Think we'll do CVs tomorrow

 Evening

I slept ok once I got off. It was the getting off that was the problem. 

Jack was a bit flat this morning, said he didnt want to go school, wanted to call up sick, didnt want to game tonight. He just hates his job and its getting him down. I can see it is

We got to school and I was once again trying to fit 8 hours in 4. I did so much. I was exhausted. Its impressive how much I can achieve.

I came home to find mummy gardening. She had done 2 hours of weeding T^T shes amazing.  I hope her back is ok tomorrow. Shes done a fantastic job! She came inside with me and Oz and I ate my lunch and she had a brew before going home for her own lunch. she had brought Jack a Pina Colada cider to try,

When she left I got my painting out once again, its slowly coming together. I then did a work out for 35mins which was good and then I had a bath, Jack came home and had a quick bath, we had dinner then I had to go for reflex at 6pm. Jack had the cider with dinner and really enjoyed it. Reflex was so relaxing. But charlotte said the whole time I was laid out my lips were pale. But over all I am improving by the look of my feet anyway! She said I had a lump in my stomach which is mostly caused by stress - work im guessing

I came home and got Oz out. Having some quiet time with the lad before I go into bed on my switch. I think I will just play quietly in bed. I am too tired to do much else!

tomorrow

weekend woohoo! Not having to wake at 6:15am!! 

think were both gonna do CVs, gardening,  got Oz to clean out and shopping list to do.

starting my new inhaler again tonight.

first week back after easter had been awful

Cried already at work even tho Im part time!

 Evening

Last night we found out that Jack didnt get the job he interviewed for during easter holidays

I could tell he was disappointed. I feel bad for him but getting a new job is NOT that easy. Yes his current job has been his only job and only place he interviewed for. He practically walked into it. Hes never experienced how job hunting truly is. Me on the other hand - Ive had shed loads of interviews! 

I did feel for him tho as I could he was disappointed

I laid awake in bed thinking about careers for us both and money

im quite stressed out if I am honest

I had anxiety on the journey to school

I broke down in tears around 9:30am at school

I am expected to some how do 8 hours work in 4 hours

i mean we are already doing the work of another person due to school being to tight to high more technicians. We should have 2 more technicians to match the amount of hours of science practicals we do. And now cus of me we have got to do even more work

I broke down

I feel more miserable, unsupported, exploited and stressed than I did before becoming part time. The amount of work  HAS NOT CHANGED and yet I am expected to it? I am gonna make myself so sick in not much time. Honestly today, if I could afford it, I would have handed my notice in then and there. Jack was cut up about it all. Its obviously not nice seeing your loved one so upset but he also feels a bit responsible as hes my line manager.

So we sat down and said that the amount of practical hours has got to match with our technician hours. Julia had 16 washing up bowls of washing up on her prep room floor as she had refused to stay hours late after her shift (no over time paid)  to wash up, she usually does stay and we say GO HOME! but she says "yes but who will do it?" we said today if she sticks to her actual working hours and goes home and leaves the washing up then one day we will run out of clean equipment and maybe people will see how much extra time is needed. Head of science had agreed that if we dont have enough technician hours to fill practical hours then some practicals would need to be cut - he agreed to this when I was off work sick. But I feel it still needs to hold up now.

so Jack emailed head of science as I was leaving saying we are cutting back practicals as we dont have enough technician hours. Head of science hasnt responded....

I broke my back leaning over doing all the micro biology work

I went home exhausted, had a grouch at my poor mum waiting to meet me here

she went home, I ate lunch and went bed for 45mins. I decided not to sleep and to get up and do some painting. I enjoyed myself actually. I needed that tune off time. I also had a look at jobs. Jack has another - better - job to apply for at the weekend. It would be a dream if he got that job!!!!!

I picked Jack up from the chippy he had got a chippy tea and I warmed some korean noodles from the freezer for my dinner

after dinner I did another grow with jo mood boost, brought Oz in for some fuss as he looked like orphan all day. He has loved fuss. He definitely enjoys being inside >.> I had a bath now doing diary. Probably watch anime and go bed.

tomorrow its friday thank god.

i hate my job. I am so unhappy there. so unappreciated. The sooner we both leave the better

I worked out for the first time in months!

 Evening

Last night, well 6:30pm I got up and did my first work out in months!

due to being so sick and fatigued I have been unable to do work outs, heck not even been able to play just dance much! I have missed working out and I have been waiting to feel well enough to start back up again. I do not want to lose my fitness, stamina and muscles!!

So I did a 30min GrowWithJo Mood Boost video! I actually really enjoyed myself

yes it was hard

yes I sweated for britain

but I enjoyed myself, I felt better for doing

I actually think it helped me sleep too

I would like to do another workout today if I can

it says on her channel if you stick with it for 30 days you can lose 5% of your body fat

I AM DOWN FOR THAT!

I want to feel better about my body as I know and can FEEL I have put weight on (still not gonna weigh myself to find out the true damage) 

This morning 

it was school, and I started to panic a bit at the sheer amount of bacteria work I have got to do. Jack wrote out a 'to do' list for the bacteria. so much to do. I had other pracs to do as well. I got a lot done today and felt knackered when I finished I couldnt wait to go home

mum came over and had lunch with me, she also brought the sows which was nice so they played out with Ozwald

the nurse rang, i had waited 10 days for a 1 minute 45 second phone call, all to ask "can I use this inhaler?" as it was giving me so many side affects. She said to stick with it, should calm down and could take a month to get used to it. So I will start it up on friday. See how i go. I want it to work as its amazing and I lucky to be on it.

After mum left I laid on my bed an hour, I was so shattered

I got up and did a bit of drawing, ordered a few things online, looked at anime to watch, I made egg mayo for Jack's wraps tomorrow, made biscuits. Yeah I did bits a pieces which is nice. It still doesnt feel that productive with my time but I am still recovering...

we had dinner when he came in and twice I had to go out - whilst eating - to Oz who was savaging my plants....in the end I brought him in as he was clearly hungry and I didnt want to keep having to go out to him. So he came in for kibble and a drink and a quick lay down. I managed to finish my food in peace.

I am gonna go water my garden - I have to do this every night lately T^T - then I will do my work out

tomorrow is school

60th, Easter eggs, return to school

 Evening

How many times did I forget to do this TT^TT

Basically sunday was my dad's 60th Birthday we went over and I cooked the BBQ for the 4 of us (brother went out instead) and mum had baked a cake which was amazing. I took Oz over to play and he did entertain us. He was very busy. and we too were also very busy - making sure he didnt eat mum's plants...

I bought him home and he snored in the lounge. Tired bun X3

Yesterday I dusted and tidied and so everywhere is clean~ Jack did some gardening

his parents came over and bought over a load of easter goodies for us. It was good to finally see them and they told us about their holiday

Our easter holiday was good and needed. Even though at the start of the holiday I had wrote a list of all things I want to do and Jack had crossed 90% of them off I glad he did that. As yes I probably didnt 'achieve' as much as I wanted but I enjoyed what I did do. And didnt end up killing myself

I couldnt sleep last night as I was anxious about school despite the fact I knew it was only 4 hours to get through. I was taking pain killers and up til midnight.

This morning Oz gave Jack the stink eye "what ungodly hour is this!?" face

I didnt feel too bad about going school in the end. Knowing its only 4 hours helps me get through but it is enough. I will probably only earn £550 per month now. Wow, cant live off that!

Jack talked to me about bacteria and I started to have an anxiety attack, he fetched the inhaler from the car.

I went home and had lunch and went bed for 90mins I was so done in!! I felt better once I got up tho. I sat and did some painting for a bit and then I looked for jobs but couldnt really find a lot to be honest. Then I rang my  mum just to tell her my day back went ok.

Jack came home and I let him unwind with tea then we did dinner, after we prepped for stew tomorrow morning. Now I am doing my diary whilst I bloody remember!!

I will do a work out soon then have a bath

Oz is playing outside, hes happy bun. We had him inside before school as I felt I needed to fuss him.

tomorrow is school and also hopefully the nurse will ring me about my inhaler and if I should continue to use it.

I didnt go out last night

 Evening

Kinda forgot to do this yesterday!!

In the morning we did our weekly shop early as sunday shops are close for easter

later morning me, mum, Jack and Oz did some gardening

mum went home and I had lunch with Jack then I rested up for the evening ahead

I was anxious and all day had a fast heart rate

I was by myself all afternoon as Jack gamed for 4 hours with Harvey and Theo

I rang my mum, I was lonely and needed to talk to someone

I told her I didnt really want to go out, I didnt want to socialise I wanted quietness, I didnt have the energy to look happy for people and give them my best energy

she told me not to go. That if I am not feeling it, Jack would only be looking out for me all evening and not enjoy it fully himself and I wouldnt be enjoying it ether so whats the point

I told Jack I wasnt going. He seemed disappointed to be honest. But I need to stop pleasing people and look after myself. 

I took him, Theo and Harvey to Matt and Brandon's house. I drove back it was a round trip of 40mins

I felt better for getting home, locking the doors and getting set up to do painting

I did 90mins of painting. I enjoyed it, put anime on the background I was a  true social recluse!!

I had txted Jack to say doors were locked and Id set him a bed up on the sofa

I texted mum to say I was home, I was fine and going to do some painting

I couldnt sleep. I ached A LOT from gardening. so I ended  up taking extra and falling asleep at midnight. I heard the door go at some point in the night and dropped off to sleep. Knowing if Jack wanted me he would wake me.

This morning I woke my Jack at 8:30am. He said he got in just after 1am. I made him an amazing breakfast. It was a baguette with 2 hash browns, 2 eggs, 6 slices of bacon. I made him fresh coffee and poured him fresh orange juice. I gave him paracetamol too

I revived him

he helped wash my hair then I left for my hair cut at 10:30am

like my massage - my hair cut has gone up by £5. Id love to be able to put my wage up >.>

I went to mum's and I WAS going to dye my hair pink. However I got there today and I had back ache and couldnt be bothered to sit in the chair and have my hair dyed and then have a shower etc.

I helped cut raw meat up, I sat with the girls, and I had my lunch I had taken over

I came home and I have been making a card for mum and a card for Jack

both just to say thank you for all they do and how much I love them

Its good to be appreciated

I dont need to wait for mothers day or valentines day. I will show my love and appreciation whenever the hell I want to. I will give mums to her tomorrow and Jack's I will give to him tonight ^^

That has kept me quiet all afternoon it was nice doing traditional art 

tomorrow 

tomorrow is easter AND my dad's 60th birthday

yup my dad is gonna be an old fart. He already looks 60++

I have put together an alpaca walk with my mum and brother as his birthday present which is in May.

We are going over around 2pm for a BBQ that I may end up cooking. Mum is making cake ^^ in the morning I have bathroom to clean but thats it really. I can probably do some art

didnt need pain killers in the night

 Evening

I struggled to get off to sleep despite being shattered

I woke up at 3am, cold and tummy ache but nothing came of it despite bothering to sit on the toilet. Usually by this point I am taking pain killers to help me get off to sleep but last night I thought I would actually TRY and get to sleep without taking anything.

much to my surprise, I did in fact, fall asleep without pain killers

I told jack in the morning he gave me a hug and said he was proud of me ^^

So this morning, we took a walk to the post office as I had missed my Boohoo parcel. Which was a light weight trench coat with a hood! Looks so cool

when we walked back we had a cup of tea

We then went outside to do gardening

Jack put some of the new plants in with my help and i was repotting the cacti, however I could do all of them much to my disappointment as I couldnt reuse the stones they just wouldnt sieve out from the old lot of cacti. I tried several methods too. So I cut my loses and ordered some more stones later on

id had enough anyway as we did an hour.

I came in and jack made his lunch whilst I pan fried some chicken for my lunch

after lunch I laid on my bed for an hour, I didnt sleep but after an hour of rest I was aching so I got up. I went on my laptop looking at stones - boring task it was

at 3pm I went over to my mums, I cut Truffs fur for her outside. She had almost 2" off her fur length!!! God she was ready. I had to do her as mum sent me a photo of truffs this morning with a hair clip in her fringe....poor truffs.

I then sat talking to mum til 5pm

about various things, one thing was my mental health. How I view doing art and stuff and how I put it off and that I need to break it down into my manageable tasks and steps other wise I put off doing art!

I got home and sent Jack out by himself in the car!

I sent him to go get pie and chips for his dinner as planned, he went out, called me saying the shop was closed? so I said to go to the other we walked by this morning but I half expected him to bottle it and say "ill grab a pizza out the freezer" but no, my Jack stuck with it, drove to a new place and got his pie and chips. I was so proud! I had noodles 

after dinner I watered the plants and had a bath, I did my lazer treatment as I have to be in the mood to do it. Now doing diary but its almost 8:30pm and still done zero art today

maybe I will do some after this?

but then watch anime and go bed

We didn't go out out

 Evening

So last night I didnt sleep great. I was waking up cold and anxious. Also having nightmares. Think I was cold from sweating caused by nightmares.

It was all because I was worrying about driving to derbyshire and back + walking

I honestly wasnt sure if I could manage it all

So this morning I had breakfast which didnt sit well on my anxiety churned stomach

Jack asked what was - like what was really up

so I told him, I asked if we could go sherwood pines instead

he said "its still a 40mins drive there, a good hour walk round. Why are we doing all this just to kill yourself? youre not gonna enjoy it, Im not gonna enjoy seeing you like that. We dont have to go out, I enjoy spending time with you no matter what we do. I know you want to go places but right now your body is still recovering"

yeah...hes right

I just find it hard to accept

he said "besides we have our whole lives to go places"

i said "so its me being impatient again then?" XD

I just hate my illness ruining things as always

so he suggested a walk near the river and a picnic in the garden

so what we did was drive to the river trent which is a 5-10min drive, we did a walk and on the walk is the cafe I went with mum to last week. We had tea and cake which was sooooooooooooo good I was so happy. Jack always picks me up. He never makes me feel like a let down or disappointment or holding the relationship back. He is just happy spending time with me ^^

we walked back along the river to the car

as soon as we shut the car door - rain full on rain

as soon as  we pulled up the drive way it stopped completely

so we didnt get wet!

We couldnt sit outside and picnic tho as it rained again

mum picked us up at 1:30pm and we went to a garden centre for plants. We spent £50 on plants and compost. It was pricy as we went for more established plants rather than babies, simply because they stand a chance of surviving against Oz. He eats baby plants as a starter. No matter how hard we try to protect them - he finds and devours 

We dropped the plants off and went to another garden centre and I got cacti soil as my stuff came today and I can finally repot a load cacti I have ^^

I was exhausted by this point, not to mention I didnt really have lunch as what I had got for lunch I didnt like so didnt eat it! I didnt have time to get anything else as mum was coming for us. So I was tired and hungry but just had a cup of tea when I got in as it was 3pm.

After a sit, I went for an early bath, a very very hot bath tho to kill off the aches

now just waiting for jack to finish in the tub then I can put the noodles on. We have korean noodles tonight I put the broth bit in the slow cooker this morning I hope it tastes ok! 

then tonight I need an easy night so might draw or something

I have plenty to draw I just been unmotivated to draw

tomorrow

think we will have a quieter day

I am certainly going to sort my cacti out!!!

I have had a really nice day tho

I have done a river walk with my Jack and had amazing cake

I then went out with Jack and mummy to choose plants

coming home to my Ozwald chasing pigeons.

Its been a good day. Not how I thought it would go but maybe better. I am grateful for the people around me.

we said that in future if we make any plans to have a 'back up' plan so I dont feel the pressure I put on myself to do the plans and feel like we will still do something.

we also said we might have an over night stay at water fall place so I can manage it better and it breaks it down a bit. But thats a future problem