I'm still picking myself up but I am alive

 It's been a while ^^;

I have just been sick

mentally and physically

and trust me when I say - the last thing I needed was to sit writing about how crap life was and how crap I was feeling.

I am still recovering but I am alive and getting there

I am coming to terms with working part time and accepting more help

So my last week or so has been spent at home - surprise surprise!

Cus I literally couldnt do much else!

My mum took me out to the odd shop like literally 1 shop for half hour and then I was DONE I was in bed. I did want to get out but I told her in the end 'I cant do this its exhausting. Im off sick not off on holiday" so shes left me alone this week as I need to get better. she took me out I think a total of 3 times over these last 3 weeks. Apart from that I have been home really.

Jack has been working hard I do feel for him

today he is off sick too! He has a dry tickly cough, headache and off stomach. I think its a bug, hes done covid tests and so far so good. I did 1 just to see.  But we are all clear

On saturday we both had something planned

I was seeing Mia and the rest of her bridesmaids and Jack was going over to chris's house to sleep over for a nerds night and there was like 8 of them

but I was just far too poorly. I was unable to go. Jack was unsure whether to leave me of not but I told him to go. I wanted him to unwind and enjoy himself as hes been working so hard.

So I stayed home, did some yoga, fussed Oz, had a hot bath and a pamper. I was in bed for 8:45pm and fell asleep at 9:15 and actually slept really well

much to my surprise Jack was home like 9am! Chris brought him home for me. Hungover of course but it was nice that I had got to see him some of the weekend

I ended up catching up with Mia today actually. She gave me flowers as she had brought all her bridesmaids flowers. All 4 of us. 2 friends 1 cousin 1 sister. 

we caught up and stuff and I saw her wedding dress which was lovely on her. Very mia. 

she showed me online the bridesmaid dress we are all wearing and its fantastic and I am very relived even more so as  she says we can pick our shoes!

I told her about my life lately and working part time

oh speaking of which

Lizi - the art technician at work has decided to put in her form to become a  trainee teacher

but you cant be both technician AND trainee teacher so her job it up for grabs. I will go talk to her and the art teacher when I go back on thursday and say basically "I want your job" but I didnt want to txt her that XD I dont particularly want the job but i know its the right thing to do right now in my life so I am gonna do it. If I got the job id be working monday - friday 8am - 2pm 

its mega part time XD i get the school holidays too!!

Not a lot else has happened

going back to school on thursday. I will hopefully be doing half days for a week. 

I had a period the first one since christmas. I think dogs have bigger periods than that. I am not sure if its because my body is so sick right now but yeah it wasnt worth having XD but good to have a clear out I guess.

I did some drawing and made jack a poster for his study, I did him a phone case and I have started a painting. I have ordered a load of new earrings as I want to change everything up thats in my ears basically. I have 9 piercing and I am changing 8 of them!

I will try to keep up with my diary now

I feel a bit more able to keep up with it now

I leave you a photo of my loaf

I'm signed off sick again

 Evening

A lot happened.

I hit a wall

I cried out my life to Jack and mum

we have decided I need to accept I have disability that impacts my life. I need to put myself and my health first. I need to look after myself

I need to go part time

I will no longer be working full time

I can't bare to give this up but I also can't keep wrecking myself

I have spoke to the doctor and hes wrote me a sick note

Jack spent hours applying for a government job at the weekend which pays much better than his current job. He had to take online exams and everything! we hope he will at least get an interview after all that damn effort!

I saw my family whilst he was finishing his tests as its my brother's birthday so he opened his stuff and he really liked them. I went to the opticians for the first time in 5 years - convinced Id be walking out with glasses but I was my eyesight is totally fine. So it is sheer tiredness, thats why sometimes I cant read stuff. figures.

But yeah Jack is applying to jobs, I am signed off sick this week so I can recover. I want to be able to walk again normally. I need to recover my broken mind.

Mia came to see the house for the first time today ^^ she really liked it and said we have the best bathroom out of everyone she knows XD she stayed a couple of hours. I was shattered afterwards but it was good to see her finally. Mum had lunch with me, I went bed an hour and then looked at furniture online and also windows and doors.

I then got the dinner ready as I could do it all myself it was only salad.

Jack came home and was grateful of the food

we had a bath and yeah probably just watch anime and go bed

tomorrow 

id like to do some art as I was too tired today, I did a little bit yesterday but not much.

I am thinking of maybe repotting Mr.coconut plant but I shall see. I need to give him longer in that pot really. But his leaves are going brown and im trying not to panic. I have fed it tonight tho for the first time so maybe it might pick up. It wouldnt do it many favours to repot it again after only 2 weeks.

here is the plant Julia gave me, I repotted it and brought it a fancy pot

I will see mum for lunch again no doubt. Mum and Jack feel better if I have been checked up on during the day >.>

think we've hit breaking point

 I can't do life right now

I was off today as I cried for 90mins yesterday

I will be off tomorrow and ringing doctors to be signed off sick

I will be asking work to go part time

I will be changing my career and finding a part-time job in something else

Jack will be changing his career and getting a better paid non-school job

mum came over today and lectured me out of love which made me cry

Jack has broken into tears at work several times and has been tearing up round me

we have all reached our breaking point

I am done

but I dont want to give up on life 

earring troubles

 Evening

I didnt sleep well again

and woke up at 6am and stayed awake, when it was close to the alarm going off I turned it off and woke my jack up. 2 days on the go hes been woken up nicely instead of an alarm ^^ nothing like a gentle cuddle to wake you rather than noise. I get off to sleep as I am shattered but I dont stay asleep

I was exhausted at work, like even the lift was making me dizzy. I was able to get my day done

I have a practical tomorrow tho ><

I was researching wolves yesterday and today dinosaurs. All for a display. But I have been educating myself I guess! XD

Mum saw us after work she had kindly baked us some cakes ^^ so that was nice to come home to

we brought Oz in after we had kicked him outside and he was not impressed. Sat on his fort washing his ears being all cute trying to come in >.> curse him

I did dinner which was really tasty and Jack liked it

Got stew to put on tomorrow morning 

I went on just dance as I felt I needed something more than just yoga but I only managed 3 dances and even then THAT was an ask. I even had to take the weight off T^T its so sad. Whats up with me?

I had a bath then I had a quick look for earrings online as since I have changed mine its hurt. Like a week ago, I think its too heavy and big and cus its the side I sleep on I think its pulling on my lobe and therefor the hole piercing. So I have changed it tonight but also brought some new ones. The one I took out was checkerboard as I am really IN TO that pattern right now, I have changed it for a flower with cherries in. I still want to find a special earring for the piercing I did on the day Karen died. I had a look when I went ring shopping with mum but I couldnt see anything I liked. I will keep an eye out

going to watch anime and have a cake, i will be fat if I cant exercise properly

tomorrow

stew morning and school nothing special

already done in and had enough, its only tuesday

"are you ok?"

 Evening

I did not sleep well

I am so tired

waking for a wee at 

10:30pm

1:02am

1:24am

seriously!? what the hell! literally taking the pee

It was still so windy on the way to school. The car was moving in the wind! the lights in the house earlier kept flickering

school was ok

it wasnt particularly hard just long

I was so done

The window guy rang and was trying to come over but obviously we are at work now, however I arranged for him to come at 4pm and for mum to let him in. On the way we hit roadworks so it took us longer to get home I was a cripple getting out the car. I was stressed as I felt I had 2 people waiting on us.

The guy was nice and put all the measurements down and what we want, hes gone to go price it up and will give us a quote. 

we did dinner which luckily was pretty easy as I had cooked the chicken yesterday

I did 30mins of yoga which Oz joined in on, and I fussed him LOADS, he was in the mood for a good fussing, think he had missed us today.

I had a bath and now I want my bed but I will watch anime

tomorrow another dull school day

today I was asked several times by different people "are you ok?"

yup peeps I am currently this pale and dead looking as this is my life

I just reply "yeah im fine"

as what do you say? "no Im not ok, how long have  you got? my life is a wreck. Just 35 more years and I can end it" but no you say the generic "im fine" cus people dont car, people dont wanna know, people havent got time. So what is even the point to "are you ok?"

i am pale, my lips have no colour heck even my NAILS have gone a pale colour. My feet and hands are often pale/blue/purple. I look like death 24/7

still, we go on

I had a go with my new crayons

 Evening

I slept pretty well last night, given the wind and rain

also when Jack told me this morning - he had actually left me in the night! I did not know this! He was playing pokemon in bed, it hadnt gone well and he felt wound up so he went upstairs to game on his PC and kill things XD I had no idea any of this went off. Good job as I would have killed him if he had woke me. We both got up at 8am anyway cus we needed to do food shop. It was just so horrible out there tho T^T

Food shop was ok, I was going dizzy a lot. Like my heart was working over time just to keep me upright. My lips were lilac and white when I got up. Jack said I looked pale round the shop. he told me to stop bending down for things. Which is what mum told me to do at TK on friday cus I was like this on friday. My blood doesnt seem to be very good right now. Maybe I am anaemic? Im so pale and dizzy and exhausted so I am wondering if to get a blood test done.

we got home and unpacked well Jack unpacked anyway.

then for an hour after I had sat down, I was cooking. I got a lot done ^^ made biscuits and half made 3 dinners! anything to make life easier for myself for when i go back to school!

I had lunch with Jack then I did some colouring in with my new pencil crayons ^^ it was nice to do as I havent done that in such a long time and theyre really good. It made me realise just how time consuming it is compared to digital art! I kept taking breaks as I was tired and achy

I had a break with Oz and Jack tho. I had a brew and fruit loaf. Then somehow managed 50mins of yoga. I really wanted to stretch myself out. Oz kept checking in on me. Jack said I looked pale and waxy. I have no idea what he sees in me. My health sucks and I look like death 99% of the time

Im just doing dinner now I hope it will be good ^^

Then I suppose I will have a bath and go to bed

I have my outfit sorted for tomorrow as unfortunately it is school tomorrow. After 9 days away from the place, I get a taste for freedom to say the least. I have no idea how the hell I am going to manage as I am tired, pale, and struggle to walk.

but hey gotta work til im 65 so I best get used to it! only 35 more years to go~ 

its still windy and rainy out and has been allll day, to be honest the whole of this holiday has been crap weather. Oz is happy to be in anyway

7+hours of house bun

 Pyon~

I slept pretty well last night as I was just dead after I had done everything. I had been to my parents and come home to repot my cactus and plants which look amazing ^^

This morning I got up at 7am and Jack got up at 8:30am. I left him in bed to sleep. I brought Oz in and had an amazing breakfast with him. I had banana cake and a biscuit X3 sugar!!!! I went and cleaned Oz out and then Jack was up. I then cleaned the bathroom, did my shopping list too, then 40mins of yoga, got ready to go over to mummy's

she gave me some home made fruit loaf which was nice and gave me some to take home. I trimmed truffs fur and she was grateful bless her. dead good she was and she looked better.

I left at 12:30 and had lunch of hot chocolate and fruit load then I went to bed for a couple of hours as I had enough I was exhausted. I didnt want to get up to be honest but I did. I had a cup of tea with Oz and Jack and then did some more work in my sketchbook.

the weather had cleared up and I fancied a walk as its been weeks since I have walked with Jack as I have been struggling to walk. but it looked nice, I wanted to get out for a walk with my Jack so we literally walked from one street to another. We were gone like 10mins if that, it was cold but nice to do. We had left Oz in the living room whilst we were gone as it wasnt worth putting him home for that.

we did dinner which was nice, I took Oz home - he had been in for 7 hours, plus extra from this morning hes practically a house bun >.> he helped himself to a bouquet of flowers I have on the hearth from my birthday, demands food, and gives fuss.

then I had a bath, which was soooo hot I came out panting and red. I was trying to kill the aches. But did myself in a bit ^^; 

I did a little bit more colouring in my sketchbook, we are gonna watch anime now then play pokemon in bed ^^

tomorrow I am going food shopping

got biscuits to make, meat to cook, fish to prep, breakfast meat to cook, but no soup to make luckily ^^

I have been anxious about school being on the horizon. And the fact that I still cant walk properly...