managed my first week back, bones showing

 Konbanwa~~

I slept pretty well last night again! Jack tucked me into bed again, in all my layers. Literally woke up feeling like id been steaming myself all night XD everywhere was a bit damp under the layers

He told me I was grim

We dropped Oz off and I was lucky enough to catch mummy outside so a had a quick cuddle ^^

We got to school and yeah the day was ok really

I set a practical out really nicely for a teacher, I took some chocolate to the printing technician, I checked on the art technician whos been on her own all week (art teachers all got covid!) I did a little lilo and stitch laminate for chris (his favourite character is stitch) so I was helping keep everyones spirits up

Mum told me Oz was ok and the jacket I ordered for her she really likes it and was asking if it really was ok for her to have it. I was glad. I like to do things for people ^^

I had a 40min power nap on the floor at work I had burnt myself out a bit today I did get so much done!

I was glad to finish today, on the way home I went to the range with Jack for a sketch book and garden stuff.

mum met us at my house and I had fruit loaf and tea ^^

I realised tho I had brought the wrong type of sketchbook, in my defence i was tired and couldnt think. But this one will get used for something. I ended up ordering 'pink pig' sketchbook which are my all time favourites! expensive but good quality and what I used for EVERY project at college I must have spent almost £500 on sketchbooks in those 2 years!

we had dinner and then I laid on my bed jack went to go game

I motivated myself into doing 30min exercise however much to my dismay i picked up my ankle weights and the sand fell out, its got a hole in it!! I picked the other one up and that too has a hole in it!!! D: I only used them yesterday! I used them all the time. So I put my wrist weights on my ankles and held small dumbbells which as actually really difficult! theyre heavier than the weights i tie round me. I want to go replace my weights!!! no point in repairing them its just gonna keep happening.

I had a long bath til i was a prune then did a good skin care routine by which point jack came downstairs he had finished gaming 30mins early. Typically the friday I am not ready for him and he finishes early! Im usually sat waiting by 9pm  so we are sitting with Oz together now then we will watch some anime

not sure what we are watching as we finished first season of noragami last night ^^

I told mum about my ribs showing she didnt know what to say really. when I was washing my body tonight tho I was trying to massaged a muscle in my neck and i noticed how much my collar bones show and they werent visible at the start of the year....

tomorrow

guess its garden work and a few chores

such is the life -_______-

done my first week back tho!

First step in my 5 year journey

 Konbanwa~~

I got Oz in, who had clean toilet but decided to pee on my carpet....why god why? I was shattered

I slept pretty well despite how I was feeling last night

just woke up cold a couple of times really

Didnt want to go school, felt too nervous about biology lesson

We dropped Oz off who was not impressed with being dropped off

We got to school and printed my booklet off for my first lesson 

and I got going with work, mum sent me photos of Oz chewing her plants.....T^T

I had my lesson which Jack told me to go to like I needed telling!

I sat by myself and yeah it was fine. A LOT TO TAKE IN

I knew nothing! our first topic is cells. I have heard of words but not knowing the meaning and today was all about parts of the cell. I wrote a lot, paid attention, didnt doodle. But god its so much to take in. I suddenly panicked thinking "this is lesson one of a 3 year course then I sit an exam based on all this! how do I remember it all!?" I felt stupid and my GCSE seems miles out of reach. But its good to learn. I might just have to learn my own way and do some art or something because someone endless talking for an hour isnt how I learn. Its too much info. I tend to learn a sentence someone says not an hour worth.

I came back to the prep room office and crawled into a ball under my desk

jack was like "it couldnt have been that bad!?" I said "i know nothing Jack! and I have so much to remember!!" He went through it all and said he will happily go through bits with me. And to be honest some stuff he said did make it sink in and explain it better so I understood it.

Luke came in and told Jack I sat very nicely XD

so thats my first step taken in my 5 year journey. 3 years for a GCSE and 2 for an A-level

I got the rest of the day done with my 2 practicals and my list of jobs.

we collected Ozwald on the way home, came home for brew and fruit loaf. I noticed tho the heads off all my sunflowers have gone....they were there this morning now theyre gone. Im guessing its headless horseman squirrel style.

we did dinner and now I am doing my diary whilst food goes down then I would like to work out. I could feel stress building today and I would like to work that stress out and sleep tonight.

so work out, bath, Oz, anime. The usual

tomorrow it is friday then thats the first week done!

should be seeing mum too tomorrow.

oh I forgot to upload it i know its random but here is space duck I did for the science department last term. He was naked and yellow then I painted him. He didnt win anything XD

literally felt every hour today

 Evening

OH MY GOD I SLEPT

like a friggin' achievement 

I felt so much better for actual sleep too

This morning I wasnt sure what to wear, so I put on my thinner tights in the hopes that it would warm up. It did not. I have been cold all day -______-

I have felt EVERY HOUR of this day

how can time go so slow!?

the day was never ending like just people wanting stuff left right and centre, like a constant conveyor belt of staff wanting crap I feel like I am forever sorting people out and their lives!!! Ugh!!! I can tell I am back. I did have a 20min lay down at lunch cus I was like dead

We have a helper in, shes an ex-student from last year doing a gap year so we have her 3 hours a week the rest shes gonna help in lesson :3 shes really nice I dont mind her. The only person I have ever met who was totally home schooled tho. I would HATE to have not gone school

At home time we picked Oz up and came home for brew and fruit loaf as I was starving!!!!!

Mum said Oz hadnt done anything all day......wish I had done nothing all day I was knackered

what I thought was gonna be an easy dinner needed more work and I needed to make more biscuits....

we had dinner and I had stomach ache for almost an hour afterwards. Life is not fair. I had been cold all day, ached, stomach ache and just, I just had no more to give so I didnt exercise as it was too late by time stomach ache passed. So I had a nice bath then went to get Oz in

WHO DECIDED TO WEE ON THE CARPET!!!

like are you trying to stressing me out further!? I felt like crying. I cleaned the carpet and took him home as he didnt deserve to stay in after that. He knows better and even had a clean toilet tonight. No excuse for what he did.

I had a biscuit and it gave me stomach ache so I have stomach ache to go to bed with

yup not happy

want to overdose and not wake up basically

trying to think positively tho as I have my first Biology lesson tomorrow! at around 10am. Bit nervous but I want to do this.

I hope I sleep tonight. Body and mind is shattered but done no exercise and got stomach ache and endless thoughts about how fat I am. So I am not holding out a lot of hope

First day back, even Oz wasnt feeling it

 Evening~~

Could I sleep last night? when I actually needed sleep T^T I was awake til 12:30 with my thoughts going through loads of random crap >.> I got up for pain killers and stayed up til 1am

I came to bed and did sleep but had a dream I started a new course but was struggling to do it because of my dyslexia and was upset

I woke up at 6:15am to the sound of my alarm. Ugh an actual alarm >.> did not want to get up today. The only saving grace was wearing non-uniform

We got up and got the dinner on for this evening and got ready for school

when Jack got Oz up at 6:15am he said Oz had a right face on him like "what ungodly hour is this!?" he only gave Jack one lick whereas he usually get loads XD even Oz wasnt feeling it 

we dropped him off for bunny daycare

We went to work really not wanting to. Who wants to go back

I spent two hours in the morning talking the art technician as he art teacher was off with covid, and she didnt know what to do as she didnt feel she wanted to sit with all the teachers in the hall and catch covid, I told her I never go in and was waiting for occupational health to call me - who never did....

So I was tired from talking, it was free tea time so I got my tea and hurried to drink it as it was so noisy with all the staff there. I went to escape to Chris's room. He was working by himself and rather stressed but i am always welcomed there. Chris's office is a safe place. No science teachers tend to go down to his office for starters! I was sat there talking to him when a guy came in and gave me a good look then asked Chris if he was ok. Chris said he was and when the guy left he gave me a really pointed look I kinda thought "whats his problem?" and noticed he had a different school badge to mine and I thought "someone from another school, if cant be bothered to introduce himself I aint gonna bother introducing myself" and chris sighed when he went and was like "im gonna get a message in a minute" I said "how come?" he said "oh that was head of IT for the trust of schools, like my head head boss. Hes gonna be wondering why youre in my office, and at my desk no less" woops XD how was I to know!?

I worked til lunch then ate my lunch up in the office by myself as Jack and Julia were having school lunch which was on plates so they couldnt come up stairs but to be honest I was glad of the quiet as all day I had talked......so much socialising.....not used to it!

After lunch we had a department meeting and said to Jack I was running out of energy and thinking power and I needed organising so we did my to do list and he wrote on thursday "go to lesson" XD yes my first biology lesson is thursday! I did some more jobs and helped Jack then did computer work as I was knackered. It was just one thing after another. Like as soon as you go to do one of your jobs about 3 people come in talking to you or just wanting things cus your a technician!!!!!!!!! god my head was spinning. I couldnt want to finish.

Mum came to drop Oz over and stayed for a cup of tea and I had fruit loaf too as I needed treat~

I did dinner which wasnt hard as we put the pulled pork on this morning. After dinner we prepped from tomorrow's dinner as its a curry to put on in the morning 

Now I am doing my diary and gonna do some exercise then have a bath or shower. Jack is just having a quick game with the guys. I hope it helps him unwind a bit

we will sit with Oz and watch anime

school tomorrow

please god let me  sleep

but as first days go it wasnt too bad. Its just a lot sometimes

Its school tomorrow T^T freedom over

 Konbanwa~

My last day of freedom T^T

So last night I took a calms sleeping tablet but I cut the middle man out and just slept straight on top of my covers, didnt bother getting into the bed. Meant Jack couldnt cuddle me but I just knew Id be up otherwise. This gave me a better chance of sleeping

AND I SLEPT!!!

i actually bloody slept! Unbelievable 

I slept through til 8am in my dressing gown, I was so cosy ^^

I got up and Jack made me tea and fruit loaf for my breakfast

I did a bit of digital drawing this morning and made some biscuits to snack on

then at 10:30am I went over to my parents and sat with mum and dad with girls on my knee

told them about our plans for the garden and I asked my dad how much car tires are that no one wants he said theyre free! woop! If we can save money we damn well will! But they liked the ideas we have so I feel we have a goal now to work towards. Dad said he even has 3 tires to get rid of so he will pop them over at some point. I went to talk to my brother for a bit. Took another draw from my old bedroom and then I went home for my lunch at 12:20

After lunch I really wanted to sleep! But I need to sleep tonight so I have stayed awake today!

I feel ok after my covid jab I mean I am a bit tired but I am used to that. My arm is sore, hurts more than first injection anyway. Jack says he has a headache and hes been tired all day too. Hes done well as he mowed the grass today and came on a 40 min walk with me. 

I put my stuff away from my draw it mainly tat so I chucked a fair bit away to be honest.

then I dyed my eyelashes 

I also got all my stuff ready for tonight's pamper sesh

I have hair oil, face bubble pack thing, face sheet, fancy bath salts.

I want to feel pampered for school~

i also got my outfit out for tomorrow as its insec day so we can wear what we want

im going in a pink anime tshirt, pink tutu, pink tights, pink hair bow

Jo will be sugary cute X3

Jack ordered some membrane for the garden so I feel we are slowly making progress. It needs the rockery sorting next so we can start planting plants. Mum said she would plant things whilst we are at school which is nice of her.

We sat with Ozwald too who demanded treats then had a long wash. I cant believe he is shedding twice. His whole coat is being shedded for the second time this summer T^T it never ends.

I think I will do some drawing then go enjoy my bath pampering session then sit with Oz then watch anime with Jack before bed and get an early night

tomorrow

is my first day of school for this academic year

I will be starting my own academic year. As I will start my biology GCSE this week!

I dont wanna go back in a way cus its work and I have a taste for freedom. But its also finding the energy for work, looking well for people, talking to people, thinking about science constantly. Yeah its all very draining. I am hoping it will go ok tomorrow. I have pulled pork to put on in the morning as well. Dropping Oz off mum's for bunny daycare and I am sure he will come back shattered XD Just as I am sure I will be shattered

I hope I sleep again tonight I will sleep on top of covers again

Last Covid Jab

 Evening

We went to bed at like 10pm and Jack fell asleep pretty fast

I couldnt sleep tho. Despite not having a sleep in the day and doing an hour of exercise I just could not sleep so I got up, pain killers, etc til 1am

I slept pretty ok from there but I keep having to sleep in my dressing gown and on top of the covers I just find the bed too hard. Theres nothing wrong with that bed its just when my pain is having a flare up. I did this at mums on my single bed. Just happens occasions where I can't sleep in my own bed! Its sad tho as I like to be close to Jack T^T

This morning we got up for our weekly shop and picked up a cute bunny print cushion that was reduced to £6! My anxiety doesnt really exist anymore whilst shopping now its good :) taken long enough!

We got back and Jack unpacked, I brought Oz in and we had a cup of tea with him and I had some fruit loaf and Oz was just being cute

Jack helped me cut up my stuff for my soup and whilst that was cooking I cleaned the bathroom and was emailing someone on gumtree. Jack was outside with Oz gardening whilst Oz pretty much did everything he could do bother Jack XD nudging his bum, nudging his hands, sitting where he is working. Thats my Ozwald~ Likes you to know he is there

We had lunch and I told Jack I had been getting replies and then at 1:45pm we went to go meet someone in the next town to buy his wheelbarrow! Wheelbarrows new  are at least £100 we got this one - which is in great condition - for £25! So Jack feels better that we have one what with our plans for the garden :) we dropped it off home and I had a biscuit I made then we went for our second covid vaccination.

I was nervous, I had been saying all morning I was nervous and didnt want to go XD The guy who lets you over to a nurse saw how anxious I was and let Jack go with me. The nurse could tell how I was and I was taken into the same room as last time to lay down and have it done. I had 3 members of staff with me - over kill! XD I felt like such an attention seeker. I was told to count back from 20 but when the nurse touched my arm my counting went wrong I couldnt count! how embarrassing! Once jabbed Jack was taken to a seat somewhere to have his jab.

I took a bit of time to be able  to sit up. As I had worked my self up a bit. To say I was only laying down my cheeks were very warm. They got me some water and I did come round but I could tell I was dizzy and felt a bit faint. I knew I would be good for some fresh air

so we did make it to the car and Jack drove, I had the window down and came round a bit more

when we got home Jack made me a very sweet tea and gave me fruit loaf as I needed reviving!

I went straight on my bed as I was exhausted from my trauma XD Jack came to me an hour later saying we needed to do dinner. So I did dinner, we had that then I laid on my bed

Jack came to see me to see what was up and I said that my head was playing up. That I havent exercised to day, I have had fruit loaf + biscuits, how fat I will be, had ice cream twice this week. That crap you know. But he talked me through it and I felt a bit better. I did 15mins of yoga to help things too then had a really nice bath

Now just doing my diary and gonna get Oz in. Jack said he will sit with us and stuff so I have his company tonight anyway

God knows if I will sleep tho tonight ><

Tomorrow

ahhhh tomorrow....our last day of freedom.....so sad

I would like to see mum. I want to see her. I dont wanna go anywhere as I am not sure how I will feel after my jab and also its bank holidays so people will be everywhere.

I am glad I have had my jab tho. Takes 2 weeks to become fully effective. I am grateful. We are very fortunate here. And the nurses were lovely. I feel a bit better about it all now. I know I am not immune to covid but I feel better about it all 

we have garden plans!

 Evening

I went to bed, and cried

Thinking about life too much i.e. my health and I cried silently on Jack's chest. He noticed when he top was wet. So I talked about it but it wasnt anything like major but once the lid on my emotion jar is off sometimes its hard to put it back on. I bottle a lot up that jar always makes the most of being open! I couldnt sleep. Jack told me to wake him if I couldnt sleep. But I just needed to be alone to be honest. So I stayed up til 1am dosed up on pain killers. 

Woke up at 8am

Mum popped over with a delivery of her stuff she wants sewing/fixing then she left 

We went off to Tara's new house

unfortunately she wasnt in but I hadnt told her I was coming, not that she would have let us in, shes very covid-aware. But it was literally in the middle of no where. It was lovely but I couldnt live that far away from everything....her house looks lovely. I have no idea how much that must have cost her....cus its 4 bed in a lovely area. Shes outdone us anyway! I can't wait to see the inside. I left her present behind James's car. I then drove us home. Jack came along to keep me company

we came home and had a brew with Ozwald.

I then cleaned him out and then we talked gardens....I showed jack my painting from last night so he could picture it a bit more what I have in mind. Then I suggested tires as platers and showed photos of what other people have done and he was down for it all and feels happy with our plans theyre not horrendous. Yes they will need our time and effort but price wise it shouldnt cripple us! I need to run my plans past my parents as i like their input. then after that talk we had lunch

I went to bed after lunch but couldnt sleep so I got up. I wasnt tired and was just doing it to kill some of my day really. But I got up and did the sewing jobs that have been steadily mounting up but I got them all done and then I had a brew and fruit loaf by myself as Jack was gaming with friends

he came off it to my surprise and he went to do an hour of gardening and I did an hour of exercise. The video says it burns off 800 calories but I cant see me burning that much off. I had my weights attached. I am gaining muscles on the underneath part of my arm now! Jo is hench XD

I had a shower cus I was dripping my clothes were soaked. Jack had a shower then we did dinner which was good. I sat and did some more diamond painting then went out to Ozwald and watered some plants. Now doing diary and gonna get him in.

Tomorrow

food shop, clean bathroom and make soup then at 3:15pm we have our 2nd/last covid vaccination T^T