Evening
I slept~
no morning walks for me~
The sheer amount of moods I have gone through today
unreal
The floral design work i did for my brother
wasnt to his liking ive offered more help but hes given up
I danced this morning
i cleaned my room
I went out and whilst i was at hobby craft
despite telling him THREE times where i was
adam still caught the bus to my house!!
it kinda annoyed me as i felt i had to come away from my little outing
to come home to him!
i felt quite annoyed but tried to see the positive in the fact he'd come to see me
it was hard but the mood did shift eventually
we didnt do much as it was pouring down outside
we went up to his house and i played Okami
i was able to have a bit more of a play with him now his back is more recovered
i mainly wore his bed duvet as a cape all after noon as i was damn cold
i came home for yoga
yoga was damn hard it was leg movements as we were aiming for splits
ive wanted to do splits for a long time
i cant do it, my ligaments scream at me
and karen says its my hyper mobility syndrome its the way it is
but it may improve over time
i want to be able to do splits! my body isnt taking anything else from me!
i had to demonstrate a move for her i can do as easily as breathing
due to my hyper mobility
my nails this week
tomorrow mum and dad go away for the weekend
im gonna miss mum
heck i''ll miss company as i can see me spending a lot of time by myself
over the friday and saturday
hate it
every night im lonely like a pathetic loser
last night i drew a picture of my dream in my little book
and then i watched the new series of Task Master ^^
From Hobby Craft I brought 2 A5 sketchbooks
one for france
one for tenerife
and a new sketchbook for when my other one runs out
and some birthday stickers ive been meaning to buy
Evening~~
I woke up at 5am
having a dream that I could tell was gonna twist into a nightmare
and some part of me woke up, i woke up groaning in my sleep
my dream was my other personality sitting beside me
holding the same clock contract from Chrono Crusade
and as soon as she held that up I had feeling stuff was gonna kick off
as I know the bit from Chrono Crusade
'my blood mixed with yours, we'll walk the same time'
i knew something twisted was gonna happen and luckily I was able to wake up
waking up didnt truly save me tho as I had her present quite strongly
I laid there til 5:30am
til eventually I got up, I knew I couldnt sleep with that amount of mentalness
and my aches too well it was my joints that needed clicking really
so I got up and went for a walk at 5:50am for 40 mins
I came home and sat watching stuff on my ipod til 7am
had breakfast and was back in bed at 8am were i managed to sleep for an hour
I got up and danced for a bit, i was so sweaty
showered and then sat making a birthday card for adam
cute huh~ me and Ozwald
and on the inside im sticking this
my very crudely drawn Spyro the Dragon
as I wish to buy that for him as a belated birthday present
i changed my bed and had some lunch which mum kindly made for me
later on we went out just to TK MAXX i didnt buy anything as i didnt need anything
but mum was happy with what she brought which was holiday stuff really
we went round a couple more shops then went for a walk
got quite hot actually today
I came back and did some design work for my brother
which he has yet to see so im not sure if it was what he had in mind
he was struggling to draw basically
so i sat and did that for 90mins
we had a squirrel in the garden
we've not had one for a long time, they pass by on the fence panel but
dont come in the garden, not since my brother shot the last one
it eyed up Oz and Oz had his ears on it
it got closer and closer to Oz til i went out as i didnt like what was happening
no way was that thing touching my boy
i fussed Oz who was a little stressed but soon chilled out once he knew i was on scene
he knows i protect
got to do some japanese tonight
running out of brain power XD
so done 2 walks today and dancing
i felt alone last night
like unhappy alone
i wanted someone there but didnt want to make conversation
its like i just want someone in the room with me
i start by being irritated like i cant rest or sit still
then after thats passed im lonely
its every night lately and ive had enough!
im dreading tonight and its only 6:45pm
tomorrow im cleaning my room
as i can see dust
adam was on about seeing me and then i have yoga
Evening~
I slept well ^^ finally~
I woke up aching
just ached man all over
so I thought if I did some exercise id feel better
that lead me doing 40 mins of dancing
i was sweating
yet when i got in the shower my butt was freezing...
why do i have like zero circulation in my arse?
i did a fair bit of japanese to make up for yesterday
I spent the rest of my morning drawing actually
i drew this yesterday and remembered to photograph it
the Japanese says
'Hitori no mayonaka kore wa jiyuu nanka ja nai'
basically translating to
'being alone at night isnt freedom'
quite liked those lyrics and i formed this picture from them
took me between 30 - 40 mins and its A4
what i was drawing this morning was a picture in my thoughts book
and a picture to go on the front of adam's birthday card
i will photograph the birthday one
but sometimes im never sure whether to share whats in my thoughts book
i dont show anyone whats in it
and its pictures that mean something to me
after lunch I went for a walk with mum
and she treated me to a brew which was nice
i came home and then went to see adam
who'd had his first driving lesson in 10 years
he said he did alright and i was glad as it does his confidence some good
i was dreading someone coming along and knocking his confidence
i want him to do this!
we went for a walk then came in and sat with a brew i wasnt gonna have one
but i was so damn cold i needed warming up
and then we talked with his dad then i went home as i only saw him for a couple of hours
dont think he wants to see me tomorrow
which im kinda glad about as he has to get up early for an physio appt
so he will be crippled all day and i cant be dealing with the moaning
i dont give sympathy
so ive done today
40 mins dancing
15 mins yoga in my room
30 min walk with mum
30 min walk with adam
just dont stop and its like it everyday
im tired!!!
but i choose to do these things as it helps quieten my head
but i still had to really think through about eating a cookie mum had made today
i ate one
but i wish i hadnt as its set everything off quite nicely in my head
my guineas stink they need a bath
tomorrow i havent decided what im gonna do
Evening~~
I didn't sleep that well
couldnt get off til almost 1am
i was up til 12:30 had a hot chocolate
woke up at 3am sneezing in my sleep and then was
awake for a short time.
mum woke me up at 7:30am for my appointment with Karen
I arrived on time to karens at 9am
i enjoyed my massage
came home for a shower
then i sat and drew and went online
had lunch and got ready to see adam
cus yeah i wanted to see him today
im so messed up and its not fair on him
i picked him up and we went for a walk and i brought
us both a brew
we sat in the SAME cafe i sat in last week by myself
last week i sat happily on my own doodling whilst drinking a brew
this week, well i felt a panic attack coming on
i have NO IDEA why
cant work it out
adam said a few times "you ok?" "something up?"
in the end when we had our drinks he said "you want to go? you look stressed"
and i have no idea why i was like that but i think if i had stayed
in that cafe any long then i would have had a panic attack
over nothing as well
so we left and walked back to the car
he said "was it too noisy or busy?" but no the cafe was only half full
and its a small cafe too
i cant figure out what the problem was
he said "anything you were thinking about?"
there wasnt or not that i can remember
we went to his house
sat with his dad but i wasnt in the mood to make small talk
i let adam talk with his dad
i just needed a minute to recover really
so adam asked if i wanted to go upstairs and i did as i dont think i could
have sat on those sofas any longer not that we were there for long
adam tried to give me affection
i pushed him away, i didnt give it back, i didnt want it
and i could tell he was finding it hard and was asking
me for the 100th time today "is everything ok?"
he kept saying to me that i was tense and holding myself and my arms close to my body, that nothing bad is gonna happen and i dont need to be so tense
but when something inside you is telling you not to let him touch you its hard to ignore
he gave up in the end with a look of resignation
he said "im not gonna give up on giving you affection"
i said "but ive been fine in the past why am i like this now?"
he said "youve been like it for weeks"
i said "i feel like ive gone backwards"
he sighed
i said "what if i have gone backwards? will you be disappointed in me?"
he said "no i will just have to start all over with you"
i felt quite bad an inadequate as a girlfriend
especially when he said "i cant even touch my own girlfriend"
yeah i felt a bit crap as im so busy defending myself from touch and love im not looking at what its doing to those who do want to touch and love me.
and i realised that today
something in me just kinda clicked into place
and i felt like the 'old' me the me from a year ago
i felt different emotions i felt emotions for adam and i felt relaxed around him and ok with life
and i think adam noticed the change too
as he gave me a hug and i hugged him back and was fine with affection
he said "this is the Jo I love"
and i felt like i hadnt been around for quite a while
which scared me a little as i worry that maybe i could have more that 2 personalities
he didnt want to let me go as i could give the affection back
and i think he was making the most of it XD
he said "i enjoyed today"
i said "i cant remember what we did today"
took a few moments to recall what had happened but almost felt like
they were someone elses memories i had shifted through
i left for home at 6:45pm
did myself some dinner
showered and got guineas in as it rained
mum came in and i made her scrambled egg on toast for her ^^
i never get to cook for her
then we went for a walk at 8pm as we both felt restless
she asked me where id been and i once again had to take a few moments to recall it
weird
tomorrow is having his first driving lesson in 10 years XD
i hope he takes to it and can remember stuff from all those years ago
he basically tried to learn to drive and packed it in
ive encouraged him to get behind the wheel again
then he said he'd like to see me but i told him theres no guarantee what mood i'll be in
here's the plush ive done him for his birthday
Evening~~
It took me a while to sleep as I was aching
then I woke up at 4am aching
i turned over and literally my entire spine cracked it was awful
and didnt provide any relief to my pain ether
i laid there til 5:30am and thats when I decided Id had enough
id get up and have pain killers
at 5:45am I went for a walk round the neighbourhood for 45 mins
only encountered 1 person it was so dead! good tho
I came in and did 30 mins of yoga
anything to relieve my aches
by 7:45am I decided Id go back to bed as I didnt fancy starting my day
at 4 in the morning
i fell asleep and woke up at 10am
just when i woke up adam texted "what do you want to do today?"
i just groaned and told him id only just woke up due to a rough night
and that to please him self
never did i say that i was seeing him
i did some dancing at 11am then had a shower
id done almost 2 hour of exercise before lunch time!
adam kept asking and suggesting places but i just could not face going up to see him
its not him entirely its just the whole thing
if youve ever watched ''The Truman Show' you'd understand
as literally the same thing happens each and every week even the conversation
is similar!! its so boring
so i felt like this and felt i didnt want to be touched in any shape or form from him
i wasnt in the mood to play happy families up at his house
or be the sodding entertainer
so i told him i wasnt coming out i was staying home today
i read on my bed a bit
i just wanted quiet but i was a lil bored
i ached and was tired and short on energy
i danced then went back to read again
the door bell goes
adam has walked over in this heat to see me
and i was happy he'd done that but i also hoped the afternoon
wasnt gonna be painfully dragged out and dull
we sat and talked all afternoon
we talked about france too as two weeks today i will be in france!
i told him my worries basically and talked about other bits
he wanted my affection but i wasnt feeling it
like didnt feel much of anything lately
apart from pain
he said to me "youve been hard work past few weeks"
i said "thanks"
at first he wouldnt justify why i was being hard work but i got it out of him eventually
apparently its because ive been moody, not wanted to see him, not wanted to go over or leave the house.
i couldnt argue cus its true and i know i have been hard work
which is why i ask him "why are you still bothering with me?"
and i get "its because i love you"
i said "all I am to you is a habit you cant kick, youd only be stuck at home if you hadnt have come here"
he didnt look that impressed at that
i said "what if it doesnt get better? what if im always hard work from now on?"
he said "id still be with you"
theres just no getting rid of this guy huh
i walk all over him XD which i like to remind him of regularly
as much as i wouldnt want him to give up on me im not sure how bothered id be if my relationship failed as i cant see myself being with him in the future anyway
ive told him numerous time that im not marrying and i couldnt live with him
yeah im jerk i know i am i say stuff with no filter or regard to their feelings
i dropped adam off home as i wasnt that heartless to make him walk again
not that i asked him to come over
not sure what to do tonight
tomorrow i have got karen at 9am
looking forward to any help with my pain
its my pain illness thats having a flare up, stupid Fibromylgia
i cant wait for it to pass
hope i sleep tonight
as for the rest of tomorrow not 100% sure
the birthday card i made for tara~
Evening
I cant even remember falling asleep last night
i even had my kindle open near my hands when i woke this morning
i dont think i even read it, a complete conk out is what happened last night it seems!
I am not complaining tho
did wake up at 6:30 >.> think my body was still in park run mode XD
mum got up for park run
i got up at 7:30am
all before 10am
had breakfast
I cleaned my pets out
i danced for half hour
i washed my car
i showered
im that much a pro getting crap done~
oh yeah I went Tara's yesterday!
yup yup it was good
i got there and back ok too, a little unnerved at times but did it
it was good to see her and james and her bunnies
i heard all about their amazing american trip
and their engagement too
james is so cute sometimes but tara is like me a total tsundere XD
makes me laugh
james had brought us both a kinder egg so i ate that
then ate some american sweets theyd saved from may for me!
i didnt stay too late as i had food to get back home to
but we said we'd meet up on the 9th to play 'bucket of doom' and adult card game
one that i have a feeling i will excel at if im honest
as its to do with using your imagination and if something i have in spades
its imagination XD
what else did i do today
oh yeah i made an Umbreon plush for adam
here is what i have given tara for her birthday on the 11th
Flareon and Umbreon plushie~
theyre hers and james's favourite pokemon
so i cant wait for her to see
Adam will be receiving an Umbreon (black one)
so i made that
went for a walk and ice cream with my parents
as i felt a bit pent in and mum coaxed me out
i just dont like going out with dad he is just cringing
i mean putting milk on the til and asking the cashier "are these from the same cows?"
who does that!? i said to him "you're just cringing its not even funny"
the cashier didnt know where to put her face but she must see all sorts of life
ice cream was ok but i must say i dont think it was worth the stress of eating
cant be doing with all the food thoughts
i got them the moment i ate the american sweets too
proper relentless as of late
i sat and drew a chibi Spyro the Dragon
as i want to put it in adam's birthday card as my way
of saying i will buy him the new game once it comes out
as im struggling to buy for him and i know he wants it
my drawing looks like a child did it tho XD
I did some japanese too
think it will take me a life time to get any where near good
i think im being impatient with it
just like i am being impatient with life
my skin is still in real bad condition from that cheap face pack
ive got red dry spots everywhere on my face
i look awful and scabby
might do my nails tonight
Tomorrow not sure yet
i might go out by myself
i might see adam
just not sure depends what mood i am in i guess
the company is nice but i get fed up of being the one to entertain the whole damn time
Evening
It took me til 12:30 to sleep
I came down for pain killers and hot chocolate
just couldnt get off to sleep my joints hurt
but i dont usually sleep well on a yoga night anyhow
woke up at 7am and refused to get up at that time so laid in til 8:15am
This morning I went shops with mum
didn't get anything really
I sorted out Tara's present for tonight
Then I cleaned the interior of my car as dad had taken it for an MOT this morning
the inside was dirty as predicted
This afternoon I sat and watched the program on channel 5
called i think it was 'my personalities and me'
that made me feel a little sick to my stomach
a program about split personality which is what i have
and listening to what these girls - my age all had to say
was a little sickening
just basically because without being rude, what they were saying was MENTAL
but its what I say... and thats what made me feel sick
as what they were saying is what I say...
and it all sounds mental it really does and it makes me realise in another
light that i have got a mental issue
i know that sounds strange but i think its cus it was my first experience
seeing others with this
very interesting
how some people let the personalities free and change between them
and others like my self chain up the personalities
didnt say how to cope with it or anything but good to see there are others out there
made me realise things i take as 'normal' like choosing food for instance
i watched as their personalities warred to have a say in what food to eat
and i have an internal debate on what to eat everytime i eat food and i never noticed
or shall i say, thought much of it
as its 'normal'' to me
very odd illness
i went for a walk with mum
as the weather is good today its nice and warm and felt soothing on my joints
did a bit of digital drawing and some japanese too
i wrote out some japanese last night so i was glad i did knuckle down and do some
tonight, well in 15 mins time im heading over to tara's never drove
up these particular roads before and im hoping i will be ok with it
taking satnav and my notes as i worry to pieces
but id like to see her
tomorrow not sure what im doing
mum is doing park run
shes asked why dont i just walk it but it feels to raw and a kick in the teeth to just walk it at the moment so im leaving it, i'll stay home
probably dance whilst shes out
my nails this week even tho i have sadly broke two right down T^T
uploaded a dance as well today
not sure what to do this weekend /:
i havent done any dancing today O:
feels odd
