Evening
ahhh I'm a lil lonely
Been home alone a lot today
and I havent really enjoyed it
So last night i was shattered
I got all my stuff ready for the morning and set an alarm for 6:30am
morning came and I woke up at 6:15am so I didnt need the alarm after all
i staying in bed for 10 minutes then got up
put my girls out who looked put out that they were being turfed out at 6:30am XD
I even had time to clean them out
had breakfast did some stretches as well then went to adams
got to his for 7:45am
steve asked "have you got your bar code for park run?"
i hadnt...its usually attached to my trousers but id forgotten
he said "you go get it"
i went to my car and remembered if put a spare in there! so I thanked my past self
as i didnt have to go back home.
He said "are you waking adam up?"
now i did want to, adam never said i couldnt but he'd just done a busy 13 hour shift
steve sent me upstairs XD
so i went on his bed and he was grouchy as he's not a morning person
but he soon came round and gave me cuddles and kisses and said it was a good
way to wake up
then i left him for park run
there was soooooo many people there over 400!
ive never done such a busy park run!
i felt a bit on edge round so many people like that
we started and it was warm
but the path was tarmac and totally flat
like no hills or anything it was quite strange
2 laps in total
i felt it went ok
a ran my fastest to the finish and woman went to over take me
out of no where! pushed in front of me, my legs were like jelly i almost fell over
and all for what so she could gain point of a second?
why do some people take it so seriously?!
if she had knocked me over i would have kicked off big style
i walked off best i could my legs felt boneless
and then someone walked by me and i thought "i know them!"
it was antony and joy! what were the odds!!!
So i pounced on antony from behind X3
he said he was just gonna get a drink and would be back
so i waited as i wasnt sure how far behind adam's parents were
then i had my music playing and antony put his arm round me and i almost went for him XD
he made me jump and said "got my own back"
we talked for a bit til adams parents turned up so i introduced them
usually i forget introductions XD
we went home then
i stayed at adams for half hour til he went to work
then i came home for a much needed shower
i had my pre-made lunch from yesterday
then i crashed on my bed for an hour i was done in
i checked my time when i got up
id done 29.01 minutes!
new PB!!! and its under my target of 30 mins so im happy with that ^^
and then i checked what had come in the post
and it was my Naruko!!!!!
Look a complete pair!!!!
so now I have 3 XD I guess its good in case one breaks
Safe to say i had ago learning two dances with the Naruko
feels much better having a pair
but im still finding it difficult if im honest
oh and i uploaded a dance yesterday too
i finished making Nigel's card that looks alright
and i applied to those 2 jobs as well
did 2 doodles as well
basically been trying to keep myself busy as i have been a bit lonely today
my brother rang to check up on me even tho im older XD
he said he would call in for 5 mins i didnt say i was lonely
he needed some bike parts
he had a friend on the other end trying to find me on facebook...and asking if i was single...
i told my brother to tell him i look like a whale and that i could put him in his place
my brother and his mate turned up
my brother went upstairs i came downstairs and saw his friend stood on the drive
i looked at him and raised one eyebrow he started backing away with his hands up XD
i tried talking to him a bit
later my brother said he found me scary XD
i have an excellent skill of repelling men
i made myself dinner when my brother went
then he came back and said he'd got to go meet at someone's house
up and hill on his bike, seeing as i wasnt busy and wanted the company
i gave him a lift
and now im back by myself
im tired too
might try a bit more Yosakoi then watch anime
tomorrow ive got to clean up a bit which i started tonight
ready for mum to come home
then ive GOT to see adam according to his dad
as he wasnt impressed that he had adam last sunday as i didnt come up and see him XD
says he's my responsibility on a sunday
so i guess we've got to do something
but with it being so damn hot all the time
i never know what to do to be honest
Evening~~
ahhhh I was so tired last night
I slept pretty well too
I was awake from 6:45am
didnt really want to go to school but knew
it was the best thing for me to be doing
i was sure to say bye to my mum before i left
I will miss her and I could tell she was anxious about leaving
and about leaving me
shes only 40miles away XD
School was different
no maths for started
the morning consisted of assembly and a bit of work
during the bit of work stage i was called through to the head teacher's office
with him and the dept head
stuff at a table with two men
not my ideal situation
it was feedback about my interview
which i was anxious about but turns out i didnt need to be anxious at all
they were really good and supportive of me
it was quite surprising that i had found people willing to support me
they said how i can do my job well and other good pointers
it was constructive and i was glad i was able to have it
I went home at lunch and just had cereal and a yogurt
felt the need for liquid food as i was about to spend the next 2+ hours in 28c heat...
i rushed round the house looking for sun cream
lathered that on and grabbed my hat and sun glasses and left
it was sports day
so that meant everyone outside
i had to just follow round the boys i usually work with
it was warm the kids were hot
it was a good day and stuff and i didnt need to look an idiot with a teacher
doing the 3 legged race as she wasnt up for it
and we would have surely come last trust me
so i was saved there
i could feel my skin burning tho...
I came home and did a few jobs whilst still in my work wear
got changed into slacks and danced for 15 mins which lead to me being dripping
so i went for a much needed shower
my skin tingled under the water so i hoped i hadnt burned myself
i dont like the burn look
but where it is round my neck and i cover it up if need be
im hoping i will be ok
guess it will truly find out tomorrow
i made myself a salad for dinner and one for lunch tomorrow
looked after my hot piggies
and went online for a lil while
my brother has ordered pizza tonight XD
pizza is such 'go to' for him
i needed cool food
I watched anime whilst eating my salad
trying to get into another anime but not sure if im finding it dull
tomorrow~~
Im up at 6:30am to put my piglets out before it gets hot
then they go home when i have to leave the house at 7:40am to get to adam's
when im there i will creep into his room and wake him XD he said i could
then we're leaving at 8am for a park run i havent done before
so tonight im putting songs on my ipod for it, need new material
adams mum and dad are taking me park run which is nice of them
then i will come home, shower, clean my pigs out and then i have 2 jobs to apply to
and a card to make for nigel which i have started here
with my new water colours which are amazing quality
my little devil girl, its gotta be something he can tell its from me ;)
Evening~~
I was shattered last night and slept pretty well
woke up at 8am
I had a few jobs to do in the morning and then at 10:30am
i went out the shops I picked up
some tights reduced to £1
This weird eye liner pencil which is like powder reduced to £2.20
4 pairs of pants 2 were £2 2 were £1
gotta love new pants i loooovee new pants
some shampoo, cleanser, facial wipes
I came back and had lunch with mum
adam texted me to say he'd finished work and was off to the phone shop for
a new phone upgrade
i told him i wasnt arsed and to go home afterwards and id come to him
i was in a mood
the moment i saw him
triggered a mood
not a pleasant one
i didnt want affection or to give affection i didnt want him touching me
adam on the other hand...
he'd not really seen me for a while
ok well last week we'd met up for 2 hours
the whole week and 2 hours
then it has been a whole week since those 2 hours (didnt realise it)
so he was like an excited puppy
all over me
and when i didnt want that it made a situation worse
i was moving away and pushing him off me
a small part of me knew that this behaviour was hurting him
but i couldnt stop myself i just didnt want it
he kept asking me "you alright?" "everything ok?"
i would simply reply "yes" "i'm fine"
eventually he put his foot down (rare occasion) and said
"youve got to stop keeping this to yourself i need to know whats going off in your mind"
man i so did not want to talk about it all i really didnt
so we hashed out what was wrong, whats been going off
i quizzed him asked him why he was still with me, surely this isnt nice for him, why does he put up with me, hes free to come back in a years time if he'd fed up with me
he assured me a 1000 times that he loved me, not going anywhere and he'd truly missed me
as lovely as that all was i still wouldnt shake off my mood
eventually my mood snapped and i felt better
and even adam said "i feel like ive got you back!"
i said "yeah i feel alright now"
like coming back from a dark hole
and i was fine, best id been all day
then i left for yoga
yoga was baking and i didnt want to go mum really did
so i went for her
but it was hot and i was starting to get annoyed at why id bother coming
but we did tone it down and i got into it more
and it was ok
came home and had beans on toast with mummy
tomorrow it's school
and its sports day to which i will ether be a part of or i will be doing jobs
im fine ether way i just want to get the job done and dusted
the head teacher is gonna give me feedback about my interview as well
which in a way im quite anxious about
cant cope with people being negative to me right now
my parents go away as well so im on pet duty
theyre off to derbyshire for the weekend
Evening~~
What an eventful day~
I didn't sleep that well
wasnt feeling tired for some reason
I was waking from 6am
So I had blood test this morning
ugh i hate them and was quite nervous all morning
and especially in the doctors waiting room
the nurse called me in pretty quickly so i didnt have too much time to stew
The whole thing was over and done with quickly shes so amazing!
and i didnt pass out
whats more is that my annual thyroid test was done at the same time
so two birds one stone!
i recovered at home
then showered, did hair and make-up my war paint
and practised a bit of maths and got stuff ready for my interview
and somehow managed to eat lunch
then it was off to school
the group of children i had were lovely and truly had fun
i enjoyed it and got into it
then i had the grilling which i guess went ok
then i had the maths and english activity which i did find difficult i have to say
and by 2:30 i was done and left
i felt it went ok and i didnt screw up too much
i knew from this morning i wouldnt get the job
that gut feeling but pushed myself to get the experience
i got home and sat with mum
then went on my laptop for a lil bit
i then decided i was gonna go record a dance outside
down the road there wasnt really any people about but it was hot
my body felt sluggish in the heat
i watched the video back and all i could think was how fat i looked
so i gave up and came back inside
but felt i had done well to even dance outside
i enjoyed it and would like to try it again
i got the phone call from the head teacher confirming that gut feeling of not getting the job
i was 100% fine with it, and didnt beat myself up
think id gone past the stage of caring so i was fine and still am
he said i did really well and had the job grade been lower he would have had me but had to go with someone with much more years experience
and thats fine
no point me going into a job im gonna get stressed at because im experienced enough
so that was that. dont want to bang on about it and want to move on with the experience
tonight feels like its gonna be boring
its hot and i dont know what i want to do with myself
tomorrow ive got the whole day to do as i please
think i ve got to see adam cus yeah i havent seen him in quite a while
thought id show off my hoodie~
Evening~~
I actually didn't sleep too bad
the help the staff had given me in regards to my interview
had helped me and sorted stuff out in my head
It was another hot hot day!
seriously its too hot
staff dont wanna work
kids dont wanna learn
so why dont we all go home?
So my morning started off with hmmm let me think
ahh it was maths of course! and followed by, could it be?
it couldnt possibly
yup English!
jesus
it wasnt too bad tho
I saw the dept head and I said a polite energetic "morning" to him
he turned to me "you wont be feeling this good tomorrow morning"
ack! how dare he!! challenge accepted
i said "im not losing to you! i will be just fine!"
yup thats my feisty side...talking to a dept head like that...
he did say when i was talking to him later that he's keen to find about
the japanese dancing i do...i had put that under my 'hobbies' in the application form
i was really shocked he'd remembered what i had written!
I came home for lunch and had the house to myself for half of lunch
I went back to school to find I was in year 6 for the first half of the afternoon
put with 2 children, one of which does grate on my nerves
nice kid, just really annoying
2nd part of my afternoon went to a year 3 boy
i had to literally follow him and his group round a field whilst he filled in a work sheet with 2 year 2 girls who had come up with their class to learn about theyre new school and this kid who i havent worked with before did my nut in. i d had enough of him
school ended and i was sure to thank the teacher for all her input
i also walked out of school thinking
"it really is pot luck what kinda kid you have, what if i have a kid and it ends up being a total brat like the ones today?" not worth it
if i want kids
adopt
simple
i can pick them then XD
I came home and had a brew and quick moan about my day to mum
i dont know how but we got on to the subject of my mental health
and i was talking about it
she is finding it difficult, hard and tiring
i feel sorry for her and im not sure what it is i can do to help really
it was 28c outside but i went for a run
my god a bit stupid but did it anyway
i ran to the skate park and went to see my brother for the first time on his bmx at a skate park, luckily there was only one of his friends with him so i didnt embarrass him too much
i ran home, rather red in the face and dived in the shower
i was hot! i cooled down eventually
i printed out the sheets i need for tomorrow
the sheets i made ready for my interview lesson i have to do
i had dinner and after dinner i sat did some maths cus some stuff i suck at
but i have a better understanding now
im gonna have another go at it tomorrow morning so its fresh in my mind
so tomorrow i do not want to wake up
not in the slightest
i have a blood test at 9am
jesus a bloody blood test that sodding early
i hate it i really hate it
mum hates it as she has to take me and deal with me!
hopefully i will behave and be ok
then im coming home, showering the sweat off me from blood test
getting the final few things ready for my interview
have lunch if i can stomach it then go for my interview at 1pm
crapping myself
i will know by the end of the day if i have job or not
im fine ether way i really honestly am
i can only do my best
tonight mia wanted to see me
but i had stuff to do, i wasnt in the mood to talk as i felt too distracted
adam keeps telling me he's missing me
i brushed him off saying "probably only cus im a source of entertainment for you" knowing he'd watched tv and dossed all day he said "no its cus i love you and want to give you hugs and kisses" ehhh i dont need any of that right now. I didnt lie to him and say "that would be lovely i want to give you hugs and kisses back" i just kept pushing him away
as usual really
mum said today she doesnt know why adam is still hanging around
any other person would have had enough by now
Evening
thats 2 nights on the trot ive lost sleep over this damn interview!!
ahhhh stressing
Anyway so last night I was in a mood like I had been all weekend
I some how found the strength (even through the unbearable heat) to dance
and i danced with my bedroom door open (i NEVER do that with family home) and I danced where I could be seen in my bedroom by my parents who were outside in the garden (i am never on show when I dance!)
I just got on with it really not caring cus i know im not brilliant at dancing but its fun and I felt i had to do something to make me smile once again
and it did
and before I knew it the loneliness disappeared i wasnt alone anymore in my self
I felt better for it but my god was i sweaty! shower was needed!
this morning was school
and whereas i wasnt particularly looking forward to my trip to school and bumping into the head teacher i felt fine about it all since last night really
so i walked into school fine
the head teacher pounced on me saying thanks for agreeing to the interview
i said i was nervous he told me not to be that id be fine
i had a lot of staff asking me if i had gotten an interview
they clearly must like me is my guess
the teacher ive been working with talked to me about my interview and i told her what planning i had done so far she said if i showed her the curriculum sheet i was given in the email that she'd give me a help with it! so much kindness ^^
we had maths and english this morning as per usual
at lunch i went on my laptop (very rushed lunch) and printed out the sheet
i came back to school and the teacher did help me and i felt better after it as it had given me some help, guidance and understanding of just what i needed to achieve.
the afternoon consisted of a very hot green house like classroom, the kids were hot and clearly didnt want to work cus lets face it who wants a whole afternoon dedicated to english when its hot and should have been doing ICT.
I came home
hot
but waiting to shower til late tonight
i couldnt sit still
even tho i was tired
mum said she's finding me hard to deal with
shes reaching out to friends who may know therapists as the hypnotherapist never got back to us, one person gave me a website about DID and ive tried to read some but my brain is fried with other stuff right now but i will read it eventually its called pods-online
I sat doing my worksheet for the lesson ive got to give in my interview
ive also sat and taught myself how to do long multiplication as i can never bloody do it
and i know i will probably end up getting a question in the maths section of my interview
dont wanna look too stupid
but a TA told me today that i dont have to get 10/10 on my maths just as long as i get some right and show understanding. made me feel 1000x better!
my piggies had to wait patiently to out as they hadnt been outside since 8am and had to wait til gone 6:30pm. with it being sunny and 28c it wasnt safe for them to be outside
so im keeping an eye on them bless em
I rescheduled my appointment with my psychologist and as predicted i have to wait to 2 weeks to see Mr. Important. load of crap. he does nothing anyway!
tonight
hmmm tonight what shall i do~~
its a lil hot and humid for a run i reckon unless i go late late
or i could dance
i could even try my yosakoi as its only dad in and i doubt he'd hear my naruko XD
finding it hard but wanna do it!
tomorrow is school then practising a bit more maths
New school shoes!
Evening~
I hardly slept
I was up til 1am thinking about my interview
worrying about it and what to do about it
I woke up a lot from that by fighting with my bed sheets
I woke up at 9am
I didn't know what I wanted to do today
I knew I had to go out and get a few supplies for my interview
and i told mum my running shoes were rubbing (theyre like 5/6 years old)
so we went out to morrisons and tk maxx
i got my interview stuff and new shoes
we came back and I started sewing the final pieces of my jacket together
im pleased to say its finished
didnt take too long and I sat in front of Hanayamata anime whilst doing it
adam had texted saying "i can see if you after lunch if you like"
i said "yeah i'll see"
he said "whats to see?"
I said "i have a few jobs to do"
what i wasnt telling him was how crap and low i was feeling
really bad lately
feel such a shell a sad sad shell of my former self
I ended up laying on my bed
crying
and whilst its good in a way to feel some sort of emotion in stead of being numb
being sad has its limits
i was sad, frustrated and confused and lonely
it hurts
mum found me, im sure she always knows when im silently crying to my self
like a 6th sense
she said her and dad were off out but when she found me she listened to my unhappy speech and then said she didnt want to leave me, she offered for me to go with her dad and i said "dad never wants me there with you" she said "he doesnt mind" he does
she went downstairs and i could hear her whispering to dad that i wasnt happy and for me to go with them and i heard dad say "tell her to get her butt outside"
so i ended up with a blotchy face, red eyes, messed hair and tears down my face
going out with them
it was baking hot today
we walked through some woods near adam's house
then called in a cafe for an ice cream
it was nice and i did enjoy my time out rather than home alone
but i was ready to come home
i came back to my room
not being able to bare any more of the day and my mindset and tiredness
i fell asleep on my bed
i woke up to the sound of my phone
adam had texted me
clearly missing me
i worked out that we'd only spent 2 hours together this whole week
which is probably the least time ever since we've been going out
i can tell it hasnt sat right with him
but i feel like i have bigger things to worry and deal with
once again i dont give back the feelings he gives out
i told him i wasnt good today and he said he'd guessed it was
because i wasnt good mentally
i told him it wouldnt have been fair to him on his day off to deal with me like this as i wasnt in the mood or even had the energy to pretend i was ok and talk to him and his family
he said that he would have talked to me out the way but i said i dont feel like talking helps, talking just lets others know whats going off in my messed up mind
when did life become so hard, sad and empty?
its never ending
i know im pushing adam away but it wouldnt have been fair on him dealing with me like this
i didnt want his affection or company ether to be honest
im lonely but its not the company i seem to want
ive got school tomorrow
im kinda dreading it
as much as im grateful for work and i will get the work done
its not what i want
i dont want to see the head teacher in case he talks about my interview
i just dont want any of it
what i do want is to sleep
sleep for a very long time
sleep until i feel the sadness has passed
im tired and i feel like im only gonna cry at this rate
Evening~
Last night I was left alone til 10pm
I did some dancing and practised with my lonely Naruko doing Yosakoi
its sooooooo hard! Im not used to dancing with a prop and one what you have to shake as well. So i have a routine to learn and shaking in time with the routine!
its good and i want a pair of Naruko to practise with
i also started watching the Yosakoi anime Hanayamata
its cute and im liking the Yosakoi theme
i watched the last episode of Friday Night Dinner I had missed when I slept over at adams a few weeks ago, it was disappointing but i was glad i had ticked it off my 'to watch' list
i waited for my parents to come home then went to bed
I slept well as Id saved some cold and flu - night tablets
always seem to give me a deep sleep
In the morning I got up for park run
I could tell I was still not well but I was not gonna miss it
so I got ready
my brother filled me in on his exhibition night which went well
says his was the best and that surprised me, not because i think his work is
bad but because he said something positive about his work!
usually he's always pulling it to pieces
so im happy that he could say something positive about his work
im yet to see the film he has made that was at his exhibition
mum said his was easily the best XD
Park run was alright
I did find it a bit difficult just because i was coughing and blowing my nose
whilst running which isnt fun
but i tried and i enjoyed it, it was good weather for it also
i ended up doing a new PB of 30:18
i ran 5k in 30mins so im pleased with that
and its sooooo close to the under 30 min mark im aiming for!
I will hit that mark one day!
I came back and showered, massaged my legs, face packed
and then had a brew watching a few youtube videos i had to catch up on
im a lil sad that i havent contributed to youtube as of late
but i will! i havent given up!
im thinking of asking my brother if i can borrow his tri-pod to put my camera
on outside and do a quick dance record
havent had the guts to ask him or dance outside yet
but i hope i will!
I checked my emails
id been given an interview for the school ive been doing a lot of supply work for
i was relieved i was offered an interview as they know me and to be not given an interview would have made me feel like i was bad at my job.
but its a double edge sword as its made me feel quite uneasy
i mean no one likes interviews unless your egotistical and like talking about yourself
but this one is particularly difficult
in fact id go as far as to say its the most difficult interview ive been tasked with
on Wednesday 27th June at 1pm
I have got to
prepare a lesson to 6 year 5 students (aged 10) about fractions for 15 minutes
i have got to sit and english and maths questions (to test if im thick i believe)
a formal interview with the head teacher
and if thats not daunting i dont know what is!
I was told by a Teaching assistant at the school on friday that when she did the interview 4 years ago she had to do 8 SATS maths questions and the english was to write a letter as to why you want the job. I have sat a SATS paper before
i did really bad at it....my english sucks as well as having dyslexia makes life harder
so whilst i was happy id been given an interview i was also having a mini melt down
why did i have to do fractions!? i can do them but i mean couldnt i do art?
so i was having a google at interesting ways to teach fractions
i didnt want to walk in there doing simple equations so ive come up with an idea of buying some cheap 500ml drinks, pouring away the contents, filling a little with coloured water. Grab a tennis ball and then bowl down the bottles then they have to write down what fraction of say blue bottles they hit down, i only have 15 mins so i
want it to be different and fun.
so i started making some maths sheets to use, designing them myself of course ^^
I did some sewing before i sat down and did any interview work as i wanted to do something i wanted to do. I had on Hanayamata anime whilst sewing :D I got pretty far actually and I only have the pockets, sleeves and hood to sew on and then it is finished! I originally wasnt sure on the colours but ive come to like their combo
here's the lace ive been using
then I went to bed as i was feeling a bit like death
mum was shocked at the park run time id achieved whilst feeling poorly
when i woke up i had a bit of a melt down
well i think it was a bit of a moan and and bit of what was on my mind as of late
i told her how i was worrying about my interview
not just because its an interview but because of, do i want a permanent job?
i feel ive been halfheartedly saying I do
but do I?
ever since I had my first job at aged 22 Ive done casual work
nothing was ever in concrete which has its pros and cons
but it meant that if i couldnt or didnt want to work for what ever reason that i could
having a permanent job makes things seem a bit daunting and adult almost
i know eventually i NEED a permanent job
i worry that is it a teaching assistant job i want?
will i be any good at it? i look at other TAs and theyre so brilliant at their job
i was getting teary at this point
what do i want in life? im not happy
and i dont even know what it is i need to do to make myself happy
what do i want? if i dont know who is gonna know?
i dont want the same life that seems mapped out for all adults
job - house - marriage - children - retirement
its so dull, so everyday, so mundane
its not enough for me
to even buy a house in Nottingham is something i would hate to do
i dont want to live in this city
if i have kids i dont want to bring them up in this country
im not sure i want to be in this country
i am by no means saying i want to be famous or a celebrity or rich
i dont want any of those life styles
but i dont know what i want, im lost. im goal-less
im sad...
mum said to me that now is not the right time to be thinking of a career change
as my head isnt in the right frame of mind, i havent been a 'proper' TA as ive been doing supply work
it will be different belonging to a school
everyone gets lost time to time.
i dont have the same emotions as everyone else (currently)
which is making my perspective on life different
i need to get my head sorted out
dont get stressed, if continuing with agency work suits you do just that
money isnt everything
maybe finding someone with the same interests as you might help
cus thats another thing, i live in a bubble
my bubble
no one enters my bubble
no one around me has the same interests as me remotely
i love japanese culture, japanese dancing, japanese idols and music and the japanese language
i love to dance, draw, be active and creative
i have mia who likes to draw and be a bit creative, tara is creative and so is lynn. but no one shares my love of all things japanese and dancing
im alone in everything i do
me and adam come from 2 very different worlds and i wonder how long my relationship will last with him sometimes. as i find it dull at the best of times. we dont do anything together of interest because our interests differ so greatly. I cant talk to him about music or japanese and he cant talk to me about sports he has no interests or hobbies in fact he doesnt do anything with him self he's happy to watch life pass him by for life to become stagnant but im always fighting that.
i sometimes wonder if we're meant to be
especially lately as my emotions have all but been turned off
i have no love or affection for him. kissing him with no emotion feels so empty and forceful
but i know its unfair on him to make a decision whilst not in the right frame of mind
its also unfair to string someone along. Ive tried to tell him but its hard telling someone "im mentally deranged at the moment and therefor have no love for you" ive told him i feel numb and im struggling. I feel like im being a friend to him whereas his feeling for me have no changed in the slightest. He has so much feeling and love for me and i dont ever feel or give that back. But if he wasnt happy with it im sure he'd say.
so much of my life is up down and nothing is certain
its difficult
i wish i knew what it was i wanted to do
my hobbies are just that, hobbies. i couldnt make a job out of them
i have no idea how to go about getting others to join my band wagon
im lost
anyway ive ranted enough
im fed up of being sad and empty
im ready to fill myself with lots of things
its just knowing how to go about doing that
tomorrow hasnt been decided yet
i just know ive got to go out by some bottles for my interview and food colouring
Oh i got my new school shoes in the post today
my new converse :D
Evening~~
I didn't sleep too bad last night
but I was tired and aching
I woke up aching + extra aches from yoga
but got ready for school~
School was a bit different today
I about thought id walked into the wrong classroom
when she said "were doing P.E. today"
wow P.E. something fun and non-writing!
I thought I was gonna be lucky enough to join them in playing rounders
just so i could beat a load of 9 year olds XD but sadly she gave me TA jobs to do
wasnt so bad just very repetitive but I got to speak to other TAs
and talked about interviews and such
I came home for lunch then went back to school
where she had me doing TA jobs all afternoon so I wasnt in class much
but i cant complain at that really
Im in a mood that im not sure what i truly want to be doing
so everything feels slightly off and like a chore
The head teacher asked me to come into school
next Monday Tuesday and Friday
and whilst im grateful to have work and money i just know
im gonna be bored and it isnt what I want to do
but I know I will get through it
I came home and ate
feel like ive eaten loads this week
maybe its my cold? ether way its making me go a bit mental with anorexic thoughts
want to have a week of starving myself
feel fat
look fat
ugh nothing seems good right now and i want it to change!
Having work next week means ive got to miss
my massage with Karen and my psychotherapy appointment with bob
which may seem bad especially as knowing how "busy and important" he is he wont be able to fit me in for another 2 weeks (usually happens) but I said to mum that he isnt doing anything for me anyway so im not missing out really even tho it will end up being 6 weeks from my last session
id rather see a hypnotherapist which mum rang today and we're waiting to hear back from
My brother has his presentation exhibition tonight in the city centre for his Uni course
my parents are attending, im not
dont think i could go through with that with the way im feeling
throats might get ripped out
so im staying home alone for a couple of hours
and i had the most ingenious that id blast out some music and do some dancing
yup thats what im doing in less than an hour's time
which works out well as its very hot today so running might not be pleasant
speaking of running
its park run tomorrow
woo yeah!!! I am pumped for that!
i wanna go! i wanna run!
well looking forward to it
not bothered about my time, place or anything
just want to run and take over at least 1 person XD makes me feel better
and usually i over take A LOT of people
so thats tomorrow
after park run Im not sure what im doing but i might do some sewing
Thought i'd take a photo of the sole Naruko I got in the post yesterday
and what I have been refunded for as well
might have a go with it tonight
I have since ordered another pair, identical to this one
