Kimono Quilt Idea + new PB

Konbanwa Minna-san~~

Ahhhh tsukareta~
I didn't sleep well
woke up at 2:30am then from there me and my thoughts spent some quality time together til around 4:30am then I fell asleep and woke up at 6am been awake ever since
dont know why I bother setting an alarm I never sodding need it!
I got up and had a mad dash round getting stuff done, mainly making sure my pets were outside for an hour before i left, they werent impressed being on the dewy grass but tough luck girls
i cleaned them out and took them home before i left gave them a salad
Oz wiped his soily paws down my t-shirt, thanks Oz just as I was leaving the house

I got to Adam's house for 7:55am
I chose not to wake adam as i could tell last time he didnt approve of it XD
we left for a new park run for me
it was quite warm to say the least and zero shade like completely in the open
i felt shattered and wanted to be in a cool bed somewhere XD

I made my journey round, it was next to a canal and river so it was really scenic 
i liked it, it was flat too thank god
but i started to feel sick, and i dont usually feel sick whilst running
but i think it was the heat, so i was sensible and didnt push myself as ive got the whole day to get through yet i dont want to be feeling like death all day
i passed the finish which was a hard ask if im honest
id had enough but had adams parents to wait for before i could go to the car where shade and my drink was, i was dying to get out the sun
they were a good 10-15mins behind me
adams dad seemed to feel id done a good time but i said i hadnt 
i hadnt pushed myself so i didnt think id done a good time
id just got myself round the 5K
we set off for adams house

I stopped for a brew to get some energy
and to say hello to adam 
he said the trainers had come today
he wanted me to open them as id walked through the door!
i told him to give me a minute and let me have a brew
but in all honesty i didnt want to open them
why would i?
a gift from my boyfriend i couldnt have cus they were being returned
salt in the wound much?
he left me to grab a shower before work
he didnt even say bye so i felt he was off and quiet with me today
i felt id done something maybe
i went home

and i was saying to adams parents that my brother is always in the shower
when i come in from park run
and behold he was! my car needed a wash so i thought id do it whilst I was waiting
god how much did I get done before noon XD
then i went for a shower much needed at that, got out the shower it was 11:45am

I relaxed a bit cus lets face it id earned a sit down!
but i dont enjoy sitting 
so i did something productive with my sitting
last night, in the middle of the night rather, i came up with an idea of something i wish to make, something i can work on for a while cus it will take a while
currently i have an anime style quilt hung up on my wall which i made
ive been thinking of putting a fresh one up since the start of the year
and was originally doing a rabbit quilt design but could never settle or like a design
one came to me last night tho, a kimono design!!

so I spent well over an hour looking for a kimono quilting block to use
and whilst i could see on google that people had made a kimono quilt, the design remained illusive and i was coming to my wits end til i found one on Etsy it was £3.70
i was so hoping NOT to pay for a design when i know so many are free 
but i was coming up with zilch so I paid for the design - never brought from Etsy before
and got my template i then spent the afternoon going through fabric scraps to play with and what could be used for my quilt, here is my practice run using scraps

Not bad, its not neat as i had re-learn the art of paper-piecing 
but i know what to do for next time kinda thing 
so i think im gonna have to make quite a few of these for the design i want 
then im gonna put the t-shirt my brother brought me from japan in the centre of the quilt
as its got a geisha on it :D i wanted to do something special with it instead of wearing it and watching it come to the end of it's life cycle. so its remained in a wardrobe with fabric waiting for an idea
might need fabric tho /: yet more fabric XD

I did a bit of dancing but soon tired out 
i recorded one tho, even after doing 5k Im recording dances XD
i got quite a few nice comments for Howling I put up yesterday which was nice to see
as sometimes im tempted to give in dance videos

i ate pumpkin soup alone then mum rang to check up on me
she doesnt usually but i think she's been worrying over me
me and my mentalness
shes back tomorrow :)

might tidy up ether tonight or tomorrow
depends what i want to do with myself 

tomorrow its suppose to be 30c+
so god knows what we'll do cus i dont work well in those temperatures 
makes life feel like an even bigger chore

Enjoying two new songs today
Predia - Curtain Call
OnePixcel - Sparkle
Woo :)

I kicked things off + Buddist Meditation

Evening~~~

Things went to crap last night
seriously i messed up
i upset my mum
it all kicked off big style
i even had a word said by my dad
"remember the Bambi movie, 'if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all'"
i had a panic attack
i cried tonnes
my mum was still not speaking to me by the morning

I got up and went for a run
ended up seeing mia's mum taking todd for his morning walk
i came back and found mum had also gone for a run
dad said "it was to clear her head, you did a number on her last night"
i later on got a lecture from dad
"you're not helping yourself, make a list and take it to the psychologist, nothing will change unless you want it to change and your not doing that, everything is done on your terms, make sure you make up with your mum, if shes not happy whilst were away i wont be happy and then we have some real stuff to discuss"
yep i was in deep crap, but whilst he gave me the lecture i wanted to burn cities down
i get thats his way of venting as it certainly didnt help any
and how dare he say im not trying to help myself
but i didnt bite i just took it

i stayed out of mums way until i saw her and she said
"is this how its gonna be between us?"
i knew she was hurt
all of it was making me feel like crap
i cant tell you last night how much i wanted to end my life
i thought of so many ways and when to do it
i was hitting despair 
ive met despair before, its no stranger 
i told her "i will sort it but ive got psychology to go to now"

at 9:30am i was in that depressing building 
i banged my ipod on and watched dances id transferred on to my ipod
bob called me through
i thought "here we go"
i told him the crap situation i was in right now and what happened and whats been going on and we talked about stuff as we do
he summed up a feeling i didnt have to say but he got right
i feel a disappointment 
i really do
why would anyone want a daughter like me?
i feel a failure 
he told me i always see myself as being in the wrong, i need to have more confidence in myself and what i can do, i have a right to be happy and to try and enjoy life.
all stuff im struggling to do really
cus i did know that stuff
but i couldnt believe hed worked out i felt i was a disappointment 
i felt a lil better about the session and he said he was gonna have a summary ready for our next session like how many sessions id had, what we'd covered and how many more sessions i might need. i really dont want discharging tho
not ready to be alone with it all

i came home and knew i had to sort it out with mum
and we did
i told her how i feel and she told me how she'd felt last night
and that shes finding it hard and she said that dad could have quite easily yelled at me but he chose not to as he can see im in a difficult place now - total shock
1. he could see im in a bad place
2. it made him not shout at me
twilight zone much
we made up and i said how much i hate myself at times and how i dont want to live at times
but that id be fine whilst she goes away
and off they went, gone up Skegness way

i didnt get much time to myself
as i went to set off for the Buddist Meditation I said i'd attend
i got there fine, the building was amazing real old British 
i was met by a woman who took my name and my money
and another woman who was coming to the session told me about it and put me at ease
we had to sit on chairs in this room which was very nice the alter for the budda statue was something else man, i was impressed
but the service i wasnt impressed by
the guy doing it banged on about this and that, then i think we only did 10 or 15mins max meditation time and the service is an hour, he then banged on about their topic of the day 'kindness' ah id started thinking of other things i got bored.
i enjoyed the actual meditation there just should have been more of it
but now i know how to do it i can maybe practice at home
i came home

i started making Pumpkin soup with the pumpkin adam's dad gave me
made me feel like it was halloween
then i sat down to have soup
i read for an hour
yes i sat still for a whole hour

my brother popped home with a bmx mate i havent met
swear theres a different one each time
i said hello and stuff 
they went out and danced then later my brother phoned 
we were deciding on pizza tonight
i was talking about having a slice of my brothers
i could hear his mate in the background "she can have a slice of mine. she can have some of my crumpet" i dont know what it means to be offered some of someones crumpet but im gonna take a guess and say i dont want to know
i asked my brother what his mate was going on about he just laughed

so he's coming home shortly and bringing a 12" pizza im robbing a slice and that will do me i think cus im not fussed lately about food

im glad ive made up with mum before she went
im just at my wits end with everything
this is how it is spiralling out of control

tomorrow im up early as ive got girls to clean out
and then going to adams for 8am so i can go park run with his parents
after that i'll come home and i would like to wash my car its filthy 
after that im not sure, got painting to do which i still havent started

New trainers take 2

Evening

My brother is home!!
He got back home around 1:30am this morning
I couldnt sleep, my head was driving my crazy and my shoulder ached and i felt sick
oh my shoulder
last night after id finished up my diary and such i decided to dance as I had 
the house to myself
i was fine dancing i had no issue then all of a sudden moving my arm 
i felt something literally rip, not a crack but a tear
it hurt and felt rather gross
i did my best to dance through it not wanting to give up
but last 3 days that shoulder has been cracking and that joint doesnt usually crack
so i felt something was out of alignment and that confirmed it
and laying in bed last night i hurt, a lot
I didnt drop off to sleep til nearly 1:30am 
i had to go downstairs for pain killers and sickness tablet

this morning i woke up at 8:30am
i could hear my brother's voice so i went to see him
found him eating maryland biscuits and had a brew
he looked happy to be home X3
we caught up a little bit but in all honesty i havent seen him since this morning
i got ready to go to the city centre
i didnt rush myself as i wanted to see my brother but also i was seeing adam
and i wasnt sure what time he would finish and meet me in the city centre 

i got into the city centre for 10:45am
I headed for charity shops then I thought id get the sports shop job done
i hate going in sport shops 
i went for the brand of trainer adam's dad suggested to me yesterday and its the same make as his mum's and they were the ones i did try on yesterday
so I found the brand in shop and tried on a pair that fit really well so i got those
struggled for joggers with zip pockets tho, they dont exist in the womans section
men and children have zip pockets woman have open pockets
very annoying
i went round a couple more shops til i checked my phone
6 missed calls from adam
woops
he'd finished work early and wanted to know where to meet me

we met up and i passed adam my bags to relieve
my aching shoulder as the pain was travelling down my arm
he saw a shoe box in my bag and said
"ah Jo I should have said, ive brought you some shoes"
i burst "what!? why!? and why didnt you say, you knew I was shoe shopping today, I dont need you to do that for me, i can take care of myself"
he said "i thought it would have been a nice thing"
I said "it would if you had told me, and also dont spend that much"
at £50 for a pair of shoes id dropped through the floor
the ones I brought were £33 and thats enough!!
so he's now got to return a pair of unwanted shoes and theyre also the wrong size i thought i needed a 7 half but turns out a 7 is big enough

im giving these shoes ago after the last ones i brought 
sucked, gave me blisters and aching joints
these feel much better already

went for lunch after all that
we went in a cafe that we've been to before and now shutting down
the food was utter crap im guessing cus theyre struggling and shutting down
i had plastic knife and fork
i had beans on toast and i have never come across such gross beans and bread
awful
so i barely ate
i didnt feel bad cus id paid for lunch

we came home and we sat and chatted and cuddled on the sofa 
we had the place to ourselves so i was more relaxed at home as usually i feel monitored 
then mum came home and we talked but i could tell she was in a mood for no reason
she said she was tired
we all frigging wore after last night keeping half awake to see if we could hear my brother coming home or not
then i walked back into the room after taking Oz home to hear mum say
"theyre gay"
i said jokingly "whats gay?"
she said "oh nothing"
no one would say anything
she eventually left the room and i turned to adam "what was gay?"
and he showed me on his phone, it was the shoes hed brought me
mum had called them gay
i thought 'thats not on'
so i chased that up
mum apparently thought adam was joking when he said he'd brought them for me

sick the atmosphere there is when i bring friends over tho
like im not suppose to
and it feels like no one likes adam and how does the reflect on me?
difficult family
im more myself at his and im welcomed into his home
adam isnt welcomed here
so i feel bad
then i feel bad about always being at his house 
but i hate being home here with friends 
it hurt adam what she said i know it did i saw it and he told me

we left  mother and went to his house
we played crash and got the final section done but not the  boss
id had enough playing on it for a bit
we talked and cuddled on his bed i talked about my family
why cant they be more open, accepting and more happy
its so oppressive round here
i tried talking about it with mum tonight but shes not bothered

i came home and got ready for yoga
we had sophie again as karen is having trouble recovering from her op
yoga was alright
typically it was shoulder work, yippee for me
it hurt a lot but i got through it as im made of tough stuff

tomorrow
got a few bits on
9:30 psychology
10:30am my parents leave for another weekend break
12:30 an hour meditation at a buddist place (giving it ago)
then in the afternoon i may see mia
maybe wash my car, maybe paint

me today~

Went to the farm

Evening~

I keep waking so damn early -_____-
im tired cus of that and cus of my medication
so tired

So my morning took a lot of effort
i had worn these new shoes on a walk with adam yesterday
the same shoes that gave me blisters the other week
and i could tell yesterday they were making my feet walk on the inside arches
this morning my god the joints in my knee caps hurt!
to walk up and downstairs hurt!!!
so i decided that a run was out the question 
I cleaned my pets out and then did some dancing really
didnt do a lot of dancing as i was just shattered 

me and mum went to the farm to go check out volunteering
its a very small farm and theres next to no where to park round there
we spoke to a woman about volunteering there
she says theres always work there and to fill out a form and ring some guy up
i could pick and area id want to work but there would be no guarantee that id get that area
seemed ok but most im willing to do is a morning a week so far as it doesnt look
overly exciting and im worried about how my germ thing is gonna work
cus walking away from there made me want to wash my hands and i didnt touch anything

we came home and i went to bed
sod it
i was that drained of life i had to sleep
i woke up to find the hair dresser was here early for mum
i struggled to get any lunch cus they take up the whole god damn kitchen
what more was that she always blocks my car in
always
so shes there dying my mums hair and i cant get out
she said "take my keys move it" no way freakin way
shes got a brand new car like this year new 
i wasnt touching that
so i waited
and i waited
45mins in total i waited until luckily my dad came home and moved
my mums car off the drive way so i could get round the hairdressers car
he had ago at me of course he did, a day doesnt go by he has to have a go at me
but if it makes his day better so be it
i got to adams in such a mood
dangerous mood id say
i was prepared to rip heads off i literally was
i could feel my blood boiling 
i told him i was annoyed but i was so annoyed i didnt want to speak
he cuddled me on his bed and after a bit of time passed i could release the mood
and it did pass eventually and i could tell him what got me in such a state
stupid isnt it
in the grand scheme of things what had happened wasnt very big at all but thats the way
my mentalness takes me sometimes, no logic in it

we had a brew and we talked trainers with his dad as he dad used to run loads 
when he was younger and he still runs now just nothing like he used to
so he was educating me on trainers 
then we went to play crash bandicoot we got another section done and i did 2 levels!
i didnt want to come home really

my brother comes home tonight!
i probably wont see him by time he gets in as hes a bit late getting in
and his plane was delayed by an hour
so i will see him tomorrow
or unless he makes loads of noise coming in i might get up

tomorrow
im unsure as of yet what to do tomorrow 
not sure if i will run yet im hoping so and i think ive got yoga if karen is back
she technically should be back now
im thinking of maybe going city centre too cus i need joggers and trainers for running
not ideal shopping but im struggling now

not sure what to do tonight
whether to run or dance or paint  

Few things to try

Evening

Once again Im different again today
I differ within the day and differ day to day
its exhausting 
but i suppose i aught to be grateful that im a bit better today
not perfect but things have been better

I woke up at 7am and knew I couldnt go for a run
as I had karen this morning
so I sat and drew a design on one canvas and i did a few bits round the house
then I set off for Karen's house

It was good to see her
she wanted to know all thats going on with me and i felt i had to tell her
i didnt really want to talk about it as i hate talking about me and my illnesses
she was sad that i didnt have more positive news to tell her
we talked about various things and then I set off for home
saw mum for half hour whilst i ate lunch then she set off for karens
funny how we both had an appt the same day XD

i decided that i would go pick adam up from work
i wasnt doing much else and it would mean me being by myself for a while
so thats what i did i wasnt in the house long after id been karens
i met adam and he was happy id come to pick him up
he smelt like a chip as he'd been working on the snack bar
i took him straight home so he could shower it off

we sat and had a brew but i noticed adam wasnt that talkative 
then we said we'd  pop out to the shops cus adam needed some bits
im always taxi you know
i think he no longer wants to drive, well i get that impression
wish he'd never told me that he'd do his driving test
feel its let me down
so anyway we went round shops then i thought about going back to his but i could not face going back there, sitting on the sofa with his dad watching Tour de France
i cant bare any more time of that
so i took us to my house

we sat and had a drink then went for a walk i let adam play pokemon go
just cus i thought it might cheer him up and it did
he barely spoke when me and mum were talking
he's not big on joining in conversations but it was like even more so today
im always doing the talking for us both 

then i took him home after our walk really
then i sat round reading before dinner
i was hungry but id only eaten a bowl of cereal all day and some biscuits
not a fan of food lately and my brain keeps telling me i weigh 10x what i do
its getting drilled in nicely how fat i am

then tonight i was just talking to mum on her bed
i told her that id researched the buddist Temple her friend told me to look at 
theres an afternoon drop in friday afternoon im thinking of attending to 
she told me to give it a go
and karen had said to both me and mum that i should try volunteering down
at Stone Bridge City Farm
its a city farm and its free and run by volunteers most of which have some form of disability and or mental illness and i could choose where i help out and when
so i believe me and mum are gonna try get down there tomorrow and ask out
ive been before when i was really sick, mum would take me there to get me out the house not that i was well enough to volunteer back then, but at least i know what the place looks like

so i feel i have a couple things to try, its more than what ive had up to now

tomorrow im going to the farm in the morning then i hope to see adam in the afternoon
not sure what i will do exercise wise 
if i wake up early enough i will run if not i will dance whilst my mum pops out shopping
we shall see, ive missed it today but glad i at least did a walk 

my nails this week, tried a bubble effect using acrylic paint

Things just arent good

I've had a crummy day
just dont even want to write it up
really wanted to self harm and die today
its not me i know its not
but im really not happy with life
and unsure of what would make me happy
and unsure of what i need to do to make myself happy
once again its put on me to fix things, theres never any help out there
its finding the strength to keep going
i know im a burden to everyone around me
if i dwell on it i do just want to top myself
im fed up of this boring existence
life doesnt seem worth participating in
what can i do to change that view?
what can i do to be happy?
what can do to not have mental health issues?
fed up

Meeting Adam's Family

Evening~~

Yup just as I figured I didnt get any time to update yesterday!

So yesterday
I was awake from 5am and didnt sleep til 2am this morning
long day or what!
So from 5am I kinda tried to dose til I knew I had to get up for park run 
I was up at 7am, had breakfast, did 15mins of yoga, cleaned girls out
was out the house for 8:20am
Park run was hooooootttttt very hot
I was a puddle at the end of it, very pink faced and I usually dont get that hot
I did 30:45 which isnt a PB but still good considering the damn heat
mum did 39mins which was a PB for her!

We came back and showered and I got stuff ready for the evening so I wouldnt
have too much to come back and do later
my stomach felt majorly off like it was rotting from the inside out
i put it down to medication 
After lunch I went to adams
I did his mum's nails and we played crash I did 3 whole levels! i was on it!
cant remember much else we did, i know he wanted to go for ice cream but i didnt want to
id had cake that morning so i was alright on the sugar front XD


I came home to get ready

didnt take me too long and i was able to see Oz and have a little time to myself 
i think i looked alright, i felt kinda comfortable and besides it was so damn hot
that i would have sweated buckets if i had covered up
so i had on a dress that was just on my knee caps, no tights (yes my bare legs!) and nothing on my arms (yes bare arms too!)
i said my goodbyes to mum and Oz and went to adams

he answered the door not at all ready nether was his dad
surprise surprise there we were leaving in 20mins
whats he been doing that last 2 hours!?
adams dad was like "alright Jo? oh shes got legs!"
i dont show flesh i really dont, adam ran his hands down my arms from my shoulders to my hands
i said "dont pay attention otherwise my armour goes straight back on! jumper and joggers!!"
he laughed and said his mum was getting ready
she looked really nice in her dress and i cant remember the last time i saw her with make up on ether actually, so it was nice for me to see how different she can look
we set off for the city centre once the boys decided that they too needed to change

we got to the casino, i could see the actual casino through 2 doors, we walked up to the desk requesting the party floor. and all we got was
"have you got any ID?"
my heart fell to the floor
my ID was in my purse and adams house...
i said "you are joking me"
he said "sorry its 'Challenge 21'" 
Adams dad was killing himself
i said "im 26!" 
makes no odds once the challenge is in effect, if i dont provide ID i dont get in
im sure i look 21
and besides youve only got to be 18 to get into a casino, im 8 years over that!!!
it was crazy
so they rang for the manager
the manager came and said he''d call for adams aunt whos party it was (and casino regular)
so there I was anxiously waiting for a woman to come down stairs who has never met before and got to vouch for my age for me or I had to go home and get my ID
she came down and wasnt phased in the slightest and said to let us all in
so i was through the doors

the venue was a function room above the casino floor
not a swanky place as one may think
but certainly loud
jesus was it loud, im not used to that noise level and i work in schools 
adams dad got us a table, near a speaker i might add
i couldnt hear a damn thing anyone said
and i was expected to make conversation with relatives i had no idea who they were, i was introduced but theres tonnes! and i cant remember everyone or bothered really
found out that a relative of adams mum's who is 20 wasnt ID''d at the door -___-
adams dad was in hysterics 

i spoke to some people and my personality soon came strongly across them
i thought "dont give a crap i'll never meet them again"
no one took me the wrong way and i made plenty laugh
there was one relative who was like 40 something
absolutely amazing woman she was crazy like child like crazy and on my level
its RARE i find a kindred spirit, we childlike spirits are far and few between
so i danced with her but she took a liking to me and wouldnt leave me
it was like a play date but it was nice to have fun with people

so i met with the aunt who's birthday it was she sat and told us
"ive got musical chairs, musical statues, and pass the parcel"
i shouted "really!?" she said "thats the reaction i wanted!" 
she said "we never got parties as children so at 50 i wanted a children's party"
i thought 'fair enough and its my level this'
then she said "ive booked a drag queen too"
i couldnt swallow, we're getting a tranny in?
ive never been in the presence of a man dressed as a woman before

so anyway we were dancing and adam and his family went to the buffet
i had 5 biscuits from it as there was nothing there i would eat 
so i left it all and went without but i havent really wanted food lately
then the DJ announced the drag queen 
and there he/she was on stage
incredibly strange at first
cus theres a bloke with more make up on than ive ever worn at one time
and showing more skin than ive ever done in my life
he was in a long white wavy wig, leopard print dress which was skin tight with a slit all the way to the hips on the front of one leg, cream stiletto heels 
he sang 3 songs (not all at once) and was quite open with sexual stuff
not my kinda thing but live and let live
he kinda did all the games

the games
we had musical statues first me and adams mum got up and played
there was about 20 of us and adam's mum won!
then it pass the parcel and i stood next to adams mum and the music went off and i passed it to her as we were in mid-pass so i let her have it. 
glad i did...
kinky handcuffs fell out...
we were both laughing 
adam and his dad were killing themselves
the music went on and in the end i got the ending prize, bottle of vodka! which ive put on my brother's desk for when he comes home
then musical chairs
after about 4 or 5 chairs were removed i removed myself from the game
as children you weigh less and arent as heavy and strong
as adults, fully grown, over weight and drinking, its crippling
i didnt want to break anything as it was getting to phyical
and i hated being next to so many drunk people 

then we stayed a little longer til we decided to come away
we got back to adams house at 11:30pm 
i was wired 
no way was i about to sleep
but if i had my total wish it was going home, showering, my own bed
but instead i had to not shower, stay at adams
so i got ready for bed and crawled up in to a ball
after adam had finished with his phone messing he came to me
but he stunk of that casino, he was sweaty and dirty and didnt want him near me
i pushed him away and stuff and i think he got the hint
i sat there dwelling on a 100 thoughts and he fell to sleep
i grabbed my pillow and grabbed a blanket and went to sleep downstairs 
on the sofa, alone. not with my boyfriend
i couldnt sleep there, no room and my thoughts were annoying me
it was gone 2am by time i had fallen asleep and id been awake since 5am

i woke up at 6:30am this morning
safe to say i was shattered
i waited til 7:30am til adams dad came downstairs then i went upstairs and started to get dressed whilst adam was asleep
i came down and drank the brew his dad had made me
then i went up to adam he was half awake and i told him i was going home for breakfast and a shower he said i could have it all here but i needed to go home nothing would have been right for me
he went to cuddle me and i bared it for a lil while but in the end i got up and left cus i didnt like the feel of any of it or the smell

i have to embarrassingly admit ive had another 'issue' going off for the last week
im being tuned into germs, smells, dirt
i suppose its all on the same obsessive spectrum as weight and stuff cus me and food has been bad as well, but im struggling with germs
im showering a lot, washing my hands, the way my skin feels, what my skin touches, what my hands have to touch, what i smell like, other bad smells not wanting to be near them.
seems crazy but struggling
and i told adam about it today as i kept pushing him away as i didnt like the feel of his face on mine, the way his smell would make me smell of him (something i used to like) cus it all looked to him like i didnt want him and that i was pushing HIM away and not the other things that were actually bothering me, i feel so messed up.

i came home and showered straight away and sorted my stuff out and had breakfast, left over cake and sat talking to my mum about everything id been through
then i laid on her bed with bad stomach ache and exhaustion 
i went back to adams for 12 as he wanted to take me out for lunch, i didnt want to do this but knew i have to give in to his wants sometimes
we walked up to a cafe and had to wait over 30mins for food when they werent that busy
i ordered pizza cus i didnt want anything and adam said he'd help eat anything i couldnt eat
food came and i ate 2 slices and didnt want anymore or shall i say
i would have eaten the whole damn thing it was that freaking good
by anorexic thoughts told me to stop eating and adam asked me to eat another slice
but i found it a real hard ask as my brain was saying not to 
i did tho i did eat it
and only me had to deal with the ear ache my brain provides 
we left for home

we talked about stuff on his bed 
i told him about germs, dirt and food 
and i told him i feel worried about the day he loses patience with me as i keep pushing him away and one day he will get mad at me and ill be scared. he told me that he wont lose patience with me that he loves me too much for that to happen and if he ever happens to get mad that he'll talk it out instead of getting horrible about it all. 
he said to me about my weight that im fine and gorgeous and that i expect a lot of myself.
he said try to look at smaller things in your day what youve achieved not going for massive things and trying to be the best all the time. 
something in my head just snapped
that was the same crap that the M.E. clinic fed me when i was 18 and i had to attend those horrid sessions to learn to cope with my condition. 
"its about pacing, doing things in small chunks not trying to go at 100mph"
i felt sick, everything from that time period came flooding back
i started to cry
thoughts came to me like
"where have i been all these years?"
"how did i get through that?"
"why was i put through it all?"
"why did i become sick?"
all i wanted was mum because mum understood it all
i just wanted to cry to mum 
but instead i was with adam who wasnt around during that period
he asked what was up
but i couldnt bare to say as i knew id be a blubbering mess
as it all felt so messy in my head and i could deep down somewhere was hurting

after all that passed we went out with him mum to mini golf
out in the open 28c heat no shade
i was sweating but enjoyed it
and had a drink afterwards then we went home
i sat at his for a lil while then went home
and since havent done much but caught up online and showered
again

tomorrow im going to dance in the morning
then ether make pumpkin soup with the pumpkin adams dad gave me today or if we dont have ingredients i shall do some more job patrolling 
dancing i might record one or atleast improve a couple