Seeing Jack's family and constant anxiety

 Evening

I just ran out of time to do my diary last night!

Yesterday morning I woke up from having not pleasant dreams. Went for a wee whilst Jack went to let Oz out. But he was taking ages....My head said "what if Oz is dead and Jack just doesnt know how to come in and break the news to you" I panicked as my heart sank. I rushed out side shouting Jack, my heart hammering. I said "is he ok!?" he was like "yeah hes just giving me lots of fuss this morning and I fussed him loads back as you know - no school today" I felt so dumb. My heart was still hammering and I felt so weakened by that burst of panic. I told Jack. Oz is fine ^^

So yesterday we got most of our chores out the way in the morning. I cleaned Oz out and did the bathroom. 

I went for a walk with Jack as well. Slept a bit, made some biscuits

I was anxious about going over to Jack's family as I didnt know what we were eating so I was getting food anxiety

We had a bath before going over to Jack's family at 6pm. I was really aching so decided to make it a rather hot bath. Didnt realise just how hot it was tho, I was glowing red for almost an hour afterwards!

on the way over to Jack's family I felt sick in the car with anxiety. Its weird its like I felt panicky about being out the house at that time of day. Gotten so out of going OUT

We got to Jack's family and we talked with his family, met Enzo the white kitty who is very handsome and actually alright for a cat. I watched the bunnies several times as Skyla is so damn cute!! <3 

Jack's mum had made a dinner I was able to eat bless her, it was chicken breast and vegetables it was all really nice actually. Made a change not to have to cook as well! There was ice cream and strawberries afterwards but I wish I didnt have the ice cream as I didnt like it that much and it made me cold!

We sat and talked for a bit after wards and left at 9:45pm. I was shattered. I think we left because I couldnt stop yawning and looked tired. Just exhausted as usual. On the way home I saw a man in pink 'dress' with his mates and he was just peeing against the bridge which is a main road....gross. Some people have no shame. Doesnt make me want to go out in the evenings anyway when you see idiots like that around....

We got home and had Oz out and had hot chocolate with him whilst watching anime. Oz was dead giddy and hyper to say it was like 10:30pm. He usually in bed at this point XD

I slept pretty ok I guess, had a cuddle with Jack in bed which is nice as theres no time for that before school at 6am >< 

We got up and went shopping, I felt so sick with anxiety before I left. Going round the shop I couldnt think, my heart was pounding and I felt dizzy. But we got it done! It was getting busy as we left tho. Im guessing people were going shopping for the football match tonight - we will probably be able to hear it whilst we are trying to sleep -_____-

we unpacked and had a brew with Ozwald

Jack helped me with my soup then he went to go cut the grass and tidy the garden a little bit. So I finished my soup, put the pots away and made him his lunch he came inside and we ate together :)

I had a bit of a sleep after lunch

then got up and stitched a rabbit japanese cloth so it can hang on the wall and Jack hammered in two nails so I could hang it up ^^

it sits next to the plushies

 I fixed a top of dad's as well. Then I started a card for a teacher at work who has been off work and I wanted to give her a little card to say we missed her and we will support her. 

Whilst it dried we went for a walk

I came back and had fruit loaf and a brew and finished the card

I did dinner which was 'omurice' but more 'omubeans' it was sooooo damn good. I made it all up but both me and jack said we would eat it again!

I did my first order off Boohoo and got a lot of stuff and saved a lot of money. Theyre having a big sale cus of the football and so I treated myself to more joggers and hoodies XD

Now I am gonna have a bath, do some drawing and see the lad. I got my stuff ready for school. Going to wear my space skirt, its long enough that I feel comfortable not to wear tights. So hopefully it will keep me cooler. I still dont want to go tho

so yeah tomorrow is school and mum said she will come see me for lunch as shes missed me :)

met the school councillor

 Evening

I slept really deep last night, like proper deep sleep for whatever reason

cant say I felt any more refreshed after it >.>

still didnt want to go to school

we had Oz inside this morning as we let him out and 3 mins later a cat came into the garden and it obviously scared the crap out of him so I had to get him and calm him down. He soon forgot about it all when he realised he was playing inside in the morning and didnt want to go home ether!

School

I had my first session with the councillor at 8:15am

didnt get out til 9am

it was ok I guess, I dont feel I got anything out of it as I literally just told her my life 

she was very nice but dont feel like she had a lot to give somehow

she said 

"you need to be kinder to yourself"

"youre too hard on yourself"

"its no wonder you feel crap you have so much going off"

yeah I came away needing caffeine 

I somehow and I mean SOMEHOW got my lessons prepped then left 

head of science was teaching as I walked out but he shouted me and left his class to ask how I had got on and cheered me on for doing another week. And could tell I was struggling as I looked like death and I felt it! I wanted nothing more than to sleep for 5 hours

i came home and mum turned up as I did~

we had lunch and a quick sit then it was just all go this afternoon ><

we went to two small shops for a few bits, I got my paint for my porch door

then we came back and I sheered truffs, gave her a proper short cut as shes getting too warm. She was so good whilst I did it, I think its because she knows I am relaxed when doing it and its to help her. She does not let mum do it but mum is on edge when doing it and I think animals pick up on that. Then we bathed all 3 of them so I bet truffle is lovely clean and soft now! I even trimmed her tummy fur just to try and keep her cooler.

Then I sat with a cup of tea and fruit loaf and then I grabbed a few bits from my old bedroom such as my sewing machine! shes finally over here! I feel reunited!!

mum dropped me home at 4pm and Jack was home

we sat for a lil while then I had a full sesh in the bathroom

eyebrow bleach

epilated

shaved

lazered

face pack

its hard being female ^^; 

of course its all for my sake no one elses

Jack had a shower after me, we had dinner then I thought "I have some time to draw"

but my brother rang for 80mins which is fine I like speaking to him. I just havent had a single minute to myself today! So now I am doing my diary and I have got to go have Oz inside for his evening sit and I have got to do some yoga as I havent done any exercise today I am exhausted but need to do something. So I said I would do yoga with Oz in my pyjamas

tomorrow

it will be nice not getting up at 6am

I plan to clean bathroom and clean Oz out and try do a bit of exercise before I go over to Jack's mum's house for dinner

think that will literally be the day!

but I have completed another week~ 

work in progress - umbreon and flareon

 Evening

I slept ok last night, I mean it took a while to get off to sleep as we could hear people shouting for miles over the bloody football -_____- 

I woke up at 4:30am for a huge wee but managed to go back to sleep

we both woke up a few mins before the alarm and even got up!

I didnt want to go school and felt quite sick going

Jack literally held my hand when it came to prepping practicals

I spoke to the print technician about mental health for a while too

I got my day done

and head of science brought us a big packet of white chocolate buttons to say sorry for forgetting to take Jack home, he made sure to bring him home today tho XD

I came home at lunch and had lunch with mummy, the girls came over as our grass is longer than theirs XD and then mum left me to go to sleep which I kinda did for an hour

I did some drawing and looked at stuff online for mummy

Jack came home and I had a cup of tea with him then we went for a walk as it looked like rain so we thought we would go before dinner and its a good job we did as it rained during dinner, we had Oz inside with us whilst we ate as I knew he would sit out in it -____-

Think I will go for a bath in a minute then I can sit and draw for the rest of the evening :) 

I will sit Oz again as well

tomorrow is last day of school this week

at 8:15am I have my first meeting with the school councillor who I have never met but hopefully it should be beneficial. Feels like a long week this week actually  

here is how far I am with my umbreon and flareon picture

Jack got left at school + mummy's canvas

 Evening

I didnt sleep well. I had 3 nightmares. I was screaming in my sleep for someone to wake me. Whether I was actually screaming out loud we will never know as Jack sleeps like the dead

Didnt want to go school

felt sick going to school

School I found difficult. I knew this A-level practical was approaching and its a hard one but I had to actually look at it today. Jack looked at it with me. I broke down in tears. Literally cant handle it.

He said he will help me all the way with it tomorrow

I didnt want to talk to anyone today, just didnt want noise or people

couldnt wait for the day to end really. 

I wasn't going to see my mum today but she turned up before I could text her XD

I felt better for seeing her. Soon went to bed when she left and forgot to set my alarm so I just slept til late. Jack was late coming home didnt get in til 6pm! Head of science said he would give Jack a lift home and ended up going home without him!!! Poor Jack!

I offered to go get him but the time I would get there and back it would be no different from Jack getting a bus as it was tea time traffic. So I stayed  home and made banana biscuits. Got dinner ready for Jack 

I did some drawing as well

After dinner I did 15mins of fast dancing then had a bath

we are just in with Oz who is just spoilt bunbun

Mum fetched my doctors note today and they have signed me off sick!!!! I asked for the altered hours note to continue but instead they have signed me off sick!! How annoying. I am gonna take it to school tomorrow and ask if it will be ok otherwise I will have to get another note >.>

Don't wanna go tomorrow again

Here is mummy's canvas

Good to have Jack back

 Evening

I was sicky anxious when I went to bed last night

just didnt want to go to school in the morning

and was hoping Jack  would be at school to support me

This morning Jack was like "I'm really hungry"

not surprised as he hadnt eaten really 

so he had fruit loaf with honey on, so a plain breakfast and even had mint tea instead of coffee!

I didnt want to go school but was relieved i would have Jack by my side

At school I got my jobs done and the practicals sorted

but its like I literally feel I can not cope if someone orders a practical

ive got bad practicals coming up so god know what Im gonna do then!

I finished painting my space duck and took a photo, I will upload it~ I took it down to the office where the other ducks are kept - waiting for their big race, the competition in style is pants XD

Julia's daughter sarah came in, and I got her making up sugar solutions for me which she managed. Its a case of starting small and building her confidence up

I was saying stuff like "if you need a break feel free to have one. Or if you need a minute just go quietly sit on your mum's chair"

it wasnt til I got home did I think "WHY CANT I BE LIKE WITH MYSELF!!??"

I made it to lunch time then came home

mum came over to have lunch with me and Oz. Oz sat in hay basket snoring away whilst we talked. Its been windy and rainy out so hes not wanted to play out much today. Mum said she would like truffs's fur cutting this week. She said "im sure having long and unruly hair makes her behaviour and ADHD worse" I laughed. We say truffs is feral and has ADHD. I love her and she loves me. Id keep her if I could. Mum likes her really but truffs doesnt have any time for mum XD

I went to bed and when I got up i finished making the clay chimeacho wind chime for Jack's birthday next month, just needed to attach the chimes was all  but it finished it off nicely.

I went and did some drawing as well on my laptop

I started dinner by myself and Jack couldnt get a lift home til late so I didnt want him stressing about helping out with food so I got on and did it which was fine he did help when he came in at 5pm

we had dinner then went for a walk

the weather wasnt great but I was glad of the fresh air although I was tiring out despite it being a short walk.

I had a bath whilst Jack cleared up the pots from dinner

Now I am just in the lounge doing my diary whilst Oz has a hop round

I said I might do my nails tonight as I havent done them in weeks!!! I stopped as my nails were so brittle but they seem to be doing better lately but I kinda just stopped caring about them. I need to make more effort with myself. So I might do a simple design on them during anime tonight

tomorrow

its school T^T its also stew morning so bit more of a hectic morning but we get it done

dont wanna go school, today was a bit better tho. Think my confidence took a knock yesterday. I was glad to have Jack back at my side

mum said she will come over for lunch if I want her to, heres the card she got me on my bedside cabinet ^^

Full on stressful morning - Jack's fault

 Konbanwa~~

I could not sleep last night, proper wound with anxiety, was starting to feel sick

so yeah took a while to sleep -______-

This morning I did not want to go school, but seems there was bigger issues at hand

namely that of Jack and his arsehole

in the hour I was up before school he had to literally run to the toilet 4 times, he was pale as well

he said he did not trust his arse in the car to make it to school

I think it was the curry leftovers. I think the curry should have been consumed on the saturday night not the sunday lunch time....especially as one of those items was a yoghurt thing. Yes it was fridged but I still think it maybe shouldnt have been eaten yesterday ^^; he doesnt learn >.>

So I had to go to school by myself!!!!!!

I was ok about this but my body was fuelled by adrenaline, I was sweating, my heart was going out of rhythm and I felt sick. 

I DID NOT GET A SINGLE BREAK FOR 4 HOURS

the whole time I was school I was on the go

even our tea break was ruined by teachers, who despite can see you with a brew in one hand and biscuit in the other, still stand there shouting demands at you for things that dont have to be done that very second -_____- I was stressed as hell. I also had an physics demonstration to do for first period which I was why out my depth for so asked head of physics for help. I got the equipment and handed it to hannah there was no way I knew how to set it up.

Julia's daughter - sarah - she came in and she didnt get to do much work with me as Julia kept taking her off but that was fine, I didnt mind.  Im sure I will get my time to work with her. We got to talk about anime for all of 3mins.

I left school, and felt like running to my car. I kept it together all the way home

but as soon as I got through the front door and saw Jack I just broke down crying

I had been so stressed and exhausted that I think it just all came out as one release

poor Jack, not what he wanted to see when I get home!

I rang my mum and told her about the day.

We had lunch and then I went to bed

Jack had been to the toilet in the double figures. At 3pm he threw up but said he felt much better after that. He bought his lunch up. But since he has not had to go toilet. 

Dinner was really good even if I was the only one eating. Jack later did himself buttered toast, which I didnt hear him do as I had fallen asleep again 

He offered for me to have food but I said no as I have been greedy lately but he was able to justify everything I had eaten today so asked

"are you saying these things to make me feel better or am I having an issue about food lately?"

he said "No Jo you have been having food issues lately"

I think I am over eating, over indulging 

I need to watch this....

I did a bit of yoga then had a bath

I am hoping that Jack is at school tomorrow I can not face going in alone tomorrow

im sure he's hoping hes feeling better think hes fed up of the bathroom scenery today!

I rang up for my altered hour doctors note to be extended by the doctor until 16th  

wet bunbun again

 Evening

We didnt got to bed til 11pm T^T

I woke up at 7:30am needing a wee and a drink

I left Jack in bed for another hour

I had fruit loaf for breakfast but in total today I ate 5 slices.....woops...greed....

We did our weekly shop but I ended up getting a trolley too as we needed so much stuff for work that it wouldnt fit in our trolley. That wore me out

We had a brew when we came in

then Jack helped me with my soup, I left that cooking and cleaned the bathroom but felt tired, I did it tho.

We had lunch then I helped Jack take the kitchen door off its hinges. We never use it and its so narrow getting into the kitchen, the door does not help its in the way and I have wanted it gone for ages. But it was so difficult!! Its gone and we both said how much better it is for it!!!

I went to bed for a hour

woke up and went to mum's for 90mins for a brew and sit with the girls

I came home and baked some biscuits and then did dinner

after dinner I went on my laptop then did 40mins of exercise, had a nice long warm bath then I had to rescue Oz in from the rain as I was in the bath and Jack was oblivious gaming. Oz doesnt have the common sense to run for cover. So he is in with me feeling sorry for his little self. Hes always sitting out in the rain.....

Might cap the day off with milk hot chocolate as I seem to be having the wrong things all weekend!

Tomorrow is school

I am a bit anxious about it already

and I just dont want to go. simple