think i need to diet

 evening

I couldnt sleep last night but that was due to how much sleep i had had during the day

so i got up in the end as i felt hungry and sick so i had some cereal and played okami

then i was in bed for 12:45am

i slept through the night after that

this morning i still felt dead

i lazed round and sat with Ozwald then actually motivated myself to go for an hour's walk by myself at 10:30am, when I got back I showered and had some lunch then made my soup for the week.

I went on my laptop for a bit and ordered a kitchen roll holder and put a bid on a wall mirror, just stuff for the bungalow-to-be kinda thing. 

then i was left home alone so i did an hour's worth of exercise which consisted of yoga and dance and blasting my music out, it was quite nice actually. thought it might help but its just left my body throbbing in pain, so it doesnt matter what i do im just destined to be in pain...im so tired of it all and i have work tomorrow too.

during my dancing i actually recorded myself doing a dance as i wanted to see if i could do the movements properly. and whilst i was happy to see that yes i was doing things correctly, what i wasnt happy to see was the size of my arms!! T^T think i need to go on a diet, im just chunky. since returning to work i have lost 2.5kg but obviously i have a long way to go >.> think im like 64kg now but id like to be in the 50's if i can

the other day i tried on some work wear from my teaching assistant days and found they were tight on me, this was depressing. but mum said its because when  i was a teaching assistant i was still quite poorly and skinny so its no shock they dont fit as well as i have put weight on and look better for it, but i dont see it that way. i dont have a nice slim feminine body, my body is chunky and looks like its ready to rugby tackle someone -______-

my jaw is bad like it hurts to put my teeth together and eat so i have been eating foods that require little chewing -_____-

ahhhh life....i shall try not to complain too much

think jack has got back from brandon's so i will go over shortly so we actually have some time together. then it will be school tomorrow and i will start enduring the week all over again.

think it will be weird when i go over to jack's as he has been taking a lot of stuff over to his mum's today so i imagine it will look quite sparse in the flat

anyway tomorrow is a new day and maybe i will be in less pain? im gonna watch what i eat for the sake of my jaw and my weight

a whole saturday wasted recovering

 Evening

I was in bed for 8:40pm

just dead -______-

I slept really well apart from waking up at 4am for a massive wee XD but fell back to sleep til 8am, cant say I felt much better for sleeping but it was nice not having to wake to an alarm and not wake up at 6am.

This morning I sat with my Ozwald X3

went for a good walk with mum, then did 20mins of dancing but it was very half hearted. I just hadnt got the energy at all so I showered and went to bed for like 2 hours

woke up and had my lunch and checked stuff on my laptop and went to bed for a further hour

i swear i have done nothing with my day which isnt like me

its not fair i have to work then use my weekends to literally recover from bloody working >.>

some life

i did pop to tk maxx just to get out of my dads way today as hes like a bloody mentalist 

i didnt find anything worth buying, brought jack some more of this berry tea he is really right now, he brought some and took it to work with him and is well happy with it and says he needs to buy more, i will revile it to him on monday as a lil surprise. 

i was gonna do another walk but one by the river, but to be honest i felt so exhausted i couldnt face it. its very frustrating feeling this tired.

so yeah i have done bugger all really!

i came home and made myself a cob for dinner, having to eat soft foods again as i snapped my jaw yesterday again, eating an apple at work. all those weeks recovery gone out the window :/ 

so it hurts to eat on it again T^T

i did so a deep facial massage using my gua sha thing to try and ease the tension and pain in my jaw this evening, it did help a bit and gave me something to do

jack has been packing his stuff up and cleaning his flat

he asked me this morning if i would drop some stuff off at harveys today but i turned him down as i just felt too dead and yeah i couldnt face it. but i said if his mum cant help him do it tomorrow i would help him next weekend with it. 

he is going to brandon's for a bbq tomorrow and i was invited but told jack i needed to rest really, that i couldnt face entertaining 5 other people. but he text me today saying brandon would like it if i came over but its okay if i dont want to. so now i am unsure what to do. if i have another day like today then forget it. but if i feel good tomorrow then yeah i might show my face but i see. cant say im that fussed but thats probably cus i am feeling anti social XD im seeing jack in the evening ether way tho as we are going school together

tonight i might give my nails a paint, the lady bugs i painted on them really stained my skin for a couple of days XD im gonna do simple spots tonight as yeah i cant think of anything good to do on em

so tomorrow i will see how the day takes me

im dead, jack packing his stuff

 Evening

my god yesterday I was just done

I had worked myself to death I feel

so i got home and fell asleep on my bed, ate dinner and sat with Oz then went to bed at 8:45pm

couldnt stay awake anymore. I didnt do any exercise, despite eating a cookie, a cupcake, a flap jack, biscuits....high sugar day but it was someones birthday at work so it couldnt be helped XD

Today I woke up to my alarm but it made me jump i about leapt up in bed, plush fell on the floor and everything. quickest 9 hours ive ever known >.>

couldnt be bothered with school but I got the day done, no practicals todays which was nice

jack was telling me about he has to pack some more as his mum is taking some of his stuff back to her house for when he moves back home next weekend. then he talked about the bungalow, the decorating and other stuff that needs to be done. and i looked at him and the tears just flowed out. luckily we were alone in the science office. so he cuddled me and asked why i was crying

i said "im sorry, im just so tired. its hard to cope with stuff when youre tired, you know? its just a bit daunting about just how much needs to be done. im this exhausted now just working never mind trying to do a house up, work, and look after myself. i'll be dead jack"

but he consoled me as he usually does and made me a brew and yeah just picked my spirits up which i feel he has to do a lot lately -____- i tell him he could have an easier life with a healthy normal girl but he tells me each and everytime he wants me instead :)

pain clinic finally called me today. so i have got a telephone appointment for 5th october with me usual consultant. and then an actual face to face appointment with the hyper mobility specialist 14th october. so i will need to take the morning off work for that one but i need to go. jack is fine with it all and glad i am getting help - hopefully

today when i got home mummy made me brew, gave me flap jack, microwaved my hot bag and got Oz out on the sofa for me ^^

we went for a walk then i did 40mins of yoga cus you know i seem to enjoy killing myself

jack is packing his stuff up - which is making everything feel much more real to me 0.0

i dont think i am seeing him til sunday night as hes sorting his stuff out tomorrow, sunday he is having a bbq with his friends, i was invited but i feel like i dont have the energy to look happy and healthy for 5 other people. so i opted out there. but he says he will see me in the evening and we will do whatever i like and eat sweet treats. i said "you have your online gaming at 8pm tho for 2 hours" and right there and then he cancelled it. i was surprised actually as he never misses it. i said "why did you do that??" he said "i need a break besides i want to spend some time with you, think you need it as well" which was nice of him but realistically we're still only gonna be spending 2-3 hours with each other which is like 1 hour more than last weekend. but its fine as soon im sure we will be sick at the sight of each other XD

tomorrow

thank god it is the weekend, seriously -_____-

i plan to clean my Ozwald out, do a walk, do some dancing and yeah anything else i feel like doing really.

got my maggies

 Evening

I went to bed crying last night

my dad had just been awful to me all night and then shouted at Oz which was the last straw for me, I cried and put Oz to bed with a treat. It was a combo of him being, well him, me being tired and oversensitive which is why i didnt kick off. Mum could tell - somehow - that i wasnt very happy and came to see me once I had gone to bed. She said dad loves Oz and didnt mean it, but yeah. He's my bunny and I dont like people treating him like that. Very protective of him.

So when I woke this morning my eye lids and surrounding area was puffy like hell and a lilac colour, god I looked even worse than i usually do in the mornings! So i gave my face a good massage in the hopes it would reduce the swelling..didnt really do a lot to be honest!

School was alright, busy as usual, had a fire drill. my god i am sick of fire alarms going off!

i didnt do much in the last hour i was just exhausted and kept feeling dizzy it was 34c in the prep room its just too hot to think 

i left half hour early to go get maggots, maggies!

the guy was like "what colour would you like?" - as yes maggots come coloured

i said "the plain vanilla ones please"

he said "eh theyre flavoured now!?" XD he probably thought i was crazy

i boxed em up and brought them home, i got home before my usual finishing time! result!

I did 30mins of dancing, picked the slower ones so i didnt push myself. I wasnt even out of breath which surprised me. I had a shower then I had a look online for a few bits and pieces, had dinner now I am just packing my stuff to take to jack's tomorrow as im staying over at his as i usually do on a wednesday night as it breaks the week up. probably all i will do at his is have a bath! god  i need it

then i might do a few stretches i will see

so yeah tomorrow is school then jack's

korean skin care haul

 Konbanwa~~

I eventually saw Jack yesterday, he had had a really lazy weekend, but I wasnt gonna waste my day and wait around for him, I had stuff to do.

In the morning I washed my car and helped mum wash hers, so its all clean ^^ I did a 70min walk by myself, made my soup for the week, did some dancing as well then showered. Had lunch, fell asleep for a bit, sat with Oz with a brew and packed my stuff, think it was like 5pm by time i actually got to jack's XD

He told me theo was doing his cooking for the week so we wouldnt be able to dinner for some time, so we had a quick lay on his bed then he dragged me out for a walk. I didnt want to walk anymore but got the feeling he wanted to so i got up and did it

we got back and i let Jack cook the dinner, I was done. I was exhausted. I couldnt even be bothered to eat to be honest. By time we had finished eating and cleared up it was time for jack to do his gaming. I talked with theo for 10mins then played okami on jack's bed whilst he gamed next to me on his PC

at 9:30pm I was done and decided to call it a night so I crawled into the dressing gown and blanket and grabbed Hammington. That was it then I was gone til morning. Despite jack gaming next to me and the bedroom lamp on, I didnt hear him come to bed ether. Dead to the world. Then the alarm went off and yeah time for school. We had a quick cuddle then I got up

I got everything ready for the day, as jack just doesnt function in the morning XD

we headed to school

i felt sick and anxious for whatever reason

but the day went alright. I did A LOT of running around feel like i have walked miles. I had practicals going off left right and centre but they all went well ^^ it is a good achievement when they go well. I was so done in tho I have to say. Also it was like 26c today so like 34c in the prep room. I sweated to death. I went to put up on a shelf a bowl which had had ice in it, i thought it was empty but it turns out it had ice water in it. So that poured- poured not trickled- down my arm, i was unprepared i was hot and this was freezing, i squealed and yelled and jumped up and down. Jack was laughing once he knew i was ok and not cut my arm off as i was waving it around. yeah really made me jump! jack said "think the whole department heard that" -____-

I wore my new leg supports but I had enough of wearing them by 2pm so took them off and they had been rubbing me, i had a deep purple line with red stitching in my leg and when the air hit it, it stung!! just like a carpet burn burns in the air - this did. really hurt. I put ice blocks on it just to cool it down and stop it stinging. So i aint wearing those again!

got home and had a brew with Oz and mum then she went out to walk with her friends

so I did 30mins of dancing and really enjoyed it i mean i sweated to death but it was really good to do for my body actually. then i had a shower and ate my salad in peace and quiet before anyone was home! 

my new arm supports have arrived so i will give them a go tomorrow

cant be any worse than the leg supports 0.0

i rang pain clinic but theres like no one there, it says to email them so i might try that

not sure what i feel like doing tonight to be honest

tomorrow is school nothing special, not many practicals, just handing out onions really XD

Oh here's my haul from korea, finally!

god i stocked up and wanted to try new things ^^ so glad it came :D also got my new shiny hair bobble which i wore today :3

Making more masks

 Evening

my god did I sleep 0.0

went to bed and read for i think 5mins then just fell straight asleep, this was at 10pm

and slept through the night. Jo was dead

This morning I did feel like i had been in some sort of accident and that I should be waking up in a hospital bed not my own bed

but still i got motivated i cleaned Ozwald out, then went for a walk with mum then did my dancing, i was sweating and knackered. God knows why i push myself like i do

i had a shower then crawled into my bed at 11:30am

woke up at 2:30pm....jesus...i was just dead and could have slept longer to be honest

but didnt want to waste my precious weekend so i got up and got on with the day's jobs

making Julia and Jack a mask each, they wanted another one making >.>

so I got them done, think you can tell whos is whos. I always sew a little button/trinket on the top corner so you can my masks from the rest X3

I laid out on a blanket in the sun in the garden as it was really nice weather and thought i would soak my joints in the rays, it was nice, Oz watched me from afar. Normally he likes being on the blanket so i am not sure why he didnt come to see me :/ 

Then I had my dinner, listed my stuff on ebay - they are set for 30th September~

hopefully I can budge some stuff anyway, be nice to have money towards the house

did a bit of dance practice in my bedroom which i might continue for a bit longer now then go get Oz out, sit with him and go to bed. I am so knackered. I dont like to rest the whole day away tho

tomorrow id like to wash my car if i can spare the energy

think i am seeing jack at some point but he's over at harvey's tonight with everyone drinking so god knows what state he will be in tomorrow. he says he wont drink much but ive heard it all before i cant say im arsed what he does, its not me who has to recover. I refuse to see him when hes hungover cus its no fun and self inflicted and boring for me! we shall see. think i am staying over at his tho for monday morning. oh i have soup to make for the week thats another job.

so yeah stuff to do~

some how got through the first full week

 I've done it

I have made it through the week

a whole week

and I am still able to stand, walk and talk

my god it has been hard

I slept well last night, woke up at 5:40am but got up at 6am

sat with Oz and stuff before school :3

School was once again full on

I had several members staff ask me "you ok? how you coping?" and some weren't even science staff. I am wondering if i must have looked as dead as i felt

but my 2 A-level practicals were successful and I didnt need help from Jack or Julia

i was independant and the students got results, and it makes the job feel worth while when I can actually do my job and the students get success from it. It was hard effort tho.

i had arrived 15mins early for work so i left early too and good job too as i literally got to Nigel's on time, he was punishing. My god the pain on my back. He used this scraper thing and i could feel it grating against my spine. and now my first 7 vertibrate at the top of my back are purple and you can clearly see each one. my shoulder blades are reddy purple. mum offered to photograph my back but it aint pretty so i turned it down. she said "that must have been painful. how do you cope with more pain?" I said "well cus i know that pain will pass, unlike my everyday pain where it never goes away" after the treatment nigel gave me acupuncture then he took me round his house to see if i wanted any other pieces of his furniture and i did like some pieces but they are for a house not a bungalow so they are far too big for our little bungalow

i came home and showered and got pyjamas on, my brother has his girlfriend over tonight

so he seems to be in a good mood

im not seeing jack til sunday i dont think, i wrote saturday off when i booked myself in with Nigel

but also I could theo and harvey wanted to go out so i told jack to go and play out with his friends XD so hopefully i will see him if he isnt too dead from drinking saturday night

it is tara's 29th birthday today! she wont meet up with anyone right now as she fears for James' safety with the virus which fair enough so i drew her a card and brought rabbit toys on line to be delivered at her house so she can play with her new baby bunny - jasper, i tried to water colour him on a card for her.

tomorrow i plan to exercise - i hope

and i said i would make julia and jack another mask

ugh more mask making >.>