reluctantly put the tree up

 Evening

I didnt sleep too bad last night I guess

I woke up at 8:20am and woke Jack up too

I started eating my breakfast but had to get up to go die on the toilet

good lord I died

Then we had food shop

we managed to get a fair amount so hopefully wednesday's shop wont be too horrendous 

we came back and unpacked and brought Oz in for morning carrot whilst we had a cup of tea

then I made soup, cooked meat, made biscuits, marinated fish for tonight 

finally sitting down with my lunch

I went to bed after I ate my lunch as I was just done

When I got up I didnt do a great deal as I am just flat. My energy is non-existent

Jack motivated me and got the christmas decs out the roof so we put the tree up which didnt take long as we dont have much to put on the tree. I couldnt be bothered so its not my best effort. Still, I am glad we did put it up in the end. We decided against the christmas lights tho as we knew Oz would just hound the cable.....Oz didnt help much with putting the tree up. Hes been in the loaf position most of today, hes not feeling it ether

i drew out ideas for my hoodie but my brain is too tired to think about making a hoodie so I cant figure stuff out. Jo is too flat. All I wanna do is sleep.....

I made dinner and whilst it was cooking I rang my mum. She said theyre fine after their covid booster. We spoke of Karen who is now home. They have said anyone can come at any time so visit her. But Im not sure I have the strength to see her in her final days....Ive seen it with my granny and it does haunt you. I only saw karen about 6 weeks ago she was so full of life and its how I want to remember her. Besides she had loadsssss of friends and family so I know shes not alone and will have A LOT of people visit her. I know I wont be able to keep it together round her. But I also feel selfish for crying in front of her. Me and mum said we would think about it. Mum saw her sister and her mum die of cancer and saw them in their final hours. Mum still has nightmares about it. It does stay with you. Maybe its selfish to protect yourself from further hurt and bad memories. I am not sure. its a tough one. If she was alone and wouldnt have many come see her then I wouldnt hesitate to go see her. 

we had dinner and I luckily didnt receive any further stomach pains as every bit of food ive had last few days has hurt.

I didnt exercise yesterday, I feel I SHOULD do some tonight. I am hoping I get some energy from somewhere to do a bit. Who knows...

Jack is going to go and game in a min with theo and possibly harvey

so I will be by myself tonight. I am still with Oz right now. 

I will do my nails after my bath and maybe play pokemon in bed

tomorrow

i am suppose to be seeing mia tomorrow for a dog walk and present exchange but not heard from her in over a week so who knows

Jack will be going to the city centre with his younger sister to do last minute christmas shopping. He probably wont be home for lunch so mummy is going to come over for lunch. 

we're at home now

 Evening

totally forgot to do my diary

only thought about 9:30pm and by which point I was in bed and couldnt care less!

so anyway we have broke up for christmas!!! woobloodywoo!!!

yesterday at school it did feel somewhat like a wasted day for all involved. I didnt do much

i simply attended and couldnt wait to finish

on our way home we popped into TK and I got a candle its not christmasy as there wasnt much to pick from christmas candle wise and the ones that were selling themselves as christmas were grossly scented. I got some body oil and body wash

We went to B&M bargains and it was busy in there so we were like ninjas and I got my blankets, its a baby pinkish colour so thats what I am going with this year! Not sure on the design yet of my jacket

We got home and I went to bed~ I was DONE

I got up and was with Oz and had a bath then did dinner then jack sod off to go game. Last one of the year. So I was by myself all evening

I cleaned the bathroom and wrote shopping lists and food menus and did 30mins of yoga. I had no energy but pushed through I guess

I was in bed playing on my switch. Jack usually finishes gaming for 10pm but didnt finish til 10:50pm...I didnt say anything as its school holidays and last one of the year

I slept through the night as I was exhausted

I woke up at 8:20am and I just felt knackered

my body screaming at me to return to bed

I left Jack in bed he woke up at 10am

I had been with Oz, had breakfast and cleaned Oz out

then I went to mum's at 11am for a brew til 12;10 came home for lunch, had a shower and went for a hair cut. I wasnt in the mood but I needed to go 

Jack left the house before my shower he was off to see his family. But because of my hair cut he had to go alone. I am going over with him to see them on christmas eve.

I came home and I went to bed. I didnt fall asleep tho. So I simply rested in the warmth for an hour

I got up but my brain was still tired and fried. I still felt like I couldnt be creative so I decided to grab my bunny, it was 3pm by this point, and I wrapped all my presents! Done. We spent 3 hours doing that bugger of a task but its done now......Oz 'helped' I ended up bribing him with kibble as I was afraid I was gonna wrap him!

Jack came home after 6pm and we did dinner, he had brought treats back with him from his mums which is nice so we have home made scones for pudding!

hes having a shower now and I am just doing my diary

I almost put my tree up today but couldnt be bothered when I thought more about it

people at work said to put it up otherwise its just depressing but I feel so detached from christmas this year. I just cant seem to find any joy in it

I just keep thinking about karen....how theyre getting her ready to go home and die.

and it all feels so pointless. so materialistic 

my greatest joy this holiday is not going to work. but I dont want to spend my entire holiday simply recovering to go back and work I want to do things I enjoy so I can feel some sort of joy and happiness. 

Im off now til 4th january I think it is

tomorrow

its usually our weekly food shop, however because next sunday is boxing day and not even sure shops are open then, we are going to do another shop on wednesday with my mum. so tomorrow's shop is a 'mini' shop to tide us over til wednesday. so that shouldnt be too bad.

still have soup to make, meat to cook and biscuits to bake

I might do some drawing or maybe sewing. or even design my jacket~

we have both consumed today......

 evening

I attended school

I even slept! I got up for a wee but on the whole, I freakin slept! 

I actually felt ok about school this morning too, wasnt filled with anxiety and feeling sick 

so that was all a positive change!

I started to flag tho around 10am T^T I was so disappointed 

I mean what had a expected really? id been away from school for 2 days not 2 weeks

I found my lesson boring and hard not to actually fall asleep in!!

I struggled with the rest of the day but we didnt have much on so I actually didnt do a lot really

However.....

several people brought in A LOT of baked goods. I mean homemade baked goods not just store brought crap. Oh my god there was soooooo much. And I was struggling for energy. I was thinking "we arent going to any school christmas dues, we havent gone out for takeaway/pudding in ages and arent going to any time soon. This will be my christmas food treat". I simply consumed XD after my lunch I had 2 biscuits, 2 cup cakes and a slab of brownie. I was on the floor in a ball with the hot bag on my stomach - in pain. My stomach hated me. I had to make a trip to the staffroom toilets....all day since then my stomach has hated me and made so much noise even when I simply drink

but what was really lovely, was that Julia had brought us both a christmas present - we had given her chocolates. She gave Jack cider, and me....a house plant!!! I bloody love it!!! Its leaves are so pretty. It doesnt flower it simply grows these 2 tone green leaves. It likes humid places so I have put it in the bathroom and it looks great I am in love ^^

We came home and mum was already over, had a brew with her. Oz pestered her for treats and fuss >.> bloody rabbit. But hes happy bun today and had a clean bum, hes been drinking his probiotic too so Im hoping we are making progress!!

I did my work out to just dance not that I could be bothered. Then had a bath. Then I put Jack's pizza in the oven which was almost double the size he usually has - it was reduced. I had a piece of gammon but that was it for my dinner and even then my stomach hated that!! so I skipped dinner really as I wasnt hungry, id eaten plenty today, knew if I shoved food down me that I would have awful tummy ache + be kept up all night with food thoughts. As it is now I just hate my body but I dont want to diet myself too badly and all that jazz. Jack, despite me saying "dont need to eat it all you can have some for lunch tomorrow cold" ate all the pizza....he only had a biscuit and a cake at school. So he hadnt had as much as me but I was still surprised at how he managed to eat it all.....

so basically we both consumed today!!!

dear god we ate!

so we are both full and are skipping the hot chocolate tonight and were off to go play pokemon in bed at its 8:20pm and we finished up with food at 8pm so yeah were just gonna play pokemon in bed.

tomorrow

last bloody day

thank you LORD

jesus it has been hard

we finish at 1pm tomorrow

its christmas jumper day tomorrow

I dont have a christmas jumper. so i am wearing a white dress with blue stars on with glitter tights. and maybe boots. I havent told jack, I just said I will stick joggers on as who cares XD 

but after work we are popping to B&M for blankets for me to rip up to make a jacket and TK for a christmas candle. Then I am coming home and beginning my 2 week coma~~

a much happier, better day

 Evening

So after melt downs yesterday I decided, with Jack, that I would have another day working from home. And I think knowing that, made me sleep! I slept through the night!!

So i didnt feel like a total corpse when I woke up. Jack said I looked better and I did feel a bit better within myself but I still was not ready to face school. I put the curry stew on and took Jack to school

I came home and slept for 90 mins 

I got up and had a cup of tea and a biscuit then, as it was so sunny

I decided to go for an hour's walk, thinking it would do me some good - mentally 

on my way back I called into mum's for 20mins then she came over with me and we had lunch here then she left me. I did some jobs round the house then I sat doing some actual work! I wasnt stressing about working as I NEEDED to look after myself. I know I will do some work during the christmas holidays, so ether way - the work will get done. I was determined to rest and and see the rest of the week through

I brought Oz in but left him to loaf in the living room whilst I worked on my drawing 

I got quite a bit done anyway. Here is some of what I have done~

jack came home and we decided to have a bath before dinner then we had dinner which was thai curry stew and it was so good! Probably the best one I have made so far!!

Now Jack is just clearing up and then I think we will have the final trim of Oz's bum bless him. Take him home then watch anime then play pokemon in bed. Have an early night

tomorrow

I do plan on going to school

I want to go in and make it through the day. No tears

I want to go to my biology lesson too. 

I have 1 rat dissection lesson which Jack is sorting. I am gonna take headphones and make sure I can not hear the awful sound of their paws being nailed down to a board. Its vile. Its sick.

Its Julia's daughter's class. I can't imagine shes going to do it. Shes already worrying about it. I have no idea why we do it, so many kids hate it.

I hate it.

then I will only have half a day left!!

I do feel a bit better within myself today. more rested and happier. 

worked from home a day early than planned

 evening

I couldnt sleep last night

I was stressing about not sleeping, school, life

I got up and jack bolted up right "WHAT!?" errr 0.0; 

I thought 'jesus hes really mad cus I cant sleep'

I said "erm Im just going toilet" ^^;

he said "right" and fell down to sleep

I left him as I thought he was mad at me

so I worked on some drawings for school and when my thoughts took a dark turn at 3am I decided to bite the bullet and wake him

turns out he remembers nothing about shouting at me. He must have done it in his sleep....scary

so we had fruit loaf and tea then went to bed at 3:45am when I finally got some sleep

I had had A LOT of medication

I woke up at 6:15am to my alarm dripping in sweat and shaking, my heart pounding

awful way to start the day. Had a dream about the friend that died a couple of weeks ago

I took Jack to school. It was clear I was not fit for school

I came home and slept til lunch I was dead.

I had lunch then did some drawing

Mum came over for a bit, then I did some dinner prep and got Oz in who is happy bun today. Hes been playing on the wet grass and I think its helped clean his bum a bit. Mum brought my packages over today and one was his probiotic. I have put it in his water dish but hes a bit sceptical of it. I have seen him drink from it once.

Jack came home and I talked to him for a bit whilst doing some yoga

I did dinner not that I wanted it

Then I laid on the bed, since Jack had come home I had shed a few tears as he wants me to go school tomorrow and I cant face it. When he found me on the bed he said I could stay home tomorrow. I feel I can get more work done at home than at school right now anyway.

i cant face going tomorrow. Hearing 2 classes nail rats down to boards by their paws. Its harrowing and I cant deal with that in my current state.

Ive cried as Im tired, so so tired. and stressed out which is amping my pain through the roof

I had a shower now just waiting for Jack to have his shower

I will take him work tomorrow and work on science club posters.

I just want to die to be honest. I am just so done.

im just not good at being human. Everyone else seems to manage it so well i just seem to constantly struggle and battle through life...

I was just in a depressive state thats all

 Evening

I just haven't felt like doing my diary

I was in a rather depressive state and I couldnt face writing about how crap I felt about life

My thoughts went to dark places. Im not going to write them as I want to move on from them

I just wasnt good and wondered what the point to life was

Im did another box frame over the weekend but need to take photos of it

I didnt sleep that well for school today so I have been tired all day but I havent had much on so I have just done easy sitting down tasks.

I have horrible rat dissections this week tho. total of 3 times. twice on wednesday and I want that day to work from home!! I cant face being round that much rat being cut up right now. Its too distressing with my mental state.

Oz has still had off tummy. Its not every day but its a lot lately. I have ordered him some probiotic to try its one I have had before. But waiting for it to come. Its only what the vet would prescribe anyway and Id rather not stress him out with the vet right now.

I have just this week to go

wednesday Im working from home

friday I finish at 1! so its not too bad of a week I suppose.

dont want to go tomorrow  tho

just dont want to go.

tonight I have still got to do some exercise but not sure what to do yet. Maybe just dance.

then have a nice bath, watch anime and play pokemon.

got to sort Oz's bum out before I take him home T^T

poor bun

More topics done, and Karen....

 Evening

Think I actually slept from like 10:15pm til my alarm. Thats 2 pretty good nights on the trot!

It was nice to wake up and not feel like utter death

I was however stupidly anxious. I felt sick and everything!!! WHY!?

I wasnt even going to work today!!! It was very annoying

I told Jack that some of my anxiety was worrying if I was allowed to stay off school, would I get into trouble, would I be able to get enough work done?

He said it was all totally fine, I wouldnt get into trouble and to do just do what I could. The idea for me to NOT get stressed. Hes right. But anxiety can be so irrational at times.....

I dropped him off at school anyway

I came home and went to bed for an hour and when I woke up my anxiety had gone

I then I got on with my drawing. I managed to get 2 topics done

The Earth

Metals and acids

I started 'forces' but only done the rough outline. So I might finish that or tonight I shall see

I had mum over at lunch time, finally able to see her ^^ We talked about Karen, we found out yesterday that Karen is not going to see christmas....shes in a hospice where its one way ticket. my granny ended up there too. Mum said she burst into tears when she found out. I think it brought it all back about granny and stuff and obviously karen being poorly. Life is short. Life is crap. I cant bare to think about it too much as I just want to cry and cry and cry. I cant imagine what her family is going through....

mum left and I continued drawing

did some chores that Jack normally does so it would help him when he got home

then I started doing a grow with Jo workout and Jack came home. I suggested doing all our chores and having a bath then eating dinner then going to bed which is what we did. Dinner was good tho ^^

I am doing my diary and might do some drawing then I will watch anime, play pokemon and hopefully sleep!

Tomorrow is school

I hope it goes ok