Its hot, but i got help for my interview

Evening

thats 2 nights on the trot ive lost sleep over this damn interview!!
ahhhh stressing
Anyway so last night I was in a mood like I had been all weekend
I some how found the strength (even through the unbearable heat) to dance
and i danced with my bedroom door open (i NEVER do that with family home) and I danced where I could be seen in my bedroom by my parents who were outside in the garden (i am never on show when I dance!)
I just got on with it really not caring cus i know im not brilliant at dancing but its fun and I felt i had to do something to make me smile once again
and it did
and before I knew it the loneliness disappeared i wasnt alone anymore in my self
I felt better for it but my god was i sweaty! shower was needed!

this morning was school
and whereas i wasnt particularly looking forward to my trip to school and bumping into the head teacher i felt fine about it all since last night really
so i walked into school fine
the head teacher pounced on me saying thanks for agreeing to the interview
i said i was nervous he told me not to be that id be fine
i had a lot of staff asking me if i had gotten an interview
they clearly must like me is my guess
the teacher ive been working with talked to me about my interview and i told her what planning i had done so far she said if i showed her the curriculum sheet i was given in the email that she'd give me a help with it! so much kindness ^^

we had maths and english this morning as per usual
at lunch i went on my laptop (very rushed lunch) and printed out the sheet
i came back to school and the teacher did help me and i felt better after it as it had given me some help, guidance and understanding of just what i needed to achieve. 
the afternoon consisted of a very hot green house like classroom, the kids were hot and clearly didnt want to work cus lets face it who wants a whole afternoon dedicated to english when its hot and should have been doing ICT.

I came home
hot
but waiting to shower til late tonight
i couldnt sit still
even tho i was tired
mum said she's finding me hard to deal with 
shes reaching out to friends who may know therapists as the hypnotherapist never got back to us, one person gave me a website about DID and ive tried to read some but my brain is fried with other stuff right now but i will read it eventually its called pods-online

I sat doing my worksheet for the lesson ive got to give in my interview
ive also sat and taught myself how to do long multiplication as i can never bloody do it
and i know i will probably end up getting a question in the maths section of my interview
dont wanna look too stupid
but a TA told me today that i dont have to get 10/10 on my maths just as long as i get some right and show understanding. made me feel 1000x better!

my piggies had to wait patiently to out as they hadnt been outside since 8am and had to wait til gone 6:30pm. with it being sunny and 28c it wasnt safe for them to be outside
so im keeping an eye on them bless em

I rescheduled my appointment with my psychologist and as predicted i have to wait to 2 weeks to see Mr. Important. load of crap. he does nothing anyway!

tonight
hmmm tonight what shall i do~~
its a lil hot and humid for a run i reckon unless i go late late
or i could dance
i could even try my yosakoi as its only dad in and i doubt he'd hear my naruko XD
finding it hard but wanna do it!

tomorrow is school then practising a bit more maths 

New school shoes!

Just 2 hours this week

Evening~

I hardly slept
I was up til 1am thinking about my interview 
worrying about it and what to do about it
I woke up a lot from that by fighting with my bed sheets

I woke up at 9am
I didn't know what I wanted to do today
I knew I had to go out and get a few supplies for my interview
and i told mum my running shoes were rubbing (theyre like 5/6 years old)
so we went out to morrisons and tk maxx
i got my interview stuff and new shoes
we came back and I started sewing the final pieces of my jacket together
im pleased to say its finished
didnt take too long and I sat in front of Hanayamata anime whilst doing it

adam had texted saying "i can see if you after lunch if you like"
i said "yeah i'll see"
he said "whats to see?"
I said "i have a few jobs to do"
what i wasnt telling him was how crap and low i was feeling
really bad lately
feel such a shell a sad sad shell of my former self

I ended up laying on my bed
crying
and whilst its good in a way to feel some sort of emotion in stead of being numb
being sad has its limits
i was sad, frustrated and confused and lonely
it hurts 
mum found me, im sure she always knows when im silently crying to my self
like a 6th sense 
she said her and dad were off out but when she found me she listened to my unhappy speech and then said she didnt want to leave me, she offered for me to go with her dad and i said "dad never wants me there with you" she said "he doesnt mind" he does
she went downstairs and i could hear her whispering to dad that i wasnt happy and for me to go with them and i heard dad say "tell her to get her butt outside"
so i ended up with a blotchy face, red eyes, messed hair and tears down my face
going out with them

it was baking hot today
we walked through some woods near adam's house
then called in a cafe for an ice cream
it was nice and i did enjoy my time out rather than home alone 
but i was ready to come home

i came back to my room
not being able to bare any more of the day and my mindset and tiredness
i fell asleep on my bed
i woke up to the sound of my phone
adam had texted me
clearly missing me
i worked out that we'd only spent 2 hours together this whole week
which is probably the least time ever since we've been going out
i can tell it hasnt sat right with him
but i feel like i have bigger things to worry and deal with
once again i dont give back the feelings he gives out
i told him i wasnt good today and he said he'd guessed it was 
because i wasnt good mentally
i told him it wouldnt have been fair to him on his day off to deal with me like this as i wasnt in the mood or even had the energy to pretend i was ok and talk to him and his family
he said that he would have talked to me out the way but i said i dont feel like talking helps, talking just lets others know whats going off in my messed up mind
when did life become so hard, sad and empty?
its never ending 
i know im pushing adam away but it wouldnt have been fair on him dealing with me like this
i didnt want his affection or company ether to be honest
im lonely but its not the company i seem to want 

ive got school tomorrow
im kinda dreading it
as much as im grateful for work and i will get the work done
its not what i want
i dont want to see the head teacher in case he talks about my interview
i just dont want any of it
what i do want is to sleep
sleep for a very long time
sleep until i feel the sadness has passed 
im tired and i feel like im only gonna cry at this rate

New PB and I have an interview

Evening~

Last night I was left alone til 10pm
I did some dancing and practised with my lonely Naruko doing Yosakoi
its sooooooo hard! Im not used to dancing with a prop and one what you have to shake as well. So i have a routine to learn and shaking in time with the routine!
its good and i want a pair of Naruko to practise with
i also started watching the Yosakoi anime Hanayamata 
its cute and im liking the Yosakoi theme
i watched the last episode of Friday Night Dinner I had missed when I slept over at adams a few weeks ago, it was disappointing but i was glad i had ticked it off my 'to watch' list
i waited for my parents to come home then went to bed
I slept well as Id saved some cold and flu - night tablets
always seem to give me a deep sleep

In the morning I got up for park run
I could tell I was still not well but I was not gonna miss it
so I got ready
my brother filled me in on his exhibition night which went well
says his was the best and that surprised me, not because i think his work is
bad but because he said something positive about his work!
usually he's always pulling it to pieces
so im happy that he could say something positive about his work
im yet to see the film he has made that was at his exhibition
mum said his was easily the best XD

Park run was alright
I did find it a bit difficult just because i was coughing and blowing my nose
whilst running which isnt fun
but i tried and i enjoyed it, it was good weather for it also
i ended up doing a new PB of 30:18
i ran 5k in 30mins so im pleased with that
and its sooooo close to the under 30 min mark im aiming for!
I will hit that mark one day!

I came back and showered, massaged my legs, face packed
and then had a brew watching a few youtube videos i had to catch up on
im a lil sad that i havent contributed to youtube as of late
but i will! i havent given up!
im thinking of asking my brother if i can borrow his tri-pod to put my camera 
on outside and do a quick dance record
havent had the guts to ask him or dance outside yet
but i hope i will!

I checked my emails
id been given an interview for the school ive been doing a lot of supply work for
i was relieved i was offered an interview as they know me and to be not given an interview would have made me feel like i was bad at my job.
but its a double edge sword as its made me feel quite uneasy 
i mean no one likes interviews unless your egotistical and like talking about yourself
but this one is particularly difficult 
in fact id go as far as to say its the most difficult interview ive been tasked with
on Wednesday 27th June at 1pm
I have got to
prepare a lesson to 6 year 5 students (aged 10) about fractions for 15 minutes
i have got to sit and english and maths questions (to test if im thick i believe)
a formal interview with the head teacher
and if thats not daunting i dont know what is!
I was told by a Teaching assistant at the school on friday that when she did the interview 4 years ago she had to do 8 SATS maths questions and the english was to write a letter as to why you want the job. I have sat a SATS paper before
i did really bad at it....my english sucks as well as having dyslexia makes life harder 
so whilst i was happy id been given an interview i was also having a mini melt down

why did i have to do fractions!? i can do them but i mean couldnt i do art?
so i was having a google at interesting ways to teach fractions
i didnt want to walk in there doing simple equations so ive come up with an idea of buying some cheap 500ml drinks, pouring away the contents, filling a little with coloured water. Grab a tennis ball and then bowl down the bottles then they have to write down what fraction of say blue bottles they hit down, i only have 15 mins so i 
want it to be different and fun. 
so i started making some maths sheets to use, designing them myself of course ^^

I did some sewing before i sat down and did any interview work as i wanted to do something i wanted to do. I had on Hanayamata anime whilst sewing :D I got pretty far actually and I only have the pockets, sleeves and hood to sew on and then it is finished! I originally wasnt sure on the colours but ive come to like their combo
here's the lace ive been using

then I went to bed as i was feeling a bit like death
mum was shocked at the park run time id achieved whilst feeling poorly

when i woke up i had a bit of a melt down
well i think it was a bit of a moan and and bit of what was on my mind as of late
i told her how i was worrying about my interview
not just because its an interview but because of, do i want a permanent job?
i feel ive been halfheartedly saying I do
but do I?
ever since I had my first job at aged 22 Ive done casual work
nothing was ever in concrete which has its pros and cons
but it meant that if i couldnt or didnt want to work for what ever reason that i could
having a permanent job makes things seem a bit daunting and adult almost
i know eventually i NEED a permanent job
i worry that is it a teaching assistant job i want?
will i be any good at it? i look at other TAs and theyre so brilliant at their job
i was getting teary at this point
what do i want in life? im not happy
and i dont even know what it is i need to do to make myself happy
what do i want? if i dont know who is gonna know?
i dont want the same life that seems mapped out for all adults
job - house - marriage - children - retirement 
its so dull, so everyday, so mundane
its not enough for me
to even buy a house in Nottingham is something i would hate to do
i dont want to live in this city
if i have kids i dont want to bring them up in this country
im not sure i want to be in this country
i am by no means saying i want to be famous or a celebrity or rich
i dont want any of those life styles
but i dont know what i want, im lost. im goal-less 
im sad...

mum said to me that now is not the right time to be thinking of a career change
as my head isnt in the right frame of mind, i havent been a 'proper' TA as ive been doing supply work
it will be different belonging to a school 
everyone gets lost time to time.
i dont have the same emotions as everyone else (currently)
which is making my perspective on life different
i need to get my head sorted out 
dont get stressed, if continuing with agency work suits you do just that
money isnt everything
maybe finding someone with the same interests as you might help
cus thats another thing, i live in a bubble
my bubble
no one enters my bubble
no one around me has the same interests as me remotely 
i love japanese culture, japanese dancing, japanese idols and music and the japanese language
i love to dance, draw, be active and creative
i have mia who likes to draw and be a bit creative, tara is creative and so is lynn. but no one shares my love of all things japanese and dancing
im alone in everything i do
me and adam come from 2 very different worlds and i wonder how long my relationship will last with him sometimes. as i find it dull at the best of times. we dont do anything together of interest because our interests differ so greatly. I cant talk to him about music or japanese and he cant talk to me about sports he has no interests or hobbies in fact he doesnt do anything with him self he's happy to watch life pass him by for life to become stagnant but im always fighting that. 
i sometimes wonder if we're meant to be
especially lately as my emotions have all but been turned off
i have no love or affection for him. kissing him with no emotion feels so empty and forceful 
but i know its unfair on him to make a decision whilst not in the right frame of mind
its also unfair to string someone along. Ive tried to tell him but its hard telling someone "im mentally deranged at the moment and therefor have no love for you" ive told him i feel numb and im struggling. I feel like im being a friend to him whereas his feeling for me have no changed in the slightest. He has so much feeling and love for me and i dont ever feel or give that back. But if he wasnt happy with it im sure he'd say.

so much of my life is up down and nothing is certain
its difficult
i wish i knew what it was i wanted to do
my hobbies are just that, hobbies. i couldnt make a job out of them
i have no idea how to go about getting others to join my band wagon
im lost

anyway ive ranted enough
im fed up of being sad and empty
im ready to fill myself with lots of things 
its just knowing how to go about doing that

tomorrow hasnt been decided yet
i just know ive got to go out by some bottles for my interview and food colouring

Oh i got my new school shoes in the post today
my new converse :D

A Naruko

Evening~~

I didn't sleep too bad last night
but I was tired and aching
I woke up aching + extra aches from yoga
but got ready for school~

School was a bit different today
I about thought id walked into the wrong classroom
when she said "were doing P.E. today"
wow P.E. something fun and non-writing!
I thought I was gonna be lucky enough to join them in playing rounders
just so i could beat a load of 9 year olds XD but sadly she gave me TA jobs to do
wasnt so bad just very repetitive but I got to speak to other TAs
and talked about interviews and such 

I came home for lunch then went back to school
where she had me doing TA jobs all afternoon so I wasnt in class much
but i cant complain at that really
Im in a mood that im not sure what i truly want to be doing
so everything feels slightly off and like a chore

The head teacher asked me to come into school
next Monday Tuesday and Friday
and whilst im grateful to have work and money i just know
im gonna be bored and it isnt what I want to do
but I know I will get through it

I came home and ate
feel like ive eaten loads this week
maybe its my cold? ether way its making me go a bit mental with anorexic thoughts
want to have a week of starving myself
feel fat
look fat
ugh nothing seems good right now and i want it to change!

Having work next week means ive got to miss
my massage with Karen and my psychotherapy appointment with bob
which may seem bad especially as knowing how "busy and important" he is he wont be able to fit me in for another 2 weeks (usually happens) but I said to mum that he isnt doing anything for me anyway so im not missing out really even tho it will end up being 6 weeks from my last session
id rather see a hypnotherapist which mum rang today and we're waiting to hear back from

My brother has his presentation exhibition tonight in the city centre for his Uni course
my parents are attending, im not
dont think i could go through with that with the way im feeling
throats might get ripped out
so im staying home alone for a couple of hours
and i had the most ingenious that id blast out some music and do some dancing
yup thats what im doing in less than an hour's time
which works out well as its very hot today so running might not be pleasant 

speaking of running
its park run tomorrow
woo yeah!!! I am pumped for that!
i wanna go! i wanna run!
well looking forward to it
not bothered about my time, place or anything
just want to run and take over at least 1 person XD makes me feel better
and usually i over take A LOT of people
so thats tomorrow
after park run Im not sure what im doing but i might do some sewing

Thought i'd take a photo of the sole Naruko I got in the post yesterday
and what I have been refunded for as well
might have a go with it tonight

I have since ordered another pair, identical to this one

Had enough and 1 Naruko

Evening

I went ti bed at around 9:30pm
by 1:15am I had already had a nightmare
I was awake but so convinced I could see what was happening in my room
that i dived for my kindle to illuminate the room
I was scared like a child that something was gonna walk right into my room
which is why i woke up as I believed it was that close to entering
gonna lose my mind at this rate

I felt a little bit better today
but im still rough in both body and voice
I wasnt sure how to pass my day in all honesty
so I did a bit of drawing in the morning but im struggling to get into it
as all i keep thinking is "it will be crap anyway" its hard to work
when thats the mindset
I did a bit of dancing but wasnt feeling 100% for it

the afternoon came and as i just finished my lunch the post come
my lace for the jacket i want to make came
and also my Naruko
only 1 Naruko came tho....I ordered 2....So the excitement soon fizzled
I got up and went to sew as it was something to do and keep my brain occupied
the door goes again
its adam
i didnt invite him over he chose to come over after work
why
i wasnt in the mood and i didnt want company
i know i was probably really hard work to him too
he said "lets go out for ice cream"
i said "more like i will drive and take YOU out for ice cream"
i didnt want to go out, i didnt want to drive, i didnt want to talk
not his fault. its mine.

we went for ice cream which i barely tasted due to my cold
but it was nice on my throat i guess
we went round 2 charity shops then i drove to his house
i was happy to pull away there and then but instead of looking like a jerk
i went inside for a brew
i was not in the mood to talk to his dad, to see football on, and to play happy families
i just didnt want it
so i stayed almost 2 hours and went home

did some sewing
then i had yoga which was bloody hard work
karen went mental on us and i had little energy to start with
i was getting to the point where id had enough and wanted to come away
not going to be walking tomorrow put it that way

tomorrow i have work
and im grateful to have work
i just dont like tomorrow's teacher all that much her voice grates on me
and i know im gonna be bored out my wits

about it
feel like i nothing but moan lately
but im not happy
i havent been happy for a long time
i dont even know what would make me happy
i feel like im not capable of feeling happy emotions
im not feeling any emotions to be honest
im like numb to the world and its making me sadder and sadder inside
im getting to the point where i know i should be caring but im finding it hard to care
about life. feel i could quite easily sleep the next few weeks away
in hope that when i wake up i will be feeling more like a normal person
but who am i kidding.
fed up
and not sure what it is i need to do to make this feeling go away
sleep
sleep for a long time
sleep the pain away
sleep the hurt away
had enough

Want a Happi Coat or Yukata

Evening~~

I slept pretty alright
I do enjoy night and day cold and flu tablets as the night times do help with sleep
I woke up at 7:30am tho >.> 

I felt worse than what I did yesterday
honestly I can't believe how much worse I am today than yesterday
i sound like Ive been smoking a 1000 fags all day
I wasn't impressed

I didn't do much in the morning 
I did go to a few shops with mum just to get out 
I personally didnt get anything 
we came back and I went on my laptop
but I wasn't feeling good so I was back in bed for 11am -______-
I got up and had lunch
adam wanted to know if he could see me 
but i couldnt be bothered to
speak
entertain
drive
have company
just basically wanted to be left to myself
he said he'd like to see me tomorrow
i said "yeah i'll see how i feel"

all afternoon I didnt do much
and not doing any exercise since sunday was getting to me
i felt like a tiger in a cage
i was getting a mental barrage full of
how much id eaten
how fat i was
how bored and fed i was
mum said it was probably best i rest and not got for a run
i went for a 15minute run
felt better for it
nakerd and aching afterwards but a bit mentally better

so it feels like a waste of life today
but at least i didnt have to miss work or anything

i brought a pair of second hand converse online for £20.29
been "worn once" apparently but i think theyve been worn more than that
still theyre in better condition than mine as mine hurt my feet now
hopefully they will arrive when someone is home! 
ordered a pair of shorts id been wanting for months which were always £11 i got them for £5
well happy about that one
i was looking at Happi Coats and Yukatas as Id love to dance in one when I start doing
Yasokoi dances but they came up for at least £12 and its a lot to pay when im only gonna dance for fun in one, so maybe one day, when i get my Naruko in the post and start dancing i shall see
i do keep practising my Idol dancing and im thinking of recording outside too

tomorrow i have yoga and thats the only thing i have going off in the day

Battled my cold and made it to school

Konbanwa~~~

I was in bed for 8:15pm ><
I really felt unwell
took me til gone 10pm to get off to sleep tho
you know what with sheer amount of nose blowing and all that business

I was expecting to feel like utter crap
but I luckily I didnt feel as bad as yesterday ^^
So I was able to go to school :D

School was dull
it was a repeat of yesterday
maths til 10:30am then english rest of the day
such a kill a joy
for the last part of the day the head master took the class
and ive worked with him before
hes fine just like a normal teacher none of that frosty powerful almighty head teacher aura 
I got the day done anyway
I was glad I did the day~
I had other staff asking me if Id applied to the school for the TA role
they must like me to say that otherwise they wouldnt say anything
not that i have very high hopes that i will get the job
it just does my confidence good knowing people think highly of me

I got home and felt like collapsing on my bed
i didnt tho but i only sat round really didnt do a lot
i was too tired and feeling a bit crappy still
my voice isnt right and i keep having to sit by a tissue box

tomorrow i SHOULD have been having a blood test
but im to wait for a form in the post to say what it is i need to be tested for
that form hasnt come 
therefor i cant be tested
so ive made another appointment for next wednesday
it means waiting yet more time for medication but not a lot i can do there
kinda glad cus i cant face going when im feeling so crappy
also i wouldnt want my results to be dodgy cus ive got a virus
if i had to go for a second repeat blood test i would not be impressed
so im off the hook tomorrow!

not sure what i am doing tomorrow tho
need some more converse as mine are hurting my feet
so ive been looking online for some