she was so grateful and happy so that was totally worth doing ^^

I got lessons prepped, did my return to work form with Jack and took breaks

Once my 4 hours (which I was counting) was up I left

I felt exhausted

I came home and mummy was here having spent 2 hours dusting and cleaning ^^ shes amazing I very much appreciate her banishing covid from my house!

we had lunch then she left

I then did some painting which was nice but I just felt so drained so I went to bed for an hour

I did some more painting then I booked my dad's 60th birthday present online for mum but I did it whilst on the phone to mum

I sat in the garden with Oz for 20mins as it was sunny then Jack appeared.

we caught up, had dinner, had baths then I did an hour of yoga and he gamed now we gonna watch anime

tomorrow school again - half day again

but on the whole didnt go bad as I thought. But it confirmed to me that

1. I do not want that job anymore

2. I get £1100 per month Lizi gets £900 for the sake of £200, they can have the job. I want to be part time and have a LIFE

I actually return to school tomorrow

 Evening

Do you ever have the same dream more than once or twice? I do. I even know whats going to happen. Like watching the same film twice. I had to watch a child drown last night. I have no idea why I have such dreams but yeah I knew she was going to do, helpless to do anything but spectate. 

I slept well but was unaware of the clocks going forward

but its fine it just means we had a bit of a rush to get out for shopping

I was  like a corpse going round the shop I must have looked like I had the hangover from hell

We got the job done

I came back and cooked my breakfast meat, prepped fish for tonight

then somehow summoned the energy to clean the bathroom and gave it a real thorough cleaning as we've both had upset stomach

I was dead, I only had hot chocolate for my lunch as food was burning my stomach

But all afternoon I was so empty and hungry I ate a hot cross bun but it hurt

Jack washed the car, mowed the lawn, hoovered up. Most hes done in 2 weeks!
I sat in the car with him whilst he drove on our road to have ago doing manovers in the car which he actually did better than i can do T^T 

we did dinner and I was so hungry I felt sick, I got less than half way and my stomach churned. So not fair. I ate my fish but left the sweet potato. 

We finished watching twin star exorcists turns out that was a pointless anime to watch!

I need to see what we're watching at dinner time next

really really enjoy cells at work. its fantastic and learned so much about the human body.

I dont feel as if I have done much with my day or weekend really but probably best I havent worked myself to death. My mum phoned to see how I was. I am ok so far about going back to school tomorrow I just dont want to go! But knowing that I only have 4 hours to get through  makes it bearable going back

I watched Oz play with the pigeons which was cute. He had fun inside with me too. Lots as fuss as always. Such a happy bun. I live to make his life happy

I had a bit of a pamper in the bath so I can try a look semi-decent for tomorrow

I just dont want to return >< mum says she will be here waiting for me to come home ^^

few confessions

 Evening

For the love of god I keep forgetting to write this!!! jesus >.>

Just got to bed without thinking about doing my diary!

Well I have been 'back' at work but working from home

I had 300+ emails waiting for me....yup that was my morning gone!

Over the 2 days I got through my emails, I got my pictures finished, I went through the biologists's lab sheets to see what they want this coming week. I was really quite exhausted!

heres my pictures, one is o a caveman (our ancestors) trying to train a wolf (kinda like how domestic dogs started) thats kinda where I was going with this, and also a now days horse showing off its evolved hoof the 'first' horse

Jack was still suffering with stomach upset and coughing fits

I had an afternoon of crying

It was work triggered. Just reading everything brought everything back. I dont want to go back. i am only just starting to feel like myself again. I cant volunteer again to work myself in to the ground and make my self so sick that life doesnt feel like worth living. This process keeps happening and I have reached breaking point. i cant do it again. This time I did come close to just overdosing and ending it all I couldnt see a way to live my life happily.

I expressed this to mum through tears as she came to see me, I cried to Jack too

I said that I need to accept this, I will not be able to the summer term after easter as a full time technician, I will need to be part time. my plan was to last out til I could get the job as art technician (hopefully) and work those part time hours starting september. I would only need to hold out 1 more term being full time.

But I cant

So i began to stress about that and the meetings that will follow

I have also made an active effort since thursday to take the correct dosage of my pain relief which is 8 tablets a day apposed to sometimes 16 tablets a day

i had let it get that bad

I was overdosing at work to get me through the day 

then I was signed off sick and in such a state that I was overdosing for my stress induced pain and back i had pulled out (is still recovering 4 weeks on!) then I was just taking them cus I wanted to. Not cus I needed them. I wasnt seeing any 'repercussions' of taking extra so I just kept doing it as it helped me feel less about life. But i cant do this

I can not keep poisoning my body like this

so I have been taking the 8 tablets I am supposed to

heck if I can I might try and drop further!

Its hard admitting things that need to change. Change is hard 

today tho

I have had massive upset stomach....you know when you HAVE to go as you cant keep it in and what comes out is like rusty water....yeah I was shivering and sweating on and off the toilet. It was a horrendous day I was just massively grateful we had nothing on today. Sweet jesus

I dont think its anything to worry about, something has just gone wrong inside. I am sure I will be fine tomorrow 

jack was given and interview date so thats good news! think its 11th of april. Be so good if he gets a new job.

His mum rang today they are off on holiday during easter break. Jacks brother was going to come home and work from home there so he could pet sit. However he is unable to do that due to needing some heavy dentistry that very week, typically! So Jack's nan is having Enzo the cat

and we are having his sister's 2 bunnies! Skyla and Thumper!!!

I am mega excited!

I was dreading her asking us to travel over for 10 days straight during our holiday to go let rabbits out as that would tie us down and take 2+ hours out our day. So theyre dropping everything off on wednesday! Oz has never seen another rabbit before. So it will be interesting.

tomorrow is 

food shop

food cooking + food prep

clean the bathroom (that poor toilet...)

take Jack out in the car to practice as his driving test is on friday 

a very faint line and work tomorrow

 Evening

I slept pretty well again, certainly helps by not sleeping during the day but my god I would. Just lately I havent been able to sleep during the day for whatever reason.

I got my stew on when I got up at 7:30am

This morning I did a whole hour of yoga, I had had enough after all that!

I worked on my easter picture then at 11:30am mum picked me up and took us Pudding pantry, I treated her and brought Jack a cake from there. I said I wanted to treat her as its mothers day soon :)

Mum dropped me off and I had lunch with Jack

then did some drawing and got my easter picture finished ^^ finally. So I will upload that on easter whenever that is!

We had dinner then I had a bath then I might start my next piece of art

I have work tomorrow

This morning when I woke up I actually felt poorly, I wondered if I had covid so we both did a test Jack had a very very faint line like it was barely there. I am still negative....how? so I could rule out that I didnt have covid. What it was, was anxiety. Anxiety about tomorrow and the fact that Jack is unable to go to school. I dont think he will return now til monday.

So he emailed head of science (we havent heard back from) that Id like to work from home these next 2 days and that next week I might have to do half days. I felt better once he sent that email but I have been worried about the response but we havent had one so Jack said to work from home tomorrow and I will just do some digital work display stuff probably.

I dont want to return. I feel like I am just getting myself back again like I have personality again instead of just being a husk. But I am off sick not off on holiday and need to get back to it I guess. 

soon be easter holidays. Just 7 working days then holidays.