My beloved Granny

Evening

Today it is the day I lost my last grandparent
Granny left this world today
I'm so glad shes finally able to be pain free and rest and be re-united with papa
i know they will be together right now thats the kinda people they were
married for 50+ years and loved each other dearly
they even held hands when they went to bed at night which i thought was sweet!
Yeah it happened today...mum and dad went to visit her at about 4ish 
mum said granny's breathing was very noisy and she just didnt look good sleeping
in the end my mum even had to step outside for some air, it was all getting to her
so they said their goodbyes and went home. as soon as they got home
mum decided to text granny's friend - just let her know how granny was today
at that moment mum's phone rang. it was the nurse they were with 30mins ago
she rang to say granny had passed on in her sleep

all i heard was mum sobbing coming up the stairs, i had no idea what
had happened, so i went straight away to mum who collapsed on her bed
she told me granny had gone.
in that moment i did shed tears but it wasnt for granny it was for mum
well i usually cry at the sight of her crying ><" but i felt sad for mum
she was now parent-less like dad 
she kept saying "i cant believe shes gone. are they sure they have the right person? 
she looked so peaceful and i was only there less than an hour ago. she didnt
look like she was dying to me"
so i cuddled mum and told her
"it was granny's time mum, i bet she waited for you, she held on til you came to visit her
this afternoon. then she waited for you to leave. granny didnt want you to see her pass away. thats very much how granny is right? she was granny to the end, selfish-less granny"
mum told me that when they arrived at granny despite granny being asleep
a tear fell from her face and her nose ran, some mum wiped her up
i said "i bet she was crying in her sleep, maybe of relief that you had finally come or maybe she was sad to leave you" we will never know as granny hasnt been conscience for us for a few days
mum was upset and sat and comforted her, since then shes just been randomly crying but shes allowed. i havent cried since when i saw mum crying first. ive been ok surprisingly 
 maybe because ive cried so much over these last few weeks
or maybe i may cry later on

it probably sounds cruel to say that im glad shes gone today
but i mean it with good intentions, she wasnt happy towards the end
it was no life for her.and she was becoming in pain and uncomfortable 
so now i know she can rest, no more cancer, no more meds, no more pain
i will always love her, granny and papa were an awsum team i will never forget them
it feels a bit surreal right now that im never gonna see em again
theres just 8 members of the family now...8

dad made a few calls to friends, distant family and my uncle
filled them in, mum had to go out the room whilst he did it
as he does it in such a cheery manner it makes us feel sick
i know he's soulless but come on 
dad did something very strange earlier - well 2 strange things
1. he came into my room
2. he asked if i was alright
0.0 what odd behavior! but then he went on and told me he'd rang around

this morning anyway i woke up 9:15am >.>
i have been sat drawing ideas for a hoodie. still havent decided on a design
its annoying me now!
i sat and did some of dom's thing. ive done 4 doctors out of 12 :D
i went to get my passport photo done with mum and dad
those photobooths are awful, i mean what do they do to your face!?
i look like a freakin convict!!! and i have a fat face
so now i have my original passport were im 5/6 years old looking like a gorm
my driving license  were im 17 and i look like the grim reaper
and my new passport to be were im 23 looking like convict =.=
i give up
but seeing how fat my face was sent  my head into over drive
mums face looked fat too, gave us like a hamster face  :/
anyway

i went for a lil walk for some fresh air
then got the news and ive just been in my room sorting hoodies and stuff
i took a photo of my hot air balloon shirt too :)

anyway thats all for now
i wonder if any of us will be able to sleep tonight
ive told mum im gonna support her through all the crap thats got to come
i will always love my granny
my final words to her were "i love you granny"

i got a lot done and it feels good!

Otsukare~

I have been busy today ^^
I slept pretty well last night to say i cant breath XD

This morning I cleaned the pets out, then bathed lily and pinky
as the smelled like farm yard animals XD 
so they have been in all day drying
So when they were settled I went upstairs and started crafting ^^

I made a start on dom's present

doesnt look like much to anyone i know, but to me its a plan - a layout
and i sorted it all out what colours i would be using ect
so i have all pieces of paper scattered round my room X3

Then mum reminded me that I had her new joggers to take up
shes such a short arse im sure i take up every trouser she buys these days >.>
but i dont mind doesnt take a lot of doing and she does so much for me

so I did that, then started on my hot air balloon top
which took a bit of time but i got it done pretty quick
im pleased with it and mum said it was one of my best alterations
i didnt finish it til 6pm so i'll photograph it tomorrow in better light

i went to sleep during the day too as my energy levels dropped
thats what i did yesterday afternoon too but i forgot XD
when i woke i went for a short 15min walk just for some fresh air
but i didnt have the energy to walk far

and that pretty much was my day, it feels good to get jobs done
i worked whilst watching cinderella girls anime
and eating banana cake ^^

We watched gogglebox last night - celebrity version
luckily there was hardly and celebs on ^^ 
but it did show you videos of real people telling you about their losses to cancer
how they lose family to cancer, its awful and im going through it twice
it made me think "what if i too had been told i had 12 months to live?"
what would i do? i mean right now i dont have anything
no money, no house, boyfriend/husband, children. i wouldnt leave much of foot print behind
so i decided the first thing i would do would be to get pregnant
random i know. but my parents have always wanted grandchildren. so it would be great
if i could give them children, also it would be like a little part of me would still live on
even if i didnt get to raise the child long, and the child would be motherless i would still do it
i would feel like i would have achieved something and left a footprint behind
but with no boyfriend or husband id probably have to ask a good friend of mine to do 
the deed shall we say ^^" well getting it done artificially would take too long and you need 9 months as it is. so yeah haha that what was going through my mind whilst watching gogglebox last night

tomorrow i think me and my parents are getting out passport photos done
my brother did his last week, my current passport is well out of date
im about 5 or 6 years old on it. and i hope to not look like the grim reaper like do on
my driving license XD passport is a good form of ID but i think my family would like to
go abroad, the last time any of us went was 13 years ago
but who would look after the pets?

anyway ive yacked on enough~

Totoro Doodle

Good Evening~

I had a rough night >.> stupid cold
I just want to breath damn it!!!! ><
this morning tho i felt so poorly. I went to bed last thinking "i wonder if i'll get up tomorrow?"
i felt that poorly going to bed i thought id be bed bound the next day
nope Jozu gets up even when shes down and sick!
I didnt want to get up i have to say, but i have pets awaiting for me ;)

Mum wanted to go somewhere, i could have happily stayed at home
i do feel better if i do get out but sometimes im happy being in my 4 walls
but anyway i went out with her we just traveled to the massive Asda 25mins away
This time of year I LOVE in stores as its my best season HALLOWEEN!!
oh yes ^^ how I do love that spooky occassion
as I truly believe the humble pumpkin to be a thing of beauty
honestly someone could give me something pumpkin related for xmas and id be well happy!
anyway so i went straight to the halloween section, to be disapointed at how damn small it was!!!
usually that Asda goes full out and even darkens the aisles!! 
we went round the clothes - the reason for coming here
mum got a few bits so i was happy, i saw a bunny jumper i was tempted but knew i wouldnt
get a lot of wear outta it so i left it. but i did get a shirt for work - seeing as i have dress smarter now
its white with hot air balloons on it 
it had a tag of £12 on it but on the under side a sticker saying "damaged - reduced £3"
£3 for a new shirt bargin huh! but what's the damage?
so i inspected everywhere, but couldnt see any issues. so i showed it mum and she checked it over
but both of us couldnt find anything wrong with it so in basket it went ^^

Came home had lunch then went to bed and died
woke up to the smell of cake
my dear mother had made a banana cake *3* how i love that cake
so i waited around for the baby to come out the oven
as i do LOVE that cake warm =3= its good 

im not entirely sure where the afternoon went, maybe idol video watching? but i drew this

chibi Totoro, ive never drawn Totoro before 
it was a bead picture someone did on deviantart so i drew over it making this :)
i wanted to do an autumn picture
i wanna draw a halloween picture but they always suck

i have been sat in my room for the last hour designing a hoodie
i had all these ideas going round my head then suddenly it all went blank
im tired i know i am so therefor i couldnt think straight so i ended up packing it all away
yes maybe i shouldnt have got all that fabric out at 8pm but im like that when i get sudden idea
just usually i follow through and come up with a design not tonight tho =.=

tonight its Gogglebox - celebrity version
man why do celebrities have to get in  on  a program i like >.>
i choose to watch these things because they dont have celebrities in *sigh*
its a one off for cancer i keep telling myself  
im so grouchy arent i? haha

mum went to see granny today
she said she was in pain.....

I made mini Fairy houses X3

Good evening minna~

I was praying that when I would wake today that my cold would have gone
but nope =.= woke up with a stinkin' cold
someone up there truly must hate me =.=

After becoming re-united with the tissue box i went downstairs
and started my pet duties as usual
Tiffin decided he wanted to come in, it was cold and damp out there
usually when i let him he just runs upstairs and plays up there
or lays under my bed >.>
but this morning he actually stayed downstairs, well he did check up stairs
simply to make sure it was all how he last left it XD
anyway millie & alice were in the hall. tiffin found them...
millie immediately started following tiffin X3 they love each other
he turned round and sniffed her and walked on
alice came to join, tiffin kinda went to scare her off. he didnt harm her - just warned her
so they alice thought "i aint standing for this" and she snorted 4 times!!!!
I was so so shocked. ive only heard lily snort before to see alice do it made me gasp
when you hear a pig snort its guaranteed something is gonna kick off 
in the end i told tiffin to come away and he did luckily
alice took the hump and went to sit in an igloo
millie went to go sit with her but alice snapped at her, and didnt allow her access into the igloo
so millie was just sat outside the igloo! so cute she never does that
its like she was trying to make up with alice
i told tiffin hes stirred things up between em XD

Then I sat in my room making these

these are little Fairy houses X3 I saw a picture of them and decided to make them
altho mine ended up not being that christmasy 
but I thought I could still stick em up round xmas, i gave them little windows
so i could put battery tea lights in them. 
I want to make another one but waiting for a finished toilet roll ><

Mum took me out to the shops at the retail park
we just went TK MAXX and B&M bargins
TKMAXX we brought my brother some joggers, smellies for house
and my mum got a jumper and slippers. I got a hoodie I already have
so yes now i have 2 identical tops but theres a reason. its well comfy
and was reduced to £4!!! it had to be brought right? Also I got a bra which is incredibly soft ^^

Came home and went straight to bed i was exhausted 
when i woke up i taught mum how to use granny's kindle
granny doesnt want/need it anymore. mum has wanted one for ages
so yeah i sorted that for her. i told her shes grave robbing and granny aint dead yet XD
actually shes gone to see granny now. last night when she came home from hay wood house
she told me and my brother that she got no response from her whats so ever
its sad and im glad i havent seen her in that state
mum is going because she feels she has to and its the right thing to do
even though we all know if granny could talk she'd be telling us not to worry and go home

I should have gone for a walk with mia and helina but mia was busy
and helina had stomach ache so i was relieved as i didnt feel up to it
i can barely breathe as it is
I feel like crap. i just want my bed ><

not sure what im doing tomorrow. 
I have a few projects id like to do

ALSO WE HAVENT SEEN ANY MORE SQUIRRELS 0.0
i laughed as my dad has brought a new bird feeder - an anti-squirrel one
it's a bit late for that wouldnt you say? 
no body told him what my brother did!

new pajamas + photos

Konbanwa~

I got up today at 8:20am on a mission
for the last 3 times mum has beat me to cleaning out the pets
a job i can do, yet she gets on and does it with out me
even does tiffin for me!! as much as i do appreciate it
its wrong, its a job i should be doing
its only cus i was waking up a bit later >.>
so yeah I cleaned all 3 hutches out, its a good feeling but also tiring
tiffin always feels like he's "helping" 

In the morning me and mum went off into town
we havent been together in months
I picked up some jogging bottoms *0* i was so pleased
not because i had to throw my old crusty ones out this week but because
the joggers were in the sale!!! When theyre £4 a pair you cant complain
i only buy them with writing down the side. hate plain ones
and it only seems to be Select that sell em :/ i only wear em for round
the house + yoga
Also I was in need of pajamas....i keep looking but cant find any i like
i dont like vest top ones and its too warm for fleecy ones
i found some in new look but they said stuff like "hang over" on them
and even if its only my family who sees me in pajamas i still didnt want to wear em
until i found these babies in Primark - I never buy from there shows how desperate i was!
i found some long sleeve ones for when it gets colder
theyre Alice in Wonderland!!!!!!!!!!!

then I found t-shirt ones which have a bunny on!
All my pajamas are bunny related in one way or another XD

I picked up some think winter tights as well for work, they were in the sale also
we headed home, it was lunch time

I sat in the hall finishing my bunting my 23 flags
it took longer than i thought to stitch things on but worth it
im not sure how to photograph them tho :/
Ive done with making xmas decorations now and ive placed them in a box ready
some of them dont fit in the box tho >< 

I went to sleep as i looked and felt like a corpse
since i woke up in the morning i feel like i have a cold coming
my nose feels burny like i have water up it, my ears feel werid and my throat is sore
i cant believe im getting a cold =.= would explain my bad health lately tho
we shall see, im hoping it will be gone tomorrow when i wake :D

its yoga tonight, but both me and mum havent gone
shes gone with my dad to visit granny and im at home resting
my brother has decided that he too doesnt want to see her again
shes starting to get agitated and coming out with things that arent her
its not nice to see. mum doesnt want to see it ether
other relatives have been calling, asking if they should come see her
but mum says theres not much point 
i do feel awful not going and im at war with myself whether to go or not
but my mum told me and and my brother that we have done well to stick
by her this far and having a bad memory sticks with you for life 
its really hard. i dont think i could have coped with crying tonight
as for yoga, im tired and i wasnt in the mood to go by myself
so im gonna do some stretches by myself 

tomorrow i plan on making these christmas fairy houses
made from bog rolls, see how that goes
i uploaded photos today as i have been bad at not uploading any images lately!

I think thats the last time

Evening~

I woke up at 9am, i did not want to get up
its not like me, im such a morning person, someone who cant wait
to start the day. but i just want to turn over and slip into a coma for a while

I got up did my pet duties as usual
mum went out shopping then she came home to collect me to go see granny
we arrived at the hospital and my god i was shocked
the amount of cars!!! it was as if the hospital was giving out free money or something
everywhere was well and truly rammed
we went round the entire place and found no where. people resorted to parking
on banks and grass areas, those people we saw getting parking fines >< 
so mum was stressed and i told her to come away as there wasnt much
time left of visiting hours

we got home phoned haywood house and they said it was fine to come
outside of visiting hours, so mum called a taxi this time
my god are all taxi drivers crazy drivers!?
anyway i went to see her and granny was just there asleep on the bed as always
i spoke to her but this time she didnt really look at me..she didnt smile..she didnt speak to me
it was sad. and i could feel her frustration and tiredness
to make things worse the only thing she managed to say was
"ive had enough. i wish they would give me something so i can go"
my heart sank to hear that. i know shes fed up and waiting for the end but to hear it
its just awful. i felt so bad for her. i didnt speak a lot to her as i wasnt sure what to say
and i was crying a fair bit too. its just so sad seeing her like this
sitting next to her stroking her hand i was making my decision
the decision on weather to come back and see her again
she didnt really know i was there as i could tell she was slipping in and out of sleep
and each time i go im making myself more upset
i just dont want the memory you know? its the kind of thing that sticks in your mind
i want to remember granny as the lovely woman she was, not a sick old lady in bed

so upon leaving i went to her and kissed her good bye and just about got the
words out i tell her each time i leave her "i love you granny"
(woops making me  type this is making my eyes watery ><)
i just knew when leaving her room that that was the last i would see my granny
my last grandparent.
its not been so bad visiting her when she could talk and smile and cuddle you
but seeing her today wasnt my granny. im just glad shes not in pain
my family has gone to see her now, ive stayed behind.
each time i get upset its making my health worse and worse
i feel so selfish not going tho.
i mean if it was me lying in that bed id bloody want my family round me
id be so scared and id want to see everyone
i should be staying with her and supporting her. but im struggling
im not a good person. mum says ive seen her a lot and its not like i wasnt bothered
or didnt make the effort. i think its me just wanting to do more for her
its a difficult and frustrating position to be in.
so once again ive cried a fair bit

i got home for lunch i could have quite easily gone with out it
but mum made us some soup and bread. i just about ate it all
i layed down on the sofa and fell asleep for about 2 hours
im just shattered and weak lately, my health has not been good
its a stress illness, so any stress makes it worse. and im feeling A LOT of stress right now
i cant remember the last time i felt so poorly

i sat with the girls and stitched some bells and buttons on my bunting
i wanted to get some fresh air so i went for a little walk with mum
we checked grannys house over too
as soon as we got back home it absolutely poured down!!
hammering against the windows, literally 30 seconds after we walked through the door
talk about good timing!

ive tried to do a lil dancing over the days but im not getting anywhere with it
my heads muddled and i cant learn the moves
so ive decided to have a week off from dance cover uploads

mum is on about going out with me for the day tomorrow
but we shall see
it all depends on granny, i know mum wants to be there for her at the end
as for me i believe i have seen my granny for the last time
i dont want her to go i wish i could have her back to normal
im struggling to cope with this, i cant imagine the state i'll be in when i lose mum
i'll be a wreck! im so close with mum ive been trying to support her through this
anyway see what tomorrow brings

Squirrel lost the battle

Evening all~

Today I woke up just before 9am
I had slept bad again waking up in awkward positions
so when I did finally get up I realized I had a pulled muscle in my neck =.=

I decided to start the day with sewing
and I finished my bunting well kinda, i still need to sew buttons and bells on
I sat with the piggies as well because its rained all day = indoor play

Tiffin had a run in with the squirrel yesterday and today the bloody thing
came after him again!!!
it scared me how close they were I shouted out my bedroom
mum was in the kitchen and went out to them
the squirrel is so cocky tho it just stood there, its because
its burying it's nuts round the garden so it doesnt want tiffin after them
I made sure tiffin was ok told him what a brave boy he was for not running away

later on today i caught the squirrel on the fence near tiffin staring down at him
tiffin had his ears angled at the squirrel so i went out and shooed it off
i was forever looking out of windows today checking on tiffin
i was so annoyed at it going after tiffin, what would happen if i couldnt get there
quick enough? or if tiffin decided to give in? 
My brother was on about shooting the squirrel and in my moment of hate for the creature
i agreed, never really meant it

later on i was sat at my sewing machine
i heard a loud noise
i shouted "what the hell was that!?"
my brother "my gun"
"oh, did you hit it?"
brother "yeah"
I thought "no way did he get it first time. no way would he even shoot it"
so i thought id get up to see if tiffin was ok, to see if he was startled by the gun shoot
and thats when i freaked out
i saw this squirrel dying. it was trying to walk away but slowly failing
i shouted my brother 3 times, but he had gone down stairs
my mum at that moment had flushed the toilet so she couldnt hear me
she came out the bathroom, she saw me in a state
mum "whats the matter!?"
me "mum its dying!!! its gasping for life!!
mum "i dont want to see it! i cant believe he got it!! come here Jo"

so me and mum cuddled on her bed i was a bit upset at this point
i actually thought i was gonna be sick at any moment
i was just shook up, i did not expect to see that at all
my brother came in and asked if we were ok and if we were mad at him
i told him i wasnt i just hadnt been ready for that, i thought he was joking about getting it
hes got a good bloody aim. he said it was hard to look at its face through the scope.
im glad its gone because i was worried for tiffin's safety and the pigs
but i just believed it would eventually go if we kept scaring it away
so that drained the life outta me

i made dinner not that i felt like eating it but i was determined to  get it
all down me since i hadnt eaten a decent meal all day
my thoughts on food have been bad lately =.=

my mum got a phone call from granny's friend. she had been to see granny
relieving us of visiting her in the afternoon
her friend told us that granny wasnt good and was told she had 3 days...
my family left for grannys, i felt tired and i felt like i couldnt cope with much more
not tonight anway, and said id go tomorrow

whilst they were out lynn phoned to say her husband has gone into hospital
she isnt well ether
then i tried to talk to ed as hes been calling and i havent been picking up
so we went to skype and that lasted 10 whole minutes as my family
came home and mum was upset. mum doesnt usually get upset 
so i quickly said my goodbyes to ed and went to see  mum

mum said granny wasnt good and can feel the end is near
it made me upset, well actually i tend to get upset when i see mum upset
its just a reaction i have i guess
so i said id go tomorrow morning with her. mum is canceling her work tomorrow
to go see granny. 

im finding life hard. im struggling to find any joy and happiness at the moment
like theres no light at the end of the tunnel
i know it will get better it just feels like a long way away

anyway im off to go sit with my pets then go bed
finally bed