We didn't go out out

 Evening

So last night I didnt sleep great. I was waking up cold and anxious. Also having nightmares. Think I was cold from sweating caused by nightmares.

It was all because I was worrying about driving to derbyshire and back + walking

I honestly wasnt sure if I could manage it all

So this morning I had breakfast which didnt sit well on my anxiety churned stomach

Jack asked what was - like what was really up

so I told him, I asked if we could go sherwood pines instead

he said "its still a 40mins drive there, a good hour walk round. Why are we doing all this just to kill yourself? youre not gonna enjoy it, Im not gonna enjoy seeing you like that. We dont have to go out, I enjoy spending time with you no matter what we do. I know you want to go places but right now your body is still recovering"

yeah...hes right

I just find it hard to accept

he said "besides we have our whole lives to go places"

i said "so its me being impatient again then?" XD

I just hate my illness ruining things as always

so he suggested a walk near the river and a picnic in the garden

so what we did was drive to the river trent which is a 5-10min drive, we did a walk and on the walk is the cafe I went with mum to last week. We had tea and cake which was sooooooooooooo good I was so happy. Jack always picks me up. He never makes me feel like a let down or disappointment or holding the relationship back. He is just happy spending time with me ^^

we walked back along the river to the car

as soon as we shut the car door - rain full on rain

as soon as  we pulled up the drive way it stopped completely

so we didnt get wet!

We couldnt sit outside and picnic tho as it rained again

mum picked us up at 1:30pm and we went to a garden centre for plants. We spent £50 on plants and compost. It was pricy as we went for more established plants rather than babies, simply because they stand a chance of surviving against Oz. He eats baby plants as a starter. No matter how hard we try to protect them - he finds and devours 

We dropped the plants off and went to another garden centre and I got cacti soil as my stuff came today and I can finally repot a load cacti I have ^^

I was exhausted by this point, not to mention I didnt really have lunch as what I had got for lunch I didnt like so didnt eat it! I didnt have time to get anything else as mum was coming for us. So I was tired and hungry but just had a cup of tea when I got in as it was 3pm.

After a sit, I went for an early bath, a very very hot bath tho to kill off the aches

now just waiting for jack to finish in the tub then I can put the noodles on. We have korean noodles tonight I put the broth bit in the slow cooker this morning I hope it tastes ok! 

then tonight I need an easy night so might draw or something

I have plenty to draw I just been unmotivated to draw

tomorrow

think we will have a quieter day

I am certainly going to sort my cacti out!!!

I have had a really nice day tho

I have done a river walk with my Jack and had amazing cake

I then went out with Jack and mummy to choose plants

coming home to my Ozwald chasing pigeons.

Its been a good day. Not how I thought it would go but maybe better. I am grateful for the people around me.

we said that in future if we make any plans to have a 'back up' plan so I dont feel the pressure I put on myself to do the plans and feel like we will still do something.

we also said we might have an over night stay at water fall place so I can manage it better and it breaks it down a bit. But thats a future problem

will we actually go out tomorrow??

 Evening

So last night  leisurely did my nails in front of youtube, it was quite relaxing. Then I was playing on my switch in bed. Jack text to say they didnt go out for drinks and he was getting a lift home from James thank god. But I was just playing on my switch til 11pm when Jack got home. I felt I couldnt sleep until he was home. I wasnt worried I was just unsettled and felt like by time I had drifted off he would turn up. So I just carried on playing

Jack came in to me, surprised I was still awake. He said he needed to wind down and that he was hungry so going to get a snack. I decided to get up and join him. So we had another night of going to bed at midnight T^T

I woke up at 6am, 7am, finally 8am. I refused to start my day that early after going bed so late but I also knew my bunny was waiting to be let out.

I left Jack in bed til 9am

This morning I got to it and drew llama's in my dad's birthday card, planned out the route to derbyshire as we MAY go tomorrow. I sorted out other bits and pieces until finally flopping on my bed with Hammington. I was aching so bad and tired.

We had lunch and I thought id escape my pain with sleep but no. I was tossing and turning so much that I couldnt sleep so I got up and went for a 20min walk with Jack as that was all I could manage T^T

mum turned up just as we returned home. She said she wasnt staying but stayed an hour with a brew XD I was so tired and wasnt gonna see her today. I was just in all positions on the floor whilst talking to her. No pain killer has touched my pain today

she left and me and Jack did a bit of gardening. I put some plants in a pot 

I then prepped the noodles for tomorrow then prepped stuff ready for tomorrow for in case we do actually go out. I then did the dinner which was good~

we sadly finished season on of Rise of the shield hero. Its been a long time since I thought so highly of an anime. Who ever wrote that needs a medal. I LOVE Filo. We are running short on free dubbed anime we might have to start paying for it online T^T

going to put Oz away soon, as hes only loafing anyway

then grab a nice hot bath ^^

might do some drawing tonight or might not, see what I am in the mood for 

but yeah tomorrow - depending on if I can walk and how much pain I am in - we may go to derbyshire to my favourite waterfall place :D I really really hope we can go. I have been asking Jack since Feb! But I have just not been in the best of health, I know I havent

If we cant go tomorrow not sure what we will do really

got to get my noodles on and bed to change.

But if we do go out we will be back early afternoon

Yeah new inhaler isnt good

 Evening

So I can confirm that yes, my new inhaler does not agree with me as I had another go last night with it. My anxiety went through the roof I was upset as I was worrying about Jack getting sick of me and my illness, my heart was pounding and I was shaking. I did eventually get to sleep but kept us up til midnight....and Jack had his interview the next day ^^;

We woke up at 7am

and Jack was a bit off, not horrible, just not his usual self. I think he was just nervous. Well I know he was nervous as he went for like a 1000 wees.

I did 50mins of yoga then we went over to mums to print some things out for his interview, no one was home so we were done in 10mins. It gave me enough time to ring doctors, apparently no one can even speak to me to advise me til next weds...so until then just use my old inhaler. I have my blue one but not brown one. stupid. Its cus over in England we build more and more houses or food places but no services. So getting an appointment is murder. But I couldnt believe I couldnt even SPEAK to someone for 10 days. I will leave that inhaler alone tho. I do not want to feel poorly my whole easter holidays

I was colouring a picture but soon gave my laptop and craft room over to Jack

Whilst he was in his interview I made biscuits and made Jack his lunch which he was really grateful of. He felt it had gone well. He came out my craft room smiling anyway. So it couldnt have been that bad. He has done he absolute best. It will be over a week before we hear anything tho.

After lunch I went over to mum's - I walked

I had a cup of tea with her and my £200 worth of skin care turned up! So I gave mum her cream. I then txt Jack to come pick me up. The first ever time hes been in the car by himself!!! He did well bless him. Once home I gave him his skincare

He did an hour of gardening, I finished my colouring then did the dinner. Which I didnt like. It was my limit of spiciness but it was the rice cakes, I dont like rice cakes! I dont like thick noodles so I did wonder if I would like them. Jack really enjoyed the dinner XD

I went in the bath, then Jack did then I drove him to Harvey's to go have a drink with his friends. I didnt have the energy to socialise and I also dont wanna be labelled as one of those couples joined at the hip. Its good to see your friends without your partner. 

So I am home alone

I think I will have an early night of my switch in bed

tomorrow

havent got anything planned actually so might try do some art or something

Buns have gone home

 Evening

I couldnt get off to sleep last night, Jo hurt too much. We got up for extra pain killers and a biscuit. I slept after that but when I woke up at 7am I HAD TO GET UP. I felt like Id been in an accident....

So we had a relaxed morning before shopping

however, my anxiety was through the roof. Like real bad. I felt like I had done something wrong so I was trying to think 'what have I done?' like Jack was gonna find out something bad I had done. I felt like something bad was gonna happen, like what? 

Jack offered to go shopping for me as he can now since he can drive. But he said he would be mega stressed doing that. I didnt want to stress him out so I said I would be fine.

Going round the shop was awful, I could have cried. I couldnt breathe, I had to use my new inhaler twice. My heart was pounding and I was breathless

We got home after the shop

Jack made me and told me to SIT as in 'Jo stay and dont move' as I am fidget arse and dont sit for long.

He made me tea, fruit loaf, got Oz in, put the buns out, put the shopping away

ahhhh he is so good ^^

But yeah I was like death

my heart was pounding, my body felt like it was vibrating, my hands were so shaky and I felt anxious. I also obviously had bad back ache from my massage. So all in all I felt poorly.

I literally downed my tea and went to bed.

I got up for lunch and went back to bed

I just couldnt do anything

I felt poorly

but what was up?

the only thing that was different was my new inhaler I started last night

so I went into the recycling dustbin for the box and instructions to read 'possible side effects'

on there 1 in 10 people

breathlessness 

trembling

sense of doom

anxiety

palpitations

and I think 2 others that I didnt have

sooooo my new inhaler is to blame??

I rang my mum and talked to her. She said steroids can have funny affects on people as granny sometimes had reactions to them. And my inhaler is a steroid for the lungs 

she told me not to use it and ring the nurse

as much as I think, "yeah it was probably inhaler" I also wonder if the powerful massage has just made my other conditions worse and its made me like this. As I can suffer in those ways and massage always gets me next day.

I managed to finish my picture I have been working on. And I put it on my redbubble too. I only had about 10mins of work to finish so even tho it was an ask for me to do it, it was a quick achievement 

I did dinner which I was grateful it was simple

after dinner Jack's sister and step dad came for the buns. They had a good tan! The buns have gone home and Oz has the garage to himself again. Jack's sister was very grateful tho and was happy to see them. I mean if I was being reunited with Oz I would have had him out, fussing his face off in my arms and inhaling his scent, but each to their own ^^; she brought me a bowl made of a coconut and Jack some alcohol  

I drew Angewomon for a friend who turns 30 this friday so I am gonna pencil crayon that in tomorrow

I had a bath after that

then spoke to Jack about my inhaler. I told him I was tempted to have 1 more dose of my inhaler just to see if it definitely that which is making me poorly. As I really like the inhaler!!! Its PINK, it counts down its uses left, it doesnt have a taste and yeah I am actually impressed with it as I wasnt getting on with my previous ones. So I took one more puff 10mins ago. See how I go tonight I guess as I have picked up from my horrendous morning.

tomorrow

I asked Mia if I can see her in the morning but I havent heard from her yet

Jack has his online interview at midday so I need to be quiet then. He is gonna be on my laptop doing it. So I will be in the lounge doing something. 

full on day and full back massage

 Evening

I slept pretty well

My back tho waking up today...like id been in an actual accident. Just from doing some gardening.

This morning, as I felt so crippled, I decided to go on Just dance to loosen my back up a bit. My hair looked awful this morning so I was gonna wash it anyway. Might as well get sweaty and have a shower! 

So i did that for 15mins, had shower and got ready and went to see the Harvey and Theo at 9:45am at pudding pantry. We had Oz out before we went and put the buns out. So we achieved a lot this morning!

At pudding pantry I had 2 scoops of ice cream, Jack had 'full pantry' it was nice to see Harvey and Theo too. 

We left there and Jack went over to Harveys for a bit, I wanted to get off as I was tired but used the excuse I was off to chemist and mum's. Jack was then heading into city centre so I didnt need to bring him home with me.

I went chemist and got my new inhaler, its so werid looking and counts down how many uses are in it! genius! 

I got to mum's she was happy to see me and made me a cup of tea

we just chatted and chatted. I had a bit of porridge there but couldnt eat it all

I came home as  Jack was on his way home and hadnt got a house key

After we had a sit down we cracked on with chores.

We both cleaned out the rabbits, I cleaned the bathroom, cleaned out a cupboard we keep dumping stuff in, made some biscuits and he hoovered the house and sorted out Oz's corner. 

We sat down for a bit then I went for my massage which was another reason I did so many chores - i knew id be like death tomorrow

I asked her to just literally do my back, neck and shoulders. I said "I have set recovery days and this needs sorting" she said "is this you saying to not hold back?"

bring it on

after I turned onto my back she said

"you are strong and brave"

I said "why whats gone off?"

she said "I didnt hold back, I must have hurt you but yet you didnt even flinch"

no i didnt

yes some bits hurt but its nothing compared to the pain I am usually in. I know the pain she is giving me now will end shortly. My pain never ends.

I enjoyed my massage and felt so much looser.

I got home and was starting to feel the massage. And thought "this fast!!! ohhh crap"

I regret nothing!!!!

I had a hot bath and a pamper in the bath and out the bath

did the dinner as I was starving it was gone 7pm!!! 

Now Jack is clearing up my dinner mess

think we will just go and play switchs in bed. No point in watching anime really we've just literally watched anime with out dinner, and no way do we want a hot drink - far too full!!!

Tomorrow

weekly shop and food cooking and recover

I AM GONNA HURT

it gonna be sore tomorrow

the buns should be going home tomorrow too

i've told Jack's mum not to stress about getting them home but she seems to think she will have time to get them even tho they fly back tomorrow....so we shall see!

We didnt manage to go out

 Evening

I woke up at 2am and felt sicky anxious really bad. I cuddled Jack for 10mins and wondered how the hell he slept through someone hugging him.....why cant I sleep that deep!? I got up and decided to take extra pain killers, have a drink and biscuits and then Jack appeared! He had randomly woke up. He made us both a tea and sat with me and cuddled me. he is just the best. At 3:30am we went back to bed

This morning when I woke up at 7:45am I was disappointed. My legs hurt despite me skipping on exercise yesterday, I felt sick to my stomach with anxiety. But I have no idea where all this anxiety is even coming from. I felt tired from not sleep great. So all in all i thought "can I go out with Jack today??"

I talked to him, I rang my mummy and yeah we summed up that realistically, I cant go out for a walk anywhere. I wont enjoy it.

So we decided to do some gardening together with Oz and do a little walk round the block.

Jack kindly gave my legs a massage as they felt ridged 

In the morning we did almost 2 hours of gardening. Which hurt my back -- massively 

I wasnt even doing anything strenuous >.> 

We had lunch and i went bed afterwards

when I got up we did a short walk but I was really struggling just with that. 

We had a cup of tea together and then an early bath as I thought it might help my aches and complains. It did a help a bit. When I came out the bath my mum appeared so I was talking to her in my towel. She had brought us both a cake from Bakewell as she and dad had managed to go out for the day. I envied that. 

we had dinner, now we are going to go round up the 2 buns. Oz is happy indoors he can stay a little while longer. 

Jack has got gaming tonight so hes off to do that after we have buns in. I think I will try do some drawing maybe

I have had some of my cake and it was amazing....

Im sorry I didnt get to out but hopefully I will next week

Tomorrow

we're seeing Harvey and Theo at Pudding Pantry in the morning!!!! so yay sweet treats in the morning. Then I need to pop chemist. I have a massage at 4pm which I am so ready for

is it just my depression?

 Evening

I slept last night, but before bed I was restless and didnt feel happy

god knows why tho.  I was playing Disgaea til 10:30pm and felt like I could play more 

I had violent dreams again...

this morning my stomach was twisted with anxiety, god knows why

whats wrong with me lately!? I should be happier and more relaxed on holidays but my mental health is not good this holiday

I didnt know what I felt like doing this morning but Jack asked if we could go hobby craft so I thought if I went it would snap me out of the funk I was in, but I couldnt be bothered to leave the house if I am honest. Whilst we were down there I picked up a few bits and my mum has been after a 250ml jug for a while as hers broke and she uses it to wash the girls. I thought we would check the Range whilst we were there for one as yup they had one! I was so excited as I knew my mum would be so happy shes been looking like everywhere!! 

We got back and I felt quite done in, it was hurting me to walk a bit and I just felt exhausted. I felt much better yesterday....Mummy came to see me after she had finished at Maureen's. She came in and I surprised her with the jug, she was soooooo happy. Overly so, over a jug XD she had a cup of tea and stayed til midday. When she left we had lunch

after lunch I just curled up in my bed for 2 odd hours. Just was so tired but couldnt sleep. Didnt want any stimulation or anything. Just quiet nothingness 

I got up and looked poorly. I was so clammy and white.

whats wrong with me!?

sick of feeling so crap and wasting so much time by recovering in sodding bed.

im wondering if it's my depression maybe? as depression can make you feel like all this

did literally nothing all afternoon, nothing

I didnt even put the buns out again from this morning as I couldnt face rounding them up. We also have to wear protection as Skyler growls and tries to rip your vein out your wrist.....

we had dinner and after dinner Oz quickly latched on without any grunt warning and bit me whilst mating with my hand, I pulled his head away but he wouldnt let go of my skin between his teeth, it made the pain worse so I had to let him get on with it. Sure his jaw locks like a staffordshire >.> he hasnt done it in days. Thought we were making progress....

the weather has been bloody awful all day, really hard bitter wind and rain.

We were gonna go out today and I am so glad we didnt! what with the weather and how I am feeling

tomorrow tho

I am hoping to go Sherwood Pines with my Jack, have a walk round then a picnic. Just hope its not soaking everywhere. But I would like to actually go out with him as its been a long time.