Deathy morning

 Konbanwa~~~

After our walk I did 15mins of weights and went for a bath, after I asked Jack to come off his game early we watched fruits basket and went to bed

I woke up for a wee in the night which annoyed me. But then I had a good dream about being a vampire.

We got ready for school and all was well in the world, we even got up 10mins earlier as I keep making us late due to stomach issues. However my stomach thought I was trying to get away with it al and went nuclear on me. Literally died on the toilet. I felt sick, it hurt and it would not stop....

I felt so utterly drained after it all. Its not fair. After all that all I want to do is crawl into a ball and lay on my bed until the pain goes. But no I have to dash out the house with a painful stomach and then the journey in the car makes me feel sick cus my stomach is unsettled. My life SUCKS

We got to school and Jack heated my hot bag and I lay on the floor in a ball until the pain subsided.

When I could I got up to do my jobs and I walked in head of science's room he asked if I was ok

I automatically responded with "yeah im fine"

he said "really?"

I said "yeah"

he shut the door and said "youre not your usual bubbly self, whats up"

where do you start?

I know he genially cares and isnt just asking cus he feels he has to. He mentioned about the meal and I said I couldnt eat out right now im too anxious and that I have been struggling with food lately but I was going doctors soon. He asked if anything can be done at school for me. Everything is good at school honestly. He said to take breaks and if I need to go a walk to chill out then thats fine. And maybe ideas on what to do next time if eating out wasnt my thing.

All morning people were asking me "you ok?" so i said to jack "do I look like death or something?" he said "yeah...you look quite deathy" chris saw us and said "you two alright today??" looked at me "youre obviously not" >.> guess I must have looked like death.

I continued my day finding it hard til about 2pm as I would have had some food in me by this point

but I did my bacteria and such. and cleaning up and other practical prepping, I went to the shops for stuff for my practicals too. it was nice to go out in the sun :)

I txted mum asking if she wanted to come over for a brew and so she bought Ozwald over and we had a brew with her. Oz was snoring on the floor X3

I did dinner which was so damn good as I marinated the meat at 9:30pm last night

I will go do a bit of a work out and then bathe, Jack said he will spend time with Oz whilst im in the bath. Then I can pretty much go to bed anytime after that as Jack has asked if he can have a late night. I wanna go bed early so yeah I will give it a go. 

I want to try be in bed early, I will take a sleeping tablet.

I will write my cousin's birthday card too so I can give that and her present for mum to wrap tomorrow as I will go post office on saturday and get that off.

Tomorrow

its school, its also a stew morning so we need to get up and get that stew on! 

I should also have my doctors appointment. However I rang up today and asked if my blood tests were back and the receptionist said no....but it takes up to 3 days. They said "they should have come back on friday but theyre not in" Im gonna ring tomorrow and see if theyre in cus if theyre not then theres no point me in going to the doctors. So we shall see what happens there. 

Just by being asked out to dinner

 Konbanwa~~

I had an alright evening which involved doing a bit of exercise whilst Jack watched dinner with my Ex, some of people on that program.....0.0 dregs of humanity 

He had the bath after me and we watched Fruits basket then was in bed for 10pm

we have been watching Inuyasha final act, however the dvd has gotten worse and worse and now refuses to play....so I have been looking online for another copy. I was loathed to get another as Jack had gifted the series to me at christmas so it felt wrong to buy another but when i talked to him about it he said there was no point in having a dvd that you cant watch. true true.

This morning I actually felt alright, no anxiety. Physically I actually felt pretty good. I cant remember the last time I felt this good for school I really cant.

My day, which I thought was going to be quiet was actually really busy >< I had practicals that I had forgotten about til I saw them written down when I came into school. I got it all done and prepared them with love and teachers appreciated it ^^

I was still feeling pretty good too. Until at 2pm I realised we had an email sent from head of science saying "I have booked _____ at 6pm next thursday here is the link for the menu"

instant panic and anxiety

I cant believe how quickly I was affected by it. Just by being asked out to dinner

i felt anxious about eating food made by someone else so I didnt know what was in it

eating in front of a group of 15

being inside with the public without masks

food made by a stranger 

being late home and too tired for school the next day

having tummy ache after eating food im not suppose to eat

I got a bit teary by this point

Jack said "we dont need to go Jo, its not worth this"

i said "but if I dont go it means you cant go"

he said "to be honest, with covid, I am not keen on going ether. I would rather spend the money on a new anime box set, watch anime and sit with Oz. Thats a better evening in my eyes"

ahhhhh he knows all the right things to say ^^ I only shed a few tears but I felt dizzy and my heart was going of out rhythm. Amazing how that one email made me feel and it was a positive email too it was suppose to be a nice thing to do. But I just cant handle that right now. I dont need to do that to myself. So we put down on the invitation form that we werent attending. Saves us about £60 as it wasnt cheap and we could get a few dvds for that! XD

we collected Oz on our way home, mum said he hadnt done much all day as it had been pretty awful weather. Jack made me tea when we got home then we did dinner which was good. 

Jack did quite a few chores to help me too and then I suggested going for a walk as it was such a lovely evening so we did a short walk it was nice actually. We hadnt managed to get out for a walk at the weekend. We got back and Jack showered whilst I sat with Oz. 

I will do a quick 10min weights video.  then go for a bath I think

We will watch fruits basket later hopefully but Jack is gaming so who knows

tomorrow is school and I have bacteria to grow again

the students bacteria had grown however they had not made a good job of it XD

Never using that again 0.0

 Evening

So last night Jack was gonna be gaming til late he said, I was gonna have an earlier night

I did decide to do an hour's worth of exercise so of course that ate a lot of my evening

I went for a much needed bath, it was quite a hot one, made my skin pink and red kinda hot

I had received in the post my new self heating face pack, it's made my Skin and Glory which is a decent brand here in the UK and can be pricy but I got it for a good price online and I love self heating things

it said to wet it in your hands, scrub into your face and wash after 5 mins

I worked it in but looked at my hands and they looked like I had covered them in butter, you know that feeling and when water sits on top of oil substances. Like that

so I was then trying to get it off my hands but didnt worry to much

I continued to wash my hair, after 5 mins I went under the water to wash the shampoo out and the face pack. But it wasnt coming off.....no matter how much I scrubbed it wasnt budging it was just smearing....so I was going under and under the hot water making myself feel quite dizzy and then I couldnt get my breath I needed my inhaler. Jack was gaming and probably wouldnt hear me.

So I quickly washed my body and staggered out the bath. Laid out on the hall floor semi-covered in a towel panting like I had done a marathon. I couldnt breath but I knew if I just kept breathing I would recover. 

Once I felt able to I got up but I was very dizzy and weak. My face was red but smeared with the grey substance. I then had to use a harsh face scrub to get it off, toner on cotton wool to get the bits off near my eyes. My face was sore T^T I got myself ready and applied plenty of skin care. I then had to wash the bath for the second time that day as the water was sitting on a film of like butter. It felt slippy and oily and I didnt want to slip on it.

But after all that it was 10:30pm!! I was so late. I needed to calm down before bed too as my heart was still pounding and I was sweating.

I climbed into bed around 11:30pm and Jack crawled into bed around midnight I was still awake so at least he didnt disturb me.

I woke up at 8:45am and motivated Jack into getting up at we normally leave for shopping at 9:20am

we had a dash round and were ready for 9:30am. I told him about my face pack, he was gutted I hadnt tried to get him. I had brushed my hair this morning and my hair felt dry. Its because that face pack had sat on top of the water like oil and had dried out my hair >.> never again am I using that. I had used a brazil nut amount and it had done all that....impressive really. Its gone in the bin as I wouldnt want anyone using it. I bought it for £9 its £16 in shops. So not cheap.

We did out food shop but I didnt feel very well going round the shop. I sat down whilst Jack did all the packing at the conveyor and checkout. Felt rough all morning

I came in and Jack made me tea and got me Oz and I did start to pick up

we had a video call with his family for an hour

then did the soup, had lunch and I cleaned out Oz too

I fixed the birthday cards and stuck a few gems on them so they are finished ^^

I got stuff ready for school, I fell asleep for half hour as I was struggling with it all and Jack played on his switch beside me for that half hour which was nice :) 

when we got up we had a brew and then I did some drawing, I watched a tutorial about drawing the outline on a vector layer and the things you can do...impressive. i learned so much. I will one day understand how to use the software properly XD

I am on the tricky bit of the bath next T^T I dont know what to do for a background tho....

I did dinner which was really nice

after dinner a magpie flew into the garden so we both went rushing out to defend Oz but he chased it off himself! Well impressed, I went out with a treat :)

we were gonna do a walk today but it keeps raining and also Jack has an off stomach Im wondering if it is the rhubarb cake maybe?

I might do some drawing but I wont have much time as I have got to do some exercise and have a bath then Jack wants the bath after me 

tomorrow is school

I feel ok about school, since I have started writing a to do list I have felt better about school and not thinking about it so much.

tonight I am gonna treat my hair to hot oil and use a face sheet on my face

need to heal the damage.....0.0    never again.

sticking to korean skin products for sure

Actual time to myself

 Evening

Last night we sat down watching fruits basket and went to bed around 11pm

I woke up at 6:30am thinking it was 7:30am but needed to get up for a wee and my mouth tasted like death, I climbed back to bed and dozed til 7:30am then woke up at 8:30am by Jack coming in asking if I wanted a tea XD I just didnt want an early start so Id have to waste time going to sleep during the day.

I did get up and I had my weekly weigh in, I was not looking forward to it as I felt convinced that I had put weight on this week. But no....lowest I have ever been....62.3kg! So I have lost exactly 2kg since last week! But I had put weight on last week, its amazing how it fluctuates so much. But I am slowly losing it instead of it quickly dropping off. I was back to my 14.1% fat at 44% muscle. Which I was more bothered about. It all made my morning better. I think what might have helped tho is not eating for 13 hours each day. I finish eating around 6pm then I havent been eating anything til 7am next day. Think its called intermittent fasting. You can go up to 16 hours but I aint that obsessed. 

I had a lazy morning but decided to clean the bathroom then got ready to go over to mum's

it was only spitting out so I walked

I went over to do some water colouring! make some birthday cards you know, but I ended up sitting with mum and the girls having a brew then cutting their claws and weighing them 

then my brother was really talkative for some reason today so he kept talking to me which I dont mind but I just wanted to crack on. I didnt get finished til 1:15pm I went over at 10:15am!

But it was nice to see people and mum gave me home made rhubarb cake for Jack, made using our own grown rhubarb plant! It came with the house. It was dead in the winter, I have never watered it and it grew shed loads of rhubarb. Which is poisonous to rabbits but Oz loves hiding in it, he never chews it I think he knows it aint good.

I came home for my lunch it felt good to have painted and done a short walk

I felt tired after my lunch but I was determined not to have a sleep

So instead I did some jobs and eventually got round to emailing my cousin back as I was suppose to do it last weekend. I then did some more on my digital drawing

got the skin coloured in and the heart shaded, but that was about it. Its slow and I am dreading doing the bath and water....

I did dinner, afterwards I bought Oz inside as its raining outside but he feels the need to play out in it. So I have a wet bunny that I have left jack in charge of. He can do some Oz sitting for a change. i have got Jack to do a fair amount of chores today as he said that he wanted me to have a weekend which I guess means him having to do more. He was a bit grumpy earlier but I bluntly asked him why he was being so grouchy he said he was just tired but if you ask me he was just a bit huffy about doing some chores that I usually have to always do. About time he knows how much time I lose to chores.

I will do some exercises later then go to bed by myself. Yup jack has asked for a late night think theyre starting at 10pm so god knows what time he will be in bed but means I can go to sleep when I like. I just hope he doesnt disturb me.....

tomorrow

is food shopping, cleaning Oz out and making soup for the week

I haven't got much else on, these birthday cards need finishing tho, I think cus my mum and brother kept talking to me that I have missed a few bits out --______--  but I feel I might ruin them if I had more water colour to them as it might bleed into the outline.

might get some more actual time to myself tomorrow who knows!

Nailed the bacteria and weekend tomorrow!!

 Konbanwa~~

I managed my exercises last night, once I had finished I ran a bath only then did my stomach decide to die on me. So I sat on the toilet dying, next to my hot bath ready for me. It was like some sick punishment....I was late for bed anyway so I didnt see the harm in staying up later and watching anime with jack. But felt like I needed a more relaxed anime so we watched Fruits Basket and went to bed. I slept well but took me til almost midnight to get to sleep as I was a bit anxious about school

I got up and died on the toilet as thats just how I roll in the mornings

god I felt like death after that

We didnt take Oz to mums as she was gonna come over to see Oz and do some gardening. So we went straight to school and was some how on time

I had a busy day but not as busy as yesterday

I had success with my bacteria

Look at this slope~ Bacteria has grown!

I got it all set up and for the double practical and felt anxious about it all, as soon as it was over I felt so much better! I totally nailed that practical as well~ the teacher (head of biology) was grateful I had done such a good job. I did a bit of reading too and just prepping lessons mainly. Didnt do a lot in the morning as I was like death but my afternoon was much more proactive and productive

we came home and mum was still gardening! she's a bugger she gets too carried away I hope she is ok and not hurting with her back or anything. She came inside for a brew and Jack hit the whiskey as its been that sort of a week. Didnt blame him I was tempted to over dose.

I did dinner when mum left and after dinner went on my laptop and bought a couple of cheap hair clips and then posted my food picture on instagram - Lunatique_designs

Now I think I will do my work out then sit with Oz as he seems busy and happy outside. but I shall see.

Got my exercises to do yet. Jack is playing dungeon and dragons til 10pm so i am on my own anyhow.

tomorrow

thank bloody god it is the weekend tomorrow. To not have to wake up at 6:20am I can not wait.

Depending on how I feel we might go to the shops or I might just walk over to mums and do some painting as I have a couple of birthday cards to make

after that I have no idea what I will do, maybe digital drawing. Its gonna pee it down all weekend again anyway so Im not planning for anything.

my life on repeat

 Evening

I did yoga with Jack, had a hot chocolate and watched Inuyasha then was in bed for 9:45pm I had had enough and slept through the night

Today I didnt have to die on the toilet which was as we were actually on time for school

School was hard, just a  lot to do and a lot of running around, and of course I had my bacteria to do, which had grown over night! I took these cloudy bottles of bacteria to show the biologists - just so they would be happy that I was able to produce results again ^^ Took me ages to get all my jobs done and I was so much pain for whatever reason, pain was just bad today, I also had the headache I have been having for about a week now and of course just being tired.

fed up

I txt mum at lunch saying "think I can manage a tea with you later" but I felt so knackered

got to 3pm I txt her saying "I am done mum, I am sorry but it will just be collection today"

we collected Oz who I had to round up from beneath a heather hes made a warren under. I felt my eyes welling up with tears as I told my mum that I was sorry I didnt have time for her and that I am exhausted.

We came home and jack laid out the picnic blanket and made us tea we drank it outside with Oz who kept running across out blanket as he likes the crinkly sound he can make on it. I relaxed a bit as I had my pain killers. I did dinner whilst Jack showered

I ate dinner and of course had tummy ache. I laid in a ball on the sofa and kept falling asleep, Jack in the end bought Oz in to wake me as he said if I slept now I wouldnt sleep tonight which is totally right and I glad he kept waking me.

So I spent some time with Oz who yawned in my face, did a stretch and poos fell out him  bum -___- incontinent Oz? just gross. Then when i took him home he bit my thumb as he was so quick to snatch the treat from my fingers that he caught me. I know it was accidental so I didnt yell or anything.

Now I will do my exercises as this is my life

I wake up, get ready for school, school, home, cook food, stomach pains, exercises, bath, bed

repeat

and any time I gain at the weekend goes to others and house work

my life

this is my life

I am constantly tired and in pain and have to do things as this my life now

I am doing so well to hold back the tears as I write this

just had enough

I need my body to get better but doesnt seem to be happening any time soon

Jack is gaming with Harvey and Theo, i told him I dont care when he comes off as I will go to bed without him, feel bad keep making him have early nights with me.

Tomorrow is school and thank god its friday. 

I have my big double practical which I will be glad when its over. then it will be the weekend were I have to do all my chores and see family.......I sometimes feel like overdosing just so I can sleep for days but I know overdosing doesnt work that way

well best get on with those exercises

I did so well with my blood test!

 Konbanwa

I had lost the will to live last night -____- I had had enough~

I just felt exhausted and achy, knew I had a blood test in the morning and school and just felt like after half hour dying on toilet that the world just must hate me.

I had a quick shower, listened to the thunder and lightening and went to bed.

Yup I went to bed without even saying goodnight to Jack. He was happy gaming and I didnt wanna put a downer on his evening as I could hear he was happy talking with people so I just took myself off to bed at 9:30pm, he came to bed at 10:15pm but I didnt speak to him I just wanted to be alone.

I slept really well as it goes

But felt totally numb to everything. To say I had a blood test I felt no anxiety. No love for Jack, nothing really, just numb. I still got up with Jack and had breakfast with him and watched him leave. He told me I would be fine and to txt him how it goes. Head of science came to pick him up

I fussed Oz for a bit inside which was nice, then I walked over to mum's at 8:15am, sat with her and the girls which was nice then we went to the doctors. I still didnt feel anything even in the car. I just shut off but cant choose when I shut my emotions to the world.

I was called through as soon as I walked through the doors and I didnt feel nervous. Its so werid as usually I am so worked up by this point

My lovely nurse saw to me and I was sooooooooooooooo good. I actually spoke during my blood test! usually I am mute as I cant even think to talk or im passed out. I spoke and made sense! So strange. This never happens. I also left the room ok too, usually it takes me a while to get into the corridor where I regain myself then I leave. But I didnt need my pit stop in the corridor I just left. I was so good. Mum said I only went a bit clammy as opposed to the bucket of sweat drenched clothes I usually am.

We got home and I had a sweet up of tea as bloody hell I had earned it.

I told Jack how I got on. I sat with mum for a short while then she dropped me off home. I ate some nuts whilst Oz had a quick stretch outside then I gave him a quick cuddle and put him in the garage. I left for school at 11am. Jack and Chris had suggested I had an early lunch at home before I came back to school, however I had said to school id be back around 11am and I did feel ok so I saw no point in delaying it and besides I wanted to have lunch with Jack and Julia. I got to school around 11:20am

I was playing catch up all day at work tho, had a lot to do so I was rushing around and wearing myself out quite nicely. But people asked how I got on - everyone knows Jo doesnt do blood tests. I could actually proudly tell people how well I did. I started my bacteria off as well and got all my jobs done!

I was knackered, Mia had txted to see if I wanted to go a walk but I had no energy for that. I sat down on the sofa, drank my brew and fell asleep for half hour >< shattered.

I was sooooooo grateful I hadnt got to cook dinner as I put stew on before my blood test, the thai stew was bloody amazing.

Jack cleared up, we did some yoga whilst watching Oz in the garden, then Jack sat with Oz whilst I had a bath then he went in the bath whilst I am doing my diary.

We're gonna have hot chocolate and watch inuyasha then go bed

tomorrow got school and a lot of bacteria to be doing

maybe I am improving with blood tests ^^