Evening
I woke up at 7am
got up to start my day and get off to park run
did 20 mins of yoga before i set off
and had a massive bowl of cereal and banana man i was full XD
I arrived and saw mums friends
told them i had a hair cut at 10:30am so i wasnt hanging around
the morning wasnt too cold actually so i was ok
and my muscles didnt feel like dead weights
i got off to a good start and it all felt pretty easy
i did push the last little hurdle as i was determined to beat this
couple with a bloody dog and they ran side by side
each with their own proper sports tshirts saying
"Mrs P" and the other "Mr P"
physically made me sick the level of sadness we had there
not only that but they were a nightmare to get by
fancy running side by side and with a sodding dog
theyd annoyed for practically the whole run
but did get ahead of me so i pushed myself to over take them at the end
too right i went by those sados XD
anyway ended up despite it not feeling that particularly quick
in 26:19!!!! can you believe that!? taken like a whole minute off there
not only am i in the 26min boundary im well into it and close to 25mins!
i was honestly shocked
anyway came in
showered and went straight back out
for my hair cut which took longer than usual as she was running late
came home and choked a tea down me mum made me whilst
i got dressed and put light make up on
then i was back out for eye lash tints at 11:45am
that went fine but it stung my eyes my eyes were a lil blurry afterwards
and i had to drive XD
from there i headed to the city centre
I walked straight to the convention
seeing people dressed up which always makes me smile
it was the same small lay out it is year after year
as i walked round i saw a face i knew i knew but couldnt get it
so i walked to the next aisle and then i got it
"3D and Graphic Design" course i did back in 2008-2010
so I went up to him
"i know you"
he said "i know you"
we both said the course
strange after all this time we recognised one another
i honestly dont think we said more than hello when at college
i didnt like my college class and didnt talk to anyone
think i had 4 friends in a class of 30
so we chatted and stuff and talked about whats happened since college
of course i never ever mention my health
im just as normal as i can be to others
why dwell on a boring subject of one's health?
i brought a t-shirt from him for £5 which had a design on it he did
and £5 for a tshirt is good value
i walked round taking note of art
some peoples were stunning
some peoples were rubbish honestly i could do better
some people had made stuff i could do better
im not bigging myself up but some people werent great
i brought a key chain from someone which is cool
i one a beer mat from a guy challenging me to put it half over the edge of the table, whack my finger tips down on it, causing it to flip in the air, then catch it mid air
course i managed it
good reactions~~
so he let me keep it XD
i walked downstairs and realised there was a photo booth
and i have wanted to have a go before
and seeing as id had my hair and eye lashes done and i was in an outfit
i thought 'screw it why not''
besides i wont always have this 26 year old body might as well have a nice photo with it
so i asked if i could borrow the guys sword for the shot
and he was cool with that
he positioned me and took the photo then showed me the photo with 10 backgrounds
i had to choose
so thats what we ended up with it
i quite like it :D
lovely keep sake for £10 its about 6x8"
heres the tshirt
the key chain
and my free beer mat
i left there and went to get lunch as it was 2pm now
i had beans on toast in a nice little cafe i went in last time i went town
i went to a few shops
brought a chrono crusade manga for £2 i already have it
but ive been collecting manga i could rip up as i think one day
id like to decorate a whole bedroom wall with manga pages :D
so i pick up cheap manga where i can
i went to blue banana
even tho i went the other week to their sale i thought id check to see if they had added anything else to the sale and luck would have it they did
got a hoodie reduced from £38 to £10 just for slobbing in
and i got a really cool long checked shirt again reduced from £38 to £10
amazing quality that place sells
went round a few more shops then came home
id had enough
id been on my feet all day
got home around 3pm
sorted out todays stuff, went on my laptop
not done much else apart from that really
i did think about dancing but i am tired now
although the run didnt tire me out
dont know how that works as sometimes im shattered from running
tomorrow i am dusting my room
as ive changed my bed and hoovered yesterday
just got to dust
then i'll have a nice clean room to come home to
might do a bit of sorting out for packing on monday
i'll have more time to pack tomorrow than monday i think
got a few things lined up on monday to keep myself distracted
adam asked if we could meet up before the holiday
but i dont want to
ive already got a week with the guy i dont need to extent that
besides it will no doubt be me entertaining
cant be bothered with that crap
at the hair dressers today i said "im off on holiday on tuesday"
she said "oh with the man of your dreams?"
i cringed at that cus ive never referred to him as that
i said "im going with him but we're not together anymore"
she said "im sorry to hear that"
i said "dont be its fine im the one who ended it"
she said "was it not working?"
i said "yeah i didnt love him anymore and it wasnt going anywhere"
have to be careful what i say as she cuts adam's mum's hair
she asked if i was ok with adam's mum
i said "far as i know shes fine with me but i havent seen his parents since"
adam says hes missed having me around
and asked if i missed him
i told him no
its the truth
i havent
anyway we shall pass tomorrow
the days are getting less until i go away!
i dont feel too bad about it all today my stomach has still been off tho
just dont want to eat but i have been eating
gonna do some japanese tonight then watch Killing Eve
Evening~~
I woke up at 6:45am which is what time dad got up
I got up around 7:30am to do my teeth and have a wee then I went to bed
screw it
i hadnt had a lay in for god knows how long
and eventually i drifted off and woke up at 8:50am
made a real change for me to miss those 2 extra hours
i got up and did some dancing
i suck at dancing i really do but i got sweaty and enjoyed it
I felt a smidge better about life today
my stomach wasnt quite so in a knot and i felt better about going away
and about my new job
i sat and made 2 more christmas cards, for both Karens really
not as good as yesterdays batch but i think its cus yesterdays batch
were more my taste
still i got the job done
i had lunch and then i went out with mum
i drove us to a woods 25mins away
last 2 times we've been we've had ice cream
but we got there to find it closed
i was kinda relieved in a way as i knew that would kill my stomach
cold ice cream...yeah not a good idea but i know i would have eaten it XD
we came home after our walk which was nice
as theyre was a halloween walk in the forest so i kept seeing decorations
had a brew at home with mum
then i went upstairs to sort a few things out on my laptop
had an email from the school, asking if i could bring in my qualification certificates
and that my council card was ready to collect
i had typically taken my qualifications when i went in the other day but as she didnt ask to see them i didnt show them and didnt think much of it, she had obviously forgotten to ask to see them
i will collect my council card monday
but instantly my anxiety worsen again
i worried that my qualifications wont be good enough
even tho i listed to them what i have
i just keep thinking its all too easy and good to be true and that its gonna cave in
i will lose the job
honestly that is all my brain keeps telling me
and its making my stomach in knots
why cant i be happy and have a bit of confidence that it will be ok?
i did feel a little bit of confidence in it this morning
but i feel its vanished now
i sorted out travel insurance
i sorted out my Siam Park tickets
i also decided to buy a ticket for a comic con at a university in nottingham tomorrow
been to it before its rubbish but i like looking round art and it gives me something to do
just tickets arent cheap for what it is
but still, but sorting those 3 things out has twisted my stomach up
i have eaten today but its not sitting well
i feel like bringing it up to see if id feel better for it
the good thing is the only thing i need to do for this holiday is pack
yup done everything now i do believe
i kinda just want to get it done with now
the build up is killing me
i havent been talking to adam much just cus i havent got anything to say to him
nor does he have any conversation
he did nothing before he had me and now he does nothing without me
i made dinner
well mum made meatballs
i cooked everything
trying to distract myself
i did some dancing on the wii as well
apparently the hotel we're staying at sometimes puts on dance classes
id be sure to give them a go!
right tomorrow
given myself a busy day
i get up for park run by myself as mum isnt going
i come home and shower
then i go straight back out no messing for a hair cut at 10:30am
i come home then i go back out again to have my eye lashes tinted at 11:45am
(getting them done so i dont have to wear make up abroad what with living in the swimming pool and stuff, just makes you look like you have mascara on all the time)
then i go straight to the city centre for this comic con
i will be tired but im up for it
keeps my distracted and busy
cus really i wouldnt be doing much else anyway
have no mates XD
wonder what my stomach and anxiety will be like tomorrow
sometimes i just feel like crying i feel that overwhelmed by life as of late
i dont think i will feel 100% better until i actually start that job
i will photograph those xmas card i made as well
Evening~~
I woke up at 7am but didnt get up til 7:20am as i drifted off
all this week I have had bad anxiety in the morning about the phone ringing
literally cant cope with it
so today ive rang up and said that i cant do tomorrow
cus no point i wont go school anyway so why stress myself out
i think maybe its because ive got a lot on my mind
it makes my mentalness worse
i did some dancing this morning
then had a shower and then went for a walk
it was such a nice day i wanted to get out into it
i came back and started drawing little designs for christmas cards
yes i know christmas
i HATE christmas with a passion
but cus of the way ive been this week with my mentalness
its made me have creative block
so ive been trying to think of a small creative task i could sit and do
and cards came to mind
so ive been doing those today
got 5 finished dont think i will need many more
dont have many friends and i dont tend to do my family one
usually i take a christmasy photo of my guineas and give that to mum as a card
mum asked if i had weighed myself recently
i told her i had and that id lost weight
she wasnt happy
but i said i wanted to lose some but also my stomach is literally in knots
food isnt sitting right and i dont want to eat cus it gives me stomach cramps
i said once holiday and work as settled down im sure i will be fine again
ive just got a lot going off
she wasnt impressed
we went for a short walk which was the same one as yesterday
and went into the same cafe as yesterday
we got to try the hot chocolate
i had toffee apple mum had white
they were both good cus we tried each others
but mine did give me a gross after taste
mum came home made biscuits i ate one but instantly
had anorexic thoughts afterwards making the biscuit not worth eating
all the while whilst eating i was being told in my head not to eat it
its quite draining as of late if im honest
im so tired with it all
i finished my cards
here is that guinea pig picture i did its 5x7"
the background is tea and the guinea pig is painted using coffee
then outlined in a fine liner
i quite like it, its growing on me more and more
just need a nice frame for it
i will keep an eye for one
tonight i have yoga
not been for a few weeks
should be good as long as karen doesnt work us to death
didnt see tara last night
she didnt finish work til late so it wasnt worth going over
it does mean now i wont see her til like november
annoyingly
but she did txt me a bit last night
she told me she wants me there when shes choosing her wedding dress!
i was shocked she wanted MY opinion on such matters
but she said im like her best friend and she wants me there
shes on about maybe getting married abroad 0.0
never known anyone to do that
then she said and have a due at home for everyone
ether way i wish to support her and james ^^
tomorrow not sure as of yet
i think me and mum are going out for a walk and maybe ice cream
depending if i can stomach it
then may see mia
Evening
I had a good time at Mia's last night
we just sat and talked really so it was nothing special
but did me good to see her
she has a tiny window by her back door and i always pull a face in whilst
waiting for her to come to the door
this time i could hear she was behind the door sorting pots in the kitchen
i crept to the window and popped my eyes out with a funny face
she turned round and it didnt half scare her XD
she was laughing and her heart was pounding
she says shes gonna get a blind for that window XD
i love getting up to mischief
i left at 9:15pm
id had enough it was cold in her house and my stomach hurt
my stomach has been in knots for past few days
just like anxious stomach really so i dont want food and food isnt sitting right
one ive eaten it
i weighed myself this morning and id lost more weight
bringing the total to 2.4kg
im surprised to be honest as i havent been going out my way to lose weight
its just kinda dropping
im keeping an eye on it
i did say a few weeks ago that my weight kept going up so id like to lose weight
and be at 8stone 10pounds
this morning i weighed myself and im 8 stone 11 pounds
so i suppose im almost where i want to be
its just if it keeps dropping after that
doesnt help having my stomach in knots
this morning the phone didnt ring thank god
as i dont feel i could have coped, mentally, with going to another school and working
just felt not myself at all
mum said yesterday all day it was like i was there in body but not in mind
and i think ive been like it today as well
i did get up and dance and got sweaty
worked mainly on Uza
loving that dance, im crap at it like, but i do enjoy it
did some yoga before i danced too
my collar bone muscle is getting better but still giving me jip
had a shower then went on my laptop
printed a few bits out to do with my holiday
didnt want lunch at all but ate it
felt bad after eating it mentally and physically
went for a short walk with mum and we had a brew in a cafe we've been to before
but we noticed after we'd ordered that they have 'toffee apple' hot chocolate
on the menu so we want to go back and try it!!!!!! well i do mum doesnt XD
we walked back and came home
i did some japanese
cus i havent done any for 2 days
i wrote out a list of stuff to take on holiday with me
then went on just dance 3 for 20mins i did really well
suppose to be going tara's tonight but if she leaves it much later
it wont be worth me going round soon!
means i could maybe eat dinner before i go instead of microwaving it
but she lives 20mins away
we shall see
id like to see her and i guess im not doing much else
i finished the tea and coffee guinea pig today
i will be sure to photograph it
it looks alright actually i think i will frame it and give it mum
for christmas to put up in the kitchen maybe
tomorrow ive got yoga and maybe going out for the hot choc
havent been yoga in a couple of weeks
ive been doing home practice but it doesnt compare to the torture karen puts you through
my nails this week
Evening~
I slept alright
i got a phone call for work today
typically
a day i cant do and i get a phone call!
someone out there likes screwing me over it seems
I got ready in the morning to go school and sign some paper work
the staff in the reception were all lovely
and i saw the head teacher briefly and thanked her
i had to fill an online form about my address and such
then i had to do my medical one...
i listed i had depression and see a psychologist
i kinda thought just in case, mentally, i find the job hard
physically i didnt bother listing my issues as i didnt feel the need
i had to list my medication as well
i told the lady that i will need to leave half an hour earlier one day starting
as i have a psychology appointment to go to and she was fine with that
but i felt bad for already asking for time off!
i asked to be shown round the school which is huge
truly a big school
with 2 of each class that racks the total number of students up to 450
its a lot and its big and a lot to get used to
i felt a bit overwhelmed with it all
i came home and i felt too churned up inside to eat anything so i didnt have lunch
mum came home and i sat and told her about my morning
told her how theyve applied for a council card for me
that i will have to pick up from a council building
and that i havent got my contract yet that will happen in a few weeks
and how everyone is nice and i will be teacher in the lower key stage of the school
so that will be ether ages 4 to 7
so at least i know i will be able to do the work
and i get paid roughly what i am being paid now
its til easter then they will have a review but she said that she can see my placement
being extended
a lot of information to take in i told mum
i went for a walk to try clear my head
i came back and went to Boots and Wilkos with mum for a few bits
came back and had a brew
sat on laptop but wasnt feeling it
i tried to paint using coffee but it was hard to tune off from thoughts
all i could think about was my holiday and work
two very big things for me and i dont know if its because im feeling fragile today
but i got a bit upset as everything feels too much to deal with
mum reassured me
but she did say that all of today ive been distant like my body is in the room but my mind isnt
i didnt notice to be honest
i had dinner and now im gonna go for a shower and see mia
she wants to do yoga but i dont
ive had a banging head ache all day so im not putting myself through more for her sake
im shattered too
i want to socialise but im so damn tired
tomorrow not sure what im doing
probably not work as i have nothing on so no work will come through
might see tara in the evening
Evening~
Couldnt get off to sleep despite picking up my kindle
for the first time in about 2 weeks
i woke up at 6:50am
i got up ready in case the phone rang
it didnt
so i did 30 mins of yoga then 20 mins of dancing
i needed a shower
Ed had said yesterday that by 9am we will know if were meeting up
he didnt text til 10am saying he over slept
he eventually made his way over
but i couldnt be arsed
dont know what was up with me but i just didnt want to socialise today
i was happy in my own bubble
i started tea staining some paper to do art and was gonna spend my day doing art
but i should be grateful for company
some days i crave company as im lonely
just today didnt want it
i couldnt even be arsed to get ready for him XD
I had some lunch and was ready
he didnt arrive til 1:15pm
he didnt want to go out he wanted to stay inside with me
we talked and he cuddled right up to me and wanted to kiss me
i didnt want attention or affection so was giving him the cold shoulder
but i did eventually come round and start being nice to my guest XD
I was annoyed at him as he had a cold and sore throat....
he didnt tell me
my immune system is terrible and i go away next week
so im wondering now if i will be full of cold for when i go away now
if i am i will skin him
we didnt do much other than talk and he let me play his Nintendo Switch as
i have never been on one before
i was pretty good actually we went on Mario Cart
i wouldnt have one tho
he left eventually
i felt like i was kicking him out but i did want to go running club
even tho it had rained alllll day today
i still wanted to go
running club was hard work
people are all over the place and because of that
i ended up running in a group of 4 and did 3.5 miles
thats the furthest ive ever ran
they wanted me to run 4 but i wanted to be able to walk in the morning
came home showered and made beans on toast and washed up
and thats it
im sick of the weather
it was good to see Ed today
im grateful hes travelled to come see me on his motorbike in the rain
even tho i tried to put him off from doing that
tomorrow i have to be at my new school at 11am to sign all the paperwork!
hopefully i will hear more about the role and actually look round the school!
not got anything else on so i might do the art work id like to attempt
i basically want to do a picture of a guinea pig using tea and coffee as my medium
i hope i sleep tonight
my body is tired
Evening
I went to bed at 10:30pm
i had watched the 5th episode of Killing Eve
its good ^^
I woke up at 7:30 but refused to get up so i dosed til 8:30am
it has rained all day
luckily it stopped raining for 10mins this morning so mum quickly
cleaned girls out i offered to do it but she wanted to
i had a shower and stuff
then mum said she was going city centre with dad
so i hitched a lift
as really i had nothing else to do
so when we got their i went shops myself
i picked up some christmas card making materials i do need for this year's card making
pound shop is amazing for that kinda thing
i went and got Voodoo Vixen top its plain black
suppose to be £24.99 lord knows why as its just plain
no logo nothing but i got it for £5
the quality of that brand is stunning tho
and that was all really
met up with parents and we had been 90 mins all together
and came home
had lunch which was soup
then i sat on my laptop but didnt achieve much
so i got my documents ready for tuesday
mum and dad went out briefly so i went and danced
felt good to burn some energy off even tho i had little energy
felt good to move, rain can make you feel sluggish
then they came home and i went for a 40 min walk
i got a little wet like i did walking round the city centre but meh
its better than doing nothing
came in and had a brew
tried to read but my dad is so irritating, hes just one big noise
the man never stops making noise does my head in
everything from the way he yawns to how he eats to the amount of gas he produces
just noise
ive had enough of him on a sunday
sunday is the worst day of the week for me
i hate it when i have no where to go or nothing to do
and today i havent done anything creative in the slightest
just been tired and so uncreative i really have
like no desire to create or ideas
i hate it when this happens
but must be because im tired and have other stuff on the mind
i had dinner and watched an episode of "white Gold"
with my brother then came back upstairs as dad came into us
i seem to always leave the room when he enters
funny that
ive had my piglets inside today
they do bugger all inside but i fussed them
tomorrow i doubt i will have work
but i got stuff ready just in case that phone magically rings
dont know if Ed still wants to see me not heard from him today
if not i plan to do something creative with my day
i had creative ideas yesterday but when it came to planning them out
they ether wouldnt work or i didnt like them
but thats part of designing i guess~
hopefully the weather wont be so crummy tomorrow
we've had 2 days of wind then a day of rain
