I think thats the last time

Evening~

I woke up at 9am, i did not want to get up
its not like me, im such a morning person, someone who cant wait
to start the day. but i just want to turn over and slip into a coma for a while

I got up did my pet duties as usual
mum went out shopping then she came home to collect me to go see granny
we arrived at the hospital and my god i was shocked
the amount of cars!!! it was as if the hospital was giving out free money or something
everywhere was well and truly rammed
we went round the entire place and found no where. people resorted to parking
on banks and grass areas, those people we saw getting parking fines >< 
so mum was stressed and i told her to come away as there wasnt much
time left of visiting hours

we got home phoned haywood house and they said it was fine to come
outside of visiting hours, so mum called a taxi this time
my god are all taxi drivers crazy drivers!?
anyway i went to see her and granny was just there asleep on the bed as always
i spoke to her but this time she didnt really look at me..she didnt smile..she didnt speak to me
it was sad. and i could feel her frustration and tiredness
to make things worse the only thing she managed to say was
"ive had enough. i wish they would give me something so i can go"
my heart sank to hear that. i know shes fed up and waiting for the end but to hear it
its just awful. i felt so bad for her. i didnt speak a lot to her as i wasnt sure what to say
and i was crying a fair bit too. its just so sad seeing her like this
sitting next to her stroking her hand i was making my decision
the decision on weather to come back and see her again
she didnt really know i was there as i could tell she was slipping in and out of sleep
and each time i go im making myself more upset
i just dont want the memory you know? its the kind of thing that sticks in your mind
i want to remember granny as the lovely woman she was, not a sick old lady in bed

so upon leaving i went to her and kissed her good bye and just about got the
words out i tell her each time i leave her "i love you granny"
(woops making me  type this is making my eyes watery ><)
i just knew when leaving her room that that was the last i would see my granny
my last grandparent.
its not been so bad visiting her when she could talk and smile and cuddle you
but seeing her today wasnt my granny. im just glad shes not in pain
my family has gone to see her now, ive stayed behind.
each time i get upset its making my health worse and worse
i feel so selfish not going tho.
i mean if it was me lying in that bed id bloody want my family round me
id be so scared and id want to see everyone
i should be staying with her and supporting her. but im struggling
im not a good person. mum says ive seen her a lot and its not like i wasnt bothered
or didnt make the effort. i think its me just wanting to do more for her
its a difficult and frustrating position to be in.
so once again ive cried a fair bit

i got home for lunch i could have quite easily gone with out it
but mum made us some soup and bread. i just about ate it all
i layed down on the sofa and fell asleep for about 2 hours
im just shattered and weak lately, my health has not been good
its a stress illness, so any stress makes it worse. and im feeling A LOT of stress right now
i cant remember the last time i felt so poorly

i sat with the girls and stitched some bells and buttons on my bunting
i wanted to get some fresh air so i went for a little walk with mum
we checked grannys house over too
as soon as we got back home it absolutely poured down!!
hammering against the windows, literally 30 seconds after we walked through the door
talk about good timing!

ive tried to do a lil dancing over the days but im not getting anywhere with it
my heads muddled and i cant learn the moves
so ive decided to have a week off from dance cover uploads

mum is on about going out with me for the day tomorrow
but we shall see
it all depends on granny, i know mum wants to be there for her at the end
as for me i believe i have seen my granny for the last time
i dont want her to go i wish i could have her back to normal
im struggling to cope with this, i cant imagine the state i'll be in when i lose mum
i'll be a wreck! im so close with mum ive been trying to support her through this
anyway see what tomorrow brings

Squirrel lost the battle

Evening all~

Today I woke up just before 9am
I had slept bad again waking up in awkward positions
so when I did finally get up I realized I had a pulled muscle in my neck =.=

I decided to start the day with sewing
and I finished my bunting well kinda, i still need to sew buttons and bells on
I sat with the piggies as well because its rained all day = indoor play

Tiffin had a run in with the squirrel yesterday and today the bloody thing
came after him again!!!
it scared me how close they were I shouted out my bedroom
mum was in the kitchen and went out to them
the squirrel is so cocky tho it just stood there, its because
its burying it's nuts round the garden so it doesnt want tiffin after them
I made sure tiffin was ok told him what a brave boy he was for not running away

later on today i caught the squirrel on the fence near tiffin staring down at him
tiffin had his ears angled at the squirrel so i went out and shooed it off
i was forever looking out of windows today checking on tiffin
i was so annoyed at it going after tiffin, what would happen if i couldnt get there
quick enough? or if tiffin decided to give in? 
My brother was on about shooting the squirrel and in my moment of hate for the creature
i agreed, never really meant it

later on i was sat at my sewing machine
i heard a loud noise
i shouted "what the hell was that!?"
my brother "my gun"
"oh, did you hit it?"
brother "yeah"
I thought "no way did he get it first time. no way would he even shoot it"
so i thought id get up to see if tiffin was ok, to see if he was startled by the gun shoot
and thats when i freaked out
i saw this squirrel dying. it was trying to walk away but slowly failing
i shouted my brother 3 times, but he had gone down stairs
my mum at that moment had flushed the toilet so she couldnt hear me
she came out the bathroom, she saw me in a state
mum "whats the matter!?"
me "mum its dying!!! its gasping for life!!
mum "i dont want to see it! i cant believe he got it!! come here Jo"

so me and mum cuddled on her bed i was a bit upset at this point
i actually thought i was gonna be sick at any moment
i was just shook up, i did not expect to see that at all
my brother came in and asked if we were ok and if we were mad at him
i told him i wasnt i just hadnt been ready for that, i thought he was joking about getting it
hes got a good bloody aim. he said it was hard to look at its face through the scope.
im glad its gone because i was worried for tiffin's safety and the pigs
but i just believed it would eventually go if we kept scaring it away
so that drained the life outta me

i made dinner not that i felt like eating it but i was determined to  get it
all down me since i hadnt eaten a decent meal all day
my thoughts on food have been bad lately =.=

my mum got a phone call from granny's friend. she had been to see granny
relieving us of visiting her in the afternoon
her friend told us that granny wasnt good and was told she had 3 days...
my family left for grannys, i felt tired and i felt like i couldnt cope with much more
not tonight anway, and said id go tomorrow

whilst they were out lynn phoned to say her husband has gone into hospital
she isnt well ether
then i tried to talk to ed as hes been calling and i havent been picking up
so we went to skype and that lasted 10 whole minutes as my family
came home and mum was upset. mum doesnt usually get upset 
so i quickly said my goodbyes to ed and went to see  mum

mum said granny wasnt good and can feel the end is near
it made me upset, well actually i tend to get upset when i see mum upset
its just a reaction i have i guess
so i said id go tomorrow morning with her. mum is canceling her work tomorrow
to go see granny. 

im finding life hard. im struggling to find any joy and happiness at the moment
like theres no light at the end of the tunnel
i know it will get better it just feels like a long way away

anyway im off to go sit with my pets then go bed
finally bed

 

One heck'a Emotional Weekend

I'm here now
It was late last night for me to blog
and I hadnt had time during the day ether

This weekend has just been a roller coaster of emotions
The feeling of that ice cold hand pulling your heart down
and squeezing on your stomach
my anxiety has been bad to the point were i do want to panic and cry

the day started with me getting up at 8am after a bad night's sleep
i was getting up to meet dom in town for 10am
so i rushed round, didnt help out with cleaning the pets out and left
to only have to wait outside for 20mins for dom as he was late =.=
not like him so i wont complain, i was cold tho

we walked round town i didnt need anything other than pajamas and i didnt
find any i liked, so just got paint and necklace 
we went into a cafe i like as it does cakes that rot your teeth theyre so sweet
and the hot chocolate is good too, dom treated me to a hot choc and cup cake
we chatted about life lately i told him everything with my family and my job
he told me hes getting anxiety problems, he'd said this too me during manchester
how sometimes he cant go out, he cant eat and is distressed
its not like him at all
and its all because of this 18 year old girl he likes
personally i just wanted to shake him and tell him to move on and forget her
but i couldnt, instead i suggested giving the girl some space which he is doing
i hate seeing my friends down, it burns me, and i just wanna go after who ever
it is who is causing them grief 
I left for home and arrived home 1:30pm

My cousins arrived just after 2pm
all 4 of them came down uncle, Oliver, Sophie, Sarah
it was nice they had all made the effort to come down
The girls all stood in the kitchen talking the men went round the computer talking
car, internet, ebay =.= 
my mum announced that we must be off to go see granny, we were having an early
birthday due for her since its not looking likely she will see her birthday on the 19th
i wanted to go really i did, but i had made the decision that i would look after sarah today
she was upset at us just telling her about granny's health, she couldnt bring herself to go see her
i know i understood, as shes watched my auntie - her mother die the same way when sarah
was just 12 years old, its traumatized her

they set off with cake and everything T^T i went to my room with sarah
she let out with everything that had been happening to her and the amount of "help" she was
receiving from many different medical professions 
to her my cousin telling me she has anorexia made my heart sink
its a nasty illness to have and can kill
she got upset, i told her my own "head" problems the battles i face 
i tried to help her with her own problems and troubled
but just like it was over texting, she asks for help i give her help she shuts the door in my face
how can ask for help but not accept it? isnt that attention seeking?
eventually my family came home but my uncle and cousins had gone to grannys house
not here as they were gonna set up were they were sleeping for the night
so i walked sarah back over, she could have stayed with me but i could see her shaking and
holding her tears back from anxiety of being away from home and being away from her dad

i came home and took the opportunity to have a shower and sort my dinner out
my family was all eating take-away pizza, i cant eat that stuff i dont wanna hear what
my head would say to all those calories, sarah didnt want it ether
so i put some soup on - to tired to do anything flashy 
my cousins came over just whilst i was eating, they went to the pub with my family
i was left alone with sarah and sophie
i was in the living room with sophie talking whilst i had my dinner, sarah never came through
so when id finished i checked where she was, and she was in the hall in a ball, she had
jsut been on the phone to her boyfriend outside a few minutes previous
i thought she was just having a minute to herself to collect her thoughts
i really thought she'd come and see me and soph
my family came home with pizza and well sat in the living room, i ate cake mum
saved me from the birthday party ^^
sarah still didnt join us, i went to go see her. she was gone
i checked upstairs, no sign of her so i told my uncle and oliver
who were still eating pizza so they got, went on the phone and decided to go
have a walk round the neighbourhood - this has happened a week ago at her own home
she decided to take off without saying anything
they found her on the drive behind the gate
shes always cold due to not having any meat on her so god knows why she chose to
go sit outside in the cold and not just in my room or something

sophie was saying how she believes that some of this is just attention seeking
getting her dad's attention, people to notice her
and how its driving her up the wall - luckily she doesnt live with her anymore
but they are all finding it difficult to cope with sarah
it was 20mins later still the 3 of them were outside
i went upstairs to the toilet and realized i could hear my uncle and oliver talking to sarah
i had been to the toilet but remained seated as it were
maybe i shouldnt be eaves dropping but i would get no other better opportunity than this
to hear the other half of the story, i only ever hear sarah's side
now i got to see both sides of it
so i sat poised in the dark of the toilet listening to them
i couldnt believe what i was hearing. oliver. i have a much better opinion of him now
he was just amazing with her. the words he used and what he said
he just did so so well. at one point he walked away for a 1min breather
but came back to her. hes VERY patient. sarah all the time crying, bringing up the past, coming up with the world's lamest excuses. its like she want to be better but she turns all the help away
"how can we help you when you wont let us help you? what do you want us to do?" is the sentence he told her a few times and its what we all say to her
her went on to say "look at Jo, look how much better she is now, and do you know why shes getting better? its because she accepts the help around her. she wanted to get better" 
she was crying because she wanted to go home she did not want to sleep in grannys home
but my uncle and oliver had both had too much drink - therefor couldnt drive
they drilled that into her head many many times but its like it just wasnt sinking in
in the end instead of the whole family sitting up the garden with the wood fire, my uncle
took sarah back to grannys house, just the 2 of them - what she wanted
she ALWAYS wants her dad. shes 17
most 17 year olds arent arsed where theyre parents are but she is, she has to know where he is all the time, when to expect him home. and if hes not home for that time she sits and waits for him - all night sometimes too
so my uncle had caved in,let the illness win and took sarah home
oliver wasnt impressed, he doesnt cave in 
so we all sat in the garden with wood fire going and sophie and oliver filled us in on bits and bobs
i told him that they were both very patient were her - him not knowing id over heard their conversation. he told me that his patience is wearing very thin now tho

lynn had text me, her husband den has taken a turn for the worst
he now is fully wheelchair dependent and she needs to care for him 24/7
they have careers in and everything. my heart broke for her
shes now got to go through what ive just been going through but with her husband :(

i went to bed earlier than everyone. my head was spinning i was filled with so many
emotions, my body was weak, exhausted, tired and shaky 
going to town and walking round at dom's pace is hard work, coming home and dealing with such
sadness and hardships, seeing my beloved cousin being eaten away by an illness, my other cousins suffering because of what sarah does to the house hold. not being able to spend time with granny who is dieing in a bed. my own issues. listening to dom suffer because hes in love with a girl whos messing him around, lynn's husband's health is deteriorating.  so i took a sleeping tablet to knock me out no way would i be able to sleep with everything. feel like im surrounded by a lot of sadness right now.

this morning i woke up at 9:45am - woah late almost 12 hours sleep ><
guess i needed it after yesterday ^^"
the cousins and my uncle came over in the morning but my family had just left
to pop to the shops so they left here and went to go see granny, taking sarah with them this time
she had to sit in the car, they werent long. just saying theyre goodbyes
he was on about maybe coming down in the week to see her again.

so they came back here and my whole family sat outside in the sun talking
sarah didnt want to be out with everyone, so i kept her company in my room
i kinda wanted to sit out with everyone, i havent been able to spend much time with my family
we talked and i traded her a pokemon she was happy with

then they left at 1pm. i told sarah id be there for her. 
i wont ignore her text messages anymore but i can only do so much its her
who needs to put the work in now, she needs to love herself.

in the afternoon my family went for a walk, i danced
and i did a bit of sewing and i went to see granny
who looked like each breath was an effort
now ive just spend 30mins writing this up
see what tomorrows brings
how was your weekend?

Life can be a lot to take in at times

What a day
it's 10pm, my bed time
i havent wound down and sat with tiffin and the girls
ive had a full on day

I met dom in town this morning we both dressed in cosplay 
which was nice, i can fill in more the day tomorrow

Been with family and its exhausting
but i have seen a lot today
family, bonds, relationships, mental health
i have so much going off in my head right now
that i have taken a sleeping tablet so i'll be out in about 10mins

see what tomorrow brings
here's a necklace i picked up from town today with dom
it was £1 from new look! - reduced ;)
and I picked up white paint for £2

A busy day ahead + photo of piglets

Evening~

Ahhh my brother has gone to Goose Fair
the annual fair is back in town and he's gone with his girlfriend
I always worry about him going there
I stay awake til I know he's home, but he doesnt know that ><

Anyway last night I slept rubbish im so tired
I heard my neighbour's dog this morning, thinking it was 6am or something
I didnt get up but then I heard my family was up so when I looked at my phone
it was 8am, the dog gave me a lay in this morning huh?
I had bags under my eyes, jeez i look lovely right now

I brought Tiffin inside for a little while
he was very grumpy this morning XD ive lost count how many times he's growled at me!
when I had the little girls out I thought "it's been a while since I photographed them"
So i whipped out my camera and took a snap of them
I can tell theyre still not used to the whole photoshoot thing and millie always tries
to hide her head under alice's face bless her

I started doing a bit dancing seeing if it would wake me up and stop my 
endless pain. i was left home alone for 20mins so i quickly recorded a dance
and got it edited, but didnt upload it til later on
im enjoying dancing lately
i feel i want to do more, i would love to dance publicly, like dance
in the city center outside our something but im not sure how id go about
doing it, i mean i have portable speakers and my ipod but would they be safe
in town with me dancing beside it, and my bag obviously with money and my phone in it
would they be safe? who knows its something i think a lot about doing

I finished the ginger bread mean i was doing they are on a strip of ribbon
i will photograph them tomorrow maybe if i get time
tomorrow i have one busy day ahead
im meeting dom at 10am in the city, then i will have a quick lunch with him,
set off home, meet my cousins who should be over by then, then were all off
to granny's ward room at 2pm ahhhh im gonna be shattered tomorrow
i pray i bloody sleep tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

granny when i saw her today was half asleep
we spoke to her for a few mins and didnt seem all there
i was thinking "i swear if those nurses have dugged her up again!!"
but they hadnt thank god and she came to and perked up
so we had a good hour or so chatting with her i massaged her feet and hands
whilst we spoke, had a cup of tea and let her know about tomorrow
she will really enjoy seeing the cousins tomorrow and having us all together
shes a very family person shes lovely its getting hard to see her tho
each day i see her i see the change in her, see her weakening...

thats about all today, i hope i get time to blog tomorrow
but forgive if i dont im not sure how the day will pan out!

Lil gingerbread done

Konbanwa~

I got woke up by my neighbour's dog again....3 days in a row
at 6am, I mean who does that!? very selfish
Mum woke me up at 8am thinking I had to go to Karen's for 9am
but it was 9:30am, I didnt want to get up yet as once again  I had had a bad
night's sleep, but I knew I had to get up as the next time I woke I'd be
rushing around, it always ends up that way. But I wanted to be in bed
til 8:30am >< alwell

I went to Karen's I had a massage instead of reflex as I was hurting a lot
and my body was tense ans stiff
whilst she was treating me she commented on how my body was in bad condition
its just all the stress lately

My cousin got in contact with me, she was anxious about
seeing me at the weekend as i hadnt been returning her messages
just simply cus i was finding it hard to cope with her and i gave up on
knowing what to say and do for her when everytime she would turn my help down
i needed a breather. 
So I texted her back to put her anxiety at ease so she will be ok when she
sees me saturday. sad thing is that she is the only one who doesnt know
about granny...think its gonna hit all of them when they see her
but sarah has no idea as of yet. poor girl

Ive been sat doing my gingerbread men
i believe theyre done and need to be attached to something so they can
hang off the fire place a bit like bunting flags
I like to sew recently whilst having anime on my laptop

i asked mum if she could tell who's who and she could ^^
me and mum are on the top my dad and brother on the bottom

I went to see granny she had friends in the room who left shortly
after we arrived but its been nice that a few people have made the 
effort to see her, she didnt look good. nurses had pumped her full of morphine >.>
that just annoyed me, theres so many different levels of pain killers
and they went from paracetamol to morphine!! so she told us to leave after 30/40 mins

i had a sleep as i was nakerd, i always need to sleep after massage
i went for a walk with mia and helina it was nice to have a catch up with
i couldnt be bothered but i still went
i havent got a dance ready for tomorrow, if i have time to record tomorrow
i will but if not im guessing it will have to wait til next week sadly :/

my brother isnt happy with his uni course
came home at lunch time unannounced i do feel for him
but then i did tell him NOT to do the course
so we shall see, its 2 years and hes on his 2nd week with none stop complaints 

not sure what im doing tomorrow other than crafting away ^^ 

NEW JOB - Teaching Agency

Good Evening~

Ahhhh once again my neighbour's dog woke me at 6:20am
they like to leave it barking >.> does my head in
I almost got up and shouted out the window "SHUT UP!!"
I didnt tho as I was comfy, I have done it in the past tho 

anyway I got up to find mum had started cleaning out the pets early
so she had practically finished when I came downstairs
I was annoyed that I didnt get to help but she told me not to
as she was almost done and it was cold out :/
makes me feel useless, one the house jobs I can actually do and
I dont get to do it >< 

I went upstairs and thought Id start to look for jobs but I didnt
get that far actually, I went to go and get the documents I needed
for my interview that afternoon. Started a bit of sewing and uploaded a dance

The afternoon came, my mum went over to clean granny's house
and I went for my interview, I was nervous but I coped
I arrived there and eventually found the right building, 
Andy - the guy who offered me the interview, met me at the door and gave
me a parking pass, the last thing i wanna be doing is worrying about my car
getting clamped or a ticket

He invited me in, the office was fairly big and we went into a small room
I could feel my heart pounding but i was keeping my cool and was being polite
He took me over to computer and typed in my skills and what job I would
like to do at a school, then he gave me the paperwork to sign, he left me a moment
to read through it all and sign it. I was writing my questions down in a notebook
whilst reading through the paper work. He came back and I asked him my questions
which he answered for me very well. I wasn't signing up to anything I wasnt happy with
then he did the DBS/CRB check with me, which I payed £47 for and I should get it in the post soon

Andy was very kind, and after he had answered my questions, I looked at him and said
"this feels all a bit too good to be true, I'm waiting for the catch, so your
giving me a job?"
he replied "yes"
I said "so am I self-employed again?"- mad science was self employed >>
Andy said "no we are employing you"
I just couldnt believe my luck, I had only quit my job Monday
and come Wednesday I have a new job 0.0 
I earn £50 per day instead of £20 - mad science's lovely wage
I dont have to travel to the arse end of no where for a school
I dont need to go to the office every friday
I get paid weekly not monthly
And they find me work and pay me

So I came home after 90mins of being with Andy
I now work for a company called "Randstad Education"
it's the world's 2nd largest education agency, I had no clue, never heard of em
but they have only been in the UK 5 years
anyway Im looking forward to it
I finally get to do some teaching assistant jobs!!!
He told me the work would be slow at first as schools ask for regulars
but once I get into schools and show my face and be good I should
get requested more :D
Then if its what I want to do, I will go study a proper teaching assistant course
in the new year
I am shocked, I have a new job!!!
Im yet to fill my dad in with it all tho >< mum told him I was going to an interview
but I havent told him anything, he'd only be negative but he needs to know

my cousins may be coming down at the weekend
not seen em this year
here's my ginger bread men half done XD

Jozu will do her best!!! GANBARIMASU!!!!!!!!