chocolate chips

Evening~~

I slept okish I guess
was awake before my alarm anyway
Oz was going mad for a treat off me this morning
and considering he'd helped himself to the girl's food yesterday
i was not prepared to give into his glutenous ways
besides he never begs me in the morning so i dont know what that was about
he sat on my knee whilst i tried to eat my turkey pieces
then he eyed up the banana and coconut biscuit on the sofa arm
my biscuit I made and had previously offered him on other occasions and on all occasions he has not shown any interest. but this morning as i wasnt giving into him it was like "no gonna get me a treat i'll eat your breakfast then" and helped himself to my biscuit!!!! 
the git
hes eating loads past few days
but he is shedding his coat so whether that has anything to do with it i dont know
and god knows why hes shedding mid way through winter

anyway school
back to back bloody dissections 
christ it was relentless
so much blood, scalpels 
but luckily the lungs didnt smell
the fish did
but the bag of 4 pairs of lungs...ugh all in the same bag
looked like something from a horror scene and i put i gloved hand in and grabbed what i needed
so so gross
but i managed to walk into lesson when the teacher just started dissecting it was good to see as gross as that sounds but she knew how to open it up and show you it all
what did slightly creep me out was when she cut into the lungs was the sound
like wet cake or sponge
dead weird
but i was knackered running around and washing up and getting stuff back out
yeah i was dead

i asked jack how he got on at the pub with chris yesterday
he said it was good and that chris said he needs to do better
i said "what do you mean by better?"
he said "do better for you otherwise youre off"
i just gave him a wistful smile
later on i said to him "we could technically book japan this weekend if you wanted to"
he looked worried and agreed
i said "if you dont want to go NOW is the time to say"
he said "no no i am going. its just, im scared"
i said "well im gonna be bricking it on the day so dont worry"
he said "i feel better knowing i have you there tho"
i said "ive never been dont rely on me"
he said "im not relying on you i just know i couldnt do it alone, having you there makes me feel better"
but i kinda thought to myself i wonder if this is why hes been dragging his feet when it comes to japan, that hes scared. i personally have problem with him feeling scared as like i say i know im gonna be scared on the day and stuff but i just wish he'd voiced this at the start so i could have understood that he was finding it hard to look at japan cus its out of his comfort zone but because he didnt say i just thought he was being lazy and once again leaving things up to me

ive been hungry all day
like from the moment i woke up
so  i txted mum before i came home to say im hungry
and i had a lot of food when i came in and made some biscuits too
more banana ones but this time......i put in the mixture.....
some chocolate chips!!!!! oh yeah X3
technically i shouldnt as of yet eat chocolate but it was a tiny amount and i only eat 1-2 biscuits a day so its not gonna break the bank so to speak
it was literally cus i had nothing else to flavour them with as i ran out of raisins 

we went yoga
there was brand new people
and i decided to mouth of as karen tends to hold back when theres new people
so easy prey
she however make me do harder positions 
but eh Jo never learns XD
then came home and had food

tomorrow is friday
thank bloody god as i have had enough
need the weekend to recover 

plan on treating myself to double codeine tonight, never tried it but i will be fine
i counted today and i take per day 17 tablets
11 are actual medication 
the other 6 are vitamins
its true what jack says - i rattle when i walk 

Anorexic thoughts once more

Konbanwa~~

I treated myself to extra pain relief last night
I slept and could not be bothered to get up this morning
which isnt like me

Oz didnt come to sit with me
but mum came downstairs at 6:55am to make a brew
as she said she'd been awake since 4am
she came and sat with me and Oz and started ranting about dad
i didnt need it at 7am
but i took it
lately they have been arguing, mum just isnt happy
and its becoming a strain on the whole house
im glad i have my brother to talk to

I got to school
drove through some real thick fog
i was alright with jack
i wasnt totally in the mood for him but got on with it
i could tell he was concerned and trying to work me out

school was busy with dissections
i was clearing up fish left right and centre 
tomorrow theres the last of the fish and the first of the pig's lungs -___-
gotta love biology

chris came by and asked jack out for that drink
i felt a lil anxious about it all but i let them get on with it
they were going for an hour after school
which cheered jack up as he was a bit disappointed how i was staying over tonight
glad im not
its freezing so his flat would be freezing and im not in the mood for it all
i have a lot going on my mind right now

as i was leaving jack gave me a hug
and i asked if he was ok
he said "yeah just let me know if your evening isnt going ok"
i said "what makes you think it wont be ok?"
he said "considering youve been taking more pain killers the last two night im guessing things havent been going well" 
didnt realise it gave the game away so much XD
he said "please talk to me if you need to"
i said "no"
he said "ok"
i said "well, maybe"
i dont like rattling everything off all the time and he worries enough as it is
besides half my issues is him!

i got home and had a brew with Oz and mum
i got stuff ready for school 
did my physio exercises which is getting old now
had dinner
and went for a walk
and just got back

chris txted to say it went fine
and i asked jack how his hour at the pub went and he said fine
chris says he has no idea i know about anything
so yeah worked out well
and i will see how jack is tomorrow i guess
im not expecting anything but it will be good to see if a guy talk has any effect

something happened last night that made me feel sick to my stomach
for months now my anorexic thoughts have been pushed to the back of my head some what
its been nice, peaceful
i mean i still constantly watch what i eat, but i have been able to eat more 'bad' things and not suffering all night with thoughts about how fat i will become.
i havent had the need to burn off what ive eaten.
i still havent liked my reflection
anyway, so last night that door that has been closed for months, opened a bit...
i dont if its because im losing weight and its seen me in a my moment of weakness and thinks "ah ha i can have her" 
i was hoping i was done with the anorexic thoughts, that i had moved on 
i had suffered for years with it
and im sad to see it back
i told mum like an hour ago, and shes understanding and said i need to keep talking to her and not bottle it up
ive told her i need to watch myself as i dont want to fall victim to it again
i introduce foods on monday anyway so maybe it will shut up again
its not nice tho
it hasnt been on full blast mode its just little whispers at the moment

im gonna have a wash and get into pyjamas 
might do some drawing but theres not a lot of time before bed and im tired
tomorrow is school and yoga

here are some more products ive been trying out

1 year school anniversary

Evening

I did some dance practice last night and got pretty far
but how much i can remember is yet to be seen!
I took a stronger dose of pain killer last night as I just didnt want to feel for a while
i went to bed but got up around 10pm for a wee cus 
i was off my tits, my god was i high XD my usual medication has been hitting me hard
so stronger stuff really went to my head
it was great

i got up for school it was another minus morning
and another morning were Oz couldnt be bothered to sit with me
he just sat on the opposite end of the sofa

today marks the day that this time last year i started my job at school!
how time flies and how much have i learned! 0.0 my god
never thought id be doing a job like the one i have
but im happy here and its the longest ive stuck at one place too

I got to school just on time
i saw jack walk in with some female member of staff
i crossed the road and chris was there so i walked with him
and walked him to his office and stood chatting
he's brought a house for himself and his wife ^^
jack was txting me where i was so i walked down to the prep room
to my cage 
i couldnt be bothered with him tho 

he confessed to me he has no idea how to book a holiday
and i said to him "i havent asked you to book anything i just want you to look where you want to go and to do your damn passport"
i dont know what he thought i was asking of him
i feel, like always, im doing all the work anyway
he kept giving me bits of affection here and there but i didnt return it nor did i want it
not wanting it right now
not in the right frame of mind

chris came into the prep room office to sort jack's computer out
and jack was in the prep room so we could see and hear him
but i decided to talk to chris about my relationship 
how i wish jack would try harder and the fact that every time he says "ill try harder" and just doesnt is starting to hurt. 
i found out his wife is born a day before me X3 how strange

i saw the fish dissection which was interesting to see
i saw the gills which wasnt what i thought theyd look like
i cleaned up as soon as the lesson was over and took the fish heads to the outdoor bin
no way was i letting it stink the prep room out
got it twice tomorrow tho
i handled the day better than yesterday tho

chris txted me when i got home as said he was surprised i confided everything i did to him and the fact that jack was right there. but i said it was nothing i hadnt really told jack before besides he was probably oblivious to it
i said i just dont know what more i can do
he txted back saying "he needs a guy talk, thats what im getting from this. i need to take him for a drink after school"
i said "im not sure whats involved with a guy talk"
he said "its a slap on the arse and a direct 'fucking sort it out or shes gone'
i said thats exactly what he needs i think
i dont want to get anyone involved with this as it is for me and jack to work at
but to be honest that could actually help
as im getting a bit low with how little effort he makes at times
i chose to talk to chris cus i wanted the male perspective as my friends just seem to take my side on it and slag off their male counter parts.
we shall see

tomorrow im suppose to stay over at jacks
but i dont want to
i dont want his affection and also its gonna be freezing over at his flat
so im gonna stay home he doesnt know it yet tho
he asked me today "are you staying over tomorrow?" i said "dont know yet"
but all of today hes treated it like i am staying over by talking plans and dinner
but i never actually said i was staying
i'll tell him ether tonight or in the morning

tomorrow just another day at work really
2 fish dissections, potato practical, and other fun stuff im sure

What a cruddy monday

Evening

Last night before turning off my laptop i thought Id look
at if I am alright to take my medication to japan
turns out I have a slight issue there
i need to fill out a form and send it to japan to declare what i take and why and what dosage
nightmare of a job if im honest and dreading it
will certainly need help!
so that churned my stomach a bit
nothing is ever simple huh

i woke up at 5:15am and knew i wouldnt fall back off to sleep knowing i was up at 6am
at 5:45am i decided to get up 
i felt alright about school, it was chilly tho this morning had to defrost my car
Oz didnt bother to sit with me on the sofa he sat on the other end >.>

I got to school and stuff was fine
i made jack a coffee with the new coffee i brought him at the weekend
Jack was going on and on about his bloody scouts first air training
he turned to me and said "they want me to do summer camp, which 2 weeks during THEIR summer holidays, so if i wanted to do it id have to work the extra hours here first"
i said "jeez thats a lot of work"
he said "well if i stay half hour every day it will soon mount up"
and something inside me just snapped
it annoyed me just how much time he will put aside for others, for other peoples projects and how much effort he puts it into THEM not US.
so i turned round and said "just do what ever you want to do"
and i stormed off
i took myself off to the office next door just for a breather as my head was raging and i needed to calm that before i saw anyone else. especially jack as he'd be in the line of fire
i came back after i had semi-composed myself
he tentatively said to me "are you cross at me?"
i said "no i just wish you put the same amount of effort into us"
he said "yeah thats fair"

head of biology stormed in at that point demanding sheets she hadnt asked for and why she couldnt see them and i just couldnt give a crap at that point and said "if you cant see them its because i didnt know you needed them and therefor havent done them" jack saw the tension and did what she asked
after the staff had cleared off from breaktime i just sat in the corner of the office and silently cried, im good at silently crying
jack found me but i didnt want his comfort as he was part of my problem
i had such a busy head and didnt know how else to vent so i cry
i cried as well as i felt unwell and it was getting to me just how hard everything is. it was only 10:30am monday morning and i felt that dead. i was exhausted and thinking "how will i get through the rest of the day? the rest of the week"
jack told me to take as long as i needed but i didnt need his permission
i soon got up anyway no time for self pity

he later saw me and said if we could talk 
i dreaded what it was about but he sat me down
and literally treated me like a work friend 
it was all "youre not coping, how can we change things?" blah blah
nothing needs to change
its just my diet 
i have no energy cus nothing is giving me energy
and he doesnt help with the fact he does nothing towards our relationship
but i cant talk about that at work
cant mix work and relationships
so i just told him to be patient with my diet and i will feel better
i hated the way he talked to me, like he was my boss not boyfriend

i stayed out his way for the rest of the day
i couldnt even be arsed to talk to him at lunch if im honest
he asked if i wanted to stay over this week
but i said id see
i dont think i want to see him out of work hours
he does my head in and im tired anyway
i just wish he'd try for me for us the way he tries for others
i cant live with him whilst hes like this he just does nothing 
he says he doesnt deserve me and sometimes im started to see that
anyway

i came home and ranted to mum and ended up crying again
Oz just sat on the sofa falling asleep whilst i got it out my system
i put him away and did 40 mins of yoga followed by physio exercises

i got through the day
not looking forward to tomorrow as its fish head dissection 
woohoo -____-
gonna stink
4 times this week then its done
still grim
hope my stomach is strong enough 

got my stuff ready for school
might do some dance run though then get into pyjamas
hopefully things will be more positive tomorrow
ready for bed tho im shattered
and im sick of eating my weight in food every day
all my bottoms fall down which is annoying
and when i took my top off today i could see my ribs
this diet certainly works for weight loss
next monday im introducing foods!

Korean face products

Konbanwa~

Could not sleep last night
did my exercises and ran through a bit of dance but I was done in
then not being able to sleep sucked
the house was so cold
it was -2c outside and we'd turned the heating off to have the fire on -___-
meaning upstairs was freezing

this morning I got up at 8am again
because i was seeing mia in the morning
I went over to hers about 9:10am 
walter is so big now!
very well behaved i never hear him bark or see him misbehave its amazing
and he loves fuss
so we just chatted  whilst fussed walter really
it was nice
i told her im thinking of going sherwood pines for my birthday for a walk and picnic with jack and asked if she rob and walt would like to join and she said yes so thats something to look forward to i just hope i have decent weather that weekend!
it was 12pm when I left and I couldnt face coming home and being home all day
so I went down to tk max for a bit
it was worth the trip as i got some fur lined zip up boots reduced to £14 for school
as Jo's feet get very cold at work
I got some cream that ive wanted to try for months!!! (sad I know)
but its about £25 online which is why i havent tried it - i aint paying that
but it was randomly there for £13 so even tho£13 is still a lot to pay i was having it
i brought some heat up eye masks reduced to £4 which is cheaper than online
ready for my japan trip 
and a pair of socks reduced to £1 as they were without packaging
then i brought a fruit pot from the store next door

i drove down to the river
sat and ate the fruit pot by the river then went for a walk down the river
it was only -1c but the sun was out so it was nice
then i did come home at this point as it was 1:30pm and i hadnt eaten really in 5 hours

i got home and ate some of the pulled pork i made which was nice
and some sweet potato
then i made more biscuits cus i had scoffed mine XD and i made soup for the week
i helped mum with the dinner
and yeah i spent ages in the kitchen!
i had a cup of tea at mia's today and i was fine
i decided to push my luck and lick the spoon from the biscuit mix mum was making (unsafe jo biscuits) and it hurt my stomach, not majorly but still hurt
but at least i know i can have tea :3 so im having one in the morning before school

i have been working on the grim reaper picture too
he has eyes now XD
i did some research on japan so ive done my bit now, jack needs to pull his weight with it
tonight i might try and do some more dancing
and then im doing my nails :) 

tomorrow is school
im wearing new thermal tights, fur lined boots and a furry bow
hopefully should keep me a bit warmer as this week is set to be cold ><
im dreading this week tho as its fish head dissection week -___-
hopefully i have enough energy to get through the day and week

these are some korean products ive brought lately to try and heal my poor skin

Work Terrarium

Konbanwa~~

Mum woke me at 8am
I didnt mind as I knew we were off out and i was having a cup of tea today :)
so we left the house at 9am
i didnt have much for breakfast just fruit

we went round a few shops
i got some joggers which are lilac never have lilac ones before
some thermal leggings reduced to £2.20
a pyjama set with bunnies on ^^
some socks that were reduced
a bread board to burn when my pyrography set comes
some herbal tea, and some white chocolate & raspberry coffee for jack im gonna surprise him with on monday morning which should cheer him up
we went to a different shop for underwear
i tried on 8 bras and only 2 fit, like seriously how depressing my life that I can't fill A-cups
that shop used to do AA-cup and i used to be able to get what I wanted but theyve stopped doing that size for some reason, like every other shop, so i had to try and fill out an A-cup -____-
Jo was not blessed with a chest or cleavage 
but I got two and theyre cute and lacy so i cant complain they were also reduced to £8 ^^

we went for a brew in a victorian cafe which is amazing
does spectacular cakes but luckily there wasnt any cakes id actually eat
so i wasnt tempted
we both had english breakfast tea, with real tea leaves
i had 3 small cups and had sugar and milk in them
i really enjoyed them
and i didnt suffer for it ether!

we called in a super market on the way back 
mum let me choose what ever i wanted 
i picked up a pork shoulder as i wanted to attempt pulled pork
we came home it was 1pm i was starving 
so i had the last of the soup then made
*banana biscuits
*put the pulled pork on
* pan fried turkey stakes for my up coming breakfasts
i was done in
i tidied up as well and did a few other jobs
finally laying out on the sofa

mum later on dyed my hair
my hair in now reddy ginger
i like it :) 
so we've spent the day together really which has made a change
i could tell my dad didnt like the fact that i had mums attention today
hes been under her feet all day as he cant entertain himself
so hes got on both our nerves 

im gonna do some drawing tonight, got my physio exercises to do and i might have a run through a dance im trying to learn

tomorrow im seeing mia in the morning which will be nice 
havent actually seen her this year 
i have a soup to make for the up coming week as well

i took photos of the terrariums i made at work
the staff love em

My Terrarium!

Evening~~

I made it through the week!

I felt achy from yoga this morning
but Oz made me feel better by sitting on my knee whilst I had breakfast
cheers me up my lad

I felt drugged up at school again
and again took til about 11:30am to feel semi-better
its really frustrating
jack has suggested i eat breakfast then wait a bit then take my meds
whereas now im taking them with my breakfast
so i will try that tomorrow

school was dull
i just wasnt in the mood for it
wasnt in the mood to prep lessons
i helped luke with his display board which will look good once its done
i got all my jobs done too
i was just knackered when id finished

i got home and it was still light! first time in a long time has that happened
and i was tempted to go for a walk
but instead of getting Oz out i just fell asleep on the sofa till dinner -___-
not what i wanted to do at all but shows how exhausted my body is
after dinner i went for a walk with mum as i ached and had been asleep so
i knew it would be hard for me to sleep tonight if i didnt do anything
i will shower now and sit with my lad

tomorrow me and mum are going to the city centre for some shopping
mainly underwear shopping cus some of my bras aint comfy no more
then might do some drawing when i come back
sunday im seeing mia which will be nice
not seeing jack as 9-6 sat and sun he's got first aid training for scouts
the nerd
so i wrote his weekend off
he said i could stay saturday night but i asked him what the point would be

and finally
my terrarium!! complete with sleeping squirtle
i planted 3 cacti and it has glow in the dark stones
seems to be doing well on my windowsill