Done my Wrapping!!

Evening

Didn't sleep well
it was gone 10pm when I slept to be woken up at midnight to the sound of my brother's car thumping his music whilst pulling up home -_____- wasnt impressed
but somehow fell back to sleep
to be woken at 1am as I was having a nightmare
being raped by a shadow...
this is the 3rd night in a row now that ive had to wake up cus a dream is taking a turn for the worst dont know why im having nightmares
at 2:30am i got fed up of aching in my bed so got up had some cereal, painkillers, and did 30 mins of yoga downstairs then came to bed around 3:30 but took a while to get off to sleep
woke up at 7:40am
tired

i had an easy morning of drawing and pets really
by 11am i had showered and was off out into a town by myself naturally
i walked round a few shops all i got was a tissue box for tara's eevee tissue box cover for her christmas present so i could wrap it, then a new car smelly for my car
i dropped my bag off at the car and went for a walk
came home 100mins later XD

i warmed my lunch up which was left over lamb stew 
i had a pear and a hot chocolate and thats been the biggest lunch ive had all week!
i was full up
i got stomach ache of course i did
when it subsided i went on just dance for a while and i got 5 stars on 2 dances! ive only ever done it on 1 song before but today i got 2 more done i was surprised and i wasnt actually trying my hardest as i was done in from walking round for 100mins
after just dance i grabbed my wrapping paper, scissors and sellotape and presents and got to work

yeah its maybe a bit early to wrap but i was kinda in the mood to just get it done and didnt know what else to do with my day really
so i got everyone's wrapped! good feeling knowing its all sorted took a few hours anyway
here's part of mia's birthday present which is on boxing day so i wrapped that too

shes always wanted sakura from cardcaptors as a figure, wasnt cheap but hope it brings her happiness anyway

i did some yoga as i was aching then i laid in the sofa whilst dinner was cooking shutting my eyes
im so damn tired i really am
wish i could sleep
and wish my pain would just calm down 
dinner i didnt eat much and still got stomach ache
mum says i aught to get looked at but ive been here before with my stomach
and no one can do anything so theres no point really in even wasting my time sitting in a doctors waiting room for hours on end 

im anxious about tomorrow
my first full day at work since i quit my job
im hoping i will cope
im going to bed early in the hope i will grab some sleep 
its at the same school and class as friday

i text karen to see if she had been well enough to put her decorations up this weekend
she told me and mum on wednesday when we bumped into her at a garden centre that she was putting them up this weekend before her next chemo session
but she replied saying her 22 year old daughter with anorexia was admitted to hospital on friday so they didnt put them up. her daughter is now in the 5 stone boundary can you believe 0.0
mental health is scary

Hand Painted Penguin Pot

Evening

I haven't been myself
I don't think I've done much lately apart from cry if im honest
my eyes actually sting from crying so much over the last few days
im so tired and in a lot of pain
god i sound right misery guts right now but yeah im just not right...

So since I last did my diary I can't say ive achieved much as I have
simply been trying to recover my body from running it into the ground
but I have tried where I can
I signed back on with the agency and been applying to jobs left right and centre
not that i know what i want to do ive just been looking for part time jobs really
as clearly full time is out the question

we had Maisie poorly
she was struggling to breathe properly which is what lily died of
so of course we were down the vets spending £70 on her to get her better
but do you know what, usually any animal treatment i am on it
im like mini vet at home
but i didnt get involved with maisie, yes i gave her the medicine daily but i wasnt checking her, i wasnt doing the feeding i left that to my brother and mum, i didnt feel anything towards her
id completely closed off from her as if i simply couldnt handle anything else
mum said it was so not like me and i wasnt doing it on purpose
on friday we had had maisie a year! and fingers crossed she is looking better!
my brother was a bit upset by it all as he loves maisie to pieces

what else
on friday i had work for the afternoon at a local primary school thats opposite mia's house and was my old nursery actually
god it was so very different to the nursery i had just left
the kids werent feral 
so different
the agency told me to get there for 11:45am got to the school and the receptionist said "youre nice and early you dont start til 12:30"
so i wasted my time by sitting like a melon in a staffroom by myself
just wait to the agency hears from me
i felt a little panicky time to time but talked myself out of it
im there in the same class all day monday
which im apprehensive about to be honest
but i want to try
right now agency work sucks but its the only work i have, the only income i have and keeps me in the social world. I want to keep going with it til i can

after school i popped into mias as she has fridays off
i stayed til 6pm i talked to her about this and that
and she said she wasnt surprised i had to give the job up and could see i wasnt right

i havent been eating properly
despite putting yet another pound on
thats a pound a week for the last 4 weeks
so thats sent anorexia thoughts into over drive
i dont want to eat cus of my head
but not only that i keep getting really bad stomach ache when i eat
so ive had a liquid diet where i can
as its not as painful mentally and physically 

the pets are in the shed now so its a bit of a chore to go up and get them but last year we put them in the shed in november so at least we've had a month less of walking up to that shed this year

I rang up the psychiatrist on monday for an appointment the secretary said he was in a meeting and would ring me back
friday came no phone call still
so i chased it up
turns out the secretary forgot to write my name down to say i called....
so she said she'd get him to call
never got the phone call
so thats another week im waiting now
disgusting isnt it
good job im not topping myself
although i have had multiple thoughts about blades to the skin or over dosing
but im still here

i havent been running at all this week
i did dance one day this week and i enjoyed it but it wasnt for long at all as i was too worn out but i wanted to try

im just so tired and in pain, not sleeping cus of thoughts and pain
its like being back in the old days
i just want to be healthy so i can keep up with life
at the moment life is over whelming and not enjoyable 

not sure what im actually doing tomorrow
weather has been horrid lately
windy and rainy it makes you not want to go out thats for sure
but i will find something to do

here is that pot i painted a couple of weeks ago
i kept forgetting to upload a photo

I Quit

I resigned my job today

i feel fabulous about myself right now

Illnesses 1000points - Jo 0points

Bulbasaur Pot

Evening~~

I didn't sleep well
mum woke me by screaming in her sleep again -____- she only did that the other night!
that was at midnight and i got up for a wee
then I woke up at 5am and have been awake since
so Im tired
and did not want to go to school

School was hard work as per usual
its such a demanding job and I hate it
just doing everything there
its so political as well so much paper work and stuff to learn
agency work was so much easier i have to say
and it is tempting to return to agency work
but im trying to last til christmas
its just effecting my health

I asked if i could make a phone call at 9:15am to make an appointment
with the psychiatrist and when they answered im sure the woman told me
i could be looking at March time!! i thought 'is she for real!?'
ether way i couldnt get through to the psychiatrist and i asked if he could ring me
but he never did

lunch i sat in the staff room then did some yoga
it was indoor sodding play so the kids were hyper
i had the job of doing a bit of exercise with the whole class then reading them a story
went fine and i finished as the teacher returned 
but kids were ready for a run around
i was late doing my groups as my watch seems to be going slow
but group work seemed to go fine
i was rushing round at the end of the day
and then someone said "you staying for the asthma meeting?"
i said "didnt realise there was one"
so i had to stay then for this meeting about a child  i dont know and about his asthma it went on for an hour and i dont know now how to work an inhaler! 
so id hate for him to have an attack on me
but i went to grab my phone cus i thought in case the psychiatrist rings me but id missed a call and it was from the psychologist he's back at work now
so as soon as i was done with the meeting  i ran him up and im seeing him tuesday
even tho i was 45mins late finishing i wasnt too peeved as i have to stay an hour this week anyway to earn the inset day off so im taking it off that time
not getting anymore time from me thats for sure
luckily i did well with traffic coming home

i got home and had a brew before dinner and got my school stuff done
so i dont need to think about school again til tomorrow
still wont stop me waking up early and thinking about it no doubt
dont know how much longer i can do this for
hate it
dont know whats worse, hardly working or working at this school
ive got a telephone appointment tomorrow for the weekend job but its during school hours so ive had to email them to change that

might go for a walk tonight feel i need to get out and do something for me
tomorrow is another crappy school day
hopefully we will do P.E. this week tho as we didnt do it last week
im leaving school early too as I have a chiropractor appointment
so im leaving school 15-20mins early
thank god

ive counted how many school days i have before i finish for xmas its
13!!! just 13 more days to go!

here is a pot i ordered for mia for birthday/christmas
but because i forgot i ordered it i'll probably give her next year as ive brought her plenty already! Its a plant pot and you put a cactus in it to look like the 'bulb'
i need something to treat myself with i think
i have nothing to spend money on tho
feels pointless earning it in such a crap way

2nd December and 2nd Advent Calendar

Evening~~

I went for a half hour run last night which I enjoyed more
than the run at running club on Wednesday
I came in showered and sat with Oz
I also took a sleeping tablet and was in bed for 9:30pm
which is the latest I've stayed up all week!

I woke up at 6:20am
wow go me im still waking up at 6am!
But at least I had slept through I suppose
just spending the rest of the day with a really gross taste in my mouth from sleeping tablets, doesnt tend to wear off til like 5pm

So in the morning I went to Mia's at 9:30am
she was keen to show me her christmas tree which was nice
and when I turned up Rob was putting up the decorations outside
It was good to see her, we had an hour together anyway
even tho I was only over and hour my clothes still manage to smell like her house XD
even at her parent's house she had a strong house smell not a bad one just strong
and its followed her to her new home XD strange isnt it house smells
i came back home and went  on Just Dance 3 for a bit

it was then lunch time and I did myself a salad
then I went out to a town
I parked up and walked the long way taking me through a park
then to the shops
mum had said she was gonna buy herself an advent calendar just to annoy dad
but i noticed when they came in from food shopping she hadn't followed through with it
so i went to the shops and found a Kinder Chocolate one reduced to £3!!!
i LOVE kinder chocolate so I brought it and decided mum could have my Cadbury's one
so here is my new one! I dont think mum has ever had an advent calendar you know

I also picked up a few various pieces for putting up at christmas

its my job to decorate so i want it to look good and stuff
so yeah i brought a few pieces which came to £10 so good value
I walked through a few other shops and then walked to my car and came home

I went on my laptop for a short while
then as I had the house to myself for the first time in a long time
i practised my dancing downstairs
so I did the 'Eevee March' and Mana Ashida's Gyu Gyu Gyu 
2 short dances Id like to get done~
i enjoyed it tho but I was running short on energy as i havent been grabbing out to sugar today no matter how much I may have wanted to I didnt
I feel like ive got withdrawal XD
then I had a brew with mum

I sat upstairs doing my Japanese, practised Kanji and started to learn how to tell the time too
I helped out with dinner
now im just here doing my diary so i can get in the shower, sit with Oz, do my nails and go to bed to wake up at 3am and worry about a job I dont want to do!

tomorrow is sodding school
i cant tell you how much i dont want to go
and i havent been there a month yet! also but not yet
gonna start my day with a big bowl of cereal thats for bloody sure

It's 1st December!

Evening~~

I went to bed at 9:20
think I must have fallen asleep well before 10pm I was shattered and didnt read
i was in pain as well and quite grumpy too
and look who woke up at 6:30am!
at 7:10am I crawled into bed with mummy for 20 mins
In the morning I had girls in who were still fresh from their bath on friday ^^
I weighed myself to discover I have put even more weight on
so I cried
I cried on my mums bed
mum told me I wasnt fat and I told her that im cutting down as im unhappy
and that im not eating anything sweet now and she needs to help me
she said she will point out to me when im reaching for sweet stuff
but why do i bother exercising? seriously why do i bother?
i know people who eat worse than me and do less than me and dont put anything on
how is it fair? whats up with my body?
im gonna buy weight loss pills for over the christmas period

me and mum were off to the city centre this morning but because she takes
longer than me to get ready in the morning i went out to post office
to post my international christmas cards and my 2 UK presents
its early to post christmas presents but I refuse to make two journeys to the post office
so that came to £8 just to make others happy
I picked up some bread for mum on the way home too as no one else will do it and it saves her
i came back and she was there waiting for me thank god

we got into the city for 10am
it was raining
rained all morning so i was glad i wasnt doing park run
but it was annoying we had rain as we were looking round the outdoor xmas market
it had the same tat on it like it does every year which i told mum it would do
but she insisted on looking round it
our annual hot chocolate was disappointing i found as usually you get some chocolate bar with it and we got crumbs and i said to the woman how crap it was she didnt seem impressed with me but i was cold my feet stung i ached and id had enough of people
but still i drank it 
me and mum said next year we'd bring our own chocolate bars to add to it
there was so much good food on the market but i didnt eat any
probably for the best as im crazy enough with food thoughts without eating rubbish

from our trip i picked up a thicker bigger snood for work as mine isnt big or warm enough
i got 2 pairs of reduced fleece pajamas from debenams the snood was from there too so everything should last pretty well
i picked up a present for karen which is a plastic bauble filled with white feathers she loves angels and wings, and i picked up for our tree a mini sledge
mum got her friends christmas presents
then we came away really

i came home and had porridge for lunch
then i went to bed
i was so cold and tired id just had enough and couldnt even think of what to do with myself so i just had an hour sleeping 
not slept during the day for a while!
i got up and spent ages applying to that school job and applying to a weekend job
i can but try
took me ages tho

then me and mum popped out to the pot shop so i could pick up my penguin plate
must say its come out better than i had thought actually
just need a plate stand now for it
i will photograph it tomorrow~

i watched a couple of things on youtube whilst i ate my dinner
i made myself a salad but ate too much bread with it

then i did some japanese
did a bit of yoga
then went for a run for half hour, came in and showered and now gonna go for Oz and bed

im happy as ive ordered my dad something offline for christmas
cus my god is he hard to buy for 
he says not to buy him anything but then moans on christmas day he has nothing to open
so cant win ether way as hes not even that bothered about what you buy him
and he buys for no one not even his wife
anyway ive brought him Karl Pilkington Sick of It on DVD
we have all wanted to see it and it only aired in Autumn so i was surprised how quick its come out on DVD it was aired on Sky1 and we dont have Sky so we couldnt see it
so yeah i can tick him off now~ he was my last person to do but wasnt the end of the world if i didnt buy him anything kinda thing

today its 1st December which is a lil frightening really
i opened my advent calender and got a reindeer face chocolate

my calender here was £1.99 which I thought was enough to pay
i saw some REDUCED in debenams today for like £20....seriously who is gonna pay that
no wonder the shelves were full of em
dad said i should have treated myself to one now im earning money but i couldnt understand the logic in spending £20 on well packaged chocolate especially as im cutting down

tomorrow mia says i can see her for a cuppa at 9am 
its early but only time she has spare and saves me waiting round for her
we were going for a walk but she wants me to see her tree that shes put up today...
level of sadness there i think

planning on taking a sleeping tablet tonight~ 

4th week done thank god

It's friday! 
My god thank you
Hello it's me who has been awake since 2:30am!
woohoo go me for once again not sleeping and thinking about my crap job!!
i got up and i looked white with blue tinted lips

Dad got up at 6:40 which is extra early considering i dont need waking til 6:50am
but i know he is keen to start his morning routine and get on that computer

i had so much cereal this morning thought i was gonna chuck it up
the traffic was dead light this morning so i got to school early
but sat in my car texting as i dont work any longer than im paid for

my morning was busy in nursery but quite pleasant as we were doing
Henna designs on children's hands (using face paint) so i was in my element really
then the teacher had me cutting out stuff
so i had no outside duty to do 
mum picked me up at lunch and we went for a brew at a pub it was nice
and i shared my lunch time biscuits with her as id been robbing biscuits from the staffroom anyway
she dropped me off just as the whistle blew
but it was nice to get off the school grounds

after lunch was fine
i just felt a lil woozy and a staff member said i looked a bit green another said i looked pale they were 2 separate occasions so im guessing i wasnt looking good
still i got the job done
didnt do much after i had kicked the kids out as i felt like i was gonna keel over to be honest
and got home to have a brew with mum and cereal
ive eaten so much cereal today but i just needed a little happiness in my life

i went on just dance despite how i was feeling and enjoyed flexing out a bit
im sore after yoga yesterday so i have yet more pain to deal with 
then i popped on my laptop but that soon bored me
then i realised i had 2 more xmas cards that need to go post office tomorrow and a present so i sat and sorted them out, honestly ive got a bag full going to this post office tomorrow but if i can give happiness to others then it is worth it 

me and mum set off for a walk after dinner but only got down the road before it rained!
can you believe that!? so typical
i may dance in my room yet

tomorrow it best not rain
i have a nice morning lined up, part from going post office thats just dull
im going into the city centre to on the christmas market with mum for our yearly tradition of a hot chocolate from the hot chocolate stall. we will do any shopping mum wants to do
as i dont believe theres anything i want/need 
not sure what im doing rest of day
be strange not going park run but we want to get into the centre
oh mum bathed pigs today so they are fresh ^^

dont want to return to school
im gonna apply to that local school tomorrow

feel fat and horrible still cant even bare looking down at myself when i take my clothes off and im unhappy about every aspect of my life as well lately but maybe it has something to do with crap job, pain and not sleeping
weighing myself tomorrow assess the damage of the week