we have both consumed today......

 evening

I attended school

I even slept! I got up for a wee but on the whole, I freakin slept! 

I actually felt ok about school this morning too, wasnt filled with anxiety and feeling sick 

so that was all a positive change!

I started to flag tho around 10am T^T I was so disappointed 

I mean what had a expected really? id been away from school for 2 days not 2 weeks

I found my lesson boring and hard not to actually fall asleep in!!

I struggled with the rest of the day but we didnt have much on so I actually didnt do a lot really

However.....

several people brought in A LOT of baked goods. I mean homemade baked goods not just store brought crap. Oh my god there was soooooo much. And I was struggling for energy. I was thinking "we arent going to any school christmas dues, we havent gone out for takeaway/pudding in ages and arent going to any time soon. This will be my christmas food treat". I simply consumed XD after my lunch I had 2 biscuits, 2 cup cakes and a slab of brownie. I was on the floor in a ball with the hot bag on my stomach - in pain. My stomach hated me. I had to make a trip to the staffroom toilets....all day since then my stomach has hated me and made so much noise even when I simply drink

but what was really lovely, was that Julia had brought us both a christmas present - we had given her chocolates. She gave Jack cider, and me....a house plant!!! I bloody love it!!! Its leaves are so pretty. It doesnt flower it simply grows these 2 tone green leaves. It likes humid places so I have put it in the bathroom and it looks great I am in love ^^

We came home and mum was already over, had a brew with her. Oz pestered her for treats and fuss >.> bloody rabbit. But hes happy bun today and had a clean bum, hes been drinking his probiotic too so Im hoping we are making progress!!

I did my work out to just dance not that I could be bothered. Then had a bath. Then I put Jack's pizza in the oven which was almost double the size he usually has - it was reduced. I had a piece of gammon but that was it for my dinner and even then my stomach hated that!! so I skipped dinner really as I wasnt hungry, id eaten plenty today, knew if I shoved food down me that I would have awful tummy ache + be kept up all night with food thoughts. As it is now I just hate my body but I dont want to diet myself too badly and all that jazz. Jack, despite me saying "dont need to eat it all you can have some for lunch tomorrow cold" ate all the pizza....he only had a biscuit and a cake at school. So he hadnt had as much as me but I was still surprised at how he managed to eat it all.....

so basically we both consumed today!!!

dear god we ate!

so we are both full and are skipping the hot chocolate tonight and were off to go play pokemon in bed at its 8:20pm and we finished up with food at 8pm so yeah were just gonna play pokemon in bed.

tomorrow

last bloody day

thank you LORD

jesus it has been hard

we finish at 1pm tomorrow

its christmas jumper day tomorrow

I dont have a christmas jumper. so i am wearing a white dress with blue stars on with glitter tights. and maybe boots. I havent told jack, I just said I will stick joggers on as who cares XD 

but after work we are popping to B&M for blankets for me to rip up to make a jacket and TK for a christmas candle. Then I am coming home and beginning my 2 week coma~~

a much happier, better day

 Evening

So after melt downs yesterday I decided, with Jack, that I would have another day working from home. And I think knowing that, made me sleep! I slept through the night!!

So i didnt feel like a total corpse when I woke up. Jack said I looked better and I did feel a bit better within myself but I still was not ready to face school. I put the curry stew on and took Jack to school

I came home and slept for 90 mins 

I got up and had a cup of tea and a biscuit then, as it was so sunny

I decided to go for an hour's walk, thinking it would do me some good - mentally 

on my way back I called into mum's for 20mins then she came over with me and we had lunch here then she left me. I did some jobs round the house then I sat doing some actual work! I wasnt stressing about working as I NEEDED to look after myself. I know I will do some work during the christmas holidays, so ether way - the work will get done. I was determined to rest and and see the rest of the week through

I brought Oz in but left him to loaf in the living room whilst I worked on my drawing 

I got quite a bit done anyway. Here is some of what I have done~

jack came home and we decided to have a bath before dinner then we had dinner which was thai curry stew and it was so good! Probably the best one I have made so far!!

Now Jack is just clearing up and then I think we will have the final trim of Oz's bum bless him. Take him home then watch anime then play pokemon in bed. Have an early night

tomorrow

I do plan on going to school

I want to go in and make it through the day. No tears

I want to go to my biology lesson too. 

I have 1 rat dissection lesson which Jack is sorting. I am gonna take headphones and make sure I can not hear the awful sound of their paws being nailed down to a board. Its vile. Its sick.

Its Julia's daughter's class. I can't imagine shes going to do it. Shes already worrying about it. I have no idea why we do it, so many kids hate it.

I hate it.

then I will only have half a day left!!

I do feel a bit better within myself today. more rested and happier. 

worked from home a day early than planned

 evening

I couldnt sleep last night

I was stressing about not sleeping, school, life

I got up and jack bolted up right "WHAT!?" errr 0.0; 

I thought 'jesus hes really mad cus I cant sleep'

I said "erm Im just going toilet" ^^;

he said "right" and fell down to sleep

I left him as I thought he was mad at me

so I worked on some drawings for school and when my thoughts took a dark turn at 3am I decided to bite the bullet and wake him

turns out he remembers nothing about shouting at me. He must have done it in his sleep....scary

so we had fruit loaf and tea then went to bed at 3:45am when I finally got some sleep

I had had A LOT of medication

I woke up at 6:15am to my alarm dripping in sweat and shaking, my heart pounding

awful way to start the day. Had a dream about the friend that died a couple of weeks ago

I took Jack to school. It was clear I was not fit for school

I came home and slept til lunch I was dead.

I had lunch then did some drawing

Mum came over for a bit, then I did some dinner prep and got Oz in who is happy bun today. Hes been playing on the wet grass and I think its helped clean his bum a bit. Mum brought my packages over today and one was his probiotic. I have put it in his water dish but hes a bit sceptical of it. I have seen him drink from it once.

Jack came home and I talked to him for a bit whilst doing some yoga

I did dinner not that I wanted it

Then I laid on the bed, since Jack had come home I had shed a few tears as he wants me to go school tomorrow and I cant face it. When he found me on the bed he said I could stay home tomorrow. I feel I can get more work done at home than at school right now anyway.

i cant face going tomorrow. Hearing 2 classes nail rats down to boards by their paws. Its harrowing and I cant deal with that in my current state.

Ive cried as Im tired, so so tired. and stressed out which is amping my pain through the roof

I had a shower now just waiting for Jack to have his shower

I will take him work tomorrow and work on science club posters.

I just want to die to be honest. I am just so done.

im just not good at being human. Everyone else seems to manage it so well i just seem to constantly struggle and battle through life...

I was just in a depressive state thats all

 Evening

I just haven't felt like doing my diary

I was in a rather depressive state and I couldnt face writing about how crap I felt about life

My thoughts went to dark places. Im not going to write them as I want to move on from them

I just wasnt good and wondered what the point to life was

Im did another box frame over the weekend but need to take photos of it

I didnt sleep that well for school today so I have been tired all day but I havent had much on so I have just done easy sitting down tasks.

I have horrible rat dissections this week tho. total of 3 times. twice on wednesday and I want that day to work from home!! I cant face being round that much rat being cut up right now. Its too distressing with my mental state.

Oz has still had off tummy. Its not every day but its a lot lately. I have ordered him some probiotic to try its one I have had before. But waiting for it to come. Its only what the vet would prescribe anyway and Id rather not stress him out with the vet right now.

I have just this week to go

wednesday Im working from home

friday I finish at 1! so its not too bad of a week I suppose.

dont want to go tomorrow  tho

just dont want to go.

tonight I have still got to do some exercise but not sure what to do yet. Maybe just dance.

then have a nice bath, watch anime and play pokemon.

got to sort Oz's bum out before I take him home T^T

poor bun

More topics done, and Karen....

 Evening

Think I actually slept from like 10:15pm til my alarm. Thats 2 pretty good nights on the trot!

It was nice to wake up and not feel like utter death

I was however stupidly anxious. I felt sick and everything!!! WHY!?

I wasnt even going to work today!!! It was very annoying

I told Jack that some of my anxiety was worrying if I was allowed to stay off school, would I get into trouble, would I be able to get enough work done?

He said it was all totally fine, I wouldnt get into trouble and to do just do what I could. The idea for me to NOT get stressed. Hes right. But anxiety can be so irrational at times.....

I dropped him off at school anyway

I came home and went to bed for an hour and when I woke up my anxiety had gone

I then I got on with my drawing. I managed to get 2 topics done

The Earth

Metals and acids

I started 'forces' but only done the rough outline. So I might finish that or tonight I shall see

I had mum over at lunch time, finally able to see her ^^ We talked about Karen, we found out yesterday that Karen is not going to see christmas....shes in a hospice where its one way ticket. my granny ended up there too. Mum said she burst into tears when she found out. I think it brought it all back about granny and stuff and obviously karen being poorly. Life is short. Life is crap. I cant bare to think about it too much as I just want to cry and cry and cry. I cant imagine what her family is going through....

mum left and I continued drawing

did some chores that Jack normally does so it would help him when he got home

then I started doing a grow with Jo workout and Jack came home. I suggested doing all our chores and having a bath then eating dinner then going to bed which is what we did. Dinner was good tho ^^

I am doing my diary and might do some drawing then I will watch anime, play pokemon and hopefully sleep!

Tomorrow is school

I hope it goes ok

it was freezing in my sleep

 Evening

I kept waking up last night, I was shivering, I was soooo cold! I had goosebumps. Each time I just said "I'm cold" and Jack in his sleep cuddled me. How strange is that? I can make so much noise and move around on the bed and he doesnt wake. I say a couple of words and hes there. I wasnt complaining tho as it helped me get back off to sleep :) I did feel tired, drained and achy when I got up this morning. I am not sure why it was so cold in the night tho. It wasnt snowing and i slept in my dressing gown and with a blanket on the top

School was ok

and Lizzie and Chris came to talk to us it was like a little technician meeting. I like it when we group together. 

I couldnt think straight all morning, I had taken more pain killers as I was aching so much I was just fuzzy and full of pain. I didnt complain to anyone I just tried to get on with it all.

I did computer work in the afternoon but didnt get loads done

I know what I can work on tomorrow tho as I am working from home thank god. Need a recovery day

Its weird not having Luke in tho I am missing him

We came home, had a cup of tea then I did dinner which was noodles, it was easy but I didnt enjoy it.

I laid on the bed for a while. I was so close to skipping out on exercise but somehow I managed 20mins of just dance with weights. I had a shower and now I am just on here doing my diary.

I was to go bed and play pokemon again

I missed my mum today

I told her I could see her for my lunch tomorrow so we've decided to do that I was tired after work.

missing mummy and I think shes felt a bit flat, I need to pick her spirits up

I hope I sleep tonight and its not cold again.

Jack's stomach is off I cant get him out of that bathroom since we've come home i hope hes ok.

nothing form fitting or clinging

 Konbanwa~~

Last night we played pokemon in bed, I drifted asleep but suddenly woke up at 11pm needing a wee but after that i slept through to my alarm so I didnt feel too dead when I got up. I was however really sicky anxious for whatever reason

I did manage to wear my new dungarees for the day. I did feel constantly fat and self conscious so I am not gonna deal with that again tomorrow >.> 

My day was actually pretty ok

we had 3 science teachers off so it was quiet I guess. But poor Luke has covid. No science lesson for me this week :/ might sit in another class's lesson.

I got my day done, did a lot of computer work which I still havent finished actually! cant believe how long it is taking me. Then I need to go through it with Jack

We got home and had a cup of tea then did dinner. Dinner was good as the chicken had been marinating for 24 hours

after dinner I looked online for a new disney CD for work and found 2 disk set for £2 so I ordered that. Everyone seems to quite enjoy it XD

now doing my diary, then I will dance, have a bath and then watch anime then go play pokemon in bed. Have an easy evening

tomorrow is school, I will be wearing joggers as I just cant cope with anything slightly clingy or form fitting

and seeing mummy tomorrow as well~