Konbanwa
couldnt sleep last night
had a lot on my mind
mainly school and rats...
had horrific nightmares about the suffering of guinea pigs
i was so done when i woke up this morning
school was hard work like a real hard slog
i got there and went straight upstairs to julia's prep room
to see my rats
i needed them at 10am it was only 8am but thought id get them out
until i smelt them...
my god they smelt far worse than i thought possible
to say there were in a sealed bag...
i left them in the fume cupboard
started talking to julia who saw me
then my phone went off 3 times it was jack wondering where i was
as it was 8:15am and he hadnt seen me so i came down to him
to report that yes i was in and yes i was on time
he said he wasnt bothered about that he was just worried
the dissection was bloody rank
the smell and everything
i could hear them being hammered and jack shut the prep room door
i put ear phones in as i really didnt want to hear what was happening
they put the bodies in the bag so i didnt have to deal with them
but still had the blood soaked board to clean and the instruments....
just ew
the smell was turning my already sensitive stomach, over and over again
i managed tho for the first class
second lot of dissection was after lunch and i couldnt bring myself to do the boards
the smell....theyre wooden so soak up blood and smell....
jack did them they were only 3 to do
he could see i was finding it all hard
during lunch tho we did secret santa
i got a 365 day art book which seems pretty cool and thoughtful and also white chocolate!
so i was happy
jack got a game of thrones cook book which seemed a lil naff if im honest
especially as he doesnt like game of thrones and he doesnt cook much!
i told him about thrashing myself to pieces last night
and how i wasnt going out with the department that evening
he gave me a hug and said how much it must suck for me and that he wondered if he could do anything. and there isnt. i can rely on him just about during school. i cant rely on him outside of school. so i said it was fine and missing out on stuff it just part of my life
i didnt tell anyone else i was skipping out
i couldnt be doing with that question
"why?"
no one knows, no one understands
i felt so rotten after lunch
i had stomach ache and felt sick and dizzy
jack told me to go home but i didnt want to go home
it got to 3:10pm and he told me to go home but i didnt want to
i said it wasnt fair if i got to go home early
but by 3:40pm i was shaking and everyone came in the prep room
i couldnt think and i had had enough
so i got my stuff and left
it hurt knowing they were all meeting up later and i wasnt
i came home and sat with my piglets and Oz
had a brew, complained to mum about my stomach
and begged her to not make me eat dinner
i told her i couldnt handle anymore that night and sitting with a stomach full of battery acid will finish me off. i went to bed and she didnt wake me for dinner
so she heard my pleas
she doesnt usually let me 'get away' without dinner
but i think she could see how low and fed up i was
jack txted to see if i got home ok and said everyone was better than him at bowling
i told him to have fun
since then i have done 45 mins of yoga
whilst my body shook the entire time with sheer exhaustion
but i have to do something
life is cruel
and id be lying if i didnt say that sometimes i want to jack in my life
ive had enough
im so done im so tired and drained
ive got 1 and a half days left
im hoping i can do this
tomorrow theres 2 more dissections then done for a whole year with rat dissection
i hope i can do it
then christmas yoga to push my body on through
hope i sleep tonight
Wednesday, 18 December 2019
Tuesday, 17 December 2019
missing out and thrashing out
Evening
i was learning final call by one pixcel last night for 50mins
but dont feel i can remember much of it XD
didnt have dinner again
3 days in a row without eating 3 meals
didnt sleep well...
nightmares about my other half
its been going on for weeks now, pent up thoughts and nightmares
its like having a wolf at the door
and i hate it
so i was quite tired this morning
it was cold this morning
cold and frosty and a fog came thick and fast
making the day dawn at like 9am instead of 8:10am
it is depressing how i start work at 8am
so the sun hasnt even risen by time i start work....
anyway work was busy
just running here there and everywhere
so much for my quiet day :/
i got the rats out of the freezer...i tried not to stare but the mind is a morbid thing
well mine is anyway
i covered them up so julia wouldnt be looking at them all day
i had to teach the head of science a biology lesson as he hasnt done before
i was only taught on friday how to do it XD
but yeah that was fine but was more running around
had to supervise year 13 for 20mins as their teacher had to leave cus of her sick child
so she asked me if i would let her class in, tell them what to do and let them leave
i was fine with it, jack never gets involved with classes but i like being in them
and ive had lots of nice comments off staff and students about my hair
my hair i still havent photographed...
its cus im at work during day light hours and i forget
i finished updating one technician guide. my first one done. theres like 30....
but felt good to get one done and ive condensed it down so much
so its a lot lighter to pick up and handle
i had science club and it was simple but nice
and i think i have more i can put up on the display board which will be good
but that was tiring in its self
jack looked tired this morning
i tried helping him with this physics practical but i did it wrong (course i did)
and he corrected it
i said "forget it"
he said "i did wrong my first time too, dont take everything as a criticism"
i dont, well i dont think i do
but when it comes to science he has to have his say, his touch on it
cant just take my word for it or just let me do it
like a control thing and sometimes it really annoys me
i tell him "undermining me again" or "telling me to suck eggs again jack"
yeah sometimes i have no patience for him
i left him to it
made him a coffee to try and put him in a better mood
i told him how his place was an utter tip and he'd made no effort for me
he said it was theo's stuff and i said "no your room was a tip too"
he said "my room is tiny and has everything i own in it"
i said "even my brother tidies his room and makes his bed before his girlfriend comes over"
he said "yeah ok ill make more effort"
he wondered if i was coming over tonight
but i made out id forgotten
so got off the hook with that one
he said his mum had txted to see if he and me wanted to go out to lunch or have lunch on saturday, i said id try to as i havent seen his family since september or october
but i shall see
he's got a night out on saturday night so at least id be able to come away and not have the spend the night over there. i shall see
speaking of nights out
tomorrow is the science christmas due and also secret santa during lunch
i came home crying today
i was so tired, achy, and stomach hurt
i was upset cus i was tired but also because i know i cant make tomorrow night
its bowling and a meal
and id told jack i wasnt going to the meal afterwards as its too much for me
but i dont think i can even do the bowling...
its on the other end of town so like a half hour drive at least
and ive got to bowl, drive home, eat, get ready for school
im gonna be shattered
i dont think i can do it
ive paid £8 to go
so im wasting more money and missing out AGAIN
but what can i do. my health sucks and ive missed out on so much over the last 9 years
this is just something else and i should be used to it
i'll tell jack tomorrow im not going
i ate dinner and it felt like i had drank a car battery
then once food had landed my stomach felt like i had been kicked
i laid in a ball on my bed
my usual night time routine as of late
dont want dinner
im done with food
the last 3 nights have been better as i didnt eat dinner but tonight was a killer
so when everyone went out i thrashed myself
i hated myself, my body, my life
so i danced HARD for 30 straight minutes
did all the fast hard ones, i was dripping, panting and brought up sick twice in my mouth
but it felt good to be the one in control
i'll be the one to cause the pain, fatigue, and sickness
i was shaky afterwards but thats what it gets
tomorrow is school
got busy day of practicals
and rats....
and missing out having fun with the whole department...
i was learning final call by one pixcel last night for 50mins
but dont feel i can remember much of it XD
didnt have dinner again
3 days in a row without eating 3 meals
didnt sleep well...
nightmares about my other half
its been going on for weeks now, pent up thoughts and nightmares
its like having a wolf at the door
and i hate it
so i was quite tired this morning
it was cold this morning
cold and frosty and a fog came thick and fast
making the day dawn at like 9am instead of 8:10am
it is depressing how i start work at 8am
so the sun hasnt even risen by time i start work....
anyway work was busy
just running here there and everywhere
so much for my quiet day :/
i got the rats out of the freezer...i tried not to stare but the mind is a morbid thing
well mine is anyway
i covered them up so julia wouldnt be looking at them all day
i had to teach the head of science a biology lesson as he hasnt done before
i was only taught on friday how to do it XD
but yeah that was fine but was more running around
had to supervise year 13 for 20mins as their teacher had to leave cus of her sick child
so she asked me if i would let her class in, tell them what to do and let them leave
i was fine with it, jack never gets involved with classes but i like being in them
and ive had lots of nice comments off staff and students about my hair
my hair i still havent photographed...
its cus im at work during day light hours and i forget
i finished updating one technician guide. my first one done. theres like 30....
but felt good to get one done and ive condensed it down so much
so its a lot lighter to pick up and handle
i had science club and it was simple but nice
and i think i have more i can put up on the display board which will be good
but that was tiring in its self
jack looked tired this morning
i tried helping him with this physics practical but i did it wrong (course i did)
and he corrected it
i said "forget it"
he said "i did wrong my first time too, dont take everything as a criticism"
i dont, well i dont think i do
but when it comes to science he has to have his say, his touch on it
cant just take my word for it or just let me do it
like a control thing and sometimes it really annoys me
i tell him "undermining me again" or "telling me to suck eggs again jack"
yeah sometimes i have no patience for him
i left him to it
made him a coffee to try and put him in a better mood
i told him how his place was an utter tip and he'd made no effort for me
he said it was theo's stuff and i said "no your room was a tip too"
he said "my room is tiny and has everything i own in it"
i said "even my brother tidies his room and makes his bed before his girlfriend comes over"
he said "yeah ok ill make more effort"
he wondered if i was coming over tonight
but i made out id forgotten
so got off the hook with that one
he said his mum had txted to see if he and me wanted to go out to lunch or have lunch on saturday, i said id try to as i havent seen his family since september or october
but i shall see
he's got a night out on saturday night so at least id be able to come away and not have the spend the night over there. i shall see
speaking of nights out
tomorrow is the science christmas due and also secret santa during lunch
i came home crying today
i was so tired, achy, and stomach hurt
i was upset cus i was tired but also because i know i cant make tomorrow night
its bowling and a meal
and id told jack i wasnt going to the meal afterwards as its too much for me
but i dont think i can even do the bowling...
its on the other end of town so like a half hour drive at least
and ive got to bowl, drive home, eat, get ready for school
im gonna be shattered
i dont think i can do it
ive paid £8 to go
so im wasting more money and missing out AGAIN
but what can i do. my health sucks and ive missed out on so much over the last 9 years
this is just something else and i should be used to it
i'll tell jack tomorrow im not going
i ate dinner and it felt like i had drank a car battery
then once food had landed my stomach felt like i had been kicked
i laid in a ball on my bed
my usual night time routine as of late
dont want dinner
im done with food
the last 3 nights have been better as i didnt eat dinner but tonight was a killer
so when everyone went out i thrashed myself
i hated myself, my body, my life
so i danced HARD for 30 straight minutes
did all the fast hard ones, i was dripping, panting and brought up sick twice in my mouth
but it felt good to be the one in control
i'll be the one to cause the pain, fatigue, and sickness
i was shaky afterwards but thats what it gets
tomorrow is school
got busy day of practicals
and rats....
and missing out having fun with the whole department...
Monday, 16 December 2019
Saw dead rats
Evening
didnt sleep too great
woke up at 5:50am and decided to get up
it was cold everywhere
but it wasnt even our coldest morning this winter
just everywhere felt cold and dark
got to school
and jack looked zombiefied so i made him a coffee
and he was alright once that took effect
i managed to make the chemicals up i was unsure of
i got through the busy day
monday is always my busiest day
tuesday is my quietest day tomorrow looks ok
apart from defrosting rats...
i actually upped the courage and went to have a look at them
my heart sank
5 vacuum packed rats bunched together, faces on their front paws and eyes closed
sickeningly it made me think of what my guinea pigs must look after theyve been put to rest
i hated that scene
i told jack and went to see it
and it said i didnt need to as he'd be fine sorting the rats
but its MY job its biology
if jack wasnt there id get made to do it so i cant rely on him
i will do this
as long as i dont see them cut up i should be fine
so yeah defrosting the buggers tomorrow
on the way home i called in at mias
had walter fall asleep on my lap
what a life that 5 month old puppy has
we had a brew and a catch up
got this table cloth that mia wants making smaller
i can see why...
if you have a table that fits then youre doing bloody well for yourself
its 8m long!!! who has a table that long!?
insane
so im making it smaller and the off cut will be made into a smaller runner for her living room table...more work for Jo
i came home and skipped dinner
couldnt face more stomach ache
i hardly ate over the weekend ether
just had enough of constant stomach ache
i start my new diet on 1st january tho
hopefully it should heal whats up with me
done a bit of dancing in my room
trying to learn a new dance as i was bored really
even tho im shattered
tomorrow is school
jack mentioned yesterday me staying over on tuesday but i havent mentioned it and nether has he so i think i got away with that one~
we've been going out 10 months today...
didnt sleep too great
woke up at 5:50am and decided to get up
it was cold everywhere
but it wasnt even our coldest morning this winter
just everywhere felt cold and dark
got to school
and jack looked zombiefied so i made him a coffee
and he was alright once that took effect
i managed to make the chemicals up i was unsure of
i got through the busy day
monday is always my busiest day
tuesday is my quietest day tomorrow looks ok
apart from defrosting rats...
i actually upped the courage and went to have a look at them
my heart sank
5 vacuum packed rats bunched together, faces on their front paws and eyes closed
sickeningly it made me think of what my guinea pigs must look after theyve been put to rest
i hated that scene
i told jack and went to see it
and it said i didnt need to as he'd be fine sorting the rats
but its MY job its biology
if jack wasnt there id get made to do it so i cant rely on him
i will do this
as long as i dont see them cut up i should be fine
so yeah defrosting the buggers tomorrow
on the way home i called in at mias
had walter fall asleep on my lap
what a life that 5 month old puppy has
we had a brew and a catch up
got this table cloth that mia wants making smaller
i can see why...
if you have a table that fits then youre doing bloody well for yourself
its 8m long!!! who has a table that long!?
insane
so im making it smaller and the off cut will be made into a smaller runner for her living room table...more work for Jo
i came home and skipped dinner
couldnt face more stomach ache
i hardly ate over the weekend ether
just had enough of constant stomach ache
i start my new diet on 1st january tho
hopefully it should heal whats up with me
done a bit of dancing in my room
trying to learn a new dance as i was bored really
even tho im shattered
tomorrow is school
jack mentioned yesterday me staying over on tuesday but i havent mentioned it and nether has he so i think i got away with that one~
we've been going out 10 months today...
Sunday, 15 December 2019
Pokemon Christmas Cards
Evening
I didnt sleep too bad
I was having vivid dreams
I got up at 9am
I got on with the key chain Rob asked me to make for him
so I finished that didnt take me long from start to finish
then once everyone had gone out I did 45 mins of dancing
my god i was hot but it felt good to work up a sweat
I showered and watch the colour bleed from my hair XD
ordered some korean face stuff as im getting low so decided to replenish my stocks
then I decided to go to bed
not that I fell asleep oh no, someone was intent on coming over >.>
it rained, so i decided to see where Oz was
couldnt find him
i checked all his usual haunts
and no sign
no noise
nothing
my throat started to constrict in panic
and then something caught my eye
and he was there ON TOP of his hutch sitting cosy in the girl's hay basket
i mean he blends in so damn well with those things anyway
BUT HOW THE HELL DID HE GET THERE!?
so i scooped him up and cuddled him and brought him inside with me
bless him
i accused mum of putting him up there but we all know if you tried to carry
oz in one of those hay baskets the base would literally buckle
so somehow he's managed to get on top of his hutch...
i shall investigate later
just glad i had him
Jack came over
which was nice actually
as he came over did i realise that my tree at some point had been knocked over
and someone had haphazardly put the decorations back
it was a sodding mess
i was so annoyed
so i sat and did that whilst having a brew with jack
he looked at my decorations and said it was all very cute and random like me
we talked and stuff
he told me about last night's party
doesnt sound like i missed much to be honest
he said he was home for 1am as the place kicked them out at midnight
he went for one drink in a bar and called it a night
i went for a walk with jack and then waited at the bus stop with him
luckily the bus only had 2 mins before arriving so that was well timed considering theyre every 40mins on a sunday....
then i came home and had dinner
wrapped up some presents
and now im gonna sit with Oz then paint my nails!
tomorrow it is school
the last 5 days of school
bring it on
the tree apparently toppled over whilst my parents ate lunch
they said it was too heavy one side as i dont decorate the back (its flush to the wall)
so i made sure this time not to put the heavier decorations on it and put them on the mantle piece
here are the christmas cards i made this year
sadly only had time for 4 - everyone loved them tho ^^
i did snorlax for jack
scorbunny for tara
totodile for mia
and noodle for my cousin
I didnt sleep too bad
I was having vivid dreams
I got up at 9am
I got on with the key chain Rob asked me to make for him
so I finished that didnt take me long from start to finish
then once everyone had gone out I did 45 mins of dancing
my god i was hot but it felt good to work up a sweat
I showered and watch the colour bleed from my hair XD
ordered some korean face stuff as im getting low so decided to replenish my stocks
then I decided to go to bed
not that I fell asleep oh no, someone was intent on coming over >.>
it rained, so i decided to see where Oz was
couldnt find him
i checked all his usual haunts
and no sign
no noise
nothing
my throat started to constrict in panic
and then something caught my eye
and he was there ON TOP of his hutch sitting cosy in the girl's hay basket
i mean he blends in so damn well with those things anyway
BUT HOW THE HELL DID HE GET THERE!?
so i scooped him up and cuddled him and brought him inside with me
bless him
i accused mum of putting him up there but we all know if you tried to carry
oz in one of those hay baskets the base would literally buckle
so somehow he's managed to get on top of his hutch...
i shall investigate later
just glad i had him
Jack came over
which was nice actually
as he came over did i realise that my tree at some point had been knocked over
and someone had haphazardly put the decorations back
it was a sodding mess
i was so annoyed
so i sat and did that whilst having a brew with jack
he looked at my decorations and said it was all very cute and random like me
we talked and stuff
he told me about last night's party
doesnt sound like i missed much to be honest
he said he was home for 1am as the place kicked them out at midnight
he went for one drink in a bar and called it a night
i went for a walk with jack and then waited at the bus stop with him
luckily the bus only had 2 mins before arriving so that was well timed considering theyre every 40mins on a sunday....
then i came home and had dinner
wrapped up some presents
and now im gonna sit with Oz then paint my nails!
tomorrow it is school
the last 5 days of school
bring it on
the tree apparently toppled over whilst my parents ate lunch
they said it was too heavy one side as i dont decorate the back (its flush to the wall)
so i made sure this time not to put the heavier decorations on it and put them on the mantle piece
here are the christmas cards i made this year
sadly only had time for 4 - everyone loved them tho ^^
i did snorlax for jack
scorbunny for tara
totodile for mia
and noodle for my cousin
Saturday, 14 December 2019
missed the christmas party
Evening
I made it til 11pm last night
but hardly read once in bed as i was just shattered
this morning i got up at 8:30am
feeling like road kill
just mentally and physically exhausted
there was no ignoring my body today
saw my pets
mum kindly dyed my hair
jo now has full on pink hair XD
its taking a bit of getting used to....
then once id sorted that out
i did the tree!
i felt so exhausted doing it all
but its done
and i went straight to bed afterwards where i stayed then for 5 hours
mum said to me i should get up
as i hadnt really drank or eaten much all day
she was right
so i motivated myself and got Oz and a drink
sat with him for a bit
then went for a walk cus i knew if i didnt do anything
i literally wouldnt sleep at all tonight
but sadly got rained on...20% chance of rain my butt
now its 8pm
i havent had any dinner but hoping i can get away with just a hot chocolate
then i will see Oz and go bed
tonight is the school christmas party
i told jack i wasnt able to go but to still go
so he's gone which im glad about
i dont feel too bad about not going as i was only going for him
but the little hes done for me i dont feel that bad
besides he can drink and enjoy it all
i couldnt face looking happy for people, getting dressed up, loud music and loud drunk people
nah not for me
ive wasted £15 but im not bothered
glad i havent pushed myself to go
jack said he's gonna come see me tomorrow
he also says a lot of things
im secretly hoping he doesnt come over
as i have things to do tomorrow that i didnt get done today
such as a key chain rob asked me to make and starting wrapping presents
besides jack will be hungover
just see how tomorrow goes
ive not told anyone about my pink hair
i should photograph it
its mia and rob's 10th anniversary today
so i wished her the best this morning
theyve done so well
I made it til 11pm last night
but hardly read once in bed as i was just shattered
this morning i got up at 8:30am
feeling like road kill
just mentally and physically exhausted
there was no ignoring my body today
saw my pets
mum kindly dyed my hair
jo now has full on pink hair XD
its taking a bit of getting used to....
then once id sorted that out
i did the tree!
i felt so exhausted doing it all
but its done
and i went straight to bed afterwards where i stayed then for 5 hours
mum said to me i should get up
as i hadnt really drank or eaten much all day
she was right
so i motivated myself and got Oz and a drink
sat with him for a bit
then went for a walk cus i knew if i didnt do anything
i literally wouldnt sleep at all tonight
but sadly got rained on...20% chance of rain my butt
now its 8pm
i havent had any dinner but hoping i can get away with just a hot chocolate
then i will see Oz and go bed
tonight is the school christmas party
i told jack i wasnt able to go but to still go
so he's gone which im glad about
i dont feel too bad about not going as i was only going for him
but the little hes done for me i dont feel that bad
besides he can drink and enjoy it all
i couldnt face looking happy for people, getting dressed up, loud music and loud drunk people
nah not for me
ive wasted £15 but im not bothered
glad i havent pushed myself to go
jack said he's gonna come see me tomorrow
he also says a lot of things
im secretly hoping he doesnt come over
as i have things to do tomorrow that i didnt get done today
such as a key chain rob asked me to make and starting wrapping presents
besides jack will be hungover
just see how tomorrow goes
ive not told anyone about my pink hair
i should photograph it
its mia and rob's 10th anniversary today
so i wished her the best this morning
theyve done so well
Friday, 13 December 2019
Christmas guinea pig ornaments
Evening
didnt sleep that well
woke up at 5:45am refused to get up and dropped off to sleep
to have a dream where id lost my ozwald
woke up at 6am to my alarm thank god
love my ozwald
school was alright
i couldnt be bothered with all if im honest
id had enough
i was just so damn tired and drained
but the day wasnt too busy luckily enough
I heard jack say to julia "we need to do your probation form today"
i said "careful julia he has a way of putting you down"
i told him about how i felt about him putting me down for my attendance
he defended himself i said "my its me being sensitive about my illnesses. still doesnt stop me from feeling crap about myself" and walked off
at another stage when julia wasnt in the room with us
i told him about how i went to bed by myself at his the other night
how he couldnt not even play pokemon just for 1 night
that i had cuddled more with flump than i had him
he said "i thought you would have fallen asleep"
any excuse
i said "its crap jack and really makes me want to stay over again"
he said "im sorry ill try harder in the future"
i said "yeah we'll see"
he said "well you can stay over saturday and wednesday"
i said "i cant stay over weds as its the science christmas due, and im not staying for the meal"
he said "i can come away, id rather spend the night with you"
i said "jack theres the whole xmas holiday for sleep overs, go to the meal"
secretly trying to get out of staying over at his
told him i dont want to go to the christmas party tomorrow
just dont want to go
the venue looks crap, i cant park so i have to wait for a bus in the cold
and id have to stay at jacks dump of a flat
all in all im out
he said "do i have to drag you there?"
i know he wants to go and hes welcome to go, just with out me
i left bang on time
got home, got into comfy clothes, got into bed
done
i was so dead
i havent done anything since i got up apart from eat
i havent done any exercise
i need to but im so drained its unreal
i might try and run through two dances then get Oz
tomorrow
jo is dying her hair pink!
looking forward to it :3
and im also putting up the xmas decorations ^^
and also getting out of my xmas party
here is some xmas guinea pigs i made for a friend
travelled all the way to australia ^^
theyre cute, my brother and mum liked them
got more stuff people want making before christmas....
didnt sleep that well
woke up at 5:45am refused to get up and dropped off to sleep
to have a dream where id lost my ozwald
woke up at 6am to my alarm thank god
love my ozwald
school was alright
i couldnt be bothered with all if im honest
id had enough
i was just so damn tired and drained
but the day wasnt too busy luckily enough
I heard jack say to julia "we need to do your probation form today"
i said "careful julia he has a way of putting you down"
i told him about how i felt about him putting me down for my attendance
he defended himself i said "my its me being sensitive about my illnesses. still doesnt stop me from feeling crap about myself" and walked off
at another stage when julia wasnt in the room with us
i told him about how i went to bed by myself at his the other night
how he couldnt not even play pokemon just for 1 night
that i had cuddled more with flump than i had him
he said "i thought you would have fallen asleep"
any excuse
i said "its crap jack and really makes me want to stay over again"
he said "im sorry ill try harder in the future"
i said "yeah we'll see"
he said "well you can stay over saturday and wednesday"
i said "i cant stay over weds as its the science christmas due, and im not staying for the meal"
he said "i can come away, id rather spend the night with you"
i said "jack theres the whole xmas holiday for sleep overs, go to the meal"
secretly trying to get out of staying over at his
told him i dont want to go to the christmas party tomorrow
just dont want to go
the venue looks crap, i cant park so i have to wait for a bus in the cold
and id have to stay at jacks dump of a flat
all in all im out
he said "do i have to drag you there?"
i know he wants to go and hes welcome to go, just with out me
i left bang on time
got home, got into comfy clothes, got into bed
done
i was so dead
i havent done anything since i got up apart from eat
i havent done any exercise
i need to but im so drained its unreal
i might try and run through two dances then get Oz
tomorrow
jo is dying her hair pink!
looking forward to it :3
and im also putting up the xmas decorations ^^
and also getting out of my xmas party
here is some xmas guinea pigs i made for a friend
travelled all the way to australia ^^
theyre cute, my brother and mum liked them
got more stuff people want making before christmas....
Thursday, 12 December 2019
just an arse
Evening
So yesterday I had school
it was tiring but i usually find mid week hard
for some reason
but it was fairly uneventful really
i was just done in after school
and was going to jack's
he was keen to have me over i know he was
and even txted me in the morning to remind me to bring my stuff
I got over to his and my god
what greeted me
just a sheer tip
i mean i know when i've been asking "what did you do last night?" "what did you do at the weekend?" he hasnt respond, for quite some time, with "cleaning"
it was just grim
i could barely walk anywhere due to the sheer amount of crap everywhere
dust, clutter, rubbish, clothes, washing, pots
to say hes been wanting me over for a while and then he doesnt even bother to clean
not even the slightest
kind of made me feel like 'you cant even make the effort for me?'
his room was no better
nintendo switch box from 3 weeks ago on the floor, rubbish like actual rubbish from the convention 1 month ago, books, clothes, the same dirty bed sheets on from 6 weeks ago
the same sheets i would then have to sleep in that night...
yeah i felt a bit deflated if im honest
even my brother cleans his room and stuff before his girlfriend comes over
so to say jack has just been gaming none stop lately is an understatement
its taken over...
i got changed out my work clothes
but it was cold in his flat
my clothes were cold from my car
and i was just cold
and tired
so i curled up in his dressing gown on his bed trying to restore heat
he came and cuddled up and stuff
reminding me i had exercise to do
i was shattered
and said i was having a day off
he nagged but relented
theo came home and i watched jack put the tree up his nan gave to him
and i help him put the baubles on
theo played pokemon and didnt help in the slightest - another one addicted clearly
he said to jack "i have some to trade with you tonight"
jack said "sure once Jo has gone to bed"
i said "what? you cant take one day off?"
he said "well thats me told"
i said "no forget it jack you do what you want"
i was going to bed when i wanted i wasnt gonna stay up for his benefit
nor did i expect him to be able to sleep at 9pm when i intended to go to bed
we ordered pizza
put on an anime film which i found quite crap
watched and ate
after theo continued playing pokemon i could tell jack wanted to
so i got ready for bed, and left him to it
he came to see me and i told him to do what he wants
he said "ill play til the end of the film and come to bed with you"
i thought 'fair enough' as the film had half an hour to go this was at 9pm
at 11pm he made me jump by coming to bed....
so yeah he clearly couldnt resist playing longer
despite that being all hes done past few weeks
i didnt cuddle him when he came to bed i cuddled flump
i got up at 6am
it was cold
and the light in his bathroom constantly flickers
i got ready and got breakfast ready
then drove us to work
work was quite busy
and we had my probation form come through
it had various questions i had to fill out with my line manager - jack
there was a tick box
needs improvement - satisfactory - good - excellent
he gave me some goods and one excellent
he gave me a satisfactory for attendance...that hurt
i said "i have hardly had any days off. and you think i like being off!?"
he said "its not like you dont have a good reason for being off"
this form goes back to headquarters and they will decide - without having met me - if i keep my job or not. and i personally think that giving me a satisfactory for my attendance looks like i cant be bothered to turn up for work.
so i said "its fine jack, once ive lost my job i'll know who to blame. you go give julia top marks on her form"
jerk
really pulled rank about the rest of the form too
treated me like an employee instead of even just a friend
he put things like "jo struggled at the start but has become more competent"
i dont know it was the way he worded it. made me feel like an idiot
he said "this part is anything you want to add"
i said "yeah my line manager is an arse hole"
signed it and walked off
i came home and went to yoga
which i enjoyed and had to show a move to the class karen cant do
we came back and voted
then came back for food
i've got my christmas work due on saturday
theres no parking so i ether bus it or stay at jacks....
and after last night i actually dont want to
and after his performance with my form today im not sure i even want to go
i was only going for him
i dont really want to go
and i feel like id be putting myself out just for him
and he doesnt ever put himself out for me
so even tho ive paid £15 im thinking of not bothering
gonna sit with Oz and go bed
friday tomorrow
So yesterday I had school
it was tiring but i usually find mid week hard
for some reason
but it was fairly uneventful really
i was just done in after school
and was going to jack's
he was keen to have me over i know he was
and even txted me in the morning to remind me to bring my stuff
I got over to his and my god
what greeted me
just a sheer tip
i mean i know when i've been asking "what did you do last night?" "what did you do at the weekend?" he hasnt respond, for quite some time, with "cleaning"
it was just grim
i could barely walk anywhere due to the sheer amount of crap everywhere
dust, clutter, rubbish, clothes, washing, pots
to say hes been wanting me over for a while and then he doesnt even bother to clean
not even the slightest
kind of made me feel like 'you cant even make the effort for me?'
his room was no better
nintendo switch box from 3 weeks ago on the floor, rubbish like actual rubbish from the convention 1 month ago, books, clothes, the same dirty bed sheets on from 6 weeks ago
the same sheets i would then have to sleep in that night...
yeah i felt a bit deflated if im honest
even my brother cleans his room and stuff before his girlfriend comes over
so to say jack has just been gaming none stop lately is an understatement
its taken over...
i got changed out my work clothes
but it was cold in his flat
my clothes were cold from my car
and i was just cold
and tired
so i curled up in his dressing gown on his bed trying to restore heat
he came and cuddled up and stuff
reminding me i had exercise to do
i was shattered
and said i was having a day off
he nagged but relented
theo came home and i watched jack put the tree up his nan gave to him
and i help him put the baubles on
theo played pokemon and didnt help in the slightest - another one addicted clearly
he said to jack "i have some to trade with you tonight"
jack said "sure once Jo has gone to bed"
i said "what? you cant take one day off?"
he said "well thats me told"
i said "no forget it jack you do what you want"
i was going to bed when i wanted i wasnt gonna stay up for his benefit
nor did i expect him to be able to sleep at 9pm when i intended to go to bed
we ordered pizza
put on an anime film which i found quite crap
watched and ate
after theo continued playing pokemon i could tell jack wanted to
so i got ready for bed, and left him to it
he came to see me and i told him to do what he wants
he said "ill play til the end of the film and come to bed with you"
i thought 'fair enough' as the film had half an hour to go this was at 9pm
at 11pm he made me jump by coming to bed....
so yeah he clearly couldnt resist playing longer
despite that being all hes done past few weeks
i didnt cuddle him when he came to bed i cuddled flump
i got up at 6am
it was cold
and the light in his bathroom constantly flickers
i got ready and got breakfast ready
then drove us to work
work was quite busy
and we had my probation form come through
it had various questions i had to fill out with my line manager - jack
there was a tick box
needs improvement - satisfactory - good - excellent
he gave me some goods and one excellent
he gave me a satisfactory for attendance...that hurt
i said "i have hardly had any days off. and you think i like being off!?"
he said "its not like you dont have a good reason for being off"
this form goes back to headquarters and they will decide - without having met me - if i keep my job or not. and i personally think that giving me a satisfactory for my attendance looks like i cant be bothered to turn up for work.
so i said "its fine jack, once ive lost my job i'll know who to blame. you go give julia top marks on her form"
jerk
really pulled rank about the rest of the form too
treated me like an employee instead of even just a friend
he put things like "jo struggled at the start but has become more competent"
i dont know it was the way he worded it. made me feel like an idiot
he said "this part is anything you want to add"
i said "yeah my line manager is an arse hole"
signed it and walked off
i came home and went to yoga
which i enjoyed and had to show a move to the class karen cant do
we came back and voted
then came back for food
i've got my christmas work due on saturday
theres no parking so i ether bus it or stay at jacks....
and after last night i actually dont want to
and after his performance with my form today im not sure i even want to go
i was only going for him
i dont really want to go
and i feel like id be putting myself out just for him
and he doesnt ever put himself out for me
so even tho ive paid £15 im thinking of not bothering
gonna sit with Oz and go bed
friday tomorrow
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