Returning to work again tomorrow

 Evening

I managed to sleep last night, I did feel off but didnt need to get up luckily, I was feeling anxious about school tho. Stupid when its like over a day away

We woke up at 8am and got up and ready to go shopping, I decided to curl my hair today but even after using 3 products in my hair, my curls fell out. Its important to take care of yourself in bad depression as you can quite easily get into the habit of not caring for your self or your appearance 

I managed shopping 

we got back and unpacked then sat with a brew with Ozwald who was so giddy and happy bless him

then Jack cut up my stuff for my soup this week, it was good to make my cauldron of fish soup and it actually tasted really good. I cleaned Oz out whilst it was cooking

I kept working on my canvas throughout the day

we did a walk which was nice

I didnt get round to dusting my room as I ended up spending an hour on my bed just exhausted. Jack said not to push myself. I was gonna bring over stuff from mums as well today but couldnt face it and didnt have the energy really. So I left it but still went to see mum for an hour and saw the pigs, checked molly's cyst too. 

I came back and I did our dinner ---- noodles!

we havent had noodles since my diet, Jack suggested it and I wanted to try it but didnt want to use a ready made sauce. So I said I would do it if I could cook my own food/meat for it and make a broth and he was cool with that. I totally winged it with how I made it. But I tried to make it look good so I sprinkled sesame seeds over the meal, placed a fried egg on top too and drizzled soy sauce over it :3 it looked really good actually. Jack said it tasted really good ^^

After dinner I did a bit more of my painting, if I am honest it looks total crap right now but I am hoping by the time more colour is on it and an outline it will take shape better

Jack and I are currently sat with a face pack on, part of my self-care. Theres too much for one person in a packet so I got him to join in as well X3 he doesnt mind. I haven't done a face pack in agesssss.Then we will go in the shower and sit with Ozwald. Jack says he doesnt mind having an early night if it means less stress for me. He has been spending a lot of time with me lately cus hes worried. So I feel I take up his time >< He says hes happy to play pokemon in bed tho

i might do my nails tonight as well maybe, or just put a strengthener on them at least

I have got my stuff ready for school tomorrow, I feel sick at the sight of my uniform....

I really want to be back on form and do this, it feels better knowing I am only there for 4 hours. I am sure I can manage 4 hours. But Jack says if I cant then to just stay til break time. 

I can do this, I want to be able to do this.

I have so many people supporting me, I feel I need to build my confidence back up with work.

I told mum I would let her know how I get on and stuff.

I shall do my best

first day of more antidepressants

 Evening

I am currently sat with hair dye in my hair, waiting to be able to wash it off! I wasn't gonna bother again but here I am XD

So last night was my first night of having and extra antidepressant and yeah I felt it...I was clammy, felt sick and white as a ghost. I felt so rotten that in the end I asked Jack if he would get up with me and have a hot chocolate in the hope it would make me feel less sick. It did help and we returned to bed at 11:45pm. To say I felt restless I didnt have any of the stress and anxiety that usually goes with it. So maybe tablets are good for emotions

I slept til 6am after that then woke up at 8:30am

we got up and got ready for the day and was surprisingly out the door for 9:15am. Jack did all the driving this morning and did really well.

we went to the range first and I got some art supplies, as I hope to do a piece to get me out of this funk with art I am in at the moment. So got paints pen, canvases, paintbrushes, varnish. Jack got treats and then we went B&M for stuff school and cider for Jack.

We drove then to the river and went for a good walk. I enjoyed it as it was only 16c today so a lot more bearable. I was done in afterwards

we came home for a cup of tea and a sit with Ozwald, who couldnt keep still long enough to do toilet. I have never known a rabbit to be so excited to pee on a towel before but here we are --_____--

We had lunch then I assisted Jack in planing my cupboard under the stairs door as since the carpets it just wont shut but he got it to shut ^^

I started my canvas by literally doing a grey wash background. Then I went to bed for a bit after I brought up a bit of sick 

when I got up I did a rough outline on my canvas, cleaned the bathroom, went on my laptop for a bit, did dinner, after dinner I started adding colour to my canvas but I am leaving it to dry now.

I tried doing some exercise, did a 12 min video but my body was shaking and Jack agreed I needed to listen to my body and actually rest. 

So I went and dyed my hair which I was gonna do tomorrow but I was in the mood to faff with it tonight so yeah I have painted my hair purple and red again at the front XD I hope it turns out ok!!

Not sure yet what I will do tonight, I was in bed for 8:30pm last night as I couldnt keep my eyes open any longer so I didnt wait for Jack I just went to bed ><

Tomorrow

its food shop, Oz cage clean out, making soup for the week

said I would try see mum too

probably do some more on my canvas and not sure what else really

actually got somewhere with my doctor

 Evening

It wasn't until I got to bed did I realise that I didnt do my diary!!

So yesterday I was lucky to have chris come and collect Jack for school

which I was really grateful of as I was shattered

I spent the day resting really as there wasnt much else I could do! I was a bit of a corpse ^^;

my mum came to see me and dropped off some parcels

I had a telephone call with the doctor to basically ask for some help

this is what has come of it all

for the next 2 weeks at school I will be working til lunch time, I have a doctors note for it

I am upping my antidepressants as of today

The doctor said he had in fact referred me for mental health help

so yeah I dont feel like I am in a pit of despair so much as I now have something to help, something to try

he warned me not to ever overdose on these tablets and that i need to have my blood pressure checked in a month. It increases blood pressure but my blood pressure is naturally low so i am not concerned.

after dinner we walked over to mum and dad's so I could give my brother a mug I ordered him for work as his work mug broke, he was pleased with it then we walked back and that short walk literally did me in. 

In the evening as we had finished Chobits - which was really good - we started watched Ouran high school host club. I have had on dvd for years but jack hasnt seen it

I told him to continue watching the episode as I had to go die on the toilet as for some reason when the night came round, my anxiety heightened. 

we got to bed and I had to dash to the toilet once again. Jo is no longer digesting food it seems. I was dying on the toilet til 11:15pm -_____-

safe to say I was shattered at 6am today. I could have done without the school run but knew I had to get on with it. The closer we got to school the more anxious I felt.

i was so churned up with anxiety that I called into mum's on the way home as I knew she was going out at 9am anyway

so I got to relax with the sows. Molly isnt doing so well with her lumps. Her tummy lump has burst and scabbed over, she has a lump on her leg and mum said she thinks she felt one on her bum earlier. We are unsure what they are fully. The vet says cysts but without an actual biopsy we wont know

she seems fine and doesnt mind you touching them. I told mum to not worry and keep them clean. Bless molly mole

I left mum when she went out and I came home to bed for 90mins as I was shattered

when I woke up I looked at shelving online but didnt see anything I liked. Then I wrote my cousin and email finally.

I had my lunch then mum came round and we went for a short walk, I managed to dust the living room whilst talking to her which gave me a sense of achievement. I also started upping my meds today

mum left when Jack came home

I cut his hair and we had dinner once he had had a shower

it was raining during dinner but as we couldnt see Oz we assumed he was in the garage.  We assumed wrong...we saw a wet bunny run out the bushes -_____- so he had decided to sit in the garage during the day when it was just cloudy but play out when it was raining!?

so I went out to him and he was shivering and shaking his coat. pudding

i tried to towel dry him inside but he was having none of it so I just let him groom himself.

we have given him treats and carrot and hes now snoring on the carpet. Jack sat with him whilst I exercise for 15mins and had a shower.

I will take him home soon bless him

Jack is playing D&D tonight so I am by myself

not sure what we are doing this weekend to be honest

dont wanna do myself in anyway

i have the usual jobs to do anyway

i told jack that when i started my antidepressants i became quite numb, which is a usual feeling with mental medication and these tablets are actually quite nasty as far as antidepressants go. But they work for me! So I warned him i might go a bit detached and to just bare with me. But he seemed fine with it all. He has been on antidepressants before so he knows the score

I made an attempt to work

 Evening

I didnt manage any exercise last night and I felt it as I laid in bed. My body had missed moving about but I was so dead that i simply couldnt

I slept okish

But upon waking up, I just felt so drained -______-

I got to school and I could tell it was gonna be a hard slog

head of science came to see me and asked how I was doing and I told him I was struggling mentally and physically and I am unsure why

by 9:30am I was in tears

My anxiety was so bad that I felt dizzy, sick and like I could pass out

and I have no idea why I am like this 

at 10:20am I was leaving school with Jack who had received permission to take me home and work from home the rest of the day

I had rang mum to tell her we were coming home, she had rang dad who had said we need to go see a doctor, mum rang me to say to meet her at the doctors on the way home. We asked for an emergency appointment but my doctor wasnt in. I was down to see the nurse later anyway so left it at that.

I got home and ate piece of fruit loaf, had a sweet cup of tea and went to bed

i was done. I felt like I had done an assault course

I got up at 1pm for lunch with Jack, then went back to bed for another couple of hours

Mum came over with Ozwald and we had a cup of tea then she took me to see the nurse

she diagnosed me with an ear infection and gave me an ear spray to use which isnt nice >< not had an ear infection since I was baby! I told her I was sent home from work and that the doctor isnt helpful. She looked and said my antidepressiant can be increased and that he should increase it rather than let me suffer. I said I had been referred to the mental health team by the doctor but she said "theres no referral on here" meaning - he didnt do it....that was 2 weeks ago. So she left a note on his work to say "Jo needs a referral ASAP" disgusting. I am just left to suffer like this. So we made an appointment to see a female doctor that only works tuesday mornings - which why I havent met her before. But my nurse said this doctor is more...sympathetic, and recommended seeing her.

I was dropped off home by mum and me and Jack did dinner

then after dinner and my stomach ache, we walked to my parents as I went to give my brother something I had ordered online for him. I only just managed to walk there and back

I had a shower when I came in as I cant have baths for a week cus of my ear T^T

We are all disappointed at how I can not seem to handle work

we are all peed off at my crappy doctor

we are all tired

mental health is draining for the person and for the people around you

I am taking the rest of the week off

Jack is going to speak to head of science and say that I would like to come in just for the mornings then come home to do digital work in the afternoon so then I am still working but away from the working environment and the day wont seem so long and daunting. I am so hoping they are ok with this other wise the only thing I can do is be signed off sick until I get some mental health support or increase my medication.

why am i left to suffer?

if I was diabetic this would be like me being without insulin 

sickening

and they get paid over £100,000 a year....I earn £16,000

chris is taking Jack to work tomorrow which is very kind of him to offer. So if I can not sleep tonight then at least I can sleep in the morning

mum is working 7 doors down in the morning and said she will call in at 11am 

Only Tuesday

 Evening

I slept for 9 hours ^^ I was so damn tired tho and in bed

School was tiring

I did a practical with Julia's daughter who is suffering with anxiety and missed so much school. I was just us two practicing this practical but she got herself in such a state that she threw up 3 times....I told Jack to go get Julia. I made her a sweet tea and gave her my biscoff to get her sugars up. Then I drove her and Julia home as I am good like that ^^ I just hope shes ok....

School was hard tho I struggled loads more today than what i did yesterday

I am worrying about the rest of the week now!!! 

I want to be able to do this!!

Mum dropped Oz over, I had a faffy fish dinner that took me 40mins to cook. I was exhausted and I also had no energy to do any sort of work out tonight. I crawled onto the bed with tummy ache and laid there til I had a bath which was shattering just to wash my self

I watered my plants and took the dead heads off and fussed Oz. Going to take him to bed now.

Watch anime and go bed

exhausted. Its only tuesday T^T

First day was successful

Otsukarare deshita~~~

We watched Chobits last night then was in bed for 10:15pm, I did eventually get to sleep and slept through the night too~ I was woken by my 6am alarm for me to get up and do my yoga ><

It was fine I don't mind doing yoga watching Oz in the garden

We picked up the DT technician on the way to dropping Oz off 

I think it helped having someone different to talk to as it made me less anxious and less focused

I was warmly greeted by people at school ^^ people were happy to have Jo back ^^

I did feel a bit out of sorts like out of rhythm you know what I mean

But I tried my best with it all and it wasn't busy like Jack said so that was lucky!

At 11am I had my meeting with george - head of science

and it was totally chill, I have no idea why I get so worried really

hes only 31 and a lovely relaxed guy

we put some things into place for me like making sure I have time to do art as it helps me cope and de-stress and hes also told me that the school pays into a well being service which covers mental health so to maybe try that as I wont get mental help for a long time. But he was so supportive and such, I do work at a fantastic place I really do.

I helped out in Hannah's year7 class and she was very grateful as she wasn't feeling good and it was a hands on practical. One I wasn't familiar with but didnt take me long to wing it!

I cleared it up for her too~

All in all, I totally nailed the day. I went to tell george at the end of the day that I managed my first day back with success :) 

He was pleased and Jack was very proud of me and said I deserve a milk hot chocolate X3

we picked Oz up and came home as mum was going out walking

I made dinner which was soooo damn good

then I stuck the sides onto my desk which I have been trying to straighten out for days but today I wanted to get it all stuck on and it looks a lot better for that. I will slowly get my craft room done!!

I have got to do some exercise next and I am thinking of dancing

Jack says he doesnt mind sitting with Oz whilst I am in the bath 

tomorrow is school again, not got a busy day but said I would help Hannah out in her lesson again

I have been drawing at school today so I might try and do some more drawing again tomorrow

I hope the day goes well again

my stomach felt like it was in knots all day and after dinner I did get a bit of stomach pain but it passed, I can tell stomach isnt quite right tho you know?

I will try my best again tomorrow~

returning to school tomorrow

 evening

I slept well last night and woke up at 8:30am

so we only just got out the house on time for shopping at  9:30am

I felt anxious round the shop to be honest. Like my breathing was off and I felt dizzy 

then all morning I have been dizzy, headachy, not able to think. And shattered

I didnt do an awful lot I felt, because I was so exhausted. Hayfever does not help T^T

But I managed to clean Oz out, and I tackled this big pot in our garden that has been in the same state as when we moved in. Nothing grows in it. I knew there was an ants nest underneath it however I was not expecting the entire thing to be one big ants nest....dear god what had I uncovered. I felt really itchy after doing that job!!!! I emptied it, washed it out and poured kettle water over any remaining ants RIP

i then planted my new plant I picked up from the supermarket today for £2!

At this point I did ask Jack if we were gonna get any jobs done i.e. my craft room shelves and the front door light + front door number plaque.

He did not seem keen I could tell by his body language and when I asked him what his beef was he said that "drilling massively stresses me out" and that was that. So I said its fine I can leave it but felt it was unfair how I just have to keep waiting for my craft room to get done you know?

so I txt mum saying I felt stupidly anxious and that Jack didnt want to do anything for the house today. she said "do you want me to pop by for a cuddle?" I said "yeah" but thought she half hearted meant it kinda thing

next thing I knew mum and dad were here and dad carrying his tool set!!!! 

and that stressed Jack out massively, he couldnt cope with the spontaneous DIY + dad. He basically locked himself in his office! So I felt a bit awkward and wondered just what was up with him like had I dont something kinda thing. he was making my anxiety worse

dad did a fantastic job of my lighting and number and I instantly felt like the house was more ours when it went up. He was kind enough to do my shelving also and I have filled one with mini plush ^^ I supervised and helped out and was constantly fetching tools and the like. Mum was there so I wasnt left with dad as she knows I was at breaking point

they left once everything was done

I started dinner and jack came down to help without me asking and once dinner was on I spoke to him about stuff but it took a while for him to chill out from it all.

I did some exercise which I enjoyed actually as it was a work out to Kpop so it made a change

had a bath and then changed my new piercing, doing a face sheet with Oz and now gonna watch anime with Jack ^^

tomorrow is school

I do hope I manage, I know I am anxious I know I am

and at 10am I have a meeting with head of department about my absence 

I will do my best 

im taking a sleeping tablet tonight 0.0