just another sunday

Konbanwa

I got up at 8:15am
my joints cracked so much it was gross
went to see my Ozwald

I spent my morning making food basically
cooked the turkey
made soup
made biscuits
helped mum with tonights dinner
then i paid for my car insurance 
did 25mins of yoga and 25 mins of dancing
then went for a shower
by time i had got out it was 1pm
i had achieved a fair bit with my morning ^^

i had bread for lunch which i didnt really enjoy
i thought i had really missed bread but when it came to eating it
it was a bit like meh really
but i am grateful it didnt give me stomach ache that is one good thing

i started making mum's ipod pouch she wanted making
but i ended up running out of energy
went to sleep for an hour but even so i felt so done in
i laid there for another hour
my body felt so exhausted
i tried not to get annoyed with this
but in the end i got up and ate a load of food cus i wondered if i was hungry
and after that i was able to continue on
made mum's ipod pouch she liked it very much

then tidied up really and had food
that was my day
i have got to do my physio exercises yet
and also paint my nails
but im not doing anything amazing on them
too tired and they will probably get wrecked at work anyway

tomorrow is work
ugh monday
monday is my busiest day too -___-
my birthday on friday tho XD

Introducing foods - bread

Konbanwa

I slept well last night
i took my blood pressure twice yesterday and twice it was in the red high zone...
i woke up at 7:30am and did my blood pressure in bed
it was still high...this is very strange as mine has always been stupidly low
i went to let Ozwald out
I bathed the pigs this morning, yesterday they had their claws clipped today was bath time so theyre all fresh and lovely. not that they appreciated it
truffle tried to make a break for freedom but slipped on the plug hole and landed in the water, so she looked like a drowned rat. luckily i picked up and the water wasnt deep so she wasnt coughing or anything she looked shocked and just let us continue after that XD
I tried to do a bit of yoga this morning but my body was just so damn tired
i got showered and did a bit of make up and went out to have my hair cut
cus my god it needed doing

from there i went to jack's
we went food shopping for biscuits
brought £20 worth of cheap biscuits as my god the science staff get through a lot of biscuits
then we brought food for lunch after we checked a few cafes and realised there still isnt anything i can eat out yet, need to introduce more foods before i can eat out. im too limited at the moment

i thought about getting my ears pierced but i didnt feel up to it
so we went to jacks and warmed up soup and i had bread with mine
had bread today! first time in like 5 weeks
it was nice but i wasnt like blown away by it
milk has been a life saver so far
but i seemed to be ok with the bread so far

after we ate i just felt so tired and drained
jack asked what i wanted to do and i said "sleep"
he said no reason why you cant 
i said "well i did want to spend time with you today"
he said "i am happy to sleep with you"
so we cuddled and slept for over an hour
when i woke up we just laid and talked
he asked if i wanted to go out but i just didnt want to 
i just felt exhausted
so he said "shall i bring the pick and mix into bed with us?"
so i laid there whilst he grabbed the pot from the fridge
and we laid there eating chocolates and sweets in bed
it was really simple and really nice
i enjoyed it actually and he did
he said "actually go jo to relax today"
true very true

i went home and got into my pyjamas and had my dinner
and a small piece of bread
then had stomach pains
i hope its not the bread

i have got to have a blood test
if my thyroid isnt being medicated properly it can cause high blood pressure
but if i have a blood test and it reveals my thyroid is fine and medicated just right
then it means something else is up...something that causes high blood pressure and fainting
i am a little worried
and i have told mum and jack
jack said to get booked in ASAP and dont worry about work
i said "Ill probably faint and im not sure when i'll be able to get into work afterwards"
he said "sod work focus on yourself you need to get looked at"
i didnt want to worry him but i figured he'd need to know
i will ring up for an appointment on monday

tomorrow
i have:
soup to make
biscuits to make
turkey stakes to cook
an ipod fabric case to make for mum
art to do
exercise to do
maybe mia to see
full on day!
jack will be in derbyshire hiking with scouts for like 5 hours straight
enjoy
he will be tired on monday no doubt

thats all anyway

ditching the egg

Yay another week done!!

I went to bed with strong anorexic thoughts
thoughts of having to weigh myself in the morning and how fat I was
just relentless
i was determined i wouldnt fall victim to the scales in the morning

I slept pretty well last night
was a chore to get up for school
Oz used me for a treat this morning
i was able to be strong and not weigh myself

i got to work and just wanted to get the day done really
the day wasnt too bad
but my god my blood pressure felt really low
i was doing a lot of sitting down work today
and i did a display board which just needed things tacked on
but every time i lifted my arms up i felt the blood literally drain out of them instantly 
its like im not pumping blood hard enough well enough
so i did take it easier today as i didnt want to pass out
i have 4 practicals to look forward to on monday tho -__-

i got home and had a brew with Oz and cut the girls claws
the lovely job that it is to do
mum found the blood pressure machine for me
i had ago and it said I had high blood pressure! i said "its probably from cutting the girls claws"
cus that stresses me out XD
im gonna do it as soon as i wake up tomorrow
i had an omelette too

i went upstairs and fell asleep til dinner
i had got stomach pains i think from the egg so i was trying to crawl up into a ball and i ended up falling asleep
apparently answered my mum that i knew it was dinner time but in my sleep!
so she had to physically wake me ><
i had dinner
then i went for a walk and then did physio exercises

i dont think egg is agreeing with me
so im gonna ditch that one off the menu for now and i have a go later down the line
at the weekend i hope to try bread

im having my hair cut tomorrow!
thank god cus i can not see
and it needs a tidy
then i think im gonna go over to jack's for a bit he needs stuff and we need stuff for work also
i MIGHT get my ears pierced depending on how well i feel
then i'll be home in the evening

i am struggling with my thoughts at the moment
and my mum has said if i need to go and hypnotherapy then they'll support me with it
but i dont want to go 
i hope i'll be ok
but we shall see
mental health is an awful thing

Introducing Eggs + fainting at work

Evening~~

So yesterday I got up and ready for school

At the moment with my current diet I have noticed my medication is hitting me hard
so when I take it at 6:50am its usually an hour later I feel quite sick
then around 9ish I tend to feel a bit spaced out and dizzy
but what can I do but continue on?

so yesterday at work I was feeling dizzy and stuff
I was on the floor next to jack whilst we looked at stuff online for science
the phone rang, i got up to answer it and never actually answered it...
next thing i knew i was on the floor in the prep room
luckily it was just me jack and chris
jack got chris to phone for the nurse -___-
when she came wheeling the wheel chair in i said "you called the nurse?"
he said "course I did, you fainted!"
so they revived me and a couple of male science teachers walked in, saw me
one of them the nurse got to make me a cup of tea XD
jack was saying i should go home but i told him i didnt want to
id had enough of this happening and had enough of being poorly and going home
so i said i wanted to stay

so i basically had sitting down jobs to do all day
and jack told me what he was doing and where is was going and that i wasnt to get up
i said "but what if someone comes to the door?"
he said "sod the door you stay there"
so my day was a lil dry and very hard work as i felt like death and looked it apparently 
i had both male teachers asking how i was later on
one was surprised i was still even in school

after school finished i went over to jack's house
as i had been promised since monday an actual white hot chocolate
and that was what had been keeping me going all day
knowing we'd pop out just the two of us an have a hot chocolate
i told him "we get in, we get dressed and we go out dont let me sit down cus i wont get back up for a long time"
so thats what we did
and the hot chocolate was soooo nice and it comes with a hand made chocolate too
so good
we brought some chocolates to snack on

jack cooked dinner i didnt help as i was just dead
but it was the day i was introducing egg to my diet
and i just had the 1 egg, my stomach hurt a little bit but im putting that down to shock XD
then i just sat with him and theo
theo had been gym and i commented on how defined his leg muscles were looking
but he told me he needs to lose more body fat for other areas to look more defined
he then went on to say that woman can have a higher body fat than men and look thinner
so he googled this, and googled different body fat percentages on men and woman
so i was looking and jack kept trying to change the subject until he took an interest in his own phone and kept looking at me
when i went downstairs he followed me and cuddled me
i was like "you alright?"
he said "i just didnt like you seeing that sort of thing, it worries me. what with how your head is. i just didnt want theo showing you stuff to do with weight and fat and stuff"
he worries ><
i said "Im actually doing pretty alright it hasnt started any thoughts into action and i dont feel the need to overdose to get me through the night"
he seemed relieved
i went to bed about 20mins before jack as he was finishing clearing up after making soup
and i slept really well i think cus i was just so dead!

this morning i got up leaving jack in bed
after my shower i motivated him to getting up
i didnt feel too bad this morning

we got to school and i was feeling off and stuff 
but ive just got to get used to it
we're all hoping/thinking that when i start eating some actual carbs and more food i should be better and it might give my tablets something to be absorbed by
i keep having anorexic thoughts, like a part of me wants to continue on with the diet just because i have the possibility of losing more weight but i know i cant stay on this diet even if i wanted to as i would start to make myself sick.
just fed up of the thoughts really

i got home 
felt like an achievement completing the school day
i got Oz out straight away
and he sat on my knee straight away
we'd missed one another i think

then i went yoga
i didnt mouth off and even demonstrated for karen
it had nothing to do with the fact she had a special mat facing her mat just for me ^^;

i got in and made an omelet for dinner
egg again but ive had stomach pains so im wondering whats up there
im gonna have egg again tomorrow
i also made biscuits 
got all my stuff ready for school
unpacked stuff from jacks
doing my diary and its 8:45pm
i havent stopped

still last day tomorrow
then weekend of freedom!
introducing bread at the weekend! 

Introducing Food - Milk

Konbanwa~~

I had work yesterday
managed the day surprisingly well all things considered 
i mean i did have 1 moment but that was all
and that was me literally telling jack
"if i hear how fat i am one more time im gonna go mental"
cus yeah Jo's anorexic thoughts are still here to stay for the time being
and id had enough
it was starting to get me on the band wagon but i distracted myself with something else
I mean jack did reassure me that, of course, i am not fat
if anything i should feel better in myself for losing a few pounds
not want to lose more >.>
he asked if id stay over and to be honest i wasnt bothered
i was fine going home
but he seemed pretty set on the idea
saying we could go for a hot chocolate
now considering the chocolate shop shuts at 5:30pm, i needed to go home for my stuff first and I dont get in til 4:30pm and I needed to get to his and walk to the shop
i kinda thought "yeah he hasnt thought this through"
but i was waiting for the penny to drop
turns out it didnt drop til i was actually at his house after school and he said "shall we go out?"
i was like "its shuts in 5 mins" XD 
he looked disappointed and said "i have that instant stuff in my cupboard but you dont like that one" and looked kinda down but i said
"i was waiting for you to realise, but ive come to spend time with you not for a hot chocolate"

so in the end we just had a play fight and made food and watched anime
easy evening
i could feel my thoughts kicking up
so i took an extra codeine yes i know i shouldnt but it does fog up the mind nicely
he was annoyed at me, especially cus it meant by 9:30pm i was no good to anyone
we crawled into bed and i fell asleep on him
it was an early night for jack as hes usually in bed for midnight
but he didnt seem to mind

i got up this morning and felt groggy
but extra pain relief does that
i pay for it come my morning pain relief cus my god do i feel sick
i was walking into school looking like death with jack
he looked at me and was like "you sure youre ok to be here"
i said "its fine jack just a bad bit of morning sickness is all"
he said "dont be too loud saying that! i do not need those kinda rumours" XD

school was alright
i was sure to see chris
i thanked him for his guy talk as i said jack had opened up to me finally
i printed off my grim reaper picture and put it on the freezer everyone loves it X3
i made mischief of myself where ever i could
but got today done
and im doing really well
usually on a monday I AM DEAD for some reason mondays kill me
its my busiest day - biology wise but i did have a lot of running around to do and today as well but i am actually alright
dont know if its cus im actually processing food better
who knows
but i aint complaining

when i got home I saw Ozwald and had a brew with him as per usual
missed him this morning
hes alright tho
we've had molly a year now can you believe!!! mummy mole we call her X3
i did 35mins of yoga before dinner
then i have my physio ones to do yet >.>
got my stuff to take to jack's to get ready as well
as im staying over tomorrow and we are going to the hot chocolate place straight after school 

yesterday i started to introduce foods into my diet
ive chosen to start with milk
as ive been having it in my tea for a week now
but i actually drank a glass of it
i didnt die
but i will keep doing it for another day or so
so im drinking it today
and then tomorrow i am trying 1 egg 
i can actually start having different foods! 
ive had the odd bit of chocolate like chocolate drops in my biscuits so i think im ok with that
jack says we can have a hot chocolate and maybe some chocolate treats tomorrow X3
i just hope it all sits well - mentally - with me

so yeah school tomorrow then jack's
tomorrow lesson wise looks pretty quite again 

Grim Reaper Chibi

Konbanwa~~

I went to bed at 9pm
i went to bed feeling quite sad for some reason
maybe i was lonely
who knows

So nice to wake up naturally
no alarm or family to wake me
I woke up at 8:45am
went to put the pets out

then whilst they were outside I cooked off the turkey stakes for the week
and did my soup which has like everything in it XD
Put the pets away and used mum's little trick with Oz
he has learned that when the girls go home in the morning, he gets a treat - from mum
i thought id see if he'd do it for me too
so i shouted him
he ignored me
i rattled the treat box and he came XD
mum has got that rabbit whipped

i did some dancing and yoga and physio exercises which took just over an hour
i was hot and sweaty but felt good to work out
i had a shower then had lunch
after lunch i just laid on my bed for a bit my body was just tired
and i stayed there for a few hours i think

mum and dad came home
mum spoke to me whilst i laid on my bed
then we went downstairs, i got Ozwald and she opened her gifts and cards
she loved what i had gotten her X3

I went back to confines of my bedroom and worked on my grim reaper picture
which I actually got done!

im pleased with it
i was originally gonna do blue glowing round him but it looked naff so i left him how he was
im gonna put him on the biology fridge at work

had dinner then got stuff ready for school
my stomach feels knotted up and mentally im not quite right
like anxious or something not quite sure really
dont have anything to be anxious about i dont think
i hope i can sleep tonight
im gonna do my nails tonight, planning on doing butterflies 

Truth & Fears

Evening

despite it being a friday night, Jo was in bed for 9pm
Id had enough!
I slept pretty well too

This morning I got up at 8am
and saw the pigs downstairs
I went to clean them out at 8:20am whilst my mum and dad were still here
they left at 9:10am
i knew my dad wouldnt be able to get my mother out the house for 8:30am
and the sheer amount of stuff she took with them 0.0
unbelievable
only going for ONE night
but still they left
so I had my breakfast in peace and quiet

I did 30mins of straight dancing which I enjoyed
then went for a shower
then I made some more biscuits as I ate mine X3
i rested on my bed for a bit but got a txt from jack saying he was on his way
so i decided to have some lunch

he arrived and we sat and had a tea
i popped out to the garden centre for work stuff but they didnt have what we needed
we came back and i said "we can book japan if you like"
so we started looking and got up flights and such
took it slow and things
and i could feel jack tensing beside me and he just came out with "im scared Jo"
and he cried
yup he cried
i was a little taken back at first but was quick to put my laptop on the floor out the way and gave him a hug on the sofa
and i just held him whilst he got off his chest everything
and i mean everything
stuff hes held in for such a long time

it was basically 
he hasnt been abroad as an adult
he scared going to the other side of the world
to a country he cant understand the language in
i've been off with him and he cant work out why
he worries something bad will happen
he cant face driving as it scares him
he was scared telling me all this
he didnt know how id react
he was scared of letting me down
it alllllll came out
and i was fine
i was fine with it
he was upset and i just talked to him gently about stuff
i told him i can wait for japan
that i knew i was throwing him in the deep end
that i will take him in my car to practice first to get over that fear boundary
that im not disappointed 
and that the fact of him not telling me all this has been hurting me as i havent been able to understand him and he seems to put more effort into the things he wants to do. whereas its because hes been too scared to do the things i want to do with him.
but because i didnt know his feelings on the matter it just looked to me like he couldnt be bothered. but really its because its all out him comfort zone.
i said he lives in a bubble
i felt like crying myself as the sheer amount of sadness and disappointment that radiated from him as i held him, like being an empath XD i felt like i could feel it

he said he felt much better after talking about it all
and i did too in a way cus i had been hurting and i wanted him to know it had hurt
that made him cry once more
i told him it makes me feel like im not important and he confessed im the most important thing in his life and he loves me so much. he'd do anything for me but hes scared
he said he wants to make a plan for this year
that maybe if we just do a small European holiday this year to start him off
 he says he wants to do better

so yeah not what i expected to happen
but that to me felt better than booking japan
as he was actually honest with me
i did tell him i was annoyed he'd held this in for so long without saying anything
and hes not to do that anymore as it hurts me and its not fair
but now i know and understand things and im glad
and im actually not upset about japan which is surprising me
im fine about it which im finding odd
but yeah im sure we will go at some point
we have the rest of our lives i guess

after all that i declared that we needed a brew
and i could tell he felt better
he said he hasnt cried in front of anyone in many years
and then we got up and went to the shops for wood to burn
cus thats how i work XD

we went to The Range and brought chopping board and wooden spoons and stuff
we had dinner when we came in tho as i was feeling hungry
the we got my pyrography set out
and i taught him how to use tracing paper but i ended up free hand drawing for him
and he burned pokemon into wooden spatulas which he enjoyed
and he said he enjoyed doing something creative with me even if it was just following a line with a pyrography pen. it was nice time spent together
then he went home

so i feel in a short amount of time a lot happened
im glad i know whats going off with him now tho as i was finding it hard at times
and im sure we will go on holiday together at some point
he said "im not as brave or as strong as you Jo" i never considered myself ether of these
but he seems to think so 
i said "yeah but i break down all the time"
he said "you get up everytime and keep going and tackle whats in your way"
maybe i will rub off on him in time
he says he does live in a bubble and needs to come out of his comfort zone
so we shall see
maybe things might change now hes confessed all to me

its 8:30pm
i am tired
dont think i will be late in bed tonight
tomorrow my parents are coming back around 4pm
it is mummy's birthday tomorrow she will be 55
i have her gift sorted anyway
probably dance in the morning
and do some art in the afternoon
got soup to make as well
and turkey stakes to cook for the week