im dead, jack packing his stuff

 Evening

my god yesterday I was just done

I had worked myself to death I feel

so i got home and fell asleep on my bed, ate dinner and sat with Oz then went to bed at 8:45pm

couldnt stay awake anymore. I didnt do any exercise, despite eating a cookie, a cupcake, a flap jack, biscuits....high sugar day but it was someones birthday at work so it couldnt be helped XD

Today I woke up to my alarm but it made me jump i about leapt up in bed, plush fell on the floor and everything. quickest 9 hours ive ever known >.>

couldnt be bothered with school but I got the day done, no practicals todays which was nice

jack was telling me about he has to pack some more as his mum is taking some of his stuff back to her house for when he moves back home next weekend. then he talked about the bungalow, the decorating and other stuff that needs to be done. and i looked at him and the tears just flowed out. luckily we were alone in the science office. so he cuddled me and asked why i was crying

i said "im sorry, im just so tired. its hard to cope with stuff when youre tired, you know? its just a bit daunting about just how much needs to be done. im this exhausted now just working never mind trying to do a house up, work, and look after myself. i'll be dead jack"

but he consoled me as he usually does and made me a brew and yeah just picked my spirits up which i feel he has to do a lot lately -____- i tell him he could have an easier life with a healthy normal girl but he tells me each and everytime he wants me instead :)

pain clinic finally called me today. so i have got a telephone appointment for 5th october with me usual consultant. and then an actual face to face appointment with the hyper mobility specialist 14th october. so i will need to take the morning off work for that one but i need to go. jack is fine with it all and glad i am getting help - hopefully

today when i got home mummy made me brew, gave me flap jack, microwaved my hot bag and got Oz out on the sofa for me ^^

we went for a walk then i did 40mins of yoga cus you know i seem to enjoy killing myself

jack is packing his stuff up - which is making everything feel much more real to me 0.0

i dont think i am seeing him til sunday night as hes sorting his stuff out tomorrow, sunday he is having a bbq with his friends, i was invited but i feel like i dont have the energy to look happy and healthy for 5 other people. so i opted out there. but he says he will see me in the evening and we will do whatever i like and eat sweet treats. i said "you have your online gaming at 8pm tho for 2 hours" and right there and then he cancelled it. i was surprised actually as he never misses it. i said "why did you do that??" he said "i need a break besides i want to spend some time with you, think you need it as well" which was nice of him but realistically we're still only gonna be spending 2-3 hours with each other which is like 1 hour more than last weekend. but its fine as soon im sure we will be sick at the sight of each other XD

tomorrow

thank god it is the weekend, seriously -_____-

i plan to clean my Ozwald out, do a walk, do some dancing and yeah anything else i feel like doing really.

got my maggies

 Evening

I went to bed crying last night

my dad had just been awful to me all night and then shouted at Oz which was the last straw for me, I cried and put Oz to bed with a treat. It was a combo of him being, well him, me being tired and oversensitive which is why i didnt kick off. Mum could tell - somehow - that i wasnt very happy and came to see me once I had gone to bed. She said dad loves Oz and didnt mean it, but yeah. He's my bunny and I dont like people treating him like that. Very protective of him.

So when I woke this morning my eye lids and surrounding area was puffy like hell and a lilac colour, god I looked even worse than i usually do in the mornings! So i gave my face a good massage in the hopes it would reduce the swelling..didnt really do a lot to be honest!

School was alright, busy as usual, had a fire drill. my god i am sick of fire alarms going off!

i didnt do much in the last hour i was just exhausted and kept feeling dizzy it was 34c in the prep room its just too hot to think 

i left half hour early to go get maggots, maggies!

the guy was like "what colour would you like?" - as yes maggots come coloured

i said "the plain vanilla ones please"

he said "eh theyre flavoured now!?" XD he probably thought i was crazy

i boxed em up and brought them home, i got home before my usual finishing time! result!

I did 30mins of dancing, picked the slower ones so i didnt push myself. I wasnt even out of breath which surprised me. I had a shower then I had a look online for a few bits and pieces, had dinner now I am just packing my stuff to take to jack's tomorrow as im staying over at his as i usually do on a wednesday night as it breaks the week up. probably all i will do at his is have a bath! god  i need it

then i might do a few stretches i will see

so yeah tomorrow is school then jack's

korean skin care haul

 Konbanwa~~

I eventually saw Jack yesterday, he had had a really lazy weekend, but I wasnt gonna waste my day and wait around for him, I had stuff to do.

In the morning I washed my car and helped mum wash hers, so its all clean ^^ I did a 70min walk by myself, made my soup for the week, did some dancing as well then showered. Had lunch, fell asleep for a bit, sat with Oz with a brew and packed my stuff, think it was like 5pm by time i actually got to jack's XD

He told me theo was doing his cooking for the week so we wouldnt be able to dinner for some time, so we had a quick lay on his bed then he dragged me out for a walk. I didnt want to walk anymore but got the feeling he wanted to so i got up and did it

we got back and i let Jack cook the dinner, I was done. I was exhausted. I couldnt even be bothered to eat to be honest. By time we had finished eating and cleared up it was time for jack to do his gaming. I talked with theo for 10mins then played okami on jack's bed whilst he gamed next to me on his PC

at 9:30pm I was done and decided to call it a night so I crawled into the dressing gown and blanket and grabbed Hammington. That was it then I was gone til morning. Despite jack gaming next to me and the bedroom lamp on, I didnt hear him come to bed ether. Dead to the world. Then the alarm went off and yeah time for school. We had a quick cuddle then I got up

I got everything ready for the day, as jack just doesnt function in the morning XD

we headed to school

i felt sick and anxious for whatever reason

but the day went alright. I did A LOT of running around feel like i have walked miles. I had practicals going off left right and centre but they all went well ^^ it is a good achievement when they go well. I was so done in tho I have to say. Also it was like 26c today so like 34c in the prep room. I sweated to death. I went to put up on a shelf a bowl which had had ice in it, i thought it was empty but it turns out it had ice water in it. So that poured- poured not trickled- down my arm, i was unprepared i was hot and this was freezing, i squealed and yelled and jumped up and down. Jack was laughing once he knew i was ok and not cut my arm off as i was waving it around. yeah really made me jump! jack said "think the whole department heard that" -____-

I wore my new leg supports but I had enough of wearing them by 2pm so took them off and they had been rubbing me, i had a deep purple line with red stitching in my leg and when the air hit it, it stung!! just like a carpet burn burns in the air - this did. really hurt. I put ice blocks on it just to cool it down and stop it stinging. So i aint wearing those again!

got home and had a brew with Oz and mum then she went out to walk with her friends

so I did 30mins of dancing and really enjoyed it i mean i sweated to death but it was really good to do for my body actually. then i had a shower and ate my salad in peace and quiet before anyone was home! 

my new arm supports have arrived so i will give them a go tomorrow

cant be any worse than the leg supports 0.0

i rang pain clinic but theres like no one there, it says to email them so i might try that

not sure what i feel like doing tonight to be honest

tomorrow is school nothing special, not many practicals, just handing out onions really XD

Oh here's my haul from korea, finally!

god i stocked up and wanted to try new things ^^ so glad it came :D also got my new shiny hair bobble which i wore today :3

Making more masks

 Evening

my god did I sleep 0.0

went to bed and read for i think 5mins then just fell straight asleep, this was at 10pm

and slept through the night. Jo was dead

This morning I did feel like i had been in some sort of accident and that I should be waking up in a hospital bed not my own bed

but still i got motivated i cleaned Ozwald out, then went for a walk with mum then did my dancing, i was sweating and knackered. God knows why i push myself like i do

i had a shower then crawled into my bed at 11:30am

woke up at 2:30pm....jesus...i was just dead and could have slept longer to be honest

but didnt want to waste my precious weekend so i got up and got on with the day's jobs

making Julia and Jack a mask each, they wanted another one making >.>

so I got them done, think you can tell whos is whos. I always sew a little button/trinket on the top corner so you can my masks from the rest X3

I laid out on a blanket in the sun in the garden as it was really nice weather and thought i would soak my joints in the rays, it was nice, Oz watched me from afar. Normally he likes being on the blanket so i am not sure why he didnt come to see me :/ 

Then I had my dinner, listed my stuff on ebay - they are set for 30th September~

hopefully I can budge some stuff anyway, be nice to have money towards the house

did a bit of dance practice in my bedroom which i might continue for a bit longer now then go get Oz out, sit with him and go to bed. I am so knackered. I dont like to rest the whole day away tho

tomorrow id like to wash my car if i can spare the energy

think i am seeing jack at some point but he's over at harvey's tonight with everyone drinking so god knows what state he will be in tomorrow. he says he wont drink much but ive heard it all before i cant say im arsed what he does, its not me who has to recover. I refuse to see him when hes hungover cus its no fun and self inflicted and boring for me! we shall see. think i am staying over at his tho for monday morning. oh i have soup to make for the week thats another job.

so yeah stuff to do~

some how got through the first full week

 I've done it

I have made it through the week

a whole week

and I am still able to stand, walk and talk

my god it has been hard

I slept well last night, woke up at 5:40am but got up at 6am

sat with Oz and stuff before school :3

School was once again full on

I had several members staff ask me "you ok? how you coping?" and some weren't even science staff. I am wondering if i must have looked as dead as i felt

but my 2 A-level practicals were successful and I didnt need help from Jack or Julia

i was independant and the students got results, and it makes the job feel worth while when I can actually do my job and the students get success from it. It was hard effort tho.

i had arrived 15mins early for work so i left early too and good job too as i literally got to Nigel's on time, he was punishing. My god the pain on my back. He used this scraper thing and i could feel it grating against my spine. and now my first 7 vertibrate at the top of my back are purple and you can clearly see each one. my shoulder blades are reddy purple. mum offered to photograph my back but it aint pretty so i turned it down. she said "that must have been painful. how do you cope with more pain?" I said "well cus i know that pain will pass, unlike my everyday pain where it never goes away" after the treatment nigel gave me acupuncture then he took me round his house to see if i wanted any other pieces of his furniture and i did like some pieces but they are for a house not a bungalow so they are far too big for our little bungalow

i came home and showered and got pyjamas on, my brother has his girlfriend over tonight

so he seems to be in a good mood

im not seeing jack til sunday i dont think, i wrote saturday off when i booked myself in with Nigel

but also I could theo and harvey wanted to go out so i told jack to go and play out with his friends XD so hopefully i will see him if he isnt too dead from drinking saturday night

it is tara's 29th birthday today! she wont meet up with anyone right now as she fears for James' safety with the virus which fair enough so i drew her a card and brought rabbit toys on line to be delivered at her house so she can play with her new baby bunny - jasper, i tried to water colour him on a card for her.

tomorrow i plan to exercise - i hope

and i said i would make julia and jack another mask

ugh more mask making >.>

bee sting

 Evening~~

There's not much left of me if i am honest

but I am not the only one complaining, all the staff at school are exhausted

we all look haggered and knackered

i've felt dizzy more than a few times 

Yesterday was busy - as usual

after school i went over to jack's 

we had a brew and a sit down then I was gonna come shops with him as there was a few things we needed, one of which being supports for my elbow and knees. but he told me to have a bath whilst he went out. So I did. I wanted to go with him but I listening. My joints had been giving way a few times whilst carrying things and my body was exhausted and screaming in pain, i could have cried to be honest

so i soaked myself, when i got out jack got back after a few mins and he massaged my calves and lower arms which was kind of him, they were so rigid 

we didnt do much to be honest,  we made dinner which i didnt really enjoy or have much of

then we played on switchs cus there really wasnt much left of the evening

i was in bed for 10pm i was done

this morning my god i did everything for jack

considering one morning this week he has, forgot to set his alarm, no time for a coffee, only just got here on time. This morning i prepped breakfast, made the tea and coffee, got lunch ready, took his clothes off the drier and folded them, made the bed. Whilst he faffs getting ready, he takes longer than me! and i have hair to blow dry and tie up, and make up if i can be bothered! he told me how much better i make his morning and how amazing i am. im just a morning person he just really isnt. 

school was hard, honestly i almost went home

it hurts to walk. i cant lift much

im finding everything so damn difficult, but jack managed to get some elbow supports from the shops yesterday, they are not comfy to wear and im not sure how much they actually help but i wore them til 2pm when i had just had enough of wearing the damn things

I left for home and sat with Oz and the girls with a brew which was nice

then i pushed myself for a walk with mum

came home and did some yin yoga - which i am really hurting from! Yin yoga is holding yoga positions for minutes instead of seconds

had dinner and a shower as i do feel quite gross from school, so many germed up equipment 

we currently have 7 students self isolating, the number keeps increasing

no direct cases of students having corona yet tho

i have ordered online a set of elbow and knee supports from the UK and a set from china

all made from different things so i will just try to see what helps

hate spending money on my health

tomorrow is friday although today feels like it should be friday to be honest

i have no idea how i am gonna get through another day

there will be nothing left of me by the end of the day

i have 2 A-level practicals tomorrow too >.>

straight after school I am going over to Nigel's for treatment

the thought of him giving me more pain makes me sick but it will help in the long run

speaking of pain i got stung by a bee today

it was on the pavement and i picked it up, i always pick them up if i see them on the pavement or road cus bees are important and i put them on grass or flowers. but this ungrateful bee stung me!! can you believe that! i cant remember the last time i was stung. i was well impressed by the pain. my finger end went hot and swelled up but i wasnt home i was walking with mum so yeah i got on with it and carried on walking. quite enjoyed the pain in a sick and twisted way. it was a different pain for a change something different to focus on. then i had the thought

i can see why people self harm 

already corona cases rising

 Konbanwa

I can't believe it's only tuesday T^T

Last night was my first work night at home

I struggled to sleep I felt very restless and a bit anxious

I woke up at 1am for a wee and felt sick with anxiety but eventually got off to sleep once again

but woke up at 4am and kept waking up loads, a part of me didnt trust my alarm to go off for what ever reason, even tho its never failed me before. I got up at 6am, I was amazed how much of my routine came back naturally to me to say I havent done it since March. It's harder being alone tho compared to having Jack with me. its just lonely cus no one else is awake. Its made better by having breakfast with my Oz.

I got to work a few mins early and saw Jack coming in so waited for him

he said "mornings arent as good without you...I havent even had coffee! I got up later than i wanted to"

this is what happens when I am not with him, he lays in AND faffs then ends up running around. Whereas I boot him out of bed and keep bringing him back on task and motivating him when he starts faffing. Honestly what he would do with out me. I get everything ready in the morning - breakfast, drinks, the lunch, and stuff to take into work >.>

Work was so tiring i cant tell you how tiring it is

we are all saying the same thing tho, all staff are tired

and through the grape vine we found out that parents of sibling children have got corona virus - that was day 1. And schools in this county have already been closed too. Its just crazy.

so we give it til the end of the week til we have more cases

we were told today by the head teacher's PA  that

"we are following government guidelines. Children are allowed into school whilst their corona test is happening, once the result is positive they will self isolate and we will inform the health board and ask what action needs to be taken, like if a year group needs to stay off or close the school"

so jack said to her "so you want the children in who could possibly have corona to be in school. But to self isolate once they are confirmed to have the virus, by which point its too late for the rest of the school?"

she said "thats what the government are advising as anyone of us could have corona now and not know it anyway"

yeah does very much feel like we are delaying the inevitable here to be honest

i get kids have got to be in school and life has to continue but yeah its not gonna work. kids arent even wearing masks. we are advised to wear them but that doesnt actually protect us from the children and they out number us staff quite a lot. we shall see

i left a few mins early as it was hurting me to walk and i turned up early any how

i had walked a lot and stood a lot so my joint hurt

as soon as i got home i applied heat packs to my knee joints and sat with my legs on the sofa with Oz and a brew, then me and mum did a slow walk. It was so warm out, if it was cold out i dont think i would have bothered. then i did 20mins of yoga, had a shower and now i am packing my bags as i am staying over at jack's tomorrow straight after school, so that breaks the week up :)

i shall be back thursday, just hope i get some actual sleep tonight 0.0