Poorly in summer, really?

Who gets sick in summer?
really?
what germs breed in summer?
Any germ going I seem to hover up
Last night I could not stop sneezing and blowing my nose
got through half a tissue box in 2 hours
i felt like crap and went to bed
woke up through the night not being able to breathe
then at 5am when hay fever usually starts it woke me up
safe to say I was shattered for school this morning

I havent stopped blowing my nose ALL DAY
i look like bloody Rudolph my nose is sore
as the day has gone on the worse I have felt
I now can't control my body temperture im ether freezing or sweating
my nose is running, i have a headache my forehead pounds on my nose
my neck feels swollen and I ache
i feel like crap
i somehow made it through school, came home
went to bed

I want to go school tomorrow even tho today bored me to tears
maths til 10:30am then english all day
whippee!!!
I was asked however by the head teacher, a teacher and a teaching assistant 
had I applied to their job
I thought that was really nice of them to ask :)
on other job news it looks like im getting £5 more per day for some odd reason
not gonna question it 

my converse are starting to rub my feet
the back of them has worn
and theyre my school shoes too /:
need new school shoes

wonder what sleep i will manage to get tonight
cant wait to find out
not being able to dance or go for a run is gonna play havoc with my mental state
not doing any exercise today...not good
considering ive eaten bad and im tired
not a good combo 

i wish to go school tomorrow
i will drag my corpse there if i have to 

Agreed not going Sheffield again

Tadaima~~

I'm home!
Got home about 12:15pm
glad to be sodding home as well in all honesty 

So friday~
I was tired I'd had a rough night as per usual
I wasn't in the best of moods I just wasnt really
should have been happy I was going away
but I wasn't
Adam's dad picked me up ridiculously early I should have known better
didnt stop me from moaning about it
means waiting at the train station pointlessly longer
adam brought me a tea in the cafe there but I didnt drink it all
as I didnt want anything

we got off the train and walked to a cafe for a drink then started our trek up to the hotel
my god why hadnt i driven!? he wouldnt let me drive
thats the last time i give in and let it happen
its a stupid trek
we got to the hotel and we stayed there til 2pm as adam had arranged
for me to have a hot stone massage which was nice of him and good experience
we went back to the room were i had a bath to get rid of the massage oil
and we stayed in the room til 5pm when we walked to the only pub within a 5mile radios 
i ordered, and i should have known better, Mediterranean veg pie
the pie was pastry not potato - yuck
it came with mushy peas as i hadnt stated garden
i had to pay as their card reader wasnt working and adam didnt have cash
i  had just enough luckily
i ate the veg out the pie and the chips
yum
we went back to room, let food go down and went swimming which was alright

the room was a lil dirty and the water out the tap took ages to go luke warm never mind cold
it was also cloudy water, why was it cloudy?

saturday (yesterday)
i got up and made tea with cloudy water
i took my sweet time getting ready as we had a whole day to kill round dead old Sheffield 
we took the long trek to the shops and adam originally said he was gonna go round the shops look for holiday wear. He didnt 
we barely went round anything
eventually we stopped for lunch (luckily i had brought break fast biscuits to last me)
we couldnt find a cheap enough cafe til eventually we found one
we had it to our selves
i ordered beans on toast
came with stone cold toast and barely warm beans
with no other patrons in there, and it was simple beans on toast, what was the excuse?
i ate half a slice of bread and a bit of bean
yuck
we talked about dinner as theres nothing round us and it was only afternoon
we couldnt hang round sheffield not that ether of us had seen any where we fancied eating at
so i suggest, me again making decisions, that we buy a shed load of food and a blanket and have a picnic by the lake at the hotel. So thats what we did we visited sainsburys and greggs for food
primark for a blanket and headed, rather early, to the hotel

we waited around the room 
in the room again! spend a lot of time in those 4 walls
5pm came round and i suggested going out for our picnic
it had been sunny for the last 2 hours
we went outside, started spitting
we walked back into our room to watch it hammer down
i was annoyed we'd been rained off
but also glad we werent in it or walking to food in it
so we ate on the bed like a couple of students
i had just literally finished my last mouth full, the room alarm goes off
adam, like a rocket up is butt ran out the room shouting for me to come
i said "im putting my shoes on" he said "no come on!" i said "no wait for me to put my shoes on"
what was his deal?
so i left the room and went to lobby
turns out the drains outside had been flooded and cars were needed to be moved
thats what the alarm was for
not for fire or anything
cus some drains had failed
seriously!?
thats health and safety gone mad
it had only been raining sodding half an hour!
i was about being sick as id literally had to run after eating and felt awful
so i needed a minute

we had just been laying there til adam said
"let go swimming" we got all ready to go, got there
pool shut
we were too late, turns out shuts earlier on a saturday
so back to the room we went where we spent the rest of the night
fun times my friends
i had a bath and went to bed
screw that crap 

today i woke up
id had an nightmare and not slept
just having restless sleep
feel knackered in the morning
i had a bath and got ready to leave the hotel
we walked allllllll they way to the train station
caught the train, my parents met us off the train and we took adam home first
then i went home with my parents 
i needed space
to be fair adam hadnt done anything wrong, just i was struggling mentally and i felt id had a crummy disappointing time

i came home and shared some cereal with Ozwald
he was happy to have me back
i unpacked and told my mum about my break away
she said to not let it put me off going away with mia next month
and im going manchester with mia so instantly it should be more fun
just i'll be on new medication by then which im a bit anxious about

at 2pm i went to adams to paint his mum's nails
and i stayed there for 2 hours
but got bored of sitting round cus thats all id done with him all weekend
i wasnt prepared to sit any longer
so came home and applied to some jobs and caught up online
designed nails, danced, just did what i wanted to do 

we've agreed we're not going sheffield again
or if we do then one of us is driving 
i didnt want to come THIS time but adam seemed keen so i gave in to him
i feel bad in a way cus ive been a real git to him 
and he always puts up with it i mean he did say i was hard work and buy some headphones for his phone but he told me he loves me and enjoyed spending time with me
i was in my bubble or in a mood
just struggling really, starting to get gaps in my memory as well ive noticed 
and having nightmares
im gonna be driven to insanity before i know it!

school tomorrow
please god let me sleep other wise i will be falling asleep in class
im going for a much needed run tonight!!!!!!!
glad to be home, my room, my space, my bed, please myself~

Need a stupid bloody blood test

Evening~

I took a sleeping tablet last night
I felt drowsy and then all of sudden out of no where
the effects quickly wore off...since when does this happen?
I have never had that happen before
so it took me a while to get to sleep
and the hopes of it sedating my body didnt work ether!

I woke up tired from fighting in my sleep
tired from the remnants of the sleeping tablet
I was in a mood or several moods this morning
I didnt know whether i wanted to cry, get annoyed, fight
i had no idea
I was all over the place
I tried my god to try even the playing field but it wasnt happening
i was suppose to be packing my stuff for tomorrow
but i couldnt think
that was annoying me
so in the end i got my trainers on and I went for a good run and it literally
was like a bloody run in the hope it would fix everything

it sorted me out a little bit
i was able to start packing for my 2 night get away

I had a phone call from the psychiatrist 
about medication
he offered a anti-depressiant i had already been on in the past but its effects fizzled
out after about 8 months so i was loath to try it again or even antidepressants for that matter
and i told him this and that i wasnt finding my psychologist helpful
he said i could go on an psychotic type drug thing but id need a blood test...
a sodding blood test..
is someone up there laughing at me or what!?
gotta have a stupid damn blood test as the new medication is strong and they have to make sure my liver is functioning properly. Also it can counter out any other medication well has the potential to anyway. So its gonna take some adjusting but might be worth it
it best be worth it as i need a sodding blood test
ahhhhhhhhhhh dont wanna go
hate it
cant cope with this crap
so ive got to wait in the post for my blood form and go get it done
ugh

the agency phoned and said ive got work for mon tue fri next week
as the usual school and the same one i applied for last night
nice to have work it just best no be boring
but its work

i went out to the shops by myself
picked up pet food, hair dye for next time and stuff mum wanted
walked to my car and couldnt remember where i had parked...not usually an issue i have
yesterday i got in the car with adam and i was driving but didnt know the route
losing my mind

been packing and did a bit of dancing
i havent stopped today all in aid to help me sleep tonight

i have yoga tonight
we have a different teacher
we have met her but never been taught by her
we thought we'd give it ago anyway seeing as karen is away on holiday
and we didnt go last week

tomorrow i go away til sunday!
just going away with adam to sheffield
its th place we stayed last april where he asked me out
he feels the need to go back
he says hes got me a surprise which hes been banging on about for the last week
him and his dad suck at surprises they dont do surprises
they cant wait to tell or drop hints
i keep shutting him up everytime he brings it up other wise i will know
hes got surprise tourettes!
we're going by train, adam's dad is picking me up at 10:30am
i will miss my Ozwald and i hope that im not dying of hay fever
and my god do i hope im not mentally deranged whilst im away

see ya in a bit~

Yosakoi

Konbanwa~~~~

I felt I slept pretty well despite being quite awake and shattered from Mia's
didnt get in til 10:15pm
she had got Todd with her as her parents were away
hes such an old man bless him
she chatted away and away but I dont mind
so yeah I felt I slept pretty well but I noticed the other nights
i keep waking up as im in a funny position
last night felt like I was wrestling with the sheets!
adam said friday night I fidgeted in my sleep a lot
what am I doing in my sleep?
no wonder im tired when I wake up

My morning was a cleaning morning
did some dancing
ahhhh speaking of dancing I have a new thing i wanna try!
Yosakoi!!! I have known about it for years but never knew what it was called
finally I know and I have been doing my research!
Yosakoi is a style of Japanese dancing combining old music and dance with new music and dance
its beautiful and I have always like that kinda thing
I saw some stunning performances of what has been going off this week in Japan
wish I was there!!
Its made me want to learn a Yosakoi
They dance traditionally in Yukata or Happi coat
Mia gave me a Yukata a while ago so I have that
but they also use in their hands Naruko
i needed Naruko
so I went on ebay and searched
i got the last cheapest pair for £5 
just have a go and a play with :D
the dances look hard, fast paced, complex and energetic
but I really would like a go!

So anyway I cleaned my room as it was ready
and I dont like coming back home to dirty room
I'd had a shower that morning as Id danced
but I suddenly decided that I was gonna dye my hair
so I dyed my hair and had another shower
its a little bit darker but all one colour now and shiny and soft
I had lunch and then adam came over
he found me fussing Oz on the sofa

we sat and had a talk and a brew with mum
then we went out to a town to walk round
went round a few charity shops and adam found a Noragami manga book
I hadnt got it and thought Id pick it up it was £1.50
the original price is £8.99! 
we went for ice cream my treat it was good :D

I did feel a bit more 'myself' today
not completely but better than the shell i have been lately
we went back to his talked with his dad but i got bored and walked off
we went in his room he said my pupils were huge
his weren't
why was mine large? he said i looked high XD

I came home and had dinner did my pot duty
then came upstairs to apply for a job i meant to do earlier
and applied for 2 more application forms
its the time schools want staff for september!

now its 6:45pm
im not going for a run as it means getting sweaty and I am not going
for a 3rd shower today!
i may dance a little bit 
got nails to design and to write a list of what to take on friday

here's some hair curlers i brought to try :)

Paid off the holiday

Evening~

Doing my diary at 4:15pm cus I don't think I will have time later

Hardly slept
Im so damn tired
something keeps me awake or wakes me up wanting to do stuff
why cant it see that sleep is needed at that particular moment?
so tired

I woke up in a bad mood
literally i would have had any fight going and enjoyed it
talk about tread on egg shells round me
i got ready to adam who i could have said to leave me behind today
but its not fair to him and to push people away isnt the right thing to do

I picked him up at 10:30
we headed off to the city centre together
i told him i was in a bad mood
theres so much nasty stuff i could have said to him too
nothing he's done just the mood i was in
we missed the bus which didnt help my mood

we got into the city and we paid off the rest of the holiday
thats a good feeling ticked off
we picked up the bits mum wanted
went for something to eat
i didnt want food but i knew he wanted food
i had a sausage sandwich which was awful
talk about dried out sausages 
awful
how can you get a sausage sandwich wrong?
didnt eat much of it

we went for the bus 
on the way back home I went into the Range for canvas varnish
then we went to his house for a brew

ive pushed him away all day today
and i know when he wants my affection and i dont give it
it must hurt and a part buried inside me knows that and wants to do something about it
but its squished down leaving me uncaring 
i dont want his affection im quite happy living in a bubble away from everyone
but deep down i know its not the right thing to do

mia texted to see if i wanted to go over tonight
i didnt
but thats not me or the right thing to do
i was with adam, i needed a run, a shower, dinner and to see mia
i couldnt think how id make that all work
the run most people would ditch but i knew i NEEDED that run to sort everything out
so i left adams around 3pm which is early
but its the only way id fit my day together, also i had had enough
and i felt i could quite easily ruin his afternoon 
so yeah i went home

i got changed into comfy clothes and varnished my canvas
the varnish i got i
ID'd for!! I needed ID for that varnish
how old did that guy serving me think i was!? 
i said when i handed my money to the cashier, turning to adam
"wanna go get high?" the cashier laughed
my canvas looks the same but should protect the colours

i tided the computer room/dad's office as it was a tip
it looks better and thats where my canvas is going
didnt want my art work in a tip and ive been meaning to clean it not that its my job
just got a load of my brother's crap left in it

did some dancing, not much cus im struggling with it all
im going for a run very shortly need to get it out my system
but im so damn tired and i know my hay fever is gonna love this

tomorrow im not 100% sure what im doing as of yet
my nails from last week~

Went swimming with mummy

Evening~

I managed a run last night
I swear im running like every bloody day just so I can sleep
its relentless and I almost go on auto pilot
I managed to fall asleep pretty fast i was tired
then I woke up at 11:30pm, why? I have no idea
like woke up and was ready to start something
luckily i hit the pillow and fell asleep
to wake up at 4am which i have been doing lately as its when hay fever likes to wake me up
so end up waking up periodically from then blowing my nose
cus i cant breathe
i hate it

I got up and me and mum decided we'd go swimming
we were thinking of ice skating but public skate wasnt til 1:15pm
and we couldnt be bothered to go into the city for that time
swimming it was
swimming was very hard work i have to say
and me and mum's skin was itching
what chemicals were in that pool i dont want to know
but its not usually like that
we couldnt wait to come out
we sat in the jacuzzi for a few mins which was nice
we came home and had beans on toast

from there which was 1pm i stayed in bed til 4pm
i felt like crap
my body felt like it weighed 10x as much and that i couldnt move
i couldnt feel i just laid
in the end something snapped and i got up and carried on
what that was about i dont know
just felt like i needed to block the world out

I got up and went on my laptop checked my messages then made
myself pasta for dinner
since then i have been practising my dancing
i am still dancing but ive found it so difficult as of late to concentrate on it
and i want to do a good job and enjoy not just do it

not sure if i will run tonight
id like to get away with not having to run but i need a shower anyway
be nice if i could just dance
fingers crossed just dance

tomorrow going into the city centre with adam
were paying off the rest of the holiday and doing any shopping we want
seeing as we both havent got work we might as well do this ball ache of a task

I got this in the post as I wanted to try the brand out, this is eye shadow
I havent used it yet

but came with some awesome freebies

Turns out 0.1 of a second makes a difference!

Evening

I barely slept
My mind was way too busy
much too busy
we had 'Detonate' festival happening 4.2 miles from
out house. We could hear it very clearly
and then they had fire works...
just when that died down a owl decided to have its own festival outside my window
I was suffering with hay fever
all in all crap night

I got up this morning at 8:30am
not knowing what I was gonna do today
didnt even know what I felt like doing
in the end I whipped out my labels i cut from clothing
i had a good pile building up and decided to stitch them together
making 5 panels then added that row of 5 to the rest of it

its getting big! bigger than A3 now for sure

Adam said to come see him after lunch
so I did
one little thing was that I was in a 'mood' last night before bed and it felt like
it had continued into today
usually a run breaks that funk but because i had ran in the morning not the evening
it didnt seem to have the effect it usually has
so I was in a mood
he could tell
dont think i spoke that much to him
didnt know what i wanted to do
so in the end he got up and told me were going for a walk 
and we did but it didnt snap me out of it

we went back to his
i showed his parents my canvas and they thought it was amazing
his dad asked me what time i managed yesterday and i said "31:53"
he didnt believe me
god knows why cus i dont lie
so adam got up times and confirmed it
then adams dad said "think ive done that park run in a similar time"
adam got up times and eventually found his dad's time
31:54....0.1 slower than me...
his mum was well elated at that and high fived me XD
i didnt make a fuss of it but i couldnt believe that i had technically beat him
i think he feels game is on now

me and adam went upstairs as id left a hair bow in his room from friday night
i told him i could find it but he came up anyway
not hard to find something pink and shiny in his room XD
he wanted to talk to me
but i still wouldnt open up and tell him
he started to shower me with affection but i wasnt feeling any of it
literally even today when hes touched my skin, i get the sensation that theres something on my skin but its so muted. So to have him giving me his kisses and attention just felt distant 
i couldnt give it back i just couldnt
i could tell this was all starting to frustrate him a little
he wasnt getting mad or anything but i could tell
me keeping shut out, pushing him away, giving no love to him
its bound to grate isnt it

he said "youve got to learn to loosen up a bit"
i said numbly "i know"
he said "you are allowed to have fun and enjoy yourself"
i said "i know"
he said "you never let go"
everything was becoming too much to cope with
my head was screaming at me
adam was on at me
he was giving me affection i couldnt feel
i could feel deep down inside i was crying, i was sad
and i was willing it to come to the surface just so id feel Something
sick of being numb to the world these last few weeks, months even
eventually i did start to cry but the emotions that usually flow with tears were halved 
he backed away and was instantly concerned with my out burst
i talked to him as i could actually express myself
whilst crying the lock on my mouth that stopped me from telling others what is the matter
was removed so i got it all out
and how scared i was of my head 
he cuddled me and wiped my tears and told me how much he loves me, hes not going anywhere, he'll always be there, he'd do anything for me
just so much was said and i got some concerns off my chest
i got to hear bits about what he thought
so it probably did some good
gone back to bottling it up again
i can feel the shut down once again

I was offered to stay for dinner
and i wanted to i really did
but i know i HAVE to run tonight
if i want my sanity and to sleep tonight ive got to
no choice
so i came home
doing my diary, might run through dances before dinner, have dinner, run, shower, bed

not sure what im doing tomorrow
mum has just found out shes not needed at work tomorrow!
so we might have the day together!