My tara is married!

 Evening

Well I certainly had a better night than the other night ^^; I struggled to sleep and very much missed Hammington.

I woke up at 7:40am and woke Jack up and told him we have an hour to get ready

We left the house at 8:45am for his mum's house

we gave his sister sophie her card which I made and she loved it, and her presents - kitty win glasses! She was happy with it all and we sat talking to her and Jack's step dad as they were the only two people home. We then went to go view some furniture at a dead relatives house which was fun to look round as the house was like stuck in time. Everything was from like 1950's I had fun looking round but we didnt come away with anything. The only thing we liked we literally dont have space for and other things I like - another relative has priority but if she doesnt want it she will let us know - fingers crossed!

We then dropped those house keys back off at jack's step dad, drove to the shops and picked up a few bits and then went home. We had been out the house 3 hours and it was lunch time!

I had lunch then laid on the bed but couldnt sleep my body was so tired and painful, no pain killers has helped today T^T im hurting from massage as its all muscular. But thats fine I can deal

Jack came in and said it wasnt doing me any good to lay there and dragged me out for a walk which was so much effort honestly. My body feels so heavy.

I came home and had a cup of tea then made biscuits then had fruit loaf then went to bed - i didnt want to  but knew id need energy for tonight to go have take away at harveys. I didnt want to lay down again I wanted to be at my desk and Jack was outside doing the garden so I felt guilty I wasnt doing anything

he woke me at 5:30am and I was pale and shaky and I told him I didnt feel up to seeing harvey and theo. Having to sit in uncomfortable seats and pretending to be well. So we didnt go!

I put a pizza in the oven for Jack and reheated my leftovers and we had that watching digimon, had a rather hot bath - me trying to kill the aches. 

I then ordered Mia's canvas of Todd for her birthday this year. My brother very kindly photoshoped it to the best of his abilities and it looks loads better! The website I was planning on using had an offer on for a remaining 4 hours! so I got it for £17 instead of £44 so I was happy I had a look on the website tonight! I just hope it look good when it arrives :3 But thats her present done anyway

Then we did something we said we would do during the holidays....tried the new take away down the road. Its called "munchies" and its 1-2 minute drive

so we ordered. It was far cheaper than the usual places we go

we collected it and ate it together in the living room. We had different ice creams and a cookie dough to share. It was all ok but low quality. Like yeah just low quality on texture and taste. But we were glad we tried it. It was ok for the money. Then I got Oz in, its 9pm so we gonna sit with him for a bit then watch anime then go bed

I am going to take a sleeping tablet as I would like to sleep tonight. Like actual sleep. Dont know why I am struggling with my sleep lately.

tomorrow

at 10:30am we have our flu jabs!! then I said I would go for a browse round TK MAXX with mummy then come home for my lunch then hopefully do some art!! Not done any yet!!!

On even bigger news

my friend tara she went away on a holiday shes had booked for 2 years - but hasnt gone because of covid - she finally had that holiday and came back this week....a married woman!! Yes! her and James got married abroad!! So brave! I am so thrilled for them both. I kinda knew they would do it abroad but was very surprised they did it on THIS holiday. I can not wait to see photos and hear all about it! I cant believe shes finally married tho! I was going to be brides maid but shes decided to secretly go abroad and do it XD I am so happy for her. But was very surprised. I would no way have the courage to do it with just Jack in a foreign country. I would need Mia and Mum there 0.0;

Blue Hammington TT^TT

 Evening

My god the drama I have had in the last 24 hours....and all due to my own stupidity TT^TT

so last night was like any other night, we watched anime and went to bed. I decided to have a go with the new sleeping tablets I brought from the city centre - if they were good id save em for school nights kinda thing.

I struggled to get off to sleep as I hurt a bit from the massage, my body was feeling a bit battered. Jack was on his switch next to me like he has been last 2 weeks - enjoying pokemon mystery dungeon.

I did get off to sleep

I started having a nightmare. A nightmare of my other personality having a nightmare, growling and getting frustrated. I was trying to think where we had fallen asleep. Our bed, but its not at mum's any more, we live with Jack. Jack is next us. She suddenly felt even more determined to wake up and have her wicked way with him. Of course I did not want this to happen! So asked her not to. Then the dream went a bit weird and she was running through the woods at night bare foot like an animal. 

Next thing I knew Jack was waking me up, I couldnt breathe I pushed him away, coughing and panting. He said "you were having a nightmare" yeah I know that! But at least he woke me, thank god

I caught my breath but I was a bit shaken up and quite sweaty. I looked at the time - 12:20

thats it? all that happened in like 1 hour? 

but something wasnt right, I didnt feel right. Jack asked if I was ok. 

"no stuff doesnt feel right Jack"

he put the light on and said I looked white

it freaked me out more seeing the room lit up as colours didnt look right and the room felt a different size than it usually does. Jack said to get up for a bit as he could see I wasnt right and on the verge of tears. So I got up and lost my balance straight away so Jack helped me to the living room and got me a cold drink

"maybe it was those sleeping tablets?"

"yeah youre not having those again, theyre going straight in the bin"

"were you still awake?"

"yeah I was playing pokemon, got too into it"

"kinda glad you were still up"

my psychoticness calmed down a bit, but I still didnt feel right. Too many voices and being told that something weird was gonna walk round the corner and yeah my head was just messed up. I didnt tell Jack everything that was racing through my mind as I could tell her was already concerned about my behaviour. 

He asked what I wanted to do and that was could stay up til whenever I felt I wanted to sleep

"I want to go to bed cuddling you, and watching you play pokemon" I needed something safe and mundane. So thats what we did with Jack helping me walk to bed

I did fall asleep but had  vivid horrible dreams that involved more suffering and yeah just not nice

I woke up this morning and Jack was already awake

He asked how I was

"I still feel a bit off" and I did. Not only that, I was WET. Soaked. My clothes were damp, my hair semi-wet and I could feel wet patches on my body. Pure sweat....

I had a crakin' headache and felt off, weak and stuff. But no longer felt like a psychotic mess. But I was thinking 'just what the hell is in those sleeping tablets!?'

I got up for a wee and the first step I took I fell over onto the ottoman 

Jack shot up out of bed to come to my aid

I literally couldnt take one step in front of the other without help

he helped me to the bathroom and as I sat there having a wee I thought 'this cant be sleeping tablets, I have experienced this before'

I got off the toilet and crawled to my medication, Jack found me and he said "I could have got those for you"

"no Jack what I am looking for is my antidepressant"

and lo and behold, no antidepressant waiting to be taken.....

meaning when I sort my meds out in the evening for that night and following morning, I had not grabbed my antidepressant box so I had missed my dose last night

ONE DOSE

thats it 

this suddenly made sense

why I had the other personality kicking in, psychoticness, and why I couldnt walk straight

I remembered earlier this year I couldnt walk straight for a couple of days, thought I was poorly, but actually hadnt been taking my antidepressant.

so here we are again, because I hadnt taken my medication I got myself into a state....I was so annoyed and quickly downed my morning dose.

Jack got me to the sofa and sorted my breakfast out, hes so good with me even tho I didnt deserve any of it, its self inflicted! we agreed that those sleeping tablets probably arent worth taking and when I read the instructions leaflet inside this morning it says "DO NOT TAKE WITH ANY ANXIETY MEDICATION" yeah dont think theyre for me.

I felt so gross tho and was due to put on clean clothes, but also felt wiped out

I rested on the bed for an hour, got up and had a bath and used face and body scrub and got rid of my second skin.

Jack stripped the bed, luckily we change it on a wednesday!

he shouted through the bathroom to me

"Jo, youre not gonna be happy"

"why? what?"

"Its Hammington....."

"whats wrong with my hammington!!!?" sheer panic

"shes blue".......eh...what?

basically, the pyjamas I had on are black, I have washed them once so I guess they still contain a fair amount of their dye. I got soaked in the night due to sweating from withdrawal (withdrawal is a powerful thing to behold) and my pyjamas got wet, the dye transferred on to hammington. MY HAMMINGTON!!!!

When I got out the bath I inspected the damage

and my god, shes blue.....

Hammington is beige and white. Her whole back is a navy colour now TT^TT

I had lunch then mum came round to find me bathing Hammington in my bath tub

I explained and showed her and she was very surprised. I then had to go into the story of how my pyjamas got to wet that the dye transferred. 

So I tried using Vanish stuff on Hammington and whilst she does look cleaner and brighter (she was well overdue a wash) she is sadly still blue T^T

I have to accept her new look.

So my stupidity caused Jack stress and had to look after me and I have damaged a plush

I did pick up, especially after my second dose of antidepressant at lunch time

I spent my after noon with mum we did a walk and talked and had tea. She misses me

when she left at 4:30pm me and Jack did some more work on my maths for my biology and it is sinking in better this time

then we had dinner, I had my second bath of the day >.> and now doing diary. Quite tired actually

Jack is playing with theo til 10pm

Shows how much I need those tablets tho, like my god they keep me sane. How scary my mind is without medication....

but also I FEAR the day I have to come off those tablets. You literally cant walk. Lifting one leg then the supporting leg loses balances straight away. Its horrendous 

anyway not thinking about all that!

Sadly I dont have Hammington to cuddle tonight :'( she is soaking wet upstairs drying, as I will not put her in a washing machine or a tumble drier. No way. So shes got to air dry which is gonna take several days. shes a chonky hamster. I have my 3 bunny plush I used to cuddle at mums in the mean time. Poor Hammington. I hope she forgives me....

tomorrow~

we are popping over to Jack's family house as it's Sophie's 18th

then coming home for lunch and a rest then going over to Harvey's in the evening for takeaway :)

Got an ADHD form to fill in

 Evening

I had a rough night >< couldnt sleep, woke up a lot and was awake from 6am but tried to sleep as I didnt wanna get up THAT early >.>

We got up for my doctors appointment which I was feeling quite anxious about so I asked Jack if he would come in the room with me for moral support

the doctor printed out an ADHD form for me to fill in and give back to her. Its quite a long daunting form....Jack says he will help me ^^

I asked her about the ridges in my nails that have been growing from July and the fact that my hair is just constantly falling out. She looked at my last blood test (which earlier this year) and said my levels look normal and to try some vitamin C tablets and zinc.

I asked her about my June referral for mental help, turns out the mental health team had written back to my doctors but not told me. Basically I do not meet their criteria for help so I am by myself on that one. If I want help I have numbers to call (been there done that) and the doctor gave me the number for a private person to pay for mental help. But it all honesty I am relieved I have not got to go for MORE talking therapy. I have had loads. I dont want anymore. Besides I am over the worst of it, I got myself through it.

We left doctors and went towards the city centre, we caught the bus which was full of chavy woman with god awful bratty children who were so feral without boundaries. Any questions they asked their mums they just told "oh I dont know!" and continued on with their phone. Classy parenting there. Sickens me people like that are allowed children. So sad you get lovely people who cant conceive and would give a child a loving home, yet these chavy breeders have no trouble populating the earth. Jesus

we got off the bus and went into a poundshop for Jack's sweet and there was someone there arguing with 2 managers and staff that he wasnt opening packets and taking stuff.

I was so stressed already. My body was shaking

people everywhere, noise, lights. God it was so overwhelming. Jack took us into a cafe for a cup of tea and a chill out but it was so hot in there that we didnt stay long and continued shopping. But whats there to shop round? nothing left! I kid you not Nottingham city centre is just one big food court. Thats all there is! Loads of clothes shops have gone and today I realised bear factory and disney shop have gone as well now! I liked looking at their plush :( theres nothing left to go into the city for. I hate the experience of it all and it makes me so grateful for online shopping

we got plenty of bits and pieces so it was worth going. I got to see lots of halloween decorations. I brought yet another pumpkin mug! I have 3 different ones now ^^

we got on the bus home and Jack drove us home as I was struggling to walk by this point like the little old lady I am! 

We got home and had Oz inside whilst we had lunch then I went to bed

Jack woke me at 3pm for a brew and the doughnuts we brought today which are complete mammoths. I finished mine, i do feel guilty for eating it course I do but I havent had any of my usual treats today as I knew I was gonna have the doughnut and didnt want to be plagued with loads of food thoughts.

I went for my massage and it was bliss. Honestly worth every penny its the closest I get to being pain free. I would have it every week if I could afford it! I paid £5 for her charity raffle - i never win these things but wanted to support her. She then gave me some samples of skin care!! what a treat and its VERY expensive this brand. I wont be buying any of it. I saw on her display that a 150ml cleanser thing was £80......eye watering. So these samples are probably worth £20 so I was happy with that

I came home and felt very oily so went for a bath

then we did dinner which was nice and healthy

then I have been laying down as I cant believe how wiped out I am

massage and walking has killed me off.

good productive day tho, I will pay for it tomorrow no doubt

I have tonight ordered some vitamin C and other things to try. spent £30 on tablets tonight! £45 on massage, my body is expensive to maintain! ><;

tomorrow

I have wrote the day off, I am doing NOTHING

I said I would see mum at some point :)

glad I aint doing weddings and babies

 Evening

it took me a while to sleep last night, almost midnight

I woke up at 7:10am >.> ugh

I got ready and went for a walk with Mia at 9am

havent seen her in agessssss so it was good to see her

she had a lot to talk about in regards to marriage/wedding/babies

all stuff I am really glad I am not taking part in!!!

sweet jesus I think I would end up in a unit if I was tackling all that

I mean one day I would like to get married maybe, but I am in no hurry! Its no disrespect to Jack, its just I am not ready or mentally well enough to take all that on. Sorting a wedding out is so stressful!

I told Jack a while a go that I could be engaged but I cant marry him right now

well not marry AND be well. Its one or the other in my current state! But me and Jack love each other very much, I dont feel the need for a ring to say that. I am happy and comfortable.

Mia is ready for the next stage of her life and relationship and I think shes doing so well with it all ^^ shes thinking of getting married in september!

I came home and was thawed out with a tea, even tho I got warm walking my skin was frozen

we sat round and then had lunch then I rested on the bed with Jack next to me on his switch

then we went into the garden, Jack dug the land some more and I painted the 1st coat on two tires, but we got rained off. 

I went to see mum as 3pm for a hour, had a brew and clipped the girls claws, truffs gave me licks ^^

I came home and had fruit loaf and another brew 

we sat doing something maths, as I had a maths thing in my last biology lesson 

did.not.understand.a.word

so I asked Jack to explain it. It was a mammoth thing. I still havent got the hang of it 40mins later T^T so we are gonna work on it and hes so patient!!!

did dinner, and had Oz in with dinner

then had a bath

now were gonna have match of triominoes with Oz inside - we havent played a board game for months. Then watch anime and go bed

tomorrow

busy day ><

got doctors at 9:10am about a few things 

straight from there we're going into the city centre for a shop and treats

then at 4pm I have a massage. I am gonna be dead!!!

Morning of pumpkins!

 Evening

I couldnt sleep last night. Like was not tired.....I couldnt sleep during the day ether but at night when I am usually shattered, I just couldnt sleep like I could still function. I got up and took pain killers to knock me out and stayed up til 1am. 

I woke up at 8:50am >< we normally leave the house for 9:25am for shopping! So we had a bit of a mad dash morning + having Oz inside due to rain

we got to the shops and on the way in they had ghost pumpkins!! I have never found them before, or if I have been lucky to come across them, they are usually expensive due to them being white or 'ghost' but only £2 so I said to Jack, "Im having it!!" walking 10metres in the shop they sold mini pumpkins that fit in your palm - so cute and small! for 50pm so I got one of those too. As we went round the shop we passed the seasonal isle - halloween currently. And something caught my eye.....a big pumpkin

"Jack I am just checking something out"

it was this massive pumpkin, like how big can I say?

*get out measuring tape for my diary's sake*

its 178cm diameter and 50cm height...mother of god....its a beast

it also lights up. I said to Jack "I would LOVE this for the garden, as an ornament"

I have been keeping my eyes out for garden ornaments but theyre soooo expensive as theyre usually metal or stone you know. But this is plastic. and was £15

he said "you can have it"

"but its like £15"

and thats cheap for a garden ornament, however this isnt a garden ornament

as it has a LED inside, it lights up! 

so we said, we would buy it, have it indoors until halloween - display it in the window for halloween, then take out the electrics and have it outside in the garden.

It took up half the trolley XD I was so happy honestly. My love of pumpkins is deep. and seeing AND having one this big made me very happy

we got home and unpacked, had a brew and such, did the soup and cooked my meat for the week

Jack has asked me to have a smaller meat portion in the morning but have a piece of fruit loaf along side it so I am having some carbs in the morning to help me keep going. I start this tomorrow

After lunch I had a bit of a rest in bed but couldnt really sleep

we went for a walk as we had an announcement txt that Jack's family was coming over at 4pm

the walk was small but I found it difficult my body was shaking and weak. Whats up with me!? its very frustrating. Think it is just exhausted from school. I got back and had a bath. As the hair pack I put in my hair last night hadnt really rinsed out properly so my hair looked awful and I was pale. I was hoping after a bath id look better!

Jack had a bath then later his mum, step dad and oldest sister came. Leaving his youngest sister home she was in a mood apparently XD but it was nice and they brought home made cup cakes for his sisters birthday on thursday they were so well decorated! they stayed from 4 - 6

when they left I did dinner, we had Oz in during dinner which was nice

I have since had him out again and put him to bed, Jack is gaming with Harvey and Theo again, he does ask each time if he can and I think he may as well really. We are still gonna have hot chocolate and anime after wards.

I did some drawing any way as I said I would do his oldest sister an 18th birthday card.

tomorrow 

9am Mia is coming over to do a dog walk with me

got nothing else planned apart from that. I hope I sleep tonight so I have energy

nice not having to get up early

 Evening

ahhhh it was so nice to sleep and wake up at 8 and not be in a work for 8

we were in bed for 9:20pm tho, on a friday night XD I was so done!!!

So this morning

I made biscuits, cleaned Oz out whilst being supervised by him, cleaned the bathroom then went over to mum's for 11am. Gave truffs a hair cut. Had a cup of tea with mummy and came home for lunc

I didnt need to sleep after my lunch but thought Id go to bed to give my body rest (as I am not good at rest) but I couldnt sleep ^^; so I went for a good walk with jack, but my body was shaking again afterwards. I think its just my body being exhausted. Jack says I need to start eating more carbs as i still arent really eating them apart from fruit loaf, oat biscuits I make, and sweet potato = my carbs

maybe he is right so we spoke about what could be eating more

I rested with a cup of tea and fruit loaf but my body was still annoyingly shaky. So I laid on my bed where my heart decided to have palpitations, Jack was outside with oz for almost 2 hours. I just laid quietly then I watched a youtube video then started dinner which was nice

I had a good soak in the bath and a bit of a pamper but not my full on sunday night pamper

Jack is gaming with Harvey and theo til 10pm so I have 30mins more by myself

I am with Oz

then we will watch anime with hot chocolate and go to bed!

tomorrow

just food shop and make soup, mum and dad are dropping off the spare guinea cage now the pigs are in the shed. So I will have a guinea + rabbit cage. And so will mum. Therefor if ether of us goes away for a weekend or whatever, we can have each other's pet over to stay <3 

and thats it, I should rest more and maybe do some art or science work I guess 

what a night but its holidays now!!!

 Evening

What happened last night? like just what happened TT^TT

I was in bed for 9:10pm after having an evening alone, I wouldnt need to get up til 7am so I felt happy knowing I would be getting a good nights sleep for once.

However, this was NOT the case T^T I woke up at 3am and that was that then

I was up. In pain. Like growing pains all over, I took both pain killers but I may as well have taken sugar tablets, they did NOTHING. I didnt know what to do. I had tried going back to bed. When I got up for the 2nd time (after Jack elbowed me in the face T^T) He sat up right in bed

"whats up jo?"

"im getting up for the 2nd time, im in pain and struggling"

"i'll get up with you"

"no no its fine honestly"

he laid back down and as soon as his head hit the pillow he was gone. Like that. Gone

so envious TT^TT

so I stayed up til 5am, then tried to sleep in bed but couldnt really. I looked at the clock and it was 6:45am then next thing I knew my alarm was going off. I had fallen asleep in those final 15mins

how cruel is my life. I felt like death this morning

If it had been a normal school day I wouldnt have gone. My body was shaking. I was shattered. Physically and mentally exhausted

Jack was like "you look bad"

yup white face and lilac lips would get that said to you

"well you know I didnt sleep well"

"no i dont"

"jack you offered to get up with me, you sat up in bed"

"did I?"

yeah I had wondered if he was actually awake, turns out he wasnt! Its very odd. Im talking to someone in their sleep.

We got ready for school, I brushed my hair but didnt do anything with it, no accessory and just whacked very baggy old clothes on. I couldnt care less today

I didnt join in with anything going off with the staff and neither did Jack or Julia for a change. Usually its just me who doesnt bother going to the whole school meeting (I get too anxious)

so it was us 3 but I had my headphones on and did some jobs - somehow

then sat and painted but wasnt enjoying it, was soon running out of the will to live

it was a very slow 4 hours T^T

at 12:20pm we got to leave as we werent staying for lunch

we came home and saw Ozwald and then had lunch

I was in bed for 1:30pm I had in my mind I would go over to mum's 3:30pm

I woke up at 4pm....jesus. I never ever sleep THAT long during the day. but shows my exhaustion

I txt her at 4pm "just woke up! give me 5!"

I went over for an hour to have a brew and a cup cake she made and a sit with the girls

I am seeing her again tomorrow morning as Truffs needs a hair cut desperately 

mum warned me that truffs had got attitude today but as soon as she sat on me she curled up and got cozy I even got licks. She likes me ^^ Was my first guinea sit without molly tho. Usually I get both tilly and truffle and mum has molly. but now mum has tilly and I have truffs. I have to share tilly!

I got home and did the dinner

then after dinner I planned out a rough outline of what I want to do each day in the holiday, then did a 20min work out which was an effort and wasnt even that hard

had a lovely hot bath and now just with Oz

I have had Jack all evening as his gaming got cancelled, dont usually have him on a  friday evening but not complaining. We havent spent much time together so it will be nice to watch anime tonight.

tomorrow

recovery really. Jo needs rest -______- and seeing mum and truffs for hair cut~

thank god its the holidays. Dont think I could have lasted much longer....