We told everyone I am sick

 Evening

I went to bed with stress tummy ache....

I slept kinda okish I guess. I heard a cat on the fence and woke up to scare it off. Yes a cat jumping on the fence is all it takes to wake me. Light sleeper AF

I felt a bit low this morning about school. I didnt want breakfast because my stomach already felt knotted. Once I had breakfast I was in that toilet. So I had to travel to school with stomach ache then as soon as we got in I had to fast as I had 2 big practicals to sort. Theyre not hard they just take time. and I have head of biology bitching away at me with her demands. I couldnt go any faster. I made her wait and gave the other practical out first!

I was exhausted after all that. My morning felt very full on. I couldnt wait to leave!

I got home had lunch with mummy and Oz, went to bed, hung washing out, put 10 new songs on my ipod. I havent updated my ipod in like a year. So I am just listening to the same old stuff cus I have been a bit out of touch with music to be honest. I have been enjoying more vlogs the music videos. but now I have new things to listen to at school. I use my headphones a lot at school lately

Then I did 40mins of yoga, then Jack got home. He had been given a list from head of science as the department meeting finished late so he gave Jack a lift home which was nice of him. Jack had told everyone I am sick and ways to support me. He said everyone was very receptive and understanding ^^ I hope I dont get any different treatment tomorrow. He didnt say my illnesses or whats up with me. Just that I have long term illnesses. I didnt want to disclose my life, no one would understand anyway

we had dinner, which was a new recipe, it was ok just a bit bland really. Not sure how I would improve it or even if I would make it again!

I will have a bath when my stomach has gone off a bit. I had cake and hot chocolate for lunch it was great XD

then tonight I will do some drawing as I didnt get round to it last night I was too drained

tomorrow is school and Jack is going over to his mum's for dinner to say bye to his sister who is going to uni this weekend! so I will be home alone for a while. mum will see me, I also have to make the girls cage up as they will be here to stay this weekend!

we've been watching Highschool DXD at night, so many boobs...my eyes were burned. No need for that amount of nipple shots.

Just look at this regal loaf who expects fuss and grooming when jack comes home X3

Upset at school after just 1 week

 Evening

I actually did sleep pretty well, I didnt think I would as I was playing Okami and getting pretty worked up XD

This morning I couldnt really be bothered with school, had stomach pains and such

My day at school was horrible. everyone is stressed out. the only people who arent stressed out are those in management. everyone is in a bad negative funk and its horrible to be around. school is just so terrible, poorly organised, funding spent poorly, the management is isnt even management. Its  horrible. I was stressed out

whats more is people are still treating me like a full time member of staff. I AM PART TIME!!!

stop asking for all this stuff when  I only work half the time. I have gone back to trying to fit 8 hours in 4 and it just cant be done. I got upset. I had had enough. i feel awful for jack for getting upset on him as he has so much to deal with all ready and is already stressed out.

He says to always ask him for help. but everyone always goes to him. my greatest fear at work isnt spilling acid on myself or burning myself. Its Jack burning out. I worry about him burning out and having nothing to give. Selfishly, I need him. He is not just my boyfriend hes also in a way my career and if he gets burned out, I lose my support and it will be hard for me to see him in such a state too of course.

I went home and had lunch by myself, I told mum I just needed to be quiet and go to be as I had had enough. I was a bit tearful. Its the despair of the job.

when i got up Jack rang me at work to see if I was ok which was nice of him. Mum phoned me also straight after to see if I was alright, clearly got people worried ><

I havent done much else all afternoon as I needed rest to be honest. I dont get to achieve anything with my afternoon. I did have a look for jobs but wasnt anything so i got the dinner ready and repotted a plant. Then Jack came home. We had dinner.

I told him I need to do a work out of some description but I am just not in the mood for anything so he suggested a walk so we are gonna go for a walk! the sun is out but its a good temperature and theres a breeze then it will be bath time. 

injuries~~

my leg still hurt from doing squats!! can you believe that!? 

I used this 'crystal hair remover' dont ever buy!! it doesnt work but what it has done is taken the top layer of skin off my arms, they feel SORE like sun burn sore

I almost dropped the prep room phone and my stupid reactions went to catch it and instead i hit myself in the face with it.....the outer corner of my eye and temple. It made me yell out in surprise! it HURTTTT like hell and it felt burny afterwards so ice packed it, its now bruising. I am hoping it doesnt turn into a black eye.....never had one before, we shall see in the morning~

tomorrow is another soul destroying day at school

We had a storm

 Evening

My brother text me at 9am, screenshotting my cousin's facebook, that she had gotten engaged! good for her I guess! shes been together for a year? he wants her to have children. so I knew she was gonna ether get engaged by the end of the year or knocked up. theres a video online of the proposal....why? why would you put that for all to see!? the proposal happened in a restaurant in front of a load of people - watching - then clapped afterwards. I told Jack about this and I was like "i would want the floor to swallow me whole at that point. I would hate the attention, and the clapping? Im not American!!" But good for her I  just hope its right for her, her relationship worries me a lil at times. But what do I know. Wonder if he asked my uncle's permission XD

So last night, I couldnt sleep. I just laid there wide awake but tired. It sucked. At midnight I got up for pain killers and fruit loaf. went back to bed to continue laying there. The whole evening was stuffy and I felt like I couldnt even sweat to cool down.Then at 2am the first rumble started.

we had 30mins of thunder and lightening and heavy down pour

I was just there watching in the living room, wondering if Oz and the girls were ok. I was also wondering "just how the hell is jack sleeping through this!?" at 2:10am a bigggg rumble and flash was above the house - that one woke Jack

he found me and we talked a little bit, I got a bit teary but I think that was out of tiredness. I was upset about going school and my fear of burning out. Year and year, term after term of burn out.

we went to bed and I fell asleep around 3am. Yup a whole 3 hours sleep to go to work on

I was kinda ok when I got  up the in the morning, like i have been to work if far worse condition!

me and jack talked about maybe telling the science department that I am sick - I mean it should be obvious to them by now! but not tell them what is up with me as no one will understand anyway. But to make them aware, and that Jack will structure my day so I dont burn out. He gets me the most so he knows what I can do.

work was ok I guess, bit dull and slow but I got it done. Mum was at my house cleaning my windows which was so nice of her. so she was here when I got home. We had lunch together. I spoke to her about telling the department about me and she thought it was a good idea. so jack is gonna tell everyone in the department meeting wednesday after school - glad I will be home to miss it!

I went to bed for a good hour to try catch up on my sleep

I got up and did 45 mins of yoga, my legs KILL after yesterdays leg and booty work out...jesus it was only 12 minutes long but I feel like i have been riding a horse in the night. squats, too many squats

I havent done a whole lot since then really. jack came home and we had food we both groomed Oz together - he loved it, had a bath, and then I looked at clothes online, then doing diary. might get round to some drawing who knows

I kinda just want my bed at this point!

oh heres the new plant I got yesterday, cute right~ I put it out the rain for a water~

tomorrow

school, just school really :/

Drew my tattoo

 Morning~~~

I was struggling to sleep last night, just couldnt sleep cus I was aching - I had done too much ^^;

so we got up and I had pain killers and fruit loaf, we were only up til 10:45pm tho so it wasnt too bad. I slept well. I dreamed of vampires. 

we woke up at 8:50am, Jack's first words were "its ten to nine!? Oz is not going to be pleased" and he went straight out to that loaf. He loves that rabbit. Almost feel second best here! XD

I felt a bit flat this morning, I just couldnt get going with anything. Just didnt know how to start my day. I didnt have breakfast as my stomach wasnt happy. Jack found me on the bed at 10am and came to structure my day ^^ he says we would go garden centre for cacti and I have meat to cook and cake to make, do art together. I instantly felt better about the day

so we got ready to go out to garden centre. 

we got in the car and the engine management light came on. This worried me. So we called in at my parents house for my dad to look at the car. He doesnt mind. So I was with mum whilst the 3 men were round the XD dad said it was nothing to worry about. Just needs a good run as its been stood a month without use. 

so we left there for the garden centre. I picked up a cute money monkey plant up and 2 oils to put in the diffuser at night, theyre so nice I cant wait to use them!

we came home and I had a bit to eat and then I cooked meat for lunch

we had lunch

and then after lunch I laid on the bed next to Jack whilst he played on skyrim

I then repotted my new plant, its happy and I like it. Ive always wanted one of those but never seen them before

we then sat together doing art. Jack warhammer. and me, well....since my 30th (in february) I have been thinking about a tattoo. I know what I want. the design has not changed. I am scared stiff of getting the tattoo tho. Which is why I havent gone and got it done! but then I didnt want it done, then I did, then I didnt. And all in all, I was glad I had been too scared to go so it meant I didnt rush into getting a tattoo that I would regret. I came across INKBOX a sight were you get temporary tattoos, I found out about them a few months ago but only 3 days ago did I look at the sight and realised you can make your own tattoos!! you can have your own design!

so I decided to make a digital image of the tattoo I want. I was disappointed that I couldnt have colour, you could only have black :/ but still. 

so here's my tattoo

it combines the bunny Jack drew for me for my 29th birthday 

I added the pumpkins as I have true love of pumpkins. I like the design. INKBOX tattoos take 2-3 days to sink into your skin then last about 2 weeks. It cost me £18 for a 2" tattoo!!! thats almost the price of a real tattoo!!! can you believe that!? but if it means I can see it on my body, see how I feel, see what I think. Before committing to it for life, then its £18 well spent. Im actually really excited for this. So thats the art I was doing XD

I then made a cake

I had a look at my work wear. I have been wearing loose trousers/joggers for work for months. Because I was so body conscious, I couldnt bare to wear anything fitted i.e. tights/leggings. But now I have come to accept I am fat. It aint gonna get any better. I dont care. So I am ok wearing tighter stuff now. I thought I would go into work in a skirt or shorts tomorrow teamed with tights.

But I had a look at my work skirts and tights....theyre so tired and worn looking. I never pay much for my clothes. I always buy online so much cheaper from ebay people selling unwanted clothes complete with their tags! So I cleared out some crap, I could have done this ages ago if I knew the state of my wardrobe!

So this meant I was then looking at clothes online. Luckily you can get new with tags boohoo clothes for like £5 of ebay. So new school wear wont cost too much. Not everything is worn out but the stuff that is ok is my winter wear - wool skirts etc

Now just doing dinner

I will do a growwithjo later and have my weekly pamper in the bath

tomorrow is school T^T

first self harm thoughts of the school term

 Evening

I was really low in bed last night. 

Had my first self harming thoughts of the school term!

I havent told anyone tho, dont want them to worry. I wasnt gonna do anything, I just had thoughts. Thoughts about whats the point of my life, what makes me happy? when do I feel happy? whats the point of my life? that kinda lovely thinking

I fell asleep around 10pm, I had played Okami over an hour

We got up early for food shopping, which went fine.

We got home and had a brew after unpacking, I had the other half of my breakfast as I couldnt face eating breakfast before shopping as I already had stomach ache. I wanted to get off shopping and not sitting on the toilet. So I ate when I got in.

I cleaned Oz out

I cleaned the bathroom

we had lunch

I then flopped on my bed, I was wanting sleep. But my phone rang

my dad was on his way over to sell the corsa on my driveway

well that was it. Wide awake. Just staring blankly at my wall. Who can sleep when they know my dad is round the corner. So I got up

he came and was outside with the people, I started cleaning out my new car. I know its suppose to rain allllll of next week so I am not gonna wash it this weekend just to drive through puddles. But I thought i would disinfect the inside at least. Jack saw what I was doing and instantly came to give me a hand ^^

my dad left after selling the corsa

I then sat down with a brew

we got up and went for a walk for 50mins which was quite nice. We got back and had an early bath. Then Jack went to go game. I was looking at clothes online as you do.

Then I got on with dinner as I was hungry.

after dinner, I did my daily routine of watering the grass seed

then I cut out the magnets for my garage door and it is finished off nicely now ^^

it got to 6:15pm and Jack was saying I just need to sit quietly for a bit now. Done too much and I know I have been on the go all time. He says tomorrow I gotta have a rest day T^T the hardest of days. we might go garden centre tho tomorrow :3 

so I am currently sat in my lounge with ricky gervais show on dvd playing cus I needed to see it again. Oz is by my feet. I need to do some actual drawing tho

tomorrow

should be an easier day? ^^;

I am already done

 Evening

I was struggling to sleep last night, my mind was too busy. So we got up til 10:30pm and I took a sleeping tablet I did eventually drop off. At 6am tho I needed more sleep -_______-

we both had stomach issues  this morning would you believe! Jack was dying on the toilet, cus of stress - hes also got ulcers as he gets when hes stressed out. Then after breakfast I had to go die on the toilet. I had to sit with the hot bag during the car journey. We didnt leave til 7:45am tho!!! so we were a bit late this morning but stress and stomachs dont go well!

school

I didnt think my day was gonna be that bad, then a teacher wanted help with her classroom display. God I did not know it was gonna be such a job. I had sweat running down my back, my forehead was soaked, my hair was wet, my pants were wet. Yup I felt really quite grim. I asked mum if she would pop over to my house to pop the hot water on so I could shower when I got in. 

I was exhausted. so spent. Jack said I looked shattered. I was so done

I txted mum to say how things were and she said she would leave coming over today as shes been busy and had got to go fetch her car.

I got home, showered, lunch, bed

woke up almost 2 hours later......did not realise I was quite that tired....

I got up and looked at recipes and wrote out the shopping list for tomorrow, I cut my nails and fussed Oz and basically sat on my ass~

Jack came home and showered, we had dinner and I think hes now getting ready to game. I am by myself tonight. But thats fine. Might actually do some drawing? I may have a design in mind

tomorrow

food shop, clean Oz, and any other chores I gotta do

I got through my first week, well half week. Already this tired. Yup I can tell I am back

only another 37 years then I can retire!

looking forward to wearing my new molcar hair clip tho ^^

witnessed a squirrel death

 Evening

I went to bed with tummy ache. That dull tummy ache I seem to get after my evening meal -____- I didnt have long in the bath as the bath was making my stomach feel worse.

We got up for school, Oz made a break for it so we had to both try and get him from under the bed...I taxed my car before leaving the house. On the way to school we went to a fuel station so the car is all set to go now! and after all that we were only 2 mins late! we did well

school felt slow, I was doing computer work and I found it hard work. Just because I suck massively at excel....I got the rest of my stuff done ok tho. I couldnt wait to leave tho

On my way home, I witnessed death

Yup I watched a squirrel run on the otherside of the road and the on coming car hit it...like 4 metres from me. I watched the whole thing and I can replay it many times over in my head. It is ingrained into my memory, that footage. the squirrel body the landed on my side of the road, luckily there was not another on coming car so I was able to swerve to miss it as no way was I running over an animal,, dead or not. It was horrible. It was quick no suffering happened. But I honestly felt like I was going to throw up. I was about 2mins from my house. i got out the car and my stomach felt like i was on a boat.

I got home, dumped my stuff and went straight to Oz to give him a big fussing. Told him - as I do everyday - that hes my life and I love him so much

My mum turned up shortly after and I gave her a cuddle and told her what I had seen. I did manage a bit of lunch 

She left me and in all honesty, I didnt know what to do with my afternoon. I was tired, my head was banging, I had no art work on the go.

So I did a bit of googling for ideas for a halloween picture. I have maybe some idea now?

Then I flopped on my bed and had Hammington time. I made sure NOT to fall asleep as I need to sleep tonight! So I was just there for 45mins

I got up and still didnt do a lot if I am honest

Jack was late home as he wanted to go warhammer shop in the city >.> 

when he came home I had dinner ready. I had only a bit of tummy ache

I somehow managed the strength to go just dance for 25mins. Originally I was just gonna go on it for 2 songs. Just so I felt better about myself instead of feeling like a fat lazy oaf, but I actually got into it and sweated.

I had a shower instead of a bath as it was getting late. Then fussed Oz and took him home, I keep giving him dandelion leaves and other leaves out my garden to go to bed with. Theyre all gone in the morning. Bless him. Good for his teeth and digestion.

Love my loaf

tomorrow

friday, I have 1 practical at school, I have 1 easy chemical to make up for it so yeah I think tomorrow should be ok really. Me and mum said we might go somewhere after school but depends on how I am feeling kinda thing.