bee sting

 Evening~~

There's not much left of me if i am honest

but I am not the only one complaining, all the staff at school are exhausted

we all look haggered and knackered

i've felt dizzy more than a few times 

Yesterday was busy - as usual

after school i went over to jack's 

we had a brew and a sit down then I was gonna come shops with him as there was a few things we needed, one of which being supports for my elbow and knees. but he told me to have a bath whilst he went out. So I did. I wanted to go with him but I listening. My joints had been giving way a few times whilst carrying things and my body was exhausted and screaming in pain, i could have cried to be honest

so i soaked myself, when i got out jack got back after a few mins and he massaged my calves and lower arms which was kind of him, they were so rigid 

we didnt do much to be honest,  we made dinner which i didnt really enjoy or have much of

then we played on switchs cus there really wasnt much left of the evening

i was in bed for 10pm i was done

this morning my god i did everything for jack

considering one morning this week he has, forgot to set his alarm, no time for a coffee, only just got here on time. This morning i prepped breakfast, made the tea and coffee, got lunch ready, took his clothes off the drier and folded them, made the bed. Whilst he faffs getting ready, he takes longer than me! and i have hair to blow dry and tie up, and make up if i can be bothered! he told me how much better i make his morning and how amazing i am. im just a morning person he just really isnt. 

school was hard, honestly i almost went home

it hurts to walk. i cant lift much

im finding everything so damn difficult, but jack managed to get some elbow supports from the shops yesterday, they are not comfy to wear and im not sure how much they actually help but i wore them til 2pm when i had just had enough of wearing the damn things

I left for home and sat with Oz and the girls with a brew which was nice

then i pushed myself for a walk with mum

came home and did some yin yoga - which i am really hurting from! Yin yoga is holding yoga positions for minutes instead of seconds

had dinner and a shower as i do feel quite gross from school, so many germed up equipment 

we currently have 7 students self isolating, the number keeps increasing

no direct cases of students having corona yet tho

i have ordered online a set of elbow and knee supports from the UK and a set from china

all made from different things so i will just try to see what helps

hate spending money on my health

tomorrow is friday although today feels like it should be friday to be honest

i have no idea how i am gonna get through another day

there will be nothing left of me by the end of the day

i have 2 A-level practicals tomorrow too >.>

straight after school I am going over to Nigel's for treatment

the thought of him giving me more pain makes me sick but it will help in the long run

speaking of pain i got stung by a bee today

it was on the pavement and i picked it up, i always pick them up if i see them on the pavement or road cus bees are important and i put them on grass or flowers. but this ungrateful bee stung me!! can you believe that! i cant remember the last time i was stung. i was well impressed by the pain. my finger end went hot and swelled up but i wasnt home i was walking with mum so yeah i got on with it and carried on walking. quite enjoyed the pain in a sick and twisted way. it was a different pain for a change something different to focus on. then i had the thought

i can see why people self harm 

already corona cases rising

 Konbanwa

I can't believe it's only tuesday T^T

Last night was my first work night at home

I struggled to sleep I felt very restless and a bit anxious

I woke up at 1am for a wee and felt sick with anxiety but eventually got off to sleep once again

but woke up at 4am and kept waking up loads, a part of me didnt trust my alarm to go off for what ever reason, even tho its never failed me before. I got up at 6am, I was amazed how much of my routine came back naturally to me to say I havent done it since March. It's harder being alone tho compared to having Jack with me. its just lonely cus no one else is awake. Its made better by having breakfast with my Oz.

I got to work a few mins early and saw Jack coming in so waited for him

he said "mornings arent as good without you...I havent even had coffee! I got up later than i wanted to"

this is what happens when I am not with him, he lays in AND faffs then ends up running around. Whereas I boot him out of bed and keep bringing him back on task and motivating him when he starts faffing. Honestly what he would do with out me. I get everything ready in the morning - breakfast, drinks, the lunch, and stuff to take into work >.>

Work was so tiring i cant tell you how tiring it is

we are all saying the same thing tho, all staff are tired

and through the grape vine we found out that parents of sibling children have got corona virus - that was day 1. And schools in this county have already been closed too. Its just crazy.

so we give it til the end of the week til we have more cases

we were told today by the head teacher's PA  that

"we are following government guidelines. Children are allowed into school whilst their corona test is happening, once the result is positive they will self isolate and we will inform the health board and ask what action needs to be taken, like if a year group needs to stay off or close the school"

so jack said to her "so you want the children in who could possibly have corona to be in school. But to self isolate once they are confirmed to have the virus, by which point its too late for the rest of the school?"

she said "thats what the government are advising as anyone of us could have corona now and not know it anyway"

yeah does very much feel like we are delaying the inevitable here to be honest

i get kids have got to be in school and life has to continue but yeah its not gonna work. kids arent even wearing masks. we are advised to wear them but that doesnt actually protect us from the children and they out number us staff quite a lot. we shall see

i left a few mins early as it was hurting me to walk and i turned up early any how

i had walked a lot and stood a lot so my joint hurt

as soon as i got home i applied heat packs to my knee joints and sat with my legs on the sofa with Oz and a brew, then me and mum did a slow walk. It was so warm out, if it was cold out i dont think i would have bothered. then i did 20mins of yoga, had a shower and now i am packing my bags as i am staying over at jack's tomorrow straight after school, so that breaks the week up :)

i shall be back thursday, just hope i get some actual sleep tonight 0.0

first work night at home

 Evening

So i went over to jack's last night

he let me in and it was near enough time for him to play his online gaming with his team

so i left him with that, I talked to theo whilst he cooked his meals for the week

then I sat doing my nails, then played okami on jack's bed whilst he continued gaming

in the end I went to bed, i was awake when he came to bed as I was struggling to get off

but I did sleep, woke up once cus i was cold and it was cus i had gotten twisted in the blanket

This morning I didnt want to go to school ><

but I got up anyway, couldnt be bothered with make up to be honest so i didnt put any on!

we set off to school - late

jack is worse than a friggin' woman! he takes agessss to get ready, he just faffs so much and is so disorganised, despite the fact i get EVERYTHING ready in the morning. He literally has to wash, dress and eat that its. Honestly >.> but we got to school 5 mins early! so announced i was gonna leave 5 mins early then XD

Julia paid me for the masks, i forgot to see how much she gave me actually

Today was soooo tiring and it wasnt just me feeling it ether, literally all the staff we saying the same thing. I shed a few tears around 10:30am jus cus i was finding everything so overwhelming and exhausting, i literally i had no idea which way to turn. So jack made me a brew and told me to sit down a minute. He said I can be stubborn and need to ask for more help. I just like to be able to stand on my own two feet but also jack has been busy too so i dont wanna bog him down with stuff i should be able to do. to which he said "jo, in the nicest possible way, I am more physically able that you"

yeah thats true but doesnt make it suck any less

but the day went ok, we have to go about giving lessons out a lot differently so you have to think harder than usual. but we will get there i am sure. I just wish the sickening anxiety would sod off. just feels so all consuming sometimes

I left 5 mins early - too right i did

i saw a science teacher leaving and he said "arent you going home with jack?" 

i said "no i dont live with him....yet anyway" 

he said "enjoy the freedom whilst it lasts" XD

I got home in like record time! only took 20mins!

sat and had a brew with my lad and mum

then went for a walk with mum and helped her with dinner

had dinner and a shower then im gonna sit with Oz and sleep in my own bed!

this will be my first work night at home

i do feel anxious but i am gonna have to suck it up and get on with it

i should be able to go to work by myself no issues, i did it before i can do it again

jack said i could stay at his but i need to be able to stay at home. I will be fine

tomorrow hopefully i will get through it ok!

got survey results back, and dont wanna go school tomorrow

 Evening

Jack came over yesterday after I did everything

I did an hours walk with my mum and then 30mins of dancing

cleaned Oz out

showered

made my soup for the week

started making the 6 face masks for julia 

Jack came over we had a brew and stuff with Oz then printed off the house survey which was 51 pages long...he had also received stuff from solicitors so him and my dad spent i think almost 3 hours going over everything i went upstairs to finish off face masks

then we went over to his and made dinner and played okami and went to bed

we didnt really get any quality time togethe but we did need to go through the survey i got him to tell me the basic of it and if he was concerned for anything but both dad and jack seemed ok about it really and we have expressed our concerns in an email to solicitors 

today i had a bath and then waited an eternity for Jack to get ready so we could go buy stuff for school ugh, got some chopping boards for the house tho

then we came back to the flat and i fell asleep whilst he made his batch of soup for the week, which then he woke me up and we ate then i left him and came home to my Ozwald

did 30mins of dance 30mins of yoga and showered

i feel i have had no time to myself this weekend

but its fine, just looking after my health by exercising takes up a lot of time

i dont want to go to school tomorrow

just dont want to 

jack has asked me to stay over at his cus it will make both of us feel better i guess

so i am off now to his house

literally havent stopped this weekend!

first week done, jack completed his driving theory

 Evening

I went over to jack's last night after I put Oz to bed X3

miss my bunny when I am not home so i spend as much time as I can with him when I am home

but mum says he is fine

Last night jack hadn't eaten when i got over, he was waiting for theo to come back from the gym to then have a take away...he didnt get back til 8:30pm

i couldnt watch jack eat the meal of greasy burger, fries and milkshake it was making me feel queasy to be honest with you. so i played okami by myself on his bed then called it an early night when he got in to bed. we made sure to set the alarm 10mins early so we could have a cuddle together before we got up, which was nice. I had slept pretty well too, only getting up once for a wee and fell back to sleep

i have slept so well this week! something i was worried about once we went back to work

i didnt want to turn up to work shattered but my sleep has been good ^^

work was fine, just busy i was running out of steam

i got to help record a practical with head of physics and jack, we were doing 'convection'

we had a tray of ice & water and a tray of sand which those two heated up to 150c with bunsen burners, i was recording. we shut the windows and doors and went set fire to paper as we needed smoke. typically we chose to do this all under the smoke alarm.....

i was recording and then after we got the footage we needed the predictable happened

the fire alarm went off!!

all the science staff came out of the classes and asked "was that us?" (it usually is)

and we owned up to it, but of course its too late for that isnt it! the school - granted only year 7 and year 12 were in - had started to evacuate 

so then the evacuation process went off and i stood talking with other support staff, we were allowed back inside the school when we heard sirens...i turned to head of physics "think thats for us?" he said "yeah most probably" XD

so we went back to the classroom and begun clearing up the experiment when a fireman and a firewoman came into the room!!!! D: was not expecting that! they came in, saw the smoldering ash in the sand tray and said "was that what set the alarm off?" we confirmed this and he spoke into his walkie talkie thing and yeah the whole time the head of site (like a janitor) gave us evils XD

well passed some time didnt it!

jack was leaving at 2pm - a whole 90mins early, as he had his driving theory booked

he said he wasnt nervous but i totally knew he was

so i said "as soon as youre out the door, im in charge yeah?"

he said "i dont know about that...."

julia piped up "thats fine with me!"

i laughed and jack said "damn it julia do you know what youve done!?" X3

i didnt abuse my power like a certain senior tech and got on with it

i got home and found a txt on my phone saying he had passed!!! so he passed first time which is great news i am so pleased ^^

he asked me how the end of work went and i replied "we all went home at 2:10pm"

he said "i can believe that" XD

i have since coming home, sat with my lad and mum with a brew, done 40mins of yoga, sorted my stuff out, went for an hour's walk and had a shower had dinner. yep not stopped!

tomorrow i have 6 masks to make for julia's daughters and think i am staying over at jacks at some point so he might come over, not sure yet what is happening

but thats my first week at school done!

Almost done my first week

 Evening~

I've been to school

ended up sleeping over at Jack's on tuesday

I couldn't cope with the idea of waking up by myself and getting ready alone round the house. Just the anxiety was too great so I drove over to Jack's as I had already made myself upset with anxiety

i just feel for Oz but mum assured me that she would take care of him

I gave Jack his new mouse mat and he loved it ^^ set it on to pink LED so it matched his computer, mouse and headset he was so happy and said it works well so i was glad

as i had no idea what i was buying!

Work has been dull to be honest

still not into the swing of things

struggling to eat whilst I am at school

Yesterday I went straight over to jack's with him

he was suppose to have a driving lesson so we ate dinner before hand so he could get ready for his lesson but it got cancelled last minute which was strange so we had an evening to kill

we went for a 20mins walk round town and then i did 20mins yoga

then we pretty much played okami on his bed and went to sleep

today was another dull day really

nothing good to report 

i came home and saw my baby bunny, how I had missed him

he was dead happy to see me too ^^ so i sat and had a brew with  him and A LOT of pain killers i was on the verge of crying today, just so damn tired and in pain but cant have any other pain relief at work cus i will just want to sleep :/ so i have to suffer whilst working 

im gonna go over to jack's tonight just so i sleep and dont get anxious in the morning

I have been sleeping well at his actually ^^

anyway last day tomorrow then I have completed my first week~

First day back at school

 Evening~

So yesterday~

didnt want to get up X3 it was my last day of freedom damn it!

But it turns out Jack was awake and out for breakfast at like 9am!

so I asked him if he wanted to see me in the afternoon and he said he'd come over

That gave me time to be me X3

I did a 45min walk then 40mins of yoga

then I asked mum to put purple streaks in my hair which came out great :D i sat with Foil in my hair XD and of course thats when Jack decides to show up, he saw me and just smiled

i could see from his face he was thinking "what she up to now?"

so i went to shower that all out, then i got mum to tint my eyelashes and i did hers and her nails

Jack didnt mind watching mum's nails get done X3 

then we went for a walk, yes another walk but i was determined to tire myself out as I wanted to sleep for school the next day, so we did a good walk which was nice

then we came back and sat with Oz for an hour ^^ 

then we left for his flat, we made chicken and rice

i struggled to eat cus of anxiety but i managed food none the less

then we played Okami on his bed and had an early night of 10pm

I slept til 1am then got up for a massive wee

then i slept until the alarm of 6:45....

I got ready and stuff for school it wasnt too much of an ask actually

and i didnt struggle too much with the tea cakes

upon arriving at the school tho...ugh i felt so nervous and sick

we popped our bags off at the science office then walked to the hall

having the plan in mind of sitting together (1M apart cus we knew it would be set out so) and near back. but as soon as i saw through the open the door the hall, i started having an anxiety/panic attack

there was no two spaces together, no spaces at the back (so i could stand up if i ached)

i couldnt breathe i had tears down my face, jack turned round to me as he saw the dept head coming towards me and she said "come on Jo I will sit you in the reception office" and jack shouted back at me "will you be ok" i just nodded

she sat me with the reception staff who would be streaming the hall meeting....streaming it...that was an option was it!? i didnt need to go through that if it was gonna be streamed!!! T^T

it drained me, even tho it wasnt a full blown attack as it couldnt get to that point as the dept head took me away, it still drained me

after sitting for an hour unable to hear the stream due to everyday noises i left for the science office, were i tried to stream it on my laptop but it wasnt having it so i gave up and went to go sit with the printer technician whilst she worked, its company

then break time i saw jack he hugged me and we had a  cup of tea and a biscuit

then him and julia offered to go in the hall with me but i looked at it and could feel that panic feeling coming back on and said id stream it by myself

i know what it was, i couldnt bare to sit in pain in the middle of the room, unable to get out

i couldnt do it, the fear of aching there was too great

i went upstairs and did jobs really

then we had lunch but i couldnt eat really it was pasta and i tried but food wasnt sitting right

i took my cake home for my brother which he enjoyed

after lunch it was department meetings and Jack got to stand at the front of the science team giving a health and safety speech he had put together, makes me sick, really knows how to put me off him XD he loves the power and authority and it makes me sick haha

then it was pretty much time to go home as we got to start 40mins later and finished an hour earlier!

i came home and had a brew with mum and Oz

i told her of my day and i said "i dont know what to do, the thought of getting up by myself tomorrow makes me want to cry.. but i dont want to leave you to care for Oz"

mum said "Jo youre getting upset now, this is to help you. Oz is fine and i dont mind caring for him he's no trouble" i had started crying at this point

I went for a walk with mum then I got home and rang jack and asked if i could stay over and he said it was fine ^^ so i am going over shortly :)

i had dinner and did 20mins of yoga

tomorrow is school

dont need to be there til 8:50am result ^^

then another 3:05 leave wooooo

staying over at jacks straight after tho

so not a bad first day i guess, just me and my issues ^^;