Off school, endless tears

 Evening

Yesterday was just awful

I felt like a zombie when I got up for school, and I felt no better when I was at school

as the day went on the worse I got. I was just in floods of tears and not even sure why i was crying. I fell asleep on the office floor with my coat thrown over me. Jack shut the door and turned the lights off. He was concerned for me. Concerned for my mental and physical health.

I texted mum at lunch and told her what a state I was in and that I wanted to come home but I stuck with it just so jack could get home. She texted saying that I needed to take time off as im getting worse. I showed the text to jack and it started me off crying again. He said "she might be right. And to be honest I dont think you are safe to work right now. You havent just had to odd time or day of feeling unwell this week, you have been getting worse all week"

i felt like crap and looked like death

I prepped my lessons for thursday and did as much as friday as possible then sat alone.

I drove us home crying all the way. Not even sure why tears were flowing they just were. Some part of me must have been really sad

I got home and mum saw how bad I was, I told her and jack that was going to have a shower and my face was stinging from all the crying. I did that and had a brew with mum and jack we agreed i needed to stay off for the rest of the week. Jack doesnt want me at work T^T 

Luckily chris had said that in the event i was too sick to take jack to work he would take him and bring him back ^^ chris is such a good guy, we will buy him rum at the weekend to say thank you.

after dinner jack packed up my dvd draw and we took that over to the bungalow, and tried to unwind with what was left of the evening. I hadnt done any exercise i was literally done. I felt like a shell. i just needed sleep. we lit tara's candle and it sits on the mantel piece. Jack went to blow it out but for some reason decided to give it the biggest breath ever. and hot wax splattered up the wall - freshly painted wall. and dried instantly. I told him to get a wall scraper and scrape what he could off. i then sanded the wall down with sandpaper, made him hoover the mess up and then i painted the wall. it was 9:30pm when we finished. he was very sorry. i wasnt even bothered about it i didnt get mad or upset. we all do stupid things and i was just numb anyway.

I slept over there last night

and this morning gave the wall another coat as I could still see blue wax through the paint....

chris came to pick jack up and then i left shortly afterwards, after i had rung work up

i came home and sat with mum and the girls then i went to bed

woke up and sat with Oz with a brew and had lunch

then went to bed

jack came over and he packed up my manga

we had dinner and jack went over to the bungalow with my manga and new tv, my brother drove him over which was kind of him. and i then tinted mums eyebrows and eyelashes and she did mine

now i am gonna get Oz and just sit

I have done literally nothing today

just exhausted and want to sleep. Mum says i have exhausted myself but she also feels my depression has been coming along stronger and stronger lately. she wondered if i needed to speak to a doctor but i am sure i will be fine for some rest

so i have 4 days of rest. 2 days off school + the weekend

hopefully i will be good to go for monday

tomorrow i might take Oz over for his first trip to the bungalow 

18th December

 Evening

Didnt sleep too bad actually

Went for Jack in the morning and i was on the drive for 3mins despite giving him a txt before i left the house saying i was on my way. I knocked on the door and he was rushing out the door

i had a go at him for not being ready for me as hes always early for everyone else, and im doing him a favour by picking him up and from the door as well. He said he will try better

school was ok and I handled it better too

I gave Luke the 3 cat nip plants as a thank you for the wardrobe and he really loved them ^^

we looked at uniform and i did a few jobs. Head of science put everyone's name into a hat for secret santa but i didnt want to do it along with another biologist. I have too much crap on my hands now to be arsed with that.

school finished and we came back for a brew with Ozwald

we walked to the shops for a few bits. I made a point of announcing in front of dad that i went to the shops for myself but picked up food for everyone's dinner that night. As he was an arsehole about the milk on sunday. he knew what i was getting at.

after dinner i dropped Jack off to bungalow

then i looked at hair electricals as me and mum share the same hair electricals such as crimpers, straightners etc so i have been ordering stuff - yet more money!

now i am gonna sit with my Oz and go bed

tomorrow i have school, and i will sleep over at the bungalow

I have also made the decision to move over to the bungalow full time during the christmas holidays. so by 2021 the bungalow will be my new residence. I have talked this over with mum and jack seperately and it seems to be the right thing to do. I break up for xmas holidays 18th December til 4th Jan. I have til then to make my move~

Crying so much over that damn house

 Evening

I havent been doing my diary, simply cus I have not had time to breathe!

my weekend once again was full on....I was so hoping to take a breather this weekend but no

Friday I stayed home

in the morning me and mum went to the shops to pick up numerous things for the house - surprise surprise - we came back and Jack came over for lunch 

then Jack, my brother, my dad went to go fetch a wardrobe from Luke and the rest of jack's stuff

they were gone for a while and then they went to the bungalow and unload. I didnt want to join in as I knew I wouldnt be able to help much or lift anything so i stayed home

we had food

and I stayed over at the bungalow, in the morning we finished off the stupid 2pt milk jack picked up - why he still picking up 2 pint milk like he is still at the flat i have no idea as theres both of us now. So it ran out and we started doing jobs round the house and then mum txted to say her and dad would be over between 10 and 10:30am

so we continued on and my parents came over, the guys were putting up curtain poles and dad wanted a coffee, i went to go and do them all drink, opened the fridge and yeahhh we have no milk

so my dad berated me in front of jack "how you suppose to run a family home when you cant even keep milk in? its pathetic. You need to sort yourself out"

well we hadnt been out yet that morning and also we havent actually done our first food shop yet ether. So its understandable right? mum went home and grabbed a milk and kindly gave it to me so we could have a brew. But i knew my dad was disappointed in me, heck he always is!

they finished up and chris gave me a txt to say he was heading over soon, so i went home and made jack some lunch all the time feeling like i was gonna collapse from sheer exhaustion, walked back over to the bungalow with lunch in hand. gave it jack and the door went, it was chris. so i politely sat and talked with them both, all the time just thinking about my bed and sleep and rest

in the end i left them too it. they were gonna look over at radiators and that.

i came home and slept

my parents had been to the shops, my mum said "ill get them a milk" my dad said "no they can get their own milk"

was this a punishment? spite? principle? it cant be money cus he knows id pay him back for the whole pound it would cost him. So of course it upset me as hes just such a horrible person. i feel hes only helping with the bungalow for something to do, literally

I got up and i walked to the shop, carrying 4 pints of milk and some bread to the bungalow, dropped it off, picked up 'dads milk' and brought it home

so after that

i cried, i sobbed, i cried.

i had had it.

done.

broken.

i couldnt see the point in continuing on anymore

i am getting no enjoyment out the house, its been one big slog and expense, i regret buying it at times. I cant see how i am ever going to be well enough to run a house and look after myself. i havent done anything creative or for myself for 3 weeks now. my dad hates me and always will. and yeah i cried in front of my brother, mum and jack

they all tried to help me feel better but i had to just let it out i think

i was exhausted plain and simple

mum told me to just go relax at the bungalow, she was so mad with dad as it was for his behaviour that i didnt want to be sat round in the atmosphere anyway

we got to the bungalow and jack made me a hot chocolate, i thanked him and then apologised for my outburst of crying. he told me not to apologise and calmly started talking about bungalow stuff to which i lost a few tears to. then i climbed into bed for 9pm.

this morning we got up and i was ok, just a bit tired.

i painted a few patches on the wall before school that i wanted to do at the weekend but ran out of time to do

got to school and julia asked how our weekend was and whilst i got on the subject and told her all that happened i was losing a few tears. im so fragile its untrue. its simply cus im so exhausted. i cant handle anything

during school, i had no practicals but still had lessons to prepare so i did that but i didnt hand anything out. jack did all the running around and i stayed in the prep room and office.

at the end of the day i didnt want to talk to anyone, look happy for others so the last hour i spent with the light off in the office and shut the door, making it look like no one was there, so i wouldnt be disturbed.

at home i fussed my Ozwald and sat with the girls too which was nice and mum had made cookies too. then me and jack ordered a new TV on cyber monday deals. 

he went home and he asked if i wanted to join him but i decided i needed to do something creative so i am gonna do my nails and fuss Oz and drink hot chocolate and screw everything else.

we have said that this week i need a calmer week and a weekend to recharge. i have scalp sensitivity/pain with a constant headache for over a week now. along with my ectopic heartbeat. both these caused by stress. i cant even tie my hair up anymore with out it feeling like someone is pulling my hair out my scalp. its painful. no cure ether. no skin problem ether like no redness. its simply stress.

so thats it now

bollocks to everyone this week, im at my limit now. i am becoming sick

Got another hard weekend ahead

 Evening

Didnt sleep too bad, I did wake up a couple of times, one time convinced i could hear music like mum had left her radio or something, i even checked to see if it was my ipod playing music as I couldnt make out the words being sung, but when I listened closely i realised there was no music...so what was I hearing?

annoying >.>

I decided to start my stronger pain killers today as the increase was from 75mg pregabalin to 100mg

i didnt see it as much of an increase so didnt see any harm or think anything of taking them before work. How wrong I was! It totally wiped the floor with me. I was on the floor a lot of today. In fact I think i have been to sleep twice today. Once was on my lunch break. I have been so useless at work today and I am greatful I didnt have any practicals could I think jack would have had to have covered for me or if i did do them id get them wrong. just zombiefied massively.

couldnt wait for hometime 

we got back and i had a brew with Oz and jack and mum

then we walked to the bungalow and I let jack get changed out of his work wear and we did a couple of small things round the house, he changed the lamp shades in the hall as the lighting was far too harsh and i had got the colours so very wrong! it looked like a brothel! but now i have them just right and I am happy with the colours. I also put up a few bunny stickers and hamster stickers to make it look cute. I also realised that another pair of curtains I have brought are too small much to my despair as its so boring looking at curtains and spending money on them.

i also wrote a big list of stuff i need to get tomorrow from wilkos

we did a small walk round the area as i was shattered but needed to do something

came in and had dinner then jack went home, i showered and looked for new curtains online

gonna go crash now with Oz its only 8:10pm but i am shattered and done. 

tomorrow 

i would LOVE to dance in the morning. I havent danced for over a week or possibly two now, simply cus i am exhausted. I am still exhausted but i am missing it badly now.

then I have Oz to clean out

then I am going wilkos with mum

then we are going to pack my dad's van with the book cases, drop them off at the bungalow pick up the table and chairs jack's mum lent us but we never used and take the back to her, pick up a wardrobe from Luke's house, pick up Jack's furniture and drop it off at the bungalow

then we are done for the day. done

we are saying we want sunday to just breathe and be as we are exhausted and have no more to give. its all becoming a slog. However, we might be having Chris over to bleed our radiators as one is not working and you can see your breath in that room and we cant put stuff in it or decorate it until it is sorted. so yeah we shall see

another hectic weekend!

All this week my scalp has hurt, feels like i have been tying my hair too tightly or something but i havent been and i even use softer hair bobbles so i dont have this issue. My head near my scalp has been then hurting too, a headache but near the top of my head. Found it strange. I mean scalp pain is an odd pain to have if you havent changed hair products or done anything differently. Mum decided to google it, i never bother googling my problems in life, but mum says its stress as its not a skin condition as the skin looks normal. Its caused by stress and anxiety and if my heart rhythm is anything to go by, i can well believe it. God I am getting worse not better! I need people to leave me alone and let me chill out!!!

my first night was a success

 Evening

So last night I had dinner with jack then I went over to our bungalow

we got various jobs done;

he washed up and I dried the pots and put them away so we can see the kitchen surface again

I also cleared the kitchen up and I did A LOT of recycling as basically we had been dumping all the packaging to everything into a space/room and not taking it out to the bin, so I did all that. I put a few things away which i brought over and I showed Jack where I wanted some nails knocking in and he put them in. I certainly did more than him last night. But it was good to get a bit of order in the place as it was just a tip. 

I didnt get as much hung up as I had in mind tho as Jack told me some things need hooks to hang on the wall instead of just a nail >.> i had a strop XD

I had a hot chocolate and some white chocolate buttons with him and read in bed then I went to sleep at 10:30pm, I wasnt anxious or anything actually. I felt fine

I slept pretty well, apart from waking up as Jack was trying to reclaim some duvet XD as I know I am prone to stealing it in my sleep >< 

My alarm woke me this morning and the house was cold but i had chose to get up early and the heating hadnt had time to come on. That and the fact it was minus out there, i only just got my car door open due to frost. I was fine showering in the bungalow as its a cubical shower and I dont always like being in cubical ones but I was actually ok. And the morning was fine too.

School was ok

the practical i did yesterday did not work apparently, so i had a play with it and got it to work, i needed more enzyme than what the instructions said to give so i was glad I got it to work ^^ i always try to get them to work. biology is a tricky beast.

I struggled after lunch to be honest. just it was all a slog. glass equipment i could have easily washed i whacked into the dishwasher and grabbed my sketchbook and paint and sat and painted whilst hannah and luke worked.

then we went home and Jack came back with me and we had a brew with Oz and mum

We had a christmas card from my cousin, she had lovingly hand painted us a cute card and congratulated on our house!

then we ordered a freezer which isnt coming til 18th december....

we had dinner and then we walked to the local shop for bread to go with our soup tomorrow then we walked to the bungalow. When we arrived we had a parcel addressed to both of us and we opened it and it was two cookies. One in the shape of a house, one the shape of a door and decorated respectively. They were moving in gift from Karen ^^ it was really sweet. but theyre too good to eat! We decided to take them to work to have with our brew on our break

I walked home and did my diary and now I am gonna get Oz then die in my bed

tomorrow is friday and just school

trying out my new house tonight!

 Konbanwa

I slept once again, which is a blessing. I needed my alarm as well

I went over to the bungalow for Jack, and was knocking at the door but he wasnt answering, i had txt to say i was on my way and i was thinking "jeez how long does it take to put some shoes on" and rang the door bell. in the end i walked back to my car for the bungalow keys and opened the door to find jack running out the bedroom looking panicked

i was like "whats wrong!?"

he said "the door bell woke me"

seriously -______________- this guy is 27!

so i let him brush his teeth and i grabbed some crisps and chocolate bar and told him to do his shoes up in the car. I put the snacks on his lap and told him to eat something and drove us to work and was only 2mins late. I made him a coffee as soon as we got there. He really hadnt adjusted to the day....

Luke had brought in a shed load of baby cactus for me ^^ i was well happy i just need to put them somewhere now! 

My day went ok and I got through it ok too, and dropped jack off at the bungalow so he could apply the second coat the study whilst i sat with Oz with a brew and mum of course. Then I did 45mins of yoga. Oz sat the entire time on the sofa. So he had been sat there 90mins!!! One lazy bunbun X3

Since then I have been looking for bits to take over the bungalow, mainly bits I can put on the walls actually to make it feel more homey as tonight I will be having my first night at the bungalow! I do feel slightly better about it than what I did at the start of the week. I just hope I sleep and not wake up constantly listening to all the different sounds that house makes compared to this one.

just want to sleep and not be stressed with it all. I am sure  I will be ok

I will have a quick sit with Oz and head on over

Then tomorrow is school really

actually bloody slept

 Evening

I slept! thank bloody god. The alarm was actually needed

I felt better for actual SLEEP

School was fine

i felt so much better and able to cope for sleep, instead of just dragging a corpse and trying to get through the day. The sheer difference sleep makes. I forget. I go so many weeks without sleeping through the night that I forget what it feels like to function on a proper night's sleep

We had lunch and I had my pain killers as usual and for some reason I felt terrible

i could barely keep my eyes open i was drowsy, almost like someone has laced my soup with drugs or something, i was dizzy and in and out of sleep/consciousness on the floor

after an hour i decided no more and stumbled to my working area in the prep room but soon had my head on my arm on the desk and i heard julia say my name to jack about something then Jack called me over. Telling me to come back to the floor til i was better. He said I looked terrible and gave me fruit juice and a biscuit in the aid of bringing some life back into me. it took a little longer and i was back on my feet, i found the fruit juice hard to drink  and didnt want the biscuit but i knew i had no choice in the matter XD

I got the rest of my lessons prepped and then sat painting for the last hour of the day, did some more of the star wars display. then we went home

i dropped jack straight off at the bungalow as he was gonna go paint. I went home for my brew with Oz and mum

then we sat with the girls, then went for a walk

I came back and helped with dinner, I went on my laptop and ordered jack a lamp shade for his study he is currently painting.

 ate dinner alone and then rang Jack asking him if i should bring him his dinner as it was 7:30pm and he said it would be great if i had the energy

so i popped over with his dinner 

and when he finished i helped put away stuff. i cleared away a bin bag and 2 carrier bags and a few boxes of stuff ^^ so that helped jack as i am better at clearing up and organising than he is

we changed the curtains in the bedroom as the first lot were too small - my mistake

so theyre up now and they look good, i wanted orange curtains but instead i got Ochre 

then at 8:30pm I said my goodbyes as i needed to get home, i am tired!

gonna get my lad and have a sit with him

tomorrow is school, i have just 1 practical too

but also i SHOULD be having my first night at the bungalow ><

makes me feel sick when i think about it! if i think too hard about it, it makes my heart go out of rhythm