A day to myself

 Evening

I didn't sleep great, Jack says I keep falling out with my weighted blanket in my sleep. So I think I will have a break from it for a few days. I woke up at 6:30am when the alarm went off and got up with Jack. 

I had a normal morning with him until Chris came at 7:45am to collect Jack to take him comic con

I cooked my breakfast meat, put Jack's gammon on, cleaned Oz out, then was at TK MAXX at 9am. I did so well! I decided to go out by myself because it does me good to go out BY MYSELF. I am usually with someone and I dont wanna lose confidence in going out alone. I couldnt really be bothered but mum told me they had stocked up their skin care section. All I got from there was literally skin care! I did look at clothes but I didnt need anything and the stuff I did like i didnt wanna pay out for. 

I then arrived at mum's, I sat with her and my brother for a while and then I trimmed a very abusive truffle. She was not having it today. But I got it done....ungrateful sow

I then came home and bought Oz in from the garage, had lunch and decided to rest up in my bed for an hour. Once I was up I sat outside with my loaf. Got a bit of sun. cus it was 17c today!

Then I came in and started making a banana cake which turned out alright actually, did the washing up cus I didnt want Jack to come in to mess >< Then Jack came home! he was home for 3pm which surprised me actually

he'd had a nice time, hadnt eaten anything since breakfast bless him so he had some instant noodles and then told me about his day. All he bought was a new switch joycon cover thing as his joystick is drifting so he needs to take it apart and sort it. He bought 3 cute digimon keychains. That was it. He said there was still a lot to look round but was not the same as going with me. He didnt enjoy it as much and said he would want to go with me next time. He couldnt believe the price of some stuff tho

I then cleaned the bathroom,  made the dinner, did 30mins of yoga, then had a good soak in the bath. 

its been a chore heavy day but felt like getting them done out the way then hopefully have some time for myself or some time with my jack

I cant believe how much i miss him tho when hes not around, at the convention or at work. I think about him and miss him. He says the same thing about me XD think he said 4 times how he wants to go convention with me. that its better with me.

gonna do my nails tonight. Thinking of doing leopard print.

so yeah not sure yet what I am gonna do tomorrow yet. I have my soup to make but thats the only chore really.

here is a card I drew I think it was last weekend. its for Lizi for her birthday next month. she will be 32 and shes doing her teacher training

Jack going comic-con without me

 Evening

I had a bad nights sleep, throwing covers everywhere. Think about threw jack out the bed at one point

Working from home was dull, literally ended up doing my shift in the afternoon rather than the morning as my stomach was off in the morning, I was shattered and went to bed. But got all my work done in the afternoon. mum popped to see me

we did our food shop at 6:30pm as I need food, and Jack is out all day tomorrow ><

hes going with Chris to comic-con in birmingham, hes being picked up at 8am. I will miss him and it feels weird hes going without me. I am 100% fine with it and happy for him, he says he will be bring me back something too ^^

I have a whole day of chores ahead T^T

more engagement flowers

 Evening

Yesterday evening i did infact sleep! I had taken sleeping tablets I found in the cupboard and they worked. Proper knocked me out, proper deep sleep. Could have certainly slept for longer!

i ran out of time to do my diary yesterday. I decided to bring out half the stuff under the stairs and fill my craft room with stuff to put stuff away into my new boxes. Yeah I have no idea why I started that so late at night. Id had an alright day at work and stuff just busy

Then today, didnt sleep great last night to be honest.

school felt hard, so Jack arranged for me to do some work at home tomorrow, half it is more sodding training TT^TT but its technician training. At least it will be easier on my body and mind

I got home and had lunch with mum, then I did a bit of a work out which was doing weights for 25mins straight. I had an early bath and then had a brew with loaf. Then I sat doing more boxes. Quite exhausted and missed my afternoon sleep too ><

we're gonna watch anime and play switchs in bed soon, im shattered i have to say

tomorrow

work from home, see mummy and thats it really

oh today mum gave me flowers and a card from her friend shes known me since a baby, to congratulate us on the engagement they match the colours of my ring!

we're just so both tired

 Evening

I couldnt sleep last night, jack got up with me. We went back to bed at 10:30pm but I couldnt sleep. I also didnt have the heart to wake him again. I was up til 1am playing disgaea, anything to distract me from thinking about myself, my pain, the meeting i had had

I woke up at 5:50am and cuddled Jack a little bit but didnt dare fully relax as I was frightened of falling asleep on him and not getting up for school. So I did get up but god the temptation to just cuddle with him in bed for ages was so strong

so this morning I was shattered. I still went to school tho cus I thought I would improve

I noticed Jack was tired,  he wasnt his usual self and was runned off his feet bless him

i kept going but I had no brain power, I was shattered, i hurt everywhere and I had zero energy. I must have looked  like a pale zombie today

It got to 10am and I thought "am I safe to drive home" so I bought this up with Jack and he said "if you went home now could you drive" I said "im not sure" he said "right thats it youre not driving"

so the choice was he ether take me home and go school, so that takes an hour out of his busy day or I ring mummy. I rang mummy. She very kindly picked me up after my shift

I can not tell you how grateful I was 

I got home, got Oz in, put the chicken in the slow cooker, had lunch, bed

woke up 2 hours later and even then I found it very difficult to wake up

I got up and sat round with Ozwald

I then finished a couple of christmas and birthday cards

Jack came home, he was helping with the dinner, I made some banana biscuits, we were in the kitchen a while cus we had to prepare tomorrow's curry. 

we had dinner, Jack had a whisky with his

we were just so exhausted. I said to him that maybe we should have an early night, cuddle up with switchs and just sleep. I found medication sleeping tablets - very rare - in my cupboard. Jack says he will have another whisky and hopefully we will both sleep and feel loads better

we worshiped the loaf after dinner. He loves Jack so much. Jack once again was groomed

Jack took Oz to bed whilst I had a nice hot soak.

doing my diary then yeah, early night.

tomorrow is school

and i am so hoping I can go. Jack has arranged work for me to do at home if needed but I really dont wanna work from home. But just gonna have to see how I am >.>

please let us sleep tonight!

Had my meeting with two line managers and HR...

 Evening

I didnt sleep well last night, not surprised. Couldnt stop thinking about my meeting. I felt tired when I got up this morning and had to travel to school with hot bag on my stomach as I had sicky anxiety tummy -____- not the greatest monday morning I have to say. But this morning was my first morning of no social media. I sat doodling whilst eating breakfast and fussed Oz. I dont get to fuss him much in the morning as he spends those 50mins on the toilet or eating. so yeah I just doodled this morning.

So this morning we walked into the prep room to be pounced upon by teachers. So unfair and stresses me out so much. I was running round like a headless chicken trying to get practicals out.

we then had to go for our meeting at 10. I was assigned 30mins for said meeting. I was in there over an hour....I was SOOOO nervous. But the HR lady did put me at ease. he was trying to get out of me any changes to me health so in the end I said "Should I just reel it off?" and just went for it really. We laid out any changes we needed to make and what would help me and yeah. It was all very positive and it wasnt about trying to get me sacked. I felt relieved when I walked out the room. and very drained off life. I had a quick sit down, did a couple of jobs and went home.

I got home and filled mum and had lunch with her. Oz demanded apple from me (he robbed banana from me this morning) and then he went up to mum wanting her satsuma so he got that as well!! its very pressuring when hes in your face like a dog. beast. 

I had a sleep and when I woke up I had a hot chocolate, did 50mins of yoga whilst being sexually harassed by a rabbit. Id even cut him leaves to bribe him to not bother me. But he ate that and still had his way with my arm then hopped off >.> typical man takes what he wants of a woman then leaves XD 

I cooked bacon to go on jack's lunch so he has tomorrow on his wraps - pulled pork, sausage, bacon. Meat feast! I spoil him ^^

I then did dinner so it would be ready for when Jack got in which wasnt til like 6:20. cus of warhammer club. he appreciated the dinner and that I had done his lunch too. 

Oz had been waiting by Jack's seat for him to come home. Ate his evening carrot by Jack's seat and then showered Jack in licks and fuss. Wanted Jack today clearly as I havent had that kinda attention! bless him its very sweet to see tho. I made Jack take oz to bed

I had a boiling hot bath to burn those aches, now just doing diary. Its now 8:50pm and we still havent watched anime. Dont know if we might skip that tonight and just play on switchs in bed. Jack is just late doing everything tonight.

so today wasnt as bad as I thought it was gonna be. I will see what coming changes there will be at school. I feel after today I have a stronger permission to work from home if needed tho which is nice cus i feel guilty about doing that.

tomorrow is school

practical heavy day....

Bonfire night, bun sitting, meeting tomorrow

 Evening

I havent been doing my diary due to my laptop playing on the downstairs TV to drown out the sounds of fireworks from bonfire night, I did not want Jack reading my diary. He would die at my poor grammar.... But we've been Bun Sitting past two nights. To be honest I thought it was gonna REALLY bad fireworks wise this year as bonfire night - the 5th - actually fell on a saturday night not on a weekday

but it wasnt that bad. I have known it worse. Maybe its because people dont have the money for fireworks? thats all I can think of as the weather was good for it. Loaf was good anyway. He was going to bed later and loving all the extra fuss and treats. My face had been washed so much XD 

So this weekend has been ok. The whole of yesterday went to chores and cooking but it meant today was a lot more freeier for me. We did our foodshop I came out the shop and had a full on meltdown, tears the lot, all in the car. I waited in the car whilst Jack did the second shop. We got home and I hated myself. Apologised a lot for my stupid pointless childish outburst I still have at the age of 30. Jack never tells me off or tells me to get a grip. He is so understanding as says I cant help how i feel. In all honesty I have no clue where it all came from. I didnt feel right the whole day, like I hadnt had my antidepressant 

I didnt sleep well ether as I was in pain and thinking about my 'informal' meeting tomorrow. I know realistically it is nothing to worry about. But I cant seem to move past it and just keep focusing on it. I want it done and dusted. I hope i sleep tonight and not just worrying about it. Jack did a run through the meeting today with me and will be right next to me tomorrow during the actual meeting.

we did a nice 45 min autumn walk along side the woods this morning. Good job we did that when we did as it rained heavily in the afternoon, so I put my plants out for a water. I never did find any more plants to replace my dead ones but theres no rush

I sat and made a card for Lizi's birthday in december so it was nice to do some art today, I painted my nails yesterday too. I havent managed any digital work tho. Not been in the mood. I do enjoy drawing with a pen tho I have to say. Im tempted to sit doodling in the morning before school whilst eating breakfast as usually I scroll through art on instagram but I have to say for some time now, I have not been enjoying instagram its just so shite. really is. I dont post on any social media anymore. dont see the point in all honesty. But seeing what other put up is just crap. it really is. the whole 'reels' and 'tiktok' yeah, im out. I only go on intragram to look at bunnies and art but its getting old. I feel like doing something better with that 10/15mins in the morning whilst having breakfast

so I might do that. Whip out an old note pad and black biro and just doodle whilst eating. I'll sort that tonight. Im gonna challenge myself. Just decided. a whole week of no instagram (id say social media but i literally only have instagram) see if I prefer it

Jack is gaming tonight with Theo but has set an alarm to come off at 9pm as I told him I need him tonight in case I am worrying stupidly over school tomorrow

so I am gonna go sort that notebook out and play on my switch in bed. Not got long to finish disgaea4 before new pokemon comes out!!

2 plants died this week :'(

 Evening

I was having bad dreams last night, mainly about Adam chasing me and jack said I was thrashing in my sleep. The bed was tip this morning. I woke up 10mins before my alarm. Cus I have been sleeping with weighted blanket, my arms hurt from moving it around in my sleep!

I ate breakfast and died on toilet once again. But wasnt late leaving because i had got up those 10mins earlier! it actually helped this morning!

School was ok, still people congratulating us as they find out about our engagement. I got a lot done but god I was struggling to walk. I came to the conclusion that I would maybe benefit from working from home tomorrow. Id like to be able to walk at the weekend >< So Jack went through what work I can do and I have a shed load of online training to do that is overdue by 2 months.....heh woops. So that will be a lot of my morning tomorrow :/ 

I had lunch with mum and Oz. Went to bed for an hour, got up and had a brew with my demanding loaf of  rabbit >.> hungry and horny.....

I decided to do some jpop dancing for 15mins and got sweaty. I had an early bath and made sure to keep it warm for Jack coming home. I did his lunch for tomorrow, gave him pizza and cider for dinner and he ate that in pyjamas whilst watching anime. I look after him ^^ my dinner was alright. 

so I will probably have time to do something for myself tonight.

I am quite sad as 2 of my house plants have died this week. My bathroom leafy one that Julia gave to me died due to lack of water. Basically tap water browns the leaves due to chemicals in the water system but cacti dont seem to mind. So I usually gather rain water for it (hassle but I do it) or I stick it out in the rain. However we literally had over 2 weeks without rain and I also kept forgetting to buy mineral water from the shop for it. I could see it was withering so I fed it tap water. It went brown and shrivelled up....Next, my 2 remaining spiky cacti in the bathroom have had these little black flies on them for 10 days now. They seem to like my bathroom. So I suggested putting the cacti in the porch and hopefully we will lose some flies out the door as theyre so small the get swept up in the wind. I can pick them off the cacti due to them being very spiky. But my porch is cold. 1 cacti in just 3 days has shrivelled up and died. I am gutted and so sad. I feel a plant murderer. 

Jack says I can have more plants if I want :) But I liked  my plants. Some of mine need repotting too. I have since moved the remaining bathroom cacti back to his warm home of the bathroom. We have lost a good number of  black flies tho. I think cus I put my plants out for rain water time to time (only for a few hours never over night) I think something laid eggs in my cacti and theyve hatched as these black flies :/

tomorrow

I will be working from home then seeing mummy for lunch.