Evening~~
My first words this morning were
"bloody karen"
god i hurt!!! shes mental that teacher!
It luckily didn't take me til the AM hours to fall asleep
adam had given me his shirt to sleep with too :)
made me want him tho cus it really had his scent strongly on it
and it aint no substitute damn it XD
I woke up at 7:45am
I got ready to go to the city centre with mummy
think we were out the house for 9:30
we did well actually
We mooched round the city and didnt go in loads of shops
but we managed to get a load of stuff from Debenams
honestly like brought 3 bags full
they had sales on and everything we brought was in the sales
its great when things are reduced to like £5 and they last from debenams as well
so I got 2 t-shirts, a t-shirt dress and a skirt :)
mum got a fair bit and she was pleased with her findings
cus we spent so much there the lady at the check out gave us a 20% off
voucher at the restaurant there so we decided to go there for lunch
i had soup mum had salad and we shared a cake
then we went home really
we were back home for 1pm
so wasnt too bad really
I put clothes away and tidied up other stuff
then i went to make another patchwork square and i got another one done, quicker this time so now i have 2 squares using both background colours and i like how well they go together
Theyre so neat too! I'm glad I havent lost my neatness, I do have qualifications in patchwork afterall and i was one of the neatest in class ^^ glad i can still do it~
think I probably have between 20 and 30 to do in total + a border
so theres a lot of work to do~
after that i went on my laptop but not long as lets face it, its boring!
so I decided at 5pm I would do some dancing in this stupidly humid weather
danced for 20 mins as it was enough and i was dripping
then I showered and did some cross stitching
Ed had texted me yesterday asking if id like to meet up during his summer vacation which is this month, I told him id love to see him and he asked he could sleep over as he used to sleep over but i dont want him to, i cant be dealing with that right now and also I have adam now and it doesnt feel appropriate, even tho we wouldnt be sharing a bed or anything just the whole thing doesnt sit well with me so i told him it would be a day trip
we'll see anyway, may not happen yet
hopefully seeing tara next week on 7th
maybe a games night with mia rob and adam on 11th
and ed on 15th
so i may have a few nice things to look forward to
tomorrow i've got park run in 18c heat which isnt too bad but bad enough
going with mum to the usual one, just get it done
i feel i have more energy and i dont ache as much but i can tell im not
totally alone in my head again
things have woken up ive found it quite hard to stop myself from being snappy and having a temper on me today but i cant bare to announce that im no longer alone
not ready to admit it yet
wish i knew others with split personality
Evening~~
I slept a lil better last night
I had sat and watched episode 3 of Picnic at Hanging Rock
with my parents, its set in Australia and that place looks so different yet familiar to this country but the outback looks scary man such a strange place. I have no idea where the series will go but im still watching it, I like the head mistress she kicks ass man
If I ever became a teacher id be like her XD
Im always impressed by those who manage to command respect but have gained it through words, what they say, intellect and mannerisms not just brute force and yelling
anyway today i woke up at 7:30am as usual for me
i didnt go for a run and felt a lil out of it
i decided id dance so by 9:30am i was in dance gear
I went though a few dances and I started Beat Generation
hard man, did up to 30 seconds but i have a lot to improve on those 30 seconds but i know it will come with practice, im one the tricky bit next. Its insane the next bit -____-
I went for a shower
I then started sewing fabric to make my kimono patchwork blocks
i can surely say i have made just 1 today and its much neater than my practice too
I made such a mess that expanded from my room to the landing
i was impressed with myself ^^
I made myself salad for lunch
its been so hot lately i feel ive got through no end of salad XD
it was touching 30c today and awful humidity
sweat over the littlest of things
adam turned up from work
i say turned up as i wasnt actually sure if he was gonna come over or not
he never said!
my room was a tip (not that we spend any time in my room)
i had slacks on which were covered in Oz's fur
and my hair was messy
apart from that i was great XD
in all honesty i dont care, hes seen me in worse a state than that
but i was glad i got one patchwork finished so i showed him my mess as i like to show someone the mess i make, i usually show mum as she HATES mess
i cleared up in 5mins cus im a pro at tiding
adam had given me one of his shirts to sleep with as i havent been sleeping i thought it was thoughtful of him so i put it on my bed for later, whilst he was in my room i showed him Beat Generation video on my laptop and he just said "good luck" XD
we had a brew and went for a hot walk
i havent been able to sit still all day
my energy seems to out of whack it goes high and low today
my pain is a lot better too
strange
oh and i spoke to the psychiatrist finally and told him i wasnt taking the antipsychotic medication anymore and he was fine with it and told me to still come to the appt i have with him
i dont want to lose his help
adam told me off a couple of times on the walk saying i walk too fast
but it cant be helped he was slow cus he was playing pokemon go
we had drinks when we came in then i went to his house
found it dull tho as i was only there and hour and a half and i feel he spent most of that talking to his dad about football and doing a hammering job for his dad but i kept myself busy doing yoga and eating oreos and then strawberries X3
i left for home as i had yoga with the ever lovely karen
shes crazy
like literally can tell when shes back
no one works you like she does
like bootcamp
id had enough but got through it some how
and it was boiling in there
a room with 13 people 1 window no air con
everyone was dripping
so ive danced today, walked and done yoga
and im not tired
whereas at the start of this week i was barely getting through the day
i think the thing in my head must be waking but who knows
i can feel it tho
so ive had my leftover pasta for dinner now 2nd shower of the day
tomorrow i am going into the city centre with mum
shes got a 'list' im yet to see this list and im sure we''ll get through it
hope its not gonna be boiling tho
i dont need anything im just going to spend time with mummy
Evening~~~
So last night I went to the arcades at a bowling allay
We went for dinner first I was in a bit of a huff about it all
as im not always a fan of eating out
we went to Frankie and Bennies and I had chicken with pasta with chips
odd combo and i wanted to see what it was like
wasnt expecting to see it on the menu but anyway
adam had fish and chips
his fish was over done
my chips were stone cold my pasta verging cold and chicken luke warm
but for how long it took to get any service i couldnt be arsed to send it back
i kinda just wanted to get out the joint
adam paid
We went over to the bowling allay
we started on pool, adam completely thrashed me on the first game
i thought "let him get it out his system"
second game came and he went about it all the same
so i waved jumping up and down on the other end of the table saying
"hey I do exist!!"
he didnt get me so I told him "this isnt life and death you know, have fun, its not a competition i just want to enjoy it" after that he did loosen up a little bit
we played a few more games, none i won, he went to try and let me win but i told him off for pulling that kinda crap on me, no one pussy foots round me
we went onto the air hockey table
and during the game the puck fell off the table a few times (hitting it too hard)
and one time i hit it, it flew off the table and smashed into something
i mean smashed
it hit something on the air hockey table next to us, at first glance i thought id smashed a light on the machine but on closer inspection it was just a drinking glass someone had left on the floor
someone came to sweep it up i said "sorry about that" she blanked me, screw her i carried on playing air hockey. Oh and I also lost at that too. My hands were beginning to shake at this point my energy leaving me, we went to hoops which is basically basketball
we played against one another and after round one adam had 38 points i had 114
smashed him
and i think because i kept doing so well i kept getting more rounds to play whereas adam had finished after round 1 i had 4 rounds in total! i was exhausted!
i used to play for my primary school and secondary school basketball team
good to see i havent lost it ;)
adam could see i was exhausted
this is just how i used to be damn it and i HATE IT
my hands looked like i was an alcoholic on withdrawal
he brought me a bottle of water and we sat for a lil bit then i said i think i should drive us back before i over did stuff. So i drove us to his house and he made me a brew
i sat with his parents and we talked about our night then i had 10 minutes of cuddle time on adams bed X3 then i left for the night at 10pm
I was up til 2am couldnt sleep and aching which is how its been since sunday night
mum woke me at 7am like i said to as i wanted to join her on a run
so i reluctantly got ready, i cant go back to sleep once i wake in the mornings anyway so might as well do a run. She drove us to a park down the road and i went off but did a longer route than usual and i managed it as well
upon coming to a small children's park to cut through to get home i was greeted by a German Shepard barking its head off at the fence at me to the park. Its owner, a rather large stupid cow was pushing her daughter on a swing in the children's park. She was saying the dogs name and the dog took no notice and continued to bark and growl at me. I went to park gate and the dog followed me all the time going mental. Why the hell it wasnt on its lead in public and on a children's park i have no idea god forbid any other person was around. I looked at the dog shook my head at the woman and ran the long way home. It wasnt the fact i was scared it was more i didnt want to be disfigured by that dog for life. ive seen dog bites and they never heal well
i cleaned my girls out and then showered, had breakfast, cut fabric and now i can actually start making a start with the sewing, i know i will need to cut more fabric out at a later stage but i want to see some progress
i went on my laptop just to watch a dance id got in my head
it's Fairies Beat Generation
damn good dance looks hard but i like the challenge and ive been struggling to find any dances that i REALLY want to learn so i might give it a go
then I had lunch and went to see adam
weird how my mood instantly changes sometimes when i see him sometimes im happy sometimes im so distant and cant do enough to push him away yet half hour earlier i could be really wanting to see him, i do not understand this messed up mind of mine
i drove us to a park and we walked round i let him play pokemon go cus i was in too much of a bubble and couldnt snap out of it. then we went to my house for a brew and stayed there for a lil while and then i went adams and we didnt have a lot of time there so we didnt do anything and i came home for foodage
since then i havent done anything other than watch beat generation a few more times and do my diary i always struggle with the evenings on what i want to do, im so tired and my mind so busy its hard to focus on anything really.
god i hope i sleep tonight
i cant keep this up man
tomorrow gonna sew then maybe see adam and we have yoga were the lovely karen is back! im looking forward to seeing her! i hope she doesnt work us to death, ive been doing yoga in my spare time but nothing like what she puts us through
Evening or afternoon as its only 4:45pm!
I was up again til 1am
3rd day in a row
im tired!!
Felt crippled when I got up like id have a road accident or something
it took a while to get going
and i wanted to get going
i somehow, and god knows how, but found the strength to go for a run
and i did my usual route not a short cut
i took it a lil slower but felt much better for getting out
i had a shower and whilst i still had energy i got out my cutting stuff
and started cutting fabric
that took me til lunch when id have enough
after lunch i laid on my bed for a while just in the quiet
not wanting to do anything really
i got up went on my laptop looking at dances and other bits
didnt get far with anything
cant think
im tired and achy
but i want to keep going i dont want to lose what i built up
the voice in my head is quiet
its almost too quiet
like lonely in a weird way
i want the energy it provides and the pain relief
is it coming back?
so unsure
sometimes feel frustrated that im not getting as much
done as id like to do or earning money and then another side of me thinks
"its first week of the holidays chill out for gods sake!"
just a bit in limbo with stuff
id rang up the mental house haha and asked if i could speak to the
psychiatrist today and the receptionist said he'd give me a call today
and with only 10 mins til his shift ends it doesnt look like he will be making that
phone call to me
just want to tell him ive stopped my medication really
i have no idea where it will get me
tonight im going out with adam
were going for food at 6pm and then onto the arcades
when i originally planned this i felt good
but cus im so tired and a bit withdrawn into myself
it feels like a massive ask to go through with this evening
i want to tho i cant give in ive got to go out and enjoy myself
got to be normal and not wallow in self pity
i just wish i had more energy and not all these thoughts i cant control
tomorrow will probably be a repeat of today
exercise, fabric cutting, getting through the day somehow
Evening~~
I didn't sleep again
I was up til 1am like last night
so im tired
I woke up at 7;45am
didnt go for a run as my knees were hurting and it was raining
Took me ages to get going this morning
like had zero energy
so i tidied up hoping it would motivate me by getting moving
i reluctantly got dressed in my exercise gear and i did some dancing
soon got sweaty!
went for a shower then decided id go out and do 3 jobs i had to do
all to do with health very boring but needed to be done
i came back and sat with mum
made myself lunch then i sat and cute fabric out
took me a while and ive hardly made a dent in the amount ive got to do
usually i can go for longer but i felt exhausted and gave it up
i had cereal and tea for energy but nothing helped
i went to bed and mum came home she saw in my bed and i said i dont feel well
i felt like how i used
in pain with fibromylgia
shattered with chronic fatigue syndrome
my head is quiet
but i have these other issues
im just so tired and achy
i woke up and sat on sofa
i felt exactly how i used to
and its so saddening it truly is
i cant go back to that place
its like ive done a prison sentence and i dont want to go back there
im so gutted i feel this way
and praying im back on form tomorrow as i cant do this
dreading sleeping tonight
like literally dreading it
as ive slept in the day and i ache
not a good combo at all
so thats me up til 1am probably
tomorrow im entertaining myself in the morning and afternoon
then in the evening im going out with adam
hes booked a table at a restaurant for me and then were gonna play on the arcades in a bowling ally across from the restaurant. My suggestion and he liked the sound of it
i didnt suggest food i wanted to avoid that and go out after we'd had food at home
but no he wanted to eat out so im already having anorexic thoughts about that.
im hoping it will be a nice evening
to be honest im just hoping that i will be healthy enough to see the evening through
got a new t-shirt in the post for £7
Evening~~
Once again I havent been on my laptop much but Im trying to make the effort to update my little trip so here we go~
Friday came round and I was up at 6:30am showering and the like
getting myself ready for Mia and our trip to manchester
My brother kindly took us to the station and we were on the train for 8:45am
we got to manchester fine, never stopping talking on the train
our hotel room was ready luckily so we could ditch our bags off and hit the shops!
it was another warm day but didnt put us off
Mia picked up some brand new converse, I got a pair of red converse 2nd hand for £14 i needed some as i keep wearing the ones i save for school ><
we went round Manchester's Afflex palace and picked up the odd bit here and there, I got a jumper reduced to £3 completely plain but wont be by time i've finished with it
A bag to take away with me on holiday for £5 so it doesnt matter if it gets ditched
a smartie style necklace for £3
we went round shops in their mall and I got from one shop a pink hoodie reduced to £5 its plain but I plan on doing that up as well, and I got a black dress reduced to £6
all winter stuff but its the time to buy!
During the day we had a peanut butter salted caramel ice cream
we had a pure fruit juice in a different cafe and basically survived off them instead of lunch
by time late afternoon came we both had belly ache
a combo of heat, ice cream, fruit juice and no lunch had done a number on us
we decided to go back to the hotel and at 5pm we went out in search of food
we had an Italian and we both had pasta I enjoyed mine it was red lentle and mushroom id never had that combo before, we were gonna have a brew but decided we'd go and have one in our room
and thats were we stayed all evening! i kid you not, we werent going round bars or clubs, we sat drinking tea in an air conditioned room, I even had a bath!
At this point I decided to tell mia what was 'wrong' with me
i told her id basically got split personality
she cried a lil
i think it was the shock
she couldnt believe id had it so many years and kept it to myself
she understood why i found it so difficult to come forward and tell her
but overall she took it really well and we talked til 10pm
so 2 hours of talk about my mental health
not how i thought the evening would go!
i told her i didnt want this trip to be about me and seem to be attention seeking but she said it was nonsense and she was keen to learn
she never stopped asking questions and said a lot of the stuff growing up makes sense now
we went to sleep and i slept really well in an air conditioned room
luxury
i was sure to tell adam as i know he was sweating his balls off XD
Saturday
I got to the sound of Mia''s phone alarm at 6:45am
i was up and straight in the shower
i went toilet, did my teeth, put kettle on and mia was just waking up
doesnt do mornings my poor sister XD
i made her a tea and didnt talk to her
i waited til she had a shower and let her come to me
she came out and started talking to me
i turned round to her to see her in bra and pants...yeesh that girl
we got ready together and checked out the hotel for 8:30am
the convention opened at 9am
we lined up for a lil while as quite a lot of people were there way before us
god knows what time they must wake up to get ready and get there
we just stood in line looking at everyones costumes
we got in the convention and we had a good mooch round
ate a cheese toastie and picked up the odd bits here and there
didnt go mad cus stuff is expensive and id be buying for the sake of buying you know
i did pick up a bunny necklace, an eevee plush that was like a pikachu x eevee style well cool, an okami badge, guinea pig badge, pens i wanted to get as mine were dying, guinea pig badge for my mum for christmas along with a mini guinea plush
we took photos as we went round
came across a very dodgy looking Squirtle and Mew plush
awful huh
at around 12 or 1pm we left the convention for this year
we went to go get some lunch I was in cosplay for the whole day
and i did a few comments from men...mia said "take it as a compliment" i wanted to cave faces in, honestly adam was suppose to prevent this crap. someone said "alright sexy" to me i wanted to cave his face in, ugh
for lunch i had porridge and mia had salad
then we went on over to the dessert place we planned to go to like we did last time we went manchester i had the brilliant and magnificent white chocolate cookie dough with custard. jesus my teeth ached from the sugar and my heart was pounding but it was bloody good.
after i ate it i regretted it simply cus of the mentalness i got
we grabbed our bags from hotel and went to get our train
mia slept quite a bit on the train but i was too wired from the cookie dough
rob picked us up and dropped me off home
mum had the pigs in the hall so mia fussed over them XD
rest of the day went quick as i got home at 6pm, i showered and put my stuff away and talked to mum about stuff and i went to bed, got out of bed and went back to bed. it was gone 1am by time i did fall asleep.
Today
I woke up at 7:15 and thought "sod it im sleeping in no running for me"
but as i laid there blowing my nose and turning over someone said to me in my ear
"alright?" i jerked round that fast in fear and shock that i jerked my neck
it freaked me out a lot
so i got up and went for a run
it was drizzling but i did my run in record time man
got home and showered
then i whipped out my sewing as i wanted to sew on a pocket to these joggers
and i did that, did dancing and before i knew it it was gone 1pm adam was ready to see me and i had yet to eat lunch so i got in order and saw him for 2:15
as it didnt stop raining today we didnt do much
i talked to him and his parents about manchester
and it was announced to me that adam wants to be in france for his birthday so i kept getting things shown to me on the computer and asked "what do you think to this place?"
we didnt do much and i went home for dinner
since then ive been dying of hay fever for some reason
gonna watch tv with my parents and oz
oz missed me bless him
so yeah that was manchester
we said we'd go again next year to the convention
and go to manchester for shopping in january
i love my awesome sister
I'm home!!
im fine and ill update tomorrow!
